Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:55:00 GMT

We held onto the Olympics for dear life, we'll admit, but after this last look back at the week's highlights, it may be time to say adios...

...until next week, when more nude Olympians are sure to grace us with their leaked online photos... or maybe Republicans are caught with strippers...

HIGHS:

...since Democrats don't seem to enjoy them.

We have to hand it to John McCain for making it an historic election now, no matter who wins.

Enough about McCain, here's to a true hero: Michael Phelps, who is now spending his days giving kids swimming lessons, apparently.

Matthew McConaughey's mom is kind of a sexual hero, in a way. Really.

We're proud to have had a transgender Crush of the Week, although we're pretty sure she won't go out with us no matter how much we kiss her ass.

Eva Longoria Circa A Few Years Ago is kind of our runner-up Crush of the Week.

LOWS:

This post would've been called Last of the Nude Olympians... if they were actually Olympians.

Hopefully, Olympians won't have to stoop to making straight-to-DVD sex movies. Blurry sex tapes will do just fine, thanks.

If you were wondering why we enjoy photos of women athletes who have bodies like rocks (of Gibraltar), a reminder of a possible alternative.

So we've established Ms. Marsh is not among the sexy people... are you?

Seriously, we do wish Mulder luck in rehab, despite what you may think.

This guy is world's worst liar.

Something we can all argue about civilly: this show may or may not be terrible.

Speaking of lying, somebody lied to us when they said Toy Story was animated, damn it.

Things That Make You Go "Ewwww": Matthew McConaughey's Mom

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 17:40:00 GMT

It seems that the unfortunately named Kay McConaughey can totally screw the life out of somebody.

According to reports of her new book I Amaze Myself! Matt's dad died a warrior's death--inside her vagina.

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened.

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”

And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

All of the sudden Matthew McConaughey seems exceptionally functional, and not we can actually excuse all of the beach-combing, scraggly-haired oddness. Seriously. Look where he came from, this man is a prime example of human resilience and strength.

[via Best Week Ever]

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