Scanner : monday

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

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Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

Emily Farris — Mon, 04 May 2009 23:20:00 GMT

Scottish poet Carol Ann Duffy was named the U.K.'s first female Poet Laureate. She's also the first openly gay person to hold the title. [TIME]

Okay, Megan Fox is hot. But Megan Fox eating a hamburger is even hotter, right? [VIDEO: Esquire]

Oprah gave someone else a talk show (hint: it wasn't us). Jenny McCarthy already has her own blog on Oprah.com and now she's getting her own show. How do we get a blog on Oprah.com? [People]

Robert Duvall vs. Wal-Mart. We don't have to tell you whose side we're on. [Yahoo!]

We can all stop worrying about Swine Flu because something else is going to kill us first. Time to beware of Raccoon Ringworm, or Raccoon Roundworm or whatever the hell you want to call the parasite that has blinded a teenager and made an infant brain dead. How the infant came in contact with raccoon feces we don't now. [The Inqisitr]

Scanner Highs and Lows: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:41:00 GMT

And we looked at plenty of pictures last week...

Highs:

We contemplated the idea of getting a sugar daddy to help us through this difficult economic time and realized it's not the worst idea in the world.

Scanner Brian shared the secrets of a happy marriage (not that he has one... yet).

And then he showed us how to make a baby.

And then he showed us some topless pictures of Jessica Biel.

We considered entering the Miss Fag Hag Pageant.

Umm... Viagra FTW?

The Hipster Grifter (and her boobs) made our week a little more exciting.

Lows:

Mischa Barton almost had another something slip, but thankfully did not.

We did some online dating. Well, some online message receiving.

But at least none of the messages were from this douchebag.

We took a quick glimpse into the industry of female orgasm making.

We visited some old (read: unemployed) friends.

We wondered if Miss California is a Mormon.

Is The Hoff cheating on us???

Sloppy Seconds: Because Breast Milk is Cheaper Than Cow's Milk?

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

HBO is developing a new show called "Women's Studies." And we all know what that means. [AfterEllen]

Author JG Ballard, perhaps best known for his book "Empire of the Sun" is dead at 78. [Yahoo!]

If Pulitzer Prize winners are being laid off, is there any hope for us? [Portfolio]

Tennis star Andy Roddick married his girlfriend Brooklyn Decker on Friday. [People]

Though we never had the fear ourselves, we've always understood why certain kids were afraid of the toilet. Now kids everywhere have even more reason to steer clear of the porcelain sucking machine after a three-year-old got her foot stuck in the handle of one (how that happens we don't know) and firefighters had to rescue her. [Telegraph]

Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo is preggers. [Us]

Food made with breast milk is all the rage these days. Maybe it has to do with the price of cow's milk going up? Anyway, the newest breast milk product is cheese. A recent art exhibit in London featured the product. [APP]

Related:

Which Would The Hipster Rather: Breast Milk Cupcakes vs. Cow Milk Cupcakes?

Breast Milk: To Suckle Or Not To Suckle

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Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which You Did Not Dangle Your Balls in Our Face

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:43:00 GMT

Just because we weren't getting teabagged, doesn't mean somebody wasn't.

Highs:

A sexual term may have been turned into a political one but at least Anderson Cooper was there to set FOXNews straight.

And maybe Marlon Brando would set Anderson Cooper... not straight?

We made fun of some fucking hipsters.

We found a real-life Benjamin Button. Sort-of.

We popped our erotic reading cherry.

We won $200 and in turn owe you a good, hard leg humping.

We appreciated the bearded men around us.

And the erotica of the past.

Oh, and some ridiculous romance novel covers.

We started following Ron Jeremy's cock on Twitter.

Maybe that goofy smile we were sporting in our senior yearbook will pay off some day.

We smiled and LOL'd at the trailer for the documentary about Tiffany stalkers.

We also LOL'd at Lindsay Lohan and the fact that she can LOL at herself.

Lows:

Someone is making a movie about Burlesque and didn't cast Scanner Crush Dita Von Teese. But apparently she's doing alright.

Mel Gibson's Russian lover showed us her boobies.

Adult film star Marilyn Chambers was found dead.

We wished we would have filed our taxes on time.

Someone found out that, yes, when go home drunk and alone we totally troll Facebook for potential booty.

In a moment of sexual frustration we wondered if these ants might be onto something.

And then we found creatures more desperate for sex than we are.

We figured out that maybe NPR hasn't hired us yet because we haven't traveled enough to have a cool name.

We were reminded that parents are not so cool with teachers also being Playboy models.

We were reminded, yet again, that you should always, always, always wear a condom.

Vanity Fair picked their most beautiful woman in the world. We yawned.

We were sorely disappointed with the facial hair, or lack thereof, in Kansas City.

And with Amazon.

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:01:00 GMT

The Obamas finally got a puppy. It wasn't a shelter dog (grr) but it sure is cute. [Yahoo!]

Madonna is still trying to adopt a child from Malwai. [Us]

It's posssssible that a hacker was responsible for the #amazonfail. [Vulture]

Fergie would like a baby in her. Right now. [FameCrawler]

Butt implants can be a real pain in the ass if you're having butt sex. Apparently. [ClayCane]

Scarlett Johansson (well, probably her assistant) is as annoyed with the media's obsession with weight and plastic surgery as we are. [The Huffington Post]

Speaking of if you're Keeping up with the Kardashians, you probably know that one of them is having plastic surgery. [The Remote Island]

Sloppy Seconds: Oral Sex is Bad, Mmmmkay?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

Related:

I Guess We'll Never Write About Her Again

Broken Blogger: Scanner Emily

From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

Scanner Highs and Lows: That Was Then and This is Now

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:37:00 GMT

But now that we've had some distance, we can finally look back on what you may have missed while you were busy jerking off to old pictures of Cloris Leachman.

Highs:

We learned that Roseanne was a Riot Grrrl (sort-of) and wished we would have been cool enough to appreciate it back then.

We celebrated National Cleavage Day by looking back at some of our favorite boob stories.

We brought back our old friend Marry, Fuck or Kill. This time it was a sexy doctor edition.

Iowa—IOWA!—legalized gay marriage.

And this gay bishop made us almost appreciate religion again. Almost.

Scanner Brian gave into the goodness of TV. Sort of. (Boner!)

Scanner Colleen told those mother fuckers what's up. Sort of.

And we told those dumb ass publicists what's up.

And we called out some other assholes, just for the hell of it.

We decided we want to be just like Cloris Leachman when we grow up (except we'll eat meat).

On the way to being like Cloris maybe we'll make a little stop in Isabella Rossellini land.

Lows:

We begged for your help. More than once. (P.S. We are still begging for your help.)

We watched a very strange commercial, indeed. One that perpetuated the myth that Asians have very little pubic hair.

We figured out what we want for Christmas.

We felt a little bad for Marisa Tomei.

Scanner Ina tried out Omegle. We did not learn from her mistake.

Scanner Brian made our vaginas hurt. No, not like that, you perverts!

We felt really old when we were reminded it's been 15 years since Kurt Cobain died.

We refused to participate in April Fool's Day. Apparently we were the only ones.

We wondered why Girl Scout Cookies are so damn inaccessible!

And this was probably our favorite story of the week. Sham! Wow!

Related:

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

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Sloppy Seconds: Gisele's "Wake-Up Call"

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:13:00 GMT

R.I.P. New York Times City Section. [Jossip]

A couple in the UK spent 20 years making a model of the town where they first met. Now that's true love, suckers. [Telegraph]

When NASA started an online contest to name the International Space Station's new living quarters, they had no idea Stephen Colbert would start a little campaign to have it named after him. And that he would succeed. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz (and his PENIS!) hopes that his wife Ashlee Simpson will "play the bitch" when she stars on the new Melrose Place. [Us]

Gisele Bündchen says that the arrival of hubby Tom Brady's child with Bridget Moynahan was "a wake-up call." In a good way. [People]

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Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Pardon our tardiness wrapping up the highs and lows of last week, but we were living Planes, Trains and Automobiles 2.0. After eleven hours each in two different airports, a four-hour Greyhound bus ride and an eleven-hour drive, we finally made it to Austin, where we're blogging from South by Southwest Interactive. Today we'll check out all the sexy panels, until then, here's what happened last week.

Highs:

Scanner Brian (along with his buddies at FOXNews) made us feel a little better about our badonkadonks.

Because FOXNews is all about giving us more reasons to have sex.

And so does ABC News.

We love that Paul Rudd loves to get nekkid.

What happens when our favorite show from childhood collides with one of our favorite shows from adulthood? Utter necrophiliac hilarity.

We became a little more open minded about dating people with kids.

National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day made us happy.

We got a second chance at finding a mopey lover at Smiths Speed Dating.

We made a lot of condom-hating men happy when we reported on a study that said a straight shot of semen can treat female depression.

Lows:

Abstinence-Only Education Day did not.

Neither did this little girl.

We worried, momentarily, that Scanner Brian would be out of a job.

But as long as he can recognize that Jason Segel is a sexy, sexy man, he's safe here at Scanner.

New Jersey is about to get a lot more bush.

We considered leaving Bristol Palin alone. And then decided against it.

We were reminded, yet again, how complicated all that getting married bullshit can be.

But maybe if someone loved us this much...

We couldn't get that damn McDonald's jingle out of our heads.

We were a little disappointed with our first condom vending machine purchase.

P Diddy TMI alert!

Sloppy Seconds: Did Barbara Walters Out Whoopi Goldberg?

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 23:02:00 GMT

Because Paris Hilton absolutely needs more puppies. [People]

We've heard that women reach their fertile peak at 27 but maybe that's actually the case for men, too. A new study has shown that children of older fathers have lower IQ scores than those with younger fathers. In contrast, children born to older mothers scored higher on the same tests. This really is the year of the cougar! [Reuters]

Two cheepskate brothers have been exchanging the same birthday card for 36 years. At this point, why even waste money on postage? Just send an ecard, dudes. [Colorado Springs Gazette]

Did Barbara Walters out Whoopi Goldberg on The View last week? Was she already out? Did anyone even notice? Does anyone really care at this point? [VIDEO: AfterEllen]

Related:

Paris Hilton, You and You Alone (and Maybe Nicole Ritchie) Can Stop Puppy Mills

Christian Bale's Rage: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

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