Scanner : missouri

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

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The PETA Empire Strikes Back

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:53:00 GMT

After a huge wave of justified negative press raked PETA over the coals last month, the activist organization has launched an all-out campaign blitch to redirect the attention to animal rights.

The People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, it was confirmed, is guilty of euthanizing 90% of the animals in its care every year. Ingrid Newkirk's group (of mostly white American women in their early 20s) struck back this week with Audrina Partridge, Mike Ness of Social Distortion, and a wave of nudity worldwide...

In Kansas City, Missouri, two girls dressed as cave people and wielded fake human bones to tell pedestrians and passing drivers that fur is for cave people. That annoying asshole from the Geico commercials had no comment. In a Maryland suburb, two bikini girls were photographed cavorted in a tub full of some sort of red vat, parked across from a McDonald's. In England on Sunday, four girls stripped naked and climbed into a skimpy blue makeshift shower to protest (their belief) that eating one pound of meat is as damaging to the environment as six months of showering.

Following that, the group announced punk rocker Mike Ness had joined the movement and Audrina Partridge posed for a magazine ad in far more clothing than she might wear to a memorial service.

Via KC Blog. [Please right-click and set to open in a new tab/window.]

Related:

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Topless Problem

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

FYI, Leslie Out-Nakeds the Naked Cowboy

Kansas City Scanners: Join Me for Some Friday Facial Hair Fun

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

When my friend forwarded me an invitation to a mustache competition tonight, I wrote back, "This is the event I've been waiting for my entire Kansas City life. Okay, really it would be a beard competition, but this is me settling." That might be a little true, but since it's for a good cause, and I don't have any better facial hair going on, I'm heading to the Ozanam Guild's First Annual Mustache Competition tonight.

The Ozanam Guild is a group of young professionals who raise money for Ozanam, a home and school in Kansas City for kids with emotional, behavioral and learning disorders. Your $15 gets you food, drink and all of the Midwestern mustaches your little heart desires (as long as I don't decide I want them first). If you're wearing a mustache, you can get in for $10, and if you, like me, can't grow one, they'll have some at the door. Prizes are promised for the winners of three categories: Best natural mustache, best fake mustache, and best female mustache.

It happens tonight from 6-8 p.m. at the Czar Bar at 1531 Grand. I'll be the redhead with the drool running down my chin (especially since the cute boys in the video I posted above are supposed to be there).

[Ozanam Guild]

Who Are You and What Have You Done With Robert Downey, Jr?

Does that Womb Broom Belong to a Porn Star or a Politician?

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Sloppy Seconds: Missouri's Weekend at Bernie's... Two

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:07:00 GMT

Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabble in the Harry Potter movies has been arrested on charges of possessing some magic herbs. [The Inquisitr]

What? More Star Trek? When will it ever end? [Yahoo!]

Remember earlier today when we said we had no idea what was going on with our state of Missouri? It gets worse. The town of Winfield, MO elected Harry Stonebraker to his fourth term as mayor yesterday. Too bad he died a month ago. It should be noted that this is not the first time Missourians have elected a dead man. [SNAFU-ed]

A crew has taken back a U.S. ship from Somali pirates! [NPR]

Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston said this morning that certain members of the Palin family are lying liars and that he sure as hell was living in sin with Bristol. [Us]

Lindsay Lohan may be heartbroken over her split with Samantha Ronson, but Lohan's grandmother is heartbroken over the split-up of the Lohan family. [People]

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:37:00 GMT

I don't quite understand what's up with Missouri lately. Last year, we elected a Democratic governor while somehow still going for McCain in the presidential election. Here in Kansas City we're trying to recall our mayor and now legislators in my home state want to make sure that women are never coerced into abortion—because if a woman could choose such a terrible thing, she must have been coerced, right? And if you are guilty of coercing a woman into abortion, you could receive felony conviction. Yes, a new bill being passed through the legislature creates the vague crime of "coercing an abortion."

[I]f a woman has experienced threats of having a scholarship for higher education at a public or private institution revoked because she is pregnant; threats of employment discrimination or termination if she continues her pregnancy; stalking, assault or domestic assault. Many of the people with whom I discussed HCS HB 46 & 434 were initially supportive until they looked beneath the surface. The bill would make physicians and anyone assisting them criminals for helping women obtain an abortion "with knowledge" that the woman has been "coerced" and would prohibit the woman from consenting to an abortion as the "victim of a coerced abortion."

Here's an example of this proposed law in action.

Consider a woman who is pregnant as the result of rape who, with her doctor, decides that an abortion is the best course of action. Imagine that rape survivor also mentions to her doctor that her boyfriend agrees with her decision, but has been aggressive with her about it. With HB46, now the doctor must turn the situation over to the government which mandates that the doctor label that rape survivor a "victim of coerced abortion" who "lacks the consent required by law."

Wait, what? Next thing you know, women will be sent to jail for coercing themselves into having abortions. But if they can't manage send us to jail, at least they can go to sleep knowing we're going straight to hell.

[RH Reality Check via Jezebel]

Related:

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Homophobic Phelps Clan to Picket/Pick-On High School Students

Botulism, Abortion, And A Woman's Right To Choose

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SXSW In Review: The Best Worst Week

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:19:00 GMT

Scanner Colleen is a spoiled brat. That's all we're going to say about this photo, which we reluctantly captured for her.

After a week in Austin, we're at Scanner Emily's in Kansas City, Missouri, en route to New York. You can practically smell the burnout on our clothes-- or maybe that's the three-day-old B.O.

Either way, we're exhausted for a 12+ hour drive through most of the state of Texas, all of Oklahoma and Kansas, and finally a quick hop over the Missouri border into Kansas City. Amazingly, Emily drove every inch of the way, including several stretches without the coffee IV in her arm. Along the way, we listened back to all the free music we'd obtained-- and here's what we discovered...

To me, at least, these were the five best acts and/or shows we stood through during Austin's South By Southwest 2009 Music Conference.

Richard Swift - we had just arrived at the Bust Party when this up-and-coming crooner/rocker took the stage at the Mohawk. We all planned to hit the bar and clean them out of Lone Star and/or Shiner Bock when Swift kicked into high gear. (Watch a song from his performance here.) Speaking for myself, I forgot my original first priority and the fact that Bishop Allen were playing next and just stood on the balcony, transfixed by the funky, sweet, and tightly-wound opening performance.

Harlem Shakes - We were at Maggie Mae's, thinking We Were Promised Jetpacks were playing. As the Jetpacks hit the stage, our first thought was, "Man, I think I had them confused with another band-- they're rockin', but something's different. A new lead singer?" It turned out, I had misread the Maggie Mae's poster and I was actually seeing Harlem Shakes, which I only realized after standing through the entire set, knowing I was seeing a true breakthrough performance. I'm glad I did.

M. Ward - Years ago, we saw M. Ward open for Cat Power at the Warsaw in Brooklyn. It was altogether-- and to this day-- the worst concert we've ever seen. Ward played a droning series of piano ballads and seemed lost. Chan came out later on and actually was lost-- wandering into a Jim Morrison-like abyss from which she finally emerged a few years later to become the great stage presence we heard through the hair in her face that night. So, it was with great reluctance that we attended BrooklynVegan's party headlined by Ward, lately of She & Him. Within seconds, we had realized two things: 1) Ward continues to distance himself from his audience and 2) the echo added to his vocals, the catchy new songs, and, most of all, the choice of acoustic guitar over piano made for a dramatic about-face from the 2003 (?) show in New York. Check out his latest record and the instantly catchy "For Beginners."

Ken Haddock - for most of the week, we enjoyed free lunches at Latitude 30's British Music Showcase. None of the performers we saw topped our first show-- that of a group of ragtag Belfast folkies hoping for their own little Once deals. Haddock was our favorite, and someone would be wise to cover his songs ASAP.

Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - I actually missed their show in the park, but Emily filled us in with some mp3s yesterday. The band, which isn't as (yet) popular as their tour mates Rilo Kiley, seem tighter and more focused than that other California band. Perhaps Thao isn't as distracted by solo projects as Jenny Lewis. Perhaps-- hate to say it-- their music is just better.

There were plenty of notable bands and memorable moments: our friends the Crystal Stilts... the surprise of seeing Dinosaur, Jr. for free at 1:30am at the Bust party... even saving Sylvain Sylvain's cell phone before he was to play with the New York Dolls. But those five artists mentioned above are the ones we came away with expecting we'll be bragging about for the next 12 months.

You should check out their music and do the same.

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Hot Naked Chicks

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Scanner Emily's Suitor

Found on the Road: Four-Flavored Condom?

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:28:00 GMT

I've been pretty much living in Planes, Trains and Automobiles for the past 36 or so hours. After waiting eleven hours in an airport yesterday, I rode a Greyhound for four hours to quite possibly also spend today in another airport. Anyway, one great thing about a bus ride? Truck stops! I love shopping at truck stops. And yesterday, while squatting over a disgusting toilet, I looked up to find the condom machine. Four flavored condoms for 75-cents? What a deal! I knew it was finally time to pop my condom-machine cherry. Unfortunately, it turns out it wasn't such a good deal after all.

Either it is one four-flavored condom (WTF?) or, more likely, it is one of four flavors. Will it be banana? Chocolate? Strawberry? Or mint (marijuana??)?

Only you can tell. FInish this sentence:

If I had a ____-flavored condom I'd ______________________ Fox News.

and send it to scanner@nerve.com. The best answer will be posted here and the winner will receive this mystery condom via the USPS. The Springfield, MO airport may not have fresh coffee or hot food but it has to have a post office. Right?

More goodies from my travels coming next week.

(For the very interested among you, I'm Tiwttering my misadventures. The less sleep I get—I'm working on four hours in three days—the better my Twats, it seems.)

Related:

Thirtysomething is the New Stupidsomething

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Condoms: Saving Lives 18,500 at a Time

Schoolgirl's Double Life as High-Payin' Ho Betrayed By Bag of Condoms

Life-Sized Barbie Dream House: I Want to Go to There

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

We give Barbie a lot of shit here at Scanner—for her tramp stamp, for being too skinny, for not acting her age and even for making a skeezy porno—but you know what? Fuck that. Barbie brought us a lot of joy back when we were wearing Kissing Coolers and thought that Sesame Street was our "soap opera." Yeah, maybe we'd give her spiky hair cuts and put crazy colors in her spiky platinum 'do with washable markers, but she still loved us and we loved her. And when we were growing up in a government-subsidized townhouse in the meth capitol of the world, you can bet your ass there was nowhere we'd rather have lived than Barbie's Dream House. So forgive us if we're a little too excited about the life-sized Barbie Dream House that opened in Shanghai on Friday.

The House of Barbie, a six-story, hot-pink shrine to the doll—who turns 50 today—boasts a chandelier made of blonde hair, a closet stocked with 100 pairs of pink patent-leather pumps and a kitchen that exists solely for the purpose of baking cupcakes.

Of course, this Barbietopia is also a retail location. And the China market is one reason Mattel chose Shanghai for the flagship store.

Here, dolls range in price from $10 to $200 — for a Barbie in a Vera Wang wedding dress. But is Barbie too blond, too expensive for the China market? At a Shanghai primary school, opinion is divided.

"She's really pretty," says Wang Yiqi, looking longingly at Barbie's pink frilly miniskirt. The 11-year-old is a marketer's dream: she recognizes the specially designed $35 Shanghai Barbie and can't wait to go to the store. Others aren't quite as positive.

"I've got one just like this at home," says 7-year-old Yang Fangchen, "and it only cost $3, and she has a set of extra clothing."

Mrs. Wu, who's picking up her granddaughter, is horrified to hear of the price. "People of my generation find that really expensive. It's definitely not worth it."

In China, Barbie's world is likely to be full of impersonators. Xu Quanning, secretary general of the Shanghai Toy Trade Association, says that Barbie look-alikes for just $1 or $2 were far outselling the real doll.

But don't worry, there is no mass-market Chinese Barbie at the House of Barbie, though Mattell created a special doll which their calling "a pan-Asian likeness" (above right) for the store's opening.

[NPR: Mattel Hopes Shanghai Is A Barbie World]

Related:

The Real Story Behind Barbie... And The Truth About That Ken Dude

Video of the Day: Barbie and Ken (and Some Guy) Make a Porno

Video of the Day: Cougar Barbie

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

Video of the Day: Lithuanian Barbie Girls

When You Care Enough to Give Your Dog $1,300 Fake Testicles (During a Recession)

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:17:00 GMT

“You would assume that with people losing their homes and jobs, the last thing on their mind is buying a pair of fake testicles for their pets."

You can say that again, Gregg Miller.

Miller is the founder of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles, a Kansas City, MO-based company that manufactures testicular implants for your four-legged friends. And by four legged friends, we mean dogs, cats, bulls, really "any pet that is neutered."

Um, why? To make your pet feel like a male again, of course. Or continue to feel like a male. According to the ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles website, the prosthetic balls should be implanted when the real ones are taken out, but in most cases, can be put in years later. You know, if your dog lost that special something since you took away his manhood.

Funny, right? Well, apparently more than 250,000 pets around the world are carrying around a set, and according to Miller, sales of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles have been steady since the recession began. “Folks in California love their pets and are trendsetters," Miller said. "They’d do anything for them, no matter what the economy is doing.”

Oh, Southern California. Riiight.

[Bloomberg via Jossip]

Related:

There's A New Testicle Eating Champion...

**While You Were Sleeping: All Kinds Of Sh*t Went Down, No One Was Injured**

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

Rubber Junk -- THAT Kind of Junk -- Under Attack in Virginia

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My Deflowered Memoir Is Not So Flower-y

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:11:00 GMT

I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. It was less than spectacular.

That is the abridged version of my deflowering. If I were to tell you the longer vesion I might include the part where I left thinking "wasn't that supposed to hurt?"

If I were to write the longer version, I might also submit it to Deflowered Memoirs, a new website (and hopefully book) that shares women's stories of their first times.

Because I was sick with nerves, I wanted to treat him like a sex deliveryman who had come to quickly perform a service…to rid me of this stupid embarrassing leftover of babyhood. Then, he could be off to his next sad and pathetically old virgin client. Unfortunately, he wanted to eat before we got started. So, we went to the local Tasty Freeze, just like "Jack and Diane" of John Mellencamp's teen love anthem, which retrospectively seems ironically appropriate. Energized by burgers and fries, we headed back to my apartment, where I nervously attempted small talk. Thankfully, Mike grew impatient quickly. He clumsily lifted me mid-sentence, pushed me hard against the nearest wall, and shoved his tongue down my throat. "It's beginning" I thought with relief as he carried me to my room, threw me on the bed, disrobed me and deflowered me. There was no pain, no blood. I even had an orgasm thanks to his "cunning linguistics." About five minutes in to the experience I thought, “this is so not a big deal. What the fuck was I worried about?” Nevertheless, when it was over, I prayed for him to leave. I didn't want to be bothered with a post-coital intimacy that didn't exist. Thankfully, he did; and I quickly called Jackie to tell her all about the experience. Then, I made a list of other boys I wanted to "hang out" with now that the virginity monkey was off my back. But, before moving on to that list, I decided to travel north to Indianapolis to perfect my skills with Mike the following weekend…and the weekend after that, and the one after that…and then all hell broke loose...and I realized that perhaps sex wasn't as perfectly simple as I wanted it to be.

That's an excerpt from creator Abby Kincaid's memoir. But it sure does sound a lot like ours.

[Deflowered Memoirs]

Related:

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Virginity Auction: Now How Much Would You Pay?

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

We're Just Not That Into... The Outdoor Lovemap

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:28:00 GMT

The Outdoor Lovemap is the "international guide to places to make love outdoors." Unfortunately, "international" does not equal "ultimate." While it's a good idea in theory, it's a little, uh, sparse. When we typed in our zip code, the closest result was the St. Louis Zoo, which is, like, 250 miles away. But we can think of plenty of beautiful outdoor spaces within walking distance where we could make sexy time. We'll stick with the map that at least helps us find someone to hook up with and take care of finding a place to do it on our own.

Related:

What's (Er Who's) Going Down In Your Hood?

Teenage Sexual Awakening Via Google Maps and Polaroids

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Life Imitates Art, Minus the Thong

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:15:00 GMT

Scanner Emily here. One of my conditions for moving back to Kansas City was that I would not become a fat Midwesterner (others involved not getting knocked up or becoming addicted to meth). To make sure that didn't happen, I signed up for Boot Camp—three very early mornings a week I work out very hard while a very small woman yells very loudly. She also plays music, generally a mix of 80's, 90's and a bunch of super-contemporary stuff I've never heard. But imagine my excitement when this song came on today—while I was working out!

No one else in the class could understand why I worked out a lot harder while this played.

Related:

Video of the Day: sexyATTACK

Having a Healthy Vagina Does Not Involve Exercise

Fatties: Get Up, Get Out So You Can Still Get it Up

"Men's Health" is All About Getting Dudes Laid, Safely

Hey Fellas: Let Me See That Trowel Roll!

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

So Lap Dances Aren't Acceptable at High School Basketball Games?

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 20:13:00 GMT

When I was on the dance team in high school—the aptly named Fort Osage "Indianettes"—I was given the nickname "PT" for pelvic thrust(er). According to my fellow dancers, I couldn't even perform the fight song without a little extra pump from my rump.

Apparently it was nothing compared a dance routine performed at Jonesboro High School in Georgia.

After a recent performance by the school's dance team, all dance, cheerleading and band members in the school district must have their routines approved by an administrator and the dance team has been disbanded. Its coach has been removed as well.

Heh. We bet the principal got a boner.

Related:

Woman Steals Daughter's Identity to Become a High School Cheerleader

Nude High School Cheerleader Scandal is Disturbing for a Few Reasons

Want Revenge On Your Old High School?

Dare to Dream, Girls: High School Offers Pole Dance Demo

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Why Didn't We Think of That?: The Sex and Violence Shop

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:49:00 GMT

Kansas Citians may be shy about sex, but anyone who's ever watched an episode of C.O.P.S. can tell you we have no shame when it comes to violence. (Remember the guy who bludgeoned a rare seagull while vacationing in California?) Now the geniuses at K.C.'s Erotic City have found a way to lure unsuspecting locals into their oh-so-scandalous sex shop.

The store has started selling weapons!

A rogue reporter for the local alt-weekly recently paid a visit to Erotic City:

"It turns out the rumors are true. Immediately upon entering the shop, there's a glass case full of swords, hunting knives, nunchucks (we think), and what looks like a scythe with a really short handle. Damn. There's also a rifle that fires far less deadly little plastic pellets. This is all separate from the dildos and rubber vaginas."

It's also separate from the fake pee.

Classy!

[Plog: Erotic City sells silent death]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Woman Attacked With Ghetto-Ass Dildo

But Do You Know the Plural of "Clitoris?"

Emily Farris — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 14:14:00 GMT

Yesterday we shamefully admitted that we weren't so sure how to pluralize "penis." We surmised that this was because we've never dealt with more than one at a time. Some of you chastised us for not having taken Latin (really? WTF?) but most of you sympathized.

Last night, however, a friend asked "but do you know the plural of clitoris?" We thought we did, but we were so, so wrong.

Without using Google or a dictionary, take our multiple-choice quiz after the jump.

We're taking the rest of the day off to visit meth labs thrift stores in Independence, MO with Scanner Barb (otherwise known as Scanner Emily's mom). We'll reveal the answer tomorrow. No posting it in the comments section, jerks!

Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

Scanner Bryan Apparently Knows Nothing About the Female Body

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Blog for Choice Today

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 17:53:00 GMT

Today is the 36th Anniversary of Roe v. Wade and NARAL's National Blog for Choice Day. If you'll recall, last year on this day we blogged about our own experience with choice and this year, NARAL is asking participants to blog about their top pro-choice hope for President Obama and/or the new Congress.

See what Scanner Brian and Scanner Emily had to say after the jump and learn how to sign up.

Scanner Brian: "For the first time in Gonzales versus Carhart," Obama said, "the Supreme Court held—upheld a federal ban on abortions with criminal penalties for doctors. For the first time, the Court's endorsed an abortion restriction without an exception for women's health. The decision presumed that the health of women is best protected by the Court—not by doctors and not by the woman herself. That presumption is wrong."

My hope is that Obama rescinds these restrictions. There is no way you can justify saying that abortion is bad AND a mother should still have the baby even if her life is in danger.

Scanner Emily: I hope that today Obama reverses the "Global Gag Rule," that tomorrow he talks about it using the term "anti-choice" and that going forward he encourages Congress to lift restrictions on female reproductive care for women who have Federally-provided health care. And that's just the beginning. When I lived in New York, my "girl parts" were insured by the state. My girl parts should be insured by every state. Unfortunately, I now live in a state that, like my father, would rather just ignore the fact that I have a vagina.

Add your blog to the Blog for Choice Blogroll.

Related:

Roe v. Wade 35 Years Later

My Obama, My Choice

Abortion Issue Heats Up... For The GOP

Send Flowers to Your Abortion Doctor

Scanner Roundtable: What Are You Doing to Celebrate?

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

So today is pretty much the biggest day in all our lives (except for falling in love and having babies and all of those other things other people do). What are you doing to commemorate it?

Over the weekend, Scanner Sister and I went to an "Inaugural Ball" at a local bar and grill. And tonight I'm having people over for a Ball/Potluck. Everyone has to wear either formal attire or dress like an iconic American. I'm DVR'ing CNN and CSPAN all day so we can watch everything all over again tonight. I even got a fancy Nancy Reagan-like vintage gown to wear. I might wear with cowboy boots.

How will you celebrate?

(And are you staying home all day to catch all the festivities on CNN/CSPAN?)

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Kansas Citians like to eat. Case in point:

A Kansas City man and his wife were enjoying some ice cream during their Laguna Beach vacation, when, according to the man, two gulls attacked the couple by knocking their ice cream to the ground and then peck, peck, peck, peck, pecking at the man. He said he had no choice but to defend himself against the birds by picking up a stick and beating the fucking life out of them. Well, one of them. The other bird flew off into the sea and hasn't been found. (Read: it flew into the sea to die).

While the loss of any life is, of course, sad, they're just seagulls, right? Right? Nope. Those weren't just any birds the man bludgeoned.

They were, apparently, of a rare breed and now the man, Dragan Djuric, is facing animal cruelty charges.

"That's right," said a Laguna Beach police officer. "He was very upset about spending money for ice cream he didn't get to consume."

Kansas City! Fuck yeah!

In the man's defense, the local Audubon Society said the gulls were a very aggressive breed.

Watch this local reporter re-enact the entire thing while holding onto the weapon, which is still sporting the evidence tag.

[CBS2 via Plog]

Related:

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

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Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

Of course I did. Of course I did. Of course I did. While you check out the list (after the jump) to find out where your city ranks, I'm going to head over to Petfinder.com to see about getting a few more cats.

Worst Cities for Dating

   1. Kansas City, MO
   2. Wichita, KS
   3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
   4. Detroit, MI
   5. Louisville, KY
   6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
   7. Atlanta, GA
   8. Pittsburgh, PA
   9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC

Best Cities for Dating

   1. Austin, TX
   2. Colorado Springs, CO
   3. San Diego, CA
   4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
   5. Seattle, WA
   6. Charleston, SC
   7. Norfolk, VA
   8. Ann Arbor, MI
   9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI

A glimmer of hope: It should be noted, and noted yet again, that this study was conducted in conjunction with AXE Body Spray (from the Methodology: "AXE, known coast-to-coast for their dating game expertise...").

Again, if you know any nice bearded men, please send them to Scanner Emily c/o Kansas City, MO.

[Via Plog]

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Hey Dudes, Please Think Twice Before Busting Out the Axe Body Spray and Thong

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

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So, exactly how much Visine would it take to kill one's husband?

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:59:00 GMT

Who ever said there's nothing happening in Missouri?

A woman just a couple hundred miles south of Scanner HQ is sitting in the big house after trying to kill her husband... with Visine!

Tonia Peterson is accused of trying to kill her husband, Cecil Peterson, by spiking his tea with Visine eye drops.

The article leaves many unanswered questions. We'll call Scanner Dad, who also lives in Southwestern Missouri, to see if he maybe knows the guy.

We just wish Tonia was using Clear Eyes so we could have run a picture of Ben Stein.

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Michigan Backs Teen Pregnancy and the Spread of STDs with $1.4M Grant

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 16:41:00 GMT

Michigan, Michigan, Michigan. What the hell is up? You went blue in the election (of course Missouri went red while electing a Democratic governor, so what does that really tell us?). You're pretty cool with Detroit and all. But what the fuck is up with the Michigan Department of Community Health giving out $1.4 million dollars in grants to fund abstinence-only education? Don't you have, like, homeless people to feed? Or school music programs to keep alive? Do you know how many condoms you could buy with that money? Oh, right. Silly us. Who needs condoms when you will be totally successful in keeping kids from having sex before marriage?

"The grant programs are directed at youth ages 12-18 and parents of youth in that age group. Of the money, $875,000 will go to community groups and organizations, while an additional $542,000 will fund technical staffing and an abstinence-only public awareness campaign. Michigan spends $700,000 a year on other sexual health education programs.

“The Michigan Abstinence Program is geared to promote abstinence from sexual activity and other related risky behaviors,” said MDCH Director Janet Olszewski in a press release. “This funding will further help our communities and the abstinence program guide our youth away from risky activity.”

The problem, activists say, is abstinence-only education doesn’t work. According to numerous studies, abstinence only, which is an education model that teaches young people to abstain from sexual behavior, but not how to prevent sexual transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancies, does not work."

Where have we heard that before?

Oh, when we learned that abstinence-only education doesn't work. Or, if you didn't hear, abstinence-only education doesn't work. Hey, did you hear the one about abstinence-only education and how it doesn't work?

We'll see you at Planned Parenthood, young ladies of Michigan!

[Michigan Messenger: Michigan gives out $1.4 million in abstinence-only education grants]

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Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

It seems like just last year that we were doing this...

Highs:

Hey, apparently, we're going to get laid more this year. We hope. Please.

We discussed the pros and cons of oral sex, without you.

We took a few days off.

We learned that Scanner Brian has better hair than he used to.

Then he showed us some funny pictures.

And reminded us how creepy we can all be sometimes.

Speaking of funny pictures, we made a carrot feel a lot better about himself.

We contemplated time travel.

We were rated NC-17.

Lows:

We learned just what kind of crazy, obsessive society we live in.

We worried some famous people would die.

We didn't get everything we wanted for Christmas.

We looked back at the lessons learned last year.

We found yet another reason to be glad we left New York when we did.

Teachers continue to believe children are the future, show them all the beauty they posses inside.

We were disappointed by the updated "Joy of Sex."

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:22:00 GMT

So this is 2009. So far, so good. We're going to use the next few days to accidentally write "2008" on everything and take a look back at the year that was. You can expect the top 10 Scanner posts of 2008 on Monday. But first, as promised, Scanner Emily's top 10 lessons learned in 2008, including—unfortunately—a repeat from last year. Seriously, how many times must we humiliate ourselves online before learning that drinking and Facebook do not mix?

10. Even when you think you're eating sort-of maybe healthily, you're not, you fat fuck.

9. Everyone has daddy issues, okay?

8. Always, always, always back-up what's on your computer (not that we've actually gotten around to it yet).

7. You can always go home.

6. Don't fool yourself into thinking the only way to get The Herp at summer camp is by making out with a hot co-counselor in the art barn. It is not. (And If you have to make jokes about being the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world, you just might be.)

5. It is possible to attend the costume party of your dreams and actually have a blast. If you have not yet experienced this, keep the dream alive and don't throw away those ruffly bloomers you've been holding on to for just such an occasion.

4. Whiskey will not make you a better roller skater. Well, it won't make you better at stopping, anyway.

3. Yellow tights are super unflattering and will get you weird looks even in the Bellevue emergency room.

2. Never, ever try to use The Facebook on your phoneputer while totally shit-faced drunk. (Yes, we thought we learned this one in 2007.)

1. If your ex-boyfriend asks if he can write an article about you for the local alternative weekly, say no.

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Are Too Few Baby Boys Being Circumcised?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:29:00 GMT

According to new research, the number of baby boys being circumcised in the U.S. is dropping. While critics of circumcision may think this is a good thing, the reason behind the drop may not be.

Circumcision rates have decreased significantly since the 1980s, partially due to the fact that many people find the procedure cruel and unnecessary, but in part the drop can be attributed to the fact that 16 states do not currently cover the cost of a circumcision in their Medicad programs. According to some, this is taking the choice away from the poor.

Robert C. Bailey, a professor of epidemiology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, thinks that "It's another way in which our health system is increasing inequality across the population. People who can't afford good health care are essentially being discriminated against by this policy."

The states that don't cover circumcision are: Arizona, California, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, Utah and Washington and circumcision rates are "significantly lower" in those states, according to the research.

[US News & World Report: Circumcision Rates Too Low]

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TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:55:00 GMT

After multiple anxiety attacks, two attempts at selling my shit on the street (hey, I made $273!) and lots of heavy drinking that led to a few teary goodbyes, the time has come for me to make the move to Kansas City. So I'll be offline for the next few business days.

I still have to pack up my massive vintage Pyrex collection and get the swing out of the closet before my dad flies up on Friday. After what I predict will be an ill-fated trip to IKEA we're going to pack up the truck and ride off into the sunset, er snowstorm, early Saturday. Considering Dave gets grumpy easily and has a soft spot for (and not-so-soft belly because of ) road-side food and Rolling Rock, we'll probably make it a three-day trip—keeping me offline until Tuesday.

I've enlisted Scanner Nicole to blog a little while I'm away, and as always, you will be blessed with the blog stylings of Brian, Colleen, Matt and Verena. Be nice to them. Or I will cut you.

I'll be back Tuesday, beginning my official tenure as The Scanner Blogger from Kasnas City. I'll try not to get knocked-up or addicted to meth by then.

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When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:20:00 GMT

When I moved to New York eight-and-a-half years ago, I came in a U-Haul packed full of junk, including wicker furniture, a Laura Ashley bedspread and a milk crate of CDs that, at the time, I thought were pretty cool.

While the wicker furniture was put out on the street years ago, I haven't been able to part with the CDs. I have lugged that damn crate to eight different apartments because I couldn't bring myself to part with the music of my youth—which in retrospect mostly sucks, and not even in an ironic way (the first CD I ever purchased was the soundtrack to the Adams' Family Movie).

Now that I'm moving back to Missouri, however, and am determined to not be the girl I was determined not to be when I left, I decided it was finally time to let the music (and some muzak if we're being honest here) go. I figured the stoop sale I was having on Saturday was the perfect excuse.

As I put the Dixie Chicks, Master P (which I still like, but it's a little scratched up) and Wilson Phillips in the box labeled "The Most Embarrassing CD Collection Ever, $0.25–$2.00," I came across a loose, teal CD. It was "2 Become 1" by the Spice Girls. I started holding onto it when I was 15 or so, because I wanted to lose my virginity during that song... in a clean bedroom full of candles. I did not have a clean bedroom. Or a large collection of candles. And I sure as hell didn't lose my virginity to the tune of the Spice Girls.

I don't even think there was any music playing.

The short version of the story is that I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet when I was 17. The less short version is that I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. I really don't remember much more about it. It was less than spectacular.

That was a few months before I moved to New York. I held onto the CD thinking that sex had to be better than that—that someday 2 would become 1 and it would be spectacular.

Over the years I lost the case. The CD got moved a lot, never played.

Saturday I put it in the 25-cent box at the stoop sale. At the end of the day it was still there. I looked at the back. It was totally scratched up and even a little cracked. [Insert tortured metaphor here.]

I never realized that the Spice Girls are practically having sex with New York City in that video. Good thing I still have the CD and 12 days left in Brooklyn.

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Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 17:19:00 GMT

The mayor of our former and future hometown of Kansas City, MO filed a lawsuit against the city after the City Council banished his wife from City Hall.

Mayor Mark Funkhouser (yes, his campaign ads included "We Want the Funk") says he works better with his wife by his side. And since she's been banned from City Hall, several days a week Funkhouser works from his three-bedroom house.

Is this a tale of true love or creepy codependency?

After Gloria Squitiro successfully ran her husband's mayoral campaign she took a desk nearest his office at City Hall. But after a former mayoral assistant filed a lawsuit that accused Ms. Squitiro, Mayor Funkhouser and the city of creating a "hostile work environment" the City Council passed an ordinance stipulating that elected officials could no longer have relatives working as volunteers in their offices on a regular basis, according to the Wall Street Journal.

"It is bizarre, in a word, for the mayor to sue his own city," says Ed Ford, a member of the city council. "He seems to be saying there's one overriding issue that I care about more than anything else, and that is my ability to spend time with my wife at City Hall."

"It's a classic love story," says Garry Cushinberry, a bank vice president who sat at the mayor's table at an awards dinner Nov. 14. "He's risking his political career for the woman he loves. You have to respect that."

While Funkhouser and his wife have made more than a few rookie mistakes, politically (and this seems to be one of them) we can't help but focus on "a Christmas letter the couple mailed last year to about 100 friends in which Ms. Squitiro described her husband's prostate exam, which she sat in on, at his doctor's office. The letter, excerpted on the Internet, got national publicity."

[WSJ: Kansas City Gives Mayor's Helpmate the Heave-Ho From City Hall]

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

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Woman Kills Rapist With Shotgun Blast Through Her Front Door

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:53:00 GMT

Now, you must be asking yourselves, how did she know he was a rapist if she blasted him as he's merely coming through the front door? Couldn't he have been a burglar or Robert Downey, Jr., searching for her daughter's bed?

Turns out the woman, a 57-year-old resident of St. Louis, Missouri, knew it was the same man who had raped her just a few short days earlier. The man, who was killed with a single shotgun blast, was 47-year-old Ronnie W. Preyer, a convicted sex offender, and identified at the scene by his victim has having, indeed, been the right man. Turns out, it was a simple repetition of tactics that gave him away: Preyer had broken her window to get her to come out of the house the night he raped her; when, after 2:00am on the night he was killed, he broke the very same window, the woman knew it had to be the same guy coming back for more.

She grabbed her shotgun and waited in the doorway. And it was Preyer's own fault he was killed-- if he hadn't turned off the electricity, the prey would have been able to call 9-1-1 and perhaps scare him off by loudly informing him the police were on the way. Instead, Preyer crashed through the locked front door and the victim had no choice but to blow him away.

Of course, the victim will not be charged, while the dead man's grave is being spit on (figuratively, of course) in the St. Louis Post-Dispatches' comment section following the story.

Good for her. He got what he deserved.
Why would he even go back for her again? What an idiot. Oh well, that's besides the point.GOOD FOR HER! Preyer deserved to be shot and should be thankful she didn't shoot him right in his(you know what). His last name even being,"Preyer" is a coincidence to me considering he preyed on this poor lady.
I'm glad it took several hours for him to die. He needed to suffer after what he did to that women. And who says we need gun control?

It's hard to argue with that. To think she may have been raped a second time is too much to even think about...

Via the Dispatch.

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Get Up, Get Out and Do Something

Emily Farris — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:05:00 GMT

Here's the dilly-o: It's election day. I'm in Missouri. Do you think I'm really going to sit in front of my computer and write about Britney Spears' vagina and Pete Wentz's penis? Fuck no. I'm going to hit the pavement in my homestate (and possibly soon to be home) of Missouri for Obama. Scanner Brian has a live thread going, at least until the Secret Service detains him, and I'll try to call in a few updates from the ground in Missouri. Needless to say, Scanner is going to be Scanner lite today. But you're probably not even sitting in front of your computer. You're calling your friends in swing states, making sure they'll vote, or maybe you're watching porn on VHS or DVD to remind yourself of a time when we had a Democratic president.

Whatever you do, get off your ass and vote. And then find someone to have victory sex with.

May We Introduce You To Your Newest Time Suck?

Emily Farris — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 14:31:00 GMT

We've wasted away our lives with plenty of Internet time sucks in our day (Slingo, eBay, Facebook, Scrabulous), and now we've found yet another thing to keep us from living in the real world: geography games.

This particular game is like the state shape puzzles we played in the third grade, and proved to us that we needed a refresher.

We recommend starting with "States" at level 3, but any old game will do. We're slightly ashamed of our first attempt. Eighty-four percent is not so admirable, but we accidentally dropped Michigan on top of Montana, and if you're just a centimeter or two off when you first lay down those Western states, you're in trouble.

Tip: Missouri is bordered by eight states.

[USA Geography Map Game]

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