Scanner : maggie gyllenhaal

Jake the Beefcake

Colleen Kane — Mon, 11 May 2009 20:50:00 GMT

Jake Gyllenhaal is a good-looking dude, but not in a generic, all-American way (and the same can be said for his sister Maggie). His looks are imperfect, and that works for him (especially in Donnie Darko). But Jake got pumped up for his role in Prince of Persia, and while his new ripped abs will surely do it for some, we just think he looks not Persian and overly muscular.

Do not like.

Footage from an interview with director Jerry Bruckheimer here.

Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

This Week in “Sexy Stuff Jessica Biel Is Up To”

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Facebook

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

The feminist porn awards sounds like a show somebody forgot to e-mail us an invite to.

Real-life lawyers working in Second Life law-- is there anything funnier?

A woman is suing her bank for telling her husband about her secret $150K account.

Question of the day: "If Dick Cheney believes he can prove that torture saved us from terrorist attacks, why does he oppose a full investigation?"

How funny is it that a major movie studio is remaking a movie as fucked up as Videodrome?

Police broke up a drug dealing operation... run by fifth graders.

The Flaming Lips won-- their biggest single is unofficially officially the state song of Oklahoma... or something.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are finally tying the knot next month.

Felony Franks-- the world's most badass hotdog stand.

And Lindsay Lohan may be back together with that DJ girlfriend of hers.

Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

The PETA Empire Strikes Back

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:22:00 GMT

This week, we said goodbye to Scanner Nicole... and a few turkeys, most of which were killed by Sarah Palin's henchmen.

HIGHS:

Newsflash: Kim Cattrall looks great naked. Seriously, though, she's 52.

Nerve hosted another Hendricks Gin party, this time in San Francisco.

Maybe this turkey death story will scare a few people into becoming vegetarians.

Sweden is unintentionally funny.

There's still time for you to win a signed Elton John DVD.

And you can play "Guess The Stache: Democrat or Porn Star?" till the end of time.

LOWS:

Nicole left us, but like the musical career of Jay-Z, she'll be back someday...

Won't someone think of the Gyllenhaal children?

We'll have to think of a Dexter-worthy vigilante justice for upskirt photographers. You know, minus the whole killing and dismembering part of Dexter.

Speaking of pervs, they're lurking outside your local liquor store these days.

Joe the Plumber may never go away.

Oh boy... more turkey death.

Newsflash #2: Chipotle is fattening.

And all the celebrities seem to be getting married behind our backs. Not only are they not inviting us and paying for our airfare, they're not exploiting their own love lives for professional gain anymore!

While You Were Sleeping: The Gyllenhaal Divorce

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

This week, we're blogging from a quiet beach near Clearwater, Florida... so your news will be a bit more Southern and probably a lot weirder...

The government will finally bail out the public, thanks to up to $800 billion in money being directed toward allowing for more loans to consumers. Great, just what we need, more debt.

There's nothing worse than getting busted for being involved in prostitution and having your face plastered all over the local media. Actually, we take that back: there's nothing worse than getting busted for prostitution and having your face plastered all over the world, plus admit to dating a much, much older doorman who won the lottery and buys you expensive things. Yeah, that will go over well with your childhood community overseas.

Kristen Johnston, who took it off for-- what else-- PETA. And she, uh, mounted a house for the shoot...

Cancer is on the decline in the U.S. for the first time in our history. However, some naysayers are saying that the amount of people being screened has fallen as well...

We were a little surprised to see Republican Governor Charlie Crist talking "new taxes" in the paper here yesterday. Of course, the top story today? "Gov. Charlie Crist backs off both [tackling a foreclosure freeze and a cigarette tax] after talking to representatives of the banking and tobacco industries." What a whimp.

Even some elected officials were stumped by this challenging US history and government quiz.

One Florida neighborhood's concoction of choice this Thanksgiving? The Molotov cocktail, of course.

How great does Beyonce look as Etta James?

And Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal's parents are involved in a nasty divorce after 32 years of marriage. Mom is about to go bankrupt thanks to Dad not paying his share of their bills... won't someone think of the children(s' careers)?

Some unlinked stories via The St. Petersburg Times.

Related:

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Sex Crimes Prosecutor Charged With Twelve, Count 'Em, Twelve Sex Crimes

While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Merry Christmas... From the KKK?

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

While You Were Sleeping: What Men Think Women Think Men Want

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: The Top 5

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:17:00 GMT

Today, we conclude our list of the 50 sexiest movies ever made with these five explosive favorites, voted on, in part, by you...

For 10-6, click here.

5. If These Walls Could Talk 2. This sweeping lesbian love saga was a bit too Lifetime Movie Of The Week for our tastes, but the Emmy voters loved it: in addition to giving a Best Supporting Actress statue to Vanessa Redgrave, voters awarded this HBO sequel with three other nominations in leading categories, including Best Made For Television Film. Not only is it a strong and passionate artistic achievement, there are, of course, many sexy moments: from Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams making out in front of a stunned male neighbor to Sharon Stone and Ellen Degeneres exploring every inch of each other. We mentioned this film and the Sevigny-Williams sex scene in an unrelated post on Friday, with the post and NSFW clip here.

4. Mulholland Drive. When we went to a New Orleans Film Festival advance screening of this film, people were leaving the theater in droves about midway through. It took us a minute to realize they were all going to the bathroom to play with themselves thanks to the film's unbelievably sexy love scenes between Laura Harring and Naomi Watts. See below for a teaser or click here for the full scenes.

3. Secretary. This movie could have been subtitled: "Work and other sadomasochistic activities." Maggie Gyllenhaal is spanked, made to crawl on the floor while carrying paper in her teeth, and to fall in love with James Spader. And, more importantly, she enjoys every minute of it. Depsite the ridiculous Sleeping Beauty-esque climax, it's not the least bit surprising this movie rose above the independent pile-on of the early 2000's to become a mainstream DVD smash.

Secretary - Spanking Scene

2. Basic Instinct. Can you believe that some moviegoers were unsure who the killer was? SPOILER ALERT: It was Sharon Stone, you bleeding idjits. On a lighter note, the most memorable nude scene in move history almost didn't happen-- after all, it wasn't in Joe Eszterhas's infamous screenplay. And whenever you see Sharon Stone on TV telling you she didn't know the camera was going to be right between her legs? Laugh. [Very NSFW clip follows.]

Sharon Stone Crossing the Line

1. Sex & Lucia. Several of you suggested this film-- as if we could've left it off in our right minds! A lonely writer's craziest fan picks him up in a restaurant, takes him home, and gives him the best sex a human being has ever had, then stays faithful to him even after his untimely death-- while a guy with a huge dick tries to get in her pants. The sexual energy of this film is so unrelenting, it's impossible to watch alone without taking off your clothes. Watching as a couple? Forget about it. It'll take at least three viewings to get through the whole two hours. We don't want to spoil any of the raunch, so here's a trailer instead:

Honorable Mentions: The Fabulous Baker Boys, Wild Things, Sliver, Sherrybaby, Damage, Fatal Attraction, Last Tango in Paris, The Blue Lagoon, Nine Songs, Miami Vice, Harold & Maude, Indecent Proposal.

Previously: 10-6, 20-11, 30-21, 40-31, 50-41

While You Were Sleeping: The New Robin Hood Movie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 12:59:00 GMT

How Do I Find My G-Spot? and other eternal questions are on i-Village today.

Are you under 13 (and somehow getting away with reading Nerve? You rule!) Then join Club Penguin, the social network site for (pre-)teenyboppers.

It doesn't have a hope in hell of being a true fact, but would it be great if Johnny Depp was cast for this role in the next Batman movie?

..the Riddler?

Headline of the day: Twinsburg police: Scuffle with nude man leads to bomb scare at gas station

The anthrax researcher who may have been harassed by the FBI after the 2001 attacks has killed himself, sources say.

Charlie Crist may be off John McCain's VP list. Too bad for Obama supporters, as a Crist gay scandal would surely have surfaced in October.

Lesbians from New York were in the first wave of out-of-state couples to be married by the Governor of Massachusetts after thenew law passed. Bonus: they have an 11 year old girl. Let's have one on all of them tonight.

Maggie Gyllenhaal wants you to make a video for her. Unfortunately for her, it's not that kind of video.

Talk about egomania and director dementia: the new Robin Hood film starring Russell Crowe as a badass/kind-of-good-guy Sheriff of Nottingham has been delayed because the leaves in the forest are the wrong color. Dudes, it doesn't have to be historically accurate-- Robin Hood wasn't real!

Related:

Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

Sloppy Seconds: Lindsay Lohan's Commitment Ring

Charlie Crist's "Sex Tape" Could Land Him The Vice-Presidency

Johnny Depp and His Penis Will Not Be Shilling Trojans

We Saw The Dark Knight In A Cavernous Movie Theater, During The Dead Of Night

Sloppy Seconds: Lindsay Lohan's Commitment Ring

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 21:28:00 GMT

Tom Jones stole Elvira's virginity! After a nude revue performance in Vegas (this story is too obvious to be true), the future Mistress of the Dark met her idol, Mr. Pussycat himself, who returned the compliment in the sack.

A man who got drunk for eight hours with his pregnant wife is in jail today on assault and domestic violence charges. The pregnant woman who participated in the binge and is dating this suave winner? She won't be charged at all, not even for child endangerment.

Amy Winehouse was involved in another barroom fist rampage. Yeah, another one.

Tatler has the perfect example of why photoshopping and overexposing (?) photographs on magazine covers is always a bad idea. Maggie Gyllenhaal... poor thing. She looked fifty times hotter when we saw her a few weeks ago... in person... in the morning... without makeup.

A thirteen-year-old girl and her caseworker are in trouble in Australia after the worker got her a prescription for the pill. The girl, meanwhile, has been living with her eighteen-year-old boyfriend.

And Samantha Ronson gave Lindsay Lohan a commitment ring. We're hoping it wasn't from the same machines that spit out the Homies.

Lindsay Lohan: Lies My Father Told Me

The Amy Winehouse Comeback Begins...

Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 18:49:00 GMT

You ever see a sex scene that turns you on and repulses you at the same time?

5. Maggie Gyllenhaal in "Secretary." Easily the #1 "Hottest on-screen sex scene" for females on Nerve personals, this would be way sexier for us dudes if Maggie Gyllenhaal was, um, actually hot. Nevertheless, this ends up being nasty in a good way, whereas we're not so sure about the rest of this list...

4. Speaking of Maggie, her whorish manueverings in "Sherrybaby" more than make up for her lack of hotness. The sex scenes in this 2006 indie downer are definitely guilty pleasures, as Jake's sis offers up a quid pro quo blow that turns us on and makes us feel guilty for it at the same time. Here's Gyllenhaal discussing the exhausting process of making the film, as if you care. And because this is what you really want, here are the boobies.

3. "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me"-- remember this one? If you've seen the movie, you already know this refers to Laura Palmer getting nailed in her sleep by a mysterious figure and waking up to find out it's, barf, her Dad.

2. Carrie Fisher in "Return of the Jedi." We realized this when we saw the new posters for Spike's "Star Wars" marathon; Fisher is featured on one of them. It reminded us that seeing her chained to The Blob, i.e. Pizza the Hut, was majorly hot to us from age 8 through 26. Watch a montage here and remember why it gave you a funny feeling you didn't know you could have, way back in 1983.

1. "Tie Me Up Tie Me Down." Even the title of this Almodovar kink classic is erotic. Antonio Banderas, very pre-Melanie, kidnaps the object of his affections and lashes her to the bed. She realizes, partway through her ordeal, that he's Antonio Banderas and that maybe she wanted this after all. Once again, kind of nasty and erotic and repulsive in that "Talk To Her" kind of way (only way less offensive this time), Almodovar has a knack for turning us on and making us question whether we should be getting turned on. (Key line: "The only thing they left alone was my cock.")

Other nominees for nastiest sex scene ever included:

"Storytelling" (heartless, repulsive sex with your professor)
"Requim For A Dream" (2 girls + 1 toy)
"The Piano" (sex with Harvey Keitel in return for Oscar nomination?)
"My Beautiful Laundrette" (only nasty if you're some sort of homophobe who wouldn't normally get turned on by a young Daniel Day Lewis tearing some guy apart just because it's a guy instead of Lena Olin)
Natassja Kinski tied to a bed, having very hot sex, trying to keep her claws from coming out and tearing her boyfriend apart in "Cat People."

Maggie Gyllenhaal Waits for No AMPTP, And Her Hair Does Look Great

Emily Farris — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 14:11:00 GMT

One thing we can say for the writers' strike, it's making for some good YouTube content. So, how do we get the writers paid and keep them writing stuff like this?