Scanner : misogynist

Today in WTF: Burying Fetishes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:50:00 GMT

Have you ever heard of a burial fetish? You have now... and you're about to discover more about it than you ever wanted to...

Readers alerted us to a website for an independent film production company in Massachusetts that churns out "Damsel in Distress" videos, often featured bound-and-gagged women laying on train tracks or-- and this is what caught our attention-- buried up to their necks in dirt and mud.

For their troubles, these "actresses" are paid the following wages:

So, if you just want to do a simple feature, sinking up to the neck (and likely getting rescued!!), you would receive $25 for the feature, for about 60-70 minutes of your time. We supply all the clothing you need, except for what you wear underneath (we recommend a simple bathing suit--one that you don’t mind getting dirty).

If you want to do a full submergence sinking (your head goes completely under), you will receive $50 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Again, we supply the clothing, except what you wear underneath--again, we recommend that you bring your own bathing suit.

Should you wish to bring your own outfit for the video shoot, we'll pay $10 extra to cover your cleaning. Outfits would have to be either a skirt with a top, or a dress, plus your own shoes (no sneakers). Lingerie is also possible, but no pants. We're assuming you have outfits you don't really wear anymore that would get tossed anyways. So, you will receive $35 for sinking up to your neck and bringing your own outfit.

Finally, if you want to wear your own clothes, and go completely under, then you would receive $60 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Note that, for some of the story lines (for instance, the ruthless queen of an Egyptian Pharoah, who meets her deserving end in the shifting sands of the desert) will require special costumes--which we will provide for you. We would not expect any actress to have this type of attire.

This film company is catering to a market that includes visitors to... well. Actually, we couldn't find any "burying fetish" websites. Perhaps someone could explain to us how this is just a harmless "fetish" and that there's no reason to freak out over people getting off on burying terrified women "up to their necks."

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Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:37:00 GMT

Is this beer offensive, stupid, or stupid and offensive? Or so harmless and "charming" it's worth drinkin'?

Not safe for work photo below... if you can spot it.

This so-called "low carb" Australian beer has just been released to a salivating media market. The three dudes involved in its creation claim their "healthy" brew will take the country's drinking scene by storm...

...thanks to their nudity gimmick, of course. As the drinker consumes their beer, the "Skinny Blonde's" bikini gradually disappears, revealing her boobers. Interestingly, their website almost never mentions the concept:

100% Preservative Free
Skinny Blonde contains no preservatives, chemical additives or animal products whatsoever so its OK for vegans.
100% Australian
Unlike most beers brewed in Australia Skinny Blonde is 100% Australian owned and operated.
100% Beer
Skinny Blonde is 5.2% alc/vol, low-carb and as tasty as its name sake.

But the Times does.

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"Why Does Steam Come Out of My Vagina?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:31:00 GMT

We were weighing another post about how eHow and Yahoo! Answers, among other hideous examples of free speech, are proving America is the dumbest and most unintentionally hilariously country in the United States, when this one question on our second least-favorite internet search engine became the web's top story of the day.

The "answers," while crude and downright offensive, are perhaps inevitable. It's all about setting up comedians for the punchline... if you do it well, you get a neat lil' joke. If you're asking for trouble, well... here's what you get:

Next time this happens, place a ceramic cup with 1 spoon of Nescafe Gold Blend, 2 sugars and a dash of milk between your legs.
Bon Apetite!

You won't die, but some ancient cultures believe in a pillow monster that lives in your vagina. This isnt acknowledged in modern medicine, however, the steam could be caused be the troll exhaling.

I think this means the pasta is done.

Unfortunately, your vagina is releasing harmful greenhouse gases that are contributing to global warming. I suggest that you capture the steam using a plastic bag or else you can cause a global catastrophe.

Does it smoke? Seriously, I have seen strippers perform this very trick. Perhaps after getting checked out, if there is nothing wrong, you might consider taking your act on the road.

As you might have guessed, every single one of these above comments were made by males (none of whom have avatars, let alone names or photos so we can shame them.) Unfortunately, though, the female responses were no better, ranging from the incoherent to "oh my God, better let a doctor take a look at you." It's called a gynecologist and they are available by appointment.

Now, the poor girl is talk, if not quite the toast-- of the internet, with inappropriate jokes made at her expense on everything from DListed to BuzzFeed. We'll pass-- these things just write themselves...

Via Yahoo!

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Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:44:00 GMT

These scenes for your frantic Friday are not of the S&M or Basic Instinct or even Secretary variety (that's a whole 'nother list.) Sometimes, you've had a really epic and soul-crushing workweek and you don't have time to warm up.

As those recent and soon-to-be-disproved surveys say, there's no need for foreplay anymore...

5. The Life of David Gale. Was it just us or was this Kevin Spacey-Kate Winslet movie a triumph of wasting our complete fucking time? Nope, we weren't the only ones-- the movie hovers around a 20% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes-- oh, and Richard Roeper gave it thumbs up, so that's all the evidence we need. And, frankly, we don't even remember this sex scene being in the film, which has to stand for something.

4. True Blood. Hey, we didn't claim these were all from the movies anymore. Besides, this show is more softcore porn flick than any turgid rated-R crapburger we've sat through this year... so, once again... that's gotta count for something. And bonafide Academy Award-winning actress Anna Paquin is featured-- so... there's that.

3. The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) - We include this scene because, in a rare move for misogynist Hollywood, a woman is seen to be "leading" and "directing" the sex. Note that Jessica Lange demands that Jack Nicholson wait until she clears the table, then orders him to get down to business. Furthermore, she doesn't enjoy being on the bottom, so Jack will just have to make do with her on top. That's more like it, Tinseltown.

2. Crash (1996) - You've probably seen the Rosanna Arquette-James Spader scene... and the Deborah Unger-Elias Koteas-while-James-Spader watches sex scenes. But unless you've seen Crash, the 1996 David Cronenberg film and not to be mistaken for that flaming piece of tripe from a few years ago, you probably didn't even know about the Holly Hunter-James Spader scene. My God, how was this NC-17 release not banned from theaters and burned by the conservative movement?

1. A History of Violence - We were hoping to find a frantic Hollywood sex scene that doesn't involve a man doing something violent to initiate sex, but gave up after several hours. (Just kidding-- you think we have that kind of time?) Seriously, please recommend a few movies where we can see women being portrayed as normal, sexual beings who can initiate sex without repercussions. In other words, no slasher films.

Honorable Mention: Love in the 21st Century

Sex Scene From The Show Love In The 21st Century

Also, we deliberately left out the Basic Instinct scene with Jeanne Tripplehorn because it's a borderline rape scene. So, for all of you who were about to write in to chide us for the oversight... "Ha! And you thought the ice pick death scene that opens the film would be here. This is somehow rougher... and Jeanne Tripplehorn is so much hotter than Sharon Stone, don't ya think? She has those incredible lips and an innocent Marilyn Monroe pout. We kind of wish she gets to do a movie where she leads the roughhousing and isn't sexually exploited like she is here. Okay?"

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Your Daily Dose of Sexism...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 15:50:00 GMT

What are these women going on about? According to Guilia in Italy:

It's an ad for a body lotion that supposedly lifts your tits. The two women are asked their age (one is in her twenties, the other in her thirties), occupation, whether they're wearing a bra ("Of course not!") and whether they've had surgery ("Are you out of your mind?"). And then the interviewer decides to "test" the virtues of the miracle concoction.

Welcome to Italy, where the misogynists run free. If women even tried to complain, we'd be told we're humourless.

They claim a body lotion enhances your bust? Don't they have the equivalent of an FDA there? I mean, can you imagine what American commericals would be like if companies were allowed to say whatever they like, such as "Will.i.am is this generation's Bob Dylan!"

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Gonzo Porn Director Slapped With 4 Years In Prison By Un-American Tampa Court

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 16:46:00 GMT

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
- from The Friends of Voltaire by Evelyn Beatrice Hall, 1906

The US District Court in Tampa, Florida appears to have forgotten the lessons of the above quote, Lenny Bruce, and the First Amendment to the United States Constitution: on Friday, they sentenced the disgusting, misogynistic, violent, and downright horrible pornographer Max Hardcore (real name Paul Little) to a three years and ten months in prison, a case of gross injustice if there ever was one. The stock market crashes, we may actually elect McCain-Palin, and the national debt is soaring, but the real problem here is our inability to see how all this is leading to a degradation in our collective sanity...

Let's look at the facts: Paul Little made sickening, perverted, and borderline child-porn films featuring women being pissed and puked on, for starters. (No, let's stop there, it doesn't improve from there.) The point isn't what he did-- it's what he didn't do. He didn't do anything that invalidates his First Amendment rights to free speech. He didn't rape children or even film children naked. He was convicted of obscenity, which, if we're not mistaken, is basically the same charges that drove Lenny Bruce to his doom. And would anyone today deny Lenny Bruce's routines were protected speech?

As Slate put it:

“So, to recap, in the Land of the Free: if you’re an adult who produces a film using other consenting adults, for the entertainment of still other consenting adults, which merely depicts fictional acts of humiliation and degradation, the DOJ will prosecute you and send you to prison for years."

There's another issue here: why was a California resident, who does his business solely within the state, prosecuted in Florida? Most believe it's because local law in Florida is less kind to the porn people, making it easier to charge and convict Little. (We have yet to hear another rational explanation for the trial's venue.) Of course, we're sure Little will appeal this to the highest levels, although by the time it gets there, we may have a McCain-Palin Supreme Court passing judgment on morality and the Constitution...

Read more here. Thanks to Jeff for the link. UPDATED: For some reason, the quote at the top was deleted after the jump...

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Scanner Highs And Lows: Sweden Or Sexism?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Scanner was inundated with bad craziness, sexism, hedonism, and Sweden-ism this week... and you enjoyed every minute of it, sweetness...

HIGHS:

We learned that Swedish girls like to have sex with each other. See also above.

We applauded a boy in Sweden who got revenge on perverts by ripping them off and getting busted for it.

We found a great handjob. Unfortunately, it does not involve Swedes.

We talked about hot Olympians, then we stared at one of them naked. (For the last time, no, she is not from Sweden.)

We found an excuse to use our favorite photo of Amanda Peet. Although it can't top this one of Eva Mendes.

Robert Downey, Jr., we learned, is a very patient mofo.

Meet us in St. Louis next year.

LOWS:

A sex blogger got busted for sex writing on her sex site. We cringed, then we shivered, and finally we changed our names and went underground.

Jim Beam's ad featuring ogled Swedish girls was banned in Australia. Good riddance.

We found this list of 10 Songs To Strip To sorely lacking. (There's an STD joke here, but we're out of time...)

John Edwards admitted he has no chance of being Vice President now.

We never found out who looks best in a bikini, but that's okay, we have friends outside of here.

And mutiny and chaos descended on Scanner over this post.

Sony Video Game To Feminists: "Let Them Eat Cake" (Literally)

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:59:00 GMT

Sony apparently forgot that there are, surprise, women who play video games. More importantly, they forgot that feminists play video games and can raise a big stink on the interblogs if they they think your game is unfunny, sexist, and more out of touch than George W. Bush...

Fat Princess is a capture-the-flag game with a twist: you can thwart capture attempts by locking the once-thin princess in a dungeon and stuffing her full of cake, thereby increasing her girth and making her harder for your enemies to haul back to home base.

The ladyblogs had trouble deciding what to attack first...

Melissa McEwan of Shakesville writes: "Congrats on your awesome new game, Sony. I'm positively thrilled to see such unyielding dedication to creating a new generation of fat-hating, heteronormative assholes."

Zing! Wait, what does that mean?

Feminist Gamer's "Mighty Ponygirl" suggests a simple gameplay switcheroo would solve the problem (and change the title). "Instead of running out into the forest to find cake to fatten up the princess with, why not go out and find gold (which is a lot heavier than cake) to stuff into a treasure chest," she says, adding, "The more gold in the chest, the heavier it would be, and the harder it would be to carry."

That's a great idea! Then again, Sony isn't interested in having their video games make sense or insulting fewer than half the population of the world. Nope, they just say "let those feminists eat cake-- literally." And male gamers are apparently backing them up-- check out the comments on Joystiq:

Fat women would be better served by getting up and exercising and eating less. They would have more energy, better self image and feel more confident. They might find a boyfriend, even perhaps, love. But you know, its like hard to do that stuff, and its easy to complain on the internet!
Women will cry about anything.
They are piss because they lack a penis.
If it were "Fat Prince" and you had to carry an obese dude around nobody would care. Except maybe Prince.

However, a female commenter had a reaction similar to ours:

If anything, I think they're attacking the wrong concept. Who cares if she's fat or gets fed? It's way more offensive that the princess is treated as an object (in replacement of a flag) and helpless (she can't even move on her own) and unable to do anything about her situation (or refuse food). But I know that the designers weren't being pig-headed, they were just trying to be creative, and they succeeded.

There are far too many memorable (but not necessarily intelligent) comments to post here, so check out the original post.

Via Joystiq and Yahoo!

The Wit and Wisdom of John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 19:01:00 GMT

Your Friday funnies... a look back at the funniest things John McCain has ever said:

Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno. [1998]
"The nice thing about Alzheimer's is you get to hide your own Easter eggs." [1999]
"Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?'" [1986]
"The French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who is still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it," McCain told Fox News a few years ago.
...he — in jest — referred to a young man who asked about his age as "you little jerk," before telling him, "You're drafted." [2008]
McCain was also recently condemned by the government of Iran for suggesting that increasing U.S. cigarette sales to Iran could be "a way of killing 'em." [2008]
[Charlie Crist, on how much persistent McCain was] “Well, not that much,” Crist began answering. “It was just waterboarding,” McCain interjected. [2008]

Did we miss any? Well, no matter what, this guy has better comic timing than Bush... or Barack Obama. We're just not certain he's helping his campaign by weilding it...

Via Politico and various other sources.