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New X-Men Movie Sounds Like a Pile of Wolf Sh*t

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:35:00 GMT

A friend sent us a link to the New York Daily News review of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which doesn't say much of anything about the movie besides giving it one star.Hell, it doesn't even take that snoozer of a title to task.

What's notable about the story is what happens in the comments section: a flamewar starts among a whole slew of people who have never even seen the damn movie...

The opening lines pretty cover it-- typical movie critic putdown coupled with proof positive the movie blogs wolf balls:

The signature moment — done four times! — from "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is an overhead shot of Hugh Jackman with his arms and metallic blades outstretched, screaming as the camera pulls away.

It's the perfect response to this slice-and-dice superhero fiasco.

The remainder of the review contains no more hope for X-Men freaks:

We see Wolverine get a motorcycle, have his memory erased and gain his knuckle-knives.

We watch as he loves, loses and lumberjacks. What's never captured is why we should care.

You would think the fans would ignore this or at least say, "Well, that doesn't sound promising, but I'll reserve judgment until I actually watch this film." No such luck for Joe Neumaier, who receives a drubbing worse than Hugh Jackman's acting chops:

Aw this hack writer just wants to be the first one to have the negative review out there. Who needs reviewers? I go see what I want to see, I can honestly say I have NEVER let a critics opinion sway me seeing a film. It's art so the beauty is in the eye of teh beholder, not the critic.

Critics are lame and they don't actually do anything. They just make their living talking about what someone else does... a parasite of sorts. Make a career change baldy and do something real! "The credit in life goes not to the critic who stands on the sideline and points out where the strong stumble. But rather, the real credit in life goes to the person who's actually in the arena." Theodore Roosevelt

His Mother probably ripped up all his old comics... let's see what he says about, "Earth" from Disney, probably rave reviews and he'll use the free tickets he gets to take the family to Disney World.

Mr. Movie Critic, sir. Please tell us why on earth should we listen to your opinion? Is it because you have spent years studying the finer points of film and are the closest thing to an expert there is? Why don't you share some of your top movie picks so that the rest of us can trash them? Why do movie critics even exist. In these stressful economic times, that is one thing we could defnitely live without.

To the lame critic all I have to say is...Shrrrrirnggggg!! True fans and fans who don't give 2 s**ts about this cornball's review know exactly what this sound means and where we'll be on Friday.

Critic=Mutant Hater.

THis is about the only review that had something ad to say about this movie. I know sooo many people that have seen the bootleg and still plan to go watch it on the big screen. Ive had the dvd in my player for a week, but i wont watch it. Ive been waiting for this movie for soo long. This reviewer sure doesnt know what he's talking about.

Remember, no one here claims to have seen the finished cut of the film (the download doesn't count, since it's an incomplete version.) Wonder what they'll think when the movie comes out and breaks their iron little hearts...

Via the NY Daily News.

This Week in Online Dating

The Dangers of the Snuggie

This Teenage Sex Tape Craze Is Getting Out of Hand...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:28:00 GMT

And you thought it had gone too far when those two kids were arrested for making a sex tape of a consenting couple...

According to the Associated Press in Florida:

The Monroe County Sheriff's office has charged 10 teens from the Florida Keys with making child pornography after detectives confiscated a videotape of a 16-year-old runaway girl having sex with a 19-year-old man.
Authorities said the investigation started when a 14-year-old runaway told a school resource officer that she was worried her friend -- the girl having sex on the tape -- had been raped. The girl who appeared in the video denied being raped.
The teens, seven boys and three girls age 13 to 19, face charges of sexual performance by a child, a second-degree felony. Eight of the 10 were arrested Wednesday; the other two are out of town and will be arrested when they return.

Okay, one to operate the camera... another to hold the boom... my, this is a serious production now. So, we gotta ask, what were the other half-dozen participants doing during all this? Your suspicions, in the comments...

Via AP/ABC News.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Endless Power of Bras

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:19:00 GMT

Chris Brown, bastard of the year, may be dating another woman he'll eventually make miserable.

Here's a big surprise: nudity is frowned upon, even in art galleries, in Vietnam.

Evil dictator condoms-- do we really want people to think their sperm might create the next Hitler?

Bras are even stronger than we thought. Or maybe it's money that stopped the bullet.

Dude, if the gardener says he slept with your wife, a famous model, he might be messing with you.

Did you never get into The Grateful Dead? This New York Times article might help.

Are these "animal sex toys" creepy, funny, or a bit of both?

The Taliban murdered two teenagers who were attempting to elope.

And Keira Knightley attacked the internet and dissed Facebook in particular. Good for her.

This Whole Chris Brown and Rihanna Story Is Getting Sicker By The Day

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble...

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

More of the Best of "The Best of Craiglist"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:43:00 GMT

It's hard to believe it's been almost ten years since Craig's List officially took over the internet. Craig Newmark's baby has long since proved its staying power and questions about its eventual demise are considered silly since no end appears to be in sight.

Another sign of its vitality is the continuing presence of wacky, original posts showcasing North America's admirable ability to not always take itself so seriously. These few posts prove the site will always be ridiculous, bizarre, unfiltered, and entirely readable... if only in the "Best of" section, which thankfully weeds out the dick pics and political maniacs.

First, a personal ad that makes us wish we were lesbians...

best of craigslist > montreal >

Con U muslim lesbo looking for sweaty "ententes" with Jewish McGillian

What's with the McGill snobbery? Are Concordia dykes chopped liver already?

I'm a sexy Palestinian-born, Concordia-educated lesbian looking to make my very personal, very profound statement for peace by offering my luscious bod to a Jewish McGill gal to do with as she pleases. Let us bridge our cultural and institutional differences in a shuddering display of joy and togetherness and be an example to the rest of the world

Come break some taboon bread with me and I'll sip your Manischewitz wine.

محبوب

Republican at CPAC

Yo... young Republican guy here, attending CPAC this weekend. Looking for a discreet, masculine guy to fool around with. Conservative, closeted guys preferred... would like to meet someone attending CPAC (there are plenty of guys looking for action there), so we have something to talk about. Into making out, jerking off, oral... maybe fucking. I'm 5'9, masculine, 7"uc, brown/ blue.

Be in good shape, under 30, and drug/ disease free. Send pics in first email.

Would prefer to meet up at your place, since I'm sharing a room....

Location: DC

best of craigslist > ann arbor

The Streaker Tripper - m4w

I was streaking through the Diag Friday night at 2:15 am. Coming around the corner of State and Liberty, fast as a naked blur, I bumped into you and we both fell to the ground. I was a little upset with you at first, cuz I scratched my right butt cheek pretty bad, but I knew it was my fault. You said, "Nice New Balances," And all I could say was, "Thanks," with the adrenaline still rushing. In less awkward circumstances, I would have liked to talk to you. I had never run into a girl that fast or naked before... I didn't know how to respond so I helped you up quickly and kept running. Since my friends paid me $100 for making it to Kerrytown with just my socks, shoes, and a big smile, I'd like to take you on a date. You looked pretty fit so maybe you'd like to go for a run sometime. Hit me up! Bye!

best of craigslist > madison

Looking for Bridesmaids - w4w

So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have one bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You can be single or taken. It doesn't matter....you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me. Email me for more information. The wedding will be in Madison and you won't have to pay for a thing.

Hope to hear from you!

There you have it, folks-- a dissection of love in North America, circa 2009. (See the full ads and more here.)

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Teenage Girl Sues Her Father For Grounding Her, Wins

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

A 12-year-old girl (now apparently 13) sued her father in 2008 for denying her permission to attend a class trip because she was grounded. According to the father, the child had been using the internet at his house after being instructed not to. He claims the girl was visiting sites he had previously blocked and possibly sharing pornographic images of herself.

This is a no-brainer, right? But this textbook example of a frivolous lawsuit not only wasn't thrown out, it's gone through one initial trial and an appeal, both of which resulted in the girl coming out ahead. How is this even possible?

Of course, there is a lot more to this story. Even the original CBC reporter who wrote extensively about the case neglected to mention the bitter (and I mean BITTER) divorce proceedings. The mother, it is alleged, heard about the grounding and decided she would pay for the trip herself, chaperone, and help the girl sue her father with the help of her mother's attorney. (Of course, you could look at it another way-- perhaps the mother was into the trip before the grounding, so the father found and excuse to mess with them.) Either way, this child is being manipulated by one or both awful parents-- and, even worse, the idiot judge let all proceed as if there were a real case here. Instead, he should have fined both parents $100,000 and taken the kid away from them. Okay, that's a little harsh, we admit-- $100,000 US is like $8 billion Canadian.

Seriously, though, check out what judicial jackass (i.e. the winning attorney) had to say about this:

"Going to court was a last resort," said Lucie Fortin, a legal aid attorney who represented the girl. "The question was that there was a problem between the father and the mother, and the child asked the court to intervene because it was important to her.

"The trip was very important to her."

The last resort? The last resort for us would've been for a compromise and the girl to lose internet at his house for six months but still go on the trip. Maybe. "The trip was very important to her?" Then maybe she shouldn't have used the internet after being instructed not to. For all the punishments we endured as kids, almost every one of them was because we broke a rule we knew better than to break. Tough. Shit. Girl.

The father and mother are no longer speaking, by the way. And so we move on into the 21st century, having learned so little...

Via CBC.

Too Many Cocks in the Cockpit = Lawsuit

Ex-Detroit Mayor Gets All Sexy With the Texts

Young Guy Waits In Tree For His Girlfriend To Come Along And Accept His Ring

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:14:00 GMT

You would think the police, parents, and school officials would be thrilled to death by a guy who waits up in a tree in Terre Haute, Indiana for his girlfriend to get out of school. See, he's going to propose marriage and has driven all the way for Michigan or Wisconsin or one of those crazy places and has the ring in his pocket and everything.

What a hopeless romantic, right? "Hopeless" might be the word for it, yes...

According to a variety of bloodthirsty news outlets, a 20-year-old internet dork named Alex Edwards drove down to Indiana from Wisconsin and waited for his girlfriend to get out of school so he could propose. Awww... shucks. As it turns out, his girlfriend is a 14-year-old eighth grader who has been telling everyone she's been trying to break up with this creep for ages. And yes, they've had sex.

Edwards was surrounded by cops by the time school let out and he had this to say about his predicament:

Alex Edwards, 20, admitted he had sexual relations with the girl last August. He told reporters before his court hearing Tuesday he believed the relationship “was the same as like a 26-year-old and a 20-year-old.”

Not quite, Casanova. You're now facing several years in prison, not to mention spending his 21st birthday (Sunday)... in Indiana. Ouch.

Via TribStar.

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This is Where Prostitution Might Move Once Kicked Off Craigslist

Colleen Kane — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 15:01:00 GMT

I saw a commercial for a mating service called Online Booty Call, and at first thought it was a joke. Nope! 'Tis real. It's probably no different from Adult Friend Finder, but still...that name! It's just all right out in the open, isn't it? And to see it advertised on TV was a bit surprising.

A quick visit without joining reveals the above graphic done in Terrence- and- Philip- style animation, Booty Call Commandments, customer testimonials, and rather average-looking members with entertaining poses or user names...

Highlights from the 10 BC Commandments:

"Thou shalt get out before the sun rises."

"Thou shouldest never ask, 'Can we see each other from now on?'"

"There shall be no cuddling-- ever!"

Testimonials:

I met this guy on your site and for the last seven weeks it has been on.

Thanx OBC, I have had three dates in the last two weeks and they just keep getting better and more freaky.

Finally, a few thumbnails of members, including a crazy cat man! At least...looks like a man in the thumbnail...

"Hey there sex E girl" Text Message Haikus for Sarah Hepola

Review: Mail Goggles

"Why Does Steam Come Out of My Vagina?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:31:00 GMT

We were weighing another post about how eHow and Yahoo! Answers, among other hideous examples of free speech, are proving America is the dumbest and most unintentionally hilariously country in the United States, when this one question on our second least-favorite internet search engine became the web's top story of the day.

The "answers," while crude and downright offensive, are perhaps inevitable. It's all about setting up comedians for the punchline... if you do it well, you get a neat lil' joke. If you're asking for trouble, well... here's what you get:

Next time this happens, place a ceramic cup with 1 spoon of Nescafe Gold Blend, 2 sugars and a dash of milk between your legs.
Bon Apetite!

You won't die, but some ancient cultures believe in a pillow monster that lives in your vagina. This isnt acknowledged in modern medicine, however, the steam could be caused be the troll exhaling.

I think this means the pasta is done.

Unfortunately, your vagina is releasing harmful greenhouse gases that are contributing to global warming. I suggest that you capture the steam using a plastic bag or else you can cause a global catastrophe.

Does it smoke? Seriously, I have seen strippers perform this very trick. Perhaps after getting checked out, if there is nothing wrong, you might consider taking your act on the road.

As you might have guessed, every single one of these above comments were made by males (none of whom have avatars, let alone names or photos so we can shame them.) Unfortunately, though, the female responses were no better, ranging from the incoherent to "oh my God, better let a doctor take a look at you." It's called a gynecologist and they are available by appointment.

Now, the poor girl is talk, if not quite the toast-- of the internet, with inappropriate jokes made at her expense on everything from DListed to BuzzFeed. We'll pass-- these things just write themselves...

Via Yahoo!

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Normal Breasts Gallery Bums Us Out

Colleen Kane — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 22:31:00 GMT

It's sad that something like the Normal Breasts Gallery is apparently necessary.

The headline at the top of of this web page reads, "Have you seen pictures of normal non-sexual breasts?"

It's part of a larger website by the Female Intelligence Agency, and the aim of this breasts gallery is actually pretty similar to the sculpture project we covered yesterday, which shows vaginas of all different types to prove that vaginas come in all shapes and sizes.

So it turns out the artificial ideal of large pert breast with small nipples as seen on TV, movies and magazines does not actually happen in nature that much. To see many of those variations (asymmetrical, small, large areaolas, etc.), visit the gallery.

Boobpedia: The Encyclopedia of Big Boobs

Big Brother Has Boobs and Our Attention

Craigslist Behaving Badly

Colleen Kane — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 22:16:00 GMT

Two Craiglist ads have been making the rounds. First, a prank by a Texas man on his 21-year-old female co-worker (who spurned him), which may lead to harassment charges. He put up an ad pretending to be her, including a photo taken from her MySpace profile, offering to have sex with anyone who responded on Valentine's Day. She got over 200 offers by phone that day and although the ad was pulled down, she was still getting calls yesterday. Guess some guys had to work their courage up to proposition a stranger for sex.

So that was mean. But the next one falls into the "fake victimless boredom laffs" category on Craigslist.

(Click to enlarge.)

Wait a minute. Does this mean that not every ad posted on Craiglist is real?

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How Much Would You Pay for Peeing.com?

Colleen Kane — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 21:47:00 GMT

An Internet domain name auction was held recently in Las Vegas, where Erotica.com sold for $850,000. SexyLadies.com went for nearly $30K.

Some of the more specific site names went for significantly less, but still in a few cases more than a lot of people make in a year.

FootJob.com: $53,388

Peeing.com: $31,000

Licking.com: $16,000

FootSex.com: $16,000

Just a little something to share with the grandkids someday: "In my day, FootJob.com hadn't even started up yet!"

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Via AVN

Ladies, You're in Big Trouble...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:37:00 GMT

It turns out some guys don't know when Valentine's Day is. According to this news source, searches for "when is Valentine's Day" has skyrocketed on Yahoo. In other news, people still use Yahoo for internet searches...

That search frequency has increased 150 percent during the past seven days, with men being responsible for 79 percent of the searches, according to Yahoo.

We're only mentioning this so you won't be disappointed... then again, if your man does remember what Saturday is, you'll at least be pleasantly surprised he got you anything at all...

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Oh, The Things You'll Find...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Gizmodo has been spending too much time on Google, trying to figure out what idiots and teenagers and idiot teenagers are looking up on the internet search engine. The results, if you're feeling lucky, are after the jump...

Our favorites, compiled by typing things like "How to" or "I have a large" into the search bar and noting what Google auotfills, are below:

5,310,000 pages from people asking or answering: How to get pregnant.
• 69,400,000 people asking How to make money.
• 32,600,000: How to get over someone.
• 3,290,000: Who do I have to be to make you sleep with me.
• 841,000: I have a large cat in my pants.
• 3,300,000: I have a large uterus.
• 112,000: I hate a lovely bunch of coconuts.
• 3,160,000: Why do I fart so much.
• 528,000: Why do indians smell.
• 63,500,000: Why do I sleep so much.
• 680,000: Why do I have green poop.
• 883,000,000: Why do I have no friends.
• 7,570,000: Why do I have diarrhea.
• 4,170,000: Why do I have so much discharge.
• 7,120,000: Why do I have to pee so much.
• 230,000,000: Why do I have gas or so much gas.
• 6,000,000: Why men don't call.
• 8,380,000: Why men lie.
• 11,000,000: Why women have affairs.
• 36,500,000: Why women lie.
• 42,300: Why Luke Skywalker is an idiot.
• 1,610,000: I would like to buy a hamburger.
• 286,000: I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party (at Jason's house, in Jason's pants).
• 818,000: I think im pregnant.
• 442,000: I hate Indiana Jones 4.
• Almost 800,000,000: Who do I vote for.
• 114,000,000: I want a wife [114 million people are nuts]

Some we found on our own:

why i hated breaking dawn - 326,000 hits (um... what is Breaking Dawn?)

why i have to live - 1,340,000,000

my teacher has a crush on me - 467,000

i still wet the bed - 5,860,000

And more Gizmodo...

• 783,000: I have one testicle.
• 12,400,000: I have three breasts.
• 320,000: I have three testicles.
• 1,580,000: I have three girlfriends.
• 610,000: I have four sides, all opposite sides are parallel, I have no right angles. What am I.
• 126,000,000: When to say I love you.
• 2,730,000: Sleep is for sissies.
• 2,890,000: I smeel like poop.
• 1,400,000: I have a hard time swallowing.
• 338,000: I have a big bag of crabs here.
• 1,060,000: Sex is for making babies and revenge.

Read the rest here.

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A Beacon of Hope on the Internets

Colleen Kane — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Things are rough all over, with job losses at an alarming high (which we are too lazy to look up). But there's one place on the world wide web that celebrates the simple pleasures in life, many of them free. This blog is apparently an oldie, but to us it's a new goodie: 1000 Awesome Things.

Here are some of our favorite things from 1000 Awesome Things.

Really, really old Tupperware
That pile of assorted beers left in your fridge after a party
Wearing underwear just out of the dryer
Sleeping in new bed sheets
The universal fry-sharing policy
Hanging your hand out of the window of a car
The smell of frying onions
Taking your bra off after wearing it for hours
Popping bubble wrap
Pushing those little buttons on the soft drink lid

OMG! Such a good idea for a blog.

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Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

You would think it couldn't get any weirder than an arrest photo, taken by the accused drunk helicopter pilot, in which he and the arresting officer mug for the camera with a bottle of vodka and the arresting officer's shirt slightly undone...

...oh... but it does...

Here's a photo montage TMZ released showing old hijinks of the guy busted for drunkenly piloting a helicopter carrying drummer Tommy Lee:

You'll not in the bottom right enhancement (no pun intended) that the gauge notes he is speeding at 60 knots... or 69 miles an hour (no pun intended, we swear.) In an interview with TMZ, the pilot, David Martz, claims he was 300-400 feet in the air when these boob-grab pics were snapped. He's been cited by the FAA on at least one occasion and has a host of other blemishes on his record.

So, how is this douche allowed to pilot a helicopter in suburban areas, where he is lucky to not have killed multiple already?

Charm. Look at how the cop in that photo is amused by his antics... how the woman is gleefully allowing him to photograph her boobs for internet glory. (How lucky she is that TMZ censored her nipple-- we would have broadcast the photos around the world, in all their NSFW glory, had we only figured out how.)

Via TMZ.

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Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

While he chose to be overseas rather than attend the inauguration, Tom Cruise wants you to know he supports Obama.

Captain Sully was at the inauguration. Afterward, he took his family to a restaurant called the Hudson.

Diane Sawyer, who used to work for Nixon, really enjoyed herself at Obama's inaugural balls last night. This video clearly shows just how much she enjoyed it, if you know what we mean.

Malia and Sasha win... the Jonas Brothers!

Islamists in Malaysia want to ban Rihanna's concert there.

Strollerderby reported on the Krispy Kreme "abortion donuts" (a.k.a. doughnuts) nonsense.

Patti Lupone flipped her shit on a rude patron while singing live in Gypsy on Broadway-- now that's entertainment.

And this moron was the Mayor of a Wisconsin town... that is, until he was busted trying to pickup underage girls on the internet. Ouch.

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How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

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Boy Wages Internet Campaign To Stop Cussing, With Predictably Hilarious Results

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Instead of an obvious career in modeling or as a child star, McKay Hatch, a 14-year-old boy in California, decided to start a high school group called "No Cussing." Their pledge caught on, quickly garnering over 100 students. When the internet campaign began, the whole country, including Dr. Phil and Good Morning America, took notice. Their message of clean speech eventually spread all over the world, and peaked recently at 10,000 members.

But then the rest of the internet, the pranksters and redditors and Farkers, decided Hatch's campaign needed some pizzazz...

Go fuck yourself.
What the fuck are you doing?
Bullshit.

These are just three of the many thousands of hate mail messages Hatch has received since the word got out. Pizzas will arrive at his house at all hours, the phone rings all night long with prank callers. Best yet, the porn magazines consistently fill up Hatch's mailbox.

What do you think? Is this kid asking for it-- saying some words are "wrong"-- or does he have a valid issue here?

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Scanner Emily'z Internets Iz Ded

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:23:00 GMT

So my "modem was offline" (unbeknownst to me, thanks Time Warner!) for the last few hours. Then I return (it's still reaaaally slow) only to get this message? Why does the Internet hate me so much?

Good thing there's absolutely nothing happening this week...

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Sloppy Seconds: Is The Pill Making the World Unhappy?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:52:00 GMT

As if we need to remind you to switch to Firefox, a new report says Internet Explorer has another major security flaw.

Anthony Keidis came close to having kidney failure.

Did you know this weekend's box office included the biggest bomb in the history of movies? It turns out Delgo, which has a "D" average on Yahoo!, made just a half a million dollars back on its $40 million budget. Delgo is actually an independent film produced by an Atlanta entrepreneur and would've been a great slap-in-the-face to the Hollywood studios if it had been a success. We wanted it to be a great film, but more importantly, we wanted it to succeed outside the system. Such a shame...

The Cleveland Clinic has completed the first face transplant in the U.S.

Phish will headline Bonnaroo.

How did one North Carolina high school decide to honor their spelling bee champ? Guess.

A man is wanted by the courts for paying his $56 traffic fine. Paying his fine-- he paid his fine. Of course, he paid it with 112 rolls of pennies, which may have something to do with the problem...

Thank God: Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber named their kid... Samuel. Phew.

A four-year-old boy snuck out of his house in the middle of the night, crossed a seven-lane-highway, and broke into a dollar store to play with toys. Kid, piece of advice... if you're going to commit a toy burglarly, Toys 'R Us might be more bang for your (literal) buck.

A man is in custody today for plotting to (literally) cut off his former son-in-law's balls.

The Pill is going on sale over the counter pretty soon in the UK. But is it... making us all unhappy sex fiends?

And Carmen Electra (see above photo) can't get enough of Playboy.

Virgin Mary as Never Seen Before: In Mexican Playboy

How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

While You Were Sleeping: Scores Strikes Out

Who Will Be Time's Person of the Year?

Harry Potter, Most Kids Today: Unabashed Pre-verts*

Colleen Kane — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:46:00 GMT

In the wake of news that barely legal Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame is ready to drop knicker on film, and that teens in Washington state are flashing for the camera, comes more news along those same pert, dewey, and youthful lines.

Emma's colleague Daniel Radcliffe played Harry Potter and then did the play Equus where he famously appears nude on stage. He recently mentioned that a friend asked him if he was worried about getting an erection on stage. Au contraire.

"I said, 'No, that would be great! Rather the opposite takes place actually." China Daily further reported that Daniel would prefer the audience to see his "manhood in all its glory."

In further nudes, it has come to the attention of the entire media today thanks to a poll and numerous news stories that most of the nation's high-schoolers are a writhing, teeming mass of naked youthful abandon, and it's all being documented and passed around via pix messages sure to come back and haunt them later in life. See a rundown of the stats and stories here.

* Not a typo: a "prevert" is someone who is preverted.

Related:

No, These Are The Real Daniel Radcliffe Nude Photos

Harry Potter A Failure With Real Girls As Well

Daniel Radcliff Is Not so Fond of Pants

The Top 10 Yahoo Searches of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:28:00 GMT

We never understand why year-end best of polls come out before the year is over (meaning: we understood that the media tries to capitalize on the year before everyone stops carrying, but not why anyone accepts them as fact.) Top 10 movies, as polled by the critics who have seen all the year's releases already, but what if there's a major prostitution scandal and everyone starts looking up someone named Joanna Esmerelda Dupois in absurd numbers?

Yahoo isn't worried about our pesky little inquiries. It has already released their top 10 list for 2008 and although we've already revealed their #1 choice, once we caught wind of the runner-ups, we felt an overwhelming urge to burden you with this information...

10. American Idol. You mean, people don't get enough of this shit in its four hours per week?

9. Angelina Jolie. Must've been those $14 million baby pictures everyone was trying to catch a glimpse of without having to buy a tabloid magazine. Say hello to the free world wide web, People.

8. Lindsay Lohan. She would've been our guess for the #1 slot, which shows you how much we know about what men find most attractive.

7. Naruto. Apparently, some sort of cartoon character. See #8.

6. Jessica Alba. Yes, she has her assets, but none of them include talent, interesting personality, or newsmaking lifestyle. Why, why, why?

5. RuneScape. We're starting to feel a little bit left out of the loop here...

4. Miley Cyrus. We're almost relieved to see Hannah, scion of the Montana's, on this rundown, for reasons of familiarity only.

3. Barack Obama. Here's hoping the most popular related searches do not include the phrases "is a Muslim" or "and mom's nude photos."

2. WWE. Scary... although we figured eight-year-old boys are computer-trained these days...

1. Britney Spears. What hasn't been said already about a woman who was a has-been at age 7 and hasn't done a damn thing worth paying attention to since? Let's make this her last appearance on this or any list, please...

Via Yahoo.

Related:

Caption This: Britney is Keeping Her Kids This Time

Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

While You Were Sleeping: Who's #1 on Yahoo?

Sloppy Seconds: Divorce for Amy Winehouse?

While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

eHarmony, Let The Gays Begin!

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:46:00 GMT

eHarmony, the online matchmaking site that infamously rejected the gay community (and Scanner Emily) now begrudgingly offers their services to love-seeking homosexuals (but not Emily).

After numerous lawsuits, eHarmony will be forced to service gays and lesbians (zing!). The AP reports that this is, in particular, due to a 2005 settlement in a suit filed by Eric McKinley of New Jersey who demanded not to be subject to discrimination when he was prevented from joining the site because he was gay.

But eHarmony couldn't actually let the gays use their site. The company has created a new agency (We know, it’s all very “Separate but Equal”) so passionately titled, Compatible Partners (we were expecting eCacophony) will launch this March, just in time for Valentine’s Day to be long gone.

Jerks.

Related:

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

This Week in Gayness: Ellen vs. the Bigots

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Photo: The Consumerist

Megan Fox Is So Hot Right Now, GQ Can Just Recycle Her Photos Every Month

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

Megan Fox, who will not be playing Wonder Woman, despite previous reports, and was the only woman shortlisted for GQ's Man of the Year is still the #1 woman on the internet. (Well, except for Keeley Hazel. And Sarah Palin. And... and... never mind.)

But no one drives up traffic like Megan Fox-- or, more importantly-- Megan Fox in a bikini...

According to One India:

American actress Megan Fox has been listed as the hottest babe on the planet in Chickipedia's latest 100 hottest women list yet again. Chickipedia, which is the world's largest web-based, wiki-based database of hot women on the planet, released the Top 100 most-searched for women in the month of October, the Daily Telegraph reported.

This is the second year that Fox has topped the list, with the second place going to Hugh Hefner''s No 1 ex-girlfriend Holly Madison. The most-searched for female survey saw Keeley Hazell in third position, while new Aussie girls ‘The Veronicas’ were at number six. The new list also saw Madonna and Victoria Beckham being dropped and replaced by US Republican IT girl Sarah Palin and her alter ego, Tina Fey.

Good riddance to Madonna and Victoria-- but Holly Madison? Bland as New York is fucking freezing today.

In celebration of Fox's latest victory, GQ has unleashed more of the photos that made her a huge star and, for no reason whatsoever, we're passing them along to you:

Tips From A Stripper: On Saving The Environment

Who is GQ's Man of the Year? (File Under: Duh)

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Yes, We'd Like A Lifetime Supply of Pronto Condoms, Please

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

Happiness by the Numbers: Sex and TV

GayBalls: The Final Episode

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:47:00 GMT

It seems the economy is even hurting the webseries industry: this is the last episode of GayBalls, according to an e-mail we just received from Christopher Lee, the show's co-creator.

You let us know, loud and clear, you still wanted to see the basketball-playing studs... and so, for the final time...

San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

Return of the Gay Balls

Video of the Day: Gay Balls, Episode I

FCC Wants To Give You Free Wi-Fi

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 18:08:00 GMT

Last night, while we were busy making out with total strangers and getting groped in the streets of Manhattan, an historic event took place. Something incredible happened out there, people, and no, we're not talking about that Hussein dude pulling the wool over our eyes...

According to a story in Business Week, while the American people were speaking out in record numbers, the Federal Communications Commission, that Bush Administration disaster was trying to make amends for its past anti-First Amendment grandstanding-- perhaps out of fear of the anti-conservative revolution they're missing out on-- made a unanimous decision on wi-fi:

The country's top communications regulator unanimously voted to free up the biggest ever swath of airwaves to be used by the public for cheap high-speed wireless Internet access.
The vote came after more than six years of public scrutiny and decides the fate of airwaves that will be made available when television broadcasts switch over to digital signals from analog in February. A broad coalition of opponents, including lawmakers, musicians, and broadcasters, argued that free public use of the airwaves would interfere with TV broadcasts and wireless microphones. "I don't think I've ever seen anything like this [amount of pressure] from broadcasters before," says Steve Sharkey, senior director of regulatory and spectrum policy at Motorola (MOT), one of the companies that welcomed the FCC's decision.

Of course, don't get your wires all in a twist in excitement just yet. Wait for AT&T, Verizon, and anybody else who makes gazillions off of something we should all be getting free.

What do you think?

Via Business Week.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Guy Ritchie's Death Threat

How The World Watches Porn Now

May We Introduce You To Your Newest Time Suck?

While You Were Sleeping: The Trial of Keanu Reeves

How The World Watches Porn Now

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:14:00 GMT

Elmhurst, Illinois, you perverts!

Today, we were alerted to Internet Pornography Statistics, a website devoted to compiling mildly outdated info on how the world searches for porn.

Among its most interesting revelations: China makes billions more on porn than the United States does...

1) China made $27.41 billion from porn in 2006, while the United States made $13.33 billion. (The US still beats the Chinese in the per capita category by 17 billion dollars.)

2) These figures are striking:

Every second - $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography

Every second - 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography [only 28K?!]

Every second - 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines

Every 39 minutes: a new pornographic video is being created in the United States

...especially the part about every 39 minutes. Obviously, this doesn't include sex tapes, which are created every 14 minutes by celebrities.

3) The American city with the most searches for "porn": Elmhurst, IL, followed by Stockton, CA and Meriden, CT.

4) The top search phrase in the porn category was the word "sex." Surprisingly, "adult dating" was second and "porn" a distant third, with a 3% drop from 2005. We wonder what's #1 now? "Kim Kardashian ass," perhaps?

5) More females searched for the terms "Adult dating," "teen sex," and "free sex" than guys did. "Adult dating" and "adult sex" seem to be the search terms females use the most and the percentage of women in each category (18-24, 50+, etc.) spread almost evenly across the spectrum.

6) Guys and girls agree on a few things: the search terms "XXX," "Group sex," "Sex ads," "Sexy," and "Sex chat" were used almost evenly among men and women. There is some hope for us after all...

Read the rest here, via Internet Filter Review.

Related:

Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

Olga Kurylenko: "My Treasure Trove of Topless Photos Don't Count As Porn" [nsfw]

NYU Class Teaches You How To Have Sex

Groupie Shocked To Find Out Pop Music Douche Used Her For Her Body

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

Republican Ex-Assemblyman, Tough On Sex Offenders, Busted For...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:12:00 GMT

Three guesses as to what Republican Chris Ortloff, a former member of the New York State Assembly, is facing life in prison for...

1) Ortloff served twenty years in the State Legislature before he was appointed to the parole board by Gov. George Pataki, a position he retains to this day.

2) Ortloff discovered the cursed internet, invented by his nemesis Al Gore, and decided he liked it. Well, he liked the part about being able to e-mail (what he thought were) 11 and 12-year-old sisters in hopes of arranging hotel sex.

3) The perv went to a hotel with "condoms, lubricants, a vibrator, and a camera" to capture the illicit sex with the underage girls. Of course, the underage girls were actually cops who were legally allowed to kick his door down and haul his ass downtown, which is exactly what they did.

4) Now Ortloff faces ten years to life in the slammer for his attempted night of sin. He's due back in court today for a bail hearing. Good luck with that-- see you at your first parole board hearing, dumbass!

Via Newsday.

Related:

Sex Offender Running For VT Senate Seat

Hero of the Day: Dad Who Killed A Sex Offender Turned Home Invader

Man Charged After Drunken Sex Leaves Woman Dead

Go Have A Jolt Cola And A Sandwich, Kids, We Want To Have An Orgy

Nude Bicyclists Protest... Global Warming?

Porn and Pasties: We Missed Out

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

"Porn and Pancakes..." "Porn and Pastries..." and the much-less-appetizing "Porn and Parents" (ouch.) Sounds like the agenda for a totally different kind of "#1 porn site..."

Unfortunately, it was a xxxchurch.com event, and an anti-pornography event to boot:

"Porn and Pastries" was part of an anti-porn weekend at the church that included "Porn and Pancakes" for guys and "Porn and Parents" on Saturday, and a "Porn Sunday" today.
Now, he says, his anti-porn site gets 300,000 to 700,000 visitors a month, depending on the publicity it gets.

Porn and Pastries was the first women-only event that the xxxchurch had done, as it stages more than 100 anti-porn gatherings a year, said Gross. [Seattle Times]

Of course, what Gross wouldn't say on the record was that 290,00 to 690,000 of those visitors were surfing for sexy nun videos. XXChurch, meanwhile, attempts to lead web users toward the Lord and away from Lord of the Cockrings. The event, held in Seattle by a Vegas-based Christian, drew hundreds of women, mainly between the ages of 20 and 40, all of whom paid $10 to hear stories of lovers scorned by porn-loving men. The message here: don't let your husbands look at porn or your lives will be ruined.

Although the message on xxxchurch.com's "Get Involved" page can be misinterpreted to encourage porn-loving:

See, if you think about it one way, it's a kind of Jesus Saves (Everyone, Including) Porn Stars... but if you read it the other way...

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: John Cusack's Stalker is Neither Off the Hook or Unattractive

San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

Gonzo Porn Director Slapped With 4 Years In Prison By Un-American Tampa Court

Teenage Boy Busted For Receiving A Nude Picture Message

Video of the Day: Rachael Ray Corn Porn

Sloppy Seconds: C-ya L8-R, TRL

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Lance Bass will be the first openly gay contestant to appear on Dancing With the Stars. And in case you're wondering, he will be dancing with a woman. [People]

Al Gore is to the Internet as John McCain is to the Blackberry? [Jossip]

We officially like Todd Palin far more than we like Sarah (we feel sorry for him, too). [Gawker]

Musical vibrators? Sign us up! [Queerty]

After ten long, party-top-filled years, MTV's TRL, originally known as Total Request Live, has been canceled. This will clear Times' Square and very important brain space for many people. [Us]

	Every second* - $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography*
	Every second - 28,258* internet users are viewing pornography* [only 28K?!]
	Every second - 372* Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines*
	Every 39 minutes: a new pornographic video* is being created in the United States*