Scanner : men and women

New Bra Makes Your Boobs Look Bigger When You’re Turned On

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:34:00 GMT

A new bra being sold overseas claims that, thanks to memory foam and natural sweat, it can boost your bosom when you're getting in the mood.

As if you needed another reason for men to stare at your breasts...

The bra, being sold this summer in the range of 25 English pounds, is the work of the Lisca lingerie company, out of Slovenia. (They're apparently the largest manufacturer in Eastern Europe and once used Donald Trump's latest wife as their spokesmodel-- if that helps you decide.)

The magic bra detects changes in body temperature brought on by sexual arousement and squeezes boobs together to create a bigger cleavage.

They are also able to automatically adapt to different temperatures to provide women with the perfect fit no matter how nippy it gets.

Special expanding foam in the cups will loosen or tighten to adapt to the size of the wearer’s breasts as they get hotter.

“It’s healthier than an ordinary bra because it will always provide the perfect fit,” said a company spokesman.

While we find it hard to believe women will see the need to accentuate their cleavage at specific intervals, the comfort factor has got to be pretty high with these things, no?

Via the Sun.

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Believe It Or Not, One of the Best Sex Advice Columns is Brought to You By... Detroit

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 17:03:00 GMT

The Detroit Free Press has always been one of our favorite parts about the Motor City. It's only natural that their sex advice column would do what no other paper does-- actually have intelligent conversations, many of which don't necessarily pander to the readers who just want a giggle-ready piece of entertainment.

This week, the Press tackles real topics like Viagra for women, lopsided boobs, and lies and the lying liars who tell them...

The column is hosted by the great and amusing Isadora Alman, who wrote that book "Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex," which is hidden in your bookcase behind the Charles Dickens box set. She's a certified sexologist (I'd love to have been at that meeting) and has done some psychotherapy, which helps when people ask you questions like this (emphasis added):

Dear Isadora: Why can't the drug manufacturers find something that will work on women the way Viagra does on men? For that matter, do Viagra and the other pills like it ever work for women?
Answer: Viagra does seem to work for some women. The reason is that it sends blood to engorge the genitals. Where that creates an erection on men already feeling desire, for women it simply sends blood to the area, which can feel like arousal to some women, but doesn't for most. Viagra and its like do not affect desire in men either, just the ability to have sexual intercourse. Because most women always have that ability (excluding painful conditions such as vaginismus), creating desire is what's complicating the creation of a magic pill. For many more women than men, the desire for sex is bound up in relationship issues and beliefs about appropriate behavior, and there can be no magic pill to deal with those psychological factors.
Dear Isadora: Is there any way to tell for sure whether your partner is lying to you?Answer: For sure? No. There was a rumor that one could tell always when a certain politician was lying. It was whenever he moved his lips! In all other cases you have to rely on what you know of the person's record of truth-telling...
Dear Isadora: My daughter's breasts are beginning to grow and they are coming in lopsided. Are they likely to even out when she is through maturing? She is 11, by the way. Isn't that early?Answer: Young women are maturing much earlier these days. The average age for first menstruation in the 19th Century was around 16; now it is 12. Better nutrition is one probable cause. If you look carefully at your own body, you will see that things that come in pairs are not exactly equal. ...

What do we think about her view that, for women, "the desire for sex is bound up in relationship issues," etc.?

You can read her full responses to these questions here.

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Congratulations, Miss Beautiful... Morals

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 23:28:00 GMT

They don't allow women to drive; they barely allow them to breathe without permission. So, it should come as no surprise that the only "pageants" held in Saudi Arabia involve women who are basically invisible, covered until to the eyeballs in black fabric (in 120-degree temperature land, to boot.) Of course, these pageants are not about beauty... unless you consider rigid conservative "morals" beautiful.

Meet Miss Beautiful Morals! She's hot as hell... under all that heavy material.

Actually, this is the judge of the Miss Beautiful Morals pageant... but no matter.

By the way, the candidates will not be judged on their looks-- they'll be ranked based on their devotion to their parents. So, if my parents wanted to sell me out to an 80-year-old man or demanded I marry my first cousin, who is a serial murderer who spits on children in the street, I would be disqualified? That's what IndyStar tells us:

"The idea of the pageant is to measure the contestants' commitment to Islamic morals... It's an alternative to the calls for decadence in the other beauty contests that only take into account a woman's body and looks," said pageant founder Khadra al-Mubarak.

"The winner won't necessarily be pretty," she added. "We care about the beauty of the soul and the morals."

So after the pageant opens Saturday, the nearly 200 contestants will spend the next 10 weeks attending classes and being quizzed on themes including "Discovering your inner strength," "The making of leaders" and "Mom, paradise is at your feet" - a saying attributed to Islam's Prophet Muhammad to underline that respect for parents is among the faith's most important tenets.

Pageant hopefuls will also spend a day at a country house with their mothers, where they will be observed by female judges and graded on how they interact with their mothers, al-Mubarak said. Since the pageant is not televised and no men are involved, contestants can take off the veils and black figure-hiding abayas they always wear in public.

So, they'll be judged on how they look in private, although they can't look that way in public? Something seems a bit off about that, but whatever-- the whole thing is a disaster as is, due to the total mockery of human decency that is Saudi Arabia. [Update: If you are upset that I am attacking a country for its indecency, then you need to read this.]

And one more thing: until Miss Beautiful Morals took the country by storm in 2008, "the only pageants were for goats, sheep, camels and other animals, aimed at encouraging livestock breeding." Meanwhile, did you hear that Afghanistan isolated its lone pig (yes, there's only one in the entire country, we swear) for fear everyone would get swine flu.

Ah, God bless Islam. [Which is a joke.]

More on Saudi Arabia here and Afghanistan here.

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Sex is the Answer, Say Women in Kenya

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The answer to the question, that is, about what women should do to stop their men from fighting and killing each other. Didn't the Greeks try that once?

Seriously, we have a term in America for guys involved with women who are withholding sex. They're called "married men."

All kidding aside, this is a serious national news story in Kenya and has been picked up all over the world:

Thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country's bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year.

Leaders from Kenya's largest and oldest group dedicated to women's rights, the Women's Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace.

Eleven women's groups are participating in the strike. The groups have also called on the wives of President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga to abstain. It was not clear how either wife responded to the request.

We're guessing they responded by muttering to their aides: "I've been practicing celibacy with these douchebags for years." It could explain why everyone's so angry about everything-- let's slip all these leaders some ecstasy and put on Caligula, see how that plays out.

Sex strikes are rare worldwide. Many men in Kenya are polygamous, as is allowed by law.

Kenyan government spokesman Alfred Mutua said he was unaware of the strike.

The disputed election between Kibaki and then-challenger Odinga led to violence that killed more than 1,000 people and left more than 600,000 homeless. The two were installed after a month of mediation, but infighting has threatened to break apart the fragile coalition.

Can an all-Kenyan production of Lysistrata be too far behind? (Seriously now, we do hope their strike is successful and catches on worldwide, just not in our households.)

Via SFGate.

Miss Australia Contestant Under Fire For Being Too Thin

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:26:00 GMT

The Miss Universe pageant isn't for another four months, but it's already causing the usual controversy.

This time, the uproar is over a contestant who didn't even win her country's top prize, with media and observers complaining that she should have never been allowed to participate in the first place, thanks to her weight...

Stephanie Naumoska, who is 19, was defeated by Robin Finch, who is much healthier looking. But the story didn't die with the end of Australia's portion of the competition-- many are wondering why a 5' 11" model weighing 108 pounds was allowed to compete in the first place...

[A] spectator at the event at the Hilton Hotel commented: 'Side on, if you didn't look carefully enough, you could miss her - she was that thin.'

Dieticians urged the Sydney model to seek urgent medical attention because she was dangerously underweight.
And dietician Melanie McGrice said: "There does appear to be significant muscle wasting on the upper arm and legs, and individuals with a healthy BMI do not have such protruding bones."

But Ms Naumoska, who did not win the contest, has rejected the criticism, saying: "I think it is very unfair that I have been criticised that I'm too skinny."

Unfair? They wanted to take you to a hospital-- that means you're too skinny, without a doubt.

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"I have never been anorexic or bulimic I don't throw up my meals after I eat them I don't starve myself, none of that. I eat six to eight healthy meals a day.'"
The Sydney teenager added: "I'm here to defend the skinny people. I have been modelling since I was 13 and have a lot of friends who are really tall and skinny.

"It is just the way that our bodies are", she told TV show A Current Affair.

Six to eight "healthy" meals per day, girl? "A peanut" does not count as a meal, sorry. Let's look at the photo evidence:

Believe us when we say the winner isn't much healthier...

Via Daily Mail and Sky [right-click to open in a new window.]

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Male Australian Writer Believes Most Women Are Socially Inept, Crass, Not Bangable

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

We love how this male writer cites a female Emily Post wannabe in ripping up Australia's women, presumably after having been dumped by a wild party girl like the ones he attacks so ruthlessly.

Then again, we don't disagree with a few of his points about the "fairer sex."

If the evidence screened on a recent popular reality television show [don't say The Hills - Ed.] is to be believed then certain young, modern, Australian women are not only completely lacking in good manners but they are also foul-mouthed, loud and uncultured.

All of that is true of all English-speaking people in this day and age, the men included.

it's interesting to look at just how far the modern woman – regardless of age, race, status or income – has sunk in her attempt to "live in a man's world."

This all kinds of awful-- perhaps one of our readers can take this line to task, especially that last snarky remark... we don't have the patience.

Many Australian women are now socially inept, particularly when it comes to manners – from the businesswoman who orders the hotel concierge to get them a cab "quick smart" to the moody shop assistant who rolls her eyes when asked for help and then turns to the next assistant and announces that she cannot wait to knock off.

What about the businessman who orders up a hooker from Craig's List and then complains to her madame that she makes him wear a condom? What about the dudes who feel no qualms about hitting on a woman sitting at the bar when her boyfriend goes to the bathroom? What about the moody male video store clerk who rolls his eyes when you ask what came out this week? What if-- well, you get the point.

Then comes a line (the first one here) that we agree with 100%:

A Brisbane businessman recently revealed that, when he opened a door for two professional women exiting an office, he received no acknowledgement only to have a glass door slammed in his face after following them out. Many men are now becoming reluctant to open doors for women because they merely get "huffed" at and pushed aside.

Women almost never-- I should do a social experiment, but I would guess it's one out of ten, tops-- thank us or even acknowledge us holding the door for them. And we don't mean we stop for more than two seconds to hold the door-- it's not like we're standing there expectantly. We just know that they're a few steps back and will have to deal with the door swinging back in their faces if we don't stop to hold it. We do the same thing for anyone, regardless of gender or any other quality of the person(s) behind us. But men always mutter a casual but polite thank you-- I'm guessing at least eight or nine out of every ten.

Not cool, ladies. And another thing:

Women in the 40 to 60-year-old age bracket regard footpaths, aisles and malls as theirs alone. Put two or three of these women together and everyone must make way for them. In their world nothing comes between them and their conversation, certainly not manners or respect.

We disagree with this statement, if only because our experience is with strollers in Brooklyn and the side-by-side lineup of those monsters, each of which is wider than a motorcycle with a sidecar. Author Ian Wallace would likely agree if he lived in New York. Meanwhile, he cites June-Dally Watkins, the Emily Post type we cited, as saying good manners is an important character trait for all women. We say it's important in everyone.

Read his full story here.

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Fox News Wants To Sex You Up

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:58:00 GMT

Ah, yes, it's time to check in with the Sex Advice Column You All Love To Hate, mainly because it happens to be on FoxNews.com, features a non-manufactured cute doctor as its host, and was probably written in less time than it takes to read the posts we make fun of it in...

This week's column is entitled 7 Ways To Sex Up Your Partner's Libido. (#1 would be: "Have a threesome and leave the room when it starts.") Here's our breakdown of her bullet points:

1. Entice your partner with orgasm exploration. Believe it or not, you can have different kinds of orgasms, not just "good ones" and "I can tell that wasn't real."

2. Incorporate fantasy throughout the day. Send your partner a link to NaughtyAmerica.com and say, "Can we do that tonight?" Of course, it would help if the recipient of this e-mail were a guy.

3. Stay connected when you do have sex. "Don’t make sex about physical gratification alone. Truly worship your lover and hail the lovemaking as a celebratory experience ― one you can’t get enough of." Her words, not ours, but we have to say... "worship..." "hail [it] as a celebratory experience" should only be attempted by the best of actors.

4. Keep things novel and spicy in and out of the bedroom. In other words, get back in that kitchen and fix me a chicken pot pie. Or something.

5. Look your best. And you thought Fox News was going to tell you, "It's okay to be frumpy once you're married?" Remember, these are the same people who think Sarah Palin is a role model.

6. Engage in verbal foreplay. "I want you to do the dishes" and "Is it all right if I call you Antonio when we do it later?" don't count.

7. Consider how you size up sexual satisfaction. "Does sex always have to end in intercourse?" Female answer: "No." Male answer: "I thought sex was intercourse."

Read Yvonne K. Fulbright's actual talking points here.

This Week in Sex: We Couldn't Stuff It All In

The Worst-Ever Dates

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

A group of "loyal Scanner readers" have created a Post-Secret style blog for anonymous worst-date ever stories.

Some of them sound like good times to us... but, then again, the above photo appears to be an entertaining evening...

We're sure you guys can top these supposed "whoppers," which are more your typical lame date than horrible, tragic, Best-of-Craigslist-worthy tale:

I met a nice and attractive girl at a bar so I asked her out. She told me there was this restaurant she was dying to try so I made reservations for Friday night. The dinner was good, but very expensive. ...she suggested another fancy place. I obliged, but I was determined to go somewhere cheap if it continued beyond the second date. We had great conversation and I was definitely interested in dating her because she was smart, beautiful and well traveled. When I asked her out for date number three I suggested we go bowling. She... proceeded to pout throughout the date. I asked her what was wrong and she explained that dating was the only way she ever got to try these upscale restaurants since she was fired from her job six  months prior. She said she really missed her old lifestyle. I flat out asked her if she had any interest in me beyond my ability to take her to dinner and she shrugged her shoulders. I gave her ten bucks for a taxi and walked out.   
He took me to a local sushi joint and I guess I became quiet because of nerves or something. Frustrated, he picked up a conversation with the two women on my other side. I thought, 'I have got to loosen up here,' but instead proceeded to get drunk on sake. After dinner we went to his house and he asked me if I would like some Champagne and next thing I know I wake up on his couch around 4:00 am. "Hello?" I asked. He comes out of his room and tells me that I passed out so he left me on the couch. Embarrassed, I decide to make it up to him and bring him a bouquet of balloons later that day. I made it to his place, but heard about three or four of the balloons pop thanks to the cottage cheese ceiling in the hallway. He was not home so I wrapped the attached ribbons to the door handle with the card. Before I could tie them in a knot, I lost a few more.
I was obliterated. I stumbled into the bathroom at one point and tripped over an area rug. As my entire body pitched forward toward the sink, I caught a glimpse of my long hair suspended straight up in the air. My mouth, which was about to be a canal for projectile vomit, connected with the rim of the sink. Gonk. When I stood up, bleary-eyed, my two front teeth were broken in half. Like a West Virginia meth addict's. I panicked--but only slightly. Then I puked. I walked out and showed my boyfriend my jagged smile ("loooooook!"), already crying. He had been fixing something on his drum set. He started crying immediately, saying, "You're gonna hate me!" Then he bent over the skeleton of his drum set, bared his front teeth, and smashed his face into the metal. Gonk. Half his two front teeth were gone. Now that's love.
...before I knew it, the girl next to me was deep in conversation with my date, ignoring everyone else around. “Oh where do you live?... Where do you work? Oh wow, my shoulder hurts, doc! Maybe I could see you!” Pretty soon they were the only ones talking and then they exchanged numbers right in front of me! At some point during the crazy evening, he also informed me that he had on leopard print tighty whities with monkeys on them. Great times. I guess the moral of the story is, just because you’re a dreamy doctor, doesn’t mean you can’t also be a douche.

Maybe the moral of these stories is to avoid restaurants and booze. What do you think?

Via MyVeryWorstDate.

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While You Were Sleeping: Diablo Cody's Super Porno Limo Rides

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:12:00 GMT

Gmail is here to rescue you from regrettable sent message. Of course, you have to immediately regret sending the e-mail for the feature to work.

M.I.A. replaced Amy Winehouse in the Coachella lineup.

We don't even know what to say about this woman who is no longer attracted to her laid-off husband.

Improv Everywhere staged an art opening on a New York City subway platform.

The strip club job fair appears to have been a success.

Winnipeg is finally safe to drive in.

The top film at the box office was not I Love You, Man or the equally-hyped Julia Roberts-Clive Owen movie Duplicity. Instead, another presumably dumb Nicholas Cage movie took the top spot. (How was it, really, and why did you bother?)

Diablo Cody's friends called their limo rides with the star screenwriter "super porno."

And Ashton Kutcher posted a TwitPic of wife Demi Moore bending over in a bikini. And she was thrilled.

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6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:10:00 GMT

This week, the website Brobible put up a list of six rules for cheating guys to live by. Unfortunately, folks, a good many people think the way this writer does...

Nothing against monogamy, polyamory, polygamy, or whatever relationship you prefer, but this list has nothing to do with anything like that. This is more of a How to Cheat And Get Away With It has something (or everything) to offend everyone:

1. Try to date women with the same name.
2. Don't promise exclusivity with either girl.
3. Even if she is aware that you are not being monogamous, maintain a "don't ask, don't tell policy" when it comes to each other's bedroom behavior.
4. At some point, the inevitable question of "Where are we going with this?" will ultimately arise. To avoid leading anyone on, simply be upfront and state that you are not looking for a relationship. You might want to throw in, "But I'm not sure what I'll want in the future," to soften the blow.

5. Don't let either girl leave personal belongings at your place.
6. Wrap it up [use a condom.]

Except for #4, that's just the headlines... so you'll either have to read the whole thing or trust us that the rest is equally offensive. You'll note that it doesn't say women should ever try to have multiple boyfriends at the same time, while lying to them all, because that would hurt this dude's feelings.

What do you think? BroBible or... BroBile? (See what we did there? Nifty, huh?)

[Image]

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Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 20:32:00 GMT

Today on Your Tango, some busy business man makes excuses for his strip club addiction, telling us that it "helps" his marriage.

His other reasons are equally unbelieveable...

Let's be clear: if your man plies his trade taking client abuse or has ever attended a conference that finds him in a hotel banquet hall for 12 hours of Powerpoint torture, you can assume your honey has blown off steam, at least once, by contributing to some gal's plastic surgery fund, one crumpled bill at a time.

I am the garden-variety business-traveling strip club patron, for whom a lap dance with a client is like a harmless game of golf. You tuck a dollar bill or five or 20 inside a G-string, sit back for an innocent bump n' grind, have a few laughs with associates over the thundering drums of a Motley Crue song, wonder where your money went as you comb the sticky carpet looking for stray bills around your seat, and leave the joint lighter of both heart and wallet.

My wife knows she has absolutely nothing to worry about, and neither do most women. She knows I would not blow her trust by paying a scantily clad woman $500 to take my pasty, fat married ass into some back room for an hour. No good can come of that. Plus I'm too lazy to bulldoze my tracks and too cheap to burn a good Brooks Brothers shirt when perfume and glitter won't come out of the fabric.

Now, that's not a wholesale guarantee of good male behavior, and I don't pretend to represent mankind as a whole. My wife and I have been married for 16 years; the drama quotient is remarkably low, the passion remarkably hot and we've never needed any chemical or psychological intermediaries to keep it that way.

"You can take care of yourself to your heart's content in a hotel room, but you best not bring that filth into my bedroom," declared one of my wife's friends when I intentionally brought up the subject of shaker bars at our holiday party. Interestingly, she said this to no one in particular at maximum volume, avoiding the repentant gaze of her husband. From my vantage point, it looked like the mini-qiuiche he was swallowing suddenly turned to broken glass.
Do I bring my stripper-induced sensory overload into the bedroom? You bet I do! My wife and I have known one another since college, and over the years we have achieved the perfect blend of familiarity and mystery by sharing fantasies without breaking trust. Though she doesn't bring a director and makeup trailer to bed, I'm sure that some nights after a Mad Men episode I am her Jon HammSex is not only about love, but about play as well, and if she closes her eyes once in a while to pretend she is riding someone's see-saw, that's OK by me. understudy.
After years of monogamy and two kids, sexuality is not the stuff of romance novels. It's not that easy and never that clean. Some men fish off the company pier.

But not this dude. He just finds that jizzing in his pants at a strip joint is better than masturbation and/or just waiting till the damn business trip is over. Does anyone else out there care or are strip clubs too harmless to worry about in a relationship?

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Sex is the New Airborne

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:19:00 GMT

How bizarre is it that Fox News has become our go-to source for information on medical breakthroughs involving sex? Oddly enough, the famous conservative news source was the first outlet to tell us about a new study (ah, yes, one of those) showing all the many wonderful things sex does for the body. Some of them may actually surprise you-- and just because this is Fox we're talking about here.

Fox took their info from The Daily Mail, while we, in turn, mercifully condensed the epic story down to the most useful quotes. The article spotlights doctors at Nottingham University who want you all to have sex for the good of your health. And not the usual, "It clears the sinuses, you'll lose weight!" obviousness we've been digesting for decades. Among the benefits mentioned:

...increasing longevity to reducing the risk of erectile dysfunction and even heart attack...

Well, yes, one would think successfully completing intercourse decreases the risk of erectile dysfunction, but we see the point:

[M]en who kept up a regular sex life in their 50s were also at lower risk of developing prostate cancer
American research found that menopausal women who had sex every week had estrogen levels twice as high as their abstaining counterparts.

'This may provide some protection against male osteoporosis.'
Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of immunoglobulin A, or IgA, a substance found in saliva and the nasal lining thought to help our immune systems fight colds and flu.
One of the largest studies on longevity and sex - conducted on Welsh men - found that those who had sex less than once a month had double the risk of dying prematurely than those who had sex twice a week.

There's bad news for us twenty- and thirtysomething sex fiends:

(Conversely, they found 'too much' sexual activity - more than 20 times a month - in the 20s and 30s could increase the risk.)

Guess we won't be getting laid tonight... not that we were planning on it anyway.

Via the Daily Mail.

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"Why Does Steam Come Out of My Vagina?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:31:00 GMT

We were weighing another post about how eHow and Yahoo! Answers, among other hideous examples of free speech, are proving America is the dumbest and most unintentionally hilariously country in the United States, when this one question on our second least-favorite internet search engine became the web's top story of the day.

The "answers," while crude and downright offensive, are perhaps inevitable. It's all about setting up comedians for the punchline... if you do it well, you get a neat lil' joke. If you're asking for trouble, well... here's what you get:

Next time this happens, place a ceramic cup with 1 spoon of Nescafe Gold Blend, 2 sugars and a dash of milk between your legs.
Bon Apetite!

You won't die, but some ancient cultures believe in a pillow monster that lives in your vagina. This isnt acknowledged in modern medicine, however, the steam could be caused be the troll exhaling.

I think this means the pasta is done.

Unfortunately, your vagina is releasing harmful greenhouse gases that are contributing to global warming. I suggest that you capture the steam using a plastic bag or else you can cause a global catastrophe.

Does it smoke? Seriously, I have seen strippers perform this very trick. Perhaps after getting checked out, if there is nothing wrong, you might consider taking your act on the road.

As you might have guessed, every single one of these above comments were made by males (none of whom have avatars, let alone names or photos so we can shame them.) Unfortunately, though, the female responses were no better, ranging from the incoherent to "oh my God, better let a doctor take a look at you." It's called a gynecologist and they are available by appointment.

Now, the poor girl is talk, if not quite the toast-- of the internet, with inappropriate jokes made at her expense on everything from DListed to BuzzFeed. We'll pass-- these things just write themselves...

Via Yahoo!

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Sloppy Seconds: Chris Brown's Mystery Woman Revealed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:58:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton told everyone about falling in love with Bill Clinton. Of course, they only want to hear about how she fell out of love with Bill Clinton.

By the way, where did Rielle Hunter get the name Frances Bean from?

Young women mistakenly think men want potential female partners to drink them under the table. Got that?

Is the future of the conservative movement this woman? Whatever it is, we're getting tired of hearing that its next round of leaders are all women. After all, every one of them turns out to be a porn star (Stormy Daniels, Sarah Palin, and this Russian woman-- just check out that tiny photo near the top.)

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley will battle for the love of Dylan Thomas in a new film. Winner, no matter what the historical evidence: Knightley.

A guy claims he successfully shipped himself from NYC to Vegas. We'd almost care except... he's a magician.

It always surprises us to see people driving along without a care in the world when their cars are wobbling violently from a flat tire. Turns out, they're probably wasted.

Why has it taken Congress so long to do anything to protect whistleblowers? What year did the Pentagon Papers come out again?

And the other woman in the Chris Brown-Rihanna story is revealed to be... his manager. (He may have had an affair with her at 16, Rihanna may have hit first, and a million other drops of bullshit that don't change the fact that he needs prison time.)

Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

The UK Babies Having Babies Plot Thickens

Keira Knightley's Latest Nude Scene Kinda Puts Us To Sleep

Germany's Biggest Sex Scandal Comes To A Stunning Conclusion

ABC News: Guess What? Sex Is Good For You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 20:58:00 GMT

Thank you, ABC News. Without you, we wouldn't be able to have sex without worrying whether we were "harming" ourselves. We were worried nasal-clearing, spirit-lifting orgasm were the worst thing that could happen to our tired, rundown, useless bodies.

Seriously, there is some interesting information in this and a rival USA Today report on how lowering your cholesterol can affect your sex life...

1) Via the good neighbors at ABC:

Men who have sex three times a week can decrease their risk of heart attack and stroke by 50 percent, while women who enjoy sex tend to live longer than those who don't, according to Drs. Michael Roizen and Mehmet Oz.
It's interesting information for a species that thrives on sex.
"Humans maybe are the most sexual species of all," Roizen, an anesthesiologist and internal medicine specialist at the Cleveland Clinic, said on "Good Morning America" today.
He said researchers know this because women are sexually active for almost their entire lives and throughout all times of their menstrual cycle, meaning that they choose to have sex even during times when they are physiologically unable to produce offspring, he added.

Startling. Women are sexually active for almost their entire lives. You heard it here first, people.

Great sex can make your body feel two to eight years younger for women and the same is true for men who have 150 to 350 orgasms a year.
But the benefits don't stop there. Increasing sex from once a month to once a week is the happiness equivalent of an additional $50,000 in income for the typical American, Oz said on "GMA" today.

Yes, but most men would give up $50,000 of their income for sex with someone, anyone, once a week. If you think we're kidding, you obviously didn't hear about the two women selling their virginity for millions of dollars.

2) USA Today one-ups this report with one on statin-based drugs, which lower your cholesterol.

The greater the drop in cholesterol from taking statin drugs, the more sexual pleasure is reduced, suggests a study due Friday at the American Psychosomatic Society meeting in Chicago.

This may be the first research to pit statins against placebos to see how the blockbuster statins affect the ability to have orgasms. Statins generated about $13.1 billion in sales last year, according to IMS Health.

So, you'll have to weigh how much you want your cholesterol to drop versus how much you want enjoy sex? That's harsh.

Good news, though: if you stop-taking these life-saving drugs, your sex life will likely improve. The bad news is... something.

Via ABC and USA Today.

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Captain Obvious Says Sex Can Save Your Marriage

Women vs. Sexy Sex Ads

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 22:30:00 GMT

Over the years, the Department of the Obvious has informed us that women are found to be turned off by advertisements with strong sexual content, such as American Apparel billboards or TV spots for those randy Teletubbies.

However, new research has shown there is one thing women of all ages respond to in sexy ads... and no, it's not peen...

The study, published this month in Journal of Consumer Research, finds that women respond more favorably to sexual ads when the item in the ad is described as a gift from a man to a woman. In addition, women have high positive responses to sexual ads that depict a committed and loving man — but not for those depicting a committed and loving woman. [Emphasis added.]

We're not sure we even wanted to know this. After all, isn't this kind of study-- and web reporting on it-- actually reinforcing stereotypes and encouraging advertisers to make the same type of simplistic ads over and over? Selfish women want a ring but not to have to be tied down, while, as the study goes on to say, selfish men don't want to buy women anything-- they just want to get laid. In fact, they responded negatively to ads suggesting sex should be received only after purchasing or somehow bartering something with a woman.

When viewing the sexual ads, women responded more favorably to the ad with the gift. However, men preferred the sexual ad without the gift. "Despite their steadfast support for sex-based advertising, we did find that men reacted negatively to sexually explicit ads when the ads strongly reminded men that they may, at times, devote monetary resources in pursuit of sexual contact," the authors wrote. [Live Science]

Yes, it seems we're in a vicious cycle, and advertising is only going to get more desperate... and obvious. For further proof, see the related section...

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Let's Settle This Ridiculous First-Date Pay Debate Once And For All

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Last week, there was a column on CNN.com (via the Frisky) which confronted the incredibly annoying and unsettled question: "Who should pay on a first date?"

Besides the stock answer ("the asker"), there was remarkably little of substance in the story's "debate." Since we could care less about offending people with honesty, we'll now respond with a comment that hung over the proceedings: the discussion is incredibly sexist.

While we agree that the noble thing for the "asker" to do is at least offer to take care of the check and tip and to just deal with it if the other person doesn't take the bait by offering to pay half, that's not really the issue here.

First, we have to address this crazy reaction women gave the Frisky writer for even considering a guy who offered to split the check on a first, second, third, and even fourth date:

In my personal experience, if a woman is in any way visibly or audibly bothered by the suggestion to split the tab at the end of a date, there are two possible outcomes for the relationship...

1) she will be revealed as a person who has unrealistic expectations, what we call the "fairytale model." This person may have an extensive list of specific requirements for a relationship, a list that will limit her to only men who will do anything to prove they are worthy, while all others will move on and avoid the hassle.

2) the woman is looking for an excuse to go back to her friends and tell them "he did this one single thing that pissed me off, never mind the rest of the date was amazing, and so, therefore, I won't return his calls again." This is what we refer to as the "fear of rejection" model. In other words, and I know we may be stretching a bit, some women see a man's desire to pay for dinner as proof of interest, while an offer to split means the guy is either a jerk, a stingy jerk, or a not-interested jerk. In many cases, they may be correct.

These are all, of course, pulled out of my ass and are entirely debatable, but keep in mind they are impressions and we decide whether to call based on these impressions.

Second...

What really annoys us guys about this "first date" debate is unrelated to why women get upset about an offer to split the tab instead of the guy just paying outright. It's actually because of comments like this:

And if you [ladies] don't pay for the whole thing, you should at least offer to split the tab. Incredibly (to me), most women I spoke to thought I was an idiot and firmly believed the dude should always pay on a first date -- though for some this was a recent change of heart.
Kate, a 33-year-old writer told me, "I tend to try to pay for myself, but as I get older and more comfortable with my awesomeness, I kind of wish and hope that the other person will be a little more old-fashioned about it." Good point. If someone's eating opposite Amazing Me, shouldn't she or he pay for the privilege? After all, I'm entertaining and cute and if you let me order dessert there may be some smooching in your future.

While the Frisky writer is probably kidding about those followup comments, "Kate" clearly let some serious sexism slip out in her remarks. We're going to have to do a lot better than this if we're going to have equality between the sexes-- if women want to stop being thought of as sex objects, which men can "rent" by paying for dinner (again, this is the male thinking-- he's paying for dinner, what is he getting out of it?), why would they be so stubborn about a split check?

Even worse, the Frisky story suggests it's practically outrageous to split the check until at least the fourth date. On a personal note, we once dumped a woman for having to pay for her for four dinners in a row: it made her seem like a) she was a conservative and that the real her was still to emerge, b) she was seeing me for the free salmon sandwiches and Chianti. (Matter of fact, that combo should have been a big red flag to begin with....) Or it could've been c) all of the above.

Here's another way of putting it: if you changed the phrase "old-fashioned about it" to "pre-feminist about it," what would you have? You'd have an individual making a complete ass of herself on cnn.com in order to justify their cheapskate point-of-view.

Ladies, we understand why you don't want to split the check-- it's a rough economy out there and dating is extremely expensive, especially when you are still trying to find someone to involve yourself with. But there's only one word for your position on this issue: sexist.

From CNN, via the Frisky.

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Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Brian Fairbanks — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Life in prison for consensual sex with a 16-year-old boy? That's a big WTF.

North Dakota fired another salvo in the war against the morning after pill and other "abortions": they passed a law stating that life begins at conception.

Speaking of conception, it's the reason a big celebrity couple recently broke up...

Hayden Panettiere's relationship with Milo Ventimiglia apparently wasn't strong enough to survive the always-fun pregnancy scare. According to the Chicago Sun-Times, "The test proved negative but apparently caused friction that sparked the breakup." [The Superficial]

Here's a new way to keep paranoid tabs on your significant other: the Driving Activity Reporter, which tracks, maps, and saves your car's movement history.

Have you heard about the crazy cafeteria occupation at NYU? Two girls decided to take to the streets without their clothes on and Fleshbot has the pictures.

Rihanna has wisely decided to refrain from public comment about Chris Brown. Smart gal.

Two stories left over from earlier this week: the New York Times says women know when men are turned on because the smell of the man's sweat will change.

And, in men, "the part of the brain associated with empathy for other peoples' emotions and wishes shut down after looking at [sexy bikini] pictures."

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While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

Woman Is Shocked To Discover That Porn Is Disgusting

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 20:38:00 GMT

We couldn't resist having a laugh at the expense of Mimi Balfour, a Toronto mom who was "shocked" to discover that porn, even those films supposedly geared toward women, were "poorly art directed, poorly shot, it wasn't sexy or intelligent and the guys weren't that attractive."

(Sounds like a spot-on review of most Hollywood movies supposedly geared toward women.)

But Balfour wasn't going to take this lying down. She decided she'd make her own porno, entitled Man of My Dreams...

The Financial Post describes the film as

a collection of fantasy scenarios written, produced and directed by Ms. Balfour, under Cleopatra Productions, is the result of five years of pondering and research, including focus groups with women.

Five years to make a softcore porn movie? Geez, Cinemax used to crank those out every Thursday. And, at a profit, which a five-year-long porn project is unlikely to make...

Each scene is accompanied by music and can be watched in "learning mode," which includes popup fun facts about sex. For example, did you know that orgasms can boost your immune system? Or that a teenage boy's erection can last an hour?

Words cannot begin to describe our shock after having confronted those words.

The scenes are soft but steamy, with enough nudity and variations on subtly simulated sex. Compared with conventional pornography, Man of My Dreams has a clean, bright, cheeky and vaguely wholesome aesthetic.

"My children know that Mummy's making a sexy movie," she says.

Via the Financial Post.

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Ladies, You're in Big Trouble...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:37:00 GMT

It turns out some guys don't know when Valentine's Day is. According to this news source, searches for "when is Valentine's Day" has skyrocketed on Yahoo. In other news, people still use Yahoo for internet searches...

That search frequency has increased 150 percent during the past seven days, with men being responsible for 79 percent of the searches, according to Yahoo.

We're only mentioning this so you won't be disappointed... then again, if your man does remember what Saturday is, you'll at least be pleasantly surprised he got you anything at all...

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10 More Ways to Get Pregnant

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Today's San Francisco Examiner (online) has the continuation of one expert's set of tips on getting pregnant.

Our summary? "1-200: Have sex."

Actually, there are some interesting claims here-- or maybe it's all bullshit designed to fill up space due to lost advertising. You never know in this business. Let's get down real close and have a look-see:

11. "Missionary position. Studies suggest the missionary position allows for deepest penetration, thus releasing sperm closer to the opening of the cervix."

12. "Fertili ‘Tea’ with vitex." Did they put "Tea" in quotes because they really meant marijuana? Sorry, yeah, we're not helping...

13. "Intercourse at least every other day." At least? Shit, if you're not having sex once a day, you're not trying hard enough, okay? "[H]aving intercourse every day during a woman’s most fertile time of the month which generally occurs days 10-16 of a woman’s menstrual cycle definitely increases the odds of conception. Some studies even suggest morning sex offers a better conception rate." Hey now, we're big fans of that...

14. "Post coital position. Women should relax on their back after intercourse with their hips upward in the doctor recommended position for 15 minutes allowing sperm easier access through the cervix." Wait, we thought this was a myth, like its opposite, the "keep your legs down and you won't get pregnant" school of teen sex.

15. Involves some sort of a kilt. If it's for dudes, we're not wearing it, no way.

16. Yoga. Blah blah, why does every guide include an obligatory "do yoga" tip as part of the how-to, even if the guide is for adjusting your carburetor.

17. "Avoid artificial sweeteners." Ah man, next you'll tell us that tequila and firearms are detrimental...

18. "Hot baths. Studies indicate they may paralyze or hinder sperm. Cool surroundings offer the highest sperm and motility count."

19. "Avoid scrotum pressure." That's a big "hell yes" from us dudes, although that reaction has little do with the pregnancy thing, thanks.

20. "Cleaning products." No shit, really?

In all seriousness, if you're trying to get pregnant, check out the full list.

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Some of Our Lovers Could've Done Used the Love Trainer Device...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 18:28:00 GMT

Does your boyfriend or girlfriend need a personal trainer for their lovemaking?

A new product by Sega Toys is the most bizarre sex-related device we've ever come across...

It monitors your heart rate, among other bodily functions, and gives you advice from a small, recorded set of instructions. Most of them are entirely idiotic, like having a boxing trainer perched at a bedpost, whispering, "Get 'em, tiger, get 'em." For example, "The foreplay will now begin" (oh, baby, we're turned on already) and "You are making love at a very good pace."

These two dolts from Jackson Hole, Wyoming think it's a terrific idea to have a fucking Bluetooth device strapped to their heads during sex:

Here is ghastly device in all its glory. Still interested in purchasing it for some reason? Read more here.

Via Gizmodo.

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Measure Up with Condomcentric

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 15:17:00 GMT

Although none will ever admit it, most guys wonder (and have no reasonable estimate) of how big their dicks are.

After the jump, the full photo of the stocking stuffer that time hasn't forgot...

Of course, Condomcentric answers only one of those questions, and, of course, men will claim it's shaved an inch or two off thanks to a design flaw... or some other nonsense. We're going to try it tonight, just to make sure we're really 14" in a flaccid state...

Order yours here-- "available in inches ('hope they've got a lot of those!') and centimeters (ouch.)"

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Going On a Manhunt in the 1980's...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:27:00 GMT

There are about twenty-five laugh-out-loud moments in this video for us, which are all funnier than anything Andy Samberg has done since Chris Parnell stopped making SNL parodies with him.

From Everything is Terrible and via The Frisky, your day is now complete...

1) The part where the woman appears to be touching herself while thinking about "a pint of ice cream and Dallas"

2) "A book with an usual title" and "a stuffed animal" are two conversation pieces which may even cause us to flee from Kate Beckinsale or Jennifer Connelly

3) "Your mother may have taught you that it's rude to stare." But then they have a guy stop at a park bench and leer at a woman for a full ten seconds before deciding to move on. And that's supposed to be a good example of a male prototype!

4) "You know, somebody oughta come up with a newspaper that only has good news in it." Oooh, girls, don't let this stranger talking to you on the same park bench get away, he's an American original...

What are your favorites?

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A Near-Majority of Women Prefer Internet to Sex... Large Majority of Men Cower in Fear

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:59:00 GMT

Intel conducted an online survey that found 46% of women would rather play around on the internet than have sex in real life. Men everywhere are feeling more inadequate than ever...

The findings:

46%: the number of women who would rather be celibate for two weeks than have to give up the internet for the same amount of time

49%: the number of women in the 18-34 demographic that would make the same swap

52%: the number of women in the 35-44 category that would heartily agree

Meanwhile:

30%: the number of men who would trade sex for, clearly, looking at porn online

39%: the number of men 18-34

23%: the number of men 35-44, because clearly they aren't getting any in real life

100%: the number of men, in our version of this survey, that would trade real sex for virtual reality sex, if only they knew how...

Image via the Sun.

Somebody Pass the Creamy Cum Crepes!

New Study Claims Women Don't Care For (Sick) Men

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 14:47:00 GMT

Get your typing fingers ready to comment on this one...because a survey that finds that women don't have any sympathy for men, aren't willing to take days off for them, and think sick men are pathetic is bound to be divisive...

The finds:

52% of women lose interest in tending to a sick male partner after only five minutes
18% of women are never interesting in tending to a sick male partner, not even for five seconds
70% of men ceaselessly support a sick female partner
60% of men do housework and 64% cook dinners they wouldn't have cooked if their partner was well
37% of men would take a day off while only 19% of women would the same for a sick man
56% of women would say bail on a Girl's Night Out while 73% of men would stand their guy friends up

Angry yet?

Almost three in 10 (29 per cent) take one look at him and think “he’s going to be grumpy all day” the survey found, while 28 per cent just think “hurry up and get better”, and one in 10 men claims to have been told not to be a hypochondriac.

Men by contrast present themselves as saintlike in comparison with 48 per cent claiming their first thought is “poor thing” when their partner is unwell, although only 13 per cent of women said their partners had looked after them.

What do you think of this (CRAZY LOONEY) survey, conducted for a new cold medicine called Lemsip Max All In One... which claims to work in five minutes?

Actual conversation about this:

She: "You know, a lot of males are raised to deny vulnerability, which includes times of sickness.They expect the women they are in a relationship with to be tough about it as well... so they're not as sympathetic. They think women should just tough it out."

He: "Yeah, but the survey talks about how women see the whining guy, the whimpering and pain and they stop being sympathetic immediately. In my view, this may be because they like their guys to be strong and not, obviously, whiners... so when that does a complete one-eighty, they wanna get outta there and go to work."

She: "But women are the caretakers. They'll take care of the kids. That's such bullshit about more men will cook dinner when women are sick than women will cook when it's the reverse. I don't buy that women will cook less if the man is sick."

We have to agree with that.

More here. Photo via SF Gate.

The 15 Most Promiscuous Countries

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:18:00 GMT

USA! USA! USA!

Not this time... and that's a welcome change. After all, aren't you beyond bored with the perennial sex surveys that trash our Puritan nation's filthy, condom-buying pervs? Not this time: suck it, Australia, Germany, and the rest!

But not literally, of course, since we're prudes compared to you guys...

Here are the Top 15, according to research published in this week's New Scientist by a professor at Bradley University:

1. United Kingdom

2. Germany

3. Netherlands

4. Czech Republic

5. Australia

6. USA

7. France

8. Turkey

9. Mexico

10. Canada

11. Italy

12. Poland

13. Spain

14. Greece

15. Portugal

The survey queried 14,000 people in 48 countries on their life's worth of sex partners and one night stands, plus a respondent's general attitude toward casual sex and getting it on in general. Particularly interesting is this excerpt from a story about this story in the Times:

The high scores in many Baltic and eastern European states might be linked, Schmitt said, to the fact that women outnumber men and so are under more pressure to conform to what men want in order to find a mate. In Asian countries, by contrast, men tend to outnumber women slightly, so it is men who have to conform.

That doesn't sound very scientific to us, but we'll take it...

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Men's Health Should Worry More About Men's Sanity

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:10:00 GMT

Men's Health (apparently the South African edition) has just published the "41 ways to melt a woman's heart," which should be subtitled "or compel her to obtain a restraining order."

Guys, don't try these at home... at least... not all of them.

Like all lists of advice for relationships, the value of the wisdom depends on the personalities. For example, see #3.

1. Ask her to dance.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.

We know quite a few ladies who get off on a guy who does not rush over to meet them, instead leans back with a sly smile and waits for his girl to meet him where he's already standing. But that's a trivial issue compared to some of these other creeptastical suggestions:

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice. [Yeah, and not necessarily in a good way. Dudes, don't forget, some women appreciate it when you don't shave before you see them.]
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard. [Hmmm... why does this sound creepy all of a sudden?]
27. Worship her breasts.
28. Give her jewellery.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

Right. Make sure to be standing there, motionless and in complete silence, when she yanks the shower curtain over.

And although we're pretty sure this one's meant to be silly, after the above choices, we're not so sure:

41. If she’s too stressed to want sex...
a. Run a bath for her.
b. Give her a full-body massage.
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.

Via Men's Health.

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Michael Cera Doesn't Know He's Famous, Might Still Be My Boyfriend

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 16:11:00 GMT

How cute is Michael Cera? He doesn't even know he's famous.

"I don’t really want to be famous, and I’m kind of scared that might be happening … I might really have to stop and think before I make decisions now, and see how they’re going to affect my life, and see if it’s what I want to be doing with my life. I guess I need to make sure that it’s worth all that comes with it."

Ahhh! Michael Cera. Will you marry me? We'll run away to a little cabin upstate, or in Montana, or wherever, and we'll grow our own vegetables. And I'll cook us three meals a day and you can impregnate me with 2.5 of your children—you know, when we're a little older.

But, um, would you mind growing a beard? Er, can you?

[MollyGood: Cera Last to Know He's Famous]

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[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Is The CW Finished?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:23:00 GMT

A DNC member and prominent backer of Hillary Clinton will endorse John McCain today.

Here's why some men think "yes" when they hear "no." Not that we're siding with the men on this one...

Eva Mendes claims to have had sex in just about all of the 50 States. How did this mindblowing feat come to pass without our knowledge (and involvement)?

The Hitch star admits she took a raunchy road trip across the country when she was younger and managed to have a sexual encounter in nearly every one of the different states.
She says, "I've had sex in all 50 states. A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger."
And Mendes admits that her best experiences took place in Arizona and Colorado, adding: "Maybe it was the clean air."

Vote for Miss St. Pauli Girl-- it's the only vote you'll have this year that might actually count.

Paris Hilton is denying the naysayers their day: contrary to popular opinion, the socialite has been seen hanging out with the winner of her upcoming reality show, My New BFF. Of course, she could be totally making it all up.

A woman tried to poison her roommate, a la Wedding Crashers, with eye drops in his drink, nearly murdering him. Her punishment? She had to pay his hospital bills.

Even with Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill, the CW is probably doomed.