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Sloppy Seconds: These Boobs Are Made of Magic

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 00:20:00 GMT

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Here's your Fark-ready story of the day: the speed camera guy was caught speeding!

As if Michael Jackson doesn't have enough problems, he's being sued by a former publicist for $44 million.

The world just discovered that kids are inspired to have sex after watching TV.

Your headline of the day: "Q: What do you do when your little girl is playing with her brother's penis?"

These boobs can do magical tricks.

Wouldn't it be amazing if Stringer Bell became James Bond after Daniel Craig.

Bristol Palin thinks abstinence works. Just when we were beginning to think she was intelligent.

And Kiefer Sutherland had a fight. Unfortunately, it wasn't for 24.

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

This summer, we gave you the 50 Sexiest Albums of All-Time in an effort to help the music industry's sluggish sales numbers. Now, we present an even sexier compendium-- complete with a few NSFW scenes to warm up your November afternoon-- as well as background and trivia and everything else that we can think of to convince you to rent these the next time you want to seduce somebody...

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 50-41

50. The Seven Year Itch. Backstory: What more do you need than this, Marilyn Monroe's famous subway grate encounter? Trivia: It has the Joe DiMaggio Seal of Disapproval-- the scene was so sexy, her husband (that guy from the Mrs. Robinson song) fled and never came back. Irnoically, the skirt blowing up? Deleted from the movie itself. Luckily, the rest of the film is brimming with unconsummated sexuality.

49. Casablanca. Backstory: Not even the sexiest movie from 1943, this earns its place here for the most romantic scene in movie history, in our opinion. Watching Bogie decide to do the right thing and send the love of his life off on a plane with her husband is so damn manly of him that, at the mere reminder of this moment, our gonads hang in shame. Trivia: The original ending came very closed to being changed thank to the Allied invasion of Casablanca just before the film was to be released.

48. Cruel Intentions. Backstory: Is it wrong to choose this over Les Liaisons Dangereuses, its predecessor? No, for while Liaisons did have a notable sex scene featuring the breasts of Uma Thurman, it also featured the tongue of John Malkovich and didn't really capture our (sexual) interest throughout. Oddly enough, the sinister and more overt incestuous teasing Sarah Michelle Gellar puts Ryan Phillipe through kept us glued to this otherwise merely grade-B adaptation of the famed French novel. Trivia: The sequel was originally planned as a TV series called Manchester Prep; here's how bad it was: when Fox decided it was too risque for their radical right-wing mindsets, the producers simply slapped the first three episodes together, added a nude scene, and released it straight to video. Yep, it's that good... [NSFW naughtiness starting after the 40-second mark.]

47. Midnight Cowboy. Backstory: If you're over the age of 12, you've hopefully done your civic duty and watched the only (then-)rated X movie to win Best Picture. If you haven't, stop reading and add it to your queue at once. If you've already seen it, then you know the hilarious sex scenes and sexual tension between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman are only two of the reasons it helped to usher in a new dawn of gritty Hollywood filmmaking. Trivia: The film's famous party scene includes actual Warhol Superstars and the script was written by the great blacklisted writer Waldo Salt.

46. Flashdance. Backstory: While dancing in a lousy Pittsburgh bar and dreaming of studying at a nearby conservatory, Jennifer Beals meets the owner of a steel mill, where she also works. The two gradually fall in love... and yeah, you read Cinderella? You're tired of bad 80s music? Then you don't need this film. What you do need is this clip below... Trivia: The script was co-written by Joe Eszterhas, who went on to pen Showgirls and Basic Instinct.

45. Body Heat. Backstory: Hey, remember when Kathleen Turner used to be hot? We don't either-- although many people swear by the steamy Southern tale of murder, betrayal, and other cliched Hollywood plot twists. Trivia: Who cares about trivia? Watch this scene of unrestrained animal lust, which almost makes you forget it involves William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. [NSFW almost immediately.]

44. No Way Out. Backstory: Sean Young's character is so magnificiently attractive, not only does Kevin Costner risk life and life to sleep with her, but Gene Hackman ends up doing a terrible thing in rage because of her. (We won't say what it is, but here's a hint: they give it away on the back cover of the DVD, those idiots.) Trivia: This is the only film on this list that includes a sex scene in a movie vehicle. Also, nobody ever looked as good as Sean Young (!) does in that early party scene. Never ever. [NSFW almost immediately.]

43. Goldfinger. Backstory: It's fucking James Bond, yo, so there's your backstory. This is the one with Pussy Galore and all her hot young pilots, Shirley Eaton wearing only gold body paint, plus Sean Connery at his peak. Trivia: The Aston Martin spy car was introduced in this film and was such a successful inclusion it insured many films had donated product placements from them on.

42. Bound. Backstory: Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon make sex movie, yas. Trivia: This movie had a major cult following in the days before internet porn took off, and probably still does to this day. At one time, the phenomenon reached such a fever pitch, the following clip topped several Best Sex Scene Polls. The rest of the movie is pretty randy, too. [NSFW starting around the 4-minute mark.]

41. Bull Durham. Backstory: Who knew North Carolinans had such hot sex and great minor league sports teams? Trivia: The sex was so spectacular, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon decided to keep it going in real life... and they still do, or so we're told. Also, if you look closely, the note that Costner sends over to Sarandon doesn't say “I want to make love to you.” It says, “Wanna fuck this time?” And one more: Kurt Russell, who played minor league ball at one time, was originally set to star. [NSFW starts after a few minutes, then continues through two consecutive sex scenes.]

To be continued... your suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments section.

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes

Lizzy Caplan And Her HBO Porn Show Still Terrible, Terribly Hot

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

While You Were Sleeping: Which Hollywood Celeb Loves Anal Sex?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

The leader of the dreaded Taliban in Pakistan is dead. Much to everyone's chagrin, his death is from kidney failure.

This new Dr. Drew sex show isn't going over well. Especially the stuff about Moms and their sons discussing each others' sex lives.

That nonsense about Russia being so close to Alaska? Turns out it's truer than we thought...

Owen Wilson's new addiction? Text messaging.

Sharon Stone is really starting to freak us out. Stop it!

And we were going to wait for the full Esquire feature, but it's taking forever to come out, so we'll just tell you what we know: Anne Hathaway has become the first Hollywood star to publicly praise anal sex:

“Every woman should try it, otherwise they miss out on something amazing.” She adds that anal penetration makes her feel “feminine in a very special way.”

The actress also spoke at length about the significance selecting a trustworthy partner for first time anal encounters.

Via Pop Crunch.

Related:

Spencer Pratt Knows a Thing or Seven About Initiating Anal Sex

Karrine Steffans Asks That You Please Take Your Anal Beads Home With You

The 99 Most Degrading Sex Acts... There Has To Be One More, No?

Coming Soon: Nude Photos of Anne Hathaway

While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Girl, Molested By Teacher And Guidance Counselor, Is Kicked Out Of School

"I Had Sex With My Brother" One Woman's Blue Lagoon

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:16:00 GMT

This woman did it to her brother a whole lot and really wants us to know that it was good clean sister-brother loving and not abuse. As she tells the Times Online:

Daniel is my brother, but since I was 14 we've had a sexual relationship - and that's not something that many people would feel comfortable with.

Right, a sexual relationship that is, of course, better than any other sexual relationship could ever be.

We both went out with other people and there was never any jealousy, although I found it hard to be physically intimate with anyone else. Part of that was because sex with Daniel was so amazing that I had no patience for all the fumbling that seemed to happen with other boys.

So how did this whole thing begin?

I was extremely sleepy when he crept into my room and curled up on my bed...I became aware of his hand drifting lower and suddenly I was wide awake as he stroked my neck and started sliding his hand down my vest top. I wasn't scared but I was surprised as he started stroking me, though my overriding sensation was one of sheer pleasure. I instinctively lifted my mouth to his as he kissed me and then he hugged me very tightly and left.

We have a brother and from this position, as people, with a brother, we ask to please not hear about your super great incestuous sex anymore. We know, it's not fair that your love is forbidden and really grosses people out. But, trust us, it really grosses people out. Go ahead, think of yourselves as a modern day Romeo and Juliet or whatever. Write love poems about no one knowing your secret--but then make sure to keep it that way.

Video of the Day: Miley Cyrus and Her Dad Get Too Close For Our Comfort

Emily Farris — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 16:12:00 GMT

Seriously, it almost looks like they're going to make out a few times in this video of the Annie Leibovitz shoot posted on Vanity Fair's website. And you thought the pictures were creepy?

Sweet niblets, Annie Leibovitz’s photographs of Miley Cyrus sure have caused a stir. One financial blogger even went so far as to speculate that Disney’s stock could take a hit, now that “its $1 billion Miley Cyrus franchise is at risk thanks to the June 2008 cover of Vanity Fair.” Cyrus isn’t actually on the cover, but we catch the drift. Except that, as this exclusive video shows, the nefarious photo shoot that has parents threatening to host Hannah Montana bonfire parties was actually a relaxed family event in one of the most picturesque settings imaginable: the green hills of Calabasas, California.

A little too relaxed if you ask us.

[Vanity Fair: The Miley Cyrus Photo Shoot]

Marie Claire Writer: I Saw My Sister In A Porn Mag

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 19:47:00 GMT

"Help! I Saw My Sister In A Magazine I Was Jerking Off On Years After She Became A Meth-Addicted Porn Star Following Her Escape From Our Molesting Brother And Tragic Father And Lost All Her Teeth And I Had No Qualms About Exposing Her Story For Profit In Marie Claire!"

Robert Radin's instantly legendary piece for Marie Claire about the tragic story of his porn star sister would be the most devastating piece of sex-life journalism (in a Pulitzer-Prize kind of way) we've read in years if it wasn't flagrantly a rejected Savage Love letter. It sounds like Jason Blair's autobiography of his sister, if he had one:

Radin's unnamed sis:

Was in a porn mag ad for a phone sex line. That her brother saw her in when he was beating off on its pages.
Lost portions of her front teeth due a) bulimia purging, which caused some sort of acid to settle on her teeth and/or b) meth shooting.
May have had sex with another brother of hers on multiple occasions-- a young Robert walked in on the six-year-old underneath her nine-year-old bro one time. Years later, following their father's death, the other brother stayed in his sister's room overnight on various occasions, with nothing but a "I didn't want to sleep alone" sob story as his defense.
Was an alcoholic at least by the age of 13, possibly earlier.
Was raped as a teenager.
Crashed her car while drunk by plowing into a tree.
Had a huge scar between her eyebrows from the above accident. She soon ran away from home and never returned.
Attended Robert's wedding in a "form-fitting navy dress with a teardrop cutout over her breasts." She spent the reception racked with nerves, lest her brother's friends recognize her from the movies.
Hasn't spoken to Robert in ten years.
Is getting a lot of love-- the internets are abuzz with talk of her whereabouts and well-being.

Isn't anyone else more than a little bit bothered that Robert would write about how his sister is basically lost to him, is clearly concerned for her health, and yet makes no mention of his attempts to get back in touch with her and help sort out her troubles?

Maybe some of that Marie Claire cash could pay for rehab, eh, Robert? Just a hint.

Link via Marie Claire. Image via Annie Sprinkle.

Busted: Identical Twin Gay Porn Stars

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 13:30:00 GMT

Apparently, porn doesn't pay very much these days. Philly porn stars and identical twin bro's were busted last week for a string of cat burglaries in which they used an ax and saw to get into a Rite Aide and local beauty parlor.

Their other exploits are far more interesting, however:

Philly.com reported that police spotted Taleon engaged in acrobatic displays at an apartment complex. After that, Taleon reportedly began dealing drugs, and officers arrested him for possession of crack and a firearm.

However, Taleon gave officers the slip by smashing out a window with a head-butt and then exiting their vehicle, still shackled with handcuffs, He then dove into a pond, said Clementon, N.J. Chief of Police Dave Kunkel.

They've committed more than 40 robberies in the NJ-PA area, although this is apparently the first time they've been caught committing a break-in. Speaking of break-in's, porn producers across the country have been trying to reach the fab duo, hoping to break them into the business. Erik Schut of TLA entertainment was quoted as exclaiming: "Two incredibly beautiful black men and twins-- it’s unprecedented."

[Photo and link via Edge LA.]

And In Other News: We've Totally Done it With Our Cousin

Emily Farris — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 16:38:00 GMT

A new study suggests that all people with blue eyes have one common ancestor. Meaning we've totally done it with a few of our cousins. Even if they were, like, our seventh cousins 49 times removed, it's another story for our Redneck Memoir.

“Originally, we all had brown eyes”, said Professor Eiberg from the Department of Cellular and Molecular Medicine. “But a genetic mutation affecting the OCA2 gene in our chromosomes resulted in the creation of a “switch”, which literally “turned off” the ability to produce brown eyes”. The OCA2 gene codes for the so-called P protein, which is involved in the production of melanin, the pigment that gives colour to our hair, eyes and skin. The “switch”, which is located in the gene adjacent to OCA2 does not, however, turn off the gene entirely, but rather limits its action to reducing the production of melanin in the iris – effectively “diluting” brown eyes to blue. The switch’s effect on OCA2 is very specific therefore. If the OCA2 gene had been completely destroyed or turned off, human beings would be without melanin in their hair, eyes or skin colour – a condition known as albinism.

Variation in the colour of the eyes from brown to green can all be explained by the amount of melanin in the iris, but blue-eyed individuals only have a small degree of variation in the amount of melanin in their eyes. “From this we can conclude that all blue-eyed individuals are linked to the same ancestor,” says Professor Eiberg. “They have all inherited the same switch at exactly the same spot in their DNA.”

[ScienceBlog.com: All blue-eyed humans have common ancestor]

[Image via pop1280.net]

Hold the DNA! Is the Twins Who Married Story a New Urban Legend?

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 20:17:00 GMT

Remember last Friday when Scanner Bryan brought us the story of the twins who were separated at birth and later married? It was Scanner Bryan, an adoptee's, worst fucking nightmare. Did anyone have a hard time buying the story even though it came from the BBC News, a supposedly reputable news source? Yeah, us neither. How easily fooled we are by media corporations.

Maybe.

Critics are beginning to question the story's credibility, after the subjects refused to reveal their identities (fair enough) and it was used to push the agenda of a conservative activist politician (all to common, yet sketchy):

The Catholic politician -- who discovered the case after talking to a judge -- used it to highlight perceived deficiencies in the government's proposed Human Embryology and Tissues Bill, which is currently going through parliament.

The bill is designed to make it easier for lesbian and gay couples to have children through assisted reproduction, recognising same-sex partners as legal parents of babies conceived through donated sperm, eggs or embryos.

But it contains no provision to require the identity of the donor to be disclosed, potentially meaning a child could not be told they were conceived by assisted reproduction.

Alton raised the case of the married twins -- who were born after IVF treatment -- during a debate on December 10, details of which only appeared on Friday.

"There are implications for everybody involved, but the needs of the child will always be paramount, and it is right that we should therefore make the process as transparent as possible," Alton told the Lords.

Dad always told us, "Don't believe everything you read, no matter where you read it." True dat, Daddy-O.

[Heresy Corner via BoingBoing]

Today in Awkward Moments: Couple Marries, Discovers They're Twins

Bryan Christian — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:36:00 GMT

OK, kids, first person singular: I, Scanner Bryan, am an adoptee. My biological parents were 15 and, er, 19 (I think) -- just a couple kids in a jam who felt that handing off their newborn to another couple would be the best thing for all concerned. That's not a decision that I've ever regretted their making, and frankly, although being adopted can often be the source of great insecurity, social confusion, and even tendancies towards self-destruction, I've quite literally never had any problems with it whatsoever.

Why do I mention this? Because the following scenario, which may just sound gross or crazy or kinky to non-adoptees, is still pretty much my worst fucking nightmare. (PS: Major spoiler ahead if your knowledge of mid-90's indie movies isn't fairly encyclopedic.)

A pair of twins who were adopted by separate families as babies got married without knowing they were brother and sister, a peer told the House of Lords.

A court annulled the British couple's union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord Alton said.

The only way it could be more terrifying: if the woman was older, and, well, I'm sure you know where that one's going. Eye-Gouge City.

Still, call me crazy, but I can't help but think that the saddest part of this story is that the couple -- who so far have retained their anonymity -- are no longer married. There's nothing to indicate that the annulment they were granted was actually sought by them; it could easily have been mandated by the court. And in either case, what are you gonna do: un-have the sex? Un-love the person? Maybe the characters played by Chris Cooper and Elizabeth Peña in John Sayles' Lone Star have the right idea: everybody's dealt a shitty hand, best to go with what you got and make the most of it together.

Or maybe not. I mean, what would I do if I discovered something crazy about my wife's family? (Which, BTW, there doesn't seem to be much chance of happening.) Hell, I just don't know.

What about you?

The One Time Penelope Cruz Biting Another Girl's Lip Could Gross Us Out

Bryan Christian — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 19:23:00 GMT

You know, we were totally digging on the idea of Penelope Cruz being serious hotness in a porno-themed music video, even if it's for her brother. (Hey, it's not like she's making out with him or anything.) And then those jerks at Fleshbot told us that the girl that she's making out with at the 4:20 mark is, in fact, her sister. (Hey, it's not like she's... uh... Grody!) Seriously, we've never gotten the whole "sisters/twins getting it on" thing -- perhaps because, well, we've got sisters -- and believe us, we really really tried with this one. Ah well, maybe y'all are into that sort of thing? Anyone? Really?

"Grey's Anatomy" Star's Incestuous Past Makes Us Glad We Watch "Scrubs"

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 19:00:00 GMT

The word is that Chyler Leigh, who plays Meredith Grey's younger sister in Grey's Anatomy, made out with her brother in the movie Kickboxing Academy. This shit better be a joke, or a mistake, or a conspiracy, because we are not about to live in a world where people in B-movies make out with their brothers and then end up getting a secondary part on a high-rated one-hour comidrama thereby forcing us to hear about how the once did incest for a movie. Because we have a brother, and -- EW!! Just, EW!! Not acceptable. What is happening behind the scenes of Grey's Anatomy that makes it so evil? It's like Adi Da over there. Don't be surprised when the production staff starts running pyramid schemes and Patrick Dempsey changes his name to Da Love-Ananda.