Scanner : nerve

The Hot Line: Star Trek

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 21:56:00 GMT

As Scanner Brian mentioned this morning, J.J. Abrams' Star Trek grossed $76.5 million in its first four days, making it the biggest Star Trek movie ever. But anyone who knows anything about this here blog knows we care much less about money than we do about, say, beards and boobs. So we're pretty excited about Nerve's new feature The Hot Line, that tracks the sexiness of cultural institutions and icons over time. Since Star Trek has been around longer than we have—and is full of galactic beards and boobs—it seemed like a great place to start.

Let us begin with Mr. Spock.

Turns out he reached the pinnacle of hotness in 1967 with that beard (evil, emotional Spock?), and apparently it's gone downhill from there, until now.

So where do Khan's pecs or Kirk and Spock's bromance fall on the line?

[The Hotline: Star Trek]

Related:

The Galactially Hot Women of Star Trek (TOS)

Top Ten Responses to the Star Trek Corset

No William Shatner Cameo in New Star Trek

Sloppy Seconds: And You Thought You Wouldn't Live to See a Gay Space Wedding

Of Course Prince Got Teased a Lot as a Child

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 15:21:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Prince was on PBS' Tavis Smiley Show Monday and Tuesday nights, and a running theme throughout the interviews was how much he got teased as a child. Must have been the raspberry beret. Seriously, can you imagine? The dude is five-foot-nothing, can't weigh more than a buck twenty, and wears cutoff shirts and assless pants. That can't have been a pleasant junior high school experience. Of course, being a musical genius can solve a lot of your problems.

Read more...

This Week in Online Dating

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Maybe you wonder why I'm single. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I'm going to show you. Plus, since it's Friday, you deserve a good laugh.

I decided to compile the worst (er, best?) of the messages I received from an online dating site this week. And as I Twittered yesterday, "Dear men who are online dating: if you have to tell me you are "smart, funny, clever" chances are you're, not. Sorry to break the news."

First, this form letter from an older ~~gentleman~~ douchebag.

Subject: Yes there is a secret to happiness

So, know that I am a dynamic and diversified well experienced delight. And no, you will NOT be falling in love with me but yes, there will likely be golden moments to treasure.

Expect a guy who likes cats, is well traveled, knows that we were born in differing years and will forgive you for your comparitive youth and inexperience providing that you too are delightful and can carry a conversation, be intriguing, are not afraid of being with someone that society would frown on you associating with due to the age differential, but it is OK if you keep the door ajar in our lives knowing that for the rest of your life you can call upon me to solve situations, open doors, dissuade others from being a pain in the ass, or make problems emulsify and disappear on demand.

Ask me about my exquisite poetry, the German Prince, a Maltese Diplomat, the Island in the South Pacific, Niagara Falls, the United Nations, the Pyramid of the Sun near Mexico City, or teaching college and I will give you a true story.

Perhaps over a beverage. . .

This next one wasn't so bad (my profile says I am "really good at fixing shit" and also like to cook) until the last part. Perhaps I can help him fix his space bar?

I'd love it if you cooked for me while helping me do some dry wall or texture matching;) Love your profile, dig your pics. You seem like one badass , beautiful chic!I'm a nice, smart, down to earth, fun, loving guy! Hope you'll holler back!

Then there was this guy who I did NOT write back. Don't you think it sort-of sounds like a Nigerian email scam?

Thanks for writing me back,Honestly When i first saw your Profile i was intrigued! also with polite profile, You're a beautiful woman and i really admire that very much. First you have to understand that all that glitters aren't Gold but when i see a pure diamond i won't hesitate to jump on it. silly me with cute joke lol .
Am Currently in West Central Africa- Working on a ( Casino Project ) being here over a month , I have 1 week to return to the States. I will like to get to know more about you and see where this leads too - feel free to ask me questions - i will be glad to answer and tell you more about myself , I enjoy good conversation.I want you to Know That the Distance should not be an Obstacle ok..We can always try and work things out.. We Can Only make it if we try...
I Really don't think distance is a negative factor for a lasting relationship - Understanding and Clicking matters a lot -- Do you honestly think we can make magic.. Am in search of an Ideal Woman!! Someone to share my passion and love for. If you think you're worth it.. Let's make magic
You have my Attention! I will write a lot about me on my next email - this is just a tipsy.
Chris G
PS! I Appreciate you writing me back , Lets have Online conversation Through Yahoo I'M. My Screen Name ''chris_xxxxxx"

Wouldn't you think that if one is using ONLINE DATING that one could GOOGLE one of the sexiest men of all time?

Who is Michaeal McDonald?
Pardon my inculture, but I have no idea.
And tell me more about your dog. How are things? I'm considering taking one next year but since I want to travel in 2 or 3 years, I know I shouldn't.
Also, you think you'll get away without writing me, whereas, no no, it's highly inacceptable! :-)
In other terms, yes, absolutely, I'd love to read from you.
Ok, bon weekend et peut-être à bientôt.

Keep in mind, dear readers, that all of these men (according to their profiles) are Americans whose first language is English.

Tommy Lee's Online Ladyfriend

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Reminder: Catch Me In The Flesh Tonight

Emily Farris — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:28:00 GMT

Hey Scanners, I'm off to get a 90-minute massage before I scramble to finish my essay for tonight's In the Flesh erotic reading series, so this will be my last post of the day. Be nice to Scanners Brian, Colleen and Ina. And if you're in New York, I hope to see you at Happy Ending later.

In The Flesh is proud to present its second annual Virgin Night, featuring new authors and first-time readers. Texan Jenny Block reads from Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage, Smart Bitches, Trashy Books blogger and co-author of Beyond Heaving Bosoms Sarah Wendell shares the sexy side of romance, memoirist (I'm Perfect, You're Doomed) and ex-Jehovah's Witness Kyria Abrahams talks about losing her virginity, Jehovah's Witness style, while Nerve.com Scanner blogger Emily Farris delivers a sex story and erotic romance novelist (Stranger, Dirty) Megan Hart reads her steamy prose, along with Gideon Levy of Kinky Jews and Sugarbutch Chronicles blogger Sinclair Sexsmith, and first-time reader Nicolette Dixon. Books will be available for sale by Mobile Libris. Free giveaways include a body massage candle by JimmyJane and the word game SexySlang (formerly PervArtistry). Hosted and curated by Rachel Kramer BusselThe Mile High Club, Do Not Disturb, Spanked). Free candy and cupcakes, as well as cookies courtesy of Ravenous Romance, will be served.

More details after the jump.

In the Flesh is a monthly reading series hosted at the appropriately named Happy Ending Lounge, and features the city's best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and curated by acclaimed erotic writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. From erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors get naked on the page and will make you lust after them and their words. Since its debut in October 2005, In the Flesh has featured such authors as Laura Antoniou, Mo Beasley, Susie Bright, Lily Burana, Jessica Cutler, Stephen Elliott, Valerie Frankel, Polly Frost, Gael Greene, Andy Horwitz, Debra Hyde, Maxim Jakubowski, Emily Scarlet Kramer of CAKE, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, Edith Layton, Logan Levkoff, Suzanne Portnoy, Sofia Quintero, M.J. Rose, Lauren Sanders, Danyel Smith, Grant Stoddard, Cecilia Tan, Carol Taylor, Dana Vachon, Veronica Vera, Susan Wright, Zane and many others. The series has gotten press attention from the New York Times’s UrbanEye, Escape (Hong Kong), Flavorpill, The L Magazine, New York Magazine, New York Observer, Philadelphia City Paper, Time Out New York, Gothamist, Nerve.com and Wonkette, and has been praised by Dr. Ruth.

Kyria Abrahams is the author of the memoir I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed: Tales From a Jehovah’s Witness Upbringing. She is a 34-year-old standup comedian, spoken-word poet, and web producer. She lives in Queens, New York.
www.kyriaabrahams.com

Jenny Block is the author of Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage (Seal Press, June 2008), which has been nominated for a Lambda Literary Award. She writes a weekly column for the Dallas Morning News publication Quick called “Sex Talk with Jenny Block” (quickdfw.com) as well as for a variety of other publications and websites, including huffingtonpost.com. Her essay “And Then We Were Poly” is included in Rebecca Walker’s book, One Big Happy Family: 18 Writers Talk About Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, Househusbandry,Single Motherhood, and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love (Riverhead Hardcover, February 2009), which received a starred review from Kirkus. Jenny holds both her BA and her MA in English from Virginia Commonwealth University and taught college composition for nearly ten years.
jennyonthepage.com

Rachel Kramer Bussel is an author, editor, blogger and reading series host. She is Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations and a former sex columnist for The Village Voice. She’s edited numerous anthologies, most recently The Mile High Club: Plane Sex Stories, Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories, Best Sex Writing 2009, Tasting Him, Tasting Her, and Spanked. Her writing been published in publications such as Clean Sheets, Cosmopolitan, Fresh Yarn, Huffington Post, Mediabistro, Newsday, New York Post, San Francisco Chronicle, Tango, The Village Voice, and Time Out New York, and in over 100 anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006. She has hosted In The Flesh since October 2005.
rachelkramerbussel.com

Nicolette Dixon is very excited to be reading her first erotic story at In The Flesh. She is a performer and a theater artist hailing from San Diego, but has left her mark all over California and therefor decided to give life on the east coast a go. She can also be seen clowning with the sketch comedy troupe Peer Pressure. She has a fascination with all things related to travel and transit.

When Emily Farris was an impressionable youth her mom told her that people who talk the most about sex are the ones having the least of it. In Emily's case this has, unfortunately, turned out to be true. This makes her pretty good at her job, as editor of Nerve.com's culture blog, Scanner. She also takes her sexual frustration out in the kitchen and her first cookbook, Casserole Crazy: Hot Stuff for Your Oven was published in 2008. Having recently escaped New York, Emily now lives in a ridiculously large apartment in Kansas City, MO with her cat, but just one... so far.
eefers.com

Megan Hart began writing short fantasy, horror and science fiction before graduating to novel-length romances. In 1998, now a stay-home mom, Megan took up writing in earnest, attending her first writing conference and getting her first request for a full manuscript. In 2002 she saw her first book in print, and she hasn't stopped since. She's published in almost every genre of romantic fiction, including historical, contemporary, romantic suspense, romantic comedy, futuristic, fantasy and perhaps most notably, erotic. She also writes non-erotic fantasy and science fiction, as well as continuing to occasionally dabble in horror. Megan's goal is to continue writing spicy, thrilling love stories with a twist. Her dream is to have a movie made of every one of her novels, starring herself as the heroine and Keanu Reeves as the hero. Megan lives in the deep, dark woods with Superman and two monsters...er...children. Her books for Harlequin Spice include Stranger, Tempted, Broken and Dirty.
readinbed.com

Gideon Levy is a loud and proud, native Brooklynite who makes his living sharing the stories of New York as a City Tour Guide with his family tour company Levy's Unique New York, the Tenement Museum, NY Water Taxi, and about half a dozen other outfits who probably still owe him money. He enjoys the finer things in life like a nice three-piece suit, a well-balanced cocktail, a well-written and drawn graphic novel, and tying up and spanking beautiful, naughty girls, especially through his organization Kinky Jews (www.kinkyjews.com). Not published yet, but trying, Gideon is currently working on a 22nd century Superhero Political comic book, an early 20th century Lower East Side Crime Drama, and tonight will be reading from a recently completed novella called "She & I.

Sinclair Sexsmith was named 2008's #1 Top Sex Blogger for Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Sex, Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies, including the Best Lesbian Erotica series and the forthcoming Femmethology, Mr. Sexsmith enjoys whiskey, topping, the serial comma, political activism, and has been known to get on his knees in order to fix the strappy sandals of a queer femme. Sugarbutch Star chapbooks are available, if you ask nicely (and have five bucks).
Sugarbutch.net

Sarah Wendell is a transplanted Pittsburgher currently living in New York metropolitan area. By day she's mild mannered and heavily caffeinated. By evening she dons her cranky costume, consumes yet more caffeine, and becomes Smart Bitch Sarah of Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. The site specializes in reviewing romance novels, examining the history and future of the genre, and bemoaning the enormous prevalence of bodacious pectorals adorning male cover models. Sarah is co-author of the seminal monument to all things romance: Beyond Heaving Bosoms: the Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance Novels.
www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com

Related:

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You Know What is Too Big

Amazon Rank Fail

Scanner's Stories of Love and Hate: Feb 12, NYC

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:14:00 GMT

Last week, while we were taking the dog out for a poo, a man standing in the driveway of the apartment building next door said "Can I have your number?" There was no "Hi, my name is...." There wasn't even a "Hi." We wondered in what world he thinks he can approach women like that and actually get the response he wants. Instead of giving him that speech, we just said "no," gave him a disgusted look and gushed over our poopy puppy. Apparently we weren't the only ones wondering what these men are thinking. As the ladies at Jezebel asked, after a New York Times article on talking to boys about sex, how do you keep boys from becoming [::sigh::] "that creepy guy on Nerve?" [Jezebel]

Speaking of dog poo, we're glad we don't have a microphone held up to our dog's ass every time we take him out. Poor Sasha Obama. [Twitpic]

We could listen to Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen and that guy from the BBC read from Harlequin romance novels all day. Especially when Rogen still has a few extra pounds on him. [Videogum]

What can the Kansas City Police Department do to cut costs during these hard economic times? How, how about just eliminating benefits for same-sex couples? That's cool with everybody, right? [Plog]

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what any respectable starlet should do after a break-up: she got half-naked for Maxim. [People]

A fleet (a battalion?) of dolphins has joined the anti-pirate crusade. [DailyIntel]

At long last: Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman has all fourteen of her children at home. [Us]

New York Scanners: Catch Scanner Emily in the Flesh

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:43:00 GMT

No, don't worry. I'm not going to traumatize you with my pale-purplish nekkidness. Instead I'll be reading a yet-to-be-completed "sexy" story at Rachel Kramer Bussel's erotic reading series called "In the Flesh" Thursday night at the Happy Ending Lounge. It's virgin night, meaning we're all first-time readers, and I'm a little nervous. But I'm in good company:

In The Flesh is proud to present its second annual Virgin Night, featuring new authors and first-time readers. Texan Jenny Block reads from Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage, Smart Bitches, Trashy Books blogger and co-author of Beyond Heaving Bosoms Sarah Wendell shares the sexy side of romance, memoirist (I'm Perfect, You're Doomed) and ex-Jehovah's Witness Kyria Abrahams talks about losing her virginity, Jehovah's Witness style, while Nerve.com Scanner blogger Emily Farris delivers a sex story and erotic romance novelist (Stranger, Dirty) Megan Hart reads her steamy prose, along with Gideon Levy of Kinky Jews and Sugarbutch Chronicles blogger Sinclair Sexsmith, and first-time reader Nicolette Dixon. Books will be available for sale by Mobile Libris. Free giveaways include a body massage candle by JimmyJane and the word game SexySlang (formerly PervArtistry). Hosted and curated by Rachel Kramer BusselThe Mile High Club, Do Not Disturb, Spanked). Free candy and cupcakes, as well as cookies courtesy of Ravenous Romance, will be served

More details after the jump.

VIRGIN NIGHT
April 16th at 8 PM
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676
http://inthefleshreadingseries.blogspot.comIn the Flesh is a monthly reading series hosted at the appropriately named Happy Ending Lounge, and features the city's best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and curated by acclaimed erotic writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. From erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors get naked on the page and will make you lust after them and their words. Since its debut in October 2005, In the Flesh has featured such authors as Laura Antoniou, Mo Beasley, Susie Bright, Lily Burana, Jessica Cutler, Stephen Elliott, Valerie Frankel, Polly Frost, Gael Greene, Andy Horwitz, Debra Hyde, Maxim Jakubowski, Emily Scarlet Kramer of CAKE, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, Edith Layton, Logan Levkoff, Suzanne Portnoy, Sofia Quintero, M.J. Rose, Lauren Sanders, Danyel Smith, Grant Stoddard, Cecilia Tan, Carol Taylor, Dana Vachon, Veronica Vera, Susan Wright, Zane and many others. The series has gotten press attention from the New York Times’s UrbanEye, Escape (Hong Kong), Flavorpill, The L Magazine, New York Magazine, New York Observer, Philadelphia City Paper, Time Out New York, Gothamist, Nerve.com and Wonkette, and has been praised by Dr. Ruth.

Kyria Abrahams is the author of the memoir I’m Perfect, You’re Doomed: Tales From a Jehovah’s Witness Upbringing. She is a 34-year-old standup comedian, spoken-word poet, and web producer. She lives in Queens, New York.
www.kyriaabrahams.com

Jenny Block is the author of Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage (Seal Press, June 2008), which has been nominated for a Lambda Literary Award. She writes a weekly column for the Dallas Morning News publication Quick called “Sex Talk with Jenny Block” (quickdfw.com) as well as for a variety of other publications and websites, including huffingtonpost.com. Her essay “And Then We Were Poly” is included in Rebecca Walker’s book, One Big Happy Family: 18 Writers Talk About Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, Househusbandry,Single Motherhood, and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love (Riverhead Hardcover, February 2009), which received a starred review from Kirkus. Jenny holds both her BA and her MA in English from Virginia Commonwealth University and taught college composition for nearly ten years.
jennyonthepage.com

Rachel Kramer Bussel is an author, editor, blogger and reading series host. She is Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations and a former sex columnist for The Village Voice. She’s edited numerous anthologies, most recently The Mile High Club: Plane Sex Stories, Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories, Best Sex Writing 2009, Tasting Him, Tasting Her, and Spanked. Her writing been published in publications such as Clean Sheets, Cosmopolitan, Fresh Yarn, Huffington Post, Mediabistro, Newsday, New York Post, San Francisco Chronicle, Tango, The Village Voice, and Time Out New York, and in over 100 anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006. She has hosted In The Flesh since October 2005.
rachelkramerbussel.com

Nicolette Dixon is very excited to be reading her first erotic story at In The Flesh. She is a performer and a theater artist hailing from San Diego, but has left her mark all over California and therefor decided to give life on the east coast a go. She can also be seen clowning with the sketch comedy troupe Peer Pressure. She has a fascination with all things related to travel and transit.

When Emily Farris was an impressionable youth her mom told her that people who talk the most about sex are the ones having the least of it. In Emily's case this has, unfortunately, turned out to be true. This makes her pretty good at her job, as editor of Nerve.com's culture blog, Scanner. She also takes her sexual frustration out in the kitchen and her first cookbook, Casserole Crazy: Hot Stuff for Your Oven was published in 2008. Having recently escaped New York, Emily now lives in a ridiculously large apartment in Kansas City, MO with her cat, but just one... so far.
eefers.com

Megan Hart began writing short fantasy, horror and science fiction before graduating to novel-length romances. In 1998, now a stay-home mom, Megan took up writing in earnest, attending her first writing conference and getting her first request for a full manuscript. In 2002 she saw her first book in print, and she hasn't stopped since. She's published in almost every genre of romantic fiction, including historical, contemporary, romantic suspense, romantic comedy, futuristic, fantasy and perhaps most notably, erotic. She also writes non-erotic fantasy and science fiction, as well as continuing to occasionally dabble in horror. Megan's goal is to continue writing spicy, thrilling love stories with a twist. Her dream is to have a movie made of every one of her novels, starring herself as the heroine and Keanu Reeves as the hero. Megan lives in the deep, dark woods with Superman and two monsters...er...children. Her books for Harlequin Spice include Stranger, Tempted, Broken and Dirty.
readinbed.com

Gideon Levy is a loud and proud, native Brooklynite who makes his living sharing the stories of New York as a City Tour Guide with his family tour company Levy's Unique New York, the Tenement Museum, NY Water Taxi, and about half a dozen other outfits who probably still owe him money. He enjoys the finer things in life like a nice three-piece suit, a well-balanced cocktail, a well-written and drawn graphic novel, and tying up and spanking beautiful, naughty girls, especially through his organization Kinky Jews (www.kinkyjews.com). Not published yet, but trying, Gideon is currently working on a 22nd century Superhero Political comic book, an early 20th century Lower East Side Crime Drama, and tonight will be reading from a recently completed novella called "She & I.

Sinclair Sexsmith was named 2008's #1 Top Sex Blogger for Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Sex, Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies, including the Best Lesbian Erotica series and the forthcoming Femmethology, Mr. Sexsmith enjoys whiskey, topping, the serial comma, political activism, and has been known to get on his knees in order to fix the strappy sandals of a queer femme. Sugarbutch Star chapbooks are available, if you ask nicely (and have five bucks).
Sugarbutch.net

Sarah Wendell is a transplanted Pittsburgher currently living in New York metropolitan area. By day she's mild mannered and heavily caffeinated. By evening she dons her cranky costume, consumes yet more caffeine, and becomes Smart Bitch Sarah of Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. The site specializes in reviewing romance novels, examining the history and future of the genre, and bemoaning the enormous prevalence of bodacious pectorals adorning male cover models. Sarah is co-author of the seminal monument to all things romance: Beyond Heaving Bosoms: the Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance Novels.
www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com

Related:

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You Know What is Too Big

Amazon Rank Fail

Scanner's Stories of Love and Hate: Feb 12, NYC

In The Flesh logo by Molly Crabapple

Video of the Day: Neko Case's "People Got a Lotta Nerve"

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:03:00 GMT

We love this video for "People got a Lotta Nerve" from the album Middle Cyclone because 1. It's by one of our favorite lady singers, Neko Case, and 2. it has Nerve in the title. Also, it's just a really great song.

Related:

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Video of the Day: Doctors in The Philippines Remove a Can From a Man's Ass, Get a Good Laugh

[Image]

From Scanner HQ

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:41:00 GMT

Just a few friendly reminders from the Scanner business office:

1. Yesterday Colleen and I (Scanner Emily) were named among the Sexy Twitterati. Are you following us yet? @scanneremily and @colleenkane.

2. Will you be Nerve's friend—er fan—on Facebook! Pretty please? With a cherry on top? Just think how cool you'll look to all your other friends.

3. I'm still in the lead to win $200 for my dog-humping-leg missed connection, but to lock it in I could really, really use your 10 stars. It's just two clicks (one to get there and one to vote) and you have no idea how much $200 is to a blogger (like $2,000 to a normal person with a real job).

4. And just in case you've forgotten, you can now reach Scanner directly by typing dailyscanner.com into your address bar.

That is all. Happy Friday.

Pin-Ups for Sneakerheads

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 20:27:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Every straight male sneakerhead's fantasy has just come true.

Click below for more photos from Playboy's "Hot Chicks, Cool Kicks" feature:

Read more...

Sale of the Day: Sex Cents

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 20:46:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Know what's even better than a naughty drawer full of sex toys? A naughty drawer full of sex toys that were purchased on the cheap! Thank goodness for Good Vibrations, which totally has your sexy money-saving sense covered with 25% off everything in their online store:

Read more...

Today on "Oprah": Q&A With Polygamists [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 20:41:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: We love us some Oprah. We even like the semi-boring Friday episodes where Mark Consuelos tells his Mr. Mom stories. But, most of all, we love when Oprah talks to people who may or may not be crazy. We've been waiting all weekend to see her trip to the Yearning for Zion Ranch so we can watch her ask the polygamists if they like Big Love...

Here's a sneak peek of today's episode below...

Read more...

Nerve Editors Pick the 40 Sexiest Frontwomen in Rock History

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:02:00 GMT

Today the Nerve editors published a list of the forty sexiest front women in rock 'n roll history. We certainly agree with most of them, including Jenny Lewis, pictured above, while we're a bit thrown off by others. We absolutely agree that number one belongs a place high on the list, but the question is: does she belong at number one?

#1) Tina Turner

"Take one golden klaxon of a voice, slap on the two most ironclad gams in show biz, and what do you get? The most slamming septuagenarian in rock history. Truly the original Bionic Woman, Ms. Turner has sold two-hundred-million records and more tickets than any another solo star, all the while flipping retirement the bird. The rules of Thunderdome are simple, but the rules of being The Queen of Rock and Roll are even simpler: be the freaking best."

See the list in its entirety here.

Related:

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

10 Hottest Funny Women

Another Woman We've Never Heard of Is Maxim's Hottest Woman in The World

[Image, Image]

Salma Hayek's First TV Commercial [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:35:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: The unbearably gorgeous Salma with ridiculous '80's hair and headband, in an ad for Burger Boy, a Mexican fast food chain.

Read more...

Salma Hayek's First TV Commercial [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 08:10:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: The unbearably gorgeous Salma with ridiculous '80's hair and headband, in an ad for Burger Boy, a Mexican fast food chain.

Read more...

STD Sunday: The "Rock of Love" Final Four Are Boring And Weird

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 21:33:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Hey, you ever noticed how hard it is to tell when Bret Michaels is having fun? He's got that waxy, worked-on face. It never betrays anything other than "I'm Bret Michaels." Well, we sort of had the same face last night. Oh, that happened, and then that happened? Huh. OK. Whatevs.

Read more...

Today in Architectural Porn: The Sex Bookshelf

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 13:10:00 GMT

Some designer named Arun Kumar Francis wants to make reading sexy.

Apparently, it also involves Obama and a bunch of bound dissertations... full, awful (?)/awesome (?) photo after the jump...

This bookshelf really needs a copy of Nerve: The First Ten Years... hell, at least Casserole Crazy.

Via the Design Blog.

Related:

Bill O'Reilly's Dirty Talk Express

Live Blogging SXSWi: Ur Blog Sux and Print is Dead

Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

Is Dora The Explorer's Weight a Thing?

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 21:11:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Earlier this month, our minds were semi-blown when the newly slimmed down Miss Piggy appeared as a guest on The View, and now it seems even Dora the Explorer is bringing skinny back to Saturday morning cartoons.

Here's a look at the new, sexier Dora...

Read more...

"Family Guy" Episode Pisses Off Parents (VIDEO)

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:30:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Family Guy has gone too far this time, guys. At least, the Parents Television Council seems to think so -- evidently, the March 8 episode had a little too much bestiality, gay orgies, and consumption of horse sperm for their tastes...

"Fox treated viewers to everything from an ‘eleven-way’ gay orgy to baby Stewie eating a bowl of cereal with horse sperm instead of milk ... if that isn’t enough, the show’s leading character is also shown fanaticizing about his wife and moaning while a horse licks his bare behind. Clearly, the explicit content was not isolated to one instance in one segment of the show; it permeated the entire program." -- PTC President Tim Winter (Live Feed)

We have three reactions to this: First, did you know the PTC was a thing? Second, is this his full time job? Because, if so, it's got to be the WORST job in the world. Presumably they don't have any power to actually regulate TV content (since, you know, we have the FCC for that), so all they can do is spend their days writing angry letters. Third, maybe we should be watching Family Guy more.

Let's take their concerns one at a time...

Read more...

"American Idol" Has Porno Problems

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:37:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: There's a very funny little telephone complication caused by Idol taking Anoop Desai as its 13th finalist...

You see, when American Idol asks viewers to vote for finalists, they generally have them call one of twelve numbers, which range from 1-866-436-5701 to 1-866-436-5712. Pretty straightforward stuff. Except now the show's got 13 finalists. And it doesn't own the number 1-866-436-5713.

"The L Word": Lesbian School Is Out Forever

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 20:26:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Like Jenny Schecter, The L Word met its merciful end last night. (Except, Dear Sweet Pregnant Man - there are rumors of a movie.) There were revelations of just how manipulative and evil Jenny Schecter had been, and the question "Who killed Jenny" got no clear answer (suicide? Niki Stevens?). Regardless, Showtime's website will keep it going with webisodes from the interrogation room, and it seems Alice will take the rap (frame job?) and star in the women's prison spinoff, with Laurie Metcalf and Famke Janssen.

Read more...

"Dancing With The Stars": Jewel's Out, "Girl Next Door" Holly Madison Is In

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 19:52:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Jewel and Access Hollywood host Nancy O'Dell have both dropped out of Dancing With the Stars, as coincidentally, both women have suffered from injuries that prevent them from dancing on the show.

Smell Like Wiliam Shatner

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 21:34:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: William Shatner looks totally surprised here that you'd want to smell like him, lil ol' him, but he knows that he's awesome.

And someone has finally figured out a way to bottle the awesome. Apparently.

Read more...

More Secret Sex Toys

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

(Says Scanner Emily: I need this!)

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Yesterday, I showed you a lamp, and a fish bowl that secretly hid sex toys. Today, as you can see above, a designer has gone ahead and developed a paper towel holder that is ALSO a secret sex toy. Since this seems like a fun game, herewith, a couple of secret sex toys I've developed:

Read more...

Awkward Tuesday: Is "The Bachelor" Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 18:41:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Here's the conversation we had with our sister during the premiere of this season of The Bachelor:

Our sister: I hate Jason.
Us: What? Why? He's awesome.
Our sister: I think he's evil.
Us: You're crazy.

OMG. She was right. He is evil. And a crybaby...

The thing is, there were so many awkward moments during last night's three-hour ordeal that it's difficult to know where to begin.

First, the episode...

Scanner Highs and Lows: We've Never Been So Glad It's Friday

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:30:00 GMT

We're closing down shop a little early today because we've reached that point in the week when we can no longer put words together. Well, we reached it a few hours ago and realized, 'hey, we have a job that allows us to drink while we work,' so that helped us put these words together. A little. Also, this picture is the first thing that's made us laugh all day, so shut up.

Highs:

We made a promise that we will keep if you can provide the right conditions.

This made us laugh. Out loud.

So did this guy.

We learned that dating is not dead.

We considered moving to California.

While Scanner Brian considered moving to Maine.

And Scanner Colleen decided she won't be moving to Jamaica any time soon.

And he asked who should pay on a first date.

We found out there was a nip slip at the Oscars after all (and we have the one picture to prove it).

You were as confused and strangely pleased by this video as we were.

We discussed Lindsay Lohan's breasts.

Lows:

Scanner Brian made us realize, yet again, how lucky we are not to have a penis of our own to play with.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We (hopefully only temporarily) lost our boner for Seth Rogen.

We found out we have some serious competition.

Scanner Brian told us something we probably could have told us if he'd ever bothered to ask.

We were forced to think about Rush Limbaugh for the first time in a long time.

We misspelled the name of a prosthetic dog testicle company. Oops.

We learned that perhaps it's time to mess with Texas.

We developed a healthy fear of household appliances.

The Crazy Baby Lady got an offer to do porn.

Then a counter offer not to.

We wondered if we had a dating problem or a drinking problem. (We think we know the answer now, thanks).

And then we found the last thing in the world we need.

[Image]

This Kate Was Made for Walking (On)

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 15:26:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Whether you love or hate Kate Moss, you've got to admit that she's... Kate Moss. And now you can literally walk all over her iconic image:

Read more...

Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:33:00 GMT

You know it's a good week when real vampires get pissed off at fake vampires... or is it real fake vampires getting pissed at fake fake vampires?

Highs:

We found our new favorite man-boy band.

Our token Canadian helped us celebrate President's Day.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We laughed so hard at Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop we almost peed our pants (okay, maybe we did a little).

We were validated, yet again, in our Crazy Cat Ladydom.

We also feel a lot better about that nervous breakdown we had at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We totally crushed on Playboy's newest play boy.

We looked at Kate Moss semi-naked and got a little jeal-jeal of her cute little tats.

We went shopping.

We discussed our girl parts, twice.

We fell in love with LOVE.

We need you to put a baby in us. Right now.

Lows:

Now we know how we do not want to die.

Looks like somebody's putting Johnny in a corner.

We found another beard we simply cannot endorse.

We recalled, for the umpteenth time, how we lost our virginity.

We learned that we are not unique.

Apparently, we cannot earn Weight Watchers activity points for sex.

We learned that fake fake vampires are pissing off real fake vampires.

We bid a fond farewell to Con-nan O'Briaaaaaahhhn.

And a bittersweet farewell to a crazy-ass chimp.

We don't want to be Obama's elf.

Barbie got even skinnier.

But this might be worse than all that.

My Deflowered Memoir Is Not So Flower-y

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:11:00 GMT

I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. It was less than spectacular.

That is the abridged version of my deflowering. If I were to tell you the longer vesion I might include the part where I left thinking "wasn't that supposed to hurt?"

If I were to write the longer version, I might also submit it to Deflowered Memoirs, a new website (and hopefully book) that shares women's stories of their first times.

Because I was sick with nerves, I wanted to treat him like a sex deliveryman who had come to quickly perform a service…to rid me of this stupid embarrassing leftover of babyhood. Then, he could be off to his next sad and pathetically old virgin client. Unfortunately, he wanted to eat before we got started. So, we went to the local Tasty Freeze, just like "Jack and Diane" of John Mellencamp's teen love anthem, which retrospectively seems ironically appropriate. Energized by burgers and fries, we headed back to my apartment, where I nervously attempted small talk. Thankfully, Mike grew impatient quickly. He clumsily lifted me mid-sentence, pushed me hard against the nearest wall, and shoved his tongue down my throat. "It's beginning" I thought with relief as he carried me to my room, threw me on the bed, disrobed me and deflowered me. There was no pain, no blood. I even had an orgasm thanks to his "cunning linguistics." About five minutes in to the experience I thought, “this is so not a big deal. What the fuck was I worried about?” Nevertheless, when it was over, I prayed for him to leave. I didn't want to be bothered with a post-coital intimacy that didn't exist. Thankfully, he did; and I quickly called Jackie to tell her all about the experience. Then, I made a list of other boys I wanted to "hang out" with now that the virginity monkey was off my back. But, before moving on to that list, I decided to travel north to Indianapolis to perfect my skills with Mike the following weekend…and the weekend after that, and the one after that…and then all hell broke loose...and I realized that perhaps sex wasn't as perfectly simple as I wanted it to be.

That's an excerpt from creator Abby Kincaid's memoir. But it sure does sound a lot like ours.

[Deflowered Memoirs]

Related:

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Virginity Auction: Now How Much Would You Pay?

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

Takin' Care of Business

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:31:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder from the Scanner Business Office that:

1. you can reach us quicker on your phoneputer at our direct URL, dailyscanner.com.

2. Scanner Emily is now Twittering, as is Scanner Colleen.

Want to See What We Twat?

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:19:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder that Scanner Emily and Scanner Colleen are now on Twitter. We're new to all this and we ~~need~~ want you to follow us so we feel good about ourselves.

Also, we thought we'd let you know that one can Twitter and blog under the comfort of a Snuggie.

Related: