Scanner : marriage proposal

Young Guy Waits In Tree For His Girlfriend To Come Along And Accept His Ring

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:14:00 GMT

You would think the police, parents, and school officials would be thrilled to death by a guy who waits up in a tree in Terre Haute, Indiana for his girlfriend to get out of school. See, he's going to propose marriage and has driven all the way for Michigan or Wisconsin or one of those crazy places and has the ring in his pocket and everything.

What a hopeless romantic, right? "Hopeless" might be the word for it, yes...

According to a variety of bloodthirsty news outlets, a 20-year-old internet dork named Alex Edwards drove down to Indiana from Wisconsin and waited for his girlfriend to get out of school so he could propose. Awww... shucks. As it turns out, his girlfriend is a 14-year-old eighth grader who has been telling everyone she's been trying to break up with this creep for ages. And yes, they've had sex.

Edwards was surrounded by cops by the time school let out and he had this to say about his predicament:

Alex Edwards, 20, admitted he had sexual relations with the girl last August. He told reporters before his court hearing Tuesday he believed the relationship “was the same as like a 26-year-old and a 20-year-old.”

Not quite, Casanova. You're now facing several years in prison, not to mention spending his 21st birthday (Sunday)... in Indiana. Ouch.

Via TribStar.

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

William Zantzinger, subject of the Bob Dylan protest song "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll," died in Maryland of undisclosed causes.

Ian McKellen isn't too upset PBS doesn't have the balls to include the nude scene in their broadcast of his play.

Marilyn Manson is being sued by his ex-bandmate for twenty million dollars. Why do we care? Wait till you hear what Manson apparently spent the band's royalties on...

Bier, otherwise known as Madonna Wayne Gacy, sued Manson for more than $20 million last year, claiming Manson siphoned off millions of dollars in band revenue.

The funds allegedly paid for drugs, assorted Nazi paraphernalia, the cost of Von Teese's engagement ring and the ex-couple's 2005 wedding, and the interior decorating of Manson's mansion, which features a stuffed grizzly bear, a pair of baboons and the skeleton of a 4-year-old Chinese girl. [E!]

Patricia Arquette shilled for PETA.

Sources say pop singer Fergie is getting married this weekend. At last, a wedding the gossip rags aren't going apeshit over.

Kate Winslet said her teenage co-star was "terrified" during their sex scenes together in The Reader. Who can blame him? We'd have made a mess of the whole thing-- repeatedly.

Even though photos prove he was seeing Angelina Jolie on the side while still married, Brad Pitt claims he did not cheat.

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will not resign before he's impeached, even though a committee voted 21-0 to remove him. It's now in the hands of the State House of Representatives.

And Maine is getting the topless coffee shop! Hooray?

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Adorable Children Elope To Africa, Our Heart (Of Darkness) Melts

Ina Maier — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:05:00 GMT

Two German children, Mika and Anna-Lena, who are "very much in love", decided to, you know, elope to Africa. Because it's "very warm there." (They're not wrong.)

So, they snuck out early morning New Year's Day - official witness in tow! (Anna-Lena's seven-year-old sister) - and off they went to the airport.

After a 1km walk to the tram station, the intrepid trio public-transited their way to the Hanover central train station, where some curmudgeon-y guard took notice of their lack of parents, and tricked them into a "free tour" of the police station (yeah, we've heard that one before), and authoritively pointed out that they would not have gotten far without a passport or money.

Oh, really, Mister (or should we say Herr) Policeman?! Ever heard of the currency of LOVE?

Anyway. There's your ill-fated yet adorable love story for the day. Also: Rainbows. And Unicorns. Etc.

[via]

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Serial Killer Husband Has A Lotta Damn Gall...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Drew Peterson killed two of his wives.

As these are only accusations at this point (and barely even that-- the police haven't even charged him with a crime), we could get in a bit of trouble for saying that. But we may have to sacrifice a bit of our own livelihood to wake up this obviously delusional, possible future-victim about to make the biggest mistake of her young life...

An unnamed twenty-four-year-old woman from Bolingbrook, Illinois (if we knew her name, we'd call 4-1-1 and straighten her out, Alec Baldwin-style) is reportedly engaged to Suspect #1, Drew Peterson, whose wife hasn't even been declared dead. This guy's got major cojones-- I thought he was like OJ, searching for the real killer. And hell, at least OJ had the brains not to get engaged during the investigation into his ex-wife's murder.

This guy is one sick individual, God knows what he's capable of doing to his latest early-20's "love." (That's right, his current wife is 24, if she's still alive. How is this guy cleaning up the Illinois-area single women?)

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Why Beyonce Was In No Hurry to Marry Jay-Z

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:03:00 GMT

We may not like her new single, "If I Were a Boy," but we do like the way Beyonce thinks about love and marriage. She married her rapper beau Jay-Z last April, but it was a long time coming... and for all the right reasons.

In a recent interview with Seventeen, Beyonce said she met Jay-Z when she was 18, started dating him at 19, but waited until her late twenties to marry him because...

"I really don’t believe that you will love the same thing when you’re 20 as you do at 30," Beyonce, now 27, told the magazine. "So that was my rule: Before the age of 25, I would never get married... I feel like you have to get to know yourself, know what you want, spend some time by yourself and be proud of who you are before you can share that with someone else."

Now, if she could just apply that same reasoning to pop songs, the world would be a much better place.

[Us: Beyonce: I Was in No Rush to Marry Jay-Z]

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This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 17:53:00 GMT

Meet Ed Young. He's a Baptist minister in Texas and not only does he have an incredible tan, he wants you to have more sex! Young also has a church in Miami, which could explain the tan, but why the sex?

Unfortunately, it's not as exciting as it sounds. Young only wants you to have more sex if you're in a married couple, and then only to your spouse. So the gays and single folk of the world are out. For those who've exchanged rings, however, Young has launched a teaching seminar called "Leaving Lust Vegas" (a title not quite as clever as his book "Rating Your Dating While Waiting for Mating") which encourages couples to have more sex with each other, so they don't go and have it with other people.

"We want to turn whining into whoopi!" said Young. "With the current financial crises, moral debates on marriage, growing divorce rates, and rampant marital infidelity, marriages and families are under siege; there is a lot of whining going on. We want married people to see their bedroom for what it is - a magnet of stability, something that draws them away from the dangerous pull of lust that derails so many couples. We want couples to intentionally walk, even run, toward the marriage bed and away from sin city. By experiencing a sexual relationship the way God intended it, we hope couples will begin to see things with greater clarity. I often say, 'so goes marriage, so goes the family. And ultimately, so goes our decisions and choices in this uncertain world.' I know it is radical, but it's all about building stronger marriages," Young explains.

So, sex is radical, but a sermon titled "Why Gay is Not O.K" is not? What the hell is going on in Texas?

[Religion Blog: Baptist pastor says: "More sex!"]

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World's Fattest Man Marries, Doesn't Eat Cake

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:58:00 GMT

As the weather cools down, everyone seems to get a little blue. All of my friends (and myself) complain that their waistlines expand as the temperature drops. The bicycles go into storage and the idea of getting up to run when it's dark and cold outside is completely unappealing. We crave comfort food. Perhaps some meat on some bread with some cheese on it. Deep-fried potatoes on the side would be nice. They'd be even better dipped in mayonnaise. So, yeah, we're all feeling fat. And perhaps lonely; the colder it gets, the more we want someone warm to cuddle with.

Well, friends, if the world's fattest man—who hasn't even left his bed in six years can get married—you (and I) should have hope that our fat asses won't be all alone in our cold beds this winter.

Yesterday, Uribe married his longtime girlfriend Claudia Solis.

Wearing a white silk shirt with a sheet wrapped around his legs, Uribe smiled as Solis, 38, walked down a flight of stairs wearing a strapless ivory dress, a tiara and hot-pink lipstick.

He later broke into tears as a notary declared the couple husband and wife in a civil ceremony attended by more than 400 guests. For the traditional first dance as newlyweds, Uribe and Solis held hands and swayed to a romantic ballad.

A popular local norteno band played accordion-heavy tunes at the reception, which featured a banquet of meat and buttered vegetables.

Uribe's mother, Orquedia Garza, said the groom steered clear of the five-tier wedding cake.

"He didn't break his diet," she told The Associated Press. "His doctors are here and they are watching him very closely."

Let him eat cake! More to love?

[Yahoo!: World's heaviest man marries in Mexico]

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Scanner Giveaway: "Matrimony"

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 17:33:00 GMT

It's that time of the year again: the time when we start giving you stuff. Actually, we'd probably do it all year long if we had lots of good stuff to share, but we can only give away so many bottles of Astroglide before we all start to get bored. Now, if you'll allow us, we'd like to exercise your mind. We're giving away two copies of Joshua Henkin's "Matrimony," a novel about—what else?—relationships and marriage, which was a 2007 New York Times Notable Book and has recently come out in paperback.

Two of you will win signed copies. We will go buy one... especially after our mom tried to convince us last night that we shouldn't strive for a monogamous relationship—ever—because it just doesn't work.

Click through to find out how ridiculously easy it will be to win your signed copy of "Matrimony" and watch the book's VidLit trailer.

Send an email to scanner@nerve.com with the subject line "Matrimony Giveaway." We'll randomly pick two winners by this time next week, and then books will be in the mail, words will be in your head and our closet will remain full of Astroglide.

[Joshua Henkin]

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Sloppy Seconds: Queen Latifah on Being Gay

Emily Farris — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 21:23:00 GMT

We would absolutely agree that Eminem was the best rapper in "Eight Mile." We even stood up and cheered at the end... but the best rapper in the world? [FadedYouth]

We have a much easier time believing that Halle Berry is the sexiest woman in the world. [Yahoo!]

We're also surprisingly happy that Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are back together; mostly because we know how much break ups suck. [People]

Howard Stern married his girlfriend Beth Ostrosky. [MTV]

Is somebody going to knock Elisabeth Hasselbeck off any time soon? Off The View, people! Off The View! [MollyGood]

"I don't have a problem discussing the topic of somebody being gay, but I do have a problem discussing my personal life," Queen Latifah told Sunday's New York Times magazine. [Us]

Sloppy Seconds: Why is Philadelphia Extra Sunny Today?

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Mister Clean, Mister Clean has died. Rather, House Peters Jr., the first actor to play Mr. Clean is dead at 92. [Yahoo!]

Bollywood is on strike! The world really is coming to an end. [Jossip]

"Can you say 'yes' instead of 'you betcha?" Number 6 on David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp. [Us]

Every once in a while there's architecture (even-book related) that we just don't like. For some reason, this upside-down bookshelf really, really bothers us. [BoingBoing]

Things must be serious between Sir Paul McCartney and his new girlfriend, Nancy Shevell. McCartney took Shevell to his daughter Stella's fashion show in Paris. [People]

We thought we'd never be able to afford property, but apparently we're not looking in the right places. A woman in Chicago bought a house in Michigan on eBay for $1.75. We'll give her $10 for it. [Saginaw News]

We really loved "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" the few times we watched it before we decided cable was a luxury we could no longer afford, so it's no surprise that we didn't know two of the actors were a couple in real life. Did you? Well, they're married now. [Defamer]

The Next Big Star: Marisol Nichols

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 17:26:00 GMT

Thanks to this nude scene in the upcoming movie, Felon, 24 star Marisol Nichols is expected to make the big time...

We just have one problem with her... and it's kind of a dealbreaker for us...

According to boner-killing Wikipedia:

At age 12 she started using alcohol and drugs but has been sober since she was 17. In an interview with AskMen.com, Nichols stated "I remember being 17 and looking around at some of the people that I was hanging out with, and I had this realization that if I didn’t knock this off now it would become my life."

Nichols, a Scientologist, is an active advocate of Criminon and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights. She became a member of Church of Scientology when she was introduced to it by her chiropractor. She currently resides in Los Angeles, California.

Marisol married Taron Lexton in 2008.

Will you forgive her her (fatal) flaw?

Photo via the new Val Kilmer movie, Felon, opening sometime this century. Nichols, meanwhile, is having a baby sometime next month...

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Sloppy Seconds: Woman Who Delivered Baby In Car For VP?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:33:00 GMT

Would you guzzle five kilos of chili-spaghetti for fame and glory? In Ohio?

It's like the 21st century version of that football quiz scene from Diner: the videogamer who programmed his girlfriend's game to propose to her for him when she reached a high score has gotten married.

John Mayer is wisely avoiding dating celebrities, at least for now.

How do you end a two-month world tour in West Palm Beach? If you’re John Mayer, with a beautiful blonde cocktail waitress waiting in the wings. While stealing glances backstage at the striking blonde during his mic breaks, Mayer was definitely in party mode at the packed final show of the tour at the Cruzan Amphitheater...

James Gandolfini got married over the weekend in Hawaii. Strangely, we didn't hear any Fox News anchors attacking him for vacationing in this time of great crisis.

Why didn't McCain pick this woman, who delivered her own baby in her car, for VP?

Smokey and The Bandit star and singer Jerry Reed has died.

Kids in Chicago skipped school... to protest school funding.

Anything Gisele Bundchen does in a magazine is apparently news.

Anything Britney Spears doesn't do in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas.

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Scanner Emily and Scanner Brian Are Getting Married!!!

Bryan Christian — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 14:09:00 GMT

Or... something...

Does it count if you borrow someone else's ring? Let's say... Scanner Bryan's?

FYI Boys: If You Want To Get Some, Get Some Housework Done

Katie Halper — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 21:50:00 GMT

Apparently, nothing turns women on more than a man who knows how to work his own equipment. And nothing brings women more pleasure than a man who takes the initiative and whips out his big, strong, powerful... vacuum cleaner. According to a report published on the Council of Contemporary Families (CCF) website, men who do housework in the home may get more playtime in the bedroom: "Equitable sharing of housework is associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction -- and sometimes more sex too! Wives report greater feelings of sexual interest and affection for husbands who participate in housework."

So boys, If you want to get off, get off the couch, put down the remote, pick up your duster, and get to cleaning. And then, maybe, your wife will put on a French maid outfit and whip out your duster. Sounds like marital bliss to us.

Readers, what do you think? Men who clean: sexy or un sexy?

Photo: Urban Photography: Housework Calendar

Getting Hot on the Ice

Emily Farris — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 19:07:00 GMT

Here's a story to warm your heart on this chilly winter day. Moments after ice skater John Baldwin and his partner Rena Inoue completed their silver-medal-winning routine over the weekend, he got down on one cold knee and popped the question.

Ha. And we thought all male figure skaters were gay.

[People: Olympic Skaters Get Engaged on Ice]

Video of the Day: Reporter Botches Marriage Proposal

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 20:59:00 GMT