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The 10 Best Things About the New Star Trek

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:58:00 GMT

Haven't seen the new Star Trek yet? You are not alone... in the universe! Ha... is joke.

Seriously, this might end up being the first film in ages to actually draw in significant repeat business-- Trekkies are over the moon, film buffs are racing at warp speed to get home and blog, and we've run out of bad puns already. In other words, don't be left out this weekend...

10. This could be the Star Trek film that breaks the Oscar curse. The series is 0 for 10, mainly in sound and effects categories, and has never been nominated in a category bigger than cinematography. But we would not be surprised, given the quality of movies released this year, that Star Trek pics up nods in screenplay, effects, and even acting categories. You heard it here first.

9. Leonard Nimoy's cameo gives the movie great dramatic weight-- unlike 99.9% of all prequel cameos. Most of the time, when you bring back the star of a film's previous series, it results in mockery and cinematic travesty. For example, Sean Connery's return as James Bond nearly ruined the series, even more so than the casting of Timothy Dalton. Thankfully, this Star Trek is more, say, Diamonds Are Forever than Never Say Never Again.

8. It finally launched little known film director J.J. Abrams's career. Abrams, you probably didn't know, has spent years slumming it as the #1 producer of network television.

7. If this guy hates it, it must be good. The self-described Trekkie fails to see what's great about the movie-- it's Star Trek without all the hokey sci-fi goofing around that turned off so many casual viewers.

6. It makes us want to go watch the first four movies again. (Although, of course, nothing can make us want to watch any of the others.) That's the big difference with this and the Star Wars prequels-- it actually belongs in the series canon.

5. Because J.J. chose quality over a gimmick. Bill Shatner has made no bones (no pun intended) about his disdain for the filmmakers. We see his point-- Nimoy gets a huge supporting role, while Shatner doesn't even merit a walk-on. But Abrams & co. were right to leave that rumored cameo unfilmed-- the scene that would kind-of work, initially slated to follow the climax, could easily have stalled the movie's dramatic momentum and might have sent people out of the theater shaking their heads at the inappropriate side-tracking. Abrams made the very wise decision to not risk the movie's tension-- and it was clearly the right decision.

4. Because it will launch the career of a great young actor, Chris Pine. When we first saw trailers for the film, we kept saying, "Man, the new Kirk looks like a poor man's Ryan Reynolds." And saying someone is anything like Ryan Reynolds is a huge insult where we come from. That "annoying-looking pretty boy model," Chris Pine, turns in he year's best breakthrough performance-- are you listening, MTV?

3. All the ladies agree: Zachary Quinto is the thinking woman's sex symbol for the 21st Century. Spock, as Quinto plays him, is transformed into a studly romantic brainiac badass. Who could've predicted that?

2. This weekend, it will likely become the highest-grossing Tyler Perry movie of all time. Yes-- he's in two scenes and since no one knew he was in the film when it first opened, there were whispers all around: "Hot damn-- is that Madea?"

1. It's just that damn entertaining. We watched the film with a mild fan and two people who had very little interest in the movie-- and all enjoyed it tremendously. They agreed with this reviewer that Star Trek jump-starts a series that had been "mined to exhaustion." Best of all, this weekend, it goes up against Angels and Demons, the sequel to The Da Vinci Code, giving you yet another reason to help keep this atop the box office...

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While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson Is In Trouble Now

Sloppy Seconds: No Bullet-Proof Bras For You

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 22:36:00 GMT

Check out this badass panda ripping some guy's jacket right off his back.

The days of pervy conservatives keeping an eye out for Splash Mountain topless photos are over. Flash away!

What do we think of this list of the Top 10 reasons men don't want sex? (We thought all ten would be "They're not attracted to you.")

Heidi Montag says she'll stay married to Spencer Brat forever. We give it six months, or one more season.

Mia Farrow is still going strong with her hunger strike, which is now at Day 11.

NYC teens are furious Bristol Palin, the "hypocrite," is in town promoting abstinence, which she had said was "unrealistic."

Screengrab picked the ten worst movies of all time-- and almost none of them were on MST3K.

"There is no such thing as a bullet-proof bra!"

Don't forget: passport rules for Mexico and Canada go into effect at the end of the month, not that anyone can afford a vacation these days.

And Will Smith wants to play a black James Bond. Great, just what we need-- pass over Idris Elba for a Hollywood action star-- that's just what the franchise needs.

Sloppy Seconds: These Boobs Are Made of Magic

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 00:20:00 GMT

You may need to right-click these links to open them in a new tab/window.

Here's your Fark-ready story of the day: the speed camera guy was caught speeding!

As if Michael Jackson doesn't have enough problems, he's being sued by a former publicist for $44 million.

The world just discovered that kids are inspired to have sex after watching TV.

Your headline of the day: "Q: What do you do when your little girl is playing with her brother's penis?"

These boobs can do magical tricks.

Wouldn't it be amazing if Stringer Bell became James Bond after Daniel Craig.

Bristol Palin thinks abstinence works. Just when we were beginning to think she was intelligent.

And Kiefer Sutherland had a fight. Unfortunately, it wasn't for 24.

More Olga Kurylenko Nude Photos Surface

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 21:01:00 GMT

When Olga Kurylenko appeared onscreen during Quantum of Solace for the first time, we had two thoughts: "Wow, that was the first time we've seen a Bond girl naked before her career took off" and "She's so much more attractive without all the bad lighting and photoshopping offscreen..."

These photos prove that, as bad as Marc Forster's storytelling technique was, at least he made Olga look hotter than she does in these lousy pictorals...

Not that we're complaining about these photos, but they don't do her justice.

From various sources.

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Top 5 Chase Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:12:00 GMT

While we were working on today's story about the car chase that ended in a car crash involving another, unrelated stolen car, we started thinking about the favorite argument of many a film buff: what is the greatest chase scene of all-time? Bullit? The French Connection? Toy Story?

Here are our five favorites, with enough pedal to the metal to kick your five-day week into high gear...

5. The Road Warrior. No action movie since this film's release in 1982 has come close to its quality. One of the reasons for this is the chase scene, which you only need to see once to remember in such detail. (Warning: this is gritty stuff.)

4. Bullit. Usually, this is ranked as the #1 movie chase scene, although we couldn't get past the fact that the film surrounding this sequence is plodding and uninvolving. But hey, there's a reason every action film set in the Bay Area since the 60s has stolen from this. (That means you, The Rock.) By the way, check out that dude's driving gloves! And hey, is that Goldfinger riding shotgun?

3. The French Connection. A crazed French assassin tries to escape the clutches of Mean Gene Hackman-- but the Frenchman has underestimated Hackman's insane desire to catch him. This is the formula for this chase scene from the 1971 William Friedkin film (he also directed our #1 pick), which many people believe was a basically unplanned sequence. Watching it again so many years later, it's hard to imagine this was staged, even by a crazy auteur like Friedkin-- we doubt a stunt driver would have agreed to plow through pedestrians like this without some kind of safeguards in place.

2. Mad Max - the opening ten minutes of this movie made Mel Gibson a star. Watch them now, complete with one of the best and longest police chases outside of the Los Angeles Metropolitan area...

1. To Live and Die in L.A. When we think of chases, we think of near-misses, lots of lane changes and side streets, huge pileups... and going the wrong way on the freeway. Uh oh.

Other greats include: Ronin, every scene of Vanishing Point and Two-Lane Blacktop, and The Getaway, also with Steve McQueen. Add yours in the comments...

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Some Advice for Future Bond Girls: No More Bikinis

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:48:00 GMT

As much as it pains us to say this, Bond women should probably stick to wetsuits and one-pieces from now on. According to SpoutBlog, Bond women who wear bikinis die at a rate of 45%. That's five out of eleven, for those of you not so good with percentages. We all remember Solange Dimitrios from Casino Royale because that was like yesterday and she was like so so dynamite, but what about the other four?

Spout's got a list of who got offed and how, and we've got our own favorite Bond beachwear moment:

Sure Jill Masterson is totally lovely in Goldfinger and we were so sad to see her skin suffocate after being covered in gold paint, but the real star of this scene is Bond's onesie. Seriously ladies, if you want to stay alive, just pull that little uniform out of the closet and you'll live to die another day...sometime after the movie ends.

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The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

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The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

This summer, we gave you the 50 Sexiest Albums of All-Time in an effort to help the music industry's sluggish sales numbers. Now, we present an even sexier compendium-- complete with a few NSFW scenes to warm up your November afternoon-- as well as background and trivia and everything else that we can think of to convince you to rent these the next time you want to seduce somebody...

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 50-41

50. The Seven Year Itch. Backstory: What more do you need than this, Marilyn Monroe's famous subway grate encounter? Trivia: It has the Joe DiMaggio Seal of Disapproval-- the scene was so sexy, her husband (that guy from the Mrs. Robinson song) fled and never came back. Irnoically, the skirt blowing up? Deleted from the movie itself. Luckily, the rest of the film is brimming with unconsummated sexuality.

49. Casablanca. Backstory: Not even the sexiest movie from 1943, this earns its place here for the most romantic scene in movie history, in our opinion. Watching Bogie decide to do the right thing and send the love of his life off on a plane with her husband is so damn manly of him that, at the mere reminder of this moment, our gonads hang in shame. Trivia: The original ending came very closed to being changed thank to the Allied invasion of Casablanca just before the film was to be released.

48. Cruel Intentions. Backstory: Is it wrong to choose this over Les Liaisons Dangereuses, its predecessor? No, for while Liaisons did have a notable sex scene featuring the breasts of Uma Thurman, it also featured the tongue of John Malkovich and didn't really capture our (sexual) interest throughout. Oddly enough, the sinister and more overt incestuous teasing Sarah Michelle Gellar puts Ryan Phillipe through kept us glued to this otherwise merely grade-B adaptation of the famed French novel. Trivia: The sequel was originally planned as a TV series called Manchester Prep; here's how bad it was: when Fox decided it was too risque for their radical right-wing mindsets, the producers simply slapped the first three episodes together, added a nude scene, and released it straight to video. Yep, it's that good... [NSFW naughtiness starting after the 40-second mark.]

47. Midnight Cowboy. Backstory: If you're over the age of 12, you've hopefully done your civic duty and watched the only (then-)rated X movie to win Best Picture. If you haven't, stop reading and add it to your queue at once. If you've already seen it, then you know the hilarious sex scenes and sexual tension between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman are only two of the reasons it helped to usher in a new dawn of gritty Hollywood filmmaking. Trivia: The film's famous party scene includes actual Warhol Superstars and the script was written by the great blacklisted writer Waldo Salt.

46. Flashdance. Backstory: While dancing in a lousy Pittsburgh bar and dreaming of studying at a nearby conservatory, Jennifer Beals meets the owner of a steel mill, where she also works. The two gradually fall in love... and yeah, you read Cinderella? You're tired of bad 80s music? Then you don't need this film. What you do need is this clip below... Trivia: The script was co-written by Joe Eszterhas, who went on to pen Showgirls and Basic Instinct.

45. Body Heat. Backstory: Hey, remember when Kathleen Turner used to be hot? We don't either-- although many people swear by the steamy Southern tale of murder, betrayal, and other cliched Hollywood plot twists. Trivia: Who cares about trivia? Watch this scene of unrestrained animal lust, which almost makes you forget it involves William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. [NSFW almost immediately.]

44. No Way Out. Backstory: Sean Young's character is so magnificiently attractive, not only does Kevin Costner risk life and life to sleep with her, but Gene Hackman ends up doing a terrible thing in rage because of her. (We won't say what it is, but here's a hint: they give it away on the back cover of the DVD, those idiots.) Trivia: This is the only film on this list that includes a sex scene in a movie vehicle. Also, nobody ever looked as good as Sean Young (!) does in that early party scene. Never ever. [NSFW almost immediately.]

43. Goldfinger. Backstory: It's fucking James Bond, yo, so there's your backstory. This is the one with Pussy Galore and all her hot young pilots, Shirley Eaton wearing only gold body paint, plus Sean Connery at his peak. Trivia: The Aston Martin spy car was introduced in this film and was such a successful inclusion it insured many films had donated product placements from them on.

42. Bound. Backstory: Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon make sex movie, yas. Trivia: This movie had a major cult following in the days before internet porn took off, and probably still does to this day. At one time, the phenomenon reached such a fever pitch, the following clip topped several Best Sex Scene Polls. The rest of the movie is pretty randy, too. [NSFW starting around the 4-minute mark.]

41. Bull Durham. Backstory: Who knew North Carolinans had such hot sex and great minor league sports teams? Trivia: The sex was so spectacular, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon decided to keep it going in real life... and they still do, or so we're told. Also, if you look closely, the note that Costner sends over to Sarandon doesn't say “I want to make love to you.” It says, “Wanna fuck this time?” And one more: Kurt Russell, who played minor league ball at one time, was originally set to star. [NSFW starts after a few minutes, then continues through two consecutive sex scenes.]

To be continued... your suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments section.

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Top 10 Bond Girls Of All-Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 16:22:00 GMT

Our personal preference is for Lois Chiles, who plays Holly Goodhead (what's wrong that name? huh?) in Moonraker (seen above), but these ten are unquestionably hot on every level. Together, they make it a tough act to follow for Olga, Gemma and their new movie, Quantum of Solace, which opens today in America....

10. Domino Petacchi (played by Kim Basinger) in Never Say Never Again

9. Lupe Lamora (played by Talisa Soto) in License To Kill

8. Domino (played by Claudine Auger) in Thunderball, who is not only one of her favorite Bond girls but one of the hottest women ever

7. Jinx (played by Halle Berry) in Die Another Day

6. Pam Bouvier (played by Carrie Lowell-- yes, Richard Gere's wife and the cutest of all Bond girls) in License To Kill

5. Plenty O'Toole (played by Lana Wood) in Diamonds Are Forever. While Jill St. John and her totally radical hair were more of a distraction for us while watching this, hearing Sean Connery moan "Oh, Plenty" or Lana's character is the trump card in this Vegas thriller.

4. Pussy Galore (played by Honor Blackman) in Goldfinger. How the hell did they get away with a name like that in the Production Code era? Well, we're all the better for it, somehow. We're not sure how, but anyway, this list isn't complete without her presence... and oh, how we dig that raspy voice...

3. Solange (played by Caterina Murino) in Casino Royale. Perhaps the only complaint we heard about the most recent classic Bond thriller (and it was classic, no question) was that Solange doesn't get laid and (SPOILER ALERT) doesn't make it past her handful of early scenes. We can't argue with that, although the scene featuring Murino riding a horse is pleasure enough for one PG-13 film.

2. Tracy Draco (played by Diana Rigg) in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, arguably the best Bond film and the only one starring Australian model/actor George Lazenby as 007. This is one hell of an entertainment-- Telly Savalas as the villain, a bunch of exercise vixens as brainwashed assassins, Bond gets married, and the tragic finale are not nearly as memorable as watching Miss Emma Peel in the throes of passion with James Bond.

1. Honey Ryder (played by Ursula Andress) in Dr. No. There's a reason Bond became famous... and it's not Sean Connery. Well, okay, it's Sean Connery, the whole "Bond, James Bond" line, some decent movies, and so forth. But would Dr. No have been the massive hit it was if Ursula Andress had not come out of the ocean in that bikini? We think not....

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 15:43:00 GMT

What do you Republicans out there think of this site, called Rebuild the Party, which looks at various ways the GOP can get back on track?

Full-length feature films, albeit with a couple of ads here and there, will be streaming via YouTube soon. Say goodbye to $15 movies, guys...

Check out why Melissa Etheridge is our absolute hero today...

Okay. So Prop 8 passed. Alright, I get it. 51% of you think that I am a second class citizen. Alright then. So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? You are gonna have to help me here because I am not sure what to call her now. Anyways, she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books.

Okay, cool I don't mean to get too personal here but there is a lot I can do with the extra half a million dollars that I will be keeping instead of handing it over to the state of California.

Could this be the beginning of a new era of protest not seen since Vietnam or, better yet, pre-1776? Let's hope so-- these people need a wakeup call and if taxes is the issue that does it, so be it.

Will an anti-war Senator take over where Joe Biden leaves off? Because we could get behind that...

For those of you who enjoyed the widely-panned first one, Kim Cattrall wants you to know the sequel, which she is all but promising, is going to be a classic.

Daniel Craig thinks the next, or some future James Bond, could be, um, "coloured." We never thought of it before-- but now that we have, there are plenty of great actors out there that would fit that description.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:40:00 GMT

Janet Jackson canceled the rest of her tour. Wow, she's really going downhill fast, isn't she?

James Bond goes to... Bollywood?

Cheech and Chong want you to vote today. And no, this isn't some Republican trick pulled on our inner-cities.

The National Review, bitter as always, says the youth vote only made up 18% of the total vote. Yes, douceheads, but what about the actual number of youth voters?

And so it begins: the McCain campaign is letting loose on Sarah Palin. My God, if this corrupt and greedy individual had ever become Vice President...

Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman-- that's the name of Anne Hathaway's new boyfriend. Curses!

And Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. Little John Mayer's, you think?

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Olga Kurylenko: "My Treasure Trove of Topless Photos Don't Count As Porn"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 16:52:00 GMT

It used to be "become a Bond girl, end up doing softcore Hollywood porn later." Now, it seems getting that in order to get the attentions of 007's producers, you have to do a bunch of nude scenes or topless spreads in order to land the role of one the spy's femme fatales...

Since we're as excited as can be for Quantum of Solace, the followup to Casino Royale, we will find every excuse imaginable to talk about it. Even better when that excuse involves posting a series of nude photos and other career highlights from our second favorite* new Bond babe.

Speaking of these photos to IMDB News, Kurylenko says:

"There are no actresses who haven't appeared naked. These things are not unusual.
"All the magazine pictures are artistic. I didn't do any pornography. It was all done in silhouette. It was advertising stuff.
"It's something I have done but it's not what I enjoy doing. It was part of the job. I haven't been modelling for a few years now. I don't have to. Movies are my passion.
"I always have respect towards people and I do everything with love and respect. There are much graver things in the world to worry about."

No actresses who haven't appeared naked? In that case, Olga, please fill us in on where we might find Scarlett Johansson, Grace Kelly, and full frontal Kerry Washington photos...

Quotes via IMDB.

*We still have our hearts set on Gemma Arterton, sorry.

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Man Buys Camera On Ebay, Finds Treasure Trove Of MI6 Secret Documents

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:44:00 GMT

It's a situation we've all fantasized or feared: we buy a camera for a mere thirty bills on Ebay and it turns out the camera is formerly the property of a secret agent... is he going to come kill you or ask politely for his memory card back?

- An anonymous bidder ended up with a still SLR camera for a mere 17 English quid, then checked to see what the previous owner had left behind...
- A document marked "top secret" that detailed an MI6 encrypted computer system
- Pictures of rocket launchers and missiles
- A hand-drawn graphic revealing links between active al-Qaeda cells, including names and occupations of suspected terrorists
- Information about Abdul al-Hadi al-Iraqi, one of al-Qaeda’s highest-ranking lieutenants, who was captured by the CIA in 2007 and is currently being held at Gitmo. [Tech-Ex]

If we had found this, we would have immediately sent it back to the guy saying that we couldn't figure out how to turn it on, then promptly change our address and move all our relatives out of the country. Luckily, this story has a happy ending... so far...

Turns out, the police didn't believe our hero, turning him away...

Yet within days Special Branch, the team of specialist anti-terror officers based in every county force, descended on his humble terraced home.
They took away the camera and the family’s PC and spent £1,000 replacing them.
Officers banned the shocked family from talking to the media.

Guess the one-grand wasn't enough to cover those expenses (only a thousand?) Apparently, the Sun in the UK pays a whole lot better for info than MI6 pays for desktop computers...

Via the Sun.

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This Week In Gayness: Doctors Shocked To Learn They Can't Reject Gay Patients

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:51:00 GMT

Is anyone surprised to learn that a conservative "family values" champion has completely misconstrued the truth in print? Johnathan Trapp suggests on the Concerned Women For America website (although, of course, not being of the womanly persuasion is no "strike one" on an anti-feminist site for women) that the rights of priests and others are being violated because gay marriages are being "forced" upon them. Never mind that even those who haven't even read about California's new law can probably guess that no one in the United States is forced to wed any couple if they don't want to...

This whole anti-gay = anti-McDonald's movement has grown more insane than we thought it ever could be...

Guess why Westboro Baptist Church, our top pick for the site of the next nuclear missile tests, is calling John Edwards a "fag enabler":

Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), the anti-gay Christian organisation, has voiced the opinion that John Edwards is "cursed" by God.

Edwards... has been part of the campaign to end the U.S. military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy...

The WBC claimed on Saturday 16th that Edwards is a "fag enabler", who attacked the WBC for "preaching God's holy truth about fags."

Ah, history lessons: some Germans vandalized an ode to homosexual victims of the Holocaust.

McCain danced around gay marriage, while Obama ~~hopefully lied~~ reiterated his opposition to it.

Wait, someone would dedicate their life and career to giving medical help and advice, thus saving lives and contributing to the greater humanity... but would actually refuse to treat a person who happens to be gay? Normally, we're very worried about how few Americans are going into the medical profession, but we'd totally advocate stripping these people of their licenses...

California doctors who have religious objections to gays and lesbians must nevertheless treat them the same as any other patient or find a colleague in the office who will do so, the state Supreme Court ruled unanimously Monday. [San Francisco Chronicle]

And finally... will there be a gay James Bond?

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While You Were Sleeping: Better To Be Fat And Fit?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:03:00 GMT

What the hell? Toby Keith is a Democrat?! Impossible... maybe a Reagan Democrat, but other than that...

Mark David Chapman said he's sorry about shooting John Lennon multiple times for no reason.

Think fast: name the two most hated "internet micro-celebrities..."

...if you said Julia Allison and Emily Gould, you'd be correct. (Tila Tequila was in 3rd, although we'd say she's safely a "television micro-celebrity" at this point.)

Spencer Pratt's claims that Heidi Montag is still a virgin (wait, a virgin who needed breast implants and already has a boyfriend?) would be laughable enough if someone hadn't discovered irrefutable evidence to the contrary immediately afterward.

First, it was definitely going to be Biden. Then, as we reported yesterday, it was definitely going to be Tim Kaine. But... what if it's Hillary?

Did anyone honestly believe that Bigfoot nonsense?

Roger Moore was a big wuss, even in character as James Bond.

New York Times headline: "Better To Be Fat and Fit Than Skinny and Unfit"

...half of overweight people and one-third of obese people are “metabolically healthy.” That means that despite their excess pounds, many overweight and obese adults have healthy levels of “good” cholesterol, blood pressure, blood glucose and other risks for heart disease.
At the same time, about one out of four slim people — those who fall into the “healthy” weight range — actually have at least two cardiovascular risk factors typically associated with obesity, the study showed.

While You Were Sleeping: Who Looks Best In A Bikini?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 12:44:00 GMT

Whoever claims full responsibility for the fire at Westboro Baptist Church wants to assure you that they did their best.

Man, what the hell is with Verne Troyer and his ex? Either they're the two biggest liars ever, or they tried to reenact Sopranos episodes on each other every night while still together.

Are these the biggest nipples in Hollywood? Yeah, we didn't think so either, nor do we particularly care.

An alleged murderer on the run since Christmas was arrested playing Guitar Hero at Wal-Mart.

More rumors of a Tom Brady-Gisele Bundchen engagement.

Michael Moore and other Michigan cats serenaded Madonna ahead of the Material WhateverItIsNow's 50th birthday.

Is it any surprise that Ursula Andress tops a poll of British survey respondents? Especially for the Best On-Screen Bikini Performance, or however it was phrased? (2nd: Carrie Fisher in Return of the Jedi, 3rd Halle Berry in the Dr. No homage she was in.)

And some sad news: Christina Applegate is suffering from breast cancer. Thankfully, the disease is believed to be in the early stages and Applegate is expected to make it out okay.

While You Were Sleeping: The Death of Scrabulous

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

The Republican Senator Ted Stevens (of Alaskan fame) was indicted on seven counts of making false statements yesterday. Even though these seem kind of trivial in the scheme of things, Stevens already had an uphill battle for re-election, so this is all but a death sentence.

Jerry Lewis was tackled by airport security after they found a gun in his luggage. For Christ's sake, guys and dolls, he's 82 years old! Tackling is not necessary-- hell, you could probably have tiptoed over to apprehend him and he wouldn't have been able to get away.

Alicia Keys and Jack White will perform the theme song to "The Quantum of Solace," making it the first ever Bond duet. (Good luck rhyming that shit.) Since Jack is reportedly playing guitar and drums on the track, that would mean Meg White is continuing to seclude herself from the world, a great loss for sure.

The cop show that made Michael Douglas famous is set for a TV return, with two lead characters, one representing Obama, the other representing McCain. It's actually a really interesting concept.

Woody Harrelson on Kate Hudson. Ouch.

Julia Allison's Twitter last night: "Heading home, absolutely exhausted after tonight. It's not every evening your ex does a presentation on you ... And the NYT covers it." Stop her now.

The media really has nothing to talk about, so they'll keep talking about "Juno" until the last person who remembers what it was about is dead.

Hasbro is pretending to be offering a new version of Scrabble for the internet after removing Scrabulous from Facebook by force. We say: fuck you, boycott!

Sloppy Seconds: Is Ryan Seacrest Out?

Emily Farris — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Hey Ladies, reading most women's magazines is probably bad for your mental health. [Jezebel]

Why is it ok to publish paintings of boy and girl parts but not photographs? [Jossip]

Something new-ish to read while you're sitting alone at the bar trying to make eyes at the bartender: "Draft Magazine." [Fishbowl NY]

We might make fun of Amy Winehouse on occasion, but we love her music and we're super excited that she's supposedly working on a potential James Bond theme. [Yahoo!]

The Sex and the City movie will not open in New York City. [People]

No, no, no. I hope you didn't think we implying that— Anyway, rumor has it that Ryan Seacrest may be out at American Idol soon. [MollyGood]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: It's Friday, How About A "Love Vacation"?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 21:20:00 GMT

The woman accused of poisoning her Marine husband in order to obtain his $250K insurance policy and buy herself breast implants has been vindicated. [CNN]

Woah! Jay and Bey are gonna get an annulment? At a Barack Obama fundraiser the other night, Jay Z was on stage when the DJ put on his centuries-old duet with his new bride. Jay went crazy, it was reported.

Storming to the mic, he yelled: "Fuck that. Sorry Bey, but fuck that - let's play something else."

Beyonce allegedly, and quite correctly, took offense and stormed off the stage... but not before tripping and falling down a flight of stairs. (Kidding!) [The Mirror]

Without a doubt, the highlight of our year: David Byrne and Brian Eno are going to tour. Music's J.D. Salinger of live performance, Brian Fucking Eno. Can a "Talking Heads" reunion be too far off? [The Daily Swarm]

Scarlett Johnasson denies being a "brazen harlot." Some people don't know how to take a compliment. [Starpulse]

Scanner Exclusive: Amy Winehouse is working with "Back In Black" genius boy/producer Mark Ronson on the theme for "Quantum of Solace," the next Daniel Craig Bond movie, due this October. Since "Quantum of Solace" is even easier to rhyme with than "Octopussy," Winehouse announced her latest track will be called "My Blakey Breaky Out o' Jail With Some O' Diss Crazy Spy Shit."

And workers in Finland figured out what we Americans have known all along-- divorce is a great excuse to not show up for work. They're going to pass a law to institute mandatory "Love Vacations." In other news, Erica Jong is officially irrelevant. [New York Times]

Headlines of the Day:

1) Bloomberg: Next President Will Be "Adult" [via CNN]

2) Pope Meets With Many, Many Victims of Pedophile Priests [We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat] [via Wonkette]

Photo: Vanity Fair

Today in Global Warming: 10 Fun Surprises

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 19:47:00 GMT

Al Gore today declined to speculate on whether he will end up the consensus candidate and drive a Gore-Clinton Prius to the White House this year. In celebration of the former President-Elect's resurgence, Live Science put together a list of the Top 10 Surprising Results of Global Warming, most of which do not involve blogging by candlelight.

10. Aggravated Allergies, which we think is a great parody name for another one of those awful emo bands.

9. Animals Are Heading For The Hills, which would be a great title for a Gawker post about this season's premiere.

8. The Artic is Blooming! Plants are springing up earlier than ever, it seems. Unfortunately, those plants are embedded in icebergs rushing at 40 knots per minute toward New York City.

7. 125 lakes have disappeared from the Arctic in just the last few years. Any neocons wanna guess where that water might end up?

6. Global warming is thawing shit that's, like, under the ice! Like, the soil or something. Seriously, your house is going to collapse into one of the new Grand Canyons sure to spring up in 2312.

5. Animals may miss out on food because their migration patterns won't change with the fluctuations in the seasons. Without any birds around, Dick Cheney will be forced to blame his shooting of humans on drink and despair.

4. Speedier Satellites. Will James Bond be able to stop S.P.E.C.T.R.E. if this happens? Holy shit, we're doomed.

3. Mountains will grow in elevation. Wait, mountains are fucking alive?!

2. Ruined Ruins. Flooding will destroy monuments to extinct civilizations, such as something called "Black People in Louisiana."

1. Forest Fire Frenzy. That's okay, everybody has fire insurance that covers forest fire-related damage and contains no secret clauses, right? Whoops.

For the real list, click here.

The Most Physically Painful Movie Title Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Like you, we're on every mailing list that could possibly tell us what's going on this weekend and presumably make us cooler than everyone else. Once in a while, this can backfire. Besides receiving over 900 e-mails per weekday, we often have to ask ourselves why we still subscribe to mailing lists from organizations that have no common sense...

"Cut: Slicing Through the Myths of Circumcision" is a title almost too painful to type... and it's the name of a movie playing at Manhattan's Jewish Community Center on Tuesday. Ouch. Just check out the description below... our balls retracted violently at the mere mention of "cutting edge research." Ow. Ow. Ow.

Here are the rest of our nominees for most painful movie title in history. Can you think of other ones we may have missed?

Octopussy
Shaft Goes To Africa
The Hudsucker Proxy (perhaps the next "Santorum," a.k.a. made-up dirty sex phrase?)
Free Willy
Bend It Like Beckham (We'd never heard of David Beckham when this came out, so we thought it meant... you know...)
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
How To Stuff A Wild Bikini (insert imagined comment "I'd know how to stuff that bikini" here...)
Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (yuck-- we don't want to know what's in this obviously old-perv's closet)
and, for shits, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!

And from the JCC e-mail:

Film: Cut: Slicing Through the Myths of Circumcision

Dir. Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon (70 min, USA, 2007)
A new documentary examining male circumcision from a religious, scientific and ethical perspective. Using cutting-edge research, in addition to interview footage of rabbis, philosophers, and scientists, Cut challenges the viewers to confront their biases by asking difficult questions about this long-standing practice.

Tue, Mar 25, 7:30 PM
$8/$10, EFFCUT00W8

New Bond Movie Should Have Stuck With "Bond 22"

Bryan Christian — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 13:00:00 GMT

All right, if you have been paying attention to this blog, you will have noticed that we have been totally excited about the next Bond film -- in part, because we've been hoping that they would hammer out the kinks they ran into during the first go-round with Daniel Craig, and in part because the ladies they've tapped for roles in the movie have been so. Freaking. Hot.

Then, yesterday, we learn that the new Bond film is gonna be called Quantum of Solace.

Quantum.

Of.

Solace.

And also, we see that they've given new Bond girls Gemma Arterton and Olga Kurylenko some seriously crappy haircuts.

What.

The.

Fuck?

We get it. At least, we think we get the title, anyways. Bond -- after having his heart broken by -- SPOILER!!! --Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale is looking for a modicum -- some might say a "quantum" -- of solace in... what? Bloody Revenge? The ripe buttocks and supple lips of the lovely ladies who've been cast in the flick? OK, fair enough. And yet. It's sort of... how do we say this... the WORST TITLE EVER.

WORST.

EVER.

Right?

When It Comes To Bond Songs, Everybody Does It Better Than Fergie

Bryan Christian — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 20:33:00 GMT

Full disclosure: we couldn't actually finish this clip of Fergie slaughtering Paul McCartney's "Live and Let Die" at last week's Movies Rock event, but we're bringing it to you just the same. Normally we wouldn't put anything on here without our having inspected it in full, but in our estimation, Bond songs rank somewhere between natural peanut butter and boobies, so getting through this proved to be just too hard for us. We know, we failed you. Don't worry, we don't expect you to make it all the way through either -- but for those of you that do: click through for one of our favorite Bond covers. (No cheating!)

Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: Bond, James Bond

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:07:00 GMT

We're going to level with you. We're not huge James Bond fans. We have seen pretty much all the movies, but this is because we love chase scenes and the technology. Even so, we have our Bond Girl moments. Those smoking jackets and all that shoulder biting always get us in the end. We've got a secret favorite secret agent, but we want to hear from you. Sean Connery is classic Bond with a taste for martinis and a carpet on his body. Pierce Brosnan drives Bond's remote control car and does bad things to Teri Hatcher, and Daniel Craig's abs alone could save us from an international ring of terrorist spy thieves. There's a gun to your head and a cord around your throat: Who will you wed on the beach at sunset, who will you Goldfinger for the computer chip in the briefcase, and who will you decapitate with your hat after he foils your plot for world domination?

Marry, Fuck, or Kill:

Sean Connery
Pierce Brosnan

Daniel Craig