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Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Michael Phelps appears to be content to vanish into a haze of canned beer stink and vaporized marijuana in the city of Baltimore, Maryland.

Today, one of his sex partners (we hesitate to use the term "ex-girlfriend," since the only real date they had was a "special value meal" together at Taco Bell), a stripper named Theresa White (we're guessing the 25-year-old Latin bombshell is using an alias) spoke with News of the World about the orgies, drugs, junk food, and best of all, the three-hour marathon sex sessions with the Olympian...

Her scandalous allegations about the multiple-gold winner include:

-she actually picked him up one night when they were drunk at her strip club. She staggered over and asked him if he wanted to take anyone in the club home with him and he said "you" and pointed to two other girls. Eventually, a threesome was arranged, apparently Phelps' first. It's good to be the King Stoner.

-Phelps spends all his money in (illegal?) online gambling rooms, where he hopes to one day become a champion, his new goal in life

-never took her out on a real date, unless you count Taco Bell, which we believe 100%

-hates Spaniards

-had sex with her for more than three hours and "should be given a gold medal for lovemaking," according to White, who also offhandedly mentions she has 34D boobs

-okay, we made up the Spaniards one

-has a harem of at least five or six women he considers "easy lays" in the Baltimore area

-has a major chewing tobacco habit and his house smells like ass-- and not the good kind

Phelps, it's time to clean up your act. There will be many more women angry with you and willing to soil the public image you cherish so deeply...

Via News of the World.

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

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18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

While You Were Sleeping: Mad Men Getting Fired Up

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:53:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering decriminalizing marijuana altogether in California, possibly for budgetary reasons.

One of my celebrity crushes, Bebe Neuwirth, is now married.

Dumber-than-that-Carolina-contestant Miss California is in danger of losing her crown... or so they say.

Mad Men is back in production, with I Shot Andy Warhol's Jared Harris joining the cast for next season.

Gisele Bundchen may be pregnant.

We hate to admit it, but we can't get enough of the President and Vice President doing silly shit like driving to Virginia to eat at a hamburger place with the word "Hell" in its name.

Up until last night, we were in New Orleans, where this man is suing the police for one dollar over his right to wear a skirt in public.

Another reason for 50 Cent to goof on him: Rick Ross keeps his sunglasses on during sex.

And Jennifer Hudson and Rihanna both canceled shows.

Related:

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Top 5 Charlize Theron Sex Scenes

Lisa Rinna Poses For Playboy At 45, Just For the Hell of It

18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

A Pageant for a High Holiday

Colleen Kane — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:30:00 GMT

Today is April 20th, aka 4/20, aka 4:20 Dood! The stoney secret of 4/20 is really out now that the New York Times has written about it.

With everyone else more concerned this year with whether the gays should be allowed to marry or not, marijuana is seemingly sneaking in on the verge of legalization for real this time. And so now more than ever, High Times magazine is celebrating with their annual 420 Party and Miss High Times Pageant, to be held at a secret location tonight.

It was worth checking the party's web page just to see the apparent difficulty a few of the stoners had with this whole "ordering tickets online" process.

Rodger left this phrase as a comment:

there's no other way to pay only credit card

Yes. That's how sales tend to go online. No money orders or I.O.U.s.

Saywhen added:

I second that remark Rodger Dodger! You want me to post my picture too?

Ummm...what? And finally, Matt commented:

Ordered my tix on the 6th of April.. never got em or any information on the location besides the order confirmation.

We bet that Matt probably did get the info and just "spaced it."

Hopefully our challenged partygoers can just follow their noses to the location tonight.

New Yorker Reporter Spends Time the California Way-- High on Medicinal Marijuana

30 Pound Brick of Marijuana Delivered to Wrong Address

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:58:00 GMT

If you drink as much as these characters do, you'll probably start imagining everyone around you is a canine, too.

Five bucks to the first person who figures out what the hell is going on here and where this came from. We'd love to believe somebody's Aunt Edna made this in her trailer with a Bolex camera and 26 of her long-suffering dogs.

(By the way, our favorite inappropriate grope in movie history occurs at about :30 in.)

Via here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Post-Sex Guilt

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

Larry Craig, age four.

Loony Michele Bachman of Loony Minnesota (just kidding, although see above) knows there are exactly 17 socialists in Congress. You know, back in the day, we ran Joe McCarthy out of town with smarter quips than that.

Does your male lover suffer from "post-sex guilt?"

The White House is under attack! By bees.

Ah, yes, another crazy white supremacist with a firearm. Wonders never cease.

Britney Spears had this advice for her audience, generally made up of young girls and their patient mothers: "Don't smoke weed. Rock out with your cocks out. Peace, motherfuckers!"

Controversial (and therefore great) filmmaker Kirby Dick follows up his anti-MPAA movie "This Film Is Not Rated" with a movie that attempts to expose closeted American political figures.

Farrah Fawcett is well enough to leave the hospital.

Just in time for Easter, the Nestle's Chocolate Milk thief has struck again in Congress.

And Sony wants to put its movies on YouTube for free. We'll believe it when we get to the end credits.

While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

Sloppy Seconds: Missouri's Weekend at Bernie's... Two

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:07:00 GMT

Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabble in the Harry Potter movies has been arrested on charges of possessing some magic herbs. [The Inquisitr]

What? More Star Trek? When will it ever end? [Yahoo!]

Remember earlier today when we said we had no idea what was going on with our state of Missouri? It gets worse. The town of Winfield, MO elected Harry Stonebraker to his fourth term as mayor yesterday. Too bad he died a month ago. It should be noted that this is not the first time Missourians have elected a dead man. [SNAFU-ed]

A crew has taken back a U.S. ship from Somali pirates! [NPR]

Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston said this morning that certain members of the Palin family are lying liars and that he sure as hell was living in sin with Bristol. [Us]

Lindsay Lohan may be heartbroken over her split with Samantha Ronson, but Lohan's grandmother is heartbroken over the split-up of the Lohan family. [People]

The Mile High Club Takes On A Whole New Meaning...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:46:00 GMT

Don't worry, passengers were never in any danger on this, an Aeroflot flight. After all, it's not like they're the largest airline in Russia or anything.

Translation (based on a scientific process called "bullshit detection"):

Pilot: Greetings, we are currently elevated at 300,000 feet above the earth's oozing, multi-colored, totally radical crater. Over here, you see the many hundreds of lockers where our employees store their things free of charge, while we continue to charge our passenger $325 per checked bag. And this here is a lovely little mound of hashish.

Cut to: Stewardess rolling a joint with a steady hand. Turbulence comes later, after they've had a few of these suckers. Then she's lighting up, miles above the ground! (Honestly, this can't really be a commercial flight, right? Where the fuck are these people? And aren't they monitoring the controls in case of potential collision or bird attack?)

Stewardess: Nothing, I was just going to tell you I was high becuase no one would ever put this on LiveLeak, so I don't care! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha!

Via LiveLeak.

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

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19th Century Women Stuck a Cork in It

California Introduces Bill to Legalize Marijuana

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:36:00 GMT

The tanking economy has to have some positive results, and this could be one of them. California Assemblyman Tom Ammiano held a press conference yesterday to introduce his marijuana legalization bill, which would decriminalize the cultivation, transport and sale of marijuana and paraphernalia to adults over 21, and levy a tax on all sales at $50 an ounce.

But that's okay, stonies, because they're saying legal pot would cost about half of what it costs now.

A representative from the Board of Equalization estimated that $1.3 billion would immediately be raised by the tax, not to mention the money saved by not prosecuting marijuana users and sellers (and money generated by pot tourists).

Judge James P. Gray put it this way: "The stronger we get on marijuana, the softer we get with regard to all other prosecutions because we have only so many resources. And we at this moment, have thousands of people in state prison right this minute who did nothing but smoke marijuana."

Ammiano said he doesn't think this legislation will sail right through, but it has a better chance now that the tax revenue is so desperately needed.

Related:

Drew Carey Wants to Help You Get Your Smoke On

New Yorker Reporter Spends Time the California Way-- High on Medicinal Marijuana

While You Were Sleeping: The iPhone Crisis

While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bill Gates wants rich people to feel the pain, so he unleashed mosquitoes on them. Really.

"The Impaler," a self-described "Vampyre" who ran for Governor of Minnesota in '06 as the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans party (wha?) candidate, has been arrested for harassing his 16-year-old "vampyre hunter" ex-girlfriend.

Female bloggers in Sweden are fending off a company that's trying to bribe them with "beauty treatments." We'll take some!

Fuck Ticketmaster. Nobody can get Springsteen tickets, and now they want to form a monopoly?

Apparently, New York magazine has great success with linking its readers with its own hooker ads.

There's a new President, the world is constantly moving forward, but as usual, Georgia wants to crawl back into America's Puritan womb.

Kids are hanging themselves in school.

Michael Phelps may end up getting charged with drug possession or some other bong-incident-related offense.

And we always knew Barry Bonds was a cheater, but now we can prove it.

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While You Were Sleeping: Morrissey Gets Naked For CD Sales

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:12:00 GMT

The police used to have a fetish for busting dying dope smokers. Now, they're getting into busting up private dance studios that teach pole dancing.

Here's your daily creep. Today, it's a driving school instructor.

Can you believe Bon Jovi hadn't been inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame? These judges give the state a bad name...

People are afraid to even acknowledge they know who Sasha Grey is-- even after calling her name in public.

Drunk driving is so 2008. How about drunk helicoptering?

Careful when you decide to beat up a guy caught robbing someone's purse-- he may have been in the right.

Morrissey is butt naked!

The Flight of the Conchords are going on tour.

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While You Were Sleeping: Michael Phelps Caught on Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie is doing well overseas-- hey, he has a career after all...

Judah Friedlander weighed in on the Super Bowl... before the game.

Barack Obama's brother was released from jail following a pot posession charge.

The latest victims in the newspaper crash: LA Times staffers.

The latest victims of Sarah Palin's constant white lies: Republicans.

Lisa Loeb is no longer a "#1 single."

This dumbass thinks someone will buy his 867-5309 number on ebay after telling the New York Times it gets hounded with prank calls.

The Transformers sequel had its trailer premiere during the Super Bowl.

Jennifer Hudson returned to the public eye for a dynamite performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.

Michael Phelps was busted by photographer and eyewitnesses getting stoned via "a marijuana pipe" at a South Carolina college party.

And we finally found someone with a more bizarre life(style) than Britney Spears: her ex, the guy she just slapped with a restraining order, Adnan Ghalib.

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Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:50:00 GMT

You'll never guess in a million years what tattoo-covered topless Amy Winehouse is looking at-- and don't say that woman's gigantic bosom...

Amy Winehouse, who flies back to her burglarized home in England today to try to salvage her marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil, spent her last hours in St. Lucia not doing drugs, not stealing drinks from the hands of tourists, not even falling over some frat douche on the beach.

She was playing Scrabble.

Winehouse told the Sun:

But perhaps the recovering junkie’s strangest move is her new love for Scrabble.
"I am trying to think of something clever. No, I ain’t got the right letters for rehab."
Amy’s holiday wasn’t all good clean fun though – she’s regularly been seen drinking and openly smoking joints.
Two weeks ago The Sun printed pictures of Amy crawling up to holidaymakers on all fours and grabbing their drinks after hotel bar staff deemed her too wasted to serve.
She also put on a number of performances for guests in the lobby...

Scanner Emily, looks you'll now have an online Scrabble partner when Parker Brothers finally allows it to start up again...

Via the Sun.

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30 Pound Brick of Marijuana Delivered to Wrong Address

Scanner Matt — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:54:00 GMT

It's reminiscent of the plot to those once "unconventional" 90's love dramas/action movies where fate drops in on a young desperate couple in the form of something illegal that could lead to their financial freedom in a get-the-hell-outta-dodge sort of way, which is inevitably followed by blood and mayhem while we root for love to prevail.

But this story is nothing like that:

...a Denton man discovered Monday when he found a lot of green inside a package dropped on his porch by the men in brown.

The man took the package to Denton police later that night, police spokesman Officer Ryan Grelle said. It contained a 30-pound brick of compressed marijuana with a street value of $10,500. [The Dallas Morning News]

And further proof life is rarely like the movies:

“He was expecting tools that he had ordered from Sears,” Grelle said. “He opened it up and thought, ‘Oh my.’ He loaded it up and brought it to the police department.”

The case is still under investigation.

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Sex And Drugs And Elementary School

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:39:00 GMT

Dear Mom and Dad,

Elementary school is rad! Sixth grade is going to be the best year ever! I got some merry wanna from a friend of mine who played with the ding-a-ling of our friendly neighborhood drug dealer! Isn't she cool?!

Sorry, we had to slip into the cocoon of childhood for a minute there to be able to deal with this story: according to an Orlando TV station, two sixth graders have been caught up in an investigation involving sex-for-marijuana.

Police said on Friday that a girl at a Palm Bay elementary school traded sex for drugs.
Palm Bay police said they want to know where the elementary school student got the marijuana she brought to school. Yvonne Martinez of the Palm Bay Police Department said their investigation is leading to South Florida and illegal sex with a sixth-grader. [WESH]

A bunch of students, probably jealous of all the laughs the kid was having, apparently narc'd on the 10- or 11-year-old boy, who was busted en route to his home to smoke up. He, in turn, narc'd on a classmate, also ten or eleven-years-old, who apparently had sex with a drug dealer to get the weed. Wait, she's so desperate to get somebody else high that she slept with a grown man?

We're all in favor of smoking marijuana (Disclaimer: Scanner/Nerve is not in favor of smoking marijuana), but this is sick. What happened to getting high on household chemicals before moving up to the illegals?

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Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

While You Were Sleeping: Tara Reid Back To The Booze

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Guess who's to blame for the continued conflicted in Gaza? The United States, that's who-- they blocked a UN resolution calling for an end to the fighting. (Not that it would've done a damn thing to stop the assault.)

Have you been buying Pepsi from the Atlanta plant? (First of all-- why are you buying Pepsi?) It turns out they are using illegal Mexican Pepsi.

Marijuana has been decriminalized in ~~Drugachusetts~~ Massachusetts (for the most part) and cops are refusing to hand out tickets because the law is "poorly" written. Now, we've got it-- just start passing laws that sound like they're restricting drugs, but make them so ridiculous, no one can prosecute. This is how we'll sneak past those right-wing nuts who think the War on Drugs is working.

What kind of moron calls 911 to complain that she's driving drunk? A moron who, unlike most, at least knows that she needs help.

Click here to see men with wings fly around mountains. No stinkin' jetpacks for these dudes.

Tara Reid has already checked out of rehab after only three weeks. Think she's cured?

We're not really sure what's up with this case involving a 16-year-old girl accusing a guy of taking nude photos of her in the shower, and the guy's girlfriend, who claims she took the pictures and framed him for the crime.

Gosh darn it, Al Franken is officially the winner of the Minnesota Senate race. Until, of course, the Republicans sue the pants off the guy.

This invention will conserve water by recycling handwash as toilet water. It's better than you think.

And, as you probably know already, John Travolta's sixteen-year-old son died of a head injury incurred while suffering a seizure. Gawker, in a careful, roundabout way, considers Scientology at least partly to blame, saying Travola and wife Kelly Preston "privileged their adherence to Scientology over their devotion to their son."

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Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

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This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Sloppy Seconds: Obama's Brother From Another Mother

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:31:00 GMT

Is Argentina crying for Madonna after she had to postpone a show there? Enh, probably not. [Yahoo!]

We're not the only ones with "sloppy seconds." [MollyGood]

Actor Mark Ruffalo's brother is "clinging to life" after he was shot in the head. [Us]

Duuuuuuuuude. A 2,700-year-old weed stash was uncovered in the Gobi Desert. Wonder if it's still good? [MSNBC]

Amy Winehouse's possibly soon-to-be ex husband Blake Feilder Civil is yet again Blake Incarcerated. [People]

Nintendo has come a long way, from boring old Mario and Luigi to video games with racial slurs. [MTV]

This is Barack Obama's half brother, we think:

[Via Daily Intel]

[Image]

Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A highly-praised Wisconsin high school math teacher has been busted by the cops for giving out weed, shrooms, and coke to his former students at his own house parties. No wonder he received a 4.4 on Rate My Teachers...

Roger "Bring the" Payne, is a 47-year-old teach at Wauwatosa East High School in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin... but perhaps his contract will not be renewed following this unfortunate incident. Payne pulled the classic Boy George bonehead move-- he called the cops about a break-in at his home, where he happened to be in possession of marijuana. Double whoops-- they also slapped him with charges of obstruction of justice and drug trafficking.

Somebody ratted out The Roge... and they will pay. Probably a small fine, that is, since the burglar/rat took nothing with him:

The 21-year-old man accused of breaking into Payne's home tells police he partied with Payne often. He alleges the parties included marijuana, mushrooms and cocaine. The 21-year-old thought it was "wrong for a teacher to be partying with former students."

Dude... you're 21 years of age... it's wrong for you to be breaking into people's homes and then narcing on them to the fuzz. And if you think it's wrong for the teacher to have those parties, maybe you shouldn't have partaken in them and called the authorities a long time ago; you would look like so much less of a douchebag if you did.

By the way, we can speak so authoritatively on these matters because we had multiple teachers in high school who used to get us wasted-- and not on Miller High Life, okay? And although these adult males exhibited questionable judgment with regard to our health and safety, they weren't deserving of losing their jobs and going to jail for multiple years either.

Sorry for the rant. Photo and partial info via TMJ4-TV.

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MySpace Actually Good For Something After All...

12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Sloppy Seconds: Flavor of the Week

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:36:00 GMT

Who the hell wants to steal used sex toys? Oh, right: weirdos.

A drunk driver led police on a high-speed chase and after trying to escape from the scene, somehow running over both his legs with his own truck. You just have to read this one.

Even better: almost two dozen people were arrested for underage drinking at a party celebrating the life of a person who died from... underage drinking.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was photographed smoking pot in front of her house. That's not going to help with her image.

Barack Obama and Sarah Palin will meet (for the first time!) next week.

We can picture it now: the new CBS show "The Psychic Dog." An Ohio police dog bit a man who is accused of dogfighting.

Weirdest concert pairing ever? Jay-Z and Coldplay are teaming up to do three shows in the U.K. next year.

And Scanner Emily herself is the subject of the most recent Flavor of the Week in the New York Press. For the gory details, click here. Personally, we're just glad we were too busy eating casseroles to get caught up in the drama.

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While You Were Sleeping: Obama's Replacement

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:56:00 GMT

A 22-year-old became the youngest-ever World Series of Poker champ.

There will be (yet) another Cheech & Chong movie.

Check out this bizarre photo of Stephen Baldwin and Miley Cyrus... is the tattoo we've heard about real?!

Apparently so:

Talk about random...Miley Cyrus, along with Justin Gaston and her mom, hit a Christian bookstore last night in Tennessee for Stephen Baldwin's book signing. One word: why?

"I'm not exactly sure," her rep said, who's apparently as mystified as we are by this surprise showing. "I know they're friends of the Baldwins."

Stephen showed off an "HM" tattoo on his upper bicep that reportedly stands for Hannah Montana, Miley's hit Disney show. The story is that Miley dared him to get the tat, in exchange for a cameo on her show. [E!]

Tammy Duckworth, who lost 2006 bid for Congress, trails Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. in a public opinion poll that asked who should replace Obama in the Senate. Of course, these polls don't matter, since it's up to the Governor, but interesting nonetheless.

And Jennifer Aniston puts Angelina Jolie in her place-- not without cause, we may add.

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton Expands the Family Empire to Include Brothels

Is 'Page Six' on Miley Cyrus Skank Watch?

Sloppy Seconds: Somebody Should Tell Miley Cyrus She's a Big Girl Now

Leryn Franco Makes Up For Missing Out On The Whole "Nude Olympians Craze"

Say What? Lindsay Lohan Uses The C-Word On Obama

While You Were Sleeping: The Lapdancers And The Prime Minister

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A New England Patriots cheerleader was booted from the squad after Facebook pictures showed her drawing penises and swastikas on a passed-out girl's body.

The New York Times wants you to know that stretching before exercise is actually a bad idea.

And so it begins... check out what this Floridian DJ did to "celebrate" Obama's victory...

Mark Larsen, who is white, dressed in blackface makeup at the start of his show.
“This gives me that Uncle Tom feel,” said Larsen, who also joked about changing his name to Marcus Washington Larsen. “Are you sure this comes off? Because I don’t feel like running for president.”

Before Tuesday’s election, Larsen talked about seeing a long line of black people waiting to vote at a Tampa Bay area polling place, saying they “looked like the line for takeout at Big Tim’s Barbecue” in St. Petersburg. And shortly after putting on the blackface makeup Wednesday, he told a caller he presumed to be black that “You love (America) because you have a man of color going to the White House. Before that, you probably were a malcontent." [Tampabay.com]

Lost in all the election hoopla yesterday: Massachusetts decriminalized marijuana of less than one ounce.

Why do we get the feeling this is going to be terrible? Antonio Banderas may be playing Salvador Dali.

Even these exotic dancers were unable to get the British Prime Minister's attention.

And Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are over... are you reading this, Scanner Emily?

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While You Were Sleeping: The Third Iron Man

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

A while back, we told you about the man in Duncanville, Texas facing trial for operating a swingers club out of his home. He was convicted yesterday of misdemeanor charges that had accused him of operating a sex "business."

Now Playboy is selling off its art collection to help stay afloat.

An anonymous blogger for The Frisky talked about her labiaplasty:

My unruly butterfly wings—otherwise known as my labia—interfered with my sexual activities. Riding a bike for more than 15 minutes? Painful. Camel toe? Obvious. Intercourse? Lube did little to relieve all that smooshing, pulling, stretching, especially when condoms were involved.
And then there were the unsolicited anatomical editorials that I’d received over the years, ranging from the respectfully observant, “You’re very floral,” to the horrifying, “Damn, girl. You got a fat p***y!,” to the complimentary, “Actually, I like it full and lippy ... That’s my thing.”

Obnoxious jerks that we are, we thought only dudes had problems with bike seats. Meanwhile...

This is a very interesting rundown of Senate and Congressional races in the A through H states.

Britney Spears will have her financial and business affairs permanently overseen by Papa Spears.

Michael Caine and Scarlett Johansson will host the Nobel concert on December 11th, featuring Diana Ross, Feist and others.

The Iron Man crew is doing The Avengers as well? Then we're suddenly excited for that one...

And Steven Page of Barenaked Ladies fame is not going to have to do hard time.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Facebook Firing

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:51:00 GMT

It became apparent that a Boston-area football coach was stealing from the school's uniform fund when he made an ATM withdrawal of $500 at 1am while standing next to a strip club.

A teacher in a Daytona-area school district was busted for some sleazy motel sex with her seventeen-year-old male charge.

Miss Louisiana Teen USA lost her title in the most embarrassing way imaginable: for skipping out on a restaurant check (what, they don't pay you enough, toots?) and, adding arrest to injury, leaving her marijuana behind.

David Duchovny filed a lawsuit over that tennis-pro-cheating bullshit story.

We always knew there'd eventual be a news story about some dummy getting busted by their boss for revealing, via a Facebook status update, that they are not actually "sick at home."

[H]e was found out when his boss spotted this Facebook profile update on the day in question, August 21: "Kyle Doyle is not going to work, f*** it I'm still trashed. SICKIE WOO!"

Ha ha, dickweed. Speaking of dickweeds, this guy claimed he was on his way to see Beyonce and that's why a cop shouldn't arrest him for driving like a drunk driver.

A Florida website about politics: "Top 5 reasons McCain could still win." No mention of what our #1 reason would be: "FLORIDA."

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Junior High Teacher Charged With... Oh My...

While You Were Sleeping: Beyonce Is One Sexy Cop

Swedes Get High On Nutmeg, End Up In Hospital For Cake Overload...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:20:00 GMT

We want to thank the Freakonomics blog for informing us that we can actually get high on nutmeg... although the hospitalization part that happened to these Swedish magazine readers is not really part of our agenda this weekend...

Tens of thousands of copies of a Swedish food magazine have been recalled this week after an error in an apple cake recipe sent four of its readers to the hospital with nutmeg poisoning.

The recipe should have called for two pinches of nutmeg. Instead, the magazine went to press telling chefs to use 20 whole nutmeg nuts. That was enough nutmeg for at least four adults to seek medical help for headaches and dizziness.

In large doses, nutmeg is a mild hallucinogen.

Mild or otherwise, it's better than the stuff the guy in 3B has been leaving in our mailbox...

"There was a mistake in a recipe for apple cake..." Matmagasinet's chief editor Ulla Cocke told Agence France-Presse. [ABC News]

Although we're pretty sure none of our readers subscribe, just be warned: the name of the magazine is Matmagsinet.... However, should anyone want to fix us up an LSD cake, as accidentally recommended here, we accept deliveries at the Nerve address all day...

via Freakonomics.

Related:

If Your Date Orders Caviar, Almond-Covered Truffles, And Ginger Beer... Now You Know Why

Gwyneth Paltrow and Mario Batali Are Costars in Randomness

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

Today in Food Porn: The Bacon Bra

Dame Helen Mirren As A Teen: Loved Coke, Date Rape Not So Much

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 18:10:00 GMT

Now that Helen Mirren has been ordained (or whatever it is) as an Order(ly) of the British Empire and has met the Queen that made her super famous, she has really let herself go in interviews...

On date rape:

“I was, yes. A couple of times,” the Oscar-winning Queen actress says in the October issue, recalling her experiences being raped as a youth in London. “Not with excessive violence, or being hit, but rather being locked in a room and made to have sex against my will.”

And while Mirren defended a woman’s right to say “no” at any point, she’s not always in favor of reporting such attacks.

“I don’t think [a woman] can have that man into court under those circumstances,” she continued, “It’s such a tricky area, isn’t it? Especially if there is no violence. I mean, look at Mike Tyson. I don’t think he was a rapist.”

IMDB adds:

she didn't have the courage to stand up to men who wanted to have sex with her. [IMDB]

On her drug use:

Mirren, 63, also admits she took illegal drugs – including marijuana and LSD – as a teen. “I loved coke,” she continues. “I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties.” (She also says she hasn’t touched the drug in more than 20 years.)

“Dope always made me feel miserable and paranoid and unhappy,” she adds. “And I woke up one day and thought, ‘No more of that, thank you.’ ”

On shoplifting: she did it in her "very poor" days and still practices some of that same down-and-out lifestyle: she buys the cheapest sunglasses and cuts her own hair. Wow, can you cut ours-- yours always looks fabulous, Your Royalness.

Helen Mirren's Penchant For Nudity Wins Award That Doesn't Just Exist In Our Minds

Who's Hot For Prostitutes? Dame Helen Mirren

Sloppy Seconds: Dita Von Teese's Lesbian Porno

Cosmo and AskMen in Steel Cage Match Battle of the Sexes

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Pick The Sexiest Woman Over 50

Scanner Highs and Lows: It's All About You, And Boobs

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Spiked Drink

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 21:17:00 GMT

What does it take for gal to file for divorce around here? After 52 years of marriage, the nitwit who married the guy who kept his sex slave daughter in a cage has left him.

Tim Robbins will produce a Showtime pilot starring Josh Lucas. Damn, is Showtime the new HBO or what?

Anderson Cooper may have moved in with his significant other this week...

The Anderson Cooper rumor mill most recently had the flirty CNN anchor dating an assistant to Barry Diller beard Diane Von Furstenberg in the wake of a breakup from 22-year-old JD Ordonez, a marine mammal trainer in California. Now we're told the silver-haired newsman is trying to settle down, albeit with a 24-ish guy, even as he trots the globe to film his upcoming Planet In Peril. A tipster heard from the supposed boyfriend's associates that Cooper asked him to move in and that the boyfriend accepted.

Barney Frank, the gay Congressman from Massachusetts (where else?) is sponsoring a bill to legalize marijuana possession, if the amount is less than, oh, say, 100 ounces.

Speaking of reefer madness: Hype or hilarity? Seth Rogen was asked to leave a "Pineapple Express" after party for smoking dope.

The latest in our continuing series on movies that cannot possibly have a sequel but are going to anyway: I Am Legend.

Good luck with that: Jamie Lynn Spears is getting married.

Starbucks is losing money for the first time in 16 years. We're surprised to be saying this, but we're not thrilled to see Starbucks going down in flames, now that the economy is at least partly dependent on their sales.

Amy Winehouse's Dad says it was a spiked drink that caused his daughter's latest hospital visit. Dude, that chick could sip a Diet Coke and go into convulsions, she's so toxic.

Related:

Pardon Me, But You Seem to Have Some Amy Winehouse In Your Teeth

Topless Seattle Coffeehouse To Take Down Starbucks?

The 50 Sexiest Albums You Must Own (50-41)

New Yorker Reporter Spends Time the California Way-- High on Medicinal Marijuana

Video of the Day: "Pineapple Express" Trailer

Hide Your Cigarettes and Tanning Beds: There's Another Spears Girl in the World

A Test You Cannot Fail: "The What Drug Should I Do?" Quiz

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 16:58:00 GMT

We learned a lot about ourselves (more than we ever wanted to know), thanks to The Legend Auto Group's (huh?) blog entry "The What Drug Should I Do?" Quiz...

Brought To You By Lovers Toy Stores [apparently, we love drugs! - Ed.]

Our full results:

Your Scores
Alcohol:	575
Marijuana:	450
LSD:	950
MDMA:	925
Mushrooms:	550
Salvia:	250
Heroin:	-150
Cocaine:	75

Well, we could've told you we hate hard drugs like heroin and coke, but never turn down shrooms and acid, although we're almost never offered that kind of thing in New York City, home of the most boring drug users on earth, stumbling through parks, all snot-nosed and wobbly. In the country or smaller cities, there's at least some nature, stars at night, and quietness to enjoy when tripping your balls off.

Anyway, let us know how you did: and rememeber, kids, there are no wrong answers... just wrong combinations of mindfucking doses of PCP and opium.

Via Thrillist.

While You Were Sleeping: The iPhone Crisis

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 13:42:00 GMT

Nude and stoned protesters rolled through a small Maine town in a pimped-out truck, complete with a jacuzzi and topless men and women and a man wearing fairy wings and shouting through a megaphone: "We smoke pot. We like it a lot." Predictably, the name of the town is Norway.

Israel's Prime Minister believes he's close to entering into a peace agreement with Palestine. He added that it's a lot easier when you tell them it's a contract for The Amazing Race.

Joss Whedon and Neil Patrick Harris are returning to the small screen. The really small screen.

One of the Golden Girls weighed in on the Presidential race. You can only stop holding your breaths now.

The Who were honored by a bunch of bands that sometimes actually rock hard, including Pearl Jam and the Flaming Lips. We'd still kill to see The Who, while at least two of them are still alive, just once...

We're really proud of Usher. And Nas, too.

Is it wrong to shrug off the death of a middle-aged man from cancer, just because he aided and abetted war criminals? Former Bush press secretary Tony Snow died over the weekend at the age of 53.

According to MTV, Friday's launch of the new iPhone was "plagued by long waits, phone shortages, and activation problems." This is what you get, people, for signing up with AT&T.

Anyone have an iPhone story to share?

Snoop Dogg is a Honky Tonk Angel

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:17:00 GMT

It's no secret that Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson have been smoking it up together for some time now. And it's no secret that we'd really like to get in on that shit. Instead, we'll have to settle for listening to Snoop Dogg's first country single (featuring Nelson), "My Medicine."

Once you get past the beginning (Snoop's references are the equivalent of Willie Nelson starting his first rap song with allusions the Apollo, Tupac and Alizé), the song is pretty catchy... and is exactly what you'd expect a country song from Snoop to sound like.

"Girl my love's gonna last just as long as my high and I'm high all day everyday."

But like Snoop says, "Country music is the most underrated music in the world... It always has the test of time, it's great, it's heartfelt, and it touches people no matter what color they are or where they're from."

True that, Snoop. And your song puts that cheesy Tim McGraw-Nelly duet to shame (even though we have a soft spot in our hearts for it... so we're going to share it with you).

Related:

Video of the Day: Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg Perform "Superman" in Amsterdam

Sloppy Seconds: Whose Album is Snoop Dogg Not On?

Snoop Dogg Went to Molvania and Recorded the Video of Our Dreams

Police Shoot "Drug Dealer" 5 Times, Find No Drugs

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:55:00 GMT

As Congress moves to debate Barney Frank's bill to legalize marijuana for medical purposes, a man in Little Rock, Arkansas is recovering from an incident in the ongoing War on Drugs that left him with five bullet wounds, charges for assault and dealing, barely able to walk, unable to work, and with a bad case of post-traumatic stress disorder. On top of that, all the facts in the case point to his complete innocence...

But that's just the half of it...

Tracy Ingle, 40, was sleeping in his Little Rock home when police with a no-knock warrant barreled through his front door. Instinctively, Ingle reached for his pistol and was promptly shot five times. In the ensuing debacle, police, who had suspected Ingle of running a drug operation out of his house, tore the place apart and found no drugs and no evidence of an illegal operation.

Best of all, Ingle's gun didn't even work-- it was "broken," according to a reporter, showing that he "had no intention of killing anyone." Here's a further list of tragedies that befell Ingle:

1) Ingle was taken from the hospital, where he was in intensive care, and taken to the local police station for four hours of questioning. Again, no drugs had been found in the raid and no drugs ever were found.

2) Ingle was in jail for four days. While in jail, he was supposed to have someone change his wounds every couple of hours. Ingle told the Arkansas Times the wounds were changed twice in the entire time he was locked up, leaving him infected all over.

3) The police claim, however, that a scale and several small bags found in Ingle's house were evidence enough of a nasty drug cartel, and the judge agreed, slapping Ingle with $250,000 for bail. Ingle's sister: Those things are for my jewelry-making business, you idiots.

4) In order to pay that outrageous bail, Ingle was forced to sell his car. He walked two miles on crutches to his most recent hearing.

5) One of the five bullets officers fired is stuck near Ingle's heart and will never be removed.

Currently, the case is at a standstill, with each side lacking the evidence to go after the other. Ingle's defense fell apart recently when his neighbor, who allegedly witnessed the entire incident, caved to police pressure after four hours of questioning and changed his story. Ingle, meanwhile, is attempting to raise money for his defense (and perhaps a possible million-dollar civil suit) by raising money via Paypal.

The War on Drugs rages on...

Read the full story in Reason Magazine.

Website of the Day: 101 Things Every Man Should Know

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:30:00 GMT

We're not sure why these are specifically things a man should know... or if he really needs to learn them at all. (Must we learn how to smoke cigars, for example, if we think people who smoke cigars smell like a barf-filled A train at 4am?)

There are some obvious entries in the WEBook page for "101 Things Every Man Should Know..."

It's Not What But How A Man Does [there are no direct links]

Plan A Romantic Vacation

How To Make Your Place Fit For Female Company

...and some less-obvious, more gender-neutral ones:

How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket

Changing The Tire On A Car

How To Roll A Joint

We're pretty sure we'll never need to know how to fake an orgasm, but WEBook Writer Melissa has other suggestions on this thread, which you should comment on: What SHOULD every man know how to do?

(Also, check out "Looking Good in A Speedo," which we expected to consist of two words ("You don't") but instead, miraculously, goes on for almost 1,100. And most importantly, the site is a work-in-progress and is still accepting submissions. We may write something about Chivalry And Not Expecting To Be Rewarded For It...)

Via 101 Things Every Man Should Know How To Do.

Photo of one of the great gentlemen, Cary Grant, courtesy of Ultra Orange.