Scanner : kansas city is in missouri

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

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We Will F*ck You Up at the Air Sex World Championships

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:03:00 GMT

Get your best o-face ready because the Air Sex World Championships are coming to a city near you.

"What is air sex?" you may be wondering. Well, we're sure you've heard of air guitar. Just take away the non-existent guitar and replace it with a non-existent partner and you have air sex.

"[Contestants] pick a song to perform to and then have two minutes to impress the judges with their overall Airness," said Tim League, founder of the Alamo Drafthouse and the Air Sex World Championship. "With their clothes on, typically.

Typically, eh?

Air Sex World Championships tour dates after the jump.

    * Sat 06/06 Austin, TX
    * Tue 06/09 Atlanta, GA
    * Wed 06/10 Washington, DC
    * Fri 06/12 New York, NY
    * Sat 06/13 Toronto, ONT
    * Sun 06/14 Chicago, IL
    * Mon 06/15 Kansas City, MO
    * Wed 06/17 Salt Lake City, UT
    * Fri 06/19 Seattle, WA
    * Sat 06/20 Portland, OR
    * Sun 06/21 Vancouver, BC
    * Wed 06/24 San Francisco, CA
    * Thu 06/25 San Diego, CA
    * Fri 06/26 Los Angeles, CA
    * Sat 06/27/09 Tucson, AZ

What luck that it's happening so close to Scanner HQ on June 15? Just a hop, skip and a jump away from Scanner Emily's apartment at Kansas City's Record Bar. And Being pros at dry humping and having heard the nickname "PT" on the high school dance team (PT standing for pelvic thrust) we're pretty sure we could take home the title of Air Sex Champion. Unfortunately (this is the only time we'll ever say this) we're really sad we have tickets to see Jenny Lewis that night.

[Air Sex World Championships via The Plog]

Hey... Wanna Make Out? With A Thousand People?

I Still Want to Hump Your Leg

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:14:00 GMT

Last week, while we were taking the dog out for a poo, a man standing in the driveway of the apartment building next door said "Can I have your number?" There was no "Hi, my name is...." There wasn't even a "Hi." We wondered in what world he thinks he can approach women like that and actually get the response he wants. Instead of giving him that speech, we just said "no," gave him a disgusted look and gushed over our poopy puppy. Apparently we weren't the only ones wondering what these men are thinking. As the ladies at Jezebel asked, after a New York Times article on talking to boys about sex, how do you keep boys from becoming [::sigh::] "that creepy guy on Nerve?" [Jezebel]

Speaking of dog poo, we're glad we don't have a microphone held up to our dog's ass every time we take him out. Poor Sasha Obama. [Twitpic]

We could listen to Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen and that guy from the BBC read from Harlequin romance novels all day. Especially when Rogen still has a few extra pounds on him. [Videogum]

What can the Kansas City Police Department do to cut costs during these hard economic times? How, how about just eliminating benefits for same-sex couples? That's cool with everybody, right? [Plog]

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what any respectable starlet should do after a break-up: she got half-naked for Maxim. [People]

A fleet (a battalion?) of dolphins has joined the anti-pirate crusade. [DailyIntel]

At long last: Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman has all fourteen of her children at home. [Us]

Girls and Boys and Beer With Mustaches

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 15:58:00 GMT

Friday night we broke free from the confines of our ginormous Midwestern apartment, took the first shower we'd had in days and ventured out to a place we were certain would be stocked with hairy men: a mustache contest hosted by the Ozanam Guild. We were really excited when we got asked to judge, but our excitement quickly faded when we realized we were wrong about the whole plethora of hairy men thing. However, we made a very important discovery: women in mustaches are sort-of hot.

Perhaps there is something in the Kansas City water that prevents men from growing facial hair:

This is the best the men of Kansas City could do. Four men competed in the "real" 'stache contest. The guy on the left won and the guy in the Adidas t-shirt got second place because this was his first 'stache and he was super excited about it. See that guy in the sweater? His facial hair may have been better than T-shirt Guy's but he said he was going to shave it as soon as he got home. Mustache FAIL:

While the mustachioed men had a weak showing, the women of Kansas City let all their hair hang out:

And the women who won rocked these sweet flavor savers:

And of course, we had to rock our own Scanner 'Stache:

Naturally, we suggested the Ozanam Guild have a beard competition next time.

Related:

Kansas City Scanners: Join Me for Some Friday Facial Hair Fun

Three More Days to Pledge in Support of Scanner Bryan's Sweet Sweet 'Stache

Does that Womb Broom Belong to a Porn Star or a Politician?

Kansas City Scanners: Join Me for Some Friday Facial Hair Fun

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

When my friend forwarded me an invitation to a mustache competition tonight, I wrote back, "This is the event I've been waiting for my entire Kansas City life. Okay, really it would be a beard competition, but this is me settling." That might be a little true, but since it's for a good cause, and I don't have any better facial hair going on, I'm heading to the Ozanam Guild's First Annual Mustache Competition tonight.

The Ozanam Guild is a group of young professionals who raise money for Ozanam, a home and school in Kansas City for kids with emotional, behavioral and learning disorders. Your $15 gets you food, drink and all of the Midwestern mustaches your little heart desires (as long as I don't decide I want them first). If you're wearing a mustache, you can get in for $10, and if you, like me, can't grow one, they'll have some at the door. Prizes are promised for the winners of three categories: Best natural mustache, best fake mustache, and best female mustache.

It happens tonight from 6-8 p.m. at the Czar Bar at 1531 Grand. I'll be the redhead with the drool running down my chin (especially since the cute boys in the video I posted above are supposed to be there).

[Ozanam Guild]

Who Are You and What Have You Done With Robert Downey, Jr?

Does that Womb Broom Belong to a Porn Star or a Politician?

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Sloppy Seconds: Missouri's Weekend at Bernie's... Two

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:07:00 GMT

Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabble in the Harry Potter movies has been arrested on charges of possessing some magic herbs. [The Inquisitr]

What? More Star Trek? When will it ever end? [Yahoo!]

Remember earlier today when we said we had no idea what was going on with our state of Missouri? It gets worse. The town of Winfield, MO elected Harry Stonebraker to his fourth term as mayor yesterday. Too bad he died a month ago. It should be noted that this is not the first time Missourians have elected a dead man. [SNAFU-ed]

A crew has taken back a U.S. ship from Somali pirates! [NPR]

Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston said this morning that certain members of the Palin family are lying liars and that he sure as hell was living in sin with Bristol. [Us]

Lindsay Lohan may be heartbroken over her split with Samantha Ronson, but Lohan's grandmother is heartbroken over the split-up of the Lohan family. [People]

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:37:00 GMT

I don't quite understand what's up with Missouri lately. Last year, we elected a Democratic governor while somehow still going for McCain in the presidential election. Here in Kansas City we're trying to recall our mayor and now legislators in my home state want to make sure that women are never coerced into abortion—because if a woman could choose such a terrible thing, she must have been coerced, right? And if you are guilty of coercing a woman into abortion, you could receive felony conviction. Yes, a new bill being passed through the legislature creates the vague crime of "coercing an abortion."

[I]f a woman has experienced threats of having a scholarship for higher education at a public or private institution revoked because she is pregnant; threats of employment discrimination or termination if she continues her pregnancy; stalking, assault or domestic assault. Many of the people with whom I discussed HCS HB 46 & 434 were initially supportive until they looked beneath the surface. The bill would make physicians and anyone assisting them criminals for helping women obtain an abortion "with knowledge" that the woman has been "coerced" and would prohibit the woman from consenting to an abortion as the "victim of a coerced abortion."

Here's an example of this proposed law in action.

Consider a woman who is pregnant as the result of rape who, with her doctor, decides that an abortion is the best course of action. Imagine that rape survivor also mentions to her doctor that her boyfriend agrees with her decision, but has been aggressive with her about it. With HB46, now the doctor must turn the situation over to the government which mandates that the doctor label that rape survivor a "victim of coerced abortion" who "lacks the consent required by law."

Wait, what? Next thing you know, women will be sent to jail for coercing themselves into having abortions. But if they can't manage send us to jail, at least they can go to sleep knowing we're going straight to hell.

[RH Reality Check via Jezebel]

Related:

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Homophobic Phelps Clan to Picket/Pick-On High School Students

Botulism, Abortion, And A Woman's Right To Choose

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Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:33:00 GMT

I may have moved to the worst city—ever!—for dating, but at least it's the manliest based on "the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption." [FatCity]

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is one step closer to switching to an online-only publication. [Yahoo!]

Michelle Obama will be the first person other than Oprah herself to ever appear on the cover of O Magazine. [Us]

What's this about a giant blue wiener in "The Watchmen?" Now we're totally seeing it. [Rolling Stone]

Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle (Rufus) is a daddy. [People]

Believe it or not kids, Scanner Emily here, an athiest, gave up sex (or anything beyond kissing, hugging and a back rub if I can get it) for Lent. Some people are giving up texting. Both would probably be good for interpersonal relationships. What are you giving up, if anything? [Tech-Ex]

When You Care Enough to Give Your Dog $1,300 Fake Testicles (During a Recession)

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:17:00 GMT

“You would assume that with people losing their homes and jobs, the last thing on their mind is buying a pair of fake testicles for their pets."

You can say that again, Gregg Miller.

Miller is the founder of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles, a Kansas City, MO-based company that manufactures testicular implants for your four-legged friends. And by four legged friends, we mean dogs, cats, bulls, really "any pet that is neutered."

Um, why? To make your pet feel like a male again, of course. Or continue to feel like a male. According to the ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles website, the prosthetic balls should be implanted when the real ones are taken out, but in most cases, can be put in years later. You know, if your dog lost that special something since you took away his manhood.

Funny, right? Well, apparently more than 250,000 pets around the world are carrying around a set, and according to Miller, sales of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles have been steady since the recession began. “Folks in California love their pets and are trendsetters," Miller said. "They’d do anything for them, no matter what the economy is doing.”

Oh, Southern California. Riiight.

[Bloomberg via Jossip]

Related:

There's A New Testicle Eating Champion...

**While You Were Sleeping: All Kinds Of Sh*t Went Down, No One Was Injured**

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

Rubber Junk -- THAT Kind of Junk -- Under Attack in Virginia

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My Deflowered Memoir Is Not So Flower-y

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:11:00 GMT

I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. It was less than spectacular.

That is the abridged version of my deflowering. If I were to tell you the longer vesion I might include the part where I left thinking "wasn't that supposed to hurt?"

If I were to write the longer version, I might also submit it to Deflowered Memoirs, a new website (and hopefully book) that shares women's stories of their first times.

Because I was sick with nerves, I wanted to treat him like a sex deliveryman who had come to quickly perform a service…to rid me of this stupid embarrassing leftover of babyhood. Then, he could be off to his next sad and pathetically old virgin client. Unfortunately, he wanted to eat before we got started. So, we went to the local Tasty Freeze, just like "Jack and Diane" of John Mellencamp's teen love anthem, which retrospectively seems ironically appropriate. Energized by burgers and fries, we headed back to my apartment, where I nervously attempted small talk. Thankfully, Mike grew impatient quickly. He clumsily lifted me mid-sentence, pushed me hard against the nearest wall, and shoved his tongue down my throat. "It's beginning" I thought with relief as he carried me to my room, threw me on the bed, disrobed me and deflowered me. There was no pain, no blood. I even had an orgasm thanks to his "cunning linguistics." About five minutes in to the experience I thought, “this is so not a big deal. What the fuck was I worried about?” Nevertheless, when it was over, I prayed for him to leave. I didn't want to be bothered with a post-coital intimacy that didn't exist. Thankfully, he did; and I quickly called Jackie to tell her all about the experience. Then, I made a list of other boys I wanted to "hang out" with now that the virginity monkey was off my back. But, before moving on to that list, I decided to travel north to Indianapolis to perfect my skills with Mike the following weekend…and the weekend after that, and the one after that…and then all hell broke loose...and I realized that perhaps sex wasn't as perfectly simple as I wanted it to be.

That's an excerpt from creator Abby Kincaid's memoir. But it sure does sound a lot like ours.

[Deflowered Memoirs]

Related:

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Virginity Auction: Now How Much Would You Pay?

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

We're Just Not That Into... The Outdoor Lovemap

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:28:00 GMT

The Outdoor Lovemap is the "international guide to places to make love outdoors." Unfortunately, "international" does not equal "ultimate." While it's a good idea in theory, it's a little, uh, sparse. When we typed in our zip code, the closest result was the St. Louis Zoo, which is, like, 250 miles away. But we can think of plenty of beautiful outdoor spaces within walking distance where we could make sexy time. We'll stick with the map that at least helps us find someone to hook up with and take care of finding a place to do it on our own.

Related:

What's (Er Who's) Going Down In Your Hood?

Teenage Sexual Awakening Via Google Maps and Polaroids

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Life Imitates Art, Minus the Thong

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:15:00 GMT

Scanner Emily here. One of my conditions for moving back to Kansas City was that I would not become a fat Midwesterner (others involved not getting knocked up or becoming addicted to meth). To make sure that didn't happen, I signed up for Boot Camp—three very early mornings a week I work out very hard while a very small woman yells very loudly. She also plays music, generally a mix of 80's, 90's and a bunch of super-contemporary stuff I've never heard. But imagine my excitement when this song came on today—while I was working out!

No one else in the class could understand why I worked out a lot harder while this played.

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Having a Healthy Vagina Does Not Involve Exercise

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Hey Fellas: Let Me See That Trowel Roll!

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Why Didn't We Think of That?: The Sex and Violence Shop

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:49:00 GMT

Kansas Citians may be shy about sex, but anyone who's ever watched an episode of C.O.P.S. can tell you we have no shame when it comes to violence. (Remember the guy who bludgeoned a rare seagull while vacationing in California?) Now the geniuses at K.C.'s Erotic City have found a way to lure unsuspecting locals into their oh-so-scandalous sex shop.

The store has started selling weapons!

A rogue reporter for the local alt-weekly recently paid a visit to Erotic City:

"It turns out the rumors are true. Immediately upon entering the shop, there's a glass case full of swords, hunting knives, nunchucks (we think), and what looks like a scythe with a really short handle. Damn. There's also a rifle that fires far less deadly little plastic pellets. This is all separate from the dildos and rubber vaginas."

It's also separate from the fake pee.

Classy!

[Plog: Erotic City sells silent death]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Woman Attacked With Ghetto-Ass Dildo

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Kansas Citians like to eat. Case in point:

A Kansas City man and his wife were enjoying some ice cream during their Laguna Beach vacation, when, according to the man, two gulls attacked the couple by knocking their ice cream to the ground and then peck, peck, peck, peck, pecking at the man. He said he had no choice but to defend himself against the birds by picking up a stick and beating the fucking life out of them. Well, one of them. The other bird flew off into the sea and hasn't been found. (Read: it flew into the sea to die).

While the loss of any life is, of course, sad, they're just seagulls, right? Right? Nope. Those weren't just any birds the man bludgeoned.

They were, apparently, of a rare breed and now the man, Dragan Djuric, is facing animal cruelty charges.

"That's right," said a Laguna Beach police officer. "He was very upset about spending money for ice cream he didn't get to consume."

Kansas City! Fuck yeah!

In the man's defense, the local Audubon Society said the gulls were a very aggressive breed.

Watch this local reporter re-enact the entire thing while holding onto the weapon, which is still sporting the evidence tag.

[CBS2 via Plog]

Related:

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

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So, exactly how much Visine would it take to kill one's husband?

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:59:00 GMT

Who ever said there's nothing happening in Missouri?

A woman just a couple hundred miles south of Scanner HQ is sitting in the big house after trying to kill her husband... with Visine!

Tonia Peterson is accused of trying to kill her husband, Cecil Peterson, by spiking his tea with Visine eye drops.

The article leaves many unanswered questions. We'll call Scanner Dad, who also lives in Southwestern Missouri, to see if he maybe knows the guy.

We just wish Tonia was using Clear Eyes so we could have run a picture of Ben Stein.

Related:

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

Barack Obama Loves His Wife

Tom Jones' Wife is Rich But Rather Tragic

Unauthorized Bio: McCain Had Awesome HS Nickname, Called Wife A "C-Word" In '92

Video of the Day: John McCain Said it First

Video of the Day: New York Brings Kermit, Us Down

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 20:54:00 GMT

We're probably posting this more for ourselves than you. But, really, who can resist the magical combination that is Kermit the Frog and a sad, sad song? We sure as hell can't pass up Kermit lip syncing to LCD Sound System's "New York I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down," especially since we already have one foot across the state line.

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

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When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:20:00 GMT

When I moved to New York eight-and-a-half years ago, I came in a U-Haul packed full of junk, including wicker furniture, a Laura Ashley bedspread and a milk crate of CDs that, at the time, I thought were pretty cool.

While the wicker furniture was put out on the street years ago, I haven't been able to part with the CDs. I have lugged that damn crate to eight different apartments because I couldn't bring myself to part with the music of my youth—which in retrospect mostly sucks, and not even in an ironic way (the first CD I ever purchased was the soundtrack to the Adams' Family Movie).

Now that I'm moving back to Missouri, however, and am determined to not be the girl I was determined not to be when I left, I decided it was finally time to let the music (and some muzak if we're being honest here) go. I figured the stoop sale I was having on Saturday was the perfect excuse.

As I put the Dixie Chicks, Master P (which I still like, but it's a little scratched up) and Wilson Phillips in the box labeled "The Most Embarrassing CD Collection Ever, $0.25–$2.00," I came across a loose, teal CD. It was "2 Become 1" by the Spice Girls. I started holding onto it when I was 15 or so, because I wanted to lose my virginity during that song... in a clean bedroom full of candles. I did not have a clean bedroom. Or a large collection of candles. And I sure as hell didn't lose my virginity to the tune of the Spice Girls.

I don't even think there was any music playing.

The short version of the story is that I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet when I was 17. The less short version is that I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. I really don't remember much more about it. It was less than spectacular.

That was a few months before I moved to New York. I held onto the CD thinking that sex had to be better than that—that someday 2 would become 1 and it would be spectacular.

Over the years I lost the case. The CD got moved a lot, never played.

Saturday I put it in the 25-cent box at the stoop sale. At the end of the day it was still there. I looked at the back. It was totally scratched up and even a little cracked. [Insert tortured metaphor here.]

I never realized that the Spice Girls are practically having sex with New York City in that video. Good thing I still have the CD and 12 days left in Brooklyn.

Related:

How Long Were You a "Technical Virgin?"

Sloppy Seconds: Guess Who Has a Brand New Vagina!

Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings

China Says "Virgins Get Better Husbands"

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:21:00 GMT

Justin Timberlake is moving to New York City. We're moving out. Not because we don't want to be neighbors with JTimb, but because, well, after eight-and-a-half years, we've had enough. At least for a while.

Case in point: Timberlake just paid $5.25 million for a downtown condo. We just got a 3-bedroom apartment in downtown Kansas City for $750 month. It has a porch and a claw-foot tub and a butler's pantry and a fire place and China cabinets built into the dining room. But the fact that our bed will no longer be our office is not the only reason we're going.

If you'll allow us to switch to the ever-so-personal, "I" and over share for a bit...

The time has come for me to say goodbye to the city I've called home for eight years. I spent the entire Bush administration in New York, and guess what? Now that Barack Obama has been elected President, I'm no longer afraid of the Midwest. Plus, I went home to do promotion for the book and fell in love. I've grown a lot in eight years, and so has Kansas City. I saw buses with bike racks!

When I left at 18, I was fleeing my Meth-ridden hometown of Independence (a suburb of KC) and a foreseeable future as a knocked up bank teller with dark roots and sweat pants. I can safely say I've evaded that path in life and I'm now free to live out my fantasy of residing in an amazing apartment in the urban center of a not so urban place (a place that's constantly changing, for the better).

I'll be using all of my new space to continue my freelance writing career (and my job at Scanner!), and I feel like having more mental and physical space will really open me up to write the things I've wanted to write for a long time.

This is not to say I'm not scared to death. I'm scared of falling off the face of the Earth, and I'm just plain scared to leave. New York sucked me in and promised to never let me go. And that freaked me out; I'm not ready for the lifetime commitment. I certainly don't want to be that lady on the subway (those of you who live in the city know who I'm talking about).

Lucky for me, as Gawker so famously pointed out last year, Kansas City is the new Greenpoint—which is where I currently reside. I will find out if this is true and report back. Who knows? Maybe I'll hate it there and return to the original Greenpoint. But I'm going to give it a year. And I secretly hope I'm starting the movement to New York. Go West, young New Yorkers!

Related:

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

Crush of the Week: Jim Vokac

Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Doesn't Get Dumped

Video of the Day: Star Wars Trumpet Solo

Scanner Emily Sends a Little Love to Her American Idol Homie

What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Moved to Missouri

[Image]

Get Up, Get Out and Do Something

Emily Farris — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:05:00 GMT

Here's the dilly-o: It's election day. I'm in Missouri. Do you think I'm really going to sit in front of my computer and write about Britney Spears' vagina and Pete Wentz's penis? Fuck no. I'm going to hit the pavement in my homestate (and possibly soon to be home) of Missouri for Obama. Scanner Brian has a live thread going, at least until the Secret Service detains him, and I'll try to call in a few updates from the ground in Missouri. Needless to say, Scanner is going to be Scanner lite today. But you're probably not even sitting in front of your computer. You're calling your friends in swing states, making sure they'll vote, or maybe you're watching porn on VHS or DVD to remind yourself of a time when we had a Democratic president.

Whatever you do, get off your ass and vote. And then find someone to have victory sex with.

What's (Er Who's) Going Down In Your Hood?

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 20:26:00 GMT

We've seen some interesting uses of Google Maps mash-ups but perhaps none quite as, um, utilitarian as Hook-Up Maps.

If you didn't already figure it out, Hook-Up Maps mashes up Google Maps with Craigslist casual encouters listings, letting you know exactly how many hook-ups are within your drunken, lazy, horny reach.

We're glad to know that as of around midnight last night, there were 7 hook-ups in our neighborhood of Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Unfortunately in Nixa, Missouri, where we're staying for the next few nights: ZERO.

So next time you're too drunk to take the subway for some booty but would absolutely stumble down the street for it, check out Hook-Up Maps. Just don't forget to pick up some condoms at the bodega on the corner.

[HookUpMaps via Boinkology]

Related:

Teenage Sexual Awakening Via Google Maps and Polaroids

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Flickrvision: Welcome to the Next Glorious Waste of Your Plugged-in Time

Video of the Day: Star Wars Trumpet Solo

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 16:12:00 GMT

What's better than Sarah Palin playing the flute in a beauty pageant? Stacey Hedger playing the Star Wars theme on a trumpet in a beauty pageant, that's what. Who is Stacey Hedger? Well... Kansas City bloggers orginally connected this talented lady to our hometown, and though the connection has been debunked, we still feel a special connection to this sparkly beauty queen. It reminds us of our high school days when we were on the drill deam and in the marching band. We'd march in our sparkly uniform, pass off our saxophone to the horn player next to us and mark time, alone, in the middle of the football field until the rest of the Indianettes joined us. Miss Hedger, however, manages to pull it all off at once.

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Video from Vegas: The Sarah Palin Lookalike Contest

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:30:00 GMT

I always pull together my Halloween costume at the last minute. No matter how much thought I put into it the entire month of October, the perfect costume never comes to me until I'm on my way out the door to celebrate with slutty cats and French maids.

Last year was no exception. I arrived home at 8 with the vague idea of dressing up as VMA Britney, but needed to leave by 8:30 and didn't have time to buy a wig and my silver bikini was no where to be found.

I thought about what I could utilize (my red hair) and took an inventory of the clothes I hadn't yet packed for my move (very few). What I came up with was a pretty - dam - good - if - I - do - say - so - myself Pippi Longstocking.

(Okay, so by this point I was more of a sloshed Pipi. Anyway...)

I can't take credit for this industrious Halloweening of mine. I owe it to my father. My parents divorced when I was three, and my mother never celebrated Halloween because her crazy religion didn't allow it. Dad arrived one year realizing we didn't have costumes and not wanting to endure the picked through pink plastic princesses and black wigs of K-Mart. He did, however, have a few sheets in his car—a pale blue sheet and a Budweiser sheet (maybe he'd just done laundry or he knew we weren't going to be dressed up?). A few holes and a piece or two of string later, my sister Jo and I were instantly transformed into ghosts. I don't remember which one of us actually ended up as the Budweiser ghost; I know neither of us wanted to be, and we fought about it. I also know my dad felt bad, but what I wouldn't give to be the Budweiser ghost now...

With no Budweiser sheets to be found this year, I must resort to pulling together another Halloween costume. I don't know why I do this to myself: think about what I'll dress up as so early in the month when I know I'll end up changing my mind or pulling together the perfect costume the hour before I head out. Maybe I do it because it's just really fun to think about what I can be for one night.

I probably put too much thought into it. Most women want to look sexy or slutty—and why not? It's fun, and it's not often I get to wear fishnet stockings and red lipstick these days. For me, though, it's more about having a good costume, and if I happen to look sexy while I wear it, that's more than okay.

On the un-sexy side, the idea of getting a bunch of women together and dressing up as polygamist wives has certainly crossed my mind, but I'll be in my hometown of Indepdence, MO for Halloween this year, and for those of you who don't know, Indepdendence has the second largest Mormon population in the country (next to Salt Lake City).

I could certainly dress up as Sarah Palin, but my American flag bikini has gone the way of my silver bikini (it never actually existed in my life) plus, I don't want to get beat up by a Republican.

Perhaps it's time for Vote Girl (my 2004 alter ego and Halloween Costume) to make a re-appearance.

She was pretty kick-ass. I was at Kent State in Ohio doing GOTV and I got busted by campus security. "We've had reports of a scantily-clad crazy lady in the commons..."

Are you already thinking about your Halloween costumes? If so, what are you thinking?

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Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 19:12:00 GMT

Missouri is full of so much material it makes us wonder why we ever left in the first place. But we did leave, and sometimes forget that we live in a liberal bubble in Brooklyn.

Example #1: Last night we were watching the local news with Mom and Little Sister. There was a piece about the rehabbed Power & Light entertainment district having a big grand opening party this week. In the newscast, they made a huge point of detailing the dress code for the event:

"If you plan on going to Thursday night's kick-off bash for the Power & Light District, be aware of the dress code. The weather will probably warrant a coat, gloves and a hat, but here is what you can not wear: Bandanas, Work Boots, Ripped/baggy clothing."

We made some comment about that being a pretty racist dress code, and then Mom (who said she'd never vote for Barack Obama "because he has Muslim tendencies") said that we were racist for assuming that black people wear bandanas and/or work boots and/or baggy clothing. We said if the organizers were that worried about people dressing appropriately they should also ban sneakers and Kansas City Chiefs warm-up suits (favorites of suburbanites around here) while Mom went on a rant about Democrats being less tolerant than Republicans because we can't tolerate Republicans.

Moments later, in the same newscast, we learned that a black City Councilman had been sent a noose in the mail.

[MyFox Kansas City: Thursdsay-Night Bash Celebrates Power & Light District]

What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Moved to Missouri

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:49:00 GMT

We don't know whether we should be offended or relieved that we don't look like this (we don't, do we? you'd tell us if we did, right?), but either way, we're amused. And because we're in Kansas City—which is in Missouri in case you've forgotten—and a reader sent us this, we're going to share "What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Moved to Missouri." We will admit that many of these people resemble our friends and family members. In fact, Sarah Jessica Parker actually looks a lot like our mom.

[Images via PlanetHiltron.com]

(Thanks, Tony!)

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:30:00 GMT

Yep, we're blogging from the Cowtown in the Show Me State; we're home to surprise our mom for her 55th birthday—don't tell! You knew the Cowtown was in the Show Me State, right? If so, you're part of the minority. According to the folks at kansascityisinmissouri.com an astonishing 94.3% of Americans believe that Kansas City is in Kansas. And while they're technically correct—there is a Kansas City in Kansas, it's the one you always see on COPS—those of us from the Kansas City in Missouri have put up with being called "from Kansas" our entire lives. Though there's not really anything wrong with being from Kansas, we're not. So, thank you, kansascityisinmissouri.com for setting the record straight.

After the jump, Missouri vs. Kansas FAQ and Miss South Carolina explains U.S. America's lack of maps in South Africa and The Iraq.

Question: Isn't there also a Kansas City, Kansas?

Answer: Ha! Oh, poor uneducated e-mail writer. This is a common urban legend. But no, there is no Kansas City, Kansas. Stop being silly.

Question: Are there any simple clues to help me know if I'm in Kansas rather than Missouri?

Answer: Absolutely! Here is a simple test you can perform to find out what state you are in. Ask a friendly citizen about their thoughts on evolution. If you are met with hostility and bible verses, chances are you're in Kansas.

Question: Do you think this is funny? You're a dick.

Answer: Thanks for writing! It is true that Missouri boasts vast quantities of naturally occurring limestone and is rated 6th in the nation for hog production.

[kansascityisinmissouri.com]