Scanner : meat

Chimps Will Put Out for a Piece of Meat, And So Will We

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:09:00 GMT

JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED THIS STORY WHEN SCANNER COLLEEN DID IT A WEEK AGO (BECAUSE SCANNER EMILY DID—FLUCK!)

And by piece of meat we don't mean that beefcake from the elliptical machine—or the nearest tree if we're talking about chimps. No we mean delicious, bloody, iron-filled, gets-stuck-in-your-teeth meat.

Researches recently found, after following around 20 adult chimpanzees in Côte d’Ivoire's Taï National Park, that female chimps put out more often for males that shared food with them than for those who didn't.

Now, the chimps aren't going on dates, exchanging meat for sex that night. The barter happens over the course of weeks or months, with the males "accruing credit" by supplying the lady chimps with meat from multiple hunts.

"They can keep track somehow of what they have received or given in the past," said one of the anthropologists involved in the study. "It doesn't mean they're aware of this. It could be emotional. In humans, you don’t even really know how many coffees someone has bought for you in the past, you just generally feel that this person is nice to you. It creates a positive feeling toward that person."

Makes sense. If a guy was constantly bringing us steak sandwiches, steak frites, juicy hamburgers and street meat, we imagine it'd only be a matter of time before we'd want to get our hands—and mouth—on his meat. And if that makes us no better than a monkey, well... we'd rather be a monkey with a steady stream of steak and sex than a respectable human without either.

[FOXNews: Chimps Exchange Meat for Sex, Study Finds]

Related:

Chimps Pimp Selves Out for Meat

The Crazy Chimp Lady Plot Thickens

Arby's is Not Even Trying

Yes, Scanner Emily. Chipotle will make you fat.

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:04:00 GMT

Yesterday we had a burrito from Chipotle. It was delicious. It also had 943 calories. And it didn't even have any meat in it! How do we know we consumed so many calories with one not-so-very-little burrito? We used the Chipotle Nutrition Facts Calculator, that's how. And, well, it's time to cut the sour cream; it would have saved us 120 calories!

Here's how it works: you just go to this site and plug in what you had on your burrito or in your tacos. Then you can feel guilty and go run or purge or whatever you need to do to feel okay about eating a 1,000 calorie burrito. We just sat and contemplated it. You can do that, too.

[Chipotle Nutrition Calculator 2.0]

Related:

Taco, Burrito, What's Comin' Out Of Your Speedo?

It's Been Real

Tacos We'd Like to F*ck: The Double Decker Taco

[Image]

Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 14:59:00 GMT

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Hamburger Fatty Melt. Created by the folks over at A Hamburger Today, this burger between two grilled cheese sandwiches is the equivalent of a cute, super talented skinny hipster guy we'd really like to fuck... you know, just because "there's something about him."

Well, those hamburger-loving people just took it there and put a fucking beard and a pot belly on this guy... now we're seriously creaming our pants over the Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt.

Not only is there bacon on the hamburger, the grilled cheese sandwiches that serve as buns are stuffed with bacon as well. We're sure this is an entire week's worth of Weight Watchers points yet we're tempted to try it. We're a little sad the tomato got lost in the shuffle, but this burger might just take the Food We'd Like to Fuck Cake.

[A Hamburger Today: The Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt]

Related:

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes

Shameless Self Promotion: My Book!

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Meat and Mashed Potato Cupcakes

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

Giada De Laurentiis: "I'm Not Doing Porn"

Who Would You Rather: The Anne Hathaway Who Enjoys Anal Sex or The Anne Hathaway Who Doesn't?

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Okay, so it's possible the Internets tricked us into believing Anne Hathaway just loves anal sex. According to the blogosphere, in an upcoming issue of Esquire, Hathaway opens up about her love of anal sex, claiming it makes her feel "feminine in a very special way... every woman should try it, otherwise they miss out on something amazing."

But the kids at Defamer were just as skeptical as some of the ladies here at Scanner were, and contacted Esquire to get to the bottom (pardon the pun) of it. "Absolutely not true," Esquire spokesperson Rhett Usry told the blog. "There is no interview with Anne Hathaway at all in the upcoming issue of Esquire."

As representatives of the Internets, we'd like to apologize for getting your hopes up about Hathaway's love of anal sex. And now we ask you, who would you rather, the dirty girl who loves it or the sweet, innocent pretty, pretty princess?

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Which Hollywood Celeb Loves Anal Sex?

David Letterman Grills Anne Hathaway About Her Criminal Ex

Coming Soon: Nude Photos of Anne Hathaway

While You Were Sleeping: Anne Hathaway and the Cops

Sloppy Seconds: Whose Illegitimate Half Sister is This?

Sloppy Seconds: What Happens to Julia Allison's Nipple Does Not Stay in Vegas

David Letterman Grills Anne Hathaway About Her Criminal Ex

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:39:00 GMT

We used to be kind-of "meh" on Anne Hathaway, but the more time that passes, we think she's just cute as a button. We're a little concerned that she's given up meat and booze, but she still wears leather and eats cheese. All of this on the heels of her split with boyfriend of four years, Raffaello Follieri, hours before his arrest on charges of fraud and money laundering.

"I don't want to go into the specifics but I will say that you do have to give me credit because as far as relationships crashing and burning goes, c'mon, I did pretty great. I mean, scorched that earth."

Video after the jump

Related:

Coming Soon: Nude Photos of Anne Hathaway

While You Were Sleeping: Anne Hathaway and the Cops

Sloppy Seconds: Whose Illegitimate Half Sister is This?

Sloppy Seconds: What Happens to Julia Allison's Nipple Does Not Stay in Vegas

[Image]

Jessica Simpson Recovers Quite Nicely from Her Honky Tonk Ass Flash

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Jessica Simpson didn't start the week off so well, but she sure did finish nicely.

If you recall, she gave a terrible live performance on Good Morning America while wearing some really bad clothes that didn't quite do the trick of keeping her bits covered.

Luckily, she hit the streets later in the week looking fabulous, and there's a brand new ass shot (albeit covered) after the jump. And the old one, just for shits and giggles.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

Jessica Simpson's... Ass Slip?

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Ready to Go Nude To Save Nonexistent Movie Career?

Does Jessica Simpson's BF Tony Romo Have Performance Anxiety?

[Images]

PETA: Public Nudity Didn't Work, Let's Try Public Showering...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:52:00 GMT

Some weeks back, we received a press release from at least two different PETA chapters noting their change of tactic: from random street nudity to random street nudity in showers.

Then we heard about a protest in Times Square on August 21st and so we waited. And waited. For photographic evidence, of course. Finally, they have started to spring up by the dozen...

Ah, yes, it's one of those anti-global warming, save the planet naked protest movement things. Not that we're complaining...

Ah, the man who likely appears in every photo ever taken by a tourist in New York City, the Naked Cowboy. Wonder why the ladies don't seem super thrilled to have him there...

We were waiting around, hoping for better photos, but this is what's available, so deal. We think you get the point anyway: these girls don't want your 1 Lb. of Meat. You can take that pound of meat and shove it.

And so on.

Related:

Sophie Monk Has A KFC Relapse

75 Nude Bicyclists Rally Around Dad And His 3-Year-Old

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

Who Would You Rather: Naked Olympic Swimmers Edition

Anti-Teen Pregnancy Ad Proves PETA Doesn't Want Animals To Breed?

Sloppy Seconds: Topless Chicks Arrested At KFC

Sloppy Seconds: $1 Million for Your Meat

Hot or Not: PETA Protests?

There Best Be Some Bling on That Burger King

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 13:14:00 GMT

If we were going to drop $200 on a hamburger — which, let's be honest, we totally would if we could — it sure as hell wouldn't be from Burger King. Even if it was a Burger King in the UK. Even though Big Macs are better in the UK so who's to say that Burger King wouldn't be better in the UK? But still... let's talk about why it's expensive.

Because Burger King says so to break some silly record:

Burger King's £95 sandwich, named simply The Burger, will make Guinness World Record history beating a similarly extravagant American Double Truffle Burger which cost just £65 in 1994.
The world's most succulent Japanese beef is complemented with white truffles, onion tempura prepared in Cristal champagne and Italy's finest Pata Negra prosciutto.

Really? You're gonna be like that, Burger King?

We think we can do better, especially with the help of our friend the Shameless Carnivore. Because we can make a burger that will not only cost 95 pounds, it will make you gain 95 pounds.

Or, uh, we could just make a regular burger and get someone to give us $250 for it and then we'd have the most expensive burger in the world, now wouldn't we?

[Telegraph: Burger King launches £95 'bling burger']

Related:

Today in Sandwich Porn: The Lady's Brunch Burger

Indiana Jones is Making Your Kids Fat

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

Today in Disorders We'll Never Suffer From: Orthorexia

If Lindsay Lohan is Pregnant, Then We're Expecting Twins

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 20:37:00 GMT

No, not about that shirt. But about another one...

Though we have nothing but love for our vegetarian and vegan sisters. More meat for us!

Also, we absolutely agree with Jessica Simpson's decision to go country. Because as you know, while Scanner Emily is a little bit rock 'n roll, she's a lot country.

God, did we really just agree with her twice in one day?

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Jessica Simpson vs. Ashlee Simpson Wentz

Does Jessica Simpson's BF Tony Romo Have Performance Anxiety?

We Just Found the Hottest Picture of Jessica Simpson Ever

Name That Girl: "Breasts like plucked guinea hens, undercooked and overstuffed."

[Image, Image]

Crush of the Week: Veggie Pride Paraders

Emily Farris — Mon, 19 May 2008 21:09:00 GMT

We should first make clear that aside from one misguided and carbohydrate-loaded year, we do not practice vegetarianism. It's not beyond us to lick the blood from our steak plate, or better yet, sop it up with lard-fried French fries. In fact, we won't even date vegetarians (perhaps because we know they wouldn't want to watch us happily slurping up cow's blood?)

But we've been known to have crushes on plenty of people we probably wouldn't date if given the opportunity, and the Veggie Pride Paraders are some of those people.

We also love superheroes and people who aren't afraid to talk about their poop:

After the walking carrot and pea pod at the front of the procession came a couple in banana costumes, holding hands as they marched, and then a man in a "Super Vegan" costume with a blazing "V" on his chest and a woman waving a hot pink tinfoil pig with a plaintive sign reading, "Save me."
Bringing up the rear of the march were the ecofarmers with a long tube of pink netting representing a meat-eater's colon. It had signs pointing to "butt cancer," "polyps" and a large plastic "colostomy bag" filled with plastic poop.

Because there's nothing we appreciate more (not even butt cancer or superheroes) than people who appreciate their food—whether we agree with their choice of cuisine or not— the hundreds of proud vegetarians and vegans who swarmed New York City's Meatpacking District yesterday are our crushes of the week.

[NY Daily News: Vegetables on march against meat biz]

[Video: NY Mag at Veggie Pride Parade]

[Veggie Pride Parade]

Sloppy Seconds: $1 Million for Your Meat

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenegger: if I can't run for president, I'll just buy up land until the country is all mine! [Yahoo!]

In other people who are taking over the world: Bill Gates wants to revamp the pharmaceutical industry. [Wired]

You can purchase Barack Obama's sloppy seconds (waffles) on eBay. Get 'em while they're hot! [Wonkette]

Okay, seriously, folks. Why don't rich people just hire poor people to drive them around when they're drunk? [Us Weekly]

Ginnifer Goodwin says her show "Big Love" is "sugar-coated polygamy." You think? [People]

PETA is offering one million dollars to anyone who can create in-vitro meat that looks and tastes as good as the real thing. "In vitro meat production would use animal stem cells that would be placed in a medium to grow and reproduce. The result would mimic flesh and could be cooked and eaten. Some promising steps have been made toward this technology, but we're still several years away from having in vitro meat be available to the general public.... " We'll pass for the juicy steak over there, thanks. [LA Unleashed] [Image]