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My Deflowered Memoir Is Not So Flower-y

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:11:00 GMT

I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. It was less than spectacular.

That is the abridged version of my deflowering. If I were to tell you the longer vesion I might include the part where I left thinking "wasn't that supposed to hurt?"

If I were to write the longer version, I might also submit it to Deflowered Memoirs, a new website (and hopefully book) that shares women's stories of their first times.

Because I was sick with nerves, I wanted to treat him like a sex deliveryman who had come to quickly perform a service…to rid me of this stupid embarrassing leftover of babyhood. Then, he could be off to his next sad and pathetically old virgin client. Unfortunately, he wanted to eat before we got started. So, we went to the local Tasty Freeze, just like "Jack and Diane" of John Mellencamp's teen love anthem, which retrospectively seems ironically appropriate. Energized by burgers and fries, we headed back to my apartment, where I nervously attempted small talk. Thankfully, Mike grew impatient quickly. He clumsily lifted me mid-sentence, pushed me hard against the nearest wall, and shoved his tongue down my throat. "It's beginning" I thought with relief as he carried me to my room, threw me on the bed, disrobed me and deflowered me. There was no pain, no blood. I even had an orgasm thanks to his "cunning linguistics." About five minutes in to the experience I thought, “this is so not a big deal. What the fuck was I worried about?” Nevertheless, when it was over, I prayed for him to leave. I didn't want to be bothered with a post-coital intimacy that didn't exist. Thankfully, he did; and I quickly called Jackie to tell her all about the experience. Then, I made a list of other boys I wanted to "hang out" with now that the virginity monkey was off my back. But, before moving on to that list, I decided to travel north to Indianapolis to perfect my skills with Mike the following weekend…and the weekend after that, and the one after that…and then all hell broke loose...and I realized that perhaps sex wasn't as perfectly simple as I wanted it to be.

That's an excerpt from creator Abby Kincaid's memoir. But it sure does sound a lot like ours.

[Deflowered Memoirs]

Related:

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Virginity Auction: Now How Much Would You Pay?

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

KFC Employees Found Finger Lickin' Clean in the Kitchen

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:17:00 GMT

Two KFC employees have been fired in Anderson, CA after photographs of them with another female employee bathing in the fast food chain's kitchen sink were posted on MySpace in an album titled "KFC Moments." Captions included "haha KFC showers!" and "haha we turned on the jets." Haha. We bet you did.

We have two things to say about this: 1. it's going to be a long time before we eat at KFC again (not that any of the food even sees the sink before it goes into our mouths) and 2. we are so, so glad MySpace didn't exist when we 14 and working at Chinese Delight in the Independence Center.

Some of the KFC Moments—which we really hope are not kiddie porn—after the jump.

All the grease in those sinks has got to be bad for their skin, no? And why were only two fired? Perhaps the third was banging the manager.

Related:

Sophie Monk Has A KFC Relapse

Sloppy Seconds: Topless Chicks Arrested At KFC

PETA and the Real Dolls

Who Would You Rather: 50 Cent vs. Taco Bell

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When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:20:00 GMT

When I moved to New York eight-and-a-half years ago, I came in a U-Haul packed full of junk, including wicker furniture, a Laura Ashley bedspread and a milk crate of CDs that, at the time, I thought were pretty cool.

While the wicker furniture was put out on the street years ago, I haven't been able to part with the CDs. I have lugged that damn crate to eight different apartments because I couldn't bring myself to part with the music of my youth—which in retrospect mostly sucks, and not even in an ironic way (the first CD I ever purchased was the soundtrack to the Adams' Family Movie).

Now that I'm moving back to Missouri, however, and am determined to not be the girl I was determined not to be when I left, I decided it was finally time to let the music (and some muzak if we're being honest here) go. I figured the stoop sale I was having on Saturday was the perfect excuse.

As I put the Dixie Chicks, Master P (which I still like, but it's a little scratched up) and Wilson Phillips in the box labeled "The Most Embarrassing CD Collection Ever, $0.25–$2.00," I came across a loose, teal CD. It was "2 Become 1" by the Spice Girls. I started holding onto it when I was 15 or so, because I wanted to lose my virginity during that song... in a clean bedroom full of candles. I did not have a clean bedroom. Or a large collection of candles. And I sure as hell didn't lose my virginity to the tune of the Spice Girls.

I don't even think there was any music playing.

The short version of the story is that I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet when I was 17. The less short version is that I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. I really don't remember much more about it. It was less than spectacular.

That was a few months before I moved to New York. I held onto the CD thinking that sex had to be better than that—that someday 2 would become 1 and it would be spectacular.

Over the years I lost the case. The CD got moved a lot, never played.

Saturday I put it in the 25-cent box at the stoop sale. At the end of the day it was still there. I looked at the back. It was totally scratched up and even a little cracked. [Insert tortured metaphor here.]

I never realized that the Spice Girls are practically having sex with New York City in that video. Good thing I still have the CD and 12 days left in Brooklyn.

Related:

How Long Were You a "Technical Virgin?"

Sloppy Seconds: Guess Who Has a Brand New Vagina!

Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings

China Says "Virgins Get Better Husbands"

Sloppy Seconds: What Does LiLo Have Against ScarJo?

Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:09:00 GMT

We love Brian Williams and we love food courts (our first job was at Chinese Delight in the Independence Center, yo) so it should come as no surprise that we really love that NBC's Brian Williams loves to eat in food courts. [Parade]

Disney meal ticket Miley Cyrus was killed by a drunk driver over the weekend. Except totally not at all! [MTV]

Michael Jackson is being sued by the future king of Bahrain after Jackson supposedly backed out of a recording contract. [Radar]

How much fashion is really involved in the Victoria's Secret fashion show? Because we just see lots of skin. [NY Daily News]

Did you know that Scarlett Johansson was the inspiration behind Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl?" [People]

Could that be why Lindsay Lohan is no fan of Scarlett Johansson. Probably not. Two years after LiLo wrote some nasty words about ScarJo on a New York bathroom stall, Johansson still has no idea why LiLo hates her. [Us]