Scanner : john McCain

PapSmeared: Seal Shows Us All a Little Love

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 17:24:00 GMT

And then he shows his wife some love...

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[Image]

Republican Spawn Will Taunt and Taint Our Nation's Hope

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:04:00 GMT

At the top of The View this morning, Elisabeth Hasselbeck shared some very, very breaking news.

She's pregnant... again!

What's this, baby number 18 in three years or something? We can't believe she'd actually bring a baby into a world where a liberal Black man is president. But maybe she's trying to start her own little Ayran militia here in the States.

What are we saying? We're jerks. What we meant to say was: every baby is a blessing from God. Congratulations, Hasselbeck!

Related:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Stumps for Sarah Palin, We Drink Heavily

Who Would You Rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Ann Coulter?

Caption This: "The View" Gets Political

McCain's Fem-bot Wife Wants to Go 'Dancing With the Stars'

Scanner Matt — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:22:00 GMT

Today Page Six claims their "impeccably placed source" says, "Just before Thanksgiving, Cindy McCain started talks with producers to appear as a dancer on the show (Dancing With the Stars)."

Really?

This impeccably placed source also claims, "She wanted to do it very badly." But this week, Sen. McCain "put the kibosh on it."

Booooooooooo

What is this, Footloose? (If you haven't noticed the giant movie poster we published with this post)

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John and Sarah Still Need Some Time Apart

Drug Charges, Palin Family

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John and Sarah Still Need Some Time Apart

Scanner Matt — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

It was a fairly quick relationship, though more than just a roll in the conservative hay. She sometimes embarrassed him in front of his friends and he never really listened to what she had to say. Sometimes things aren't meant to be, but when your ex is invited to one of the biggest parties of the year and you didn't get an invitation, the pain is new all over again.

Mother Jones reports:

On the night before Barack Obama is sworn in as the nation's 44th President, his inaugural committee will host a series of dinners honoring public servants it deems champions of bipartisanship. To be feted are Vice President-elect Joe Biden, Colin Powell, and John McCain... introduced by one of his closest Senate confidants: Senator Lindsey Graham. But McCain's No. 1 booster during the last year will not be among those hailing McCain. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, his controversial running-mate, will not attend the dinner.

But no one will say who's snubbed who. Was it a McCain request to keep her away or the presidential inauguration committee's doing? Or is Palin ignoring them? Palin's spokesman claims, "I don't know if she was invited?" We find that hard to believe.

This is so classic John and Sarah.

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Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Drug Charges, Palin Family

Video of the Day: Fox News Infighting, Bill-O Gets Trashed

Video of the Day: Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits or Republican Porn

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Joe the Plumber: McCain Made Me Feel "Dirty"

Scanner Matt — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:13:00 GMT

Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, not to be confused with Sloth from Goonies, spoke out in a radio interview with giant toddler, Glenn Beck, about being "appalled" at what went on inside McCain's bus.

In a walk down campaign memory lane Joe said of John McCain, “I asked him some pretty direct questions... Some of the answers you guys are gonna receive — they appalled me, absolutely. I was angry. In fact, I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him.”

Yikes! So why didn't you get off the bus, Joe?

“...honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more.”

Well put.

Wurzelbacher explained he felt “dirty” while “being on the campaign trail and seeing some of the things that take place.”

But in the end there was a silver lining to the political rain cloud Joe had endured, “Sarah Palin is absolutely the real deal.”

And Joe knows about being, "the real deal." He also seems to confuse a candidate's qualification's with his own horniness:

You know, I only got to spend a short amount of time with her but, you know, it was been asked if I felt any presence when I was with John McCain or Barack Obama. You know, with Sarah Palin, I don't want to say I felt a presence but she definitely had energy... You know, she wants to serve us.

If you're still looking for a Christmas present this holiday, Joe, the master of eloquence ("it was been asked if"), is coming out with a riveting new book.

Full story at Politico and complete radio interview here.

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Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Underage Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 14:05:00 GMT

Can't afford to go to Bonnaroo because of the economic crisis? Music festivals have implemented payment plans for hipsters... and other citizens with good taste.

John McCain is scheduled to stand David Letterman up again this Thursday.

The Governor of Illinois has no plans to resign, called Obama a "motherfucker." Class act.

A Cleveland City Councilman gambled a long political career and up to 20 years in prison for a measly $500 bribe... and lost.

Tyler Perry beat back a frivolous lawsuit.

Tracy Morgan thinks Obama should be more like Jesse Jackson. Or at least a guy who cares more about black people, apparently.

And Kate Winslet had an affair with a man thirteen years her senior... when she was only fifteen.

Related:

Video of the Day: Tracy Morgan Responds to Tina Fey on SNL

Governor of Illinois Arrested Over Obama Senate Appointment... And That's Not Even the Weirdest Story

Kate Winslet Takes it Off for Vanity Fair

Top 5 Kate Winslet Sex Scenes

Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Loving, Naked Tributes to Sarah Palin Just Keep on Coming

Ashley Alexandra Dupre Did Exactly What We Told Her Not to Do

Who Would You Rather? Ashley Alexandra Dupre vs. "Kristen"

An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

Sloppy Seconds: Joe The Plumber's New Homeland Security Gig

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:52:00 GMT

We can't think of anything more unAmurrrican than George W. Bush pardoning an eagle killer. Okay, we can, but still... [Gawker]

Hugh Jackman's wife was totally cool with him kissing Nicole Kidman. [Us]

Who was totally not cool on David Letterman last night. [Jezebel]

Stephanie from Full House's baby daddy (who is not from Full House but from the real world but that that Real World) has made an emotional plea for Stephanie, er Jodie Sweetin, to bring back the couple's 7-month-old daughter. Sweetin and Cody Herpin split recently, and Jodie took the kid. [Radar]

Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital after an adverse reaction to "medication." [Yahoo!]

As Wonkette so smartly stated, "Joe the Plumber's life officially becomes off-putting David Lynch film." Joe, er Samuel Wurzelbacher, is apparently now doing tacky commercials for some cheap electronics company. And it's really sad. But, hey, at least he has a job, right? A job protecting the public safety of the united states during the digital TV transition. For real. [Wonkette]

Sloppy Seconds: Secret Celebrity Weddings... Who Done It?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 23:12:00 GMT

Fox News just got a little less liberal. (Bet you didn't know that was possible.) Hannity and Colmes will now just be, um, Hannity. [Yahoo]

Dr. Pepper was giving away free soda to celebrate the release of Guns 'N Roses' long-anticipated Chinese Democracy. Apparently, though, the high demand for free drinks crashed the beverage makers' website, leaving rock fans everywhere thirsty and disappointed. [Vulture]

Did you know Jason Lee was married? Neither did we. [Us]

Who else got secretly married?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. As if you care. Sorry. [People]

R. Kelly's nephew has been charged with attempted murder after a brawl in a barbershop. [MTV]

Was John McCain the only one who didn't know "suspending" his campaign was a terrible idea? Scanner Brian totally called it. [Political Wire]

Video of the Day: Sarah Palin Talks to the Press, Picks Out a Bloody Turkey

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:14:00 GMT

Earlier this week former GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin gave an interview to a local TV station. Do you think she had any idea that turkeys were being slaughtered right behind her and in full view of the camera?

Video after the jump...

Related:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Who Will Be Time's Person of the Year?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:29:00 GMT

As the magazine industry fades into complete irrelevance, Time will try to carry on their century-old tradition of giving dictators and mongrels some free publicity, thanks to their Person of the Year competition.

The internet, for possibly the first time ever, actually cares who wins this contest: mainly because as of eight o'clock this morning, Eastern Time, Sarah Palin and Barack Obama were neck and neck...

Since then, the word got out on the pro-Obama sites. One headline went: "Are we really going to let Sarah Palin win Time's Person of the Year?" Apparently, it motivated the hell out of people-- here are the totals as of 10:10am:

With a reversal like that, Palin's chances can't be good for 2012. With the public that fearful of a Sarah Presidency, she could end up throwing a Republican primary to the consensus candidate-- Mitt Romney? Alan Keyes? Okay, we're kidding about Alan Keyes, maybe.

See the rankings and vote at Time.com.

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Who is GQ's Man of the Year? (File Under: Duh)

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama's Big Move

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Travel to the Future, And We Like It

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While You Were Sleeping: Bailon To Do Playboy For 100G's?

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 16:14:00 GMT

Sarah Palin doesn't know what countries are in North America. She can't name the countries that belong to NAFTA and she thinks Africa is a country, not a continent. Nor could she name most of the countries in North Africa. It's frightening to imagine how close this woman came to being second-in-command of the United States.

Here's a rundown of all the stories the McCain campaign is leaking about Sarah Palin in an effort to a) pin the blame on someone on b) to doom her 2012 chances, because God knows, even GOPers want nothing to do with this person...

1) Palin spent thousands of dollars more on her clothes-spending spree than was reported. She also charged some of the purchases to credit cards owned by staffers, who have not been reimbursed. One scorned aide quipped that it was "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast," while another claims the real horrors will emerge once the RNC runs an audit. McCain, meanwhile, was kept in the dark about the real details, staffers claim, since he would surely have been offended by Palin's greed.

2) Steve Schmidt, the man who proposed Palin for VP, was the one who turned down her request to give a concession speech on Election Night. It's amazing to us that this Governor and national figure had no idea Vice Presidential candidates never make concession speeches.

3) Palin refused to prep for the Katie Couric interview, did not know that Africa is a continent, could not name the countries of North America or the ones belonging to NAFTA, and on and on.

4) Palin decided to go after the William Ayers issue without approval from the campaign's top people. McCain reportedly wanted nothing to do with the Ayers, Wright, and other "smear" angles-- so good for him.

5) To top it all off, Palin greeted McCain advisers in only a towel, telling the visitors they should hang out with Todd, whom Newsweek calls "laconic," while she prepared herself.

Meanwhile, the truth about McCain's inner circle emerges as well:

1) McCain's advisers got together prior to the final debate and agreed the election was over but that they shouldn't tell their candidate that.

2) McCain still doesn't understand why one of his heroes, John Lewis, went after him publicly.

And other interesting tidbits, according to Newsweek, about Obama:

1) He considered the debate format a terrible environment in which to personally shine as a candidate, even taking a dig at Brian Williams for his "dumb" global warming question.

2) Obama's team shot down all of his arguments for considering Hillary as VP. Meanwhile, as we already knew, McCain and Clinton talked on the phone earlier in the campaign because they were so chummy, another reason to make the Obama campaign nervous.

3) During the period of unrest at Palin-McCain rallies, the Secret Service warned the Obamas about an uptick in death threats and other eerie warnings. "Why would they try to make people hate us?" Michelle asked. Welcome to Republican campaign tactics, Madame First Lady.

See more expanded versions of these at the Newsweek site.

New World Resolutions

The Election Ain't Over Yet...

Top 10 Reasons To Vote For Obama

Real or Fake? Nude Photos of Obama's Mother

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Gonzo Porn Director Slapped With 4 Years In Prison By Un-American Tampa Court

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:40:00 GMT

Janet Jackson canceled the rest of her tour. Wow, she's really going downhill fast, isn't she?

James Bond goes to... Bollywood?

Cheech and Chong want you to vote today. And no, this isn't some Republican trick pulled on our inner-cities.

The National Review, bitter as always, says the youth vote only made up 18% of the total vote. Yes, douceheads, but what about the actual number of youth voters?

And so it begins: the McCain campaign is letting loose on Sarah Palin. My God, if this corrupt and greedy individual had ever become Vice President...

Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman-- that's the name of Anne Hathaway's new boyfriend. Curses!

And Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. Little John Mayer's, you think?

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The Election Ain't Over Yet...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 08:35:00 GMT

Barack Obama may have captured the Presidency, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions here at 3:15am New York time...

1) Did Al Franken pull it off or lose by inches? Here's the latest from our friends in Minnesota:

With 92 percent of the precincts reporting, Coleman held 42 percent to Franken's 41 percent. Independence candidate Dean Barkley captured 15 percent of the vote. [UPI]

As Minnesota generally has the highest turnout rate in the nation, it's likely to be undecided by the time you're reading this. This also begs the question: how close will the Democrats come to their 60-seat majority? Obviously, they fell short (as was expected by most pollsters), but how short? And will it even matter now, with Democrats in charge of the government at every level except the dreaded Supreme Court, or will the Republicans once again use divisive tactics to drag the Senate down with them?

2) Did Prop 8 pass, as it appears to have? Last time we checked, 54% of Californians somehow thought this insanely stupid proposal should disgrace our historic day for civil rights. Great timing, assholes. (Kate Halper wrote: "Fuck you, California." We can't hope to top that.)

3) Did Obama pull it off in either Montana or North Carolina... or both? (We're in suspense here, mainly just to keep the thrill ride going a little longer now that the Election has been decided.) For another thing, the stronger the victory, the stronger the mandate. Checking in on the Real Clear Politics electoral map, we see that...

In North Carolina, with 100% of the vote in:

2,101,986 for Obama

2,089,826 for McCain in North Carolina

+12,160 votes for Obama

In Missouri, with 99% of the vote in:

1,440,756 for McCain

1,435,839 for Obama

+4,917 for McCain

...both nail-biters that look to be over. But we... just... can't... let them die.

Liveblogging The Vote: An Open Thread

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 20:49:00 GMT

Help us liveblog today's election by e-mailing us anything interesting you come across today on the campaign trail or at the polls, where you will likely be for your entire eight hour workday, waiting to find out they never updated your registration. Whoops.

Seriously, we'll be updating this post (after the jump) throughout the day with anything we hear (hell, even if it's complete nonsense) about Election 2008: from unreliable exit polls to bizarre and outlandish cases of voting problems and outright fraud...

1:20am:

1) Voting problems: Well over 800,000 complaints so far. And that was yesterday's total.

2: Polls: In 2004, this was John Zogby's prediction on Election Day morn: "Kerry 311, Bush 213, 14 up for grabs. Bush wins popular vote." Guess we might want to rethink these polling things...

3) Share your voting experiences with the Huffington Post. Some of the experiences already up in the comments section are pretty interesting.

4) New York: If you haven't voted yet, know your rights, just in case you end up like Scanner Emily and can't vote. We'll have information on other states when and if we can locate reliable expert information.

2:17am:

If you hadn't heard already, Obama's grandmother did indeed pass away yesterday. She did, however, get to vote for her grandson for the first and only time.

6:39am:

A friend e-mails that his brother in New Jersey is reporting that there are already long lines at his tiny, heavily-Caucasian neighborhood polling site. "If there are lines in white neighborhoods maybe we'll get enough machines for once (and a national holiday!) in the next election."

9:47am:

From Jezebel: shots on long lines in Queens and New York's Lower East side.

Facebook has an Election Page that is updating in real time. 747,164.

And now for some comic relief: Gina Gershon as Sarah Palin in a new video.

9:52am:

Mark Salter, a senior McCain campaign aide, told the Wall Street Journal he is using crystal meth to get through today. Of course, mainstream media outlets picking up the story neglect to mention he's probably joking.

10:06am:

Talk about small towns: apparently, the South Side of Chicago is one of them, with this revelation from ABC News: "Among the other voters who have shown up to vote at Shoesmith Elementary School this morning, where Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., will vote: Louis Farrakhan and William Ayers."

10:10am:

2004 much? "Voting machines were breaking down or simply not deployed in adequate numbers in some polling places," says CNN. "Long lines were seen in rainy Richmond, Virginia, where Henrico County switched to paper ballots at the Math and Science Center after five of seven machines broke down." Phew-- at least Henrico County had the sense to allow for paper ballots, unlike some idiotic states.

10:12am:

"If I have to choose between a douche and a turd, I don't see the point," says Stan from South Park. Clip here.

10:16am:

Yahoo! News reports: "More than 160 people were lined up to vote by the time polls opened at First Presbyterian Church in Allentown," Pennsylvania.

11:01am:

Political Wire says: "If Virginia is called quickly for Obama, it means he likely wins the presidential race and Democrats across the country will have a huge night. If it's not called early, it's could be an indication that white undecided voters are breaking to McCain. Prepare for an hour long discussion of the 'Bradley effect.' If Georgia or Indiana are called early for Obama, it's a leading indicator for a landslide." Meanwhile, Gawker's electoral map indicates McCain will likely be leading in the Electoral College until late in the evening (say, after 10pm) until the west coast starts to come in for Obama.

11:06am:

Conan voted!

The state of Florida claims its lines are only "20 minutes" long and that there are few reported problems. Have you heard different?

11:50am:

Trent Reznor weighs in. We're going to take a lunch break and go vote.

12:06pm:

The Obamas voted (in this video.)

1:02pm:

Just back from voting in Brooklyn. If it took 25 minutes to vote in a neighborhood like mine, I have to wonder how bad it must be getting in Ohio.

1:44pm:

Voting registration book problems in Kansas have been resolved, according to a CNN report.

Poll closing times: 7pm in Florida (for most polls), 7pm in New Hampshire (select cities are open till 8pm), at least 7pm in Oregon. More on poll closing times here.

3:40pm:

Back online after some technical problems. Joe the Plumber tried to vote but was denied because he was at the wrong polling location. Man, the McCain campaign can't do anything right, can it?

3:43pm:

A 109-year-old woman (hey, she's almost as old as McCain!), who is the daughter of a slave, was able to vote for Obama today.

3:48pm:

Let's update those poll closing times: 7:00: GA, IN, KY, SC, VT, VA; 7:30: NC, OH, WV; 8:00: AL, CT, DE, DC, FL, IL, ME, MD, MA, MI, MO, NH, NJ, OK, PA, TN; 8:30: AR; 9:00: AZ, CO, KS, LA, MI, MN, NE, NM, NY, ND, RI, SD, TX, WI, WY; 10:00: IA, MT, NV, UT, CA, HI, ID, OR, WA; 1:00am: AK. Most observers agree that if Obama wins IN and/or GA and VA early, this could be a blowout; otherwise, it could always go the other way, of course...

5:31pm:

Oddly enough, people are getting text messages telling them that, if they are Obama supporters, they should vote tomorrow because of long lines. Do Republicans really think their rivals are that dumb? (The answer: yes and some of them probably fell for it.)

Also, please don't send us any exit polling data. It's all junk anyway and we'll know within two hours or say anyway. Political Wire claims it will have results starting at 6pm easter-- link here.

5:34pm:

It might end up being an epic night regardless of the outcome, since it appears high turnout could delay the results. 1,000 voters were reportedly in line at a single polling site-- and this in Detroit, Michigan, which McCain has already conceded.

5:39pm:

Voted yet? It's not too late to throw your support behind... Lando Calrissian?

5:40pm:

Reports indicate Obama is making a last-minute effort to turn Indiana blue. We'll know in just a few short hours whether it was enough to turn the tide there. Can you believe we'll have actual hard date in under 90 minutes? So weird to watch the campaign to a screeching halt after so many months of incessant politicking.

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Vote Girl: Disenfranchised

Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction...

Video of the Day: The Mourning After

Top 10 Reasons To Vote For Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 19:00:00 GMT

For a while, we tried to remain balanced, nitpicking each party's candidates with snarky attacks.

Then John McCain's campaign took a horrendous turn. It wasn't just on the strategic end, although that's what doomed him; rather, there seemed to be a point where he said, "I used to be the type who didn't stoop so low. Now I realize I can't win any other way" or "I want to win so badly I have temporarily lost control of my convictions."

And that's where Obama stepped in.

Now, Obama's no saint, but the reason it was so hard to trash him throughout this campaign is that he made few glaring missteps. Even the missteps the media reported on were exaggerated or the work of some other member of the campaign (yeah, we mean you, Joe Biden), and ultimately, we grew bored with covering the contest. It had been easy to pick on Clinton, Kucinich, Romney, and Bob Dole (man, we miss '96-- that dude was constant comedy.) But once Obama and McCain stepped into the ring this summer, all the drama seemed to fall away. It was like two fighters whose eyes sagged and their trainers had to slap them around: "Hey, go out and get 'em, it's not over yet!" But from then on, it was only potshots (William Ayers = yawn) and the usual droning putdowns ("see, this is a fundamental difference between blah blah blah...")

Ironically, just as everyone seemed to get terribly excited about the race, we lost all interest in it. And it wasn't just because Obama was on a clear path to victory. It just saddened us to watch McCain's desperation grow more and more pathetic and his rhetoric become more hollow with every "my friends" and "Joe the Plumber" reference. McCain entered the campaign as one of the most popular politicians in the country, with a near 70% national approval rating. He leaves it having done a complete 180-degree about-face into irrelevance.

Well, were there 10 examples enough in there? If not, here's our Top 10 Reasons To Vote For Barack Obama Today (assuming you haven't voted already and aren't able to have a Diebold machine and reverse your vote):

10. Obama has energized young people like never before. And studies show young people are better informed on the issues than the over 30 crowd.

9. Even Stephen Colbert had to sort of "break character" and endorse Obama. Yep, it was necessary.

8. A Missouri newspaper, which had called the civil rights marchers "Negro trash" in a front page headline in 1963, endorsed Barack Obama yesterday. If Obama can't help solve the still-lingering racial issues in our union, no one can.

7. After eight years of the worst President in American history, Ralph Nader would be welcome. But you know who wouldn't? A guy who promises to continue the policies of that worst President.

6. After eight years of the worst speaker in Presidential history, a guy who gets knocked for his "good speeches" by a Vice Presidential candidate who ~~doesn't even know what the fuck she's talking about~~ (excuse me, that was impolite) doesn't even know what a Vice President does is going to be much more tolerable.

5. Don't believe the McCain spin: Barack Obama is going to cut taxes on the middle class. He has to-- he knows that not only would conservatives call him on it, but liberals would be right there with them. He won't take away your guns either, unless you own rocket launchers and intend to use them.

4. Because he picked a gaffe-laden candidate with a good heart and the right experience to balance the ticket, while the other guy picked the very personification of a gaffe, a Governor with a thirst for vendettas, love of the worst kind of discourse, and relishes lying in a way that would warm the heart of Richard Nixon.

3. Healthcare for many Americans vs. healthcare for the rich. Social security vs. privitization. Tax cuts for the middle class or a soaring national debt. War in Iran vs. better diplomacy first. Hope vs. cynicism. Experience vs. Ineptness.

2. Sarah Palin. It bears repeating. There is little doubt she will be President before 2012 if McCain is elected. That alone would disqualify her ticket from getting a vote, no matter which party it comes from.

1. We need you. This is a personal plea from all of us. We don't care if you're in Nevada, Oregon, Montana, or here in New York, where Obama will "win anyway." You have nothing better to do today, and that includes eating, working, and using the restroom. That's no joke. And damn it, you get free Ben & Jerry's-- and since you have to vote to get it, it might as well be for someone who at least seems to care about us, no matter what else you think about him. The same can't be said for the other names on the ballot...

That is all. Now go.

Related:

Election Nightmare Video Scarier Than Saw V, For Sure

Crush of the Week: Jim Vokac

More Girls Say "Yes"

Vote Girl: Disenfranchised

McCain May Have Committed Vehicular Manslaughter in 1964

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Sloppy Seconds: Guy Ritchie's Death Threat

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:51:00 GMT

You know, tomorrow isn't all about Obama vs. McCain; it's also about discrimination and hatred. Comedian Ben Lerman would like all cocksuckers (both male and female) to unite in opposition to Proposition 8. And he wrote a little song about it. [Ben Lerman]

Pete Seger just discovered the Internets. "An internet magazine! So you don't have to cut down trees. I'll be damned." [Pitchfork]

Zack and Miri's attempt to make a porno for some dollar bills failed movie executives miserably. [Vulture]

Are you at all surprised that Sarah Palin's SNL episode got better ratings than the angry grandpa's? We're not. [Us]

Yes, Joaquin Phoenix is really quitting acting for good this time. For real. Seriously. [People]

So, did Bert and Ernie make the timeline of landmark gay moments in television? [Mercury News]

A crazed 16-year-old Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's newest film with a knife, screaming, "I love Madonna, where's Guy? I am going to kill him! I'm Madonna's biggest fan! I'm going to kill Guy." [FameCrawler]

Did You Vote? Then Babeland Would Like To Give You A Free Sex Toy...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:28:00 GMT

Ben & Jerry's... Starbucks... or Toys in Babeland?

Which establishment will you hit up first with your "I Voted" sticker on? All three are offering delicious giveaways in honor of tomorrow's Electoral Grudgefest...

According to your favorite islamofascist news network (MSNBC!), Babeland is giving away $15-20 in sex toys, for starters:

Babeland, with stores in New York, Los Angeles and Seattle, is offering a pair of self-gratifying incentives for voters who present their registration cards, ballot stubs or “word of honor” that they voted next Tuesday.
The rewards are no-so-subtle reminders of this year’s campaign rhetoric. For men, it’s the “Maverick,” a "sleeve" for self-pleasuring. According to a press release, “He’s always there to lend a hand, he works for every man, and he bucks the status quo.” Women can choose the “Silver Bullet” mini-vibrator, which is “a magical solution to difficult problems” and “a great stress-reliever during these troubled economic times!” The promotion lasts through Nov. 11.

Meanwhile, Starbucks is giving away "a free brew" (you only need to enter into the honor system for that) and Ben & Jerry's is giving out free scoops from 5-8pm, with no indication of voting requirement.

So, vote in the morning, get a free coffee, work (or, better yet, GOTV), then hit up Ben & Jerry's at 5, swing by Babeland for the Silver Bullet (kind of a creepy name for a Presidential election, but whatever), and have a fun evening no matter who wins.

Via MSNBC.

Related:

Vote Girl: Disenfranchised

Wired Magazine Tracking Real-Time Voter Fraud... So You Know Where To Not Vote

Yes Girls for Obama

If You're A Liberal And Terrified Your Vote Won't Count...

Shirley Nagel: The Wicked Witch of Halloween

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:51:00 GMT

Meet Shirley Nagel. She decided, that on Halloween, she would only hand out candy to children of parents who supported her choice for President.

Oh her door hung a sign that read, "No handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters or kids of supporters."

When asked by a reporter about the kids that would leave empty handed and in tears she replied, "Oh well, everybody has a choice."

Well, Ms. Nagel, we listened to Rush Limbaugh when we were 13—that wasn't really a choice. And look how we turned out.

Watch the video of the scariest thing to happen to Halloween since Elisabeth Hasselbeck dressed up as Ronald Reagan here.

[MyFox Detroit: No Treats for Obama Supporters]

Related:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Stumps for Sarah Palin, We Drink Heavily

Sloppy Seconds: Queen Latifah on Being Gay

While You Were Sleeping: Janet Jackson Hospitalized

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Get Scurrred

Emily Farris — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Is there anything scarier than thinking that Elisabeth Hasselbeck might win?

Highs:

We remembered most of what we learned in the fifth grade.

And if that's not enough of a time suck...

We realized we live in a pretty sexy neighborhood.

We were more proud of our home state than we've ever been.

We looked at some rad art.

Bra recycling, anyone?

More girls said "yes" to Obama.

We proposed to Ryan Gosling (and still haven't heard back).

We got some shit on John McCain. We think.

We like vaginas made out of just anything, so what?

Lows:

We learned that Google's Mail Goggles are of no use to us anymore.

After all of the great Fey-Palin skits, SNL had a huge fail.

We wondered if we're bad feminists.

Did we actually, finally overload on cute?

Um, no.

We were totally fucking disenfranchised.

We realized that we were relegated to a life of being the crazy cat lady a long, long time ago.

We remembered what fun dressing up as a couple can be.

We presented you with a very scary choice.

While You Were Sleeping: Halloween Edition

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

(Un-)happy Halloween, everyone: a woman's memories of life with her serial killer Dad.

A disturbing mugshot is the capper for a drama teacher's teaching career, which follows her arrest for having sex with three teenage boys.

A woman's dying wish was to vote for Barack Obama. Luckily, she cast her ballot (hopefully it'll be counted, goddamn it) and within the hour, she passed away.

Check out this creepy interview with Joe Francis, in which he claims Lindsay Lohan isn't a lesbian... even though she's a lesbian.

All kidding aside, this is truly horrible: Jennifer Hudson's nephew is believed to have shot dead in the SUV his body was found in.

A man was arrested for refusing to pay extra after a friend ate off his buffet plate. He was hauled off to jail kicking and screaming. (Okay, maybe not, but we wanted to keep the Halloween theme going.)

Another reason to vote Obama: we need Supreme Court Justices who understand the First Amendment. For God's sake, these nutjobs won't even allow swear words in their courtrooms during a case involving our First Amendment right to use swear words. The idea of McCain bringing in two or more folks just these is... truly scary.

Related:

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Did 8-Year-Old Emily Know Scanner Emily Would Become the Crazy Cat Lady?

Scanner Roundtable: The Best and Worst Couple Halloween Costumes

Caption This: "The View" Gets Political

Cute Overload Keeps the Pets in Costumes Coming

Top 10 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgeries

Sloppy Seconds: The Naked Lesbian Bubble Bath

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:36:00 GMT

Barbara Walters hit on-- oh God, make it stop-- Michael Phelps.

McCain continues to close in on Obama in the popular vote... at least according to CNN and other journalists desperate for an angle. Meanwhile, Obama is way ahead in the Electoral College. (By the way, don't miss this newly-resurfaced story from the Chicago Tribune, published in 2006, about the chances of an Obama Presidential bid... and the glorious response, in its comments section.)

The Strollerderby shattered a myth about your boobs... letting us know that a new study

disproves the popular conception that nursing results in sagging breasts - a condition technically known as breast ptosis.
The real causes of sagging breasts, according to the researchers, are far less noble: increased age, higher BMI, number of pregnancies, bigger pre-pregnancy cup size, and smoking.

JuicyCampus.com, a controversial gossip site, may be getting banned at Georgetown.

There was a "naked lesbian bubble bath" on America's Next Top Model last night. Of course, ANTM does not air on HBO, so nothing to see here, move along.

After all that, Denise Richards isn't being put out to pasture.

And that nutjob who carved the "B" (backwards!) into her own face and said Obama did it is going to join R.P. McMurphy and The Chief.

While You Were Sleeping: More Pregnant Celebrities

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Men's Health Should Worry More About Men's Sanity

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

Election Nightmare Video Scarier Than Saw V, For Sure

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 19:46:00 GMT

John McCain spoke in front of a large rally in Pottsville, Pennsylvania on Monday and was met by a few dozen demonstraters, and, as often happens at these things, the discourse quicky turned vitriolic...

In this video, a man can clearly be heard shouting "Bomb Obama" on multiple occasions and then saying he knows people who will shoot the Senator from Illinois if he becomes President. We always caught wind of a guy who claims to be a Democrat (somehow we doubt that) saying he could never vote for a black man.

With the polls tightening, although Obama expanding his lead in several red and swing states, we are certainly going to see more of this fear, hatemongering, racism, and general unpleasantness in the next five days. (Memo to McCain supporters: if your only reasons for not supporting Obama are guys he served on a school board with or the fact that you heard he was "born in Kenya," maybe you should do some fact checking before talking to people with cameras.)

By the way, see also this HuffPo piece: McCain Funded Work Of Palestinian His Campaign Hopes To Tie To Obama

Related:

Presidential Candidate Dogs Annoy The Sh*t Out Of Us

McCain May Have Committed Vehicular Manslaughter in 1964

Crazy McCain Volunteer Was Not Marked With a "B"

Video of the Day: The Mourning After

Crazy McCain's Even Crazier Brother's Crazy 911 Call

Wired Magazine Tracking Real-Time Voter Fraud... So You Know Where To Not Vote

While You Were Sleeping: Who The Hell Is Gerald Butler?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

How did a traffic cop know to arrest a random guy who was driving by him? Because the guy was driving the cop's truck.

In election news: Obama delivered his 30 minute ad to the nation. McCain, meanwhile, is resorting to attacking Obama via robocalls-- in Arizona.

Do you think this time they'll get it right in the Phil Spector trial?

This Joe the (Not Really A) Plumber guy is really starting to get on our nerves. Worse yet, he may start singing country music.

Oooh, the Beatles might have songs on Rock Band pretty soon.

We'll find out on November 7th whether the guy who attacked Noel Gallagher was drunk or just trying to save us from another Oasis album.

We think Gerard Butler is going to be the next big star. So does everyone else, which means he already is.

And this photo (seen above) should give you a hint what the new Guy Ritchie-Robert Downey-Sacha Baron Cohen-Sherlock Holmes movie is going to be like.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Minnie Driver Pops Out A Future Celebrity

Robert Downey Jr. Used to Love Himself, Compulsively.

While You Were Sleeping: The Third Iron Man

While You Were Sleeping: The Trial of Keanu Reeves

While You Were Sleeping: Watch Karl Rove Fight Off A Bunch of Hippies

Hot or Not? Heidi Klum's Got Milk Ad

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Vietnam believes small chests are unhealthy and that thin people shouldn't operate motor vehicles. Believe it or not, this is a health initiative.

T.I. voted in Georgia, despite being a convicted felon and a guy we didn't think would ever show up to vote.

This top 10 list of "Things I Hate Absolutely Hate About Heteronormative Dating" doesn't always hit the nail on the head, but these entries we can agree with:

3. If you show emotion too early on or too much of it, you are needy.

8. If you have sex too early you ruined it.

9. If you don't have sex early on you are a prude.

The rest can be found here.

A man stole a male "enhancement" cream (in quotes because it doesn't do anything-- or so we've heard, we swear), tried it out in the store's bathroom, failed to satisfy himself, checked out the Barbie dolls, exposed himself in the aisle, and returned to the bathroom to try again. Yep, that's pretty much all there is to that story.

This guy is either drunk or a McCain campaign worker trying to muck things up.

That naughty Shakira... she made everything think she was pregnant, but it turned out it was just a publicity stunt for her new album. Blah.

And today's Miss CoEd at CoEd magazine is Erika Nicole, who really wants the Phillies to win tonight, so much show that she's willing to leak dozens of photos of herself in very little clothing to give the team a morale, um, boost.

Related:

Leryn Franco Makes Up For Missing Out On The Whole "Nude Olympians Craze"

...Shakira Allegedly Rocked Yacht With Two Dudes And A Camera

Hollywood Directors Lend McCain a Hand

Throbbing Hearts Can Get Kind of Messy

Sloppy Seconds: Which Olsen Twin Would Like You to Put a Baby in Her?

Who Would You Rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Ann Coulter?

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:01:00 GMT

We're really sorry to do this to you, but it's not like either of these conservative women is conventionally unattractive. So, if you had to pick one, who would you rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck or Ann Coulter?

Related:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Stumps for Sarah Palin, We Drink Heavily

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Ann Coulter is a Man, Baby (According to Some Guy and a Computer)

Ann Coulter: Hillary More Conservative Than McCain

Ow, My Eyes! "Ann Coulter Lite" Is Anti-Everything We Hold Awesome

Presidential Candidate Dogs Annoy The Sh*t Out Of Us

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:26:00 GMT

After 4,000 votes, the above-pictured dog was named the winner of the "My Dog Looks Like Obama" photo competition.

While we understand that dog lovers can't control their urges to share their boring candids with the rest of us, there's something that sticks in our collective craws about these pics...

And wait till you see the McCain lookalike winner...

The Obama winner, first off, is Amore Francine of Mt. Clemens, MI, a boxer weighing a mere 52 pounds. (Insert Cassius Clay joke here.) Amore, by the way, couldn't give a cat's ass about his latest triumph, insisting that he has no opinion on the US Presidential race: "Whichever one keeps me in the most red balls and spikes my water bowl with J&B, that's the one I lick-- er, like-- the best."

And here's your "My Dog Looks Like McCain" winner... and some equally brutal runners up:

Now that's more like it. (The others, plus more about this silly contest, can be found here.)

Upside Down Dogs Freak Us the F*ck Out

McCain May Have Committed Vehicular Manslaughter in 1964

More Girls Say "Yes"

Vote Girl: Disenfranchised

Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

BREAKING: McCain May Have Committed Vehicular Manslaughter in 1964

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 14:31:00 GMT

This could be akin to either a) CBS releasing fake George W. Bush AWOL documents or b) George W. Bush's drunk-driving arrest coming to light the last week of the election and causing him to lose the popular vote.

If it's true, in this case, it means the end of John McCain as a Presidential candidate...

From a Huffington Post e-mail blast at 10:23 this morning:

For the past two months, a major American magazine and an allied news service have been engaged in a legal battle with the United States Navy over records that they believe show that John McCain once was involved in an automobile accident that injured or, perhaps, killed another individual.

Vanity Fair magazine and the National Security News Service claim to have knowledge "developed from first-hand sources" of a car crash that involved then-Lt. McCain in 1964, according to legal filings. Lawyers for the NSNS allege that a cover-up may be at play.

Here's the full story from Sam Stein.

What do you think? Is this a trap to embarrass Obama somehow? A completely baseless rumor? Or do you think it's true?

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Stumps for Sarah Palin, We Drink Heavily

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 14:33:00 GMT

At a rally in Tampa, FL yesterday The View's resident Republican and woman we love to hate, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, introduced Sarah Palin and her accessories including, but not limited to, her "priceless" flag pin and her special-needs child.

It's not pretty. If you can handle nearly ten minutes of Hasselbeck's tortured metaphors, click on through. Or wait until you can get home and pour yourself a drink. We had to watch this in two minute shifts with a shot of whiskey in between each.

P.S. The Anchorage Daily News endorsed Obama yesterday, too. That is all. Thanks.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: What's Wrong With This Picture?

Sloppy Seconds: Queen Latifah on Being Gay

Sloppy Seconds: Has Colin Powell Finally Made Up His Mind?

Sloppy Seconds: The Baldwins on Gay Marriage and the Unfortunate Pairing of Heidi Montag and Britney Spears

While You Were Sleeping: Janet Jackson Hospitalized

Sloppy Seconds: Lily Allen Would Very Much Like Sir Elton John to F*ck Off, Seriously

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy McCain Volunteer Was Not Marked With a "B" (At Least Not by an Obama Supporter)

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Fans of Maya Rudolph and Michelle Obama: your political comedy wet dream just came true. [Vulture]

A 23-year-old man died during an eating contest. [SNAFU-ed]

Guy Ritchie has been hitting the town with Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. We can't wait to see what kind-of trouble these three get into. [Us]

George Bush's former press secretary and fame whore Scott McClellan is publicly supporting Barack Obama. [Yahoo!]

Earlier this week a woman claims she was attacked by an Obama supporter for having a McCain sticker on her car. She said the man carved the letter "B" into her face with a knife. Now, she admits, the story is completely false. [KDKA]