Scanner : horror movies

PG Porn Wishes You A Bloody Christmas

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:06:00 GMT

James Gunn is back with another "love it or want to have its creator whacked" episode of PG Porn, last fall's hottest viral video.

As before, there's no graphic sex, but that doesn't mean it isn't titillating...

Here's the video-- but tread carefully. Not only is this NSFW despite the "PG" label, it's gross in every imaginable way-- from a barf-covered drunken mama to an eyeball hanging out of its socket, and buckets of blood in between (starting after the 2 minute mark-- so enjoy until then.)

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Fark's Scary Stories Thread Gave Us An Idea

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:41:00 GMT

Over on FARK.com, there's a hilarious and often spooky thread of stories and comments about ghosts, demons, and other totally real elements of our lives.

Each of these stories alone would be sufficient for tonight's campfire, but we thought maybe some of you have your own...

First, something for those who don't have their own stories:

The other night I was home alone except for my mini schnauzer Max. I was doing some cleaning in the living room and turned to see Max in front of the cupboards in the kitchen sitting and shaking like something had just hurt him or scared the bejesus out of him. I picked him up and he tried to climb up over me. I brought him into the bedroom and set him on the bed. He ran to the head of the bed and hid behind the pillows,still shaking. This went on for about 20 minutes. Nothing I could do would stop his shaking. He would not go back in the living room the rest of the night. Was it a ghost that scared him? Who knows. - by Trixie Belden
...Jason has lived in the same house since he was little, he and his wife bought it from his mother when they got married. Long history of issues with the house, they even had a preacher come in and bless it. Since the two of them have moved in, there have been a few weird things, but nothing major.

So a few weeks ago we went down there to see them, and spent the night. After it got late and everyone else was in bed, I wanted my PJs, so I went outside to get them from the car. Walking across the deck, I felt something push me from behind, and I fell down the steps. They have a huge boxer who's really bad about jumping, so I thought it was him.

Then I looked up and saw this bright white light, a circle. I thought I'd hit my head or something. so I stood up, and it was still there, about head high, sort of pulsating. I turned around to go back to the house, then I turned back, still there. like it was watching me. Finally I said "I'm sorry if you're mad, but this isn't your house anymore. the people who live here are really nice and will take care of it, but you need to leave." and it got brighter for a second, then slowly faded away.
There were no lights on, nobody lives near there, no headlights, etc. it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. I kind of feel bad now, because I'm not sure that what pushed me and the light were the same thing. I wasn't afraid of the light at all.

The next morning the hub and I got up, and he took me to the doctor. Broken wrist. When I explained to him what happened, and later when I explained it to my friends who own the house, turns out at some point, all of them had seen the light I described. My husband and the other guy had seen it in the house when they were teenagers, and the wife had seen it in the back field, a couple of weeks earlier. -by meg12279

Do you have your own ghost/horror/scary story? And by scary, we don't mean your credit card bill... Halloween-themed, please...

Via Fark. Pic via.

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Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:06:00 GMT

Kevin Smith is opening his new movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno today. On Halloween.

If you think about it, this is risking total commercial suicide: the built-in audience for Smith's movies would rather watch a horror movie tonight than anything else, making it harder for the movie to have a strong opening weekend. Nonetheless, if they only knew how much better his movie sounds than the tiresome Saw sequel Hollywood pumped out...

College Times has an interesting interview with the writer-director, one in which he doesn't come off as a total dick. So, that's something.

Here it is, complete with his thoughts on Traci Lords, shooting a nude sex scene for the first time in his career, and everything in between...

College Times: What inspired you to do a story about best friends falling for each other because that’s something you’ve never done before?
Kevin Smith: I know, generally most of the stuff I do is like, two dudes who pine for each other but never fuck. All that time in the trenches doing stories about dudes in love definitely informed this script. But I’m afraid that, maybe on the page, it read like more of the same... [see full answer in the interview, linked below]

What was it like working with Traci Lords?
Working with Traci Lords was great. One thing that maybe most people don’t realize about her is she hasn’t made a porn film in 20 years. She worked in porn from the time she was 16 until almost 18. When she got out of porn she started studying acting in a really serious way. I felt so bad, because “Okay, I know you’re a real actress, but in this scene, you’re gonna pretend to blow bubbles out of your vagina.” I felt like I gave her very little to do so I’m kind of hoping to use her in the next film.

In your movies, your characters are known for talking about sex – in this one they actually get to have it. Were you nervous, as a director, about shooting your first sex scene?
I was. You know, it’s off-putting to shoot nudity. I did it once in “Mallrats” very briefly with Joey Adams and I hated it and swore it off. It’s just uncomfortable to ask someone to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself. The scene I was sweating the most was between Seth and Elizabeth because that’s the scene where two people lay down to fuck and wind up making love. I was trying to figure out a way to shoot it where it’s not an episode of “Red Shoe Diaries.” So I told them that morning that I’m going to play it all on your faces so you’re going to be fully clad with no nudity. I thought they’d be like, “Oh thank you thank you thank you,” but immediately they were both outraged. She was just like “Why the fuck did I work out for two months if you’re not going to show my body.” And Rogen was like, “Why the fuck did I shave my back?” Then the relief sank in.

Read the rest of this interview here, via College Times. The above photo and a review of the film is here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Halloween Edition

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

(Un-)happy Halloween, everyone: a woman's memories of life with her serial killer Dad.

A disturbing mugshot is the capper for a drama teacher's teaching career, which follows her arrest for having sex with three teenage boys.

A woman's dying wish was to vote for Barack Obama. Luckily, she cast her ballot (hopefully it'll be counted, goddamn it) and within the hour, she passed away.

Check out this creepy interview with Joe Francis, in which he claims Lindsay Lohan isn't a lesbian... even though she's a lesbian.

All kidding aside, this is truly horrible: Jennifer Hudson's nephew is believed to have shot dead in the SUV his body was found in.

A man was arrested for refusing to pay extra after a friend ate off his buffet plate. He was hauled off to jail kicking and screaming. (Okay, maybe not, but we wanted to keep the Halloween theme going.)

Another reason to vote Obama: we need Supreme Court Justices who understand the First Amendment. For God's sake, these nutjobs won't even allow swear words in their courtrooms during a case involving our First Amendment right to use swear words. The idea of McCain bringing in two or more folks just these is... truly scary.

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Fan Artwork For The Shining Almost As Cool As The Movie

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 14:46:00 GMT

The Shining: it's one of the best horror movies of all time (we're speaking about the Kubrick version, of course, and not the Stephen King-led miniseries adaptation which we will hopefully forget about one day.) There are even reportedly rad parties at the original hotel where the movie was filmed. But we haven't been able to get behind the fan art community that has sprung up in recent years.

Until now, with these beyond-awesome prints and paintings that somehow make the film even cooler...

Here are our favorites:

By the way, the above piece of art is Mixed Media on Wood, which, of course, makes it seem much cooler than if it was just some InDesign printout. It, as well as the other three seen above, are bargains at $150-200 on this website.

Seriously, if you like these, you should check out the rest.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Sexy Mrs. Freddy Kreuger

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:16:00 GMT

We can picture it: a Cleopatra movie starring Catherine Zeta-Jones as the title character and Hugh Jackman as Marc Antony. But a musical? And directed by Steven Soderbergh?

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClelan endorsed Obama on D.L. Hughley's new show. John McCain really needs a high profile endorsement soon-- really, he needs just about anything and everything soon to turn this thing around. Some observers think McCain could be down to funds of only one million dollars a day... you don't even want to know how that compares to Obama's staggering total.

Although we suspect it to be an exaggeration, this is nonetheless the most shocking HIV scare story we can recall...

Students at a suburban St. Louis high school headed to the gymnasium for HIV testing this week after an infected person told health officials as many as 50 teenagers might have been exposed to the virus that causes AIDS.
Officials refused to give details on who the person was or how the students at Normandy High School might have been exposed...
A teacher in a neighboring district singled out a girl who dates someone at Normandy High and instructed her to get tested, Hochstedler said. A competing school's football team initially balked at playing Normandy's 8-0 team.
Jasmine Lane, a 16-year-old sophomore, said her boyfriend from a neighboring high school broke up with her on learning of the news -- after she bought them tickets to homecoming.
"I cried so hard," she said.

There's nothing positive about this story whatsoever. It has the potential to be an explosive, ongoing saga... we'll keep you posted. (Jasmine, we'll totally fly to St. Louis to go to the homecoming with you.)

Yet another downer: a woman was sentenced to forty years in prison. Her crime? Lighting her boyfriend on fire. His? Not beating up the guy who was checking her out.

Anne Hathaway's ex was sentenced yesterday...

A dashing Italian conman who went out with Hollywood actress Anne Hathaway was sentenced by a court in New York on Thursday to four and a half years in prison for fraud. [Yahoo!]

Note to crackheads: it's easy to get busted for faking crack prescriptions... since there's no such thing as a crack prescription.

And this Halloween costume is pretty stupid. Although, we have to admit, Freddy Kreuger has great taste in women.

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MyZombiePinup: Get Ready For Halloween '09

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 15:16:00 GMT

Halloween is Scanner's favorite day of the year (and that includes our own birthdays.) Anything that involves 10/31 gets our attention... especially if it involves scantily-clad ~~humans~~ zombies cavorting for a raunchy wall calendar.

Of course, where there's zombies, blood, corpses, and carnage can't be too far behind...

My Zombie Pinup (tagline "where beauty meets brains") has unleashed its 2009 Calendar on an unsuspecting public, just in time to cash in on All Hallow's Eve. The 13-month calendar features "vintage" style shots of models cavorting around San Francisco's Golden Gate Park, all covered in blood, wounds, and pieces of their victims.

Warning: if that doesn't sound like something you'd enjoy on a Monday morning at work or if you are of the opinion that girls covered in blood is degrading, you might not want to...

...scroll down...

The calendar is available here for about $15.

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:04:00 GMT

If we've learned anything from Hollywood, it's that 30 seconds of sex is enough for people to endure two hours of terrible moviemaking. (Then again, as in the case of The Girl Next Door, if you promise an "unrated" sex movie and deliver no nudity, barely any sex, and two hours of complete crap? You will pay.)

Here are five of our favorites we haven't been able to forget... all from movies we wish we could...

5. Basic Instinct 2. This sex scene is not even in the Top 200 of Good Sex Scenes From Bad Movies, mainly because it's not a good sex scene. It looks like the film was sped up to make it look rougher, faster, and hotter. It only serves to make it look even more idiotic. We're including it here for comic relief. (The clip we're referring to starts at about 1:20.)

4. Friday the 13th. The original put all my friends to sleep at a late-night slumber party when we were kids-- it's that scary. Rent Black Christmas (the original) or even Halloween (also the original) and you'll do much better. But we like this nice little sex scene all the same...

[Click here to watch this scene-- video on autoplay]

3. Reindeer Games. Even Charlize Theron admits this movie sucks. But who doesn't want to see her naked?

2. The Doors. No matter what you think of Oliver Stone and Jim Morrison, you have to admit combining the two should be brilliant... or, at least, the right pairing for a movie. Too bad Stone focused on nothing but the debauchery and made a pointless movie that offered nothing new or interesting about the late singer. That doesn't mean we don't love this ridiculous and ultimately sexy sex scene:

[Click here to watch this scene-- video on autoplay]

1. Original Sin. If not for this "action" sequence, no one would remember Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas' theatrical turd. This is the longest scene on this list and the one most likely to have ended up on Skinemax if not for the presence of A-list stars... it's more than 2 minutes long, complete with an obnoxious orchestral score, and is about as soft-core as it gets. Enjoy.

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Sloppy Seconds: Which "Baby Mama" Star is Knocked-Up For Real?

Emily Farris — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:25:00 GMT

We were super close to buying a car, a total mom car at that, but if gas prices are really going to reach $10 a gallon, we're pretty happy to ride our bike to New Hampshire and back this summer. [NY Sun]

We haven't heard from Ashley Alexandra Dupre in a while, maybe because she's been busy suing Joe "Boobies" Francis. You go girl! [People]

Someone put together a collection of hot women from horror movies. [Hammer of Hotness]

Despite what you may have heard, Hillary Duff won't be joining the cast of the new 90210. Or so she says. [Us Weekly]

Amy Poehler and husband Will Arnett are expecting their first baby in the fall. [FameCrawler]

[Image]

Necrophiliacs Rejoice! We've Dug Up the Hottest Dead Person in a Horror Movie

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 17:00:00 GMT

If the Aqua Net you used for your Amy Winehouse costume didn't kill too many brain cells last night, you may remember yesterday's contest to figure out the hottest horror movie victim. The people (that's you!) have spoken, the results have been tallied, and we have a winner. Beyondthewoods, come on down and claim your prize: Rose McGowan, that freaky goth nutjob, is the hottest dead girl in horror. No, not for having sex with Marilyn Manson, for playing Tatum Riley in Scream.

That Rose is the hottest horror movie victim seems appropriate considering her real life can get pretty terrifying. First there was the transparent dress at the 1998 VMAs, where she was, that's right, escorted by her then boyfriend Marilyn Manson. Then the being booted from the Speedracer movie because terrible plastic surgery had rendered her unrecognizable to fans. This stuff is scarier than a chainsaw-wielding clown, and it's REAL.

But Beyondthewoods is right, Rose as Tatum Riley works. She lends some darkness to Neve Campbell's and Courtney Cox's light, and some blonde to their brunette. Pop horror is a good genre for her; she can show off her spooky side without needing any real blood-drinking, Satan-worshipping authenticity. Plus her death-by-garage door had us avoiding alleys and driveways for months. All right, Beyondthewoods, provided you're not Scanner Nicole's mother using an alias, go ahead and email us with your address and we'll send you a highly coveted prize.

Halloween Contest: Horror Movie Victims You'd Like to F*ck

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 18:40:00 GMT

We've always loved horror movies. Gross, suspenseful, terrifying, or hokey, we watch with muscles tensed and our hands over our eyes. But if there's anything we love more in a movie than horror and gore, it's hot people dying. Sometimes we get so lusty for an attractive victim, we forget to be scared of the movie. People are screaming, blood is spurting, and we’re wondering what it feels like to kiss Johnny Depp on the mouth. So we're going to get a contest going over here. Who is the hottest person to be strangled, shot, bludgeoned, pushed out of a window -- oh, you get the idea -- in a horror movie? The winner will become the proud owner of some sort of sex toy, love manual, or T-shirt, depending on what we can scrounge up at the offices underneath all the jack-o-lanterns and condoms.

Go on. Take a stab at it.