Scanner : jezebel

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Fight

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

According to Jezebel, the love letter is dead but the breakup e-mail is strong with this generation.

Michelle Rodriguez from Lost flipped out at a wedding-- if you believe this nonsense story.

But what happens when the pants come off? Push-up underwear for men isn't expected to go over big with Croatian women.

The Craigslist Killer may have murdered to help cover his gambling debts. Dumbasses-- don't gamble what you don't have in your bank account or you'll end up like this guy.

If you have a sword and dress like a ninja and are attempting to commit robberies, a dry cleaner is probably low on your list of priorities.

While wife Amy suffered burns on her leg due to... um... "a cooking accident," Blake Fielder-Civil has demanded his lover allow him to take a paternity test.

A woman who works for Fox61 in Connecticut was arrested twice in three hours in the same neighborhood and by the same officer, both times for driving drunk.

The Seinfeld adult film spoof is real... and features the Porn Nazi.

And a 52-year-old stripper, enjoying her first day on the job, was stabbed in the eye by a jealous co-worker.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Because Breast Milk is Cheaper Than Cow's Milk?

Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

We Finally Figured Out Why Marilyn Manson Dumped Dita Von Teese...

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Tina Fey Was On Sesame Street?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

It was over two years ago, but you think we'd remember something this good.

Luckily, Jezebel and Strollerderby broke out the video yesterday to remind us of it. The occasion? The Sesame Street DVD from that season will be out on Tuesday. Hopefully, this video will stay up on YouTube until then. (And, by the way, never let it be said that Tina Fey can't act. She manages to keep a straight face during all this nonsense.)

Related:

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Feist Is Very Well-Qualified to Teach Counting on Sesame Street

Hair Has Hair Down Thare

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:06:00 GMT

That's the cast of the musical "Hair," which was performed free in Central Park last summer and is enjoying a revival right now on Broadway.

While the show is expected to be a success and has been generating decent buzz, the gossip rags have found a way to bash it in their own special way: by mocking the cast for perceived hangups about the show's full-frontal nudity...

The always-professional Post reports:

IT'S the real thing when it comes to the full-frontal nudity in the revival of "Hair." A rumor floating around Broadway was that the actresses playing the unshaven '60s hippies in the rock musical were being fitted with pubic hairpieces so they wouldn't have to give up their Brazilian waxes. But a rep for the show, which opens Tuesday at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre, says all hair will be strictly home grown. "It's all natural. There are no merkins in the show at all," he laughed. [NY Post]

Jezebel mocks Murdoch's goons right back:

So gross: The cast of Hair may not have as much of the titular item as they're supposed to… especially down there. Rumors floating around the revival allude to the fact that many of the women in the cast are going to be wearing merkins (seriously, Google that shit) so they won't have to give up their wax/shave schedule. Broadway is disgusting, y'all. [Jezebel]

We don't care, we'll go see it, merkins or muffins...

Related:

World Naked Bike Ride Takes Over the Southern Hemisphere

New Jersey Contemplates Ban on Brazilian Wax

Otto, the Gay Zombie Flick on DVD Today

NYU Boys Learn How to Clean Up Down There

O No! O Magazine's Warning to Waxers

What Exactly Do You Do With Your Hair Down There?

Ina Maier — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 22:46:00 GMT

Brazillian, Bikini, Sphinx, Landing Strip. All wonderful options, all not quite right for the nefarious hair that grows down there in our sparkly bits. Until now.

In what appears to be a perfect confluence of events, (Scanner Emily already brought it up, and I happen to have a 6:15 appointment with my favorite waxing wonder Maya), Sadie over at Jezebel just made a fine argument for the new-to-us Swiss Miss. So, what exactly is it?

According to Sadie, its what happens when you take the "best of Brazilian technology and combine it with a more natural aesthetic." In other words, it's a sneaky Brazillian. It's all bush on the top and all bare on the bottom. And we can't help but get behind this movement. It's the answer to all our pussy prayers - a silky soft underside without all the pre-pubescent purity that a Landing Strip (or lack thereof) implies.

So, who's with us?

Sexytime Shopping List

NYU Boys Learn How to Clean Up Down There

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:37:00 GMT

We've heard Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" played all over the place for the last six months or so, always thinking we were listening to TV on the Radio. We should know better, considering Kyp Malone of TVOTR used to be our upstairs neighbor. But, apparently living close to coolness does not make one cool.

After discovering that the man singing was Justin Vernon we set out to learn one thing: does he have a beard? You fucking bet he does.

Watch these videos and tell us you're not in love with him, too:

We totally want him to put a baby in us. But just one.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Kitty Cam is the Only Cure for Our Winter Blues

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 21:06:00 GMT

Hot on the paw steps of Puppy Cam is something that this crazy cat lady can't get enough of today: that's right, it's Kitty Cam.

We ("we" being Scanner Emily and my cat, Eve, pictured above) have been streaming Kitty Cam since we first read about it on Jezebel this morning. And as the Jezzies pointed out, the only downside was a lack of sound. But then, all of a sudden, at 2:56, we heard the meeps of six little fur balls.

The sound has been in and out since then, but earlier someone at Kitty Central was on the phone trying to work out the kinks (including the fact that the mic is picking up barking dogs in the background). But sound or no sound, we can't think of anything we'd rather be doing right now than watching a playpen full of felines. Well, that and filling out an application for a second KITTEH.

Prepare to swoon.

[VideoGum via Jezebel]

Related:

Let's Curl up With a Pile of Puppies

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Stuff We Absolutely Need to Validate Ourselves: Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

Did 8-Year-Old Emily Know Scanner Emily Would Become the Crazy Cat Lady?

Caption This: The International Cat Show, Otherwise Known as The Crazy Cat Lady Convention

Adorable Cat Wants To Rob You Blind

Video of the Day: Lolcats Come to Life

We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did.

We understand there are spiritual issues behind the length of this beard and by all means if you think God wants you to grow a beard, who are we to argue? But we just can't, er don't want to, imagine getting our feet all tangled up in this thing during sex:

via videosift.com

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:43:00 GMT

It's pretty obvious to everyone by this point that the LOST producers and writers have no idea what they're talking about. So we're not surprised that two of the producers last night called Dr. Jack Shephard's beard "gross." While we saw the beard in Season 4, it made a re-appearance in Season 5. And since stupid Ben Linus made Jack shave it off last night, we will honor the great beard that was, after the jump.

Yummy! Damn you, Benjamin Linus!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Our Bearded Man of Last Week Has Some Issues

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

So, we're starting to think we should just find a homeless dude to be our boyfriend. Because we're definitely not turned off by this picture of Joaquin Phoenix. In fact—well, never mind...

Anyway, that's not why we're posting it. The poor guy fell at a concert last week and after watching the video (after the jump) we want to just scoop him up and hug him. And maybe, just maybe, throw him in a shower to sober him up. But we're keeping the beard!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

[via LadyThrills]

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:57:00 GMT

Last month, a slew of New York City bartenders decided to grow out their beards, just for the hell of it. Well, that and to make us rethink our rule against dating bartenders. And our decision to leave to leave New York.

Glorious hairy pictures after the jump...

[Time Out New York: Bear market indeed: Unshaven bartenders face off]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:37:00 GMT

We've always like Joaquin Phoenix just fine. We loved him in "Walk the Line" and even, shamefully, in "The Village." But we've never wanted to, you know, shove him into the nearest bathroom stall and rip his clothes of. Well, not until now, anyway. Joaquin grew a beard!

We pulled this image from Dlisted. They didn't like his beard as much over there, just look at what the image was named: http://www.dlisted.com/node/29980/images/joaquinishideous2.jpg

That's fine D, we'll take him at Scanner.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Sloppy Seconds: More Sex and the City?

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 23:53:00 GMT

Ada Calhoun, from our not so slutty sister site Babble, weighs in on Facebook's nipple ban. [TIME]

We're usually all about Kelly Clarkson's girl power lyrics, but not so much with her new single "My Life Would Suck Without You." [FadedYouth]

Speaking of girl power, did you know it's Women's Self-Empowerment Week? And do we really need a Women's Self-Empowerment Week? [Jezebel]

Jennifer Love Hewitt is back on the market, in case you're interested. (We're guessing you're not). [People]

Steve Jobs is not dying. He will continue to over-charge us for upgrades, monitors not covered under warranty and warranties. [Yahoo!]

Rich, happy, healthy Gwyneth Paltrow shares her secrets for shedding those pesky holiday pounds: just cut out meat, dairy, fat, potatoes, tomatoes, sugar, alcohol and caffeine. Easy! [Us]

Crazy lady and and Sex and the City stylist Patricia Field is starting a rumor: that there will be a Sex and the City: The Movie sequel. Are you excited? We are. Shut up. [MTV]

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:01:00 GMT

Sorry we're a little (okay, a lot) late on the Bearded Man this week. Believe it or not, we had a hard time coming up with one (send bearded men to scanner@nerve.com or straight to Scanner Emily in Kansas City!) until we saw this little headline: "POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?"

Hot damn!

We think the beard is a vast improvement on his royal baby face. What do you think?

[People: POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

This Week in Gayness: Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke Get Personal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:47:00 GMT

Allen Ginsberg actually believed (well, maybe that's too strong a word) Henry Kissinger would strip naked with him on national television in a bid to promote world peace.

The gay blogs are taking an "ex-gay" to task for appearing in anti anti-hate crime ads.

A divorced Mom in (surprise, surprise) Tennessee is not allowed to have her lesbian lover stay over. The lesbian lover has taken extreme measures to ensure the bigoted judge does not win...

Angel Chandler's partner, who has been with Ms. Chandler for nearly 10 years, was given a "paramour" restriction by the family court, despite the fact that a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation deemed Ms. Chandler's partner to be "a positive influence on her children." According to Jeanne Sager of Strollerderby, "The ACLU has stepped into the fray, filing a brief this week that urges the court to remove the paramour restriction, calling it unconstitutional for interfering with Chandler's abilities to raise her children as she sees fit."
For now, Chandler and her partner are getting around the ruling by living side-by-side in a duplex. [Jezebel]

If you consider yourself "trans" anything, it's better just to stay away from Memphis, as we've learned from this and other recent news stories.

Yay! Campbell's Soup is on the pro-gay side.

A New Jersey church is being sued for discrimination. These idiots think they are above the law or something? You can't discriminate against gay people, not even in Jersey!

If you're so upset at people for getting married and yet despise straight divorce, maybe you should get behind California's "Please Don't Divorce Us" campaign. Hey, you might learn something.

Battlestar Galactica has a gay character, it seems.

Poor Mickey Rourke is getting desperate in his bid for an Oscar. Check out the alleged text message he sent about rival Sean Penn:

“Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno" [Defamer]

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

Top 5 Sex Scenes From... 2007

Sloppy Seconds: "I Don't Need Your Sex, I'll Masturbate"

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 18:21:00 GMT

It's the end of the year as we know it...

Self-proclaimed "sex kitten," singer ("Santa Baby"), actress and all-around cool chick, Eartha Kitt, is dead at 81. [AP]

Our old friend Scanner Sarah, now Salon Sarah (Hepola) explores the death of the celebrity scandal in 2008—a year chock full of, well, celebrity scandal. [Salon]

Jezebel rounds up their top eight Lezebels (girls who like girls who are liked by the ladies at Jezebel) of 2008. We have a hard time believing they couldn't have made it a top 10, though. Hello? Wanda Sykes? Maaaaybe Queen Latifah? [Jezebel]

Hollywood.com rounds up The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of 2008—mostly a bunch of people we've never heard of, or at least pretend not to know. [Hollywood.com]

The Village Voice rounds up the worst lyrics of 2008. While we're sort of partial to T-Pain's "I don't need your sex/I'll masturbate" from Therapy we have to agree with the choice of Nickelback's "You look so much cuter with something in your mouth" from the aptly titled Something in Your Mouth, and even Usher's "You order Chinese food right before you do me" from Trading Places. [Village Voice]

Stay tuned for Scanner's round ups when the year is actually over...

[Image]

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 19:12:00 GMT

I was busy moving into my new apartment yesterday so I wasn't able to post the bearded man of the week. But come on folks, this week it could really only be one guy—the ultimate bearded man...

Santa Claus!

No one rocks the beard better than Santa. His is the biggest, the longest and for being the biggest and the longest it is, by far, the cleanest. However, we're more partial to the natural look on Santa.

You?

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Better Than Porn: Whiskerino

[Image, Image]

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:26:00 GMT

No, we have not run out of bearded men to feature here on Scanner after just three short weeks (even though we seem to have no access to them, the world is full of beautiful bearded men), but we did come across a bearded woman who is a little bit our soul mate and a lot our hero. Oh, also she's absolutely adorable, if you can believe it.

Okay, so she doesn't grow her own beard, but she puts more care into it than most men put into the scraggly mops on their faces (we love those, too). Plus we're all for putting more beards in the world, real or fake. And we're so adding one of Erin's beards to our Christmas list.

[Beards.]

[Beards on Etsy]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Better Than Porn: Whiskerino

ABC Calls Drunken Teenage Anal Sex "Love Making," Interviews Jezzies and Ultimately Tries to be Helpful

Emily Farris — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:38:00 GMT

More and more teenagers are having unprotected anal sex, according to an ABC article that refers to drunken, teenage anal sex as "love making" and informs us that Jezebel's Tracie Egan didn't even know how to clean herself after her first time.

Egan said that when she had anal sex with a boyfriend for the first time at 26, she was drunk, used no condom -- they were monogamous -- and didn't even know how to clean herself. "Lack of sex education in school is really bothersome to me," she said. "Even I don't know about a lot of the biological issues."

Unfortunately, as the article points out, due to abstienence only educatio, most teenagers don't know the first thing about anal sex. Plus, if you don't know what you're doing, it can be dangerous.

Like a proctologist once told us after we asked about anal sex it, er, opens your anal tissue up to tearing, which can lead to direct blood exposure to infected fluid. And as Jezebel's Megan Carpentier pointed out, "How many times do teens go to a pediatrician, not a gynecologist?" she said. "And when I was 18, my mother was still in the room."

A sampling of quotes from teenagers interviewed for the article shows just how uninformed teenagers still are about anal sex:

"I know some teens who did it just to try, and some who didn't have a condom available," said one 18-year-old Californian who did not want her name used.

"I think that it's less taboo simply because people are more open to trying new things," said her 23-year-old sister. "The younger crowd might be scared by the idea of getting pregnant, so they assume it's safer."

One recent graduate of a New England college said one of her classmates was a "hard-core" Catholic who was rumored to have engaged in risky behavior.

"She only had anal sex with her boyfriend until they were married because that technically kept her a virgin," said the 25-year-old who wanted to remain anonymous.

Things obviously haven't changed that much from when we were teenagers—not that it was that long ago—when our friends had anal sex to please their boyfriends while preserving their technical virginity.

ABC we commend you for writing about this topic, though we must laugh and point at your use of the term "love making."

[ABC: Study Reports Anal Sex on Rise Among Teens]

Taylor Swift: Joe Jonas Likes It Up the Butt

How Long Were You a "Technical Virgin?"

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Today in WTF: Virginity Pledges Actually Work?

But What Will I Tell My Dad?

[Image]

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 22:53:00 GMT

If there's one thing we love more than bearded men here at Scanner, it's funny bearded men. If there is more than one thing we love more than bearded men, the other is bearded men who are funny and also have bellies. What can we say? We like big, warm, cuddly, funny hairy dudes. Especially when it's "dangerously cold" outside.

That is why our Bearded Man of the Week is comedian Zach Galifianakis.

We're really sad the video cut out before the effeminate gay basher. Perhaps we could get him to do it for us in person before we go. We've seen Zach hanging out at the bar four doors down from our apartment, on multiple occasions, but have yet to stop in and say "hi." He's also friends with our old friend Bobby.

Anyway, Zach, keep the beard and the funny coming and we'll love you forever. Hell, even if you lose the funny, keep the beard (and the belly).

[zachgalifianakis.com]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Better Than Porn: Whiskerino

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

New Issue of "Pinups" Gets Us All Hot and Bothered

[Image]

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Emily Farris — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:24:00 GMT

Now that it's getting miserably cold outside—at least in Brooklyn—we're staring a new feature to keep us nice and warm here at Scanner (okay, really it's to keep me, Scanner Emily, from drying up...I like to objectify and fetishize men sometimes, you know?).

Each week, at least until we start showing some skin again, we're going to bring you a beautiful bearded man.

This week's bearded man is Sam Beam, the musical genius behind Iron & Wine...what we happen to listen to every day in the shower, er, every day that we shower (which is most days).

While he performs live with a band, Beam is pretty much a one-man act, at least when it comes to recording.

Listen. Love. Watch some women dance.

Sam Beam, we would like to dance for you.

[Iron & Wine]

Related:

New Issue of "Pinups" Gets Us All Hot and Bothered

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

Who Are You and What Have You Done With Robert Downey, Jr?

"Pinups" Issue No. 5 Gets a 10

[Image, Image]

Sloppy Seconds: The Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Controversy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:31:00 GMT

We're wrapping up early today so we can stay glued to the TV. Check out our election thread here.

The Examiner examined the worst celebrity magazine covers of all time. Guess how many are David Duchovny photos?

Another naked prank went wrong.

How the hell did this end up in a kid's Halloween candy bag?

When their children returned from Halloween trick-or-treating, a couple found suspected methamphetamine and $85 in cash among their 7-year-old son's Snickers bars and Skittles. Lars and Shelly Brosdahl called police, who confirmed that the substance was methamphetamine, worth up to $200 on the street. [AP/Yahoo]

An enraged husband and his two brothers got a drunk and cut off his dick as revenge for a supposed sex act committed with the enraged man's wife.

A man who raped a horse got off easy. (No pun intended, please!)

Brooke Smith's role as Dr. Erica Hahn on Grey's Anatomy is over. Do you think it's discrimination? The argument didn't convince us either way.

And the Kate Winslet-Vanity Fair photos Scanner Emily posted yesterday are causing the predictable controvsery. Airbrushed? Photoshopped? Who cares?

Related:

Kate Winslet Takes it Off for Vanity Fair

Woman Kills Rapist With Shotgun Blast Through Her Front Door

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

Gisele Bundchen Finds Another Excuse To Take Off Her Clothes

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students... On Video

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

24 Things Guys Do That Keep Them From Getting Laid

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 14:19:00 GMT

#21: see above tan.

Megan, who is guest blogging on Jezebel these days, has been stirring up the comment section's hornet nest over there, starting with her post "Men and Sex: A Guy's Guide to Getting It On." The list is almost totally spot-on... although we always have to wonder where girls find these guys... and why there weren't red flags before the guys made these glaring faux pas...

Don't pre-emptively tell me you have a small penis.
Don't drop the n-bomb during a discussion on the walk back to your place.
Don't ever say to me, "Your breasts don't look like the ones in my magazines."
Don't call it "my junk" or any pet names when asking me to touch it.
In fact, don't ask me to touch it. I know you want me to touch it. I will do so when and if I want to. If we are in a public place, I don't want to.
Don't text me on a Tuesday night after midnight "I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted." I'm not.
Don't lick my face. I get flashbacks from Silence of the Lambs.
If we are friends on a social networking site, I strongly recommend not joining groups that I can see that identify you as someone looking for anonymous NSA hook-ups. There aren't thick enough condoms in the world for me to dip my toe into that pool.
Don't tell me you and your wife have "an arrangement." Unless you can provide a signed, notarized affidavit to that effect, I don't believe you and if you can, see the previous answer.
Don't ask me if my friend might be interested in a threesome.
I don't care if you and your friend are interested in a threesome.
Telling me how hard you are going to fuck me is only hot when we are a) naked and b) on the verge of fucking. In a well-lit bar in front of 10 of our colleagues at a work event, it's presumptuous and gross.
Don't keep offering to buy me more alcohol to work the odds when I've indicated a desire to leave. The odds are that I will drink your damn alcohol and still not want to have sex with you.
Don't try to guilt me into something. You are not my mother, and you don't have her skills.
Don't offer to Saran Wrap my genitals to eat me out because you are scared of disease. You should be. You probably have one, but we both know it's not from eating a lot of pussy.
Don't ask if it's okay to fuck me up the ass because you don't have condoms and are "scared" of getting me pregnant.
Don't hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.
Don't "neg" me. That works on insecure little 20-somethings that think they have something to prove. Me it just annoys and you are not remotely hot/smart/rich/powerful enough to intimidate me into thinking I want you to have sex with me.
Don't use a stupid euphemism for fucking. If The Bloodhound Gang used it in a song, it should not be called that if you're trying to actually get laid.
Never, ever utter the word or attempt to motorboat.

The post caused an immediate sensation that even woke up the cultural latecomers at the New York Times. Yesterday, Megan posted a followup that defended her choices:

It also inspired a response from The Times' Sathnam Sanghera, who said that "modern man is an impossible position when it comes to seduction." Um, actually, that's sort of the point. Seduction, is after all, by definition the act of convincing a woman to do something she doesn't want to do.

We thought, in a show of solidary with Megan and to add a voice to the communication meltdown that's threatening our very civilization, that we should round it out at a solid two dozen...

21. See above tan. If you look like that, go back to Square One and regroup.

22. Quit while you're ahead. If she's going for you, take it easy, settle in and enjoy the evening. Don't over do it.

23. Don't discuss the bill for more than two seconds. As Megan puts it, some people want to pay, some want to be paid for. With that in mind, feel her out on the check, then accept whatever vibe she's giving off.

24. Avoid creating controversy just to keep things interesting. Bringing up politics for the sake of keeping the conversation going ties back to 22.

Via Jezebel.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Lookin' For Asian Women

Scanner Roundtable: Could You Date a Bisexual Man? (A Question for the Ladies)

MTV Launches Sex Talk Show, We Relive Our Awkward Youth

Cutie With Big Brown Eyes Seeks Mate for Play or Serious Relationship

Ellen and Portia's Wedding Video Makes Us Cry All Over Our Keyboard

The Internet: No Longer for Porn

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 20:41:00 GMT

Are you too busy stalking that guy on Facebook or MySpace to worry about porn? According to "an internet researcher" you are.

Internet researcher Bill Tancer analyzed information for more than 10 million Web visitors and concluded that "young users spend so much time on social networks that they don't have time to look at adult sites."

He said surfing for porn had dropped to about 10 percent of searches from 20 percent a decade ago.

The top Internet searches now are on sites such as MySpace and Facebook.

"As social-networking traffic has increased, visits to porn sites have decreased," said Tancer, adding that 18- to 24-year-olds particularly are searching less for porn.

[Jezebel via NY Post]

Diablo Cody: My Hero

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:02:00 GMT

And not just because she has amazing tattoos and spent a good deal of her life with silicon toys up her ass. Well, okay, silicon toys have a little something to do with it.

Diablo Cody recently "reached out" to her critics via her MySpace blog:

...I am not Charlie Kaufman or Sofia Coppola (much as I supplicate at their Cannes-weary feet.) I'm not Paul Thomas Anderson. I'm not even Paul W.S. Anderson. I am middle-class trash from the Midwest. I'm a competent nonfiction writer, an admittedly green screenwriter, and a product of Hollywood, USA. I am "Diablo Cody" and if you're not a fan, go rent Prospero's Books again and leave me the fuck alone.

I may have won 19 awards that you don't feel I earned, but it's neither original nor relevant to slag on Juno. Really. And you're not some bold, singular voice of dissent, You are exactly like everyone else in your zeitgeisty-demo-lifestyle pod. You are even like me. (I, too, loved Arrested Development! Aren't we a pretty pair of cultural mavericks? Hey, let's go bitch about how Black Kids are overrated!)

I'm sorry that while you were shooting your failed opus at Tisch, I was jamming toxic silicon toys up my ass for money. I get why you're bitter. I took exactly one film class in college and-- with the curious exception of the Douglas Sirk unit—it bored the shit out of me. I also once got busted for loudly crinkling a bag of Jujubes during a classroom screening of Vivre Sa Vie. I don't deserve to be here. We've established that. But I'm here. Five million 12-year-olds think I'm Buck Henry. Accept it...

This is the last I have to say on the subject, unless I'm provoked by a journalist in which case I'll gladly reload. With relish, as Betty Rizzo might say. That said, I'm a 30-year-old woman with a dwindling interest in blog culture, and I don't have time to address this bullshit every time one of my projects comes out. I'm in love, I just bought a house, and my boss made E.T. I kind of have to focus on reality.

And drinking. I have to focus on drinking.

In case you're wondering, we haven't even seen Juno. Not because we don't want to, or becuase people tell us it's "pretentious." We just don't see movies very often. We're pretty sure we'd like it (save the "honest to blog" line). Perhaps we'll rent it on iTunes tonight. After we find a way to get Diablo Cody to buy us a beer—or four.

[via Jezebel]

Sloppy Seconds: Carmen Electra's Stripping Tips

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:43:00 GMT

A Baltimore cult starved a 19 month old to death for not saying "amen" before eating dinner. His mother, who was a member of 1 Mind Ministries, has been charged with first-degree murder, which suddenly seems insufficient for prosecuting criminals of this magnitude.

Jason Statham was physically removed from the Playboy Mansion, but it's not for stealing Hugh's stable of blonds...

The members of Velvet Revolver may have chosen their new frontman...

...we hope the rumors of Lenny Kravitz being spotted in a recording studio with the band turn out to be totally untrue.

Is this condom ad too bizarre to be sexy or what?

Let's hope Scarlett Johansson doesn't try another cover album.

This woman lost part of her lawsuit settlement because she'd had some amount of alcohol, any amount of alcohol, at the time she was sexually assaulted.

And not to make light of the above, but we conclude with Carmen Electra's stripping tips, some of which include:

"There's a little trick that I've learned from a few dancers, if you wear thigh-high boots, then you don't hurt your legs as much if you're doing pole work. If you do it, you've got to let go and just feel it. It's okay to sort of learn the steps and know what you're going to do with your movement, but once you get there you just have to let it all go. Don't fake it," she said...

Related:

Teenage Girl Gets 2 Month Sentence For False Rape Allegation

The Best Review of the Worst Movie Ever

Scarlett Johansson's Music Video, Scanner Nicole Responds

The Results Are In: Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Obama and McCain Condoms: F**cking Silly

Sloppy Seconds: "I Need Sex"

Buck Angel Too Much Man... Or Is It Too Much Woman... For Porn?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:31:00 GMT

Forget the phony "Pregnant Man." The latest transgender success story is way better...

Buck Angel is lighting up the blogosphere with a wave of publicity, from Jezebel to the Village Voice, detailing his life as a woman who became a man but stayed a woman but decided to do some awesome pornographic movies. His website calls him the "first and only" female-to-male transsexual porn star:

As the undisputed king of transgender porn, Buck Angel thrives on his ability to deconstruct traditional notions of masculinity. He unabashedly promotes himself as a man with a pussy.
Angel's performance at the Black Party was a direct challenge to the men who have pretty much run the gay-rights movement for decades... "Men who have been fucked, fisted, shackled, flogged, and pissed upon have finally crossed a lurid and yet rarely discussed carnal threshold. They have seen, in person, a pussy."

Angel himself concedes that his unconventional plumbing causes discomfort among gay men: "I don't conform to what you tell me I should do," he says. "...Gender is not black and white. And I'm putting that out there in your face."

(Wikipedia points out that although "he is by no means the only transman to have ever worked in pornography, he is certainly one of the best-known and best-paid FTM (female-to-male) transsexual pornographic actors to date.)

Here's Buck naked:

Buck Angel's career as a man with a pussy continues apace. And he remains as defiant as ever: "There are no rules, as far as I'm concerned," Angel says. "Nobody can deny I am a man. I am not conforming to anyone who says I'm not. Nobody can tell me different." [Village Voice]

Also via Jezebel.

The Real Candidate of Change: Transgender GOP'er

This Week in Gayness: Virginia Accidentally Marries Gay Men

Sloppy Seconds: Elizabeth Hasselbeck Not Sure What A Vibrator Is For

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:09:00 GMT

Holy shit, maybe cheaper is better: PBR is now the #1 (American owned) beer.

Maybe Maxim isn't so evil after all: They named Sarah Jessica Parker their "Unexpected Crush." Which is still kind of an insult, if you think about it.

Speaking of SJP, the Washingtonienne prostitute/underpaid Congressional staffer is about to have her own HBO "comedy" series, produced by the star of "Sex and the City." Please, enough with these cable hooker shows-- there have got to be some decent ideas out there somewhere.

Cover your ears, Britney Spears has been spotted in the vicinity of a recording studio.

Katherine Heigel isn't leaving Grey's Anatomy after all. Good, because that whole "brain tumor" thing they were going to use to kill off her character is so soap-y, and Grey's isn't a soap opera... is it?

Google's earnings this quarter were disappointing. Let us be the first to say, this is the beginning of the... naw, their world takeover rolls on, momentarily impeded.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck has never used a vibrator. Either her husband has the world's best dick or this story goes a long way toward explaining why she's such an uptight pain in the ass.

Do you all Project Runway? We couldn't imagine anything less appealing than a show where whiny fashionistas assemble magically hideous clothing, but apparently this Tim Gunn dude is hilarious.

Vote In Playboy's Sexiest Female Blogger Poll

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 19:47:00 GMT

Or boycott said vote for their non-inclusion of Scanner Emily or Scanner Nicole or Nicole Ankowski or Erin Bradley or... well, yet the point. We think there should be a huge tie for number one, just among our fellow Nerve bloggers...

...but... if you want to see the not-nearly-as-worthy Playboy picks, check out some of our picks, below:

First, there's Violet Blue, below and above, one of our favorite bloggers (sight unseen, of course):

Then there's Sarah Lacy, who is apparently on Yahoo! and some sort of big deal on ValleyWag is definitely the cutest blogger on the list...

Also on the list is Veronica Belmont. According to the article, she is "co-host of the digital technology vlog Tekzilla [and] host of PlayStation's Qore."

There's too much "vlogger" on this list for it to really qualify as a definitive list of hot "bloggers." (For example, none of the Jezebel hotties made it, maybe because they don't look like centerfolds... thank God.)

Via Playboy: Hottest Web Bloggers (Vote!)

Hillary Can't Beat Obama, But She Can Vote For Him

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 20:12:00 GMT

Hey, did you know that 89 years ago today, Congress approved the women's suffrage amendment before passing it onto the states for ratification? Neither did we. Thanks, Jezebel, for the history lesson.

[Jezebel]

[Wikipedia]

Me, Myself and My Breasts

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:42:00 GMT

BBC America is airing two news specials about breasts—one big, one small.

While we're not sure about their grammatical choices ("My Big Breasts and Me" vs. "My Small Breasts and I") we wish we had cable so we could catch these shows that fallow women with breasts both big and small and the everyday annoyances that come along with each.

SMALL: "My Small Breasts and I uncovers the complex, poignant and sometimes amusing relationship women have with their tiny breasts. Talking candidly, three women reveal how they really feel about their own bodies and the lengths to which they'll go to, to change their situation."

BIG: "Great Britain is home to the biggest breasts in all of Europe. But for many women, this isn't good news. In this documentary, meet three women who feel defined by their naturally big breasts, and find out what it's really like to have a cup size at the far end of the alphabet."

Jezebel has a clip of 23-year-old Jodi who is 5' 1" and wears a 28K bra size (Is that European? Either way, it's big).

Previously: Hello Boys!