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Pat Smeared: Pray for the Swayz

Colleen Kane — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:23:00 GMT

Not much to say about Patrick Swayze looking so gaunt and ill, other than: Sadness!

Related:

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

Colleen Kane — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:48:00 GMT

Patrick Swayze, who has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, revealed to Barbara Walters in his first post-diagnosis TV interview that he likely has only have two years to live, and five years is "wishful thinking."

And so it's time for everyone to get together like the citizens of Whoville and think good thoughts together for the Swayz. For inspiration, let's recall the many looks of Swayze.

Horse-huggin' hunk

Pensive

Pensive with hay

Laughing times with leopard

So you can see why he appeals to tha layties who grew up in the 80s (and older). He was a walking Tiger Beat page. But dudes should not forget his throat-tearing-out move in Roadhouse and the fact that in real life he is basically trying to walk off his cancer by working without painkillers. Y'all should be so manly.

Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

While You Were Sleeping: The Cancer Scares

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 40-31

Mary-Louise Parker Breaks Toe, Films First Nude Sex Scene For Weeds

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 18:38:00 GMT

Mary Louise-Parker, the coolest and sexiest Mom on earth (if you think we're kidding, you obviously have never read anything she's written or, well, seen her naked), finally gave her fans what they've craved for four seasons of the hit Showtime show Weeds: a very naked sex scene...

And better yet, it's with Mexico's legendary heartthrob Demian Bichir, who everyone was waiting to see take it all off since his first, ten-second cameo early in the season... and we have the link below. (Side note: Although we were rooting for Bichir to become MLP's love interest, we nevertheless miss the lovably awful Matthew Modine character...)

Back in January, Scanner Emily told you about Parker's dangerous sex scene, in which she broke her toe on the first take. Turns out, the producers/editors/director did end up using that first, tragic take... and then just having a full-on field day from there. This link is totally NSFW-- even the animal bleating that opens the clip could be misconstrued by the neighboring cubicle dweller. If you don't want to risk it, here's a screenshot to tide you over:

Here's the full clip, from Egotastic.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Mary Louise Parker's Hazardous Love Scene

Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

Rosie O'Donnell Tops Maxim's Worst Sex Scenes Ever

Kevin Smith Makes A Porno... Or So Thought The MPAA

Who Would You Rather: House vs. McDreamy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:23:00 GMT

Plus the results of our "Who Would You Rather: Julie Newmar vs. Michelle Pfeiffer" Catwoman edition...

The winner... Julie Newmar, with 53% of the vote. (Of course, Eartha Kitt may have played third party spoiler in this case...)

Which is the bigger TV doctor sex symbol? Hugh Laurie, as the title character on Fox's "House, M.D." or Patrick Dempsey as Dr. McSteamy on ABC's "Grey's Anatomy"? Future philosophers will debate this very question over robot-made Red Bull Infused Hot Tea... or whatever they'll be doing in 2009...

Previously:

Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar

Who Would You Rather, Celebrity Chef Edition: Gordon Ramsay vs. Bobby Flay?

Who Would You Rather?: Kanye West vs. Jay Z

Who Would You Rather: Founding Fathers Edition

I Would Gay Marry...Dean Winters

Steve McKay — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:45:00 GMT

You know this guy… The sneaky mastermind in Oz, Tommy’s scrappy brother in Rescue Me, Carrie’s fuck buddy in Sex and the City, hothead detective in Law and Order: Sperm Sample Unit. Sizzle sizzle am I right? Okay, so neither of us are gay…but so what? I would still gay marry him. Here are just a few reasons:

-He looks at home in both a nice “meet-the-parents” suit and in a sweaty “park-day” tank top.

-He’s fucking hilarious in 30 Rock.

-He seems like he could give/take a punch so nobody would mess with us.

-Everyone thinks he’s totally cute and I would be so popular.

-His tattoos are not too stupid. I could live with them.

-My ex-girlfriends would totally take a shit and Dean and I could have a good old Ryan O’Reilly style diabolical chuckle about it over some whiskeys.

-He used to be a bartender and therefore is likely a very good tipper. Total deal-sealer for me.

-He seems to really love Adidas and I’ve been re-buying the same pair of Adidas shelltoes since I was 16.

-He could probably get good tickets to/not mind attending various sporting events.

-He’s always playing guys with REALLY Irish names and my last name is WAY more Irish sounding than his so it would be a perfect career move for him.

-He has a cool family. His brother Scott played his Of-Mice-and-Men-esque on-screen brother in Oz. His other brother is a poet (classy!) and his sister runs a pediatric AIDS unit. Christmas dinner would be a breeze!

-And even if he did want to kiss or something I could just pretend I was making out with any number of the sexually sexy ladies he has “been with” on and off screen. Okay, who am I kidding, I would just get stuck on Tina Fey and then we’d end up boning and it would get weird.

Hunky Jesus 2008: Resurrected for Passion

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 18:37:00 GMT

Here's video from yesterday's Hunky Jesus competition hosted by San Francisco's Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Recycling Jesus, Zombie Jesus, and Michangelo's Jesus, to name a few, came out for the title of Hunky Jesus 2008. Competition was stiff and things got pretty hunky, but the Jesuses hung in it to win it. How foxy did Jesus get? Check the photo after the jump:

We knew that beefcake beats lamb cake any day. Next stop for this foxy Jesus should be one of Ben McPherson's paintings:

Hey shinynewmachine and thinkywritey, Did You Hear About Ryan Reynolds' New Role?

Bryan Christian — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Last time we talked about Ryan Reynolds, we were bemoaning the possibility that somehow one of the "guys" from Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place managed to get himself engaged to Scarlett Johansson. This apparently turned out to be untrue, but our scoffing at Mr. Reynolds' worthiness still caused readers shinynewmachine and thinkywritey to chime in...

shinynewmachine said:
um... have you SEEN that guy from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place? yum.

January 22, 2008 6:26 PM
thinkywritey said:
...or at least this?
http://atomicpop.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/ryan_reynolds_99.jpg
January 23, 2008 11:03 AM

Well, today's comic book movie casting news goes out to you two chimer-inners. Perhaps you'd be interested to know that you can expect to see a presumably-pumped Mr. Reynolds fighting an equally-pumped-and-likely-shirtless Hugh Jackman in 2009's X-Men Origins: Wolverine. (They've been forced to go back to the beginnings of those X-Men characters, you see, since Brett Ratner completely fucked up the group franchise.) Mr. Pizza Place, er, Reynolds will be playing the villain Deadpool, who has similar healing abilities to Wolverine, though with that full body costume, he is decidedly lacking in the sideburn-and-shirtlessness department. No doubt they'll figure out some way around that.

You're welcome, ladies and/or gentlemen. (We're guessing ladies.)

UPDATE: Actually, we're seeing implications that this will be a short, possibly one scene, appearance leading to a spin-off movie of Reynolds/Deadpool's own rather than a full "I will KILL YOU, WOLVERINE!!!" type role. Sorry to get your hopes up!