Scanner : minnie driver

While You Were Sleeping: Minnie Driver Pops Out A Future Celebrity

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 13:46:00 GMT

It's primary day in some states, which means the phone sex lines are humming.

We'd like to think this idiot just failed in an attempt to get back at Oasis for all their pretentious snobbery, but he was probably just a drunken jackass who rushed the stage.

And you really, really need to see these photos of Anthony Bourdain in the prehistoric era known as the 1970s:

Amazing, right, that he still looks 30 years old at 16? Bourdain, ever a swell sport, writes a letter to the poster of these photographs:

Vengeance will be mine, Ruhlman. I have employed a most excellent and reputable firm of Venetian detectives who assure me that the photos of you--at the Kajagoogoo concert, 1986, will soon be in my hands.They tell me as well that that infommercial you made with Suzanne Sommers? Copies STILL exist.

My hopes for political office have been ruined, Ruhlman. And for this, you will pay a truly terrible price.

Any Jews out there? asks the town of Dothan, Alabama. No need to hide, the residents just want to talk to you... and offer you $50,000 for moving to the Bible Belt. Seriously. What could you lose?

Larry Blumberg is looking for a few good Jews to move to [Alabama.] Blumberg is chairman of an organization offering Jewish families as much as $50,000 to relocate to Dothan, an overwhelmingly Christian town of 58,000 that calls itself the Peanut Capital of the World. Get involved at Temple Emanu-El and stay at least five years, the group's leaders say, and the money doesn't have to be repaid.
More Jews are living in the South than ever — about 386,000 at last count in 2001... young Jews are leaving... in favor of cities like Atlanta and Birmingham, Rockoff said, and dozens of small-town synagogues have closed.

Basically, it's up to you. No pressure or anything.

Really, is there anything better than when Onion articles happen in real life? Then, today in Onion Come To Life: US Weekly spins off a highbrow version of its muckrag...

"Good Luck Sarah Palin" / "Death Race" were two sentences written back to back on an Alaskan movie theater marquee. Creepy...

And Minnie Driver gave birth to Henry Story Driver (she couldn't resist with the strange name, could she?) in LA. The instantly-famous little dude weighs nine pounds is infinitely cooler than us because he has a secret musician daddy, which we long ago revealed to be Eddie Izzard.

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Who Would You Rather, Celebrity Chef Edition Part II: Bourdain vs. Colicchio

Sloppy Seconds: Teenage Jon Bon Jovi Could Help You Score an Eighth

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:01:00 GMT

...which begs the obvious question... what were these knuckleheads doing actually watching the game?

Minnie Driver publicly thanked the biggest bunch of airheaded surfer dudes for their heroic efforts after video aired of the beach bums pounding some paparazzi into submission. The very pregnant Driver was trying to enjoy a day on the beach when privacy-invading photographers swept in with their long lenses. Check out the story and video, complete with full "don't photo me, bro" goodness.

There's a new movie playing in London about a boat orgy that ends when one guy hits a girl in the back of the head during sex and kills her. The title? "Donkey Punch," of course.

Is Grey's Anatomy going to kill off Katherine Heigel's character?

[S]taffers are considering giving her character, Dr. Izzie Stevens, a brain tumor.
“[Producer] Shonda [Rhimes] and the writers are pissed at her [for dissing them after she refused to be considered for an Emmy, saying the past season's material was terrible],” the source tells Us. “It’s their way of screwing with her. She won’t know whether she’s going to live or die.”

Wired is really hyping their cover story on Julia Allison-- we've seen three ads online for it just in the last day. Apparently the editors were unaware the rest of the media covered this story back in the 2006 era.

A man claims he found a seven-inch knife in his sandwich in a New York City Subway restaurant. We're not sure why he's complaining-- we've found far worse things in ours...

Saturday's Blue Jays game was apparently not Bobblehead Doll Day, as advertised, but rather Topless Blond In A Hotel Overlooking The Field Day. The Ottawa Sun, which broke the story, has a full rundown of other similar incidences at the Renaissance Inn:

May 1990
During a Blue Jays game, hotel security and police throw out a man who was seen masturbating behind a hotel room window that overlooked the baseball diamond. Police said the man thought he was behind a one-way window.
May 1990
A couple has sex in one of the 70 hotel rooms overlooking a ball game attended by 55,000 fans. The couple -- who apparently weren't aware they could be seen with the lights off -- were "mortified." The incident received media attention around the world, including five minutes on The Arsenio Hall Show.
The Jays lost.
May 1995
In front of 40,000 fans, a couple has sex in a chair right next to the window overlooking the field during the 7th inning of a Jays-Royals match. The couple were seen right above the then-Jumbotron (now the Rogers Centre videoboard).
The Jays lost.

And more at the Ottawa Sun website.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Finders Keepers, Finders Weepers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Oh, the things you'll learn!

HIGHS:

We found porn on Wikipedia.

We found a picture of a very sexy carrot.

We found out about... sommmmeeboddyy'sss birthdaaay!

We discovered a secret pantie run at ASU. Okay, it couldn't have been that secret if hundreds of Arizonians were ready with their cameras when it went down.

We uncovered the ancient art of the VHS tape.

We revealed the identity of Minnie Driver's baby daddy. And no, she's not "fucking Matt Damon."

We learned that homosexuality is a whopping 140 years old!

We began a new contest after finding one of the great dive bars.

LOWS:

We uncovered a Google Map pertaining to the sexual conquests of an individual unfortuantely named "Igor."

We found out that Grey's Anatomy is resorting to raunchy lesbian sex to keep its ratings up. Shame on them?

We discovered the Ugly Models Agency is not really all that bad. It makes us feel ugly, in fact.

Our eyes burned after learning about anal from Spencer Pratt.

We mourned the wonderful news of Scarlett Johansson's enagement.

IN-BETWEENS:

We learned the identity of the owner of a famous third nipple. Actually, everyone cheated by reading the name of the celebrity off the title of the photo. Whoops!

And we learned about America's most sexually satisfying cities. None of them are near us, damn it.

EXCLUSIVE: Scanner Reveals Minnie Driver's Baby Daddy

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 May 2008 19:12:00 GMT

For the first time. An exclusive. A world premiere event.

Minnie Driver, at six months pregnant and due this summer, has so far refused to reveal the name of her baby's father, but has dropped enough clues that our state of the art investigation network (i.e. Google) has cracked her secret code...

The only clues Driver will offer about the identity of her "baby daddy" are that he is English, and "sort of in the same business," and that they have evaded detection because "he's really busy, like me." [Independent UK]

Hmm... he is "sort of" in the same business... no, Danny Molder is taken, ruling out any possibility he could be on the other side of the camera. So, he's an actor. We rule out any other logical possibilities (like the fact that she's a musician as well, so he could be involved in music.)

"He is English." Ian McKellan? Impossible. Patrick Stewart? Nope. Blake Fielder-Civil? Unusual, but very probable. Seriously, she just narrowed it down to two people-- and Daniel Radcliffe was probably not even legal yet, so that rules him out. Nope, ladies and gentlemen, there is only one more remaining candidate... someone you all know and love... someone who is an admitted lesbian... well, a lesbian in the form of a straight man who wears drag and sleeps exclusively with women... someone who is so powerful and dangerous that Minnie Driver dare not speakest his name... the next British Prime Minister...

Yes, Eddie Izzard. We're pretty sure. Although if we're wrong, well just change this post and insert the correct male person's headshot here... or just paste it over Eddie's face. Either way, you heard it here first.

Eddie Izzard To Run For Parliament

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:33:00 GMT

It sounds like Eddie Izzard, the British comedian and star of FX's The Riches, will quit acting at the end of the show's run to launch a career in politics...

We're guessing that, based on his residency and outspoken nature, he'll run for Parliament.

Do you want to run for office?
Yeah. Don't you think I should?

Sure. Why not?
If you think I should and I think I should, then I should. I do like people and trying to make things work. We've got to make it work in Europe. People are very worried about sovereignty and the loss of sovereignty. I think the stakes are if we don't make the European Union work, then the world is screwed. End of story.

Do you have any big ideas for Europe?
Logical governance is the thing. It already exists. It's called subsidiarity, which is based on Catholic theology and is basically the idea that governance happens at its logical level.

Unfortunately, neither Barack Obama nor Hillary Clinton landed the big Eddie Izzard endorsement in the Newsweek piece. The comic simply says, "I want a Democrat to get in." (Ironically, it's the party's non-endorsement of one of the two candidates that will make it so much harder for a Democrat "to get in." Nonetheless, we're really looking forward to the "Stripped" tour, especially since we've never been a fan of his "Dress To Kill"/drag thing, as pictured above.)

Via Newsweek.