Scanner : love letters

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Fight

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

According to Jezebel, the love letter is dead but the breakup e-mail is strong with this generation.

Michelle Rodriguez from Lost flipped out at a wedding-- if you believe this nonsense story.

But what happens when the pants come off? Push-up underwear for men isn't expected to go over big with Croatian women.

The Craigslist Killer may have murdered to help cover his gambling debts. Dumbasses-- don't gamble what you don't have in your bank account or you'll end up like this guy.

If you have a sword and dress like a ninja and are attempting to commit robberies, a dry cleaner is probably low on your list of priorities.

While wife Amy suffered burns on her leg due to... um... "a cooking accident," Blake Fielder-Civil has demanded his lover allow him to take a paternity test.

A woman who works for Fox61 in Connecticut was arrested twice in three hours in the same neighborhood and by the same officer, both times for driving drunk.

The Seinfeld adult film spoof is real... and features the Porn Nazi.

And a 52-year-old stripper, enjoying her first day on the job, was stabbed in the eye by a jealous co-worker.

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Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

We Finally Figured Out Why Marilyn Manson Dumped Dita Von Teese...

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Anderson Cooper's Mom Likes The Dirty Talk

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:16:00 GMT

I, Scanner Brian, used to live in a room in one of the old Vanderbilt mansions-- and let me just say, it was no help in getting laid. What was once a family gem had turned into a wrecking ball-ready hellhole, with peeling paint, nails sticking out of the walls and staircases, windows that wouldn't open or close, and walls that would shake with every passing subway car-- the subway stop being right under my window. Girlfriends who would stay the night early in the romance managed to evade staying over there for up to two years after, despite our continued relationships.

Apparently, it worked wonders for Gloria Vanderbilt-- then again, she probably never lived in that building-- as her new X-rated novel is full of healthy sexual adventures. Vanderbilt, the mother of CNN's Anderson Cooper, is 85-years-old...

Vanderbilt, whose past sexual conquests were Frank Sinatra, Sidney Lumet, and Wyatt Cooper (Anderson's Dad, of course), is out with a book entitled Obsession: An Erotic Tale. At 143 pages, it is, as the Post's Andrea Peyser has already mentioned, "easily read with one hand."

I will begin, softly at first so that you can sleep a few more minutes, the long, slow, delicious process of licking your ----, and since I must have your honey milk . . . I will struggle to stay quiet . . . Master, I whisper as you surrender to our ecstasy."

Dare I suggest to be placed fully dressed over our favorite ottoman . . . That done, placed over your knees, skirt lifted, begging you not to restrain yourself in giving my flesh the serious whacking I deserve. An ebony, smooth-backed hairbrush -- most appropriate. The Mason-Pearson are considered the finest, and it would be no trouble, while you are in London, to pick one up of a heft that pleases you at Harrods.

Ludicrous or luscious? You tell us.

The 85-year-old socialite mom of Anderson Cooper says her X- rated novel, "Obsession: An Erotic Tale," came straight out of her subconscious as she slept. "It was all surreal, and then I channeled it onto pages," she told The Post's Georgett Roberts at the Na tional Arts Club gala for Joyce Carol Oates. The steamy read, first revealed this week by Andrea Peyser, is about "sex on many levels -- emotion ally, mentally and physical as well," she said. "Yes, it's graphic -- it's an erotic novel!"

When we asked Vanderbilt if she still has sex, she let out a long, loud laugh, then uttered, "No comment." [NY Post]

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Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Loving, Naked Tributes to Sarah Palin Just Keep on Coming

Ashley Alexandra Dupre Did Exactly What We Told Her Not to Do

Who Would You Rather? Ashley Alexandra Dupre vs. "Kristen"

An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:26:00 GMT

Sunday School: who knew it was so full of intrigue, sexual innuendo, and topless picture messages sent to 14-year-old boys?

It seems that one Somerset, Texas woman thought those Bible lessons and all that God stuff was mindless drivel and decided to spice things up by putting herself in a very tricky situation. Yesterday, Victoria Ann Chacon, who resigned her job as a Somerset Junior High School math teacher shortly after the investigation commenced, was arrested for sending her Sunday School student some pictures of her boobs. As is always the case in these stories, this idiot perv didn't remind her teenage friend to delete the photos, he left her phone lying around and, somehow, another adult figure flipped the sucker open and... oh my God, my eyes!

Actually, not only did they find nude photos, the boy's parents initially discovered written notes, an ancient art form from before the advent of texting:

The arrest affidavit states the mother of the 14-year-old boy told police she found two love letters from Chacon to her son. The affidavit also says that in those letters, "Chacon professes her love for the teen about how passionate he is, and about how she feels when she and the teen kiss each other."

...but it's of no importance. The point is that even Sunday School teachers are getting on the jailbait action. Will President Obama address this growing crises or will he allow these degenerates to continue to corrupt our young minds by ~~teaching them Christianity and math~~ engaging in appropriate love affairs with them?

More here and here.

Related:

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Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

In the 70's "The Hulk" Could Get You "Almost Laid"

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:27:00 GMT

Jeremy Eaton was 13 years old in 1977 when he sent a letter to the editor of "The Incredible Hulk." The comic book published his letter, with his mailing address (unheard of today!). Later, Jeremy received a letter from the sweetly-named Wendy Wilson—or a pedophile in disguise, but we'd like to think it really was Sweet Wendy, though that name is almost too cute and the handwriting a little too relaxed for a 14-year-old-girl. Either way, Jeremy saved the letter and recently posted it, and his response, on his blog.

Wendy lived in Kingston, Jamaica. Her letter arrived in early August, just a few weeks after I’d first discovered my name and address had become a part of the Marvel Universe. Her envelope, a delicate, soft, airmail blue, cut like a cyclone through my introverted, adolescent existence, spewing a flurry of feminine considerations. She told me of her eyes. Black eyes, she said, with a poetic force beyond her years. She told me of her hair. Black hair, she teased. She told me of her body. Slim build, with lovely shape, she smiled, seeming to literally breathe from the lightly-scented, decorative note paper, stationary that featured an illustration, in the lower left-hand corner, of two Keane-styled children, a boy and a girl, dressed respectively in overalls and a petticoat, tromping barefoot through a pasture of bright daisies. This idyllic drawing was accompanied by a script-written quote: “We’re not the only ones in love… we just think we are”, to which Wendy had coyly added Remember m, remember e, put them together and remember me.
She went on to inform me she was, in no uncertain terms, a very pretty and attractive girl, very romantic and fun-loving. She told me her favorite sports were lawn tennis, table tennis, and basket ball (two words in Jamaica, apparently). She told me her ambition was to become an airline stewardess, “otherwise known as a ground hostess”. She told me that, in her spare time, she would be a singer.

Nearly twelve months my senior, Wendy was, in essence, a fourteen year-old siren, a rock I’d gladly have smashed into, ultimately perishing of starvation, thirst, and delirium. In my already-fevered imagination, one fed on the hyperbole of Smilin’ Stan Lee and the voluptuous curves of Jack Kirby (the curves of his female characters, not his), I saw Wendy calling me onward, urging me to leave my 25¢ vessel, a flimsy, pulp-hewn, four-color yacht held together by staples, to join her, to lose myself in her smooth, brown limbs.

[JWE via BoingBoing]

Kids: Never Compare a Woman to a Tauntaun

Bryan Christian — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:05:00 GMT

We'd say it's generally a good idea to avoid Star Wars analogies in love letters -- too much whining and incest for most people to think it's romantic -- but if we had one specific piece of advice regarding the subject to pass on to the youth of America, we'd have to say: never, under any circumstances, compare a girl to that warm, smelly beast that Han Solo slid Luke Skywalker into at the beginning of Empire Strikes Back. And please, please tell us that we don't have to explain why.

Click through for a prime example of how to terrify a lady, courtesy of the fine folks at Digg.