Scanner : jamie lynn spears

Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

A new website called "Why the Fuck Do You Have A Kid?"-- is a sort of baffled liberal person's response to Bristol Palin, Jamie Lynn Spears, and the rest of these raised-by-Christian-conservatives teenage moms. Of course, it features disturbing photos that say all we'll ever need to know about their lives.

Some of it, of course, is silly and much of it is patently offensive. A few of the photos, however, need to be laughed at to cover the horror we feel deep down for the babies pictured therein:

This girl doesn't look old enough to conceive a child let alone raise one. The rest fare no better.

While the site is arguably awful, even borderline-worthless, perhaps it will be part of a growing movement of people who aren't afraid to say, "Hey, look, it's great that your teenager wants to bring life into the world, but they can wait five or ten years, since they aren't even allowed to drink when the baby won't stop crying."

A better way to put it might be that the growing acceptance of teen pregnancy by conservative culture (when it isn't an African American teenager whose family is on welfare, of course) has us worried that teenagers will find that there is no longer any taboo about getting pregnant, just about having sex.

Via WTFDYHAK.

Related:

The Rare Knocked Up Midge Doll

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

Sex Ed is Rotten in the State of Texas

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Our Neighbors to the North Get a Blue Ribbon for Sex Education While we FAIL

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:12:00 GMT

A rabbi says he was able to conquer his fear of Nazis... by playing Call of Duty.

First, it was Bob Dole with the Tarantino movies. Now, it's Gary Sinise and Redacted. Why is it the conservatives always attack movies they haven't even seen?

Chris Brown and Rihanna are... writing a book? And it's about domestic abuse?!

Let The Right One In and Milk were released on DVD yesterday. Both are highly recommended.

Jennifer Aniston said she will "always love Brad Pitt" and hopes that they'll be friends again someday.

Oh no... Jamie Lynn Spears is planning to enter a recording studio to make a country album.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are working it out. Sorry, dudes.

There are over 2,000 registered sex offenders on MySpace... 2,000 registered sex offenders just from North Carolina. In other news, people are still "on" MySpace.

And is Jim Cramer the meanest, loudest, most awful crybaby? Well, no, that's Bill O'Reilly, but Cramer does come pretty close at times.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Caption This: Dad to Britney "_________"

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:23:00 GMT

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: More Pregnant Celebrities

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, and Meryl Streep. Is there any way this cast could kick more ass?

Married and awesome Daily Show correspondents Jason Jones and Samantha Bee are working on a show for CBS. Oh no-- does this mean we'll never see them again?

Guess which show has become such a phenomenon it's getting a Jeopardy! category all to itself...?

On Friday, October 17, Jeopardy! will have an entire Mad Men category of questions. To tide you over until then, Jeopardy! and Mad Men Mad Men-themed online version of the game! have teamed up to create an entire [Jezebel]

Dennis Hopper, a longtime Republican, endorsed Barack Obama.

M.I.A. and Jamie Lynn Spears are pregnant, while Victoria Beckham denies it. It's that time of year, apparently.

If you see a celebrity in the supermarket, please don't try to impress them by making obscure references that could be mistaken for faint praise. Especially if Edward Norton is that celebrity.

Hurry up if you want Ringo Starr's autograph. Ever.

While You Were Sleeping: Leighton Meester's Jail Story

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant. Again. (Allegedly.) Probably.

Woman Auctions Off Night of Sex, Gets Pregnant by Anonymous

While You Were Sleeping: Oh, Jeebus... Guess Who's Pregnant Again?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Remember the woman who was allegedly stuck to a toilet for a couple years? Her boyfriend, although charged with a host of crimes in the case, still has time to go out and win the lottery... twice.

We've been waiting for more, um, developments in this case, but nevermind: a Playboy pinup testified in Federal court in the semi-well-known "suitcase full of $800,000" trial.

We absolutely love Nick Nolte. He is a badass without even trying. Check out what he did yesterday:

Nick suffered from "minor smoke inhalation," after attempting to fight a fire with a garden hose at his Malibu home Tuesday, an inspector at the L.A. County Fire Department confirms...

The actor, 67, took action after an electrical malfunction started the blaze in his home office, inspector Ron Haralson told Us. The fire department responded at 11:34 a.m., as TMZ.com first reported.

He didn't run out of the house screaming for help-- he fought that fire until his already-tar-and-smoke-filled lungs couldn't take it anymore. Nice work.

If this is real, then McCain is doomed: one supporter(?) claims to have received a prepaid FedEx return envelope from the McCain campaign asking for a donation. This is either the most desperate fundraising pitch ever or the most ingenious... possibly both.

Speaking of McCain, did you enjoy Tom Brokaw last night? Check him out here, talking about previous electoral campaigns. Pretty interesting.

Cameron Diaz reveals why her relationships don't work out:

"I'm a spoiled brat."

And... well isn't this wonderful? Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again.

Related:

Justin Timberlake: Bringing Matrimony Back?

Cameron Diaz Would Like To Date You... If You Meet Her Demands

While You Were Sleeping: The Tim Gunn Lawsuit

Cultural Clusterf*ck: Gossip Girl Meets 30 Rock

Anti-Teen Pregnancy Ad Proves PETA Doesn't Want Animals To Breed?

Gov. Declares Emergency: Man Stuck To A Port-A-Potty

Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Doesn't Get Dumped

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Spiked Drink

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 21:17:00 GMT

What does it take for gal to file for divorce around here? After 52 years of marriage, the nitwit who married the guy who kept his sex slave daughter in a cage has left him.

Tim Robbins will produce a Showtime pilot starring Josh Lucas. Damn, is Showtime the new HBO or what?

Anderson Cooper may have moved in with his significant other this week...

The Anderson Cooper rumor mill most recently had the flirty CNN anchor dating an assistant to Barry Diller beard Diane Von Furstenberg in the wake of a breakup from 22-year-old JD Ordonez, a marine mammal trainer in California. Now we're told the silver-haired newsman is trying to settle down, albeit with a 24-ish guy, even as he trots the globe to film his upcoming Planet In Peril. A tipster heard from the supposed boyfriend's associates that Cooper asked him to move in and that the boyfriend accepted.

Barney Frank, the gay Congressman from Massachusetts (where else?) is sponsoring a bill to legalize marijuana possession, if the amount is less than, oh, say, 100 ounces.

Speaking of reefer madness: Hype or hilarity? Seth Rogen was asked to leave a "Pineapple Express" after party for smoking dope.

The latest in our continuing series on movies that cannot possibly have a sequel but are going to anyway: I Am Legend.

Good luck with that: Jamie Lynn Spears is getting married.

Starbucks is losing money for the first time in 16 years. We're surprised to be saying this, but we're not thrilled to see Starbucks going down in flames, now that the economy is at least partly dependent on their sales.

Amy Winehouse's Dad says it was a spiked drink that caused his daughter's latest hospital visit. Dude, that chick could sip a Diet Coke and go into convulsions, she's so toxic.

Related:

Pardon Me, But You Seem to Have Some Amy Winehouse In Your Teeth

Topless Seattle Coffeehouse To Take Down Starbucks?

The 50 Sexiest Albums You Must Own (50-41)

New Yorker Reporter Spends Time the California Way-- High on Medicinal Marijuana

Video of the Day: "Pineapple Express" Trailer

Hide Your Cigarettes and Tanning Beds: There's Another Spears Girl in the World

Anti-Teen Pregnancy Ad Proves PETA Doesn't Want Animals To Breed?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:39:00 GMT

PETA, the People For Ethical Treatment of Animals and Extreme Treatment of Abusers, is taking its latest controversial ad national.

The ad, which is entitled "Sex Talk," according to Fox, features two parents who encourage their teenage daughter to start pumping out babies on a continuous basis. And why, pray tell, would you want to run this in Kentwood, La., hometown of Jamie Lynn Spears?

[It starts with] a mother and father sitting down with their teenage daughter in her bedroom and telling her they have to talk about sex. She looks disgusted and embarrassed, until she hears what they say next.

"We think you should be having it, Sweetie," begins her dad.

"A lot of it," adds her mom.

"Get up there and nail everything you can," her father says.

"If it's got a pulse, you should be wrapped around it," the mother finishes.

The shocked girl asks them what will happen if she gets pregnant. They both shrug it off.

"So what?" You should pop out all the kids you want," the father says, waving away her concerns. "We'll just leave them in the shelter, dump them in the street."

Of course, the ad is really about spaying and neutering your pets. But check this darling quote, which is the whole point of wasting your time on this story:

"People often point their fingers at parents of pregnant teens, and we want to let the people who let their animals breed feel the heat too," People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals spokeswoman Melissa Karpel told FOXNews.com. "It's a fun, edgy way to get the message out about a very serious issue."

You don't think she meant PETA will rain terror down on people who let their animals have offspring, do you?

Anyway, here's the full video. The story is here, via FoxNews.

Hide Your Cigarettes and Tanning Beds: There's Another Spears Girl in the World

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 17:56:00 GMT

Okay, we don't know if it's a Spears or an Aldridge, but a baby did come out of Jamie Lynn Spears — not out of her vagina, because she apparently delivered via C-section (gotta keep that shit tight, yo), but still.

Scanner readers, please give a warm welcome to...

...little Maddie Briann (Spears or Aldridge).

Maddie we like. We're "enh" on Briann but at least it's not Krystal or something, right?

[FameCrawler: Jamie Lynn Gives Her Baby A Beautiful Name!!]

Jamie Lynn Spears: Legal in Some States

Sloppy Seconds: Special Pregnancy Edition

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnancy Edition...and Other Stuff

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jamie Lynn Spears a MILF?

Why We'll Never Be Famous: Jamie Lynn Spears' Baby

The Light at the End of the Fallopian Tube: Nickelodeon + Jamie Lynn Spears After School Special?

What Bothers Us Most About Jamie Lynn Spears' Itty Bitty Baby Bump?

Sloppy Seconds: Is Brenda Back on 90210, Too?

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 21:43:00 GMT

Whoopi Goldberg talks anal sex on The View. [GabbyBabble]

Hey, look: some vintage Scarlett Johansson bikini shots. [DerekHail]

We no longer hold the record for going the longest period of time without sex. These little guys have survived 85 million years without it. [Neatorama]

It looks like Scanner Bryan, who is now Island Bryan (or something like that), has to keep up with The Bachelor alumni for his new job. [The Remote Island]

Leave Jamie Lynn alone! Or else you'll get arrested, apparently. [People]

Kelsey Grammer is home after an apparently mild heart attack that landed him in the hospital over the weekend. [Yahoo!]

When a man went in to have his tumor removed, doctors discovered it was a 25-year-old surgical towel. [News.au.com]

Kelly and Donna are returning to the new 90210. So what about Brenda? Apparently there's a petition to get Shannen Doherty to appear on the show. [Us]

Sloppy Seconds: In Which Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz Make Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 21:49:00 GMT

By the time (if ever) we get engaged, we'll probably be twice Jamie Lynn Spears' age and our engagement ring will cost half as much. [FameCrawler]

Is anyone going to read James Frey's new novel? It's supposed to be fiction. [Yahoo!]

If you had groupies, wouldn't you sleep with them? We would, unless we were, say, William Shatner and the Trekkies wanted to act out SciFi fantasies in bed. [Contact Music]

Rep. Larry McKeon, Illinois' first openly-gay politician is dead after suffering a stroke. [Queerty]

Dixie Chicks frontwoman Natalie Maines thinks Jessica Simpson should "pick back" on George Bush after he made a joke about "the Jessica Jinx." We couldn't agree more, and we'll even feed her the lines. [Us]

In the teaser for the upcoming Woody Allen film, Vicky Christina Barcelona, Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz lock lips for about 1.79 seconds. Everyone else is kissing, too, so you'll have to watch closely to catch it. [Defamer]

Spears Family Ties

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 May 2008 20:44:00 GMT

BRITNEY: Why can't I have a sash?

LYNNE: Because it's not your special day, honey. It's Jamie Lynn's special day. Now be quiet and smile pretty.

BRITNEY: None of us would be here if it wasn't for me.

LYNNE: We know, sweetie, but today is about Jamie Lynn.

BRITNEY: Whatever, you know all the headlines are going to be "Britney Spears Attends Sister's Baby Shower."

LYNNE: We know, that's why we gave her the sash.

JAMIE LYNN: Mom, make her shut up! We're supposed to be celebrating my accomplishment.

LYNNE: I know honey. You did real good. Real, real good. We're going to make lots of money from this photo.

BRITNEY: I wore big shoes so I'd be the tallest.

JAMIE LYNN: Mo-om!

LYNNE: God, I hope my breasts look as good in this picture as they did in the mirror this morning.

BRITNEY: Do I look bloated in this dress?

LYNNE: Yes.... I'm so proud of my girls. And my tan.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jamie Lynn Spears a MILF?

Emily Farris — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 22:12:00 GMT

Supermodel/scary lady Naomi Campbell was arrested today at London's Heathrow airport for allegedly spitting at a police officer.

Yes, Jessica Alba is hot. This does not mean she is good at picking baby names. Maybe her fiancé, Cash, had something to do with it?

"It is very comfortable, it's not heavy or scratchy or anything," model Danielle Luminita said of the $122,000 diamond thong she recently sported for a fashion show in Singapore.

Say it ain't so: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are planning a private getaway? Things must be really bad for K-Fed because the only time we've considered reuniting with our ex was when we were feeling really, really bad about ourselves. Cheer up, Kev, and take a vacation alone. It really does help.

Ladies, we hope you already knew this, but Babeland reminds us that the best way to get rid of menstrual cramps is to masturbate. Really, it's the best way to treat any pain; sucks when you break you right arm...

It's kind-of cute that Mick Jagger is trying to look as tall as his date, but even in lifts he's not quite there. Just embrace the fact that you have a tall, hot girlfriend, Mick!

We just had a terrifying thought: does one have to be of legal age for fucking to be considered a MILF? When Jamie Lynn Spears pops out 'lil Spears, will men consider her a MILF? We shudder at the (illegal) thought... We're thinking "MILF" should be retired. We don't know too many moms who aren't hot. What about GILF?

Johnny Depp and His Penis Will Not Be Shilling Trojans

Emily Farris — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 18:53:00 GMT

Contrary to popular belief, Johnny Depp and his penis will not be sporting Magnums for your visceral pleasure.

An early April Fool's Day prank, or just another shoddy bit of celebrity "news"? Either way, a spokeswoman for Johnny Depp says the many reports that the actor is considering a multi-million-dollar offer from Trojan to appear in an ad campaign for its Magnum-brand prophylactics are purest bogus.
"There is no truth to this," says the spokeswoman, Robin Baum. "He has not been approached."

While we would all like to think of Johnny Depp's enlarged penis encased in latex, it's not nice to make up stories that may exaggerate the size of his uh, workload. Plus, Johnny's fans probably already know about Trojans-- maybe somebody in the Jamie Lynn Spears-"The Hills" crowd would be more effective.

Wait—did we just seriously suggest the possibility of Spencer Pratt promoting condoms? (Shudder)

[Portfolio: Johnny Depp to Hawk Condoms? Um, No.]

Photo: Time, Inc.

Sloppy Seconds: Heath Ledger's Love Child?

Emily Farris — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 21:53:00 GMT

We doubt we'll ever fully understand how this is possible, even with the text and photos explaining this incident: a man has been charged with having sex with a table. [Long pause] With a table.

Andy Roddick also has had sex with an inanimte object. We're pretty sure the woman he just married is actually a bus that carries New York City tourists around to look at weird people of Williamsburg.

If you're on that bus or the Bullshit Express, which you can win a trip on if you donate to Johnny McCain, you might consider entering the contest to win dinner with Barack Obama. Just you and Obama. No strings. But please don't let him take you bowling on your second date.

If they refer to themselves that way, we can't be blamed for using the word: The Million Fag March is in full effect. Fred Phelps, are you reading this?

Heath Ledger may have fathered a love child with someone other than Michelle Williams. Jamie Lyn Spears was unavailable for comment.

(ED: Thanks for typing in my stuff, Scanner Brian!)

Abstinence-Only Education Doesn't Work

Emily Farris — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:38:00 GMT

Shocking, shocking news from the Journal of Adolescent Health: teenagers who receive comprehensive sex education are half as likely get knocked up. Really? You don't say.

An analysis of a 2002 federal survey has found that heterosexual teenagers ages 15 to 19 who received comprehensive sex education were about half as likely to report pregnancies as teens who received abstinence-only sex education or no sex education, the Seattle Times reports. The study also found that neither comprehensive sex education nor abstinence-only education appeared to affect teens' risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

The study "echoes" previous research that has found the federal government's promotion of abstinence-only education during the previous 10 years has had little effect on preventing teens from having sex, the Times reports. Abstinence messages are "not working and we've got to stop it," Carole Miller, vice president of education for Planned Parenthood of Western Washington, said, adding, "There are kids getting hurt by this." LeAnn Benn -- national director of Teen-Aid, which supports abstinence-only education -- questioned the study because she said teens who receive abstinence-only education still receive other messages that teen sex is acceptable as long as they practice safer sex.

We don't have much to add to that except, well, duh.

An abstract of the study can be found here.

[Medical News Today: Comprehensive Sex Education Students Less Likely To Have Teen Pregnancies, Study Says]

Sloppy Seconds: What's Stoopider Than Getting Knocked-Up at 16?

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 21:11:00 GMT

Salon wants to know which presidential candidate is better for sex education. [Salon]

A.C. Slater, we always knew you'd do big things in life. We just kind of thought they'd be attached to big men. Frankly, we're a little disappointed. [MollyGood]

Have you ever wondered what tentacle sex is like? We can tell you: it's weird. [Fleshbot]

Do you often find that the food you make out of a box looks nothing like the food on the box? Well, that's what you get for making food out of a box! But looking at the two side-by-side is pretty funny. [BoingBoing]

We could make so, so, so many comments about this, but that would be mean. So we'll just tell it like it is: a high school cheerleader died from complications during surgery to make her breasts just a little more perfect. [Palm Beach Post via Gawker]

Oh, Jamie Lynn Spears. We need to talk. If there's one thing more stupid than getting knocked up at 16, it's getting engaged at 16. [FameCrawler]

Sloppy Seconds: Spitzer's Lady Friend Can Rock Your World, Too

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 21:31:00 GMT

Amy Winehouse's dad almost, kind-of, sort-of claims to be responsible for his daughter's problems. But then doesn't. It's not like he put the crack in her beehive.

While some of our old friends from Nickelodeon have made the voyage into adulthood with us (Christine Tayor and that guy from "Salute Your Shorts" who's now in Rilo Kiley), we still get nostalgic for old-school Nickeloden, like "Hey Dude" and "Clarissa Explains it All." And so does Netorama. But what about "You Can't Say that on Television?"

Like Jamie Lynn Spears and Britney before her, crazy flying prehistoric animals had teenage sex, too.

Ashely "Kristen" Alexandra Dupree can now rock your world. Her songs, available for download, now hold the first and second spots for digital music downloads today.

What Bothers Us Most About Jamie Lynn Spears' Itty Bitty Baby Bump?

Emily Farris — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 18:32:00 GMT

No, it's not that she's covered it in a terrible tie-dyed hoodie, and it's an offense not quite as horrifying as her big sister Britney smoking while pregnant, but still...

It's very obvious that the child just had her hair dyed, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't very obviously bleached, which is not necessarily good for the bun in her oven. While we don't think there's any conclusive evidence against dying one's hair while knocked-up, most doctors strongly urge women to stay away from harsh chemicals, like bleach. Plus, that's just a bad highlight job. (We know, kitty's got claws!)

[Lil' Spears Within a Spears images via our not-so-slutty sister FameCrawler]

You Know You're Too Young to Be Pregnant When You're Not Too Old to Be Grounded

Emily Farris — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:26:00 GMT

Not that anyone questioned that she was too young to get pregnant (except maybe half of the people we went to high school with), but the hilarity lies in what she was grounded for...

Going out with her baby daddy, Casey Aldridge.

We always felt like there were certain milestones in life that would cause our parents to treat us like adults. We've reached none of them, but Jamie Lynn has reached at least one and is still getting grounded. At least Momma Lynne is around to ground her and not off dealing with her crazy big sister, but maybe if she'd done some more grounding of both her girls back in the day...

[Radar: Jamie Lynn Spears' Good 'Reaming]

[Image via images.starpulse.com]

Sloppy Seconds: Hannah Montana is Super Excited for Jamie Lynn Spears, Gary Coleman's Secret Wedding and Beyonce vs. Aretha

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Hannah Montana, or Miley Cyrus, or Miley Ray Cyrus, or whatever the hell her name is, is "proud" of pregnant teenager Jamie Lynn Spears and her ever-expanding womb.

Apparently rents in New York are so high that people are reverting to selling their children into sex slavery.

Gary Coleman has been secretly married for months. She's half his age and twice his size. OK, not really twice his size, but how could we not? She really is about half his age, though.

Beyonce referred to Tina Turner as "the queen" at the Grammys. This did not go over well with Aretha Franklin.

Is The New York Times a little too excited about T. Rex sex?

The Onion lists the worst band names of 2007. Uh, Sex Rat? Butt Stomach? Really? We think Steve Holt would be an awesome band name, though. Thoughts?

Is Bindi Irwin Set to Become America's Next Barely Legal Sex Pot?

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:01:00 GMT

Is Bindi Irwin, the cute little pigtailed mini crocodile hunter ~~orphan~~, well on her way to becoming America's next little sex-pot media mogul? Why don't we let recent history (and the New York Times) be our guide?

The Olsen Twins....

Jamie Lynn Spears (OK, more train wreck than sex pot, but she was well on her way)...

Miley Cyrus (a.k.a Hannah Montana)...

Bindi Irwin:

She has her own show, “Bindi the Jungle Girl,” on the Discovery Kids channel, an offshoot of Discovery Communications. She also stars in a fitness video with her own back-up dancers, and tours the world making public appearances. Last year, she delivered a speech at the National Press Club in Washington about wildlife conservation; a few months later, she was a presenter at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards.

Oh, Bindi, we hardly knew ye.

New York Times: Filing Big Hiking Boots at an Early Age

Dr. Phil Is Drinking the Spears Family Kool-Aid, Y'all!

Bryan Christian — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 16:32:00 GMT

Dr. Phil McGraw seriously wants us to believe that Lynne Spears is actually a good mom. No, sorry, did we say "good"? 'Cause we meant "great"!

"We know the Spears family, particularly the parents," McGraw told People magazine. "An asset that Britney and Jamie Lynn both have is a great and dedicated mother."
McGraw, known for lecturing his guests on his popular talk show, "Dr. Phil," doesn't seem to apply that same philosophy to his friends.
While McGraw admits that Lynne Spears "is troubled right now," he also says she loves her daughters and is "really looking for the positives in this . . . she has her feet squarely and solidly on the ground."

Beyond your standard "WTF" indignation at such a proposterous thing to say, our reaction is: "Dedicated," eh? Because what we love most about this quote is how Dr. Phil managed to use that word instead of "committed," seeing as how, you know, someone in this family eventually will be.

Why We'll Never Be Famous: Jamie Lynn Spears' Baby

Emily Farris — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 14:47:00 GMT

On New Year's Eve we played Celebrity with some friends (you know, the game where everyone puts celebrity names in a hat, or in our case, an unused IKEA planting pot, and someone has to draw and act out the celebrity) and we drew Jamie Lynn Spears' baby. After we got over the hilarity of drunkenly acting out childbirth on the floor ("This hurts, ya'll!"), we considered the fact that Jamie Lynn Spear's unborn child is far more famous than just about everyone in the world. And to that we call bullshit. While we will continue to make that damned embryo famouser by posting shit like this.

This is the Part Where Parents in the State of Washington Thank Jamie Lynn Spears for Getting Knocked-Up at 16

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 16:07:00 GMT

From seattlepi.com: OLYMPIA -- The Bush administration is cutting off funding for abstinence-only sex education in Washington because this state now requires schools to provide additional, medically accurate information about preventing unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnancy Edition...and Other Stuff

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 22:06:00 GMT

We came, we saw, wet got pregnant.

Highs:

We were pleased to learn that funny girls have better sex. And that we retained something from reasoning class, after all.

Scanner Bryan grew some facial hair and raised money for kids.

We got to know our neighbors a little better.

Jessica Simpson came back into our lives. If only for a little while. Twice, actually.

Whether you hated it or loved it, we hope you found the Nerve Holiday Gift Guide helpful.

Lows:

Oh Jamie Lynn, Jamie Lynn, Jamie Lynn.

Someone thinks we should be killing people, but we prefer to stick to inanimate objects, food, modes of transportation, and the like.

Censorship.

We got bored, and turned ourselves into dancing elves. (And rhymed again).

The Light at the End of the Fallopian Tube: Nickelodeon + Jamie Lynn Spears After School Special?

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 19:28:00 GMT

In light of recent events we need not mention yet again, Nickelodeon, the channel that hosts Jamie Lynn's show Zoey 101, is considering a special on teen sex:

"I think it's important that something be done, but I think it's important that it be done in a measured way, and not just to feed the beast of news stories," the potential host, newswoman Linda Ellerbee, said Thursday. "This is a great opportunity for parents at this moment to talk to their kids about this – more important, to listen to their kids about this."

She added: "Right now what Nick is trying to do – and what I am trying to do – is figure out what is the best thing to do for kids."

Yes, Nickelodeon! This seems like a good idea considering there are plenty of parents out there probably doing as good a job as Lynne Spears raising their kids.

Image via juniorcelebs.com