Scanner : london

Sloppy Seconds: Free Viagra!

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Spring Awakening—the musical that made more than $57 million in the United States and made anyone who went to see it with his or her parents very uncomfortable—is closing in London after only five months. [FlavorWire]

Um, what kind of high school lets the yearbook team publish an upskirt photo? [BuzzFeed]

A new development in the Jon and Kate Plus Eight saga: Jon may not have been the only one allegedly cheating. Apparently, he had long feared that his wife was having an affair with her married bodyguard. [Us]

Ashley Olsen isn't the only woman modeling men's clothing. [AfterEllen]

Could Johnny Depp play Frank Sinatra in the movies? [Vulture]

Elizabeth Edwards will talk about her husband John's mistress, as long as no one mentions her name. [Yahoo!]

Just because you don't have a job, or health insurance, doesn't mean you shouldn't have your Viagra. Pfizer has s unveiled a new program will let people who have lost their jobs and health insurance keep taking some widely prescribed Pfizer medications—including Lipitor and Viagra—for free for up to a year. [Yahoo!]

Related:

Ashley Olsen Takes Off Men's Clothes to Sell Them

It's Not Looking Good for Jon and Kate

[Image]

Lily Allen Swears off Sex, Won't Stop Teasing Us

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Look, we have no problem if celebrities like Lily Allen want to beg off sex for a while-- hell, at least until we come along. If they're going to do that, we just wish they-- meaning Lily specifically-- would stop showing off ~~their~~ her boobs...

Lily Allen gave an interview, released yesterday, announcing she has decided to remain celibate... to improve her music.

Allen often uses her personal life as inspiration for her hits, but admits she is stuck in a creative rut.

Allen, who has previously dated Chemical Brothers star Ed Simons and art dealer Jay Jopling, is currently single but has decided she won't get involved with any more men, as a sex ban with help her focus on her songs.

According to the Sun, she says, "Sometimes it helps. It's good to get out of your comfort zone and test yourself. I'm just going to see how it goes for a bit. I haven't set a time limit or anything." [Ed. note: Our pick in the betting pool: two hours.]

The singer recently admitted she sometimes deliberately sabotages her relationships in a bid to improve her song-writing: "I've actually broken up with boyfriends for inspiration. When I hit a period of not being able to write music, I get up and I walk away. It's pretty mean - but it's true." [SF Gate]

That didn't stop her from stepping out (as they say in the British tabloids) of a London restaurant the other night in this seethrough dress. Lily Allen, please change your crappy music... but don't change your excellent fashion sense. Evidence here:

Related:

TSA Shows Some T&A

Did You Miss The Sex Workers' Art Show Tour?

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

The PETA Empire Strikes Back

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:53:00 GMT

After a huge wave of justified negative press raked PETA over the coals last month, the activist organization has launched an all-out campaign blitch to redirect the attention to animal rights.

The People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, it was confirmed, is guilty of euthanizing 90% of the animals in its care every year. Ingrid Newkirk's group (of mostly white American women in their early 20s) struck back this week with Audrina Partridge, Mike Ness of Social Distortion, and a wave of nudity worldwide...

In Kansas City, Missouri, two girls dressed as cave people and wielded fake human bones to tell pedestrians and passing drivers that fur is for cave people. That annoying asshole from the Geico commercials had no comment. In a Maryland suburb, two bikini girls were photographed cavorted in a tub full of some sort of red vat, parked across from a McDonald's. In England on Sunday, four girls stripped naked and climbed into a skimpy blue makeshift shower to protest (their belief) that eating one pound of meat is as damaging to the environment as six months of showering.

Following that, the group announced punk rocker Mike Ness had joined the movement and Audrina Partridge posed for a magazine ad in far more clothing than she might wear to a memorial service.

Via KC Blog. [Please right-click and set to open in a new tab/window.]

Related:

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Topless Problem

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

FYI, Leslie Out-Nakeds the Naked Cowboy

This Week in Gayness: Fred Phelps Attacks London

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:01:00 GMT

Australia is regressing into the past more and more every day: in addition to proposing a block on all terrorism-related websites (what, they don't have journalists in that country?), they want to block a lot of gay content.

John Kerry wants to reunite a gay couple. The Massachusetts Senator asked Attorney General Eric Holder to bring back a deported Brazilian man who was raped in his home country. A federal judge had said the rape was basically no big deal and he faced no danger in South America.

Rascal Flatts is telling people their new single, "Love Who You Love," has a pro-gay message.

A London elementary school has been teaching students that it's okay to have homosexual feelings and relationships. The best part of this is that when parents pull their kids from the school to avoid them hearing the lessons, the kids are marked truant. Of course, Fred Phelps heard about this and is bringing the Westboro Baptist Church over there to mess with them.

A federal judge ordered the state of Louisiana to put the names of both adopted fathers on a baby's birth certificate.

Chuck Schumer has finally come out... to back same-sex marriage.

And meanwhile, the Vermont Senate turned their gay civil unions into gay marriages. Woo-hoo!

Related:

This Week in Gayness: Aubrey O'Day May Be Gay

This Week In Gayness: America vs. Fred Phelps

Moran Suggests We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

This Week In Gayness: Sean Penn vs. Schwarzenegger

The Gays Fought The Law, Too Early to Tell Who Won

While You Were Sleeping: Ashton Kutcher Needs To Shaddup

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

London is never going to get rid of MJ-- the King of Pop That Was Almost Good Twenty Years Ago added 17 new shows.

All this iPhone app silliness shows that Apple is just as lame as any other company when it comes to letting their customers have freedom of speech.

Iron Man 2 will either be the best or the worst sequel in film history-- there can no longer be any in between. Yesterday, sources confirmed that Mickey Rourke and now Scarlett Johansson have signed on.

It's too bad we don't have Fidel Castro around to seize this bastard's assets.

Bad news, New York City. You might be getting a weiner for mayor.

This moron-- or is it genius?-- thinks a ringtone may psychologically cause a woman's breasts to grow... or something.

It's just part of Scientology's plan to use Katie Holmes in their brainwashing schemes: Mrs. Tom Cruise is launching her own clothing line for impressionable girls.

Ashton Kutcher said "fag," "gay," and the "N-word" in a single Twitter post and, obviously, came off like a complete moron.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Spitzer Scandal Never Dies

Fun With Wikipedia: Mammary Intercourse

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Michael Jackson Announces "Final Curtain Call" Before His Face Implodes

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Michael Jackson Announces "Final Curtain Call" Before His Face Implodes

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:19:00 GMT

A seemingly sane Michael Jackson stood before hordes of screaming fans in London today to announce "that this is it, his final curtain call."

"This," of course, being a tour he's planning for the summer.

Here's hoping his face doesn't implode before July.

Related:

These Celebrities Fell In Love With The Camera At An Early Age

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Oh, Michael Jackson.

PETA Takes On Foie Gras, Valentine's Day, Decency Laws

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:24:00 GMT

Every year, PETA tries to top themselves for Valentine's Day. Since no one surveys the establishments or companies they protest in order to judge the effectiveness of a PETA-led boycott, there's no way of knowing whether these campaigns are having an effect one or another.

However, there's no denying it makes for a popular local news report...

Sometime yesterday, five PETA protesters took off their tops and covered their bosoms with signs reading "Have a heart -- drop foie gras" and stood in read heels in front of Selfridges, an upscale department/grocery store in London. Selfridges has not joined other fancy-schmancy stores in the UK in dropping foie gras from its stock, apparently believing force-feeding terrorist geese is okay as long as they're tasty. Or something. In any case, they basically blew off the protesters, while photographers, locals, and leering tourists snapped photos of the activists.

The BBC, the Independent, and the AFP have the skimpy story, while we have their photos. (Apparently, these were taken on London Bridge, which we thought was in Arizona these days, but whatever...)

Related:

Obama Speechwriter and His Maxim Girl Steam Up the White House

PeTA: Again With Thinking Sex Sells Unpopular Idea

Today's Topless PETA Roundup

Facebook Quickly Becoming the Raging Cesspool MySpace, Friendster Could Only Hope to Be

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 18:48:00 GMT

Have you seen this message on Facebook: "[Friend's Name Here] is in serious trouble!!!"

Most likely, it's a Nigerian scammer talking...

Here's a report from America's most distrusted source of fake news, finally writing about something we care about while it's still happening:

"Bryan NEEDS HELP URGENTLY!!!"
His online friends saw the message and came to his aid. Some posted concerned messages on his public profile -- "What's happening????? What do you need?" one wrote. Another friend, Beny Rubinstein, got a direct message saying Rutberg had been robbed at gunpoint in London and needed money to get back to the United States.
So, trying to be a good friend, Rubinstein wired $1,143 to London in two installments, according to police in Bellevue, Washington.
Meanwhile, Rutberg was safe at home in Seattle.

Beny is such a great guy and a super friend, he's not even furious about his friend having fallen for a phising e-mail or having a weak password, causing him to lose his life savings. He's just glad that he didn't lose his friend Bryan Rutberg.

Several of our friends have changed their status updates to say: "Don't send me money" or "Someone hacked my account-- I'm not in trouble, I'm here at my shit job, as usual." Has anyone else had an experience like this?

Via CNN.

Related:

Enterprising Teenager Amasses Collection of Solicited Nude Photos

Facebook Full of Refugee Pervs From MySpace?

This Kid Is Sooo Wasted...

The Best Sendup of Facebook Yet

Getting in Shape for the New Year? Bench Press a Dwarf

Colleen Kane — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 16:18:00 GMT

I will laugh at many an immature gag, but have never found midget- or dwarf- based humor funny. The whole, "ha ha, they're small, you can make them dress like elves and throw them" never did it for me. With that out of the way, I bring you a nutty tale from across the pond involving little and not-so-little people.

London gym Gymbox at Bank allows patrons to bench-press human weights, ranging from large to, well, little people. Mind you, it's not a gimmick; this method allows the person lifting to visualize the weight. Riiiight. And I'm sure Gymbox' "chav fighting" and "WAG Workouts" (real programs at this gym) aren't gimmicks either.

Working Out With the Naked Cowboy

Sloppy Seconds: Need Something for Your Gym Shorts With Hasselhoff's Face On It?

Image

Sloppy Seconds: Psychology Teachers Getting In On The Student Sex Craze

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 20:17:00 GMT

Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for smacking a woman who insulted her future ex-husband.

The Biggy Smalls biopic Notorious is causing theater owners to freak out. There have been reports of shootings and then this near-riot and outdoor fight has police scrambling for backup.

This may be the coolest thing ever created with Legos...

Obama fever has officially hit Legoland. The Carlsbad, CA, park has modified its U.S. Capitol model to illustrate the historic Presidential Inauguration of Barack Obama. The display opens to the public tomorrow, Jan. 16, and will stay on through Memorial Day. Photos by Christopher Victorio. [SF Weekly]

The latest school sex scandal? Seems a psychologist in Idaho was pissed teachers are getting all the underage ass.

Grandpa... became Grandma.

Previously: people using the inaugural to rent out their apartments on Craig's List for astronomical amounts of money. Now: people using the inaugural to troll Craig's List for random sex. One poster wants you and another lady to join him in his hotel jacuzzi-- don't miss out.

UPS delivers, baby.

A London man is all set to marry his fiancee... unfortunately, she died in a car accident. (No, really, this is a beautiful story.)

And word on the street has it that the documentary on Lil' Wayne is the surprise hit of this year's Sundance Festival. Click here to find out why.

Related:

Boy Wages Internet Campaign To Stop Cussing, With Predictably Hilarious Results

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Teacher Takes In A 13-Year-Old Boy-- You Know What Happens Next...

Who Would You Rather: Hot For Teacher Tournament

14-Year-Old Girl Sold Into Marital And Sexual Slavery For $16 Grand

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Flash Mob Protest

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Here's a program we can get behind: putting the sex back in sex ed.

Kids say the darndest things to Obama. The best one is the kid who says Obama gets to run around like "a maniac" in the Oval Office.

Damn, this Verne Troyer dude has a buttload of sex. Check out the latest story on his escapades:

Troyer, along with one of his randy mates, were at porn baron Hugh Hefner’s Hollywood Playboy mansion in 2005 when he took part in the all-night five-in-a-bed romp with the three gorgeous girls. [He] told News of the World: “I love the mansion and have had some of the best nights of my life behind its walls. I’ve been so many times and it never loses its appeal—but why would it? ...I didn’t just pleasure one Playboy Bunny, I pleasured three. And it doesn’t get much better than that. I watched while they touched each other, then me and my friend joined in. I know exactly how to make a woman feel like a woman. I know the spot, and I’ve got plenty of inches where it matters. I know what women want and it’s me.”

Maybe so, but his vindictive ex says those "inches" are a stretch.

Watch out, guys. In case you didn't know, demanding your wife get freaky with another woman can spell the beginning of the end for your relationship.

Devo is headlining the 2009 SXSW.

Will Bush pardon Scooter Libby and Ted Stevens today? By the way, don't forget that, amidst all this hoopla, today is George W. Bush's last day in the White House, woo hoo!

There was a flash mob protest over the weekend at London's Heathrow airport. If anyone has photographic evidence of the multiple nude incidents, please send them to scanner@nerve.com.

And Terry Gilliam is putting the finishing touches on the final Heath Ledger movie, a job he finds incredibly difficult to push through.

Related:

Mini-Me Makes Up For Size With Stamina In Bed

Golden Globes Worst Dressed: WTF Was Up With The Hair?

And the Critics Choice Award Goes To...

Celebrities Get Drunk Too (Photos, Video)

Colleen Kane — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Celebrities: They're just like us! They get drunk! Only they have paparazzi following them, and then the photos end up on blogs like Scanner.

The above shot is Sienna Miller being helped from London's Groucho Club before continuing on at another club til 3:30 a.m. A few more choice shots of tipsy famous folk have been compiled here.

But somehow we are most charmed by this video of a drunk and slurry Macy Gray from the other night. She just seems like she'd be fun to hang out with.

Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans Join The Mile High Club

While You Were Sleeping: Sienna Miller, Homewrecker

Sloppy Seconds: Sienna Miller Had a Bikini Malfunction, And We Have Pictures

Image: WENN via Bitten & Bound

Londoners Knew How to Drink Us Under the Table

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 20:39:00 GMT

Did you know that in the 1920s, long before Paris Hilton (can you believe there was a time B.S.T.-- Before Sex Tapes--?), London was a hotbed of sexual mania? And you thought Hemingway was having all the fun in Paris and the speakeasies had the best parties in New York.

According to a new book and the following awesome vintage photographs, Austin Powers was too late by about forty years...

According to the WSJ, the above photo is from a "Second Childhood" themed party-- which wouldn't be so creepy if it didn't wind up being a massive orgy:

And for those who think that freewheeling sex and drugs didn't come into vogue until the advent of rock 'n' roll, these bright young people might have said, "Well, my dear, the orgies," before tucking into the heroin and cocaine that were as much in evidence in these circles as face powder. But although this seamy side of the era occasionally protruded into the public view in law courts and coroner's inquests, for the most part what the public heard about was pranks, larks and elaborate scavenger hunts -- outrageous fun, just enough to shock but not to appall the great British public.

The Boston Globe adds in their review of the book, entitled "Bright Young Things: The Lost Generation of London's Jazz Age":

He discusses the group's connections, style, self-image, wherewithal, employment, appetites, proclivities, and most notorious capers and parties. But, in the end, he shows that the element that really made them an entity, that defined and even created them, was the press. Various newspapers took them up in gossip columns (some written by Bright Young Persons themselves) and made of their exploits a continuing saga with familiar, recurring figures chiefly for the consumption of middle- and lower-middle-class readers. A life of a Bright Young Person became, in print, a "faintly sinister frieze, in which quiddity [was] reduced to idiosyncrasy."

Sound familiar? Wonder if your average gossip writer read the above story in yesterday's paper and had a change of heart.

The same Globe article mentions there's also a book out called "The Hell-Fire Clubs: Sex, Satanism and Secret Societies." Sadly, according to the review, it doesn't live up to its title.

The Bright Young People were also -- many of them -- part of a gay subculture that had started at Eton and continued at Oxford. So these pages are filled with charming cross-dressers and men who make up their faces and dither about it: One of them, who became Lord Faringdon in his later years, was described by an irate heterosexual as "a pansy pacifist of whose private tendencies it might be slander to speak." Faringdon once addressed the House of Lords as "my dears," instead of "my lords." This founding of a gay lifestyle seems as political in its way as the controversy over California's Proposition 8 is now. We don't want to do it your way, the Bright Young People seemed to be saying. Look what your way got us into. We want to do things our way and slip into our chiffon. [Washington Post]

Top image via the Boston Globe. Second image via the Wall Street Journal.

Related:

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

The 10 Most Awesome Characters at the 1925 Office Christmas Party

How Would You Rate in 1939?

No, How Would _You_ Rate in 1939?

Super Furry Animals Gather at a London Furry Convention

Colleen Kane — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 16:20:00 GMT

I learned watching Sesame Street that it takes all kinds of people to make the world go around. I also learned watching Sesame Street that sometimes, grownups dress up in animal costumes.

And sometimes grownups with a fetish for dressing in animal costumes all get together at conventions.

Really not sure what's going on in this photo, but some attendees apparently just wear tails. Dabblers in furriness, if you will.

Here's a rather foxy one.

Honestly, this is way weird, but it's just people in full-body costumes, some trying to look sexier than others. Not having seen furry photos before, I had imagined this scene as a little more strange, like, all different color bears dancing around.

Check out more at Bizarre Mag.

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Sexist Sex and the City Ripoff... With A Terrible Twist

Via Boingboing, photos from bizarremag.com

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:15:00 GMT

47% of all public school teachers working in the United States have had sex with a student or another teacher since 1997, according to an informal study we just made up.

And like a halfway scary Dario Argento movie from 1976, it's spreading like a sexual plague to other countries...

The Sutton Guardian reported on two teachers at Carshalton College, a school near London (at least on the world map) who skipped out on a school assembly to have sex in a classroom. Not a big deal, right? The fact that they were caught by a student and reported-- still not a big deal. The fact that they were both committing adultery-- getting warmer...

The real story here isn't that the school sex(ual revolution) phenomenon is invading England, it's that after the teachers were busted the first time, they simply hightailed it across the hall and restarted their shenanigans in another classroom, where they were busted again, this time by a third teacher, who obviously felt he/she was missing out.

A great ending to this story would've been that all three teachers were busted for a classroom menage a trois, although we're confident one of those will turn up soon enough... Great Britain...

Related:

MI Teacher Wants You to Burn the Sheets After Hot Sex

Today's Cradle-Robbing Cutie: Drama Teacher Lisa Glide

Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

Woman Nearly Forced Into Marriage Escapes To Britain

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 00:01:00 GMT

Not all forced marriages (i.e. parent-endorsed sexual slavery) end in miserable lifetimes for brides and/or grooms.

Sometimes, with the help of less ass-backwards friends and judges, bachelor(ettes) actually escape...

Today's story comes to us from Bangladesh, by way of the United Kingdom, the two homes of Humayra Abedin, a Bangladeshi-born doctor who recently graduated from Leeds University. Before she was able to obtain a position in her chosen field, she received news from back home that her mother was gravely ill. Once there, she either realized it was a trap to force her into marrying a local or, somehow and at some point, the family decided to hold her there against her will.

Luckily, Abedin was able to send word to a friend in England that her parents were holding her against her will and asking for help escaping the situation. As more and more people are refusing arranged marriages, the UK has reported a tremendous spikes in these kinds of distress calls. The interesting part is that, for the first time, the courts are siding with the victims.

But campaigners and the government say forced marriage remains significantly under-reported and the problem is more widespread than the figures suggest.
In the most serious cases kidnapping and sexual, physical and mental abuse are involved. In some instances victims have even been murdered. [BBC]

At least in this case, thanks to pressure from the British judicial system, the court in Bangladesh allowed Ms. Abedin to return to London, even scolding the parents and warning them that if they further meddled in their daughter's love life, they would be met with severe punishment. Yay!

Via various wire sources.

Related:

Stewart Goes After Huckabee Over Gay Marriage

Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Boy George is Into Kinky Sh*t, Ain't Too Proud to Pay

When "You May Kiss the Bride" Is the First Kiss Ever It's Apparently "Magical"

And The Bad Sex in Fiction Winners Are...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:18:00 GMT

The British know their sex... which is why they're also qualified to judge the 2008 Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. And this ain't "bad sex" that appears "in fiction." It's bad sex writing from some of the great novels of the year, including John Updike's Witches of Eastwick sequel...

Updike takes the year's Lifetime Achievement Award, while the year's top honoree is Rachel Johnson, sister of London Mayor Boris (what's up with these conservatives, like Bill O'Reilly and Scooter Libby, not knowing how to write sex? Wait, nevermind, we know the answer.)

Based on a cursory search of these books for sex scenes, we found this one from Updike's latest:

She said nothing then, her lovely mouth otherwise engaged, until he came, all over her face. She had gagged, and moved him outside her lips, rubbing his spurting glans across her cheeks and chin. God, she was antique, but here they were. Her face gleamed with his jism in the spotty light of the motel room, there on the far end of East Beach, within sound of the sea.

In a Guardian interview, Johnson is a good sport, while the article's author points out some passages that might have caught the committee's attention:

Johnson was singled out for her novel's slew of animal metaphors, including comparing her male protagonist's "light fingers" to "a moth caught inside a lampshade", and his tongue to "a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop". Literary Review deputy editor Tom Fleming was also disturbed by the heroine's "grab, to put him, now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside".

Just for laughs, here's the 2007 winner, by our good buddy, now deceased, Norman Mailer:

'Are you alright?' she cried out as he lay beside her, his breath going in and out with a rasp that sounded as terrible as the last winds of their lost children.
'All right. Yes. No,' he said. Then she was on him. She did not know if this would resuscitate him or end him, but the same spite, sharp as a needle, that had come to her after Fanni's death was in her again. Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.
The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. it surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.

It's enough to turn you off having sex, let alone just reading about it.

Related:

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: The Top 5

Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

This Week In Gayness: Rise Above The Hate

Sex Crimes Prosecutor Charged With Twelve, Count 'Em, Twelve Sex Crimes

Mom Films Her Boyfriend Having Sex with Her 13-Year-Old Daughter

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Boy Takes Viagra To Survive... A Two-Year-Old Boy, That Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:29:00 GMT

Someone should really get us a subscription to the Sun for Christmas because it has really become our go-to publication for insane and highly unbelievable news stories.

Today, the highly disreputable publication brings us the story of Calvin Muteesa, aged two, who has been taking up to six Viagra a day since he was three months old...

Calvin has pulmonary arterial hypertension, a rare condition which means his blood pressure is dangerously high. This starves his lungs of oxygen-rich blood.
The youngster struggles for breath and his heart has to work twice as hard to force blood to his lungs. Viagra relaxes his pulmonary artery, which carries blood to the lungs, and allows more blood and oxygen through.

Turns out that Calvin only began consuming the anti-impotence drug as a last resort-- a nurse offhandedly suggested it to the boy's mother, who realized that it might help with Calvin's blood flow issues.

Of course, it need not be mentioned that this is not a story that could ever happen in America. Most insurance companies don't cover Viagra (for anyone) and a few pills can run upwards of one hundred dollars by prescription. Universal healthcare anyone?

Via the Sun. Photo via.

Related:

Pamela Anderson's Boobs Did Not Kill Hugh Hefner

If Your Date Orders Caviar, Almond-Covered Truffles, And Ginger Beer... Now You Know Why

Is The GOP Over Yet? A New Poll Seems To Think So...

Caption This: Rod Stewart Thinks He Has Something to Say To You

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 18:52:00 GMT

[Image]

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:51:00 GMT

Because it's real damn difficult to find a picture of a female in a sexy vicar's costume...

The Church of England has barred the Reverend Teresa Davis from practicing her craft for 12 years, following a tribunal that found her to have violated her vows.

The Reverend made the terrible mistake-- not of going to France and participating in a swingers weekend, not of showing up drunk at her church on a Sunday-- rather, for telling everyone she could get ahold of about all of it...

Mrs Davies was said to have told two church colleagues at a Christmas lunch in 2006 that she and her husband had spent holidays without their children in the South of France, in an area that she said was noted for “the casual exchange of sexual partners”.
The tribunal also heard that Mrs Davies, 37, and her husband had posted under the name “Tess and Mick, Daventry” on swinging websites.

Having sobered up enough to have a moment of clarity, Davies told another member of the clergy that maybe she had said too much. And indeed, although she admitted to the whole thing while facing the London tribunal, they were unforgiving.

The tribunal said: “Clergy who commit sexual misconduct have to be dealt with firmly and in a way which would protect those who could be harmed if the respondent were otherwise allowed to remain in ministry.”
It added that she still had no appreciation of the seriousness of the findings against her, or of the damage caused. [Times Online]

Come on over stateside, Reverend. They'll love you in Middle America...

Related:

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Meet 16-Year-Old Missy Quinn and Her £16,000 Wedding Dress

Daily Candy Shines Its Little Penis Light on London

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:04:00 GMT

The London bureau of Daily Candy sent out this email today suggesting its readers might be interested in this penis shaped chandelier.

Is this really a $6,000 "path to enlightenment" or bad wordplay for a big dick?

Close-up after the jump.

We think we'll wait for the $60 knockoff at Urban Outfitters.

[Daily Candy via Jezebel]

Related:

Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch - $600

Pharrell's Anal Sex Chair Makes Us Feel a Little Funny Down There

Video of the Day: That Lady Selling Everything on Craigslist

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 22:06:00 GMT

Barack Obama is up to 364 electoral votes after winning North Carolina. Meanwhile, Oregon has a new Democratic Senator.

Anti-Prop 8 people rioted in the streets of California, which is today the most bigoted, shameful state in the union. Fall Out Boy's Patrick Stump: "It's a real shame people are mixing up their church and state."

Joe Jonas didn't deserve her awesomeness anyway...

Ellen DeGeneres
says on her talk show (airing Nov. 11), “He broke up with you on the phone? That’s not right.”

Taylor responds; “It’s all right - I’m cool. You know what, it’s like, when I find that person that is right for me, he’ll be wonderful When I look at that person, I’m not even going to remember the boy who broke up with me over the phone in 27 seconds when I was 18.”

Ellen was shocked by Taylor’s honesty, saying, “No, you did not. Aw, snap!” [Just Jared]

We can't say we disagree with London's decision to ban smokers from adopting children, although we wish people would spend more time trying to actually get orphans adopted.

We're still trying to figure out why this creep falls so quickly after trying to attack a girl in an elevator, but we're happy watching it over and over again just to see the ass kicking he deservedly receives.

Charlie Sheen denies a report that he was enjoying lapdances recently, perhaps because he has pregnant wife at home.

Evan Rachel Wood finally came to her senses and dumped Marilyn Manson.

While You Were Sleeping: The Trial of Keanu Reeves

Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton Expands the Family Empire to Include Brothels

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 20:57:00 GMT

The plane crash that killed four people and left Travis Barker and DJ AM badly burned appears to have been good for the survivors' love lives. It's rumored that Barker is reunited with his ex Shana Moakler and now, apparently, DJ AM is back together with his old flame, Mandy More. [FadedYouth]

Guy Ritchie is apparently pissed at Madonna for putting their son Rocco in a Yankees t-shirt. (We hate the Yankees, too, Guy). [DailyIntel]

Miley Cyrus' boyfriend was a teenager once, too. Big woop. [Defamer]

Lindsay Lohan has been prematurely booted from "Ugly Betty.: But why? [Jossip]

Gossip Girl's Taylor Momsen has been hospitalized with a "possibly life-threatening throat infection." [People]

Paris HIlton bought a London building she thinks used to be a pirate house, except, it was a brothel frequented by sailors. [MollyGood]

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Playboy Kills the DVD

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:06:00 GMT

Rudy Ray Moore, aka "Dolemite," passed away.

Billy Baldwin's co-star says his wife is a lucky man because Baldwin is one helluva kisser. This is his transsexual mistress-playing co-star, which makes it all the better.

Good Lord, Tom Arnold is absolutely wasted in this video... how ever did it get on the airwaves? Even if those airwaves are over the internet?

Thanks, Elizabeth!

Sorry, Londoners: Paris Hilton is considering a move to your turf.

Gillian Anderson gave birth to her third child.

CNN's breaking news this morning: Americans are angry, stressed. We also just found out that Americans enjoy alcoholic beverages, vehicles, and vast sums of money. Thanks, CNN.

And Playboy has said it will discontinue the DVD in favor of online-only content.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Spitzer May Have Found the Perfect "Sleazy Guy" Job

Scully Wants Mulder To Die Masturbating in "X-Files 3"

Caption This: Paris Hilton Wants You to Want Her

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Cheerleaders Make Sports Watchable Again

While You Were Sleeping: Sasha Grey's Shot At The Mainstream

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:02:00 GMT

Click through to find out exactly what's going on here.

And, as always, your captions are more than welcome.

Via INF:

The Guiness Book of World Records brought London to a standstill today when the world's smallest man, He Pingping, came face-to-err-CROTCH with Svetlana Pankratova, the woman with the longest legs. Cheeky little fella He had the photographers laughing when he took a quick peek up Svetlana's skirt as they posed in Trafalgar Square. But Svetlana got her own back. She sat on He and he ain't been seen since.

More images at INF.

Because That Gorilla Suit Was Just Collecting Dust in Your Closet

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:05:00 GMT

The Great Gorilla Run will take place on Sept 27th in London. It's a 7km course where all runners are dressed as gorillas and the money goes to protecting mountain gorilla habitats in the wild. Sure beats getting your pants gored off by bulls in Spain.

The Josh Hartnett Sex Tape: At Least It Won't Be In Night Vision

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 21:12:00 GMT

The porn site Red Light Entertainment is offering $500,000 for the all-but-proven-to-exist Josh Hartnett sex tape.

Normally, this kind of thing wouldn't interest us... and we almost skipped the story until we read this part:

Adult production company Red Light District is offering $500,000 for the rights to distribute a video of actor Josh Harnett having sex with an unidentified female friend in a London hotel library.
“We are the number one distributors of celebrity sex tapes and we encourage the owners of the tape to bring it to us,” said David Joseph, CEO of Red Light District. “Josh shouldn’t be embarrassed. As we’ve seen with Paris Hilton, these tapes can make a career not hurt it and since Josh is considered a sex symbol, we would expect women to help increase sales.”

And apparently, at least according to this report, it's not all in grainy night vision... but maybe noirish black-and-white?

Gossip reports claim the star of 30 Days of Night and Black Hawk Down was caught on tape with his mystery companion by security cameras at the SoHo Hotel.
"Josh and the girl were getting pretty hot and heavy," a source told the Daily Mirror. "Their every spit and cough was recorded and cringing hotel workers saw all of Josh's X-rated moves."

Is it just us or is this going to be really, really hot?

Via AVN.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Moss Doing Nude Orgy For Music Video

Scanner Highs And Lows: Toplessness On Parade

Does Madonna Have A Sex Tape And Do We Want To See It?

Sloppy Seconds: Just How Good is Mini Me In Bed?

Sloppy Seconds: New Apprentice Set To Be Worst TV Show Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:42:00 GMT

If you're a woman in your late twenties and going to have sex with your seventeen-year-old lover, please don't get drunk first. Also, please don't get drunk with your teenage lover, have sex in a train station, and refuse to leave when you are loudly asked to stop fucking each others' brains out over the public address system...

Despite the operator’’s pleas for them to get dressed and desist, the woman of 29 and her boyfriend aged 17 carried on.

In fact, British Transport Police officers had to drive out to arrest the pair and bed them down overnight in cells - separately - before releasing them with cautions the next day.

The incident took place at 11pm at the Wandle Park stop in Croydon, South London.

Even better, the damn lucky bastards got off with merely a night in jail and a strong British scolding. God bless that country...

In other news:

We still can't get over the fact that a woman is named Brooklyn, is hot, and is now getting married to Andy Roddick.

Joe Francis, founder and douche emeritus of Girls Gone Wild, joins rumored co-stars Khloe Kardashian, Joan Rivers, and Dennis The Menace Rodman at the Big Office In The Sky(scraper) on next season's The Apprentice.

Enough trashing of Canada (people, we were kidding yesterday by the way.)

As of the women of the world's military institutions don't suffer enough: one of their male counterparts has been accused of posting nude photos of his fellow female soldiers on the web.

And Anne Hathaway talks politics:

AP: What inspires you about Obama?

"I was kind of afraid of Obama the first time I saw him. I thought, I've been burned by guys like you before. I've been burned by politicians before that I wanted to believe in and just didn't live up to it. And I was afraid to trust him and I was afraid to have hope when I first kind of became aware of him. It was around the time that he gave his speech on race that I just said 'I can't deny how I feel about you, Barack Obama. I want you to be the president. I want you in the White House.'"

Today In WTF: 1970s Kidnapper, Still On The Lam, Turns Up With Cloned Dogs?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:03:00 GMT

There's a Lifetime movie in here somewhere... if the female leads in Lifetime movies were kidnapping rapist beauty pageant winners who fall in love with Mormon missionaries, stalk them for decades, change their names, go on the lam, and turn up in the news in 2008 as the owner of cloned dogs...

Time Magazine broke a story that shows Bernann McKinney, owner of five pitbulls she claims to have have had cloned in Seoul from the ear of her beloved (now deceased) former dog, to be, with a great degree of certainty, none other than wanted bail jumper Joyce McKinney, the former Miss Wyoming.

There is so much goodness here, you're just going to have to settle for the original, full-length piece, although here's a taste in the meantime:

The 27-year-old McKinney was accused in court [in 1977]... of abducting 21-year-old Mormon missionary Kirk Anderson from a church in a London suburb... [where] he was chained to a [cottage] bed and forced to have sex with McKinney for three days. McKinney, once a Mormon herself, was said to have formed a crush on him after they'd first had sex in '75. Anderson tried to break off the relationship but McKinney... stalked him to England where [he'd become a] missionary to escape her attentions.
McKinney claimed that she was trying to rekindle her affair with Anderson using techniques of seduction recommended by... The Joy of Sex.
McKinney told the court that the chains, fur-lined manacles, rope, chloroform and wedding trousseau complete with "pink feathers and see-through nighties" were all props for the bondage sessions she planned for [him.] "We had such a fun time — just like old times," McKinney told the court in her native North Carolina drawl. "I love him so much that I would ski naked down Mount Everest with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to," she added. Such sexual frankness rather stuck out in a magistrates court in sedate, suburban Surrey, England, in those days.

For his part, Anderson claimed that he'd been kidnapped at gunpoint, forced to have sex while chained to the bed (and twice more unchained), and that, despite being six foot four and 240 lbs., had never resisted. "I had made a plan for my release," Anderson testified, "but it wasn't through running away. I was going to cooperate." Even after his ordeal, when McKinney and May drove him back to London and a long lunch in Trafalgar Square, he still cooperated.

We call bullshit on that last paragraph-- the entire paragraph. Anyway, there is some plausibility to this story; McKinney then went on the run with a friend who was also involved in the kidnapping, ending up in police custody in Atlanta, although she was released because her case was felt to be unworthy of an extradition order. In 1984, McKinney was busted again, this time in Utah, outside Anderson's office, with rope and handcuffs in her car. "Consensual," my ass. Soon after, all traces of her disappear... until...

In Seoul... [she] denied... that she is one and the same Joyce McKinney who is still technically a fugitive from British justice... Both [McKinney and Bernann] are former beauty queens, both often use a wheelchair, both owned a pitbull. And on the voter's register of Avery County, the North Carolina birthplace of the onetime Miss Wyoming, there is listed one Joyce Bernann McKinney. A clone perhaps?

Via Time.