Scanner : halloween

Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:12:00 GMT

You thought Natural Born Killers was a sick Tarantino-Oliver Stone fantasy that could never come true? The story of Amanda Knox, named Italy's "Woman of the Year" for 2008 proves it could, and sooner than you think...

Knox, a 21-year-old from Seattle (her current address is in an Italian prison), was living with fellow student Meredith Kircher at the time of Kircher's horrendous murder, which involve a slit throat and, according to the prosecution, an agonizingly slow demise. Knox claims that smoking a bit of hash that evening has made the events somehow confusing, although she claims to remember hearing Kircher's screams, during which a "scared" Knox covered her ears.

Actually, claim the authorities, Knox was the one causing the screaming, while her boyfriend and another friend cut the innocent girl's throat, as part of some sick manga-inspired experiment. Helping the state's case are the books found on the suspects, the contents of which include a passage about killing vampires. (Kircher had dressed as a vampire for Halloween 2007, which had taken place the night before.)

So, apparently, Italy has no famous women of its own (what happened to the hot model auctioning off her own virginity?) and must select visiting psychopaths. And really, is she so hot they couldn't have gone with the obvious #2, Sarah Palin, instead?

Italians Find Your G-Spot, Promptly Lose It Again

Madonna Has Sex With Herself To Benefit Louis Vuitton

Italian Model's Virginity For Sale (And For Only $1.5 Million!)

Nueve Inch Nails: Trent Reznor is Politically Incorrecto

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

For some reason, this incredible news story escaped our attention. Maybe because it was published on a day we had more important things to worry about...

On Halloween, the Telegraph published a story that began:

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.
The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.
He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in
Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.
Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

Wait, stop right there. We can understand the cucumber (obviously), the deodorant (shapely), even the carnation (we never thought of flowers as automatically phallic or even stimulating, but to each his own-- and you know the carnation incident was a "his"), but how in the Christ-- pardon my language, vicar-- do you fit a Russian doll up your ass?! Was it just the doll's arm? If so, it's an inflatable arm... how could that have been enjoyable? All that plastic and air?

Look at that. The Telegraph's bizarrely unfinished reportage caused us to be distracted from what should have been the lead heard 'round the world: A RELIGIOUS FIGURE STUFFED AN UNCOOKED (?) POTATO UP HIS OWN ASS, THEN CLAIMED HE FELL ON IT WHILE IT HAPPENED TO BE STANDING STRAIGHT UP ON A TABLE, THEREFORE FITTING INSIDE HIS TIGHT BUTTHOLE.

See that's the part that gets us-- his cover story might almost be believable in a giving-him-the-benefit-of-the-doubt sort of way, but he still can't explain why, if the potato was laying on a table, it was able to fit head-first in his bunghole.

Image: We don't remember where we found it, but we've been trying to use it in a story for ages. Our apologies if you were expected a potato there and are very disappointed...

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Sloppy Seconds: The Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Controversy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:31:00 GMT

We're wrapping up early today so we can stay glued to the TV. Check out our election thread here.

The Examiner examined the worst celebrity magazine covers of all time. Guess how many are David Duchovny photos?

Another naked prank went wrong.

How the hell did this end up in a kid's Halloween candy bag?

When their children returned from Halloween trick-or-treating, a couple found suspected methamphetamine and $85 in cash among their 7-year-old son's Snickers bars and Skittles. Lars and Shelly Brosdahl called police, who confirmed that the substance was methamphetamine, worth up to $200 on the street. [AP/Yahoo]

An enraged husband and his two brothers got a drunk and cut off his dick as revenge for a supposed sex act committed with the enraged man's wife.

A man who raped a horse got off easy. (No pun intended, please!)

Brooke Smith's role as Dr. Erica Hahn on Grey's Anatomy is over. Do you think it's discrimination? The argument didn't convince us either way.

And the Kate Winslet-Vanity Fair photos Scanner Emily posted yesterday are causing the predictable controvsery. Airbrushed? Photoshopped? Who cares?

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While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

Gisele Bundchen Finds Another Excuse To Take Off Her Clothes

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students... On Video

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:31:00 GMT

You'll be relieved to learn that this post has nothing to do with the you-know-what that's happening today...

This is the creepiest and coolest Halloween prank we've seen this year

A woman is charged with murder after stabbing her boyfriend with a pair of scissors after the argued over a slice of pizza.

It's scary and insane enough that this guy murdered his girlfriend. But then to cut off his own dick and leave it with her body? Wow. We have nothing to say about that.

A man is selling his wife through an in a classified section intended for vehicle sales, complete with the usual punny ad. The news here? Even though she's 25, he has had to drastically reduce the asking price.

A supposed burglar was found in a store's window display bed getting it on... with a bunch of mannequins.

A naked, masked man holding a gun and waving the American flag on an overpass caused a California freeway to be shut down for hours during yesterday morning's rush hour. And how come we're hearing about this the next day?!

And Traci Lords doesn't appear naked in Kevin Smith's new Porno movie because she was lactating. Yeah, we figured Smith would take a pass on that...

Related:

Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

The World's Largest Flower Is A Giant Deformed Penis

Reversing That Circumcision Even Scarier Than You Thought

Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

Trick or Treat, Give Us Something Good to Eat

Emily Farris — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 21:17:00 GMT

If you could give us one piece of Halloween candy tonight, what would it be, and why?

And when we say "candy," we really mean candy, pervert.

[Image]

Marry, F*ck or Kill: Slutoween Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:38:00 GMT

A naughty nurse, a dirty French maid and a sexy kitten walk into a bar. On Halloween. Which one do you take home to mom, which one do you bang in a dark alley, and which one do you, er, dispose of?

If you need help deciding, there are larger images after the jump.

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Images via costumesupercenter.com

Fark's Scary Stories Thread Gave Us An Idea

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:41:00 GMT

Over on FARK.com, there's a hilarious and often spooky thread of stories and comments about ghosts, demons, and other totally real elements of our lives.

Each of these stories alone would be sufficient for tonight's campfire, but we thought maybe some of you have your own...

First, something for those who don't have their own stories:

The other night I was home alone except for my mini schnauzer Max. I was doing some cleaning in the living room and turned to see Max in front of the cupboards in the kitchen sitting and shaking like something had just hurt him or scared the bejesus out of him. I picked him up and he tried to climb up over me. I brought him into the bedroom and set him on the bed. He ran to the head of the bed and hid behind the pillows,still shaking. This went on for about 20 minutes. Nothing I could do would stop his shaking. He would not go back in the living room the rest of the night. Was it a ghost that scared him? Who knows. - by Trixie Belden
...Jason has lived in the same house since he was little, he and his wife bought it from his mother when they got married. Long history of issues with the house, they even had a preacher come in and bless it. Since the two of them have moved in, there have been a few weird things, but nothing major.

So a few weeks ago we went down there to see them, and spent the night. After it got late and everyone else was in bed, I wanted my PJs, so I went outside to get them from the car. Walking across the deck, I felt something push me from behind, and I fell down the steps. They have a huge boxer who's really bad about jumping, so I thought it was him.

Then I looked up and saw this bright white light, a circle. I thought I'd hit my head or something. so I stood up, and it was still there, about head high, sort of pulsating. I turned around to go back to the house, then I turned back, still there. like it was watching me. Finally I said "I'm sorry if you're mad, but this isn't your house anymore. the people who live here are really nice and will take care of it, but you need to leave." and it got brighter for a second, then slowly faded away.
There were no lights on, nobody lives near there, no headlights, etc. it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. I kind of feel bad now, because I'm not sure that what pushed me and the light were the same thing. I wasn't afraid of the light at all.

The next morning the hub and I got up, and he took me to the doctor. Broken wrist. When I explained to him what happened, and later when I explained it to my friends who own the house, turns out at some point, all of them had seen the light I described. My husband and the other guy had seen it in the house when they were teenagers, and the wife had seen it in the back field, a couple of weeks earlier. -by meg12279

Do you have your own ghost/horror/scary story? And by scary, we don't mean your credit card bill... Halloween-themed, please...

Via Fark. Pic via.

While You Were Sleeping: Halloween Edition

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Did 8-Year-Old Emily Know Scanner Emily Would Become the Crazy Cat Lady?

Scanner Roundtable: The Best and Worst Couple Halloween Costumes

Because It Isn't Halloween Until a Dog Is Wearing a Tiara

Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:06:00 GMT

Kevin Smith is opening his new movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno today. On Halloween.

If you think about it, this is risking total commercial suicide: the built-in audience for Smith's movies would rather watch a horror movie tonight than anything else, making it harder for the movie to have a strong opening weekend. Nonetheless, if they only knew how much better his movie sounds than the tiresome Saw sequel Hollywood pumped out...

College Times has an interesting interview with the writer-director, one in which he doesn't come off as a total dick. So, that's something.

Here it is, complete with his thoughts on Traci Lords, shooting a nude sex scene for the first time in his career, and everything in between...

College Times: What inspired you to do a story about best friends falling for each other because that’s something you’ve never done before?
Kevin Smith: I know, generally most of the stuff I do is like, two dudes who pine for each other but never fuck. All that time in the trenches doing stories about dudes in love definitely informed this script. But I’m afraid that, maybe on the page, it read like more of the same... [see full answer in the interview, linked below]

What was it like working with Traci Lords?
Working with Traci Lords was great. One thing that maybe most people don’t realize about her is she hasn’t made a porn film in 20 years. She worked in porn from the time she was 16 until almost 18. When she got out of porn she started studying acting in a really serious way. I felt so bad, because “Okay, I know you’re a real actress, but in this scene, you’re gonna pretend to blow bubbles out of your vagina.” I felt like I gave her very little to do so I’m kind of hoping to use her in the next film.

In your movies, your characters are known for talking about sex – in this one they actually get to have it. Were you nervous, as a director, about shooting your first sex scene?
I was. You know, it’s off-putting to shoot nudity. I did it once in “Mallrats” very briefly with Joey Adams and I hated it and swore it off. It’s just uncomfortable to ask someone to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself. The scene I was sweating the most was between Seth and Elizabeth because that’s the scene where two people lay down to fuck and wind up making love. I was trying to figure out a way to shoot it where it’s not an episode of “Red Shoe Diaries.” So I told them that morning that I’m going to play it all on your faces so you’re going to be fully clad with no nudity. I thought they’d be like, “Oh thank you thank you thank you,” but immediately they were both outraged. She was just like “Why the fuck did I work out for two months if you’re not going to show my body.” And Rogen was like, “Why the fuck did I shave my back?” Then the relief sank in.

Read the rest of this interview here, via College Times. The above photo and a review of the film is here.

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Kevin Smith Makes A Porno... Or So Thought The MPAA

Real or Fake? Nude Photos of Obama's Mother

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

While You Were Sleeping: Halloween Edition

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

(Un-)happy Halloween, everyone: a woman's memories of life with her serial killer Dad.

A disturbing mugshot is the capper for a drama teacher's teaching career, which follows her arrest for having sex with three teenage boys.

A woman's dying wish was to vote for Barack Obama. Luckily, she cast her ballot (hopefully it'll be counted, goddamn it) and within the hour, she passed away.

Check out this creepy interview with Joe Francis, in which he claims Lindsay Lohan isn't a lesbian... even though she's a lesbian.

All kidding aside, this is truly horrible: Jennifer Hudson's nephew is believed to have shot dead in the SUV his body was found in.

A man was arrested for refusing to pay extra after a friend ate off his buffet plate. He was hauled off to jail kicking and screaming. (Okay, maybe not, but we wanted to keep the Halloween theme going.)

Another reason to vote Obama: we need Supreme Court Justices who understand the First Amendment. For God's sake, these nutjobs won't even allow swear words in their courtrooms during a case involving our First Amendment right to use swear words. The idea of McCain bringing in two or more folks just these is... truly scary.

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Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

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Scanner Roundtable: The Best and Worst Couple Halloween Costumes

Caption This: "The View" Gets Political

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Top 10 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgeries

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:03:00 GMT

We mean costumes celebrities wear, because obviously a straight couple dressed as Sam and Lindsay is too obvious.

And by celebrity costumes we mean "besides the costumes they wear to premieres and when getting out of cabs without underwear." The Halloween kind of costumes...

Liv Tyler and her gang... but seriously, who wants to see these pictures...

...let's make this a Top 5 Sexiest Celebrities In Halloween Outfits list instead...

5. Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin

Okay, we're half-joking about this selection...

4. Lauren Conrad "put on a pretty little sailor suit and cap," although she won't get that reference.

3. Someone needs to tell Heidi Klum there won't be a Catwoman sequel for her to star in...

2. Christina Aguilera and Some Dude play doctor

1. Lindsay Lohan tied with... Lindsay Lohan

Remember: it's the costume, not the celebrity, that makes these hot. By that same page, who can tell when Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are wearing costumes?

If anyone can send us links to at least five decent sexy male celebrities (we couldn't really find any in Halloween costumes, although some decent sex tapes did pop up), we'll do a Part Two.

Pics via Cityrags, the World of Isaac, and other sources

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Homer Simpson Gets Ahead in Dead-Vertising

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 18:17:00 GMT

The Simpsons spoofs Mad Men for the upcoming "Treehouse of Horrors" episode airing Sunday. Oh we'll have this song in our heads for the rest of the day. Scoop after the jump:

[via Videogum]

Scanner Roundtable: The Best and Worst Couple Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 15:23:00 GMT

Our friend and her very new boyfriend, who she's not ready to call her boyfriend, are dressing up as Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson for Halloween. While we tried to convince her that if she's dressing up with a guy, and especially as a couple, he's absolutely her boyfriend, we were also thinking about what fun Halloween costumes for couples can be. Dressing up alone is fine, but playing off of someone else makes it even better.

The most creative we ever got was dressing as a mouse while an ex-boyfriend dressed as a cat. It made for some fun later in the night, but it was pretty boring and overly cute as far as couple Halloween costumes are concerned.

So what do you think? Will the streets be filled with Brangelina wannabees this year or do any of you have amazing couple costumes in mind?

A few ideas, both good and bad, after the jump.

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Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

**Today in F*ck Yeah: Pacman Halloween Costumes**

Cute Overload Keeps the Pets in Costumes Coming

MyZombiePinup: Get Ready For Halloween '09

Scanner Roundtable: The Costumes That Got Us Laid

[Image, Image, Image, Image]

Caption This: "The View" Gets Political

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:53:00 GMT

The women of The View dressed up as U.S. Presidents for Friday's pre-recorded Halloween show. And, yeah, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is dressed as Ronald Reagan.

[Image]

Caption This: Traci Bingham at the Pumpkin Patch

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 16:16:00 GMT

[Image]

Cute Overload Keeps the Pets in Costumes Coming

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 18:01:00 GMT

Because we're not going to stop until someone pries the computer from our cold, dead hands, here are even more amazing (and, yes, horrifying) pets in Halloween costumes. This time, Cute Overload has done us the courtesy of organizing these costumes according to type like the "Famous Human Costume" (Elvis, anyone?) and the "Non Sequiter Costume" (A mixtape? Really?).

But the most exceptional costume in the bunch is not a Daschound dressed as a hot dog (snore) or a terrier in an Ewok cape (so 2006), it is this, ridiculously adorable photo:

While You Were Sleeping: The Sexy Mrs. Freddy Kreuger

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:16:00 GMT

We can picture it: a Cleopatra movie starring Catherine Zeta-Jones as the title character and Hugh Jackman as Marc Antony. But a musical? And directed by Steven Soderbergh?

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClelan endorsed Obama on D.L. Hughley's new show. John McCain really needs a high profile endorsement soon-- really, he needs just about anything and everything soon to turn this thing around. Some observers think McCain could be down to funds of only one million dollars a day... you don't even want to know how that compares to Obama's staggering total.

Although we suspect it to be an exaggeration, this is nonetheless the most shocking HIV scare story we can recall...

Students at a suburban St. Louis high school headed to the gymnasium for HIV testing this week after an infected person told health officials as many as 50 teenagers might have been exposed to the virus that causes AIDS.
Officials refused to give details on who the person was or how the students at Normandy High School might have been exposed...
A teacher in a neighboring district singled out a girl who dates someone at Normandy High and instructed her to get tested, Hochstedler said. A competing school's football team initially balked at playing Normandy's 8-0 team.
Jasmine Lane, a 16-year-old sophomore, said her boyfriend from a neighboring high school broke up with her on learning of the news -- after she bought them tickets to homecoming.
"I cried so hard," she said.

There's nothing positive about this story whatsoever. It has the potential to be an explosive, ongoing saga... we'll keep you posted. (Jasmine, we'll totally fly to St. Louis to go to the homecoming with you.)

Yet another downer: a woman was sentenced to forty years in prison. Her crime? Lighting her boyfriend on fire. His? Not beating up the guy who was checking her out.

Anne Hathaway's ex was sentenced yesterday...

A dashing Italian conman who went out with Hollywood actress Anne Hathaway was sentenced by a court in New York on Thursday to four and a half years in prison for fraud. [Yahoo!]

Note to crackheads: it's easy to get busted for faking crack prescriptions... since there's no such thing as a crack prescription.

And this Halloween costume is pretty stupid. Although, we have to admit, Freddy Kreuger has great taste in women.

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Today in F*ck Yeah: Pacman Halloween Costumes

Because It Isn't Halloween Until a Dog Is Wearing a Tiara

Today in F*ck Yeah: Pacman Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:44:00 GMT

Since we already kind-of got Slutoween out of our systems, perhaps this year we should go for something just plain cool. Our friend sent us a link to these Pacman ghost costumes, and we have to say, they're pretty amazing. Our only concern is the "enclosed" aspect. We tried to be the mascott at a football game in high school once and freaked the fuck out after about five minutes of having the Indian mask over our heads.

Pictures and link for purchase (though we can't imagine these beauties are still availalbe) after the jump.

They're available here in Brooklyn (the home of all three of your Scanner contributors) and only $30 each.

[Craigslist: Pacman Ghosts Halloween Costumes]

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

MyZombiePinup: Get Ready For Halloween '09

Scanner Roundtable: The Costumes That Got Us Laid

Because It Isn't Halloween Until a Dog Is Wearing a Tiara

(Thanks, Andrew!)

Hot or Not? Heidi Klum's Got Milk Ad

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 20:17:00 GMT

We've already established the fact that Heidi Klum is gorgeous and probably a cool gal in the Real World. And it should be a no-brainer that seeing Klum in her supposed Halloween costume (hint: it involves pigtails, a skirt, and working on a farm... it's automatically hot.)

However, this is the "got milk?" campaign we're talking about, which involves putting mustaches on females, as if that's hot. (Sorry, ladies, it's most certainly not-- even if it's only a dairy product and not actual hair.) After the jump, check out the full photo, outfit, and mustache in all its glory and let us know...

Bonus: adorable kittens!

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MyZombiePinup: Get Ready For Halloween '09

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 15:16:00 GMT

Halloween is Scanner's favorite day of the year (and that includes our own birthdays.) Anything that involves 10/31 gets our attention... especially if it involves scantily-clad ~~humans~~ zombies cavorting for a raunchy wall calendar.

Of course, where there's zombies, blood, corpses, and carnage can't be too far behind...

My Zombie Pinup (tagline "where beauty meets brains") has unleashed its 2009 Calendar on an unsuspecting public, just in time to cash in on All Hallow's Eve. The 13-month calendar features "vintage" style shots of models cavorting around San Francisco's Golden Gate Park, all covered in blood, wounds, and pieces of their victims.

Warning: if that doesn't sound like something you'd enjoy on a Monday morning at work or if you are of the opinion that girls covered in blood is degrading, you might not want to...

...scroll down...

The calendar is available here for about $15.

Related:

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Scanner Roundtable: The Costumes That Got Us Laid

Scanner Roundtable: Our Favorite Horror Movie Stars

Happy Halloween! Buy Us Shoes!

Happy Halloween! Your 10-Year-Old Is Showing Cleavage.

While You Were Sleeping: Amy Winehouse's Scientology Cure

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 13:59:00 GMT

Today in CNN discoveries: thrift stores get a lot of business from the middle class... and hipsters.

Paris Bennett, who has something to do with American Idol, gave birth in the United States to a daughter she calls Egypt.

Even Willem Dafoe is feeling the housing crunch...

Willem Dafoe is having trouble selling his house in upstate Accord for $850,000. "It is clad in neoprene, the stuff they make wetsuits out of," says his neighbor, author Bruce Littlefield [NY Post]

Barack Obama leads John McCain... in Halloween sales.

Nonetheless, he shouldn't get cocky and listen to Michael Dukakis.

Drew Barrymore weighs in.

And Amy Winehouse is rumored to be seriously considering a Scientology-run detox program:

One of Amy’s inner circle tells me: “She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album. They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.” [Mirror]

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:30:00 GMT

I always pull together my Halloween costume at the last minute. No matter how much thought I put into it the entire month of October, the perfect costume never comes to me until I'm on my way out the door to celebrate with slutty cats and French maids.

Last year was no exception. I arrived home at 8 with the vague idea of dressing up as VMA Britney, but needed to leave by 8:30 and didn't have time to buy a wig and my silver bikini was no where to be found.

I thought about what I could utilize (my red hair) and took an inventory of the clothes I hadn't yet packed for my move (very few). What I came up with was a pretty - dam - good - if - I - do - say - so - myself Pippi Longstocking.

(Okay, so by this point I was more of a sloshed Pipi. Anyway...)

I can't take credit for this industrious Halloweening of mine. I owe it to my father. My parents divorced when I was three, and my mother never celebrated Halloween because her crazy religion didn't allow it. Dad arrived one year realizing we didn't have costumes and not wanting to endure the picked through pink plastic princesses and black wigs of K-Mart. He did, however, have a few sheets in his car—a pale blue sheet and a Budweiser sheet (maybe he'd just done laundry or he knew we weren't going to be dressed up?). A few holes and a piece or two of string later, my sister Jo and I were instantly transformed into ghosts. I don't remember which one of us actually ended up as the Budweiser ghost; I know neither of us wanted to be, and we fought about it. I also know my dad felt bad, but what I wouldn't give to be the Budweiser ghost now...

With no Budweiser sheets to be found this year, I must resort to pulling together another Halloween costume. I don't know why I do this to myself: think about what I'll dress up as so early in the month when I know I'll end up changing my mind or pulling together the perfect costume the hour before I head out. Maybe I do it because it's just really fun to think about what I can be for one night.

I probably put too much thought into it. Most women want to look sexy or slutty—and why not? It's fun, and it's not often I get to wear fishnet stockings and red lipstick these days. For me, though, it's more about having a good costume, and if I happen to look sexy while I wear it, that's more than okay.

On the un-sexy side, the idea of getting a bunch of women together and dressing up as polygamist wives has certainly crossed my mind, but I'll be in my hometown of Indepdence, MO for Halloween this year, and for those of you who don't know, Indepdendence has the second largest Mormon population in the country (next to Salt Lake City).

I could certainly dress up as Sarah Palin, but my American flag bikini has gone the way of my silver bikini (it never actually existed in my life) plus, I don't want to get beat up by a Republican.

Perhaps it's time for Vote Girl (my 2004 alter ego and Halloween Costume) to make a re-appearance.

She was pretty kick-ass. I was at Kent State in Ohio doing GOTV and I got busted by campus security. "We've had reports of a scantily-clad crazy lady in the commons..."

Are you already thinking about your Halloween costumes? If so, what are you thinking?

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While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Poor Anne Hathaway, and we don't mean that in a mocking way: she had to hand over all the lovely jewels her ex gave her... because they were allegedly purchased with stolen funds. (We hate it when that happens.) Meanwhile, the suave gangster paramour of hers faces at least five years in prison and is still in jail, pending a million dollars' bond, and rumored to be working on a plea deal.

If you're a poll kind of person (we're kind of not), here are 19 new ones on the Presidential race. Quickly: McCain leads in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, and Wyoming; Obama leads in Colorado, Michigan, and Pennsylvania; and they're tied in Nevada, North Carolina, and Ohio.

And who will be the surprise special guest during Michael Phelps' hosting of SNL this weekend?

According to People, Sen. Barack Obama will appear on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps will be guest hosting the show.

Said an Obama spokesman: "The details of the sketch are still being worked out."

We hope it's funnier than the last one, which was super obvious and involved Halloween masks and his "surprise" appearance. Lame.

We're absolutely amazed that someone gave Mariah Carey another movie. Not that we don't like her or anything-- we're just stating the truth.

We still can't get over this story from yesterday's Sloppy Seconds (click here): Lauren Conrad has landed a book deal. Oh my God, what's next, a clothing line?!

And the scariest headline of the morning: Trace drugs found in water could affect 46 million

Headline that sounds scary but thankfully isn't: 9-Year-Old Girl Delivers Baby Brother

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

While You Were Sleeping: Jessica Alba's Bondage Ad

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

While You Were Sleeping: Which TV Female Character Do You Wanna Be?

Teen Hooker Outfit Perfect Gift For Your Daughter's Birthday!

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 16:05:00 GMT

Full, bizarre photo, after the jump...

Maybe your teenage daughter buys her Halloween presents early each year... maybe she has a graduation party... or, best of all, a costume birthday party. Well, Amazon.com is here to help...

Hurry, Dad, there's only one left!

(Via Amazon, of course. Although no need to visit and give them any more attention.)

Note to Self...Best Halloween Costume Idea Ever: Cloverfeild

Steve McKay — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 20:00:00 GMT

You know how it’s annoying when people say that for Halloween they are going to be a Dracula or a Frankenstein or a Chewbacca? Well I’m going to do them one better this year and dress up like a Cloverfield. I know Halloween is a whole season and change away, but with the futuristic Blu-ray release of Cloverfield, One can’t help but look to the future. And this costume would take some prep time for sure. First of all you don’t really get a good look at him in the movie, so that presents some challenges. I’m gonna want it to be as realistic as possible, so I’m going to need A LOT of old socks and A LOT of newspaper’s to stuff them with. I’ll need to purchase and train some scorpions to fall off my body and get a crew of friends to follow me around screaming “What the fuck IS that!?!!” at the top of their lungs. Then I guess I’ll just shake around a lot and make girls barf from motion sickness. I am so getting some Halloween humps this year!

Hey George Bush, See What Your Abstinence-Only Education Has Done to America's Youth?

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 16:01:00 GMT

They're having more sex and using fewer condoms.

Is there any generation you haven't screwed in your eight long years as president?

Teenagers are having more sex than they were in 2001 and condom use declined after the U.S. government increased spending to promote sexual abstinence.

The percentage of teens who said they had sex rose to 47.8 percent last year from 45.6 percent in 2001, according to data released today by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. Condom use fell from 63 percent in 2003 to 61.5 percent in 2007, the survey of high school students found.

The Bush administration has more than doubled grants for abstinence programs since 1999 to a proposed $191 million in next year's budget. The programs limit discussions of contraceptives and advocate that teens avoid sex. The CDC study didn't attempt to explain why teen sex isn't declining and condom use isn't rising, as they were during the 1990s.

``We are concerned about what appears to be a flatting-out of sexual risk behaviors,'' said Howell Wechsler, director of CDC's division of adolescent and school health, in a conference call with reporters today.

That's it. We're handing out condoms with little how-to's this Halloween. In fact, we're going to start a campaign to hand out condoms to trick-or-treaters. Tricks and treats.

[Bloomberg: Teens Having More Sex and Using Fewer Condoms, U.S. Study Says]

Related:

Abstinence-Only Education Doesn't Work

New Sex Exhibit in France... For Kids

How Long Were You a "Technical Virgin?"

Mama Said Knock You Out, HUA!

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 16:49:00 GMT

On more than one occasion, say, each week, we want to punch someone in the face. But we don't, because that's just not OK. And we want people to like us, and you don't make friends by going around punching people in the face.

This 61-year-old dude, (who looks to us like a shady version of Tom Skerritt) however, acted on his urge to punch someone in the face—an eight-year-old trick-or-treater who disregarded a "no trick-or-treat" sign at the man's house.

Scanner Roundtable: The Costumes That Got Us Laid

sarahhepola — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 21:00:00 GMT

Another beer bong, another question for the Scanner team. Which costumes got you laid on Halloween? Boy, turns out, we didn't get laid much. We're signing off for the day, but we wish you a Happy Halloween. And we hope you have better luck than we did.

October 31, 1991 (pictured). I’ve had bad luck with Halloween. My mother made me a kick-ass Cinderella costume in kindergarten, and it’s pretty much been downhill from there. As a senior in high school, my boyfriend and I decided to dress like hippies — a costume that not only reflected our hardwon Southern liberalism but also our parents’ embarrassing closets. I’m not sure it got me laid, though frankly, a garbage bag would have gotten me laid in those days, because my boyfriend was just that awesome. But I do remember switching out my cute Limited Express casuals for that weird get-up and realizing I looked kinda, I dunno… hot? I still own this shirt (and the wide-flare cords I wore with it), and while it will take another Halloween costume to get me to tie a scarf around my hair (perhaps my “Christina Aguilera buying Starbucks in the pages of Us Weekly” costume), I think this is probably my best semi-adult costume. Because sometimes you need to dress like someone else to realize that, in real life, you dress kinda stupid. — Sarah Hepola

October 31, 2000. I have never gotten laid because of a Halloween costume. But in my first year of college, I dressed up as a football player (which was amazing because I am 5' 3'' and about 105 lbs) and for some mysterious, inexplicable reason my male friend I'd always assumed was gay chose that night to declare his love for me. On the couch in the lounge. After we'd watched a bunch of wiccans burn a giant papier mache head in effigy and then streaked across campus. Unsurprisingly, I dropped out of school about a month later. — Nicole Pasulka

October 28, 1995. My girlfriend had just broken up with me and, an hour before our friend’s big Halloween party, I decided I had to win her back. This meant a sexy costume. I’d been something of a slightly reserved nerd up to this point and hadn’t been planning to dress up at all, but in my wretched lust I knew that I couldn’t allow her any time to think about anything other than all the hot getting-it-on we had done and that required a sexy costume. We could figure out the other stuff later.

So, at 9pm on Halloween Saturday, I grabbed a puffy open shirt from my closet (a blouse, really, that I had worn a dozen times in a production of an Elizabethan comedy and inexplicably kept afterwards) and made my way to the Halloween section of the biggest supermarket in spitting distance. In short order, I’d cobbled something together: with a plastic sword, a black Dracula cape, a slightly trimmed plastic robber mask, and that shirt, I would be Zorro. I drove to the party, parked down the street, threw everything over black jeans and boots in my car and, making sure to first puff my newly grown chest hair in my rearview mirror, joined some friends at the keg.

When I at last found my ex-, she didn’t recognize me. In that moment, I knew I had a shot, and a few hours later we left the party early and together. We spent the next year and a half making each other totally miserable. — Bryan Christian

Halloween Contest: Horror Movie Victims You'd Like to F*ck

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 18:40:00 GMT

We've always loved horror movies. Gross, suspenseful, terrifying, or hokey, we watch with muscles tensed and our hands over our eyes. But if there's anything we love more in a movie than horror and gore, it's hot people dying. Sometimes we get so lusty for an attractive victim, we forget to be scared of the movie. People are screaming, blood is spurting, and we’re wondering what it feels like to kiss Johnny Depp on the mouth. So we're going to get a contest going over here. Who is the hottest person to be strangled, shot, bludgeoned, pushed out of a window -- oh, you get the idea -- in a horror movie? The winner will become the proud owner of some sort of sex toy, love manual, or T-shirt, depending on what we can scrounge up at the offices underneath all the jack-o-lanterns and condoms.

Go on. Take a stab at it.

Scanner Roundtable: Our Favorite Horror Movie Stars

sarahhepola — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 18:27:00 GMT

A question was floated at our regular Scanner beer-bong sessions: Who was the horror film star who, in the words of Usher, made you wanna? Our answers are weird, and varied, and possibly embarrassing. (One of them involves a movie that's not really even a horror film.) Know what? It’s Halloween. We’re dressed as people who don’t give a damn.

Matthew Lillard, Scream: Halloween movies are just NOT about the dudes. Honestly, I’m surprised Hollywood even bothered to cast them, rather than just shelling out for some midgets in masks to push the plot along. Halloween movies are about women--beautiful, shrieking, imperiled women, bosoms heaving (about which you will soon hear) -- and it’s hard to think of any guy who can hold a candle to that kind of white-hot flame. When this question was first posed, my head sort of lurched about: Jack Nicholson in The Shining? Father Damien, the troubled but hunky Catholic priest of The Exorcist? And that’s the pool from which we girls must pluck our Prince Charmings: demon or saint, killer or savior. But if I’m honest, brutally honest and not trying to just look cool, then I will admit I had a throbbing boner for Matthew Lillard in Scream, playing a sarcastic teen who manages to be both of these things at once while also offering up some of the movie’s best punchlines. Eventually, he played Shaggy in Scooby Doo. What can I say? I like the funny ones. — Sarah Hepola

Jamie Lee Curtis, Halloween; Sigourney Weaver, Alien: Oh, Jamie Lee Curtis, goddamn you are cute in Halloween. And in the greatly inferior Halloween II and, honestly, in A Fish Called Wanda, but that's a conversation for another time. Today, it's Halloween, and who better to celebrate on Halloween than the woman who consistently escaped Michael Myers' single-minded pursuit for more than 20 years? At one point, she cut off his head, because when the maniac is breathing down her neck, she does not fuck around. Except she's not bloodthirsty or hard-hearted. Laurie Strode keeps it real and has especially nice hair, which is what we look for in a horror movie heroine. BUT LEST WE FORGET: Imagine you're trapped on a space ship with a malevolent, super-powered alien being. Right, we'd all have hurled ourselves into the black abyss of outer space before we could finish reading that sentence. Not Ripley, though. Ripley is as hard as Sarah’s throbbing boner for Matthew Lillard. The Alien is all, "REEEaaaak!," and Ripley is all, "Eat flame thrower, you bitch." That thing is so fucking scary, but next to Sigourney Weaver, it just looks clumsy and kind of stupid. And then, it's time for white panties! Not enough that we get to see her sweat, and fight, and mutter all stressed out and pushed to the limit, after everything's almost said and done, we get to see her take off her clothes. Thank you, Ripley, for taking off your clothes, and for saving Earth from that slimy alien. In case any of you were thinking of setting us up on a blind date sometime, this is our type. — Nicole Pasulka

Terri Garr and Madeline Kahn, Young Frankenstein: The first time I realized Young Frankenstein was full of sex jokes, I was probably 17 and watching it again for the first time in, like, 10 years. I guess my folks knew, correctly, that my young mind would focus on the monster and the pratfalls and never pick up on the intense undercurrent of Victorian horniness that underpins the film, bursting occasionally at the seams like the ripe bosoms of its female leads, Teri Garr and Madeline Kahn. But how could this not, on a subconscious level, be the very beginning of my sexual life? Look how doubleplushot they are: Kahn, her lush frame wrapped tightly in suits until being let loose hungrily in the film’s climax; and Garr, her Swiss Miss outfits and pert, cheery availability causing me even today to paw longingly at my TV. Dr. Frankenstein, you fool! I don’t care how you pronounce your name! Get rid of that monster and find a hot tub and a bottle of Schnapps, stat! — Bryan Christian

These Dogs Are Going to Turn Into Pumpkins After Midnight

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 18:27:00 GMT

We spent a solid three hours trying to wrestle our dog into his Halloween Glinda the Good Witch costume. He was NOT HAVING IT. He is totally fired. We're going to replace him with these dogs, who look like they know how to party. We were hoping to take them to Nightmare on Castro Street, but since it's shut down this year, we'll have to settle for a walk in the park and the first prize in this contest.

More fly-ass costumes our dog ripped to shreds after the jump.

We're going as Raggedy Andy! It's going to be magical.

We know you've probably seen this before, but come on! There is no such thing as overexposure for Pug Darth Vader.