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Top 5 Sex Scenes Starring Angelina Jolie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 20:29:00 GMT

While compiling last week's Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies, we started to realize 1) Angelina Jolie is in a boatload of action movies, 2) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of action movies and 3) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of movies...

5. The Good Shepherd. Angelina Jolie is the only total stranger we can think of who could somehow keep us turned on after demanding to know if we love her. Angie, please, we'd like you to learn our middle name and take a test on the Baltimore Colts first, okay?

4. Foxfire. This here's more of a slumber party sequence than a sex scene, but you won't be complaining. By the way, this is what every guy, aged 8 to 108, imagines women are doing when there are no boners around.

3. Original Sin. We're pretty sure Antonio Banderas does all these softcore porn flicks to get away from that nut Melanie Griffith, although it's hard to imagine any straight guy turning down a script that includes this scene. [By the way, for some reason the volume on this scene is much higher than our other clips. Sorry about that.]

2. Taking Lives. There are some technical problems with the sound in this vi-- oh, who's paying any attention to the bland dialogue and storyline of this movie anyway? Here are two sex scenes for the price of one. And ladies, that's your favorite up-and-comer Gerard Butler in the buff in scene two, which is actually (apparently) from Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

1. Gia. It's possible you could get away with a Top 5 Sex Scenes Just From The TV Movie Gia, All Featuring Angelina Jolie list, especially if you include this as two separate sex scenes-- in the first, Angie has sex with a fence; in the second, she continues to nail the fence, while also including Lost's Elizabeth Mitchell in the action. Good Lord, it must be Friday...

You can check out more Jolie-Mitchell action from Gia in this clip.

Related:

From Porn Stars To Prostitutes... The Latest Ads

We Nominate... Marisa Tomei For Best Supporting Nipple Rings

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies

Top 5 Sex Scenes Set in the Great Outdoors

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Hush That Noise! Hugh Jackman is Not the Sexiest Man Alive

Emily Farris — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 17:02:00 GMT

People has named Hugh Jackman the Sexiest Man Alive in 2008. While we cannot deny that Jackman is very sexy and is alive, we absolutely cannot sit idly by while People spews these lies to the public.

So who do we think is the sexiest man alive? Like there was ever any question (and no, it's not Barack Obama or Robert Downey Jr, though they, too are sexy and alive).

Oh, god. Make it stop! Make it stop!

Does anyone disagree with us? If so, we challenge you to a brawl!

[Today: G’day! Hugh Jackman is new Sexiest Man Alive]

Sloppy Seconds: Are Ryan Gosling and Scanner Emily Wishing Underneath the Same Big Star?

While You Were Sleeping: Somebody Had Her Hands All Over Our Man Ryan Gosling

Dumb Cops Make Mondays Bearable

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:42:00 GMT

Like many of you, we're suckers for corrupt cop stories. Not the scary corruption kind (like Matt Damon in The Departed), the kind that involves traffic cops sleeping with women they've given $100 in tickets to in exchange for ripping up said tickets.

Two stories today jumped out at us about cops who weren't just dumber than the criminals they usually tackle, but funnier and widely-publicized, too...

1) A married British constable was sentenced to four months in jail because he could not stop having sex with women while at work. The first woman used to make him meals and had sex with him while he was on duty, while the second woman was undoubtedly a victim. He arrested her after an incident involving her boyfriend, stroked her hands while fingerprinting her, then, while he was supposed to be giving her a ride home in a police van, invited her to take a walk in the woods for a "chat." He then all but forced a kiss on her, whereupon she decided to file the complaint that landed him in prison. Bye bye, copper. [Yahoo]

2) Check this out... you're a bored Secret Service agent and you decide you desperately need to get laid. So what do you do? If you're this unnamed agent, you roll up to a female prostitute, inquire about her pricing, show her your Secret Service uniform so she knows who to look for down the road, agree on a $20 fee (for what? a kiss on the cheek? that's it? $20?), and roll straight over to where the DC police, which is conducting a sting, is ready to arrest you. Let's hope this guy wasn't on the Presidential detail or Barack Obama is in trouble... [Fox]

Woman Kills Rapist With Shotgun Blast Through Her Front Door

Germany's Richest Woman Blackmailed With Own Sex Tape

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

Happy Birthday: Woman Busted With 16 Grams In Her Vagina

Sloppy Seconds: Jerry Lewis Continues to Hate on the Gays

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Would you like to watch Britney Spears work out? Here you go. [Faded Youth]

We went from being not so into Matt Damon to wishing we were fucking Matt Damon. He's doing GOTV in Florida this week! [People]

More sad news for Jennifer Hudson and her family. [CNN]

Considering we've never seen him live, we should probably see Michael Jackson in concert before his face implodes. [FameCrawler]

Speaking of Mr. Jackson, 3,960 people dressed as zombies got together to do the "Thriller" dance in Austin. [Thrill the World Austin]

Prepare for cute overload: a dog risked his life to guard a box of kittens in a burning home. [Neatorama]

82-year-old Jerry Lewis continued to hate on the gays, calling cricket "a fucking fag game" on Australian TV. [Radar]

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Here's Why We Want to Eat Cute Things Alive

While You Were Sleeping: The Death of Scrabulous

Video of the Day: Matt Damon Compares Palin's Candidacy to "A Really Bad Disney Movie"

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:01:00 GMT

We've never been big fans of Matt Damon. Not that there's anything wrong with him, he just doesn't do anything for us. However, we find his commentary on Sarah Palin ridiculously hilarious.

[via Jossip]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Finders Keepers, Finders Weepers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Oh, the things you'll learn!

HIGHS:

We found porn on Wikipedia.

We found a picture of a very sexy carrot.

We found out about... sommmmeeboddyy'sss birthdaaay!

We discovered a secret pantie run at ASU. Okay, it couldn't have been that secret if hundreds of Arizonians were ready with their cameras when it went down.

We uncovered the ancient art of the VHS tape.

We revealed the identity of Minnie Driver's baby daddy. And no, she's not "fucking Matt Damon."

We learned that homosexuality is a whopping 140 years old!

We began a new contest after finding one of the great dive bars.

LOWS:

We uncovered a Google Map pertaining to the sexual conquests of an individual unfortuantely named "Igor."

We found out that Grey's Anatomy is resorting to raunchy lesbian sex to keep its ratings up. Shame on them?

We discovered the Ugly Models Agency is not really all that bad. It makes us feel ugly, in fact.

Our eyes burned after learning about anal from Spencer Pratt.

We mourned the wonderful news of Scarlett Johansson's enagement.

IN-BETWEENS:

We learned the identity of the owner of a famous third nipple. Actually, everyone cheated by reading the name of the celebrity off the title of the photo. Whoops!

And we learned about America's most sexually satisfying cities. None of them are near us, damn it.

EXCLUSIVE: Scanner Reveals Minnie Driver's Baby Daddy

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 May 2008 19:12:00 GMT

For the first time. An exclusive. A world premiere event.

Minnie Driver, at six months pregnant and due this summer, has so far refused to reveal the name of her baby's father, but has dropped enough clues that our state of the art investigation network (i.e. Google) has cracked her secret code...

The only clues Driver will offer about the identity of her "baby daddy" are that he is English, and "sort of in the same business," and that they have evaded detection because "he's really busy, like me." [Independent UK]

Hmm... he is "sort of" in the same business... no, Danny Molder is taken, ruling out any possibility he could be on the other side of the camera. So, he's an actor. We rule out any other logical possibilities (like the fact that she's a musician as well, so he could be involved in music.)

"He is English." Ian McKellan? Impossible. Patrick Stewart? Nope. Blake Fielder-Civil? Unusual, but very probable. Seriously, she just narrowed it down to two people-- and Daniel Radcliffe was probably not even legal yet, so that rules him out. Nope, ladies and gentlemen, there is only one more remaining candidate... someone you all know and love... someone who is an admitted lesbian... well, a lesbian in the form of a straight man who wears drag and sleeps exclusively with women... someone who is so powerful and dangerous that Minnie Driver dare not speakest his name... the next British Prime Minister...

Yes, Eddie Izzard. We're pretty sure. Although if we're wrong, well just change this post and insert the correct male person's headshot here... or just paste it over Eddie's face. Either way, you heard it here first.

I Love Myself For Hating You: The Bourne Movies

Bryan Christian — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:28:00 GMT

Guys, WTFF is the deal with everyone thinking the Bourne movies are any good? We just caught Bourne 2 or whatever on TNT -- where it's played, like, every other hour -- and seriously: they're handsomely mounted and all, but how can any film series be considered good when you can be ten minutes in and have NO FUCKING IDEA which one you're watching? It's like they only had four ideas for scenes in the whole six hours of screentime:

1) Exposition of the plot, generally characterized by earpieces and Bourne going "Do you know what you've done?" or "Do you know what they'd do?" or "Do you know what I've done?" And someone does.

2) Middle-aged people and Julia Stiles going "Where is Bourne?"

3) Hectic, longass, implausibly survived fight and/or car crash

4) The hired killer who says nothing and makes us kind of sad for him says nothing and makes us kind of sad for him

... and that's basically it, over and over and over in that shakycam, gunsteel blue until BAM, cue the Moby. Is that really enough for supposed movie greatness? Frenzied yet burnished interchangability? Fuck that. We hate movies where everyone looks the same and talks the same AND it doesn't matter what's going on AND everyone's a doublecrosser AND it's all supposed to be so serious and worldly but it's actually just vague. Oooh, we're in Moscow; oooh, we're in Tangier; oooh, we're in India -- but there's nothing actually in these movies about Russia, about Morocco, about South Asia. Oooh, we're the CIA; oooh, we're the Russian Secret Police -- but there's nothing there about actual international espionage other than old white guys are douches, you can use a rolled-up magazine in a knife fight, and the CIA looks a lot like CNN headquarters. Does anyone not remember The Pretender? It's the same goddamn thing but with more money and talent and a serious, "realistic" tone that we find as suffocating as we do laughable.

We had high hopes for this series when it first started, in part because we had heard that it was going to be a kind of backpacker-as-spy type thing, which was a great twist on the old tropes and would have been a great post-9/11 character to explore. But then they got rid of the most backpacker-y part of the series at the beginning of Supremacy (no spoiler here), and gave in to the very slick, very shallow, very dumb potentials of the set-up: he's swimming in cash, he stays at the best hotels, he's got all the equipment he ever needs and knows how to get it without being caught, 'cause he never gets caught unless he wants to... Ho hum. It's the Superman problem: if you can't hurt the guy, how can you make us care about him?

More importantly: it's the James Bond problem. We know, the "JB" thing is supposed to be a riff on Commander Bond. Ha ha. Has anyone else noticed that these movies basically are Bond movies as done by Dick Wolf? Law and Order: International Assassin Unit, where the characters barely have any arc, the acting is reserved, and the tone is deathly serious despite the decidedlly TV-level machinations of the plot. "What did you people do to my brain???" Bong bong. Also: blecch.

(And dude, an aside: we don't know where Bourne shops, but since he dresses just like every other young hired gun in the series, you'd think that all those guys could save a lot of time by just offing each other in the black t-shirt aisle. Just a thought.)

By the way, this is not a thing about how much we hate Matt Damon or Paul Greengrass or Tony Gilroy or Doug Limon, because we don't. Frankly, we feel good about Greengrass and Gilroy cashing any paycheck they can, because they're really great filmmakers. (Bloody Sunday, guys; Bloody Freaking Sunday.) We're just officially and peremptorally announcing our boycott of the fourth Bourne enterprise, which is apparently on the way -- which we will only be repealing if it's called The Bourne Condominium and details Jason Bourne's attempt to settle down and buy an apartment with no credit history in the cutthroat world of New York real estate. At least then there'd be something for us to relate to.

Video of the Day: Sarah Silverman Makes a Funny

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 21:29:00 GMT

(Thanks, Bill!)

Regarding Matt Damon: I'll See Your "Eff Yeah" and Raise You An "America, Eff Yeah!'

Bryan Christian — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 20:55:00 GMT

Actually, Scanners Nicole and Sarah, I'm agnostic on Matt Damon getting the 2007 People Prize for Outstanding Man Faces or whatever. I just felt lonely not participating in the fun.

Also, I couldn't stop laughing at this hi-res screengrab of the Matt Damon puppet from Team America. Those of you who haven't seen the movie: the caption doesn't mean what it seems to. Mostly.

Thanks, People Magazine! You brought the Scanner family together for a day!

Regarding Matt Damon: We See Your "Meh," Nicole, and Raise You an "Eff Yeah"

sarahhepola — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 19:31:00 GMT

Earlier today, our buddy and cohort Nicole mentioned that Matt Damon has been named Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. We were shocked by this for one reason: His name does not include the words Depp, Clooney, or McConaughey. We know that people are all “meh” on Matt Damon, and that’s fine. More Matt Damon for us. But let us tell you, briefly, why Matt Damon makes our little ticker pound.

Son of a Boston schoolteacher.
Son of a Boston schoolteacher who went to Harvard.
He never graduated Harvard. Know why? Because he's Matt Damon.
OK, listen: Good Will Hunting? Not that bad.
Won an Oscar. Brought mom to the ceremony. And he’s not even gay.
The Talented Mr. Ripley.
The Departed.
Married a normal person.
Those eyes, that chin, those lips. And to seal the deal? That smirk.
Did we mention The Departed? We really, really liked The Departed.
He’s part-Finnish. We are part-Finnish. Perhaps we are Matt Damon. Congratulate us! We rule!

Scanner : matt damon

Top 5 Sex Scenes Starring Angelina Jolie

From Porn Stars To Prostitutes... The Latest Ads

We Nominate... Marisa Tomei For Best Supporting Nipple Rings

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies

Top 5 Sex Scenes Set in the Great Outdoors

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Hush That Noise! Hugh Jackman is Not the Sexiest Man Alive

Crush of the Week: Ryan Gosling

Sloppy Seconds: Are Ryan Gosling and Scanner Emily Wishing Underneath the Same Big Star?

While You Were Sleeping: Somebody Had Her Hands All Over Our Man Ryan Gosling

Dumb Cops Make Mondays Bearable

Sloppy Seconds: The Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Controversy

Woman Kills Rapist With Shotgun Blast Through Her Front Door

Germany's Richest Woman Blackmailed With Own Sex Tape

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

Happy Birthday: Woman Busted With 16 Grams In Her Vagina

Sloppy Seconds: Jerry Lewis Continues to Hate on the Gays

Video of the Day: Sarah Silverman Makes a Funny

Top 10 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgeries

Here's Why We Want to Eat Cute Things Alive

While You Were Sleeping: The Death of Scrabulous

Video of the Day: Matt Damon Compares Palin's Candidacy to "A Really Bad Disney Movie"

Scanner Highs and Lows: Finders Keepers, Finders Weepers

EXCLUSIVE: Scanner Reveals Minnie Driver's Baby Daddy

I Love Myself For Hating You: The Bourne Movies

Video of the Day: Sarah Silverman Makes a Funny

Regarding Matt Damon: I'll See Your "Eff Yeah" and Raise You An "America, Eff Yeah!'

Regarding Matt Damon: We See Your "Meh," Nicole, and Raise You an "Eff Yeah"