Scanner : jailbait

We Present... The Cougar Perv

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:55:00 GMT

Poor Stifler.

A forty-year-old Syracuse, Utah mother of a very embarrassed high school boy had sex with at least two of his classmates and sent nude photos of herself to a host of others. Kimberly/Kimberlee Arigot, seen here in her mugshot, has allegedly been sleeping with the two teenage males, aged 15 and 17, for more than a year, while texting at least one other boy with whom she did not have sexual relations.

The Salt Lake City-area Mom, who is apparently single, has posted bail and is back at home, where several of the encounters are believed to have taken place. Early news reports indicate she has been charged with sexual relations with a minor and procuring alcohol for minors.

She has reportedly confessed to all charges.

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Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:26:00 GMT

Sunday School: who knew it was so full of intrigue, sexual innuendo, and topless picture messages sent to 14-year-old boys?

It seems that one Somerset, Texas woman thought those Bible lessons and all that God stuff was mindless drivel and decided to spice things up by putting herself in a very tricky situation. Yesterday, Victoria Ann Chacon, who resigned her job as a Somerset Junior High School math teacher shortly after the investigation commenced, was arrested for sending her Sunday School student some pictures of her boobs. As is always the case in these stories, this idiot perv didn't remind her teenage friend to delete the photos, he left her phone lying around and, somehow, another adult figure flipped the sucker open and... oh my God, my eyes!

Actually, not only did they find nude photos, the boy's parents initially discovered written notes, an ancient art form from before the advent of texting:

The arrest affidavit states the mother of the 14-year-old boy told police she found two love letters from Chacon to her son. The affidavit also says that in those letters, "Chacon professes her love for the teen about how passionate he is, and about how she feels when she and the teen kiss each other."

...but it's of no importance. The point is that even Sunday School teachers are getting on the jailbait action. Will President Obama address this growing crises or will he allow these degenerates to continue to corrupt our young minds by ~~teaching them Christianity and math~~ engaging in appropriate love affairs with them?

More here and here.

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Some of the Hottest Women in the Country All Got Naked Together

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 17:12:00 GMT

For 40 smackers (in today's, you know, perfect economy), a copy of Timothy White's Hollywood Pinup could be yours. And, let us say, based on all available evidence, it would surely be worth your bottom dollar.

However, you would do almost as well just to see all the best photos from its steamy pages, after the jump...

Batting first is Angie Harmon, who we're pretty sure voted for John McCain yesterday. Luckily for her, she has other redeeming ass-pects to her personality...

Up next is the always jailbait-looking 23-year-old Michelle Trachtenberg:

Kate Hudson, you probably have a pretty decent personality, but how can we pay any attention to that when you pose for see-through ass shots?

You can see Susan Sarandon here and a nearly-butt-naked Rebecca DeMornay here. Meanwhile, we'll leave you with Mary-Kate Olsen... who normally we want nothing to do with. (We're in that minority of guys who think it's creepy to lust after the Olsen twins. Nonetheless, enjoy!)

Ah... now we get it.

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Hot or Not: The Lily Cole Playboy Cover?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 17:17:00 GMT

Jude Law's nymph-y girlfriend Lily Cole is starring in this month's French Playboy with a 15-page spread. Although the photos have yet to hit the internet, the cover is here...

Normally, photos of cute European models without their clothes on are welcome on these pages, but we have to wonder if we want to see a girl who looks like she's 12 (even if she's really a legal 20) prancing about in the nude for our titilation...

...especially with a child's pink teddy bear to cover her naughty bits on the magazine's cover.

What do you think? Would you be interested in Jude's girl's gams (and so forth) when the snaps hit the web? Or is she too jailbait for ya?

Above photo via the Daily Mail.

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Mom Gets Five Years In Prison For Going Down On Her Daughter's Friend

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:21:00 GMT

A woman in Ohio has been sentenced to five years in jail for having oral sex with her daughter's underage female friend.

Oh, but it gets so, so much better...

Becky Jo Tatum, 42, was arrested recently for going down on the girl at a wild, drug-fueled party for her teenage daughter at their home in Bexley. When police raided the party, they found a shotgun, cocaine, and an underage female who had been Tatum's sex partner. (The age of consent in Ohio, by the way, is 16.)

Tatum was booked for posession of cocaine, sex with a minor, and on weapons charges. Tatum is not allowed to own or carry guns because she had prior drug and prostitution convictions on her record. Wow. These must've been some parties...

So, we're guessing, that might be why she ends up with a whopping five years behind bars-- it ain't just the oral sex that brought down her empire...

Via WTVN.

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Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:12:00 GMT

Hey, just because R. Kelly was acquitted doesn't mean we should all run out and find jailbait to have sex with. More importantly, if we're dumb enough to do all that, we should probably not film the sex with our cellphone cameras.

Well, that's just what one 31-year-old Florida woman did... and was caught because she all but asked to be...

The Orlando Sun Sentinel, which is always fun of delicious insanity (that's probably where we got the story about the guy who robbed his next door neighbor's house and then decided to have a yard sale with all the stolen goods), reports on this dimwit:

Stacey Sheldon of Apopka was arrested Tuesday on charges of sexual activity and use of a child in a sexual performance. She told investigators that it was her idea to video tape their encounter with her phone, according to the arrest report.

Authorities were alerted after Sheldon had accidentally left her cell phone at another teenager's house. The 16-year-old victim told detectives that he met Sheldon in July. They had sex four or five times in various places, including his house and her home.

Let's just go over that again, shall we: you had sex with a 16-year-old boy. You decide, this would be something to videotape, let's film this sumbitchin' good time. Then, somewhere along the line, you decide it's not a big deal to just leave the evidence around for anyone to find.

Bye bye, Sheldon... see you in 40 years...

Via the Orlando Sun Sentinel.

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Ex-Teacher Argues Sex With Her Student Was Constitutional

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 16:27:00 GMT

A woman in Arkansas tried to have her felony sexual assault case thrown out of court by saying that she was perfectly within her Constitutional Rights to have sex with a male student. The court, however, has ruled otherwise and the case is proceeding according to the prosecutor's wishes.

No big deal, right? Wrong.

It turns out, the boy who she slept with (three times in one night, woo hoo!) was 18. Because he was her actual student, however, Melissa Monroe is charged with second degree sexual assault and providing alcohol for a minor. The unnamed male allegedly turned 18 that very day (wow-- to get it on three times with your hot teacher in her and her husband's bed, while drinking beer, on your eighteenth birthday? Almost as good as what we did on our 18th... but that's another story.) Nonetheless, state law mandates she be charged because of her status as a teacher.

One more thing: when are these teachers going to learn not to text about their relationships with students?

The young man went to her house on a January evening while her husband was out of town, according to a probable cause affidavit submitted by Detective Mark Jordan. The boy later told police they had sex and he stayed the night.
Monroe sent a text message to a fellow teacher at 7:30 p.m. Feb. 14 that read, "Help! I've made the worst decision of my life. And I don't know what to do." Monroe said that January night she was drinking and texting with a student. She said the student wanted to come over but she told him no. Eventually, he came over and they had sex three times.

The fellow teacher guessed which student.

Later that evening, Monroe texted, "You don't hate me do you?" and "At least he was legal. Haha," the affidavit says. [Dumbass Daily]

Ennhhh-- wrong! We're not sure what kind of jail time Monroe is looking at for her flub (maybe none), but she must really be kicking herself now...

Via BadBadTeacher.

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Jamie Bell's First Sex Scene Marred By Boner

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 16:06:00 GMT

Remember that movie Billy Elliot that all the critics said we were going to love and we never got around to seeing? The adorable child actor from that film, Jamie Bell, is not only legal for our nefarious sexual purposes, but he's also legal to ply with liquor first!

Maybe some brandy (or eight margaritas) would've helped his first on-screen sex sequence run more smoothly...

We'll let Jamie's uninterrupted quote do the talking:

Someone get this boy a fluffer! Or the Red Hot Chili Peppers. For God's sake, don't let his penis shrivel like George Costanza's... the ladies are counting on you, David the Director...

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Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:08:00 GMT

Under the guise of posting about eighteen-year-old Olympian powerhouse Natasia Liukin (above), The Improper and Egotastic are both asking for it when they leak these Miley Cyrus-esque poses of jailbait gold medalist Shawn Johnson wearing a bikini and prancing about...

Well, they're basically asking for a lot of pervs to find their pages via Google image search, while the rest of us just say, Hey, there's nothing wrong with celebrating the female form in its finest, most triumphant glory, but we'll wait another couple of years and, in the meantime, stick to drooling over Victoria Pendleton...

Meanwhile, Johnson, who won a gold a set of silvers, is apparently such a huge celebrity now, the pilot on her recent flight from Chicago to New York had to be taken to the hospital after bumping his head from excitement when he heard she was on a plane. Thousands in her home state of Iowa turned out to see a glimpse of her, as if she were all four Beatles rolled into one.

We're sure to be seeing more of these types of candids leaking out... which will only add to her fame, of course.

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The 10 Best Date Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:09:00 GMT

Once again, an asinine list elsewhere on the web has caused us to create our own Top 10 in retaliation.

Come on-- Sideways, about a guy cheating on his fiancee, is in the Top 5? And what the hell are Shortbus, Eternal Sunshine, and House of Flying Daggers doing here?

We're huge fans-- especially of Eternal Sunshine-- but we saw it on a date once and the woman immediately returned to her ex-boyfriend-- because it's about forgiving your past and makes you want to return to your ex's. Hell, we knew that the first time we saw it, sans date.

Instead, here's our refined list:

10. Before Sunrise. Infinitely superior to its sequel, Before Sunset, this little charmer will win you points for an original choice, a breezy storyline, and a really emotional ending.

9. The Apartment. You mean you've never seen the Jack Lemmon-Shirley McClaine romance? And you rented Fast and the Furious when they had both checked in at the video store?

8. Casablanca. This is a tricky one, since (SPOILER ALERT) the ending is bittersweet and Ingrid Bergman gets on that plane with the other man. But think about it: it's the idea of watching this movie that counts. Once you tell your date you're popping this one in the DVD player, they're going to smile and relax, since it's pretty clear what you have in mind for the evening...

7. The Philadelphia Story. Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant. No more should ever be said.

6. Annie Hall. One of the few perfect films ever made about dating and love.

5. The Graduate. Just try to block out that final image giving you a window into Ben and Elaine's future life. Otherwise, you'll have 'em where you want 'em...

4. The Princess Bride. In the sort of "guilty pleasure" category. Might not want to try this on a guy... unless you know he's a total teddy bear.

3. Doctor Zhivago. One of the great film epics, this doesn't have the hipster cred that most of the above movies carry into today, but it's still an unbearably good movie...

3. Say Anything. Of course.

2. Manhattan. Forget the whole jailbait problem (Woody Allen falls for a 17-year-old smarty pants)-- there's nothing like seeing this on a roof or anywhere outdoors, with a bottle of wine and someone to romance. We particularly fawn over Woody's "chase scene" toward the end-- it's arguably a more romantic moment than the end of Casablanca.

1. Some Like It Hot, which includes the funniest scene, best line, and best ending in movie history. It wouldn't have mattered if it was about the Holocaust-- these factors alone make it a great date movie.

Honorable mentions (and, it should be noted, these are not all ranked by quality, just by universal date-movie-worthiness): Gone With The Wind [weekend away/rainy day-dates only], When Harry Met Sally, Romeo Is Bleeding [if you're twisted], and a million more you should have already figured out... but for the love of God, not Sideways!

See the Times of London's Top 20.

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Female Teacher's Aide Guilty of Sex with 16-Year-Old Female Student

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:44:00 GMT

It began at a church summer camp (!) and ended when fellow school employees spotted naked photos of the 16-year-old on the aide's cell phone.

Melody Ybona Gawliu was a 24-year-old teacher's aide at El Camino High School in South San Francisco when she began having oral sex with an underage female student. Perhaps no one would've ever found out this was going on if Gawliu hadn't made three key, boneheaded mistakes...

First, she showed up at school with a massive amount of balloons for the girl's 17th birthday, which apparently first aroused the suspicions of fellow teachers and teacher's aides.

Next, she saved those nude photos of the jailbait girl on her phone, which snooping teachers later discovered.

And finally, she made the classic mistake of putting the relationship in writing, by texting the girl and telling her to keep quiet about it. Stupid!

Gawliu was initially charged with two counts of digital penetration with a person under age 18, attempting to dissuade a witness and felonious possession of sexual images of a person under age 18.

Digital penetration? Does this mean if we have virtual reality sex with Alicia Silverstone we're committing a crime?

Anyway, Gawliu does not have to register as a sex offender under her plea deal, which also limits her prison term to less than a year.

Via Current and Dumbass Daily.

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Sloppy Seconds: Ron Wood's Mistress In The Buff

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:39:00 GMT

Mrs. Corey Feldman's Playboy shoot and more, after the jump...

If you have a belly button finish, you'll probably be pissed to learn you missed Japan's navel-gazing fest.

Your worst nightmare: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are leaving Hollywood... and may be moving to Your Neighborhood.

Don't worry if you missed the orgy, it didn't turn out to be that great a time.

That nutjob who shot two people during a church performance of "Annie?" His motive wasn't he didn't like liberals. We hope Rush Limbaugh gets sued for wrongful death or ends up going crazy like Jeff Bridges in The Fisher King. Bastards.

Ron Wood, guitar player and real genius behind the current Rolling Stones lineup, almost left his wife of twenty-three-years but luckily got his act together and checked into rehab. The reason he lost his way:

A Democratic legislator from New Jersey has resigned after child porn was found on his computer. His office computer.

An Obama supporter "accidentally" made buttons with the Senator and another famous member of the Chamber: Larry Craig.

Brad Pitt declared war on the stalkers who take photographs of him.

And Susie Feldman, Corey's wife, has done a large Playboy spread that already has the internet hyperventilating. At least in porn land...

The rest of the shoot can be found here.

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Miley Cyrus To Remake Sex and the City?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 15:05:00 GMT

Miley Cyrus, instead of going into hiding (our advice: fuck 'em if they can't take a joke), is responding to the latest "photo scandal" by talking about sex... which ends up reminding her of her idea for a remake of "Sex and the City."

"I'd love to do a younger, cleaner version of Sex and the City," she told US magazine TV Guide.

The singer and actress wear a purity ring signifying her strong Christian faith and desire to remain a virgin until she marries.

She explained: "I like to think of myself as the girl that no-one can get, that no-one can keep in their hand. Even at my age, a lot of girls are starting to fall and I think if [staying a virgin] is a commitment girls make, that's great."

She went on to list her favourite things as her Gibson guitar, her mother, grilled cheese sandwiches and "the Bible. It's my 'how-to' guide for life".

Wait, isn't her boyfriend 22? Maybe that's why he can get away with dating a 15-year-old. He's the only 22 year old left in this country who isn't sleeping with an underage girl.

Okay, that was a joke. Seriously, though-- what do we think about a virginal "Sex And The City?" Isn't that kind of just like "color bars at 2am?"

"I feel empowered when I see my face on a T-shirt. A girl wouldn't be wearing a shirt with me on it just because she liked my show. She must look up to me."

We like this girl more and more with each offhand remark. Then again, we strongly suggest she stay away from remaking recently popular television shows-- haven't you had enough backlash for one year, Ms. Cyrus?

Via the Telegraph.

Today in WTF: Guy Gets Off (For/On) Getting 14-Year-Old Girl Drunk, Violating Her

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:20:00 GMT

This is such a crazy clusterfuck of a court case, we're going to do something we almost never do: take the entire article relaying the facts of the case and present them to you, without abbreviation. You have to read every word to get the full picture...

Having sex with a drunken 14-year-old he had plied with alcohol was not a criminal offence by [a] former Calgary man, a judge ruled yesterday.
Justice Peter McIntyre said there was insufficient evidence the girl didn't consent to having sex with Trevor Byron Niebergall.
But McIntyre did find Niebergall guilty of sexual assault for placing his genitals on the girl's face after she passed out -- an act the offender captured on his cellphone camera and showed to co-workers.
McIntyre said the fact the teenage complainant didn't remember her sexual encounter with Niebergall at a December 2005 New Year's Eve party did not mean she hadn't consented.

He noted one witness said she appeared to have the capacity to consent when she and Niebergall went to a washroom in his brother's apartment, where they had sex. And the Queen's Bench judge said the girl willingly consumed large amounts of alcohol supplied by Niebergall even after he made lewd sexual comments.

Hold it! Let's break it down: there was insufficient evidence she didn't consent (rather than the other way around)... he put his dick on her face when she was asleep (but apparently that's not painting a picture for the judge of a pervert here)... she didn't remember having sex but still was somehow sober enough to consent... she was not too drunk to walk to a bathroom, which apparently means she was okay to operate sexual machinery... okay, okay, he was found guilty of assaulting her with that whole penis thing, so we'll say no more for now.

She said on three occasions the accused said he would drink with her if she performed a sexual act on him.
"The accused's lewd comments towards her did not compel her to leave," the judge said. "The complainant was not forced to consume alcohol -- she drank ... beer willingly and then switched to alcohol. It is not at all clear why she drank so heavily."

Because she was a drunk fourteen-year-old girl hanging out with older men and did not leave before they screwed her, there's no crime. Also, beer is not alcohol?

Niebergall, then 19, showed photographs of the teen, naked and passed out, to co-workers the following day, bragging he had had sex with her six times.

Nope, no punishment or even a charge for displaying this photo without permission.

But in his testimony he said they only had sex twice, one in the bathroom and later when other partygoers had left and both times with her consent.

Ha ha. Well, at least he couldn't exaggerate the size of his manhood, since it's in the picture.

McIntyre said because the girl drank so heavily and had little recollection of events at the party, he could not accept her claim she didn't agree to have sex.
"Her evidence was not reliable after she started drinking," he said.
Crown prosecutor Susan Kennedy said a 45- to 60-day jail term is warranted for the incident which occurred after the teen passed out.
Defence lawyer Pat Flynn has requested a pre-sentence report before making his full submissions. The case returns to court on Oct. 14.

We understand that drunkenness taints the case and the fact that the girl doesn't remember what happened really hurts the prosecution's chances of a conviction for anything, but that still doesn't mean we like the verdict.

Remember that, girls-- there's a new sheriff in town. Drink so much as a beer and get violated in every orifice (sorry for that imagery), the courts won't be there to protect you.

Via The Calgary Sun.

New Miley Cyrus Photo Scandal Already Exaggerated Beyond Belief

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:35:00 GMT

Oh my God! A fifteen-year-old girl posed for private pictures of herself wearing clothing! Call in the Catholic League! Have her parents executed in a public square by a man in a black hood!

Jesus, save us! One of these pictures features Miley Cyrus, who is a role model to seven-year-old girls in every rich white town in Connecticut and in select other regions, was found to have been acting like a fifteen-year-old girl in the presence of her own personal cellphone camera. Miley Cyrus, who has an obligation under the law to go to church seven days a week, keep her head bowed at a 45-degree angle while in public, and marry the first man who kisses her on the mouth, scandalized the nation with these two shameful, shameful photos.

Miley Cyrus has been caught up in yet another photo scandal after an internet hacker accessed her phone's memory and found a series of saucy snaps.
The new pictures allegedly show the singer posing seductively in the shower with only a wet t-shirt covering her modesty, as well as a photo of her showing off her stomach in a skimpy top.
The snaps were reportedly downloaded from the star's personal picture phone memory by a hacker calling himself the Digital Gangster.
According to celebrity [asshole] Perez Hilton, who has the controversial new photographs on his website [complete with moronic, tasteless, offensive, inappropriate, uncalled-for, and cruel "graffiti" on each snap], the hacker is shopping the snaps around to several publications

The second, more "offensive" pic:

Via WENN/IMDB.

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Billionaire Pervert Turns Himself In To Face Jail, Butt Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:25:00 GMT

Jeffrey Epstein, convicted of soliciting underage girls for sex in his Florida pleasure palace, started his 18 month jail sentence this week. A look at what brought down one of the country's richest men, who owns Manhattan's largest town house, and who, until Monday, was holed up at a tropical paradise known as Xanadu.

It is a stunning downfall for Mr. Epstein, who grew up in Coney Island and went on to live the life of a billionaire, only to become a tabloid monument to an age of hyperwealth. Mr. Epstein owns a Boeing 727 and the largest town house in Manhattan. He has paid for college educations for personal employees and students from Rwanda, and spent millions on a project to develop a thinking and feeling computer and on music intended to alleviate depression.

His crime? This friend of President Clinton's liked massages with happy endings. The happy endings were, of course, provided by teenage girls. (He paid the fourteen-year-old who ended up turning him in a sum of $200 for her services.)

Using his big connections (Ken Starr and Alan Dershowitz were both on his team), Epstein at first seemed to avoid jail time. But an attorney for the government's office in Miami wasn't having it, insisting that Epstein not buy his way out of jail like so many of the rich can do.

Now, Epstein's e-mail autoresponse says he's "on vacation." The future registered sex offender will, in a year and a half, return to Xanadu, where a new estate is being built for him.

The villa will occupy the island’s promontory, which offers views of the Atlantic on one side and the Caribbean on the other. It will have a separate library to house Mr. Epstein’s 90,000 volumes, a Japanese bathhouse and what he calls a “Ziegfeld” movie theater.
For now, however, those visions of a private paradise have been replaced by the cold reality of a jail cell.

Via the New York Times.

Women Host Sex Party With Six Teenage Boys

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 18:33:00 GMT

We didn't get to Friday's big orgy story, mainly because we were totally weirded out by it and needed some time to let it all sink in.

Back in April, two women in Bucks County, PA hosted a sleepover involving a half-dozen local 14- and 15-year-old boys, an incident which only just came to light in the past few days. The arrest of the dangerous duo on a variety of the usual charges (unlawful contact with a minor, corruption of minors, etc.) leaves us with several dangling questions...

Angela Honeycutt, 38, and Lynne Long, 45, both of Bucks County, Pa., are accused of a series of allegedly sexual incidents April 14 as the teens, ages 14 to 16, attended a sleepover at Long's Lower Makefield home.

Honeycutt, a mother of two young children, is accused of having sex with a 14-year-old and performed sex acts with a 15-year-old, CBS3.com reported. [Fox News]

1) Why were the boys there in the first place? You need six boys to babysit your kids or something? Seems to us that Long is less innocent than she seems in the molestations carried out by Honeycutt. (Honeycutt is accused of having sex with one boy, going down on another, letting yet another finger her, and of flashing all the boys at once, among other crimes. Honeycutt, by the way, did not live with Long and is an unexplained presence in the house that night.)

2) How did this stay quiet for so long? While we, no matter how traumatized by these events, could never tell our parents of our involvement in it, apparently one of these teenage boys has a more open relationship with his folks. The question isn't about telling them-- rather, how was it kept quiet for so long? High school is full of bragging, rumor, and just general nastiness-- you would think someone of authority would've found out within two months. Maybe kids are getting better at keeping their ranks tight-- or, as we fear the most, they were so disturbed by what happened that they couldn't tell a soul. Until they did...

3) What the hell was Angela Honeycutt doing there? (And no, "Angela Honeycutt" is not the name of any porn star we could find.) It was Lynne Long's house, after all, and Long had nothing to do with what happened beyond watching and telling the kids to keep mum. Was this some sick setup/conspiracy engineered by the women together to host a wild orgy?

We may never know... and so we move on...

Newspaper Runs Topless Photo of 13 Year Old Girl

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 19:12:00 GMT

Above model is NOT the subject of this story and is probably over 18. We hope.

A German newspaper has caused a huge uproar after "mistakenly" publishing a topless photo of a thirteen-year-old girl on its front pages.

Bild, the country's #1 newspaper, which often puts naked women on its covers, ran a photo of a local girl as part of a contest to determine "the hottest girl of the summer." Someone nominated the young woman, who was then photographed by a freelance photographer...

...the minor was paid a fee for the photo and it was published with her mother's written consent. The paper's editor, the company said, had not been aware of the girl's age at the time. Bild said it has removed the image from its archive in order to ensure that it would not be published again.

Wait, her mother signed off on this?! Holy shit-- who knew Warren Jeffs had moved to fucking Germany?

By the way, the newspaper is not going to escape blame in this. Not after this little "snafu":

Generally, the newspaper includes the age of the models it uses on its front page, but on that date, it was conspicuously absent.

Hmmm....

Via Spiegel.

Connecticut Teens Busted For Classroom BJ

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 May 2008 16:52:00 GMT

Two teenagers in "Hard Hittin'" New Britain, CT, are facing disciplinary action (and at least one or two embarrassing parental lectures) and their teacher is suspended without pay following shocking revelations that an eighth-grade girl went down on her classmate. In class.

The fun-loving thirteen- or fourteen-year-olds

were in a classroom with other students and a substitute teacher Monday when the incident occurred. Another student recorded the incident with a phone camera. [The Hartford Courant]

Did you catch that? "And a substitute teacher"? Unless we're talking 30-kid classrooms-- and with the state of public schools, we could be-- we're not sure how the sub missed this? You think she's/he's an 80-year-old blind bat/geezer who never received/gave oral sex in their lifetime? Craziness.

Of course, we hate to think of the other possibility: the teacher knew all along and either ogled the couple or, possibly even worse, pretended to continue with the lecture while storing away the images for later pedophilia-inspired masturbation.

The highlight for us, however, is this gem:

Annette Velez has a daughter who attends Pulaski but was not in the classroom where the incident took place. Velez declined to identify her daughter, but said her daughter's knowledge of the incident prompted her to ask for the first time about oral sex.

Great for her daughter, lady. Her fellow classmates, who are no doubt able to identify her based on her mother's name, are now well-aware she doesn't know anything about oral sex. When we were thirteen-- shit, when we were nine-- we got snickered at for not knowing what "cunnilingus" was... although we sure as hell knew what a fucking blow job entailed...

Via The Hartford Courant.

Photo via Medical Images.

Video of the Day: Teen Kicked Out of Prom For Skimpy Dress

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 12 May 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Whatever happened to wearing a gown to your prom?

Maybe this dress would've worked at a Star Wars convention, but maybe not for a high school function when you're only 17... and you live in Texas.

Did the school violate her civil rights or is the dress too much?

Via Breitbart / KHOU TV.

Sloppy Seconds: Heather Mills, Liv Tyler, and... Roseanne Barr?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Facebook is causing all sort of problems in England: first, a bunch of crazy water-fight participants destroyed a famous garden; more importantly, an ex-girlfriend broke into her guy's account and wrote all about his douchebaggery.

Liv Tyler is getting divorced. Liv, you can message us through Facebook anytime.

The McGreevey's finally settled their custody battle. We'll resist the temptation to make any jokes about their multiple fathers, orgies, sex with staff members, and any other crimes we've already covered exhaustively.

Heather Mills is going to pursue a spot on "Celebrity: Apprentice." We've never so badly wanted that show to be canceled...

Hugh Hefner wants Miley Cyrus or whatever her name is to appear in Playboy. When she's legal, of course. Sorry, Hugh, but we've already seen more of her, the Olsen twins, and Suri Cruise than we'd ever want to see. You dirty old perv.

Possibly the most repulsive pickup line imaginable, not just because of the source: Roseanne (Barr/Arnold/n/a) came on strong to George Clooney when Clooney debuted on her rad 80s TV show: "You're really good looking, why don't you take me out behind the stage and make me stink." [Starpulse]

And, finally, why not end your week with a laugh, as this video does:

Arianna Huffington: Iraq is McCain's Viagra...
Stephen Colbert: I suppose the warning on that should be: "If your erection lasts more than a hundred years, pull out!"

Scanner Confessions: The First Time I Got Arrested (Part Two: The Cellmate)

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 20:27:00 GMT

It began to dawn on me that I was under constant surveillance, even when taking a dump. Nope, I wouldn’t be having much more fun for a long time… not unless I turned gay and decided to enjoy picking up the Pert Plus...

Cell Numero Uno was mine, as well as the entire, otherwise-deserted cellblock. The peace and quiet, however, didn’t last long. About an hour after my arrival, I heard a fit of shouting and some sort of struggle. It sounded like the cops were wrestling some motherfucker to the ground. Great, I thought, With my luck, this guy's gonna end up my cellmate.

“Sit down, Mr. Bunk.”
“This is bullshit! It’s fucking bullshit!” he rasped.
The cop, apparently the one who hauled him in, was pushing Bunk around. “Have a seat.”
“But I didn’t do it. Listen to me-- this is fucked up! I was in the store, and I got this clock, I was getting it for a friend, and I didn’t have the money. So, I’m with the clerk there and I tell her, ‘I’m gonna be right back with the money. I’m just gonna put this here for one minute.’ And I put it in the bag-- right in front of her eyes!-- and left it and went out to the parking lot and got the money from my friend and as soon as I stepped back into the place, all these guys just jumped on me. I didn’t even take it out of the store!”
"Great, then plead ‘not guilty.’ Now, let’s get your fingerprints.”

Later, I heard him using the phone: “Honey? Yeah, it’s me. You’re not gonna believe this! Yeah, Manchester-- honey, no, don’t do this! Honey, we have to get married in three days, I’m not gonna skip town! Call that motherfucker, that bail-bondsman! Tell him! You tell him!”

He went on like that for ten minutes, telling her he loved her and all that hoo-ha and all the while, the cops are yelling for him to hang up before they yank the phone outta the wall. “Honey, please, baby! If I don’t make bail now, I have all these other charges and court dates and I’ll never get out of here.” He was whimpering and could barely get his words out. “Please, baby… Please! It’s a fucking larceny charge. Can you believe it? Neither can I, baby… I’m innocent this time." Pause. "Babyyy!”

Soon after, in walked Eric Bunk, a scruffy forty-year-old blond man resembling Jackie “the Jokeman” Martling of the Howard Stern Show. The cop escorting him was mid-insult: “I find it hard to believe you’re innocent with the rap-sheet you got.”

Eric muttered something to the extent of “eat my balls” and was thrown in the cell next to me. I couldn’t see him anymore, but I didn’t have to. Not like he could be doing very much unimaginable in that cell with a blanket, video camera, and toilet without a seat. He muttered for several minutes (“Can’t believe this… fucking clerk...") while I remained silent. He farted, grunting for emphasis. After another minute of muttering, he let out another fart. In fact, he must've farted a good half-dozen times in those first five minutes. Finally, mercifully, I heard him belch. “Hey, bro… How’s it going?”

I figured I’d show him how tough I was, how cool I could be. “Fucking pitiful. And yourself?” Hey, I sounded tough, at least.
“My sentiments exactly. Fucking pathetic. I’m a disgrace, my friend. I should be locked up, I deserve it.”
“So, you did it, then?”
“No, of course not.” Oh. Right. But he went on to tell me the whole story. Either he truly was innocent, or years of lying about his actions had molded him into a skillful, manipulative, and (almost) completely convincing liar. I laid down and listened to his woes, the prison pyschologist by default. When he started going on about his years on heroin, it reminded him that he needed to take his methadone. Whoops.

All of a sudden, Bunk started screaming like a tortured siamese cat, banging on the bars and begging at the top of his nicotine-stained lungs. But if the cops were around, they didn’t seem to think methadone withdrawal terribly tragic. Gradually, as he began to hyperventilate and dehydrate, Bunk sat back on his cot and resumed farting and and belching and wondering aloud what time it was. Another twenty minutes and he hit the hay, imploring me to wake him if I heard a cop moping around.

“I got larceny five: conspiracy. Conspiracy from hiding that clock in the bag. 'Hiding.' Humph!” He ripped open a nice burp. “Ah Christ, I got eighteen charges already. I just got out of jail the other day, served three months for robbery.”
We were eating our McDonald's Cheeseburgers and drinking our watered-down, warm-ass Diet Cokes. (It's now ten years later, and I've never eaten an American McDonald's burger since. That's what jail does to you. - Ed.)
“Bank robbery?!”
“No, chief. I stole some shit from Bradlee’s. My fiancee needed a new coat for her birthday, on a Thursday, but I didn’t get paid till Friday.”
“That’s bullshit, though. That’s only petty larceny. What the hell’s this robbery shit?” My foul mouth, which I had been improving on over the summer, came back strong. Ah, jail...
“Well, they say it's because I punched the security guard in the face when he tried to grab me. Now I got possession charges and this… this bullshit they throw at me now.”

I wondered what time it was, but at the same time didn't care. Finally, Bunk stopped and tapped on the bars. “Hey, buddy?”
“Yeah?” I said, sitting up.
“Are you innocent?”
After a moment, I said, “I may be an innocent, but I'm not innocent.”
I don’t think he understood what I was getting at. “Oh, I get ya. Pleadin’ not guilty, eh?” I didn’t say anything and there was more silence. “This your first offense?”
“First time they caught me.”
“Good boy,” he said. I could picture him grinning that Jackie Martling grin. “You're seventeen, huh?” I could tell he was getting misty-eyed. “Yeah, I been in and out of this place since I was your age. Twennyfive years, my passion’s always been the criminal life. Hey, so what? Fuck it. I never ruined anybody’s life. The heroin I got arrested for? I never sold heroin to anybody, so it’s all on me. Only thing I regret was the security guard. Poor guy, just doin’ his job, ya know? I didn’t even keep running when he hit the ground. I kept looking over him when the rest of 'em were hitting me in the chest." He chewed his burger and scrunched up the wrapper. "Poor guy, man, poor guy.”

When I finally made bail in the morning, Eric began screaming again. In between pleadings for another phone call, he called after me, “Take care of yourself, brother! Don’t let 'em get you!”

The cops hadn't found my drugs, although they were right under the shotgun seat. My father found them early the next morning, knowing better my hiding spots. I don't know what happened to Eric Bunk, whether he got married or did time instead. But I remember what he said and thought of him often for the few next years, which were just as out-of-control as my seventeeth.

“What are you doing here, kid?”
“Larceny six,” I repeated.
“No, what the hell are you doing here? Stealing isn’t a profession, get a job.”
“My parents put all my money in the bank.”
“All I’m saying is… Don’t end up here at my age. Don’t be a loser like me.”

I've been in trouble with the law several times since, but never again have I spent a night locked up and I've never done anything illegal that harmed anybody else. When the cops ordered me out into the no man's land between Mexico and America, their hands on their holsters and the German Shepherds barking and sniffing, I couldn't help it: I started laughing. Because after 12 hours of being locked up in Connecticut with only McDonald's for “food,” and only a fartknocking cellmate to keep me entertained, I was pretty sure I could handle whatever I had coming to me...

Top Photo by Rob Jenga. Prison cell photo by Metro UK.

Previously: Scanner Confessions: The First Time I Got Arrested (Part One)

Oklahoma Sheriff Makes Nazi Wardens Look Like Pansies

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:20:00 GMT

"Custer County Sheriff Mike Burgess resigned Wednesday just as state prosecutors filed 35 felony charges against him, including 14 counts of second-degree rape, seven counts of forcible oral sodomy and five counts of bribery by a public official."

This guy makes working for Halliburton sound suddenly much less frightening. The full story of his escapades, including "A Girls Gone Wild"-style boob-flashing competition...

1) Told one inmate he'd turn her over to the Federalies (George Carlin's least favorite word) if she did not let him do her.

2) Burgess received a blow job from a woman who wanted a cushy trustee gig in prison, then later fired her from the position after she wouldn't go downtown anymore.

3) "Burgess is accused of having sex with a female drug court participant who was in his custody. The crimes are to have occurred between October 2005 and April 2007." Why is this taking so long to come out? Oh, right, they're all snitches who want lighter sentences-- everyone's jumping on the Burgess-bashing bandwagon.

4) "The lawsuit, filed by 12 former inmates, alleges the sheriff's employees had them engage in wet T-shirt contests and offered cigarettes to those who would flash their breasts." We take that back-- Oklahoma's prison system is a way more place to work than Baghdad.

5) Burgess "faces two counts each of sexual battery, rape by instrumentation and subornation of perjury, and one count each of engaging in a pattern of criminal offenses, indecent exposure and kidnapping." He's looking at a maximum sentence of 467 years, although you know he won't last a year as someone's Bitch.

Via CBS News.

Previously: Calling Mr. Mosley...

Scanner Confessions: The First Time I Got Arrested

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:00:00 GMT

“Hey, guess where I am?”
“I dunno,” he said, pausing for effect, “Jail?”

I, Scanner Brian, decided to speak out after reading of Sheila's recent brush with the law on Gawker and, admittedly, mostly thanks to the recent story of the handcuffed burglary suspect who escaped custody by stealing a police car.

The story of my first arrest and night in jail is far less Bourne Supremacy than that, certainly compared to the time I avoided arrest in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi for driving stoned out of my mind while trying to find my mentor, Stephen Ambrose's vacation house at four o'clock in the morning... well, actually, you just heard that whole story.

Continued from the excerpt at the top, direct from the writing journal I had at 17:

“But aren’t your parents in Rhode Island?”
“Yeah, dickhead. Do me a favor, I can’t talk long, call Justin, tell him I’m in jail, make sure if I don’t call him tonight from home to come down with his attorney to the Manchester Courthouse tomorrow morning at nine-thirty, so we can discuss the case.”
“Hey, you shit! Stop being so selfish. I wanted to go see Return to Paradise tonight!” He laughed to show he was only joking… but I knew the truth.
“Hey, buddy?”
I ignored the stunning realization that my friend probably cared more about a screening of a bad Kate Beckinsale movie than my well-being. “What?”
“I’m sorry, dude.”
“Don’t worry, it’s my fault, I should have known better.”
“Couldn’t you have… Did you have a chance to get away?” 
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you? You had a car…”

He was right. I could've gotten away. I'd felt the tap on my shoulder the moment I stepped into the department store's music aisle. But I lost my cool as panic washed over me: my hands began to shake and my teeth chattered and the security guard squinted at me knowingly. He was blond, mid-thirties, in a light blue shirt, smiling politely and affecting an air of complete casualness but for the walkie-talkie clipped to his belt. “Excuse me. Did you just return a backpack?”

I said no and resumed shopping as if my illegally obtained store credit still existed. He went away. As soon as he rounded a clothing rack and headed toward the cashier, probably to ask her why she had pointed me out as the culprit, I barreled through the nearby emergency exit door. The alarm sounded behind me, but it felt like it was following me all the way out into the mammoth parking lot.

My face burning with Fear of the Blue Shirt Man, I raced toward my father's Plymouth like a madman, or more likely America's Most Laughable Criminal, pressing my baggy jeans to my waist to keep them from sliding down. In ten seconds flat, I was at the driver's side door with my key out, jamming it into the lock. Not looking back but feeling every second rush by, I screamed for the inanimate object to get into the proper fucking keyhole. “Come on! Come on! You piece of shit."

I heard his sneakers coming, slowing from a sprint to a cautious jog. “Hey,” he said, not even out of breath, “Where are you going?”

The other security guards were already blocking the car's exit from behind before I could get the key in the ignition. Blue Shirt Man squinted at me. I was seventeen-years-old, no more skillful than a dimestore hood, caught resisting arrest and trying to return a boatload of merchandise without actually purchasing it. And though they didn't know it yet, there were drugs in the car, under the passenger seat, just waiting for the cops to pick them up with a chuckle and a "lookee here." I turned back to Blue Shirt. Defeatedly, with all that I had left, I told him, "Fuck you. I'm seventeen, bitch."

And then I went to jail.

To Be Continued... in Part Two: The Cellmate...

Photo of the author at age 18 by Michael Edwards.

Monika Jagaciak is Fourteen

Bryan Christian — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 16:46:00 GMT

So, we're beginning to wonder if, while we weren't looking, we might have gotten totally old and stuff. For instance, we just found a long gray hair dead in the center of our chest, like a bullseye left by Father Time for his good pal the Grim Reaper. Oh, also: we're kind of floored that they're letting Monika Jagacia -- a fourteen-year-old from Poland -- walk a runway in Australian Fashion Week. Sure, she's stunning and all, but... you know... fourteen! FOURTEEN!

Hey, hang on -- it can't be that weird of a question if, like, news.com.au was in such a scramble to confirm her age, right? Right?

***UPDATE 7/4 18.00: Jagaciak’s birth year, 1994, was published on the website of her mother agency, Gaga. IMG’s Sydney office claimed today that she is older than “13 or 14”. According to a representative of Gaga’s head office in Poland, with whom I have just spoken, Jagaciak’s birthday, as listed in their company records and as apparently also sighted on her passport, is 15/01/1994, making her 14.***

Here's hoping that Monika's mom and dad are sensible enough to keep her away from drugs, alcohol, couples dancing, and David Blaine.

Well, whew. We feel better now that we've gotten that off our chest. All righty then, leave us alone for a while; our programs are about to start.

[via]

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 19:44:00 GMT

We're going to try something different with this one: reasons why we love (and really get annoyed by) Heroes star Hayden Panettiere. The eighteen-year-old inspires love of the dirty, dirty variety in us, but there's a lot that pisses us off.

This one's all in pictures...

WE LOVE:

HATE:

In summation: we love Hayden (especially dressed as a Texas cowgirl-- damn, forget the cheerleader role and get her on "Friday Night Lights," stat!) And we gotta be hatin' at the same time (whether it's a seethrough dress we didn't want to see or holding hands with BFF Paris Hilton while Paris Hilton is between deepthroats on a lollipop. Yuck-- we feel terrible for the lollipop.)

As for blubbering over Flubber, we're a bit torn. Last week, we learned how hot PETA protestors could be-- activism is sexy but naked activists are sexier. It makes us realize how young and vulnerable she is that she can cry over spilled tuna, and that just kills our Scanner boners:

But it's always up to the readers to decide these anyway...

Teen Prisoners Have Wild Sex Party on Valentine's Day

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 14:00:00 GMT

It seems some Australian teens took a page from our homeboy Corey Worthington over Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, these teens were juvenile delinquents who were supposed to be guarded and locked down but who instead paid an unexpected and well-received visit to a nearby girl's dormitory.

Having spent time in the tank as a teenager myself, speaking strictly as Scanner Brian, I can definitely say that I would've rather snuck out to visit the girl's prison than to make any sort of daring escape. Then again, I would've probably been too terrified to just waltz into another prison and propose a wild orgy on Valentine's Day, as these lovable tykes apparently did:

A Territory mother said she was "furious" when her 15-year-old son - who is serving three months for a minor crime - told her he had taken part in the jailhouse sex escapade.

"He told me that they had all had sex in the one room - it was a big Valentine's Day sex romp," the 31-year-old mother said.

The guards had left the doors open-- in the male and female lock-ups, it appears-- on Valentine's Day and the guys and girls congregated for some consensual lovemakin'.

The mother said her son and the other teens had laughed off the orgy as "fun and games".

But she said several parents were now "in talks" with a lawyer about possibly taking civil action. "One father of a girl involved said he was going to sue the pants off them," the mother said.

Yep, that prison is in deep doo-doo. Ironically, the party animal of the Aussie nation has shrugged off the wrath of his parents and is going into the party-making business big time. Man, and we thought America had f-ed up that whole parental guidance thing...

[Link: News.com.au]

[Previously: Famous Glasses.]

Jailbait Wait Has Us on Some Dull Version of Pins and Needles

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 16:40:00 GMT

Well, not exactly. But, because we were mildly entertained (shocked and horrified, we mean, of course) by the Olsen Twins countdown, we spent some time on Jailbait Wait and found out there's not much to look forward to. Sure, Emma Watson is cute, but she's no Jessica Biel (er..if Jessica Biel were under 18, which, thank God, she's not.). And Dakota Fanning. No one is watching the clock waiting to fool around with Dakota Fanning. Not even the people who run the site. Peep the blurb after the jump:

Dakota Fanning (born February 23, 1994) is an American child actress. Fanning's breakthrough performance was in I Am Sam in 2001. As of 2007, her most well-known films have been War of the Worlds and Charlotte's Web. She has won numerous awards, and is currently the youngest person ever to have been nominated for a Screen Actors Guild Award.

(There, I made a countdown for her. Now stop bugging me. -- Bill)

Where are the creepy, scintillating overly-personal details? Where are the photos that make you feel like a Dateline predator? And who the hell is Bill? Even the pervs who run this site are phoning it in. Looks like the days of unfettered enthusiasm for Hollywood barely legals have passed. Anyone on the edge of your seat waiting for an 18th birthday? Maybe someone should start a countdown to eligibility for senior citizen benefits, because Susan Sarandon is over sixty and looking pretty fucking nifty.