Scanner : kids

Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

[Image]

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 17:08:00 GMT

Last year, a 1992 book about sex for kids, written by Narelle Wickham, was re-released with little notice.

That's all changed now that Focus on the Family has found out it contains positive messages about same sex marriage, artificial insemination, and a whole host of other "adult" issues. Oh, and it's being marketed for toddlers...

One ad for the book describes it this way:

It includes simple age appropriate descriptions of sexual intercourse, donor insemination, In Vitro Fertilisation and Gamete Intra Fallopian Transfer, as well as pregnancy, birth, adoption, surrogacy, and same-sex parented families. A pioneering book when first published to wide acclaim in 1992, this new edition is now printed in full colour and includes updated content.

That's not how Focus on the Family, America's greatest source of disturbing press releases, sees it:

The controversial publication, Where Did I Really Come From?, also features a drawing of two gay men holding a baby, in a chapter about surrogacy.

The publisher's marketing spruiks the book, which includes in-depth descriptions of sexual intercourse, as suitable to be read to two-year-old children.

"It devalues the traditional family unit and at the very least desensitises us," Focus On The Family spokeswoman Deb Sorensen said.

In a chapter on assisted conception, the book tells children: "Sometimes, a woman really wants to have a baby but she doesn't want to have intercourse with a man. Some women want to bring up a baby by themselves, or with another woman, so the baby gets two mums.

"A woman may go to a doctor who will arrange to get some sperm for her, or a special man she knows may agree to give her some of his sperm."

The book was... relaunched by Learn to Include [publisher of books with positive gay characters and messages.]

Learn to Include's website says the book's "simple, non-judgmental explanations of sexual intercourse, assisted conception, pregnancy, birth, adoption and surrogacy are "suitable for 2-12 year olds". [News.com.au]

The best part of this entire book are these lines:

A woman and a man hug and caress each other, and the woman accepts the man's penis into her vagina. After a while lots of sperm come out of his penis and into her vagina.

Of course, the book does not get into what happens when the man cannot make sperm come out of his penis. Because that would be too much for a two-year-old's brain to process.

Med Student Dies From Legal Party Drug

18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

Want A Happy Marriage? Here's the Solution

BBC's Topless Ambition

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Kirsten O'Brien just did a documentary called Kirsten's Topless Ambition for BBC3, which is all about her boobs. More specifically, the documentary discusses the question that has been bugging women in the entertainment industry for years: should I take my boobs out for a wank mag like FHM or keep getting stuck in this Grade-Z TV rut?

O'Brien had been working as the host of a kids show for over 10 years when she took a look around her and realized that all of her female friends in the business were making it big and she was being left behind. As O'Brien told the British press:

"Over the years, it's something I've watched women do, and it's fascinated me.

"Now I'm at a career crossroads and that's the usual point in which women do a shoot, when they say 'I want to get out of kids telly, what do I do? I know, I'll get me swimsuit on and get me la las out'," she says, laughing raucously.

Instead of taking her, uh, "la las out," O'Brien had herself tailed by a camera crew and debacles like this one were captured for posterity:

She dances for the nightclub owner in an attempt to prove she can stop laughing long enough to look good on the podium.

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't go well.

"That was quite interesting! I embraced the challenge of it, there's no point forming an opinion on something unless you've explored it a little bit," she explains.

"The girls I met were lovely too, really friendly and helpful. That's not to say I could do anything by the end of it!

"What's not explained in the documentary is when you see me run upstairs to do my dance for Peter Stringfellow, I've got the most ridiculous tutu on. I was trying to figure out what to wear, and someone said 'Peter's here and he can't wait' so I had to run upstairs, wearing the tutu, but still with with my jogging bottoms on underneath.

"I did want to try properly, I didn't want to mess about, so when Peter started laughing at me I was upset," she continues.

"There was one point when I shouted at him, 'Peter, man, you're not taking this seriously' but he carried on laughing. So much so that I decided to stop.

"I did genuinely try, although it might not look like I did!" [Chester Chronicle]

Sounds like going naked isn't for everyone. Then again, we need some girls-next-door that aren't taking their clothes off to develop crushes on. We can't have all the girls be half-naked because that would take the fun out of wishing they would all get naked.

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Want A Happy Marriage? Here's the Solution

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 15:26:00 GMT

MSNBC has a story this morning on a study of the happiest and unhappiest marriages in the United States. What's the secret? Great sex at 52? Living the high life in Brentwood, with gaggles of friends, cocktail parties, and sleek new cars?

Well, MSNBC isn't entirely sure. However, it reports on an eight-year-long study (you know, an actual study, not a telephone survey that will be disproven next week) of 218 married couples and charted their level of happiness over time. The results will come as no surprise to those pessimistic about the perks of bringing children into the world...

The main point uncovered by the study: 90% of couples reported a huge decline in marital satisfaction due to the presence of a child. This we already knew-- but that suspicion was mainly due to sex and the possible lack thereof after children enter into the picture. This study, however, notes an overall dissatisfaction with the marriage itself after the birth of a baby.

The professor of psychology at the University of Denver where the study originated added that other couples experience a decrease in satisfaction over time, but not nearly as rapidly as couples with children. And yes, we probably suspected as much already.

However:

An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents. Scientists speculate that the problem is partly a modern one, because parents don't get as much help at home as they did in previous generations.
There are key variables to note in the new study.
Couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after the birth of a child than those who lived separately before marriage, as did those whose parents fought or divorced.

The most interesting result we came across noted that those who said kids made their marriage stronger were making more money and had been married longer.

Via MSNBC.

Mel Gibson's Mistress Begins the Obligatory Photo Leak Phase of Her Stardom

While You Were Sleeping: Lara Flynn Boyle Still Getting Naked

Mel Gibson's Wife Comes to Her Senses, Files for Divorce

Sloppy Seconds: Because Breast Milk is Cheaper Than Cow's Milk?

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

HBO is developing a new show called "Women's Studies." And we all know what that means. [AfterEllen]

Author JG Ballard, perhaps best known for his book "Empire of the Sun" is dead at 78. [Yahoo!]

If Pulitzer Prize winners are being laid off, is there any hope for us? [Portfolio]

Tennis star Andy Roddick married his girlfriend Brooklyn Decker on Friday. [People]

Though we never had the fear ourselves, we've always understood why certain kids were afraid of the toilet. Now kids everywhere have even more reason to steer clear of the porcelain sucking machine after a three-year-old got her foot stuck in the handle of one (how that happens we don't know) and firefighters had to rescue her. [Telegraph]

Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo is preggers. [Us]

Food made with breast milk is all the rage these days. Maybe it has to do with the price of cow's milk going up? Anyway, the newest breast milk product is cheese. A recent art exhibit in London featured the product. [APP]

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Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

Cute & Cuter

Colleen Kane — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Cute and Cuter is a simple but great idea for a Tumblr blog: it's just photos of cute guys with other cute things, like animals and toddlers. But for those of us who worked at Naked Man Magazine, it goes to illustrate the challenge of that job that cute is in the eye of the beholder.

For example...

In a few of the photos, we find neither party cute, but we don't want to single them out because they're real people, not celebs. In others, only the guy is cute (we don't care for the yipyip animals).

Some photos are cute only because of the non- (Jonas) boy element.

But some are cute & cuter.

Caption from Cute and Cuter: I cropped the beautiful woman he was with out of this, because this blog is not about cute couples.

Hell yes.

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Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

A new website called "Why the Fuck Do You Have A Kid?"-- is a sort of baffled liberal person's response to Bristol Palin, Jamie Lynn Spears, and the rest of these raised-by-Christian-conservatives teenage moms. Of course, it features disturbing photos that say all we'll ever need to know about their lives.

Some of it, of course, is silly and much of it is patently offensive. A few of the photos, however, need to be laughed at to cover the horror we feel deep down for the babies pictured therein:

This girl doesn't look old enough to conceive a child let alone raise one. The rest fare no better.

While the site is arguably awful, even borderline-worthless, perhaps it will be part of a growing movement of people who aren't afraid to say, "Hey, look, it's great that your teenager wants to bring life into the world, but they can wait five or ten years, since they aren't even allowed to drink when the baby won't stop crying."

A better way to put it might be that the growing acceptance of teen pregnancy by conservative culture (when it isn't an African American teenager whose family is on welfare, of course) has us worried that teenagers will find that there is no longer any taboo about getting pregnant, just about having sex.

Via WTFDYHAK.

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Boob Claw Machine Makes Those Damn Grabby Games a Little More Satisfying, Maybe

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 20:41:00 GMT

If you played the claw grab game at the grocery store or Chuck-E Cheese when you were a kid, you probably ended up about as happy as this little boy and out 50 cents. We never got anything, ever. But maybe we just didn't want the styrofoam-filled teddy bears bad enough. What if we were grabbing for something good, something really good?

[Via Gizmodo]

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While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Dolly Parton has come to rescue Jessica Simpson, although we think it's a bit late for that now.

Mike Myers and Paris Hilton won several insulting awards over the weekend.

Ladies, don't despair: your best sex comes in your forties.

Thanks to this kid, the porn thief has been captured.

Is it better to be unemployed than to have a job in your 20s as an obit writer? In Florida?

Three Westboro Wackos were routed from protesting the Flight 3407 disaster-- and they didn't even need to use violence.

Nicole Richie is pregnant again.

Here's your idiot Republican of the day: a Senator who offhandedly predicted Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be dead within the year.

Although it was snubbed for Best Song (why? why? there were only three song nominees this year!) and, ultimately, a Best Actor statue, The Wrestler won Best Feature at the Independent Spirit Awards. More about the event here.

One of the worst-ever Academy Awards ended last night with Slumdog Millionaire moseying up the podium with its main cast in tow. The big upset was Sean Penn's win for Best Actor, which some are already calling an apology for their Prop 8 votes. (If they wanted to do that, why didn't they vote for Milk for Best Picture? That would have been a much better judgment call, plus Mickey Rourke has never won an Oscar and was almost equally deserving.) To read the complete list of winners, click here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

As Emily would say, with a headline like this, you don't need a story: woman stops bullet with her hair weave.

We saw a surprisingly riveting and ultimately transcendent Leonard Cohen concert last night, his first in 15 years. If you have any interest in seeing him, he'll be at Coachella, as well as a string of U.S. and Canadian venues, in April and May.

A photo of Rihanna taken shortly after Chris Brown's arrest seems to confirm the original, horrifying story. (Note: This is not a direct link to the photo. To do that, click on the word TMZ when you get to MTV's story about the photo-- but don't say we didn't warn you.)

Can Melissa Leo pull off an upset at the Oscars? Can Meryl Streep... or anyone? Seriously, in any category. Surprise us-- Werner Herzog takes the Best Documentary statue... Milk takes the top prize from that enjoyable, predictable, far-from-art picture Slumdog Millionaire.

Speaking of the Oscars, the guy who sells pills to Mickey Rourke's character in The Wrestler has been arrested on a similar charge. Prior to his capture, he rammed three cop cars-- now, that's what we call "roid rage." Har har.

What's worse? Our story about the fifth-grade girl who traded sex with a drug dealer for some of his pot or these kids, busted at the age of eight for heroin possession?

Dita Von Teese lied: she was never celibate after her marriage. We knew all along, from personal experience, of course.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will continue their hiatus, while Simon and Garfunkel are getting back together.

Let's end on a feel-good story for a change. How about these generous and wonderful New Mexicans, eh?

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12-Year-Old Girl Forced To Do Something Horrible At Teacher's Behest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:28:00 GMT

And no, it's not have his baby...

A teacher named Steve Davis at-- here's a name for ya-- Seven Hills Middle School in Nevada City, California has brought his entire school district shame, not to mention a major lawsuit, after what he forced a twelve-year-old girl to do at his request.

Davis has not publicly explained why he forced the unnamed girl to take a pregnancy test that involved giving a urine sample. The school, for that matter, hasn't explained why any nurse in their right mind gave Davis the pregnancy test to give to his adolescent student. And, of course, no one is talking about the case at all, since it's bound to cost the district millions.

Here's the saddest part of all: based on what we've read in various news outlets in California, it seems that Davis heard "rumors" of the girl's pregnancy from a girl who has a history of spreading unsubstantiated rumors about the victim and still he did not dismiss them. Of course, this all begs the obvious question:

Why was Steve Davis forcing anyone, let alone a 12-year-old student, to take a pregnancy test for any reason?

Here's one of the many news stories about the case.

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With Headlines Like These Who Needs Stories?

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:19:00 GMT

If it happened in a Kansas Walmart, you know it has to be good...

Man Arrested For Masturbating In Shawnee Walmart Toy Aisle

The complete story:

SHAWNEE, KAN. - A man was arrested Thursday night after witnesses said he masturbated in the toy aisles at a Shawnee Walmart.

Lt. Bill Hisle with Shawnee Police said employees saw the man in the store on W 65th Street and he was taken into custody.

Did we really even need to bother with those two wee sentences?

Wait! There's more!

Lawrence Man Arrested For Animal Cruelty, Sodomy

Find that story here.

[Fox4 via Plog]

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Today In Embarrassing Headlines: CNN's "Run, Drink, Vomit"

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While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bill Gates wants rich people to feel the pain, so he unleashed mosquitoes on them. Really.

"The Impaler," a self-described "Vampyre" who ran for Governor of Minnesota in '06 as the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans party (wha?) candidate, has been arrested for harassing his 16-year-old "vampyre hunter" ex-girlfriend.

Female bloggers in Sweden are fending off a company that's trying to bribe them with "beauty treatments." We'll take some!

Fuck Ticketmaster. Nobody can get Springsteen tickets, and now they want to form a monopoly?

Apparently, New York magazine has great success with linking its readers with its own hooker ads.

There's a new President, the world is constantly moving forward, but as usual, Georgia wants to crawl back into America's Puritan womb.

Kids are hanging themselves in school.

Michael Phelps may end up getting charged with drug possession or some other bong-incident-related offense.

And we always knew Barry Bonds was a cheater, but now we can prove it.

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This Kid Is Sooo Wasted...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The only time we've ever driven under the influence is after a visit to the dentist. We can't remember why we needed so much "laughing gas" and novocaine (or whatever it was they gave me before, one assumes, jumping my bones and filming it, a la that Seinfeld episode), but in any case, we remember turning on the car and "Mrs. Robinson" coming over the radio. For some reason, this was all of a sudden the funniest song ever recorded, and we began to sing along in a deliberate monotone that made the song sound like William Shatner with a brutal hangover. Then we started up the car and drove home, not remembering how to get there.

This 7-year-old boy got to have that experience, thankfully years before being allowed to drive. Luckily, his father, who apparently has no shame (or fear of being accused of exploiting children for YouTube glory), had promised to record the boy's tooth removal procedure in a kind of "before and after." Don't ask us why he thought the kid wanted this-- it doesn't really make much sense. Anyway, the poor kid is absolutely out of his mind-- veering from lucid blubbering to high-pitched screaming and back again in just under ten seconds.

Also, he is wearing a Florida Gators football t-shirt. That really says it all for us: this took place in Florida, the nation's craziest state.

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"Oh My God, Is My Penis Going To Shrink?"

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:16:00 GMT

MSNBC has a terrifying little advice column called Sexploration that we were recently alerted to.

This week's questions included one of the funniest and most disturbing the website has ever run...

Is it natural for a man, as he ages, for his penis to become smaller? Can anything be done to stop the shrinkage?

When I was in third grade, the school's top female student informed me, with casual sincerity and absolute conviction, that a boy's penis falls off at age 13, whereupon a new, puberty-ready penis, complete with hair and larger testicles, would eventually emerge in its place.

Thankfully, I took her warning with a grain of salt, thinking that at least it would be cool to not have to pee for a time while I waited for my dick to grow back. Had I believed her-- as I should have, given her status as the resident smarty pants-- it may have been a two-year period of terror and constant underwear inspection.

I bring this up because, seeing that question, I had that same momentary panic I suffered at the age of eight: Holy God, isn't the penis difficult enough to deal with without this bit of information hanging over us?

Here's how writer Brian Alexander answers-- in our mercifully abridged version, of course:

Like what, for example? Washing only in cold water?
Penis worry is just another indignity you can chalk up to aging, like asking why weird, wiry black hairs are starting to pop out of your ears and why you can’t drink anything after 7 p.m. and without having to rise at 2 a.m. to pee.
But whether or not it actually shrinks is open to debate. You could try taking a tape measure to your gym’s locker room and measuring penises young and old, but German researchers have saved you from being banned for life by doing the work for you...
You’ll be happy to know that mean flaccid length was actually longer in the older men. Mean erect length was slightly longer in the young men, but barely. Erect width slightly favored the kids.
...but then I asked Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a urologist and editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “I believe that elasticity of the tunica [albuginea] (and thus penile size) decreases with age,” he said.
Well, penises... work better if you keep them working. [MSNBC]

Something to look forward to, dudes: you'll look better when you're unaroused and naked, a state you're more likely to be (unaroused, that is), as the years roll by...

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While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Flash Mob Protest

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Here's a program we can get behind: putting the sex back in sex ed.

Kids say the darndest things to Obama. The best one is the kid who says Obama gets to run around like "a maniac" in the Oval Office.

Damn, this Verne Troyer dude has a buttload of sex. Check out the latest story on his escapades:

Troyer, along with one of his randy mates, were at porn baron Hugh Hefner’s Hollywood Playboy mansion in 2005 when he took part in the all-night five-in-a-bed romp with the three gorgeous girls. [He] told News of the World: “I love the mansion and have had some of the best nights of my life behind its walls. I’ve been so many times and it never loses its appeal—but why would it? ...I didn’t just pleasure one Playboy Bunny, I pleasured three. And it doesn’t get much better than that. I watched while they touched each other, then me and my friend joined in. I know exactly how to make a woman feel like a woman. I know the spot, and I’ve got plenty of inches where it matters. I know what women want and it’s me.”

Maybe so, but his vindictive ex says those "inches" are a stretch.

Watch out, guys. In case you didn't know, demanding your wife get freaky with another woman can spell the beginning of the end for your relationship.

Devo is headlining the 2009 SXSW.

Will Bush pardon Scooter Libby and Ted Stevens today? By the way, don't forget that, amidst all this hoopla, today is George W. Bush's last day in the White House, woo hoo!

There was a flash mob protest over the weekend at London's Heathrow airport. If anyone has photographic evidence of the multiple nude incidents, please send them to scanner@nerve.com.

And Terry Gilliam is putting the finishing touches on the final Heath Ledger movie, a job he finds incredibly difficult to push through.

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Why Are Playmobil Playsets So Damned Crazy?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 22:29:00 GMT

This post will in no way attempt to answer that headline. Instead, we'll simply present you with your weekend kickoff: a series of the most bizarrely hilarious WTF Playmobil playsets, including the one pictured above (okay, that's not real) and the most famous toy of the last three years, the Playmobil TSA Playkit...

Check it out, the Emily Farris Crazy Cat Lady Playset™!

For that last one, the TSA Playset, you absolutely must check out the "rave" reviews of this product on Amazon. If they weren't from so many years ago, we'd do a post exclusively about them right now.

Thank to Kurt for the link.

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Boy Wages Internet Campaign To Stop Cussing, With Predictably Hilarious Results

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Instead of an obvious career in modeling or as a child star, McKay Hatch, a 14-year-old boy in California, decided to start a high school group called "No Cussing." Their pledge caught on, quickly garnering over 100 students. When the internet campaign began, the whole country, including Dr. Phil and Good Morning America, took notice. Their message of clean speech eventually spread all over the world, and peaked recently at 10,000 members.

But then the rest of the internet, the pranksters and redditors and Farkers, decided Hatch's campaign needed some pizzazz...

Go fuck yourself.
What the fuck are you doing?
Bullshit.

These are just three of the many thousands of hate mail messages Hatch has received since the word got out. Pizzas will arrive at his house at all hours, the phone rings all night long with prank callers. Best yet, the porn magazines consistently fill up Hatch's mailbox.

What do you think? Is this kid asking for it-- saying some words are "wrong"-- or does he have a valid issue here?

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Sex And Drugs And Elementary School

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:39:00 GMT

Dear Mom and Dad,

Elementary school is rad! Sixth grade is going to be the best year ever! I got some merry wanna from a friend of mine who played with the ding-a-ling of our friendly neighborhood drug dealer! Isn't she cool?!

Sorry, we had to slip into the cocoon of childhood for a minute there to be able to deal with this story: according to an Orlando TV station, two sixth graders have been caught up in an investigation involving sex-for-marijuana.

Police said on Friday that a girl at a Palm Bay elementary school traded sex for drugs.
Palm Bay police said they want to know where the elementary school student got the marijuana she brought to school. Yvonne Martinez of the Palm Bay Police Department said their investigation is leading to South Florida and illegal sex with a sixth-grader. [WESH]

A bunch of students, probably jealous of all the laughs the kid was having, apparently narc'd on the 10- or 11-year-old boy, who was busted en route to his home to smoke up. He, in turn, narc'd on a classmate, also ten or eleven-years-old, who apparently had sex with a drug dealer to get the weed. Wait, she's so desperate to get somebody else high that she slept with a grown man?

We're all in favor of smoking marijuana (Disclaimer: Scanner/Nerve is not in favor of smoking marijuana), but this is sick. What happened to getting high on household chemicals before moving up to the illegals?

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Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

While You Were Sleeping: Tara Reid Back To The Booze

What Ever Happened to Ione Skye?

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:09:00 GMT

You probably know Ione Skye as Diane Court, the girl who broke John Cusack's heart in "Say Anything." We haven't seen much of her since then, save for a few TV and movie cameos ("Arrested Development", "Fever Pitch", "Girls in Prison"). But Skye has been keeping quite busy in her personal life.

Since her onscreen romance with Cusack, Skye dated Red Hot Chili Peppers' Anthony Kiedis, she married the Beastie Boys' Adam Horvitz, had a kid and even had a relationship with Madonna's alleged former girl toy Jenny Shimizu. She also really loves Barack Obama.

Scanner Brian mentioned this in While You Were Sleeping last week, but over the holidays Skye married her boyfriend, rocker Ben Lee, in a secret ceremony in India.

As New York Magazine's Culture Vulture said: that is all.

While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Is Not A Slut

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye Will Pose Nude (Don't Worry, He'll Keep His Sunglasses On)

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Earlier this week Patrick Swayze was telling us he had two to five years to live. Today he was hospitalized for pneumonia. [Yahoo!]

Tom Cruise's Golden Globes date? Katie Holmes' dad. Weird. [Us]

Uh! You guys! This is so not fair! The media is being way nicer to Caroline Kennedy than it was to Sarah Palin. (Don't take it personally Sarah, it's just that everyone in media has been laid off, that's all.) [DailyIntel]

Nerve alum Will Doig rounds up the year in sex. [The Daily Beast]

Ummmmmmmmm.... [People]

"I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I'll pose naked. I'll break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, of black culture, of American culture," Kanye West told Vibe. We can't say we're not looking forward to that. [MTV]

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

Kanye West On SNL: Can't Sing, Won't Sing

[Image]

Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:25:00 GMT

We've been reading about this story for a few days now, but we were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yes, this story is so shocking, we assumed it was fake, exaggerated, or rife with accidental factual errors or some combination of the three. Unfortunately, though, the Galveston Police Department has not released a plausible denial, so we have to assume that, to a large extent, this is a true story...

Here's what we (think we) know:

1) A 12-year-old African American female is playing in front yard in Galveston, Texas two years ago. Out of nowhere, a van pulls up and three men jump out, call her a prostitute and grab her. When she screams "Daddy, Daddy," they clamp her mouth shut and beat her on the mouth and face. Her father responds to her cries (hero!) and starts beating up the men (not heroes.)

2) The men (if one can call these pieces of shit that) turn out to be police officers. All kosher so far, right? Whoops-- it turns out they were plainclothes cops, didn't identify themselves as police (big no-no, as any boy in blue will tell you), and were supposed to be responding to a report of three Caucasian prostitutes in a different part of the neighborhood. What excuse did these officers provide for seizing on the pre-teen black girl? She was wearing "short shorts." (We'll refrain from making a crack about how all preteen girls would be prostitutes under these guidelines since, well, preteen girls are surely acting more and more like prostitutes these days, anyway...)

3) The girl, who is an honor student, was released and subsequently arrested while in school, where she is an honor student. She was charged with "assaulting a public servant"-- which itself is almost a sick joke, since every word of that charge is a boldfaced lie.

4) No one heard about the case for two years because, quite justifiably, the girl and her family were afraid to tell anyone. An intrepid reporter spotted the ongoing case on a court docket and blew the lid off the whole thing. Of course, the mainstream media are ignoring the story-- probably because the family is poor, black, from Texas, and probably unwilling to cooperate with the obnoxious press. We can't say we blame them, although we hope that this gets major publicity and that all three police officers lose their jobs...

...if this is a factual story, of course.

Related:

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Drug Charges

"Step Right Up! Enter Our Prostitution Raffle..."

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

Back in the pre-Roman era known as the 1990s, dumb kids all over the world inserted vodka-soaked tampons in their vaginas for a serious "contact high" and to avoid being caught with booze on the breath.

The following should disprove any notions you might have about the recent resurgence of the practice among alcohol-crazed teens...

1) Just because you put booze in your vagina, doesn't mean mom can't smell it on your breath. That odor has to go somewhere... and it's not going out your ass. Science tells us that the lungs help expunge the putrid stench of the devil's brew-- assuming, of course, that you haven't resorted to drinking to dull the pain of your marijuana-clogged lungs.

2) Having alcohol inside your vagina is worse for your poon than Ron Jeremy. It can cause the wrong kind of bleeding into the tampon.

3) Indeed, you won't have a woozy stomach, but hopefully that doesn't make you say, "Forget the rest of these red flags, I'll do it!"

4) No one is quite sure if this practice, which is still popular in crazy, backwards countries like Columbia, Brazil, and-- Sarah Palin's favorite-- "Africa," is actually real. Videogum disputes it, saying:

Possibly one person ever did [that], but now like 50,000 stay-at-home moms are going to have "The Vodka-Soaked Tampon Talk" with their kids tonight.

5) As a sociological experiment, you should do that tonight. Seriously, have a talk with your 12-year-old (hell, your four-year-old) about vodka-soaked tampons and report back to us on the conversation....

Related:

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Guitar Hero. Then Guitar Hero: World Tour. And Now: Vagina Hero!

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Caption This: Britney is Keeping Her Kids This Time

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:16:00 GMT

[Image]

9-Year-Old Boy Teaches You How To Pick Up Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:15:00 GMT

And by girls we mean young ones. Or is it older women that the nine-year-old author is hoping for?

Amazon just launched a book called "How To Pick Up Girls" that thankfully isn't written by Neil Strauss. The scribe is Castle Rock, Colorado native Alec Greven, who wrote the 48 page hardcover without the help of a ghostwriter (although the prose is too pat not to have been heavily edited by Collins, the publisher.)

Among Alec's tips:

Comb your hair and don't wear sweats [sorry, Alec, we've met too many losers meeting this criteria who have scored consistently]
Control your hyperness (cut down on the sugar if you have to)

Don't act desperate [indeed, showering girls with compliments leads to them freaking out, as we found out... oh, at about age 27.]

He also warns boys (aged 1-127, we're thinking) to avoid the good-looking broads:

It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry...
The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you.

And girls, the budding writer is currently single, so if you're ~~interested in prison, global shame~~ between the ages of 8 and 11, you could do worse than this charming lil' bastard... although, as another Scanner blogger comments, how long before he goes "from darling to douchebag?"

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Demi Moore And Her Boob Squirt

Canada's Greatest Lover And Seducer Is Also Its Biggest Douchebag

10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

Louisiana Teacher Gets Closer to Student By Sleeping with His Father

MySpace Actually Good For Something After All...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 14:44:00 GMT

Pretend for a minute that you actually still use MySpace and care about its survival.

After a week that ended with the near vindication of the horrible woman who drove her daughter's enemy to suicide-via-MySpace, you'd be forgiven for just wanting Tom & Co. to pack up and shut the servers down. But you might want to reevaluate the validity of the world's #1 social networking hub in the wake of this hilarious "WTF?" story from California. Today's tale involves two pranksters, a creepy teacher, and the beauty of the internet...

In Petaluma, CA, a 34-year-old teacher named Scott Eugene Dietlin has been arrested for trying to get it on with Jackie, a 15-year-old girl. How did he get caught? It turns out that two local kids created Jackie's MySpace account just for fun, and "Jackie" is a figment of their imagination. When Dietlin deigned to send a message to the lovely young girl, he was met with what he thought was playful resistance. In actuality, the two guys were just having a laugh, seeing if this idiot actually kept contacting "Jackie."

When they realized he wasn't going to stop, the heroic fifteen-year-olds called in the five-oh... and when Dietlin showed up for his date... now has to say bye-bye to his job and, eventually, liberty.

MySpace might be good for something after all...

Related:

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Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

Boy Takes Viagra To Survive... A Two-Year-Old Boy, That Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:29:00 GMT

Someone should really get us a subscription to the Sun for Christmas because it has really become our go-to publication for insane and highly unbelievable news stories.

Today, the highly disreputable publication brings us the story of Calvin Muteesa, aged two, who has been taking up to six Viagra a day since he was three months old...

Calvin has pulmonary arterial hypertension, a rare condition which means his blood pressure is dangerously high. This starves his lungs of oxygen-rich blood.
The youngster struggles for breath and his heart has to work twice as hard to force blood to his lungs. Viagra relaxes his pulmonary artery, which carries blood to the lungs, and allows more blood and oxygen through.

Turns out that Calvin only began consuming the anti-impotence drug as a last resort-- a nurse offhandedly suggested it to the boy's mother, who realized that it might help with Calvin's blood flow issues.

Of course, it need not be mentioned that this is not a story that could ever happen in America. Most insurance companies don't cover Viagra (for anyone) and a few pills can run upwards of one hundred dollars by prescription. Universal healthcare anyone?

Via the Sun. Photo via.

Related:

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While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama's Big Move

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Alan Greenspan reveals the man responsible for the grave economic crisis we're facing: it's jazz musician Stan Getz.

Apparently, I, Brian Fairbanks had something to do with that Oregon stripper mayor getting stripped of her duties. We don't understand this link either.

This guy won't be able to accompany his 17-year-old wife to her high school dances...

Five pieces of facial jewelry may be all that is stopping a high school senior from attending any school dances with the 19-year-old man she recently married.
Casey Engstrom, 19, graduated from Hubbard High School in 2007. He has since married Brittany, 17, who is still a senior at the high school. The young couple now lives a stone’s throw away from the high school with Casey Engstrom’s grandmother, but Casey Engstrom will not be permitted to attend any school dances with his new wife. Casey Engstrom has been informed that he is banned from such school functions because of skin-stretching jewelry in his lip and ears. [Link]

Cynthia Nixon got involved in a debate about her kids' school, with video.

Send folk singer Odetta a card-- she's in critical condition in a New York hospital.

A man listed a beat up, useless automobile on e-bay for a few hundred dollars and then all but forgot about it. When the auction closed at well over $200,000, it became clear that the car was only one of six of its kind ever made.

Can someone explain to us why the TRL finale was on a Sunday night? Anyway, it featured a stunning cast of music stars, including Eminem, Justin Timberlake, and Beyonce.

And Barack Obama had a busy Sunday: he resigned his Senate seat, gave the Democratic radio address, and addressed the nation... all on YouTube.

Related:

Oregon Stripper-Mayor Stripped of Power: Let Freedom Reign!

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

It's About Damn Time The World Had a Black Wonder Woman

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

While You Were Sleeping: Nude Photo Hoax

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

Breastfeeding: If You Can Ask For It, You Don't Get To Do It

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:39:00 GMT

Prepare yourselves for the most terrifying thing you'll see all week: an eight-year-old who's just full of love for her mother's fun parts. In her own words, breast milk is better than "a million melons." Mom likes that her daughters breastfeed almost into adolescence because it shelters them from the sad, scary world...while making the world sadder and scarier for us.

We are all for breastfeeding, but someone needs to draw the line when the kid will have breasts herself in a couple years.

Meet your new nightmare: