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New X-Men Movie Sounds Like a Pile of Wolf Sh*t

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:35:00 GMT

A friend sent us a link to the New York Daily News review of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which doesn't say much of anything about the movie besides giving it one star.Hell, it doesn't even take that snoozer of a title to task.

What's notable about the story is what happens in the comments section: a flamewar starts among a whole slew of people who have never even seen the damn movie...

The opening lines pretty cover it-- typical movie critic putdown coupled with proof positive the movie blogs wolf balls:

The signature moment — done four times! — from "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is an overhead shot of Hugh Jackman with his arms and metallic blades outstretched, screaming as the camera pulls away.

It's the perfect response to this slice-and-dice superhero fiasco.

The remainder of the review contains no more hope for X-Men freaks:

We see Wolverine get a motorcycle, have his memory erased and gain his knuckle-knives.

We watch as he loves, loses and lumberjacks. What's never captured is why we should care.

You would think the fans would ignore this or at least say, "Well, that doesn't sound promising, but I'll reserve judgment until I actually watch this film." No such luck for Joe Neumaier, who receives a drubbing worse than Hugh Jackman's acting chops:

Aw this hack writer just wants to be the first one to have the negative review out there. Who needs reviewers? I go see what I want to see, I can honestly say I have NEVER let a critics opinion sway me seeing a film. It's art so the beauty is in the eye of teh beholder, not the critic.

Critics are lame and they don't actually do anything. They just make their living talking about what someone else does... a parasite of sorts. Make a career change baldy and do something real! "The credit in life goes not to the critic who stands on the sideline and points out where the strong stumble. But rather, the real credit in life goes to the person who's actually in the arena." Theodore Roosevelt

His Mother probably ripped up all his old comics... let's see what he says about, "Earth" from Disney, probably rave reviews and he'll use the free tickets he gets to take the family to Disney World.

Mr. Movie Critic, sir. Please tell us why on earth should we listen to your opinion? Is it because you have spent years studying the finer points of film and are the closest thing to an expert there is? Why don't you share some of your top movie picks so that the rest of us can trash them? Why do movie critics even exist. In these stressful economic times, that is one thing we could defnitely live without.

To the lame critic all I have to say is...Shrrrrirnggggg!! True fans and fans who don't give 2 s**ts about this cornball's review know exactly what this sound means and where we'll be on Friday.

Critic=Mutant Hater.

THis is about the only review that had something ad to say about this movie. I know sooo many people that have seen the bootleg and still plan to go watch it on the big screen. Ive had the dvd in my player for a week, but i wont watch it. Ive been waiting for this movie for soo long. This reviewer sure doesnt know what he's talking about.

Remember, no one here claims to have seen the finished cut of the film (the download doesn't count, since it's an incomplete version.) Wonder what they'll think when the movie comes out and breaks their iron little hearts...

Via the NY Daily News.

This Week in Online Dating

The Dangers of the Snuggie

Top 10 TV Nipple Slips and Wardrobe Malfunctions

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 18:59:00 GMT

You know, because Janet Jackson wasn't the first one to lose her outfit live on national television...

It's difficult to imagine, we know, but even game shows in the 60s and 70s were famous for nipple slips. Luckily, YouTube, Google Video and other online sources have managed to salvage some of the most memorable moments. They're all pretty much two seconds long, but this will make you a better future Trivial Pursuit contestant... since you know that's all that we're going to talk about in 20 years, the way our Idiocracy is going.

Here are ten in no particular order...

Ron Jeremy's High School Play Video Leaked!

Tara Reid Wishes She Was Actually Listening To What The Little People Were Yelling About

Jennifer Hawkins (the 2004 Miss Universe) Returns to Australia to Moon Her Hometown

The Match Game (okay, this is more of a "nipple slip" of the tongue, but hey... break it up a bit, ya know)

Eva Mendes Was Really Asking For It This Time

N Is For Nipples - TV Show Host Flashes Kids

Haven't Seen This Janet Jackson Nip Slip Before... Is It New?

They Let the Wrestlers Beat Up the Refs, But An Ass And Nipple Slip Is An Ejection?!

As Bob Barker Says, "She came on down and they came on out!" [sfw]

And finally, Meredith Viera pulls a Justin Timberlake on Helen Mirren:

Related:

Top 5 "The Price Is Right" Clips

Beyonce Stuns Lone Oscar Viewer With Nipple Slip

Nipplegate II: The Russian Skater Shocker

Mischa Barton Can't Keep Her Clothes On

Caption This: Agyness Deyn And Her Friend's See-Through

Hugh Jackman's Unsettling Lap Dance for Barbara Wawa

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:12:00 GMT

Before Sunday, Hugh Jackman was that actor who plays that comic book superhero with the lambchop sideburns who comic book nerds get their tighty whiteys in a twist over. On Sunday evening, Hugh Jackman became that guy hosting the Oscars who annoyed me every time I clicked over from LOLing at videos of people falling down and getting hit in the gonads on Outrageous Moments.

And now, Hugh Jackman is the guy making me uncomft as he does a lap dance for Barbara Walters, which culminates in an awkward hug.

Related:

Hush That Noise! Hugh Jackman is Not the Sexiest Man Alive

While You Were Sleeping: Hugh Jackman and Cleopatra

Beyonce Stuns Lone Oscar Viewer With Nipple Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 15:39:00 GMT

You know what would have made this ten-years-too-late "tribute to the musical" dance sequence, which Beyonce apparently lip-synched her way through? A nipple slip.

In fact, we would've gone in for any nipple slip, wardrobe malfunction, or giant crotch bulge-- even Mickey Rourke's-- if it had guaranteed the show was worth three-and-a-half hours of our time. It turns out, there was a nipple slip, although every single person in the world missed it... except for one photographer...

Click on the photo for a new tab/window with the full-size picture.

Ah... we were wondering why Hugh Jackman seemed so aroused during the dance... we had wrongly assumed it was because musicals are so sexy.

Via unknown photographer.

Related:

Brazilian Carnival Outdoing Itself Almost Daily With Risque Nudity

Mr. Skin's 2009 Naked Oscar Nominees, Free & Uncensored

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

New Female Railway Uniforms Are A Tid Bit Nipply

While You Were Sleeping: Hugh Jackman and Cleopatra

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

If you're going to the inaugural, here's the schedule of public events.

Perhaps young men will soon benefit from the genital wart vaccine.

Hopefully, you avoided the Kathy Griffin train wreck on New Year's Eve... although, if you did, you missed this unforgettable insult:

The year in LOLCats.

The appointment of Roland Burris could create such a legal spectacle and clusterfuck that Democrats will have no choice but to stand down on the issue.

Heart attacks are down in Colorado, thanks to a recent smoking ban. On the downside, New Year's Eve in Aspen was ruined when a series of homemade bombs had to be detonated.

Heard about the four guys who gang raped a lesbian? Thankfully, they've been caught. (Here's hoping they get an eye-for-an-eye in prison.)

The Girl With the One Track Mind, the world's most famous sex blogger, celebrated the five-year anniversary of her site.

Hugh Jackman appears to be dropping out of the bizarre Catherine Zeta-Jones-led Cleopatra movie.

And Taylor Swift, whose album has been #1 for three weeks, passed the 2 million mark after seven weeks of sales.

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

And the Role of Oscar Host Goes to...

Scanner Matt — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 22:02:00 GMT

Letterman, Goldberg, Crystal, Martin, Rock, DeGeneres, Stewart and now this guy?

Did anyone see this coming?

AP reports:

Hugh Jackman will host the 81st annual Oscars, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed Friday.

Really?

Telecast producers Laurence Mark and Bill Condon called the Australian actor "a consummate entertainer and an internationally renowned ."

Though he has never even been nominated for an Academy Award.

...but was nominated for a Golden Globe for his role in 2001's romantic film "Kate & Leopold." His other movie credits include 2006's "The Prestige" and 2004's "Van Helsing." Jackman also served as a past presenter on the Oscar show.

We're split on this one. Worst idea ever or have the Oscars taken a turn for the... better?

We miss Stewart already.

Related:

Award Season Kicked into Gear, Critics Choose

Golden Globe Nominations Even Worse Than We Expected

Hot or Not: Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler

Sloppy Seconds: Joe The Plumber's New Homeland Security Gig

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:52:00 GMT

We can't think of anything more unAmurrrican than George W. Bush pardoning an eagle killer. Okay, we can, but still... [Gawker]

Hugh Jackman's wife was totally cool with him kissing Nicole Kidman. [Us]

Who was totally not cool on David Letterman last night. [Jezebel]

Stephanie from Full House's baby daddy (who is not from Full House but from the real world but that that Real World) has made an emotional plea for Stephanie, er Jodie Sweetin, to bring back the couple's 7-month-old daughter. Sweetin and Cody Herpin split recently, and Jodie took the kid. [Radar]

Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital after an adverse reaction to "medication." [Yahoo!]

As Wonkette so smartly stated, "Joe the Plumber's life officially becomes off-putting David Lynch film." Joe, er Samuel Wurzelbacher, is apparently now doing tacky commercials for some cheap electronics company. And it's really sad. But, hey, at least he has a job, right? A job protecting the public safety of the united states during the digital TV transition. For real. [Wonkette]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Because We Have Nothing Better To Do on a Friday Night

Emily Farris — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:42:00 GMT

Yet again, we find ourselves grateful that the worst thing our mom ever did to us was show her boobs at our book party. Twice.

Highs:

We watched some sexy movies.

And discovered the greatest. move. ever.

We know what we're most thankful for this year. Mmmhmm.

We crushed a little on Borat's brother.

Could Barack and Michelle Obama be any fucking cuter? Ugh, probably.

OMG! Ashley Alexandra Dupre finally talked!

So did Pete Wentz. About those penis pictures.

We absolutely agreed with GQ's choice of Man of the Year.

Lows:

Yet again, we found ourselves grateful that our mom only showed her boobs (albeit twice) at our book party.

We got a glimpse of what life will be like in our new city.

If it wasn't Kansas City, it was going to be in Oregon.

We have officially reached the point where we'd rather eat (or fuck) a taco than fuck an actual man.

Apparently, girls really do have cooties.

Miley Cyrus. Just her. In general.

We continue to wonder why our cushion hasn't gotten us more pushin'.

We contested People's choice of sexiest man alive.

Hush That Noise! Hugh Jackman is Not the Sexiest Man Alive

Emily Farris — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 17:02:00 GMT

People has named Hugh Jackman the Sexiest Man Alive in 2008. While we cannot deny that Jackman is very sexy and is alive, we absolutely cannot sit idly by while People spews these lies to the public.

So who do we think is the sexiest man alive? Like there was ever any question (and no, it's not Barack Obama or Robert Downey Jr, though they, too are sexy and alive).

Oh, god. Make it stop! Make it stop!

Does anyone disagree with us? If so, we challenge you to a brawl!

[Today: G’day! Hugh Jackman is new Sexiest Man Alive]

Sloppy Seconds: Are Ryan Gosling and Scanner Emily Wishing Underneath the Same Big Star?

While You Were Sleeping: Somebody Had Her Hands All Over Our Man Ryan Gosling

While You Were Sleeping: The Sexy Mrs. Freddy Kreuger

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:16:00 GMT

We can picture it: a Cleopatra movie starring Catherine Zeta-Jones as the title character and Hugh Jackman as Marc Antony. But a musical? And directed by Steven Soderbergh?

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClelan endorsed Obama on D.L. Hughley's new show. John McCain really needs a high profile endorsement soon-- really, he needs just about anything and everything soon to turn this thing around. Some observers think McCain could be down to funds of only one million dollars a day... you don't even want to know how that compares to Obama's staggering total.

Although we suspect it to be an exaggeration, this is nonetheless the most shocking HIV scare story we can recall...

Students at a suburban St. Louis high school headed to the gymnasium for HIV testing this week after an infected person told health officials as many as 50 teenagers might have been exposed to the virus that causes AIDS.
Officials refused to give details on who the person was or how the students at Normandy High School might have been exposed...
A teacher in a neighboring district singled out a girl who dates someone at Normandy High and instructed her to get tested, Hochstedler said. A competing school's football team initially balked at playing Normandy's 8-0 team.
Jasmine Lane, a 16-year-old sophomore, said her boyfriend from a neighboring high school broke up with her on learning of the news -- after she bought them tickets to homecoming.
"I cried so hard," she said.

There's nothing positive about this story whatsoever. It has the potential to be an explosive, ongoing saga... we'll keep you posted. (Jasmine, we'll totally fly to St. Louis to go to the homecoming with you.)

Yet another downer: a woman was sentenced to forty years in prison. Her crime? Lighting her boyfriend on fire. His? Not beating up the guy who was checking her out.

Anne Hathaway's ex was sentenced yesterday...

A dashing Italian conman who went out with Hollywood actress Anne Hathaway was sentenced by a court in New York on Thursday to four and a half years in prison for fraud. [Yahoo!]

Note to crackheads: it's easy to get busted for faking crack prescriptions... since there's no such thing as a crack prescription.

And this Halloween costume is pretty stupid. Although, we have to admit, Freddy Kreuger has great taste in women.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Which Power Ranger Is Guilty of Murder?

Who Would You Rather: The Anne Hathaway...

Alain Baxter's Nude Calendar Artier Than We Expected

Today in F*ck Yeah: Pacman Halloween Costumes

Because It Isn't Halloween Until a Dog Is Wearing a Tiara

Who Will Play Playboy Hugh Hefner in the Story of His Life?

Emily Farris — Wed, 28 May 2008 15:37:00 GMT

Playboy Hugh Hefner already has a special someone in mind to play him in a new bio-pic.

So who's the lucky man?

Robert Downey Jr.

We don't really see the resemblance (we think Downey is much better looking, and not just because he's younger) but it could be a pretty fun role and he's an amazing actor who could play just about anyone. Downey hasn't officially accepted the part yet, and until he does our heads will continue to spin with other possibilities.

[UPI: Downey may play Hefner in new film]

Hey shinynewmachine and thinkywritey, Did You Hear About Ryan Reynolds' New Role?

Bryan Christian — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Last time we talked about Ryan Reynolds, we were bemoaning the possibility that somehow one of the "guys" from Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place managed to get himself engaged to Scarlett Johansson. This apparently turned out to be untrue, but our scoffing at Mr. Reynolds' worthiness still caused readers shinynewmachine and thinkywritey to chime in...

shinynewmachine said:
um... have you SEEN that guy from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place? yum.

January 22, 2008 6:26 PM
thinkywritey said:
...or at least this?
http://atomicpop.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/ryan_reynolds_99.jpg
January 23, 2008 11:03 AM

Well, today's comic book movie casting news goes out to you two chimer-inners. Perhaps you'd be interested to know that you can expect to see a presumably-pumped Mr. Reynolds fighting an equally-pumped-and-likely-shirtless Hugh Jackman in 2009's X-Men Origins: Wolverine. (They've been forced to go back to the beginnings of those X-Men characters, you see, since Brett Ratner completely fucked up the group franchise.) Mr. Pizza Place, er, Reynolds will be playing the villain Deadpool, who has similar healing abilities to Wolverine, though with that full body costume, he is decidedly lacking in the sideburn-and-shirtlessness department. No doubt they'll figure out some way around that.

You're welcome, ladies and/or gentlemen. (We're guessing ladies.)

UPDATE: Actually, we're seeing implications that this will be a short, possibly one scene, appearance leading to a spin-off movie of Reynolds/Deadpool's own rather than a full "I will KILL YOU, WOLVERINE!!!" type role. Sorry to get your hopes up!