Scanner : nature

Because We are Classy: the Bumper Dumper!

Colleen Kane — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 19:20:00 GMT

Ever find yourself needing relief in nature, only you are too classy to do it the old fashioned-way? You know: the way that was good enough for the Native Americans but not you? This Bumper Dumper is apparently preferable to the old-fashioned way...because it resembles a traditional commode and you don't have to squat?

So there you go. No tiresome working of those upper-leg muscles while camping this year, or as suggested by their website, whilst evacuating from a disaster (hee hee: evactuating) or while using during hurricane relief (hee hee: relief). You're welcome.

(via commenter Butch, who probs found this on some nutty message board)

Related:

LOL Videoz: The Cock Shot

Thing #234 Not to F*ck: A Pine Cone

See Ya in Amsterdam, Nature Lovers!

Isabella's at it Again

Colleen Kane — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:32:00 GMT

Isabella Rossellini, who has clearly lost her mind, has created another entry in her "Green Porno" series for Sundance. In this one, she recites a poem called "Why Vagina."

While surrounded by 22 paper penises.

And in season two, she enacts sex by sea creatures: anglerfish, barnacle, starfish, limpet. View the video here.

Does anyone like this Green Porno stuff?

Related:

Video of the Day: Isabella Rossellini's Arty, Ridiculous, Awesome Bug Porn

Isabella Rossellini Does Bug Porn

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About "Horrific Beetle Sex"

Thing #234 Not to F*ck: A Pine Cone

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:25:00 GMT

A reminder to folks out there who aren't getting any action: sex toys, including dildos, vibrators, and other phallic devices are widely available, even in godforsaken Third World countries like Iraq and Texas.

One woman wishes she had known that before deciding to get closer to nature... a whole lot closer...

A friend from another land thought we would all appreciate the story of Mirjana Gavaric, a woman from Belgrade who recently underwent an operation to have a pine cone removed from her vagina. (The Sun confirms these details, although they aren't entirely reliable.) Gavaric told hospital staff that she had been walking in Serbia's capital when she came across a "finely-shaped" cone, much like the one we've pictured above, and couldn't resist. FYI, Ms. Gavaric, prostitutes are very cheap in Serbia-- much cheaper than the two hour operation you had to endure, we're sure.

How long before we start hearing about vicars with potatoes up their butts or women with pine cones in their hoo-has in the Bible Belt of America? We'll keep you posted...

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Today in Nature Porn: The Vagina Cave

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 23:23:00 GMT

Normally, we don't link to the Fail Blog or even the creative ripoff-- wait for it, wait for it-- Total Fail Blog, a personal stance we arrived at after realizing there's no proof these images aren't doctored.

With this photo, we couldn't care less, because it's awesome.

Nature FAIL? Debatable... but vagina FAIL? Hey, you guys can do what you want, we're sticking around to buy this cougar a drink...

By the way, in trying to research the above photo (anyone have any idea where this lovely lady rock formation resides?), we discovered the other semi-famous vagina cave, an historical find which we will explore vigorously and report back on...

Would A Rose By Any Other Name Smell As Sweet?

Sports Illustrated Fails At Bikinis, Tries Bodypainting

Top 10 Bands That Twitter

Caught on Tape: Seal Molesting a Penguin

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:42:00 GMT

We should probably first make it clear that we're talking about a seal, not Seal the singer.

A young male Antarctic fur seal was caught on tape trying unsuccessfully to have sex with a king penguin for at least 45 minutes. While it may not seem so strange at first, it is considering that as far as scientists are aware, this is the first known example of a sexual escapade between a mammal and another kind of vertebrate, like a bird.

"At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous," [researcher Nico de Bruyn, a mammal ecologist at the University of Pretoria in South Africa] recalled today via email.

The roughly 240-pound seal subdued the 30-pound adult penguin by lying on it. The hapless bird of unknown sex struggled, rapidly flapping its flippers and attempting to stand and flee, without luck.

The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis at the bird in vain attempts to insert its penis for 45 minutes. Natural, unsuccessful sexual escapades by this variety of seal with members of its own species may last as long as this penguin assault did, "but yes, it is quite a long time and thus unusual," de Bruyn told LiveScience.

The seal then abruptly gave up, moving to sea and completely ignoring the target of its affections. The penguin apparently did not suffer any injury.

We're glad the little guy was okay and we hope he has a good support system to help him deal with this traumatic experience. If anyone has seen the seal, who is 240 pounds with brown fur and long whiskers, please report him to your local precinct. Do not attempt to restrain him yourself; he is very dangerous.

[MSNBC: Seal caught on tape molesting a penguin]

[Image, Image]

They Are What You Eat: Diets Can Change A Baby's Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 19:19:00 GMT

Do you eat a lot of calories? Well then, scientists in Britain say that means you're more likely to have one of these...

The sex of new babies is influenced by the mother's diet before she conceives, a new study suggests. According to a survey of 740 British mums to be, a high-calorie diet is more likely to lead to a baby boy in nine months' time.
The researchers are unsure of why this happens, although they suggest that it could be to do with levels of glucose in the blood. Male test-tube embryos generally require a more glucose-rich growth medium to survive in the lab — Mathews suspects that a similar process may operate in the uterus, so women with higher sugar levels are more likely to nurture a male embryo as it is implanted in the womb lining. [Nature News]

This article is way too intelligent for us to make snarky comments about... although that doesn't necessarily mean this study won't be debunked in six months or anything...

Via Nature News.

Behold The Mighty Bukkake Tree

Bryan Christian — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:15:00 GMT

Perhaps in your neck of the woods, you're already familiar with the Bradford Pear? Tall, with beautiful white blossoms, the Bradford Pear blooms in early spring and has been used to beautify many North American cities and suburbs.

Also: it smells exactly like cum. Like, when you walk under it, it's like getting a facial by Father Nature himself. If you see one in the next few days -- Brooklynites, they're definitely around and in full effect -- take a whiff and tell us we're not wrong.

When Panda Porn Just Won't Do, Bring in the Bears

Emily Farris — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 19:17:00 GMT

As Scanner Katie mentioned yestrday, panda bears are cute—so cute that they just want to cuddle with each other and whisper sweet panda nothings across their bamboo pillows. But in order to keep the panda population up, they need to copulate. Considering there are only about 1,600 giant pandas left in the wild, desperate scientists have tried many things, including panda porn and teaching the pandas new sexy time moves, to help them overcome their notoriously low sex drives.

But we think we have a better idea (NSFW).

BEARS!

Yeah. We're a little obsessed with Alex and Ian today.

Previously on Scanner:

"Pinups" Issue No. 5 Gets a 10

Panda Sexercise Moves: Say Jazz Paws!

Giant Squid Doesn't Know Where to Put It

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:37:00 GMT

Imagine having eight giant tentacles and a huge penis all in the same general area. Things could get confusing, right? Like, you might inject yourself with your own sperm? Well, one of two male giant squids that washed ashore on a beach in Spain has been inseminated, so either it was himself... or the other guy.

"Although mating has never been observed in giant squid, it is thought that what happens is that the male injects his sperm packages into the female's arms. The process is likely to be a fairly violent affair as the female is probably not that keen on being injected. This is a problem for the amorous male as females are normally a third bigger than they are.

"But males get round their inferior size by being endowed with a particularly long penis, which means they can inject the female without having to get too close to her chomping beak. The male's sexual organ is actually a bit like a high-pressure fire hose and is normally nearly as long as his body - excluding legs and head.

"But having such a big penis does have one drawback: it seems that co-ordinating eight legs, two feeding tentacles and a huge penis, whilst fending off an irate female, is a bit too much to ask, and one of the two males stranded on the Spanish coast had accidentally injected himself with sperm packages in the legs and body. And this does not seem to have been an isolated incident since two of the eight males that had stranded in the north-east Atlantic before had also accidentally inseminated themselves."

"Accidental," eh? Just admit it, you're either a big, gay squid or a little narcissistic. We'll love you just the same.

[CDNN via BoingBoing]

(Thanks, Antonio!)

Image via nationalgeographic.com

Male Praying Mantids Have Sex for Up to 8 Hours After Losing Their Heads

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 13:14:00 GMT

Talk about stamina: a male praying mantid (a member of the mantis genus) can continue to have sex for up to eight hours after his head has been chewed off (literally) by his female counterpart. Take that, Sting!

We thought the lady just had her sex partner for dinner once she got what she wanted from him, but apparently she can eat and then keep going, and going, and going. But lest you think males only think with their boy parts, apparently the male mantids can continue sex for hours after decapitation because they have a "second primitive brain in their abdomens."

However, praying mantid dudes should know that can save themselves by approaching the lady from behind.

[Sydney Morning Herald: Great sex, but his mind's elsewhere…]

Male Spiders Play Dead for Sex, Apparently It's Working Out for Them

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 18:03:00 GMT

So, let's get this straight. When a male spider just lies there with a little bit of food hanging out of his mouth, a female spider will ride him all night long, spidey-style?

Not all male nursery web spiders looking for a little arachnid sex adopt this technique, but those that do more than double their chances of hitting the jackpot, according to new study in Behavioral Ecology...

But the ones that lay flat and motionless -- even if meant getting dragged about by a female that had latched onto the victuals -- wound up in a much better position, as it were, to engage in sexual activity.
Males that played dead were also allowed to copulate longer than males that did not, ensuring more eggs could [be] fertilized, the researchers reported.

Glad that's working out for you, spiders, but I'd like to be the first to say: men, don't try this at home.

[AFP: Male spiders play dead for sex: study]

While You Were Peeping

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 13:12:00 GMT

While you were microwaving peeps, or singing "Easter People, Raise Your Voices," or whatever the hell else you did over the weekend, some very important and not so important things happend, like us missing out on the Peeps Diorama Contest. Seriously, how did we not know about this?

Paris Hilton had to celebrate herself for actually coming into contact with poor black kids, so she threw herself a party in Johannesburg.

Grandma Lohan crashed her Nissan in New York. Hopefully she was wearing clean underwear.

Scientists found a giant starfish in Antarctica.

Jason Rae—husband of British singer Corrine Bailey Rae (the "girl put your records on" girl)—was found dead Saturday, possibly due to a drug overdose.

Kevin Federline turned 30, apparently in style.

And we hate including this in the same post as Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline, but it's worth mentioning that the US military death toll in Iraq reached 4,000.

Isabella Rossellini Does Bug Porn

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 13:33:00 GMT

Actress Isabella Rossellini has written, co-directed and starred in a series of short films depicting insects having sex. A study of the ways certain insects mate, "Green Porno" explores the sexual acts of insects, that if performed by humans, would be considered taboo.

[Twitch via BoingBoing]

That is Not a Berry, That's an Ant's Ass

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 21:07:00 GMT

Not only that. That round red rump is the infected parasitic ass of an ant.

Researchers believe the parasites transform the gasters to trick foraging birds into eating the ants. Birds poop out parasite eggs, allowing the worms to spread to new ant colonies.

If you were a poor little bird, could you tell the difference?

[National Geographic: Parasite Transforms Ants Into ''Berries'']