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Masturbate-A-Thon 2009 Champion One Horny Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:14:00 GMT

Did any of our Bay Area readers attend the 2009 Masturbate-A-Thon last week? We would've been there, but we were too busy getting laid-- ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.

Seriously, some guy named Masanobu Sato shattered his previous record for longest solo jerk at the annual event, with a cringe-inducing total of...

9 hours and 58 minutes. Dude, what, nine hours was fine, but you couldn't handle moving into the double digits? Sato spoke with San Francisco Weekly to explain just how the hell someone has a ten hour boner without 100mg's of Viagra...

The Snitch: What was the secret to you going for nearly 10 hours?

Sato: "My abundant imagination was a key to my triumph firstly. Secondly, I trained a lot in Japan from the time I won the 1st prize last year. I swam twice a week, and gained about 5 kgs in muscle.That helped me a lot, too in terms of stamina. Thirdly, the variety of sensations each TENGA gave me was ideal for long masturbation. Without those variety sensations, my dick would feel the same sensation for a long time, which would paralyze my dick in the end. I use as many as 10 different TENGAs so that my dick avoids being paralyzed."

There you have it gents-- the reason you're only able to last 30 seconds, even when picturing members of The View in your head, is because you're not working out enough.

Was there any point you felt you couldn't go on? How did you get through those moments?

"Yes. Twice I felt I couldn't go on. I took great advantage of Japanese pornos as I prepared. Also I imagined many supporters in Japan including my girlfriend, family, co-workers etc...that I can't let them down."

Were you exhausted afterward?

"Definitely. I was so exhausted that I couldn't get up on time next day when I was supposed to go to airport to go back to Japan. Luckily, I didn't miss the flight though."

Did you ever have an orgasm?"Yes. I've come once in a halfway round. I continued masturbating without taking any rest or becoming flaccid then."

By the way, TENGAs are a sex toy shop that's being promoted by the champion wanksta... in case you can't read his shirt.

Sato goes on to mention a World Championship this month in Copenhagen (road trip!) and ends with these unforgettable words:

I'm very happy that my family understands me well. Ordinary families in Japan don't do so. I wonder how US families are like....

Are you kidding me? Every Mom and Dad in America thinks their unmarried children are all virgins who don't even know what masturbation means...

Read the rest of the interview and see photos from the event here.

Celebrate National Masturbation Month with the Masturbate-a-Thon

Today in WTF: Crying Japanese Sumo Baby Contest

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 21:32:00 GMT

We'd heard about this from friends of ours that had lived in Japan, but we couldn't imagine it was an annual event... or that it took place in multiple cities, with throngs of onlookers actually enjoying babies crying at deafening volumes.

Thankfully, LiveLeak has video to go with our story...

The festival translates as "Baby Cry-sumo" and participants are sat facing each other on tiny wrestling mats, then given some a reason to cry about it. The baby that cries the loudest is declared the winner and is considered blessed with health and happiness. Or something.

What weirded us out the most is all the laughing, smiling locals and tourists standing around the screamfest. How the hell can they stand all that? When we're in a restaurant with these monsters, we ask to move to another table, preferably by the kitchen, where the chef's screaming usually drowns out all others and bring us the health and happiness we were seeking.

Is this child abuse or the next Fox reality show, starring fat white Americans? Unfortunately, we'd guess both.

Related:

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Sexy Tattoos From The Pre-Badass Era

Japan Destroys America Again in Cuteness Department

We Missed Out on National Penis Day 2009

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 May 2009 18:22:00 GMT

Damn it, tipsters, you're supposed to keep an eye out for all the bizarre news coming out of Japan. It's no easy task, we'll admit, since the rate of crazy news to "Beavers Build Dam in Creek"-type boring news is probably 50,000-to-1. But those of you pervs who scour the pages of various websites looking for words like "peen" and "wangs" to amuse yourselves should have caught this one...

Culled from various reports:

National Penis Day. Also called Hounen Matsuri.

When I asked a Japanese friend of mine why we don't deserve one here in the United States, he told me, in America, they call them Politicians instead of a Penis. It figures.

Every year a new wooden phallus is carved from a cypress tree that has been purified. The newly carved phallus will then be the main focus of the procession that at its end will be placed into a shrine.

Thought to be benefical by by many Japanese and obscene by many Westerners, Hounen Matsuri is held on March 15th every year in the small town of Komaki, which is just outside of Nagoya.

This Hounen festival and ceremony, which has been going on for around 1500 years, celebrate the blessings of a bountiful harvest and all manner of prosperity and fertility and the all are welcome.

Here's a link to some of the more bizarre photos... or check out our favorites below:

On top of that, we also missed the more-recent National Penis Day in New Zealand, which is much less "National" and more like "radio station gimmick." It turns out a DJ tried to raise awareness/money for charity by having naked people strip in public and form phallic symbols.

More Crap From Japan That We're Losing Our Sh*t Over: The Kung Fu Bear

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Sloppy Seconds: Hand Jobs Involving the Mouth

While You Were Sleeping: The Endless Power of Bras

Japanese Underwear That's Fun to Wear...For Five Days?

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 16:13:00 GMT

It's always handy for one's underwears to be flame-resistant and anti-static, but now the Japanese have invented underwear that does all that and takes it a few steps further: it's anti-bacterial, anti-odor, and can be worn for more than a week straight.

But, um, why would anyone want to? What's the practical purpose for this?

Astronauts-- and, on a more applicable level for non-astronauts, travel. Koichii Wakata, who has been testing these drawers out, is the first Japanese astronaut living on the International Space Station, which has no laundry facilities. And taking baggage into space is expensive, so you can see how extended-wear underwear would be useful.

Still, we're not quite sold. Maybe the underwear wouldn't smell, ~~butt~~ but...

Man Steals Underwear from Victoria's Secret, We Share Our Victoria's Secret

Agent Provocateur Wants You to Eat Kate Moss and Buy Crotchless Underwear

Japanese TV Steals Americas Funniest Videos, Sells it Cheaper (Video)

Colleen Kane — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 23:10:00 GMT

I'ts just like the auto industry all over again. Japan took the parts of "AFV" that get the most LOLs, aka the kicks to the balls, and then exploited it for their own gain.

At least, that's what appears to be happening in this video. Who the hell knows what's really going on.

73-Year-Old Porn Star a Japanese Sensation, American Media Obsession

Video of the Day: Japanese Develop "Vibrator In Your Ass" Alarm Clock

Via DoubleViking.com

Extreme Cat Lady Breastfeeding a Cat

Colleen Kane — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:37:00 GMT

Oh, the things we do for you, like watching this gross video we cannot unsee: a Japanese woman breastfeeding a cat. (It's an oldie but a goodie, removed from the cleansed YouTube, but resurfaced on Spike.com.)

Breastfeeding The Cat

Questions for discussion:

Why?

How?

But...Why?

What was the announcer yelling so enthusiastically?

Related:

Do You Care if It's Really Angelina Jolie Breastfeeding in This Picture?

Breastfeeding: If You Can Ask For It, You Don't Get To Do It

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

China and Japan At War Again, This Time Over Who Has the Best Sex Tape Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:19:00 GMT

This may be one of the most impressive sex tapes around. For not only does it feature a very lucky man getting it on with a very attractive lady, it goes on to involve three more women in the course of one recording.

Japan's ultimate fighter Hayato “Mach” Sakurai, who fought a widely-publicized event on New Year's Eve, is seen here in a sex tape that has been making the rounds on his country's most risque blogs. Sakurai isn't talking about it-- not just because it was a distraction from his training, but because his wife may not be too happy to have seen him banging four different women.

Meanwhile, China is still dealing with its first major sex tape story-- the latest chapter involves internet sensation (and, thanks to her online nudity, current prison inmate) Kappa Girl being offered a movie deal by Harmony Films in the UK. It may help her transition to fame, since most of her blog entries are in Mandarian or another language English-only pervs obviously can't appreciate. (More about her case here, via Fleshbot.)

Of course, if anything interesting should surface in a language we can roughly fathom, we'll post it here.

Thousands of Naked Japanese Men Reach For the Big Stick

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 21:12:00 GMT

In Saidaiji, Japan, the local men are forming groups consisting of loincloth-wearing friends and practicing chants in their garages. No, they aren't starting an Old School-style adult fraternity. They are gearing up for the annual Naked Man Festival, which is both better and more disappointing than its name applies.

After the jump: "Hadaka ni narimashou!" Which roughly translates to, "Let's get naked!"

According to one travel website, the festival reaches its climax at 11:59 on a cold February eve:

As midnight nears, the outside lights are cut off leaving just a yellow glow inside the temple showing hundreds of men in their white fundoshi, stretching their arms up to the Gods, waiting for the shingi to be dropped. [Via]

What is the shingi? It's a piece of wood that is supposed to bring the catcher, as well as his teammates, good luck for one year. In other words, thousands of naked men, crammed together in near darkness, wait breathlessly for a giant boner to be thrown their way. Hmmm...

There is a reason why it is called the naked man festival.

The man designated the “Spirit Man” is actually completely naked. There is a ritual performed prior to the start of the actual festival when he is stripped naked and completely shaven of ALL bodily hair. His task is to then walk from one end of the street to the shrine at the opposite end.

Of course to get there, he has to make his way through all that mass of other men in fundoshi (loin cloth) who are tossing water, possibly drunk from all that sake, and all struggling to touch the Spirit Man for good luck. So somewhere in that mass is one lone naked man being grabbed by a bunch of other men.

So yes, OMG, this is soooo gay is right. LOL. [Via]

Whatever. Just send us the hilarious video from this year's event, guys.

Related:

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While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Wants To Be Used... For Her Brain

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Sloppy Seconds: The Craigslist Crackdown on Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 21:53:00 GMT

The awesome sounding Ghostbusters game, featuring the original cast and creators, will be out in 2009, thanks to Atari, who rescued the franchise.

A heartbreaking post from a lesbian mom in California is here. Madonna, meanwhile, attacked Prop 8 in an LA concert and had Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake perform live with her, albeit at separate times.

A male major in the Japanese air force was busted for shopping for women's underwear... while naked.

Kanye West broke his media silence to give an interview in Singapore about what the Beatles mean to him.

Race was not a factor in the election in West Virginia. Take that, Bill Clinton!

Samantha Who star Christina Applegate will undergo reconstructive surgery following her double mastectomy.

Michelle Monaghan gave birth to a wee lil' gal.

And Craigslist will no charge $10 per erotic service ad, in an apparent attempt to crush the human trafficking that's been going on there.

The Giant Penis Is Watching Over You

Sloppy Seconds: The Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Controversy

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

While You Were Sleeping: The Jennifer Hudson Horror Story Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Just before we wrapped up for the day on Friday, we heard about a man accusing the NYPD of sexually assaulting him by sticking a walkie-talkie up his ass. We're not sure we buy the guy's story, but he did end up in the hospital after being arrested, so that may mean something's up.

Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney is so scared for his political future, he backed out of a debate with his Republican opponent with barely any notice. Meanwhile, we applaud his wife for sticking up for herself by filing for divorce from this pig.

In a bizarre turn of events, Amy Poehler didn't show up for her Saturday Night Live scenes this weekened, although she gave a fairly reasonably explanation:

[H]er former co-stars were celebrating when the show was aired on Saturday night, telling a cheering crowd: "Amy Poehler is not here tonight because she is having a baby."
Poehler won't return to SNL after her maternity leave - she is planning a spin-off series to the hit U.S. version of The Office.

Aw, man... it's a case of "poof and she's gone." The show won't be the same without you, Amy.

Meet us in St. Louis: "Sex, Politics, and You," an art exhibit, has set up shop in Missouri.

A sixteen-year-old boy asked the Times if they thought it was "unhealthy" that he wants to try on his Mom's lyrca leggings.

What not to do if you are afraid to get married: set a hotel on fire so you can ruin the ceremony. (By the way, his reason for not getting married? He already is married... to somebody else.)

"I thought if I set a fire I wouldn't have to go through with the wedding," the Yomiuri quoted him as telling police.

Guests at the hotel were evacuated and no one was injured when he set the fire in the early hours of Sunday morning at the resort hotel... west of Tokyo.
Tatsuhiko Kawata and his fiancee had been set to get married before 80 guests. He was arrested after suddenly cancelling the event and behaving suspiciously, the Yomiuri said.

And Jennifer Hudson's sister has pleaded for the safety of her son after Jennifer's mother and brother were murdered in their Illinois home. Jennifer, meanwhile, has offered $100,000 as a reward for the boy's safe return.

Related:

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

Today in WTF: Ex-Candidate For Kentucky Gov. Arrested For Sex Offenses After Obvious Joke

British Airways Invites You To Join The Mile High Club

That Sex Toy Is... Pooooisssoooon

Exposed: Joe the Plumber (Don't Worry, No Butt Crack Shots)

World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

Monkey, Could You Get Us a Beer?

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 20:05:00 GMT

This monkey works at a restaurant in Japan serving customers drinks and bringing them towels because, as far as animals go, monkeys are really good at stuff. Another monkey works here too. Because of animal rights laws, they can only work two hours a day. People tip them in soya beans.

We get that this is sort of problematic, but exploitative as it may be, we can't help getting excited by the idea of a monkey hobbling around in a little shirt bringing people stuff.

Watch this video and tell us you don't want a waiter monkey.

Going to Japan? Don't Forget Your Parasol and Pink Wig.

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 19:17:00 GMT

We've just learned about another extremely strange fashion trend in Japan: Gothic-Lolita.

Serious, what the shit is this? Apparently it involves a lot of bows.

Thankfully, Reuters has taken the time to deliver us from our own ignorance by explaining the trend in more detail.

According to 24-year-old, part-time worker Eriko Enokizome, "Lolita is my basic needs. Without Lolita, I cannot be myself so I'm extremely glad that I found Lolita fashion."

Hmmm. OK. What else?

"Gothic-Lolita fashion is like that special magic that allows me to become a different character," said 25-year-old businesswoman Chizuru Matsuda.

"It's been eight years since I discovered this fashion, but it took me two years to actually complete my overall style."

Right. Still have no goddamn clue what is going on. But that's cool. Who needs logical explanations of fashion trends when you've got coordinated ruffles!

73-Year-Old Porn Star a Japanese Sensation, American Media Obsession

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:01:00 GMT

This is Shigeo Tokuda. CNN, Time Magazine and various other "well-respected" media outlets are obsessed with him. "Why?" you ask...

Because he's a 73-year-old Japanese porn star. In this video, Tokuda celebrates his inexplicable success in the Japanese porn industry and hopes he can continue until he's at least 80.

Ah, Japan. We can never decide which is more bizarre, the charming abundance of sexual fetishes in Japan (Seriously? Bandage fetish??) or the American media's relentless fixation on them.

Bonkers Japanese Teen Sex Meta-Comic Will Haunt Our Holiday Weekend

Bryan Christian — Fri, 23 May 2008 18:51:00 GMT

... and now it will haunt yours, too! See ya next week!

It's a huge pic, so give it a sec to load -- but you can click here if it hangs.

Shopping for the Perfect Bra to Carry Your Mangoes?

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 21 May 2008 19:22:00 GMT

You know those 10-year-old grimey canvas bags you do your "eco-friendly" shopping with? They may be good for the environment, but it's disgusting that you actually put food in them. If you're finally ready to class-up, the bra on this lady folds out into two reusable, lacy red shopping bags.

It's called the No! Shopping Bag Bra, and it's nice to see underwear is finally pulling its weight in the fight against pollution.

Just reach right in there, and pull out the bags next time you're at the check out. For those of you who weren't so good in home ec, mechanics and inner workings below.

Ill-Received New DC Comics Character Totally Floats our Boat

Bryan Christian — Tue, 20 May 2008 18:03:00 GMT

Meet Shy Crazy Lolita Canary. She's a tiny bird-girl in a private-school outfit who -- as a member of DC's new, supposedly Japanese pop culture superteam Super Young Team -- apparently has the bone-shattering ability to scream "Pardon me" with the combined voices of a million teens. Also: we pretty much love her, even though we've only seen the proto sketch featured above.

Not everyone is a fan, though. Google her name and "Final Crisis," which is the DC book that she and her team make their first appearance in, and you'll find more than a little displeasure aimed her way. Super Young Team, say their detractors, are too goofy to be taken seriously (unlike The Great Ten, a generally well-received supposedly Chinese superteam created by the same writer, comics genius/madman Grant Morrison), and maybe a little racist to boot. Like, are all superheroes of Asian nationalities gonna have stilted, overdescriptive names?

Well, we see the point, but to you, Skeptical Comic Book Guy, we also say: Get a life. For one thing, Morrison pretty much made his name reviving C- and D-list characters for DC, investing them with a depth and emotional gravity that no one else in the industry might have ever been able to conjure. So maybe if, in two years, Shy Crazy Lolita Canary is still basically a sightgag, and not a fully developed, three-dimensional character in her own right, well, then yeah, people can complain all they want. Until then, knock it off.

For another thing: you know nobody's gonna give a Great Caesar's Ghost about any of this if SCLC and the rest of the Super Young Team kick ass -- and look doing it

See ya in the funny papers!

[via Achtung Baby!]

What's Hiding in Her Boobs?

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 08 May 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Here's a hint, it looks delicious.

Answer:Japanese boob pudding. Not made of boobs necessarily, but definitely shaped like them.

Still confused. Yeah, so are we.

Here it is on the shelf:

Apparently the pudding tastes sweet and milky, natch.

Japanese Film Crew Arrested For Shooting Porn In A McDonald's

Bryan Christian — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 14:01:00 GMT

No, this is not it.

An undisclosed number of filmmakers and actors were arrested last Wednesday in Japan for shooting a porn in a McDonald's earlier in the year.

Producer Kunikazu Ishii, 51, an actress, 21, an actor, 29, and staff were arrested for allegedly shooting a porn film at the McDonald’s outlet around 3 p.m. on Jan 24. A customer noticed them and called police. McDonald’s staff were apparently unaware of what was going on.
One of the suspects was quoted by police as saying, “We didn’t think it would be a problem as long as nobody noticed what we were doing.”

Yeah, we're not buying that one either. You know what would have been a way better excuse? "We didn't think it'd be a problem as long as everyone was lovin' it!" ZING!

Zing?

Whatevs. Hey, we'll make it up to you: click through for the supersexy female version of the above ad.

[via AVN]

More Crap From Japan That We're Losing Our Sh*t Over: The Kung Fu Bear

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 20:27:00 GMT

Because the Penis Parade was apparently just the beginning, this is Claude, an Asiatic Black Bear who lives in a Hiroshima zoological park. According to the video's description:

He's been obsessed with the sticks since he arrived at the Zoo six years ago after his mother was caught in a trap and killed in the forests of Hiroshima.

Obsessed with sticks, or patiently biding his time and training in the sacred art of Kung Fu in order to get sweet revenge on the evil trappers who killed his mom?

Get out your reed flute and play while this bear rides off into the sunset disguised as a deaf-mute peasant in order to avenge the death of his beloved mother.

While You Were Sleeping It Off Yesterday, the Japanese Penis Parade Was Passing You By

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 19:17:00 GMT

Japan's annual Kanamara Festival took place yesterday in Kawasaki. Oh, what's that, you're not familiar with the centuries old Festival of the Steel Phallus where penises are paraded down the street at the beginning of Spring to ask for protection against syphilis and other sexually transmitted diseases? Perhaps you'd like to see the video footage then...

Video of the Day: Japanese Develop Most Humiliating Public Toilet Ever

Bryan Christian — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 16:23:00 GMT

For the second day in a row: inexplicable Japanese TV. No one bothered to translate yesterday's video -- come on, kids, no one out there speaks the Japanese? -- but don't worry: today's video isn't nearly as random. Like, we already knew that we don't wanna have our toilet time revealed for all the world to see, as today's clip demonstrates. We had no idea how much we feared getting a vibrator in our asshole in the morning -- and that kinda sounds like something we'd be open to.

Video of the Day: Japanese Develop "Vibrator In Your Ass" Alarm Clock

Bryan Christian — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:07:00 GMT

Even if we did speak Japanese -- which we don't -- it's entirely possible that we still wouldn't know what in the holy hell is going here. You got a bunch of people trying to sleep and a dude reaching under the covers and waking them up with a personal massager right in their backside... Yeah, we're lost. Anyone out there care to translate for us?

Video of the Day: Japanese TV Show Locates 'Most Beautiful Woman in Italy'

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Italia
by pocarisweater

According to Japan Probe, the premise of this video is as follows:

Find a random woman on the street.
Ask that woman to introduce the film crew to a more beautiful friend.
Have that more beautiful friend introduce the film crew to an even more beautiful friend.
Repeat until one meets the 12th woman - she will be the most beautiful woman in Italy.

Yes. All of these women are cute, if not hot, but more amazing is the host's reaction each time he locates a "more beautiful" woman. What do you all think? Did the method work? Has we found the most beautiful woman in Italy?

NSFW Video of the Day: "Japanese girls f*cked while playing Wii"

Bryan Christian — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 21:48:00 GMT

We don't normally link directly to a porn site like YouPorn, but holy smoke, we just had to share this with you. Japanese porn is a thing all its own, what with its res-ed out genitals and boundless enthusiasm for high-pitched, seemingly pained squealing -- but this catchily titled video goes well above and beyond the standard level of craziness for J-porn. For one thing, you never see the fuck-er, he's just a persistent presense with two hands and an Atari johnson. For another, it manages to shoehorn an entirely separate Japanese obsession into the fun: video games. Which is brilliant, in its way. It's like watching a tea ceremony devoted to the stars of basebaru!

However, we do have to call a tiny foul. We're not entirely sure that these gals are actually playing Wii Tennis the whole time they're getting f'd. Oh, sure, we see 'em swinging their Wii Remotes, and we hear the balls going back and forth (as it were). But seriously: we've never, ever, in the year and change since the Wii came out, ever seen a game of Wii Tennis this un-animated. If this were us, we'd be jumping all around and talking smack and shit. It just doesn't make sense. The eerily disembodied handjobs, we'd be cool with. But this lethargic mode of playing Wii Tennis... that's just downright creepy.

Click here to view "Japanese girls f*cked while playing Wii."

[via Fleshbot]

The Country of Japan, Now Officially Just a Cartoon

sarahhepola — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 16:00:00 GMT

We’re not going to say much about this. We’re just going to give you the link and let you read the article yourself. And the article isn’t from some whack publication we found linked on Digg, it’s from the New York Effing Times. Ready? Here goes: In order to avoid crime, people in Japan are wearing these outfits.

That just happened. (Thank to Lisa for the link.)