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While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

If you're going to bribe a cop, it's wise to aim higher than $17.

One of our strange/secret crushes, Chelsea Clinton, has gotten engaged.

Great, another reason for Nascar fans to hate Obama: this April Fool's Day prank made it seem like Obama wanted to pull millions from Nascar to punish car companies.

Another day and more rumors that Britney Spears feels like she's "in prison" and wants out of this arrangment with her father.

Our worst fear came true, and then turned out to be a gag: Heidi Montang told people she was pregnant, but thankfully it was only an April 1st thing. There's still time to sterilize the cast of The Hills.

If your attempt to rob a liquor store fails, please don't cry about it. No one made you do it...

Natalie Cole's fans are so crazy about her, they're even willing to give up their kidneys...

Coldplay, Bjork, Kid Rock, and Trent Reznor punk'd their fans yesterday.

David Cook canceled two shows due to a family crisis-- at last, entertainment news that probably isn't a joke!

A History of MIT Pranks, In Glorious Pictures...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 16:12:00 GMT

What can we say, we're a sucker for pranks, practical jokes, and general harmless merriment.

It's the only reason we would have considered going to a school like MIT (not that we would've gotten in or even wanted to.) You know, to carry out that fantasy of college life we first saw in Real Genius... the smart asses venting their energy not by farting and chanting "USA! USA!" at frat parties but by disassembling the dean's car and reassembling it in the Yukon Territories...

The Boston Globe has a brilliant and hysterical photo essay of pranks captured by still photographers over the years... all the photos are worth checking out...

But these are our faves, starting with the first annual piano launch!

Send us your prank photos and we'll post 'em... even if you didn't attend MIT.

Via the Boston Globe.

Related:

Today in the Apocalypse: Man Injured in Mooning Prank Gone Wrong

The Heartwarming Story of A Debtor's Revenge

Drunk Man Has Sex With A Toyota (Hey, At Least It Wasn't A Hummer)

Confessions of "The Other Woman"

Who Organized The Arkansas Gay Wrestling Match?

Debate #3: It's Better To Fade Away Than To Burn Out

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:22:00 GMT

Maybe it would be better if Cranky McCrankypants just disappeared for a while, and reemerged a few days (or even a week or two) from now to swoop in with some brilliant attack ad that's effective and actually warranted, unlike everything else he's been for months.

Seriously, think about it: it worked for him after his staff began bailing on him in the primary runup; then he did some soul searching, stripped everything away that wasn't working, and bit by bit, built himself back into a winner and took the New Hampshire primary like a force of nature.

Because this "transcript," our memory of tonight's debate, shows you why his recent strategy/tactics aren't working for him...

TRANSLATED TRANSCRIPT:

McCain: Thank you, my friends. My friends, my friends always say to me, "When the conversation gets rough, my friends, and there is no Republican talking point that can get you out of one of those pesky 'questions' asked by fascist scoundrels like Katie Couric and Tom Brokaw, just switch the subject back to 'energy independence,' and talk about how our country should have independence from oversight by nuclear regulatory committees. My friends, this is the only way."

Obama: I need to resp--

Brokaw: You're not allowed to respond.

Obama: But-- but--

Brokaw: Back to you McCain before Obama embarrasses himself by continuing to break the rules of the debate and look like the whiner Sean Hannity knows he is. Senator McCain, can you explain to me why the Keating Five scandal was once called your greatest error, to paraphrase you, and is now referred to you as total batshit crazy talk?

McCain: Well, my friends, the Keating Four were my friends. My friends, I want to talk to you about energy independence...

Obama: Tom, Tom! Can I--

Brokaw: Let's go to another totally boring, irrelevant, and uninspiring, vetted audience member to ask the next question...

And so on, until we all vote Bob Barr... because this kind of debate just bores us to tears...

-2:01am, after Scanner alumnus Bobby Tisdale's debate watch party & subsequent Scanner Emily-book-release-celebration drinks

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Baton Twirlers Busted For "I Kissed A Girl"

Boobs for Barack

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

The Veep Deba(cle): Why Everybody Loses

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:55:00 GMT

Above is the top half of an ad released late Thursday night by the McCain campaign. It wasn't until Friday that someone noticed what was horribly, horribly wrong with it. (Hint: making up quotes and then finding someone to attribute them to is beyond stupid.)

The McCain folks were already reeling from the pre-Presidential debate they "accidentally" released saying McCain had won the debate, which McCain hadn't even arrived for yet. Classic.

We have to say this is way funnier...

And the final, "corrected" version, from a woman who seemed far from thrilled with McCain-Palin '08 when on Meet The Press yesterday:

Original image via Mollygood.

Scanner Highs and Lows: This Week Was So Gay

It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Because We're Twisted: The World's 10 Most Ironic Deaths

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:21:00 GMT

Have you guys become addicted to the STREET BONERS and TV CARNAGE blog yet?

You should-- they have hilarious features, including one that we are about to pirate and use as a basis for our own list of "Hilarious Deaths." That list should be called ironic deaths (such as the one where the only non-lifeguard at a party of lifeguards, all of whom were celebrating their year without a single death on the job, drowned in the swimming pool), although there are a few that don't make the cut.

You'll thank us or (is it forgive us?) for removing Eric Clapton's son's tragic death and some of the other, unfunny and more offensive choices:

1) JOHANN UNDERWALD, Swiss math genius, in a 1999 bungee-jump gone wrong. The problem? He made himself a "300-foot bungee cord to make the 250-foot leap."

2) BOBBY Leach, an American folk hero and early pioneer of the daredevil schtick later appropriated by Evil Kneivel, made some incredible leaps and bounds of his own before finally succumbing to his death after slipping on a banana peel.

3) "PISTOL" PETE MARAVICH, one of the greatest basketball players of the mid-20th century and the all-time leader in NCAA Division I, died of a heart attack during a pickup game. (The bloggers neglect to mention he was a retired alcoholic by then, and the cause of death was related to a heart defect that should have killed him years earlier.)

4) DR. ATKINS. You all saw this one coming: his fad diet was again taking the country by stor, crushing sales of bread and other carb-heavy food, when a 250-pound man was found dead. That man was Dr. Atkins.

5) Same with the founder of PowerBar and the pro jogger who died while jogging. Ironic but not that funny.

6) Maybe not ironic but at least not too morbid: VICTOR VILLENTI, a well-known jogger was killed "—while jogging—after being struck by an eight-pound frozen leg of lamb that had fallen from someone’s third-story window."

7) One more health nut death:

...JEROME IRVING RODALE, massively successful publisher of health-food books and Prevention magazine. After having boasted that he was going to “live to be 100 unless I’m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver,” Rodale appeared on The Dick Cavett Show in 1971. When it appeared that Rodale had fallen asleep in his chair, Cavett asked him, “Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?” If so, he had been bored to death, since he died of a heart attack while the show was filming. Sadly, the show never aired.

8) We all remember WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON, who, as the Simpons remind us, died in 30 days. Harrison gave his inaugural address in the freezing cold. But to show everyone what a "man" he was, he neglected to wear a coat. The President came down with pnuemonia... and the rest is history.

9) In Arizona,

DAVID GRUNDMAN thought it would be cool to grab his shotgun and go out “cactus plugging” with a friend one day in 1982. He plugged a 26-foot Saguaro, a huge prickly slab of which fell and smashed him to death.

10) JENNIFER LEE STRANGE had a strange death of her own: she died while holding her bladder in a "Hold Your Wee For A Wee" radio contest. Jennifer, it's a $250 item-- not worth dying over.

There are more, but some of them aren't that ironic (being killed by bears after staying with them for more than a dozen summers is not irony, it's invevitability.) You can check out the rest here.

The Wit and Wisdom of John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 19:01:00 GMT

Your Friday funnies... a look back at the funniest things John McCain has ever said:

Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno. [1998]
"The nice thing about Alzheimer's is you get to hide your own Easter eggs." [1999]
"Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?'" [1986]
"The French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who is still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it," McCain told Fox News a few years ago.
...he — in jest — referred to a young man who asked about his age as "you little jerk," before telling him, "You're drafted." [2008]
McCain was also recently condemned by the government of Iran for suggesting that increasing U.S. cigarette sales to Iran could be "a way of killing 'em." [2008]
[Charlie Crist, on how much persistent McCain was] “Well, not that much,” Crist began answering. “It was just waterboarding,” McCain interjected. [2008]

Did we miss any? Well, no matter what, this guy has better comic timing than Bush... or Barack Obama. We're just not certain he's helping his campaign by weilding it...

Via Politico and various other sources.

Who Organized The Arkansas Gay Wrestling Match?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 20:30:00 GMT

The internets thinks it has unmasked the jokester who promised $1 beer and brutal cage fighting in Arkansas, only to make the large crowd sit through grown men tearing each other's clothes off and furiously making out.

"We had a contract for cage fighting. We were deceived," said Dwight Duncan, president and CEO of Four States Fair Grounds in Texarkana...

The day after the cage fight in Texarkana, a similar gay-themed prank was pulled in nearby Fort Smith, featuring

a character named "Straight Dave" would goad a planted audience member into the ring for a fight.
The two men would then wrestle, rip away some of their clothes and share a brief kiss reminiscent of one between Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell in the film "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby."

Producers said "it was kind of to essentially make fun, poke fun at wrestling— two guys rolling around on the floor, all sweaty."

An elaborate array of mounted and handheld video cameras caught the crowd of 1,600's reaction as the two men "went right up to the line" of the city's morality laws.... The two men stripped down to their underwear, kissed and rubbed on each other, the sergeant said.

As soon as the audience realized they'd been duped, they started lobbing beers at the participants... ha ha, suckers-- the pranksters saw this coming and only handed out plastic cups. The wrestlers, meanwhile, had been hastily removed from the building, unscathed.

Those in attendance were told by several signs on display that they'd be filmed, Holland said, and signed waivers before the event. Convention center sales director Karin Hobbs declined to name the event's sponsor Monday.

But the Associated Press is dead certain that Sacha Baron Cohen is behind it, possibly filming for "Bruno" or even a new, unknown production beyond that.

If the cage match visits came from Baron Cohen, it wouldn't be the first time Arkansas fell for a practical joke. In 2000, then-Gov. Mike Huckabee fell for a prank and congratulated Canada for preserving its icebound Parliament, calling it a "national igloo."

And that guy's being considered for the 2nd-in-Command of the United States?! Reason enough to vote for Bob Barr, for God's sake...

Via Starpulse/AP.

This Week in Gayness: Al Franken's Lesbian Jokes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 18:34:00 GMT

Last month's ruling all but totally legalizing gay marriage in California is already faced with stiff opposition.

First, the high court refused to stop the marriages from going into effect. Meanwhile, the bigots are back on the ballot-- November's election not only will feature a question about amending the state constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman, but a question about parental notification for abortions as well. (The abortions of minors only, of course, but can parental notification for everyone be too far behind?)

Tammy Baldwin and Barney Frank introduced Congress to its first ever LGBT Equality Caucus. Shockingly enough, a lot of other Congresspersons have joined. Not so shockingly, no Republicans have yet signed on, as their is the party of the future... a future ruled by Soylent Green, of course.

The New York State Assembly proves its worth for the first time in ages by passing a law amending the state's human rights law to include protections for transgender people. Now if they could pass a law giving us our tax refunds within ten years of filing for them, that would be great.

Al Franken's campaign for the US Senate may be in jeapordy following attacks on his character by Minnesota Republicans. The GOP is running incumbent Norm Coleman (the guy who beat a former Vice President of the United States and one time Presidential candidate named Walter Mondale in a Democratic-leaning state for the seat.) Here's what they quote from in their press release about Franken's alleged attacks on women and lesbians in particular:

Franken kidded at a 1999 New York feminist event that Afghan women didn't need any more freedom, and he announced at a White House press dinner that then-Attorney General Janet Reno would perform a lap dance for $25.
He joked at a Human Rights Campaign dinner that he had asked organizers to pay him for his speech by "send[ing] a girl to my room. And they did. But she turned out to be a lesbian. Great! Next time you do that, could you at least send two?"

Of course, these were both more than seven years ago when Franken was a fucking comedian. You wonder how come they haven't found any poorly-worded off-the-cuff comments about Republicans while hosting an Air America show for several years.

Don't Miss: The Icelandic Penis Museum

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 May 2008 15:41:00 GMT

We're so excited about the Icelandic Phallological Museum that we are almost unable to get the words out fast enough:

Reuters has the story of Sigurdur Hjartarson, curator to his own

collection, which began in 1974 with a single bull's penis that looked something like a riding crop, [and] now boasts 261 preserved members from 90 species. The largest, from a sperm whale, is 70 kg (154 lb) and 1.7 meters (5.58 ft) long. The smallest, a hamster penis bone, is just 2 mm and must be viewed through a magnifying glass.

Although there are no human boners in this museum, Ol' Siggy told the media he has been contacted by a Briton, an American, a German, and an Icelander about donating their penises... when those men are deceased, of course. (We're tempted to make a joke in the "two rabbis walk into a bar" vein, but this too shall pass. We'll simply add that we wonder if those phone calls Sig received about the penis donation were not made by a couple of barely-not snickering teenagers boasting of their "sizeable donations.")

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis -- which he purportedly nick-named "Elmo" -- for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member as well as his pledge to donate it.

Ewwwww... that's one Elmo we don't want to tickle.

Seriously, their website is unebeliveably rich in comic material and the rest of the Reuters story is delicious entertainment. Field trip, anyone?

Via Reuters: Icelandic penis museum offers long and short of male organ.

Painful Link of the Day: Hobosexual.com

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 17:30:00 GMT

If you've been watching The Wire, you're probably not really that interested in seeing pictures of naked homeless dudes. And if you haven't been watching The Wire, you may not be cool enough to get the humor here anyway. Don't worry, there are no pictures here, thank God, only pure dumb comedy.

Something Awful's Link of the Day is to a site we hoped would never have to exist, but apparently needs to: hobosexual.com. People, we have a strong suspicion that the comedy below is unintentional. Here's a list of their "underwebsites":

Black Eye Saloon: Old drifters, weathered men
Smegmen: Mature hardened men, oldneck
Rough Trade / Fuck or Fight: Street Love, lock up memories

I wish these were jokes, too. From the disclaimer:

The sexual orientation of individuals pictured in and writers for Hobsexual.com should not be assumed.
ARM THE HOMELESS.

And you're welcome for sparing you photos of naked hobos. In fact, we tried to avoid looking at them altogether. But, if you must...

The Daily Funnies: Hillary Claims She Can Control Bill

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 21:16:00 GMT

The funniest joke of the political day would have to go to Madame Senator. Sometimes we get forget how hilarious she is. Oh wait, I'm sorry... I'm not really sure she sees the same humor in this that we do.

During an interview with the ABC News show Nightline, Hillary Clinton defended her husband's racially-charged attacks on rival Senator Barack Obama:

“I think whatever he said which was certainly never intended to cause any kind of offense to anyone,” Clinton said, “if it did give offenses then I take responsibility and I’m sorry about that.”

"Can you control him?" asked McFadden.

“Oh, of course,” Clinton replied. [And then she slowly turned her entire body to the camera and gave that Robocop laugh.]