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Video of the Day: Neko Case's "People Got a Lotta Nerve"

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:03:00 GMT

We love this video for "People got a Lotta Nerve" from the album Middle Cyclone because 1. It's by one of our favorite lady singers, Neko Case, and 2. it has Nerve in the title. Also, it's just a really great song.

Related:

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Video of the Day: Doctors in The Philippines Remove a Can From a Man's Ass, Get a Good Laugh

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Pin-Ups for Sneakerheads

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 20:27:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Every straight male sneakerhead's fantasy has just come true.

Click below for more photos from Playboy's "Hot Chicks, Cool Kicks" feature:

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Test Drive: Ginch Gonch

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 21:43:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Okay, first things first: what the hell is a Ginch Gonch? According to the ever-handy Urban Dictionary, Ginch = old school men's briefs, and Gonch = well, let's just say it means nasty old tighty-whities. So why in the world would I want to test drive nasty men's tighty-whities? As you can see from the photo above, Ginch Gonch is a bit of a misnomer (intentional, I'm sure). These panties combine all the nostalgia of little boy Underoos with the fanciness of Victoria's Secret.

Read on for the extremely intimate test drive:

Kendra Wilkinson's Stripper Poles: Quality You Can Twirl On

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:04:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson has forgone the celebrity trend of launching her own clothing line, and skipped right to designing her own line of stripper poles...

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Sale of the Day: Sex Cents

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 20:46:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Know what's even better than a naughty drawer full of sex toys? A naughty drawer full of sex toys that were purchased on the cheap! Thank goodness for Good Vibrations, which totally has your sexy money-saving sense covered with 25% off everything in their online store:

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Today on "Oprah": Q&A With Polygamists [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 20:41:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: We love us some Oprah. We even like the semi-boring Friday episodes where Mark Consuelos tells his Mr. Mom stories. But, most of all, we love when Oprah talks to people who may or may not be crazy. We've been waiting all weekend to see her trip to the Yearning for Zion Ranch so we can watch her ask the polygamists if they like Big Love...

Here's a sneak peek of today's episode below...

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Salma Hayek's First TV Commercial [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:35:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: The unbearably gorgeous Salma with ridiculous '80's hair and headband, in an ad for Burger Boy, a Mexican fast food chain.

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Salma Hayek's First TV Commercial [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 08:10:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: The unbearably gorgeous Salma with ridiculous '80's hair and headband, in an ad for Burger Boy, a Mexican fast food chain.

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This Belly-Button Ring Gives You a Total Boner

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:50:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Belly-button rings have been known to cause arousal (of the sexual kind) in some people, but how often does it cause the wearer to "rise to the occasion"? When you have this:

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Bend That Table Over

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:48:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: If you like your coffee table like you like your women (or men), then you'll love this:

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Today in Architectural Porn: The Sex Bookshelf

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 13:10:00 GMT

Some designer named Arun Kumar Francis wants to make reading sexy.

Apparently, it also involves Obama and a bunch of bound dissertations... full, awful (?)/awesome (?) photo after the jump...

This bookshelf really needs a copy of Nerve: The First Ten Years... hell, at least Casserole Crazy.

Via the Design Blog.

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Bill O'Reilly's Dirty Talk Express

Live Blogging SXSWi: Ur Blog Sux and Print is Dead

Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

Photo of the Week: Is Tom Colicchio Sexier Without Hair?

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 19:01:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: We're not sure we ever conceptualized a time when Tom Colicchio wasn't gloriously bald. Or, for that matter, a time when TC actually needed a hairnet to prepare gourmet food. Weirdly, when we look at this photo, we keep picturing Colicchio as the host of a mid-eighties home improvement show á la This Old House. Maybe it's the denim shirt.

So, the question of the hour: which Colicchio is sexier?

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"Family Guy" Episode Pisses Off Parents (VIDEO)

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:30:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Family Guy has gone too far this time, guys. At least, the Parents Television Council seems to think so -- evidently, the March 8 episode had a little too much bestiality, gay orgies, and consumption of horse sperm for their tastes...

"Fox treated viewers to everything from an ‘eleven-way’ gay orgy to baby Stewie eating a bowl of cereal with horse sperm instead of milk ... if that isn’t enough, the show’s leading character is also shown fanaticizing about his wife and moaning while a horse licks his bare behind. Clearly, the explicit content was not isolated to one instance in one segment of the show; it permeated the entire program." -- PTC President Tim Winter (Live Feed)

We have three reactions to this: First, did you know the PTC was a thing? Second, is this his full time job? Because, if so, it's got to be the WORST job in the world. Presumably they don't have any power to actually regulate TV content (since, you know, we have the FCC for that), so all they can do is spend their days writing angry letters. Third, maybe we should be watching Family Guy more.

Let's take their concerns one at a time...

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"Girl Next Door" Holly Isn't The Best "DWTS" Dancer, But She Has Hot Girlfriends [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 18:58:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Disclaimer: For a midseason replacement, Holly did just fine. She’d only had 6 days of rehearsal time prior to her debut cha-cha. And we tend to find these early Dancing With the Stars Performances super duper 7th grade cotillion awkward, anyway. Also, that outfit looked great on her. Not 7th grade cotillion at all. She did fine.

Now, you take a look:

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Equation: Naughty Knickers

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 20:54:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST

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"American Idol" Has Porno Problems

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:37:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: There's a very funny little telephone complication caused by Idol taking Anoop Desai as its 13th finalist...

You see, when American Idol asks viewers to vote for finalists, they generally have them call one of twelve numbers, which range from 1-866-436-5701 to 1-866-436-5712. Pretty straightforward stuff. Except now the show's got 13 finalists. And it doesn't own the number 1-866-436-5713.

"The L Word": Lesbian School Is Out Forever

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 20:26:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Like Jenny Schecter, The L Word met its merciful end last night. (Except, Dear Sweet Pregnant Man - there are rumors of a movie.) There were revelations of just how manipulative and evil Jenny Schecter had been, and the question "Who killed Jenny" got no clear answer (suicide? Niki Stevens?). Regardless, Showtime's website will keep it going with webisodes from the interrogation room, and it seems Alice will take the rap (frame job?) and star in the women's prison spinoff, with Laurie Metcalf and Famke Janssen.

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This Quack Says Intellectuals Are Dumb Daters

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:50:00 GMT

Dr. Alex Benzer, who, despite our headline and his photographic resemblance to Adnan Ghalib*, is a respected, Harvard-educated doctor and probably knows more about dating than most of us. After all, he's actually dated a few people... and some kook thought, in this increasingly anti-book culture, to put out a couple of books by him-- for profit! If that's not endorsement enough of his ideas and you'll seek dating advice from some other genius, we're pretty sure Dr. Phil is still on the air, weekdays...

Benzer claims his recent book The Tao of Dating was specifically written for the most brilliant minds of our time, i.e. anyone regularly visits sites like Nerve and the Huffington Post, where his post appeared. In an epic story there, Doc Benzer heads a series of paragraphs with his bite-sized advice tidbits:

1. Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.

Well, you could also say, "Dumb jocks spent more time on athletic achievements than on relationships when growing up." Anyway, moving on...

2. Smart people feel that they're entitled to love because of their achievements.

See "jocks" above.

3. You don't feel like a fully-realized sexual being, and therefore don't act like one.

4. You're exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success.

That seems like a stretch for the sake of reinforcing a weak argument...

5. By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect

The intellectuals we know are just as terrible at recognizing terrible mates in advance of involving themselves with those prospects as the, um, non-intellectuals we know...

Benzer says you have three choices:

A) Loosen up

B) Do a very thorough search all over the planet and be prepared to move to Duesseldorf OR

C) Join a monastery.

...before recommending choice A for surviving dating in these dumbed-down times. What do you think of his proposals, which you can read in complete here.

*Dudes, we gotta stop this chin-landing-strip thing. Now.

Related:

Scanner Highs and Lows: We've Never Been So Glad It's Friday

The Future of Dating

Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead?

Let's Settle This Ridiculous First-Date Pay Debate Once And For All

Happy Hour Test Drive: Canadian Club Whisky 30 Year Reserve

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 19:33:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Whiskey was actually the first alcoholic beverage I ever had. When I was a teenager, my dad left his Johnny Walker exposed in the kitchen and I poured some into my orange juice. It was gross and I didn't drink whiskey again until college. Now, at the ripe meh-age of 23, my palette has developed and I've become a little bit of a whiskey snob. I've traded in the JD and SoCo for Maker'sMark and Knob Creek. When I go out to restuarants, I'll order a single malt scotch, provided that I have money and it is under $14 (it's tough to be a connoisseur on a budget).

Needless to say, I was pretty psyched about test driving a bottle of Canadian Club's 30 Year Reserve Whisky (that's right, the cannucks leave off the 'e'). . .

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More Secret Sex Toys

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

(Says Scanner Emily: I need this!)

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Yesterday, I showed you a lamp, and a fish bowl that secretly hid sex toys. Today, as you can see above, a designer has gone ahead and developed a paper towel holder that is ALSO a secret sex toy. Since this seems like a fun game, herewith, a couple of secret sex toys I've developed:

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Awkward Tuesday: Is "The Bachelor" Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 18:41:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Here's the conversation we had with our sister during the premiere of this season of The Bachelor:

Our sister: I hate Jason.
Us: What? Why? He's awesome.
Our sister: I think he's evil.
Us: You're crazy.

OMG. She was right. He is evil. And a crybaby...

The thing is, there were so many awkward moments during last night's three-hour ordeal that it's difficult to know where to begin.

First, the episode...

Stay Classyfied: Seeking Elderly Couples For A New Comedy Game Show!

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 19:35:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Are you old? Do you want to possibly be humiliated? Then you'll love this opportunity...

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Clothes For Twosomes... Or Threesomes... Or More

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 20:01:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: At the the Jimmy Eat World show on Monday there was this incredibly annoying couple displaying way too much PDA. I would excuse it if they wearing this Sweet-Heart Sweet-Shirt.

Click below for more clothing suited for two (or more):

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Pet Product: For the Discerning Snout

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:09:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Um, hey there. We really need to talk. I know you've been busy and all, but remember how last week we went to the beach and I ran through that pile of kelp? Then a few days later, how I rolled in cat poop? Yeah. So, you haven't exactly bathed me since then, and to be honest, I'm even starting to offend myself.

So I was thinking that maybe, for both our sakes, you should invest in some Sexy Beast eau de doggie cologne...

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Winnie Cooper Is Getting Married

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:05:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Congratulations, Danica McKellar, on your upcoming nuptials. And on being very hot. And a math genius/math author. Feels like your Wonder Years were ours as well—we grew up together, Winnie Cooper. You and us, and Fred Savage, and Daniel Stern, narrating everything. Hmmm? What's that? Never mind what we've been doing the last twenty years, not important. We're here to focus on you.

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My Deflowered Memoir Is Not So Flower-y

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:11:00 GMT

I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. It was less than spectacular.

That is the abridged version of my deflowering. If I were to tell you the longer vesion I might include the part where I left thinking "wasn't that supposed to hurt?"

If I were to write the longer version, I might also submit it to Deflowered Memoirs, a new website (and hopefully book) that shares women's stories of their first times.

Because I was sick with nerves, I wanted to treat him like a sex deliveryman who had come to quickly perform a service…to rid me of this stupid embarrassing leftover of babyhood. Then, he could be off to his next sad and pathetically old virgin client. Unfortunately, he wanted to eat before we got started. So, we went to the local Tasty Freeze, just like "Jack and Diane" of John Mellencamp's teen love anthem, which retrospectively seems ironically appropriate. Energized by burgers and fries, we headed back to my apartment, where I nervously attempted small talk. Thankfully, Mike grew impatient quickly. He clumsily lifted me mid-sentence, pushed me hard against the nearest wall, and shoved his tongue down my throat. "It's beginning" I thought with relief as he carried me to my room, threw me on the bed, disrobed me and deflowered me. There was no pain, no blood. I even had an orgasm thanks to his "cunning linguistics." About five minutes in to the experience I thought, “this is so not a big deal. What the fuck was I worried about?” Nevertheless, when it was over, I prayed for him to leave. I didn't want to be bothered with a post-coital intimacy that didn't exist. Thankfully, he did; and I quickly called Jackie to tell her all about the experience. Then, I made a list of other boys I wanted to "hang out" with now that the virginity monkey was off my back. But, before moving on to that list, I decided to travel north to Indianapolis to perfect my skills with Mike the following weekend…and the weekend after that, and the one after that…and then all hell broke loose...and I realized that perhaps sex wasn't as perfectly simple as I wanted it to be.

That's an excerpt from creator Abby Kincaid's memoir. But it sure does sound a lot like ours.

[Deflowered Memoirs]

Related:

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Virginity Auction: Now How Much Would You Pay?

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

Takin' Care of Business

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:31:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder from the Scanner Business Office that:

1. you can reach us quicker on your phoneputer at our direct URL, dailyscanner.com.

2. Scanner Emily is now Twittering, as is Scanner Colleen.

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:37:00 GMT

We've heard Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" played all over the place for the last six months or so, always thinking we were listening to TV on the Radio. We should know better, considering Kyp Malone of TVOTR used to be our upstairs neighbor. But, apparently living close to coolness does not make one cool.

After discovering that the man singing was Justin Vernon we set out to learn one thing: does he have a beard? You fucking bet he does.

Watch these videos and tell us you're not in love with him, too:

We totally want him to put a baby in us. But just one.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Want to See What We Twat?

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:19:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder that Scanner Emily and Scanner Colleen are now on Twitter. We're new to all this and we ~~need~~ want you to follow us so we feel good about ourselves.

Also, we thought we'd let you know that one can Twitter and blog under the comfort of a Snuggie.

Related:

Is the Past Tense of Tweet Twat?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

Today in WTF? The WTF Blanket Will Give You Super Herpes (Video)

Stars, They're Just Like Us: Ashton Hates His "F@#king Jackass Neighbor", Too!

3 Things We Wish We'd Gotten For Christmas, Or: Scanner Verena Is A Sucker For Infomercials

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We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did.

We understand there are spiritual issues behind the length of this beard and by all means if you think God wants you to grow a beard, who are we to argue? But we just can't, er don't want to, imagine getting our feet all tangled up in this thing during sex:

via videosift.com