Scanner : headlines

Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

[Image]

Did Someone at CNN Put Crack in His Wheaties or: Is CNN Turning into Scanner?

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 19:18:00 GMT

One of these headlines is not like the other:

The video is just as hilarious.

Related:

CNN Says "Free Sarah Palin!"

Today In Embarrassing Headlines: CNN's "Run, Drink, Vomit"

Sloppy Seconds: What Amy Adams Does in Private

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:43:00 GMT

Do you believe that NBC paid crazy baby lady ~~Angelina Jolie~~ Nadya Suleman nothing for her sit down with Ann Curry? [Jossip]

Our favorite headline of the day: 'Nude biker leads trooper on chase in bad weather.' [AP]

Boo: a brewery in Brooklyn has been ordered to stop making its Obama ale. That's too bad. We've had it and it's good. [The Brooklyn Paper]

After seemingly racist photos of her surfaced, Miley Cyrus is being sued for $4 million "on behalf of all "Asian Pacific Islanders living in Los Angeles County." Good luck with that Lucie Kim. [FadedYouth]

Ah! Will U2 just go away for, like, a little while? They're playing for an entire week on David Letterman to promote their upcoming album. [Yahoo!]

Apparently Amy Adams, girl of Scanner Brain's dreams, is actually a bad girl, telling BlackBook magazine, "I misbehave. I just do it in private." We imagine this only means he loves her more now. [People]

With Headlines Like These Who Needs Stories?

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:19:00 GMT

If it happened in a Kansas Walmart, you know it has to be good...

Man Arrested For Masturbating In Shawnee Walmart Toy Aisle

The complete story:

SHAWNEE, KAN. - A man was arrested Thursday night after witnesses said he masturbated in the toy aisles at a Shawnee Walmart.

Lt. Bill Hisle with Shawnee Police said employees saw the man in the store on W 65th Street and he was taken into custody.

Did we really even need to bother with those two wee sentences?

Wait! There's more!

Lawrence Man Arrested For Animal Cruelty, Sodomy

Find that story here.

[Fox4 via Plog]

Related:

Top 10 Funniest Slang Terms For Masturbation

From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

The Top 10 Songs About Masturbation

Oh Crap, We're Halfway Through National Masturbation Month and We Forgot to Masturbate

Masturbation: "It's totally safe unless you're inserting food objects into yourself."

Today In Embarrassing Headlines: CNN's "Run, Drink, Vomit"

Today In Headlines We Werent Expecting

Today in Great Headlines: "Great tits cope well with warming"

Today In Headlines We Werent Expecting

Ina Maier — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:37:00 GMT

It would appear that someone at the illustrious publication that is the New York Post has their panties in a bit of a bunch...But what exactly have our Gallic friends across the pond done this time?

The author, Maureen Callahan, seems to be frustrated by the apparent American idolatry of French women. She writes:

Just who decided French women are better than we are? The French? When did American women buy into this? Who says French women are more stylish, more cultured, have more and better sex, and can smoke and drink and eat whatever they want without suffering bad skin or contracting lung cancer or - worst of all - getting fat?

A little jealousy is, we suppose, justified, but as the friendly co-worker who sent this to us noted: "The all caps makes it so much angrier!"

The Post is also known for their "punny" (if we may use the word so liberally) headlines, but we read the whole article waiting for the "suck it" play-on-words to emerge...but, well, it never did.

So, what do you think? Justified? Ou non?

[via]

Nude Photo Book Just Made Famous French Actress A Lot More Famous

Sacré Blue! Our Favorite Nudie Auction Totally Pissed Off Le French!

Total F*cking Hottie to Become French First Lady

This Week In Gayness: Two Major Male Movie Stars Make Out

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 22:01:00 GMT

As we've already mentioned, Boy George was sentenced to 15 months in prison for having sex with a male escort.

Strangest headline of the week: 'No son, your school can't have that new computer because gay people eat soup'

Stan Lee supports the gays... once more.

Speaking of comic books, was Tintin gay?

The above photo is of Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey about to kiss in-- believe it or not-- the true story of two men who fall in love in prison.

"I Love You, Phillip Morris" is not the only gay-themed movie sweeping Sundance. Next up is "Humpday," a movie about a "bromance" that turns into gay porn, and which has already been sold.

The Reverend Al Sharpton lambasted the Mormon church for supporting California's Proposition 8.

And Dan Savage is going after Rick Warren in the same manner he did with Rick Santorum. Anyone up for some saddleback tonight?

Related:

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

First Gay Mayor in the U.S. Already Embroiled in Major Sex Scandal

Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

First Gay Love Scene of Daytime Television or As the World Turns... Gay

While You Were Sleeping: Pete Wentz Exposes... His Past

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:45:00 GMT

Celebrity Headline of the AM: "What can't Ashton do?" Nope, we didn't read the story.

Non-Celebrity Headline of the Day: New Zealand Airline seeks bald men to use as walking billboards

The Daily Mail has discovered the best way to make someone fall in love with you: take them on a rollercoaster rid e.

Usher is going to have another baby! Well, Tameka Foster is, but who wants to read about her, right? Usher's having a baby...!

Pete Wentz (AND HIS LARGE PENIS) are fessing up about all the drugs (penis!) and alcohol.

Natasha Bedingfield is engaged. Believe it or not, this was a top story on every news site this morning.

And is it a sign that mainstream will start to go independent instead of the other way around? Sonic Youth confirms they are signing with Matador Records.

Related:

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Are You One Of The Sexy People?

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Longoria's Lingerie Past

Today in Great Headlines: "Great tits cope well with warming"

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 May 2008 19:36:00 GMT

The Great Tit, Parus major, is a passerine bird in the tit family Paridae. It is a widespread and common species throughout Europe and Asia in any sort of woodland. It is resident, and most Great Tits do not migrate. [Wikipedia]

Who knew?

You know Richard Black at the BBC wrote about these birds just so he could write that headline. And for that, he is our hero of the day.

[BBC: Great tits cope well with warming]

(Thanks, Joe!)

Papal Visit Gets Its First Great Sex Abuse Joke

Bryan Christian — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Weirdly, Wonkette didn't actually make it; they just caught it.

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:41:00 GMT

One of these three headlines is fake, the other two appeared on CNN.com on Monday:

A) For this couple, 10th marriage is the charm
B) KKK vendor fights to sell his racist goods
C) Law to make tongue kissing minors a sex offense

They all should be fake, but only one is...

"A) For this couple, 10th marriage is the charm" is fake. The other two did appear verbatim on CNN.com on Monday, March 10.

That's the premise of new news quiz website Rare Dolphin, updated with unfortunately true CNN headlines daily. It's a little like NPR's "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" news quiz, but more fun for news geeks because we all get to play.

[Rare Dolphin]

Caption This: Tomorrow's NY Post Headline

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 21:28:00 GMT

What do you think the clever folks at the New York Post will come up with for tomorrow's front-page headline?

In the News: Lion King Sex, Political Sex, Middle-School Sex

sarahhepola — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 13:08:00 GMT

Can you feel the love tonight (in my pants)? The Guardian gives us the news that matters: Is there an explicit sex scene in The Lion King?

Actual, substantive blogging discussion? Shudder. The lady bloggers over at Slate are getting whipped up over the issue of birth control for middle-schoolers. I know the statistics show that offering birth control to teenagers doesn’t increase sexual activity. But so many people—parents, educators, volunteers—are working hard to help girls create build self-esteem and create the positive self-images that encourage them to say no to sex.

Dear Valued Parent, try Slimfast. UK parents to be sent a warning letter if their child is obese. Ministers are bracing themselves for charges that they will stigmatise fat children when they publish proposals next month to tackle rising levels of obesity.

Revenge is a dish best served sexy. The reports that Matt Drudge and Hillary Clinton are somehow in bed together have us thinking that Matt Drudge and Hillary Clinton are actually, literally, in bed together.

In the News: "Sarkozys Split" to Become Hot New Indie Rock Band

sarahhepola — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 12:54:00 GMT

How do you like them freedom fries? French president Nicolas Sarkozy splits with his wife Cecilia, pronounces “the” like “zee,” also seems full of anguish and regret.

A comeback we can get behind: The Rubik’s Cube has new generation of fans, who will now play with it for years until discovering they can just rearrange the stickers.

Nice detective work, Thai police: Pedophilia suspect arrested in Thailand."Bingo! We've got him," police Maj. Gen. Wimol Powintara told The Associated Press.

Worst fucking news of the week: Short people have a chip on their shoulder which makes them unhealthy. But also, we have a parrot on our shoulder.

In the News: Crushing on Al Gore, Bad News for Chlamydia Lovers

sarahhepola — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 13:14:00 GMT

Al Gore wins Nobel Peace Prize. Al Gore is so totally laid right now.

Chlamydia can make men infertile. Please, kids. Use a condom with Al Gore.

Ohhh, we get it now. That Vatican official was only pretending to be gay.

Credit card debt? You may be Lindsay Lohan. Sweet! Have a drink.