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BBC Wants You to Know You'll All Get Sex Cancers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:27:00 GMT

Sex cancers are going to get you! Sex cancers are going to get you!

Can you tell it's a slow news day all over the world, especially at the BBC?

According to their intrepid reporter and staggering research power, the British Broadcasting Corporation has revealed that all that sex and drugs and rock 'n roll you baby boomers enjoy so much has led to cancers of your genitalia:

Rates of anal, vulval and vaginal cancers rose for "baby boomers" born in the decades after the Second World War.

The culprit is the human papillomavirus (HPV), acquired during sex, said the King's College London study.

Up to three out of four people will be infected, it estimates. The British Journal of Cancer report says changes in sexual habits may be the cause.

HPV has been implicated in a number of cancers, including cervical, anal, vulval, vaginal and penile - although the diseases can be caused by other factors too.

We had to check this story's publication date to make sure, but we can confirm that the BBC has discovered the existence of HPV... after the entire state of Texas. Now, that's news...

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Girl Claims to Have Slept With 200+ Strangers, Thanks to Craig's List

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:05:00 GMT

We say: "Is that all?" Just kidding-- we don't sleep with strangers, as a rule, so this specie is baffling to us.

“I can’t explain the buzz I get from meeting someone for the first time and knowing that in a couple of hours we’ll be ripping each other’s clothes off. It’s addictive."

Yes, it's called sex addiction. You have it, Bill Clinton has it, pretty much everyone we know has it. That doesn't mean you're an awful person, however.

“A lot of women may call me a slag, but I’m not. The sex is on my terms — I call the shots.”

Well, it's refreshing to hear that you're in control, but calling the shots has nothing to do with why they're calling you "a slag."

The 25-year-old bar manager is hooked on net sex and has slept with 200 online date mates.
On average, she beds a different man every FIVE DAYS. She’s even had sex with THREE of them in ONE DAY.

Calm down, News of the World-- you Puritan pigs. We've never seen you run a story about a guy having sex with 200 women and calling him a sleazebag-- and if you did, we'd call you on your moral grandstanding for that, too...

“My friends will meet guys in clubs and take them home,” she argues. “That’s more risky than what I do because I can check mine out before we meet.
“I’ll always insist on safe sex and carry condoms. If the guy complains, I won’t meet him.”

Ah, finally, some sanity.

“I hear pals moan about their partners and thank my lucky stars I don’t have to put up with snoring, pants lying around or getting dinner ready.
“When I have a date, I put on sexy undies, drink wine with a gorgeous guy who takes me home and ravishes me.
“I’ll settle down one day but it’s too much fun at the moment.”

Read more about 25-year-old bar manager "Louise's" sexploits on News of the World.

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Princess Eugenie, An Amateur Stripper, Is Our Favorite Female Royal

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:35:00 GMT

Last June, we reported on Her Royal Highness Princess Eugenie of York's nude rampage. The daughter of Sarah Ferguson from Weight Watchers and some British dude has been trying to publicly top herself ever since-- because you know the Queen likes nothing better than to hear about her heirs getting all liquored up and running wild in the streets...

Her Royal Rockness spent Thursday night partying past dawn at a London gentleman's club-- the London's Sophisticats** Gentleman's Club, that is.

The princess giggled as she watched a brunette dancer perform a raunchy routine for one of her male friends, before standing up and dancing next to her table with a pal.
Eugenie then asked if she could get on stage and strut her stuff on the pole.
A source told Britain's The Daily Mail newspaper: "Because of health and safety regulations she was told she would not be allowed unless she was employed by the club and had undergone training on the pole, like all their dancers. It was all done very tongue-in-cheek and Eugenie took it in good spirits."

Eugenie, 18, is so wealthy, she's not only able to start her weekends one night early, but she can afford a £20 lapdance. (£20 converts to about "three times the average American's checking account.)

The royal was accompanied by her Police Protection Officer, who sat at a neighbouring table watching the teenager. [Royal Watch]

We have a sinking suspicion he may have been enjoying his job for the first time...

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Yes, Ma'am(aries)! Royal Army Corproal Busted For Moonlighting As Expensive Hooker

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 19:38:00 GMT

Hooker Roxi Llewelyn advertised her stats: 32E breasts... 21-years-old... Englander... interested in being the rented sex object of both men and women... oh, and she's a a junior NCO/Lance Corporal in the Royal Military Police...

Whoops. Her Majesty's military want to have a word with her about that last part.

Rebecca Smith (yeah, we prefer "Roxi Llewelyn") charged dudes and ladies one hundred British pounds per hour for her services*, including "spanking and bondage" and "15 minute quickies," which she advertised over the internet. Once considered the most promising candidate in her class, Smith was booted from her military cop gig after a nosy superior caught her using an official computer to respond to fan comments on her racy website, which we have been unable to track down:

One message left by a punter hailed her as “gorgeous”. Another thanked her for the “nice time”. [The Sun]

We should amend that to read: Smith may have been booted from her military cop gig, but obviously, her admirers will forgive her...

*actually, 100 quid an hour is nothing compared to Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

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If You're Going to Give A BJ In Public...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:33:00 GMT

...you might not want to do it front of cameras and startled onlookers...

...as English lass Emma Modrate has learned the hard way. (Side note: although the original article in the Sun doesn't mention it, it was most likely a blow job. Ah, the Sun... topless women running rampant in its pages for no reason, but God forbid they use the words "oral sex" in order to clarify what the hell they're rambling on about.)

The most amusing thing about this story is that a) Modrate has made thirty-three court appearances in just ten years and b) the judge's actual words to her?

“It seems the probation service have more faith in you than I have. I have reviewed your case over the last year and it seems you have been going backwards. However, I am going to give you one more chance."

Apparently, Emma's boyfriend gave her two chances... to finish up the blow job that is. Closed-circuit footage of the incident indicates that Liam Dougherty, whom the Sun barely even mentions (you know, because the guy shouldn't get in trouble at all for this), kept coming back for more. It must not have been all that wonderful, since the dude decided to converse with a passing hobo, who we're sure reflected philosophically, Kevin Smith-style, on the state of blow jobs in this confused and diversified world of ours...

Oh, and here's the Sun's photo of this woman... we don't condone laughing at someone's appearance... so let's all laugh at the fact that she's a smoker!

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 19:15:00 GMT

47% of all public school teachers working in the United States have had sex with a student or another teacher since 1997, according to an informal study we just made up.

And like a halfway scary Dario Argento movie from 1976, it's spreading like a sexual plague to other countries...

The Sutton Guardian reported on two teachers at Carshalton College, a school near London (at least on the world map) who skipped out on a school assembly to have sex in a classroom. Not a big deal, right? The fact that they were caught by a student and reported-- still not a big deal. The fact that they were both committing adultery-- getting warmer...

The real story here isn't that the school sex(ual revolution) phenomenon is invading England, it's that after the teachers were busted the first time, they simply hightailed it across the hall and restarted their shenanigans in another classroom, where they were busted again, this time by a third teacher, who obviously felt he/she was missing out.

A great ending to this story would've been that all three teachers were busted for a classroom menage a trois, although we're confident one of those will turn up soon enough... Great Britain...

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More Nude Rugby Calendar Dudes For The Holidays

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:42:00 GMT

We'll always blog about nude rugby players and their calendars, particularly if the calendars are a charitable endeavor...

In an age when young starlets take their clothes off in a surefire attempt at jump-starting their careers, we should be ignoring them and pay more attention to people like the men of the Gloucester and Westbury-on-Severn rugby squads, both of which agreed to pose for arty black-and-white pinup shots, with no monetary or career-boosting awards whatsoever.

Check out the two photos that have been sent out to the press. The first is of a Gloucester team member named Andy Hazell (any relation to Keeley?); the second, butt shots of the Westbury boys:

We have no idea where one might be able to purchase these calendars, so if you have that info, please pass it along and we'll share it here.

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Boy Takes Viagra To Survive... A Two-Year-Old Boy, That Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:29:00 GMT

Someone should really get us a subscription to the Sun for Christmas because it has really become our go-to publication for insane and highly unbelievable news stories.

Today, the highly disreputable publication brings us the story of Calvin Muteesa, aged two, who has been taking up to six Viagra a day since he was three months old...

Calvin has pulmonary arterial hypertension, a rare condition which means his blood pressure is dangerously high. This starves his lungs of oxygen-rich blood.
The youngster struggles for breath and his heart has to work twice as hard to force blood to his lungs. Viagra relaxes his pulmonary artery, which carries blood to the lungs, and allows more blood and oxygen through.

Turns out that Calvin only began consuming the anti-impotence drug as a last resort-- a nurse offhandedly suggested it to the boy's mother, who realized that it might help with Calvin's blood flow issues.

Of course, it need not be mentioned that this is not a story that could ever happen in America. Most insurance companies don't cover Viagra (for anyone) and a few pills can run upwards of one hundred dollars by prescription. Universal healthcare anyone?

Via the Sun. Photo via.

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Dumb Cops Make Mondays Bearable

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:42:00 GMT

Like many of you, we're suckers for corrupt cop stories. Not the scary corruption kind (like Matt Damon in The Departed), the kind that involves traffic cops sleeping with women they've given $100 in tickets to in exchange for ripping up said tickets.

Two stories today jumped out at us about cops who weren't just dumber than the criminals they usually tackle, but funnier and widely-publicized, too...

1) A married British constable was sentenced to four months in jail because he could not stop having sex with women while at work. The first woman used to make him meals and had sex with him while he was on duty, while the second woman was undoubtedly a victim. He arrested her after an incident involving her boyfriend, stroked her hands while fingerprinting her, then, while he was supposed to be giving her a ride home in a police van, invited her to take a walk in the woods for a "chat." He then all but forced a kiss on her, whereupon she decided to file the complaint that landed him in prison. Bye bye, copper. [Yahoo]

2) Check this out... you're a bored Secret Service agent and you decide you desperately need to get laid. So what do you do? If you're this unnamed agent, you roll up to a female prostitute, inquire about her pricing, show her your Secret Service uniform so she knows who to look for down the road, agree on a $20 fee (for what? a kiss on the cheek? that's it? $20?), and roll straight over to where the DC police, which is conducting a sting, is ready to arrest you. Let's hope this guy wasn't on the Presidential detail or Barack Obama is in trouble... [Fox]

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Transgender Rambo Goes On Rampage of Racism, Arson, and Harmless Fun

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:50:00 GMT

It's not nice to laugh at people who have mental problems, so we won't.

We'll just tell you what this nutty Brit did to earn herself a minimum three years in prison before even be "considered for parole..."

1) Joanne Spencer, who is reportedly a "gender reassignment patient," tried to burn down her apartment building after fighting with a neighbor.

2) Spencer answered the door when the police arrived "wearing combat gear and a gas mask and told police she would not come out and was wearing the mask so she would be killed by the flames rather than fumes."

3) Firefighters had to taser her to get her to leave.

4) When she returned to her apartment to pick up some of her things, she got spooked (the story isn't very clear here) and jumped into a taxi. She made racist remarks and threatened to go "Rambo" on the taxi driver with her hunting knife if he didn't drive her away, all while swinging the knife at his head.

5) She was taken down via "stun gun" this time.

The judge acknowledged Spencer's rough life but seemed completely oblivious to the fact that this person should be in a mental institution, not a prison. He sentenced her

indefinitely for public protection, and said it would be a minimum of three years before she would be considered for parole. [Yorkshire Evening Post]

What do you think? Was this deserved or do you have a better idea?

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Commercial Features Nothing But Bikini Girls On Pogo Sticks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:12:00 GMT

This commercial has been airing across the pond in the UK for some time now, although no one's really sure what it is...

...until the end, we're guessing...

We're not sure if the tagline "This is a film about insurance" is on the original ad or not, but it makes it so much more ridiculous. This is a film? Hell, this isn't even an ad... unless Trident Insurance is really a redirect to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar mail order department...

Via Ad Gabber.

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Today in Sex Toys: The Shaver Vibrator

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 20:39:00 GMT

Sex toy manufacturer Touche calls this dual-action vibrator-shaver the Womaniser (ooh, touche.)

But what do the Brits who have already tried it out think of this strange new invention? The Womaniser, which lasts for about forty minutes per battery charge, has not gone over so well with Love Honey's customer reviewer:

It really is a case of form over function. The packaging is amazing, all sexy and black and sophisticated.The shaver and vibrator are at different ends and the shaver is hidden behind a ‘safety cap’. Now this is where we have our first problem. This is NOT a safety cap. It’s a lump of silicone with metal inside that loosely cover[s] the shaver. I spent ages trying to ‘click’ the cap shut, thinking I must be an idiot, but I have come to the decision that there is no mechanism to keep the top on. The shaver seems to snag the hair and is just not sharp enough when under cover of the comb. It can tidy you up a bit but no more than that.

Now onto the vibrator... the battery compartment and button stick out, there’s no way you can use this inside the vagina... it seems designed to be used as a g-spot stimulator as well, yet can’t be.

Crucially, she goes on (well, we're assuming it's a "she"), the vibrator fails as a masturbatory device as well, due to its weak vibrations. Apparently, setting your Nokia phone to shake and shimmy would be a better option. And, as we know from personal experience, since Nokia's tend to capture hair off our heads while we're talking, it might work as a shaver while we're self-satisfying, as well...

Via Love Honey UK.

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The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part One)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:59:00 GMT

Naaaah... Maria Sharapova's too obvious a choice, but enjoy this photo anyway

NBC wants you to have Olympic fever... after all, how many hundred million dollars have they spent just for the rights to telecast the games?

By that rationale, they'll need to keep people hooked... and there's nothing that'll hook an American audience like drooling over the world's finest athletic specimens...

First, the Females:

Until just the other day, Ana Ivanovic was the number one ranked women's tennis player in the world. Forget Sharapova, man...

Katerina Emmons from Czech Republic: Because there's nothing hotter than a woman with a sniper rifle.

Kelly Sotherton from Great Britain. She nabbed a Bronze in Athens and Jackie Joyner-Kersee sees her as a heavy favorite to win gold this time. We just want to marry her and seize the throne at Buckingham. (Maybe because she reminds us a little bit of Carla Bruni.)

Jenny Adams from the US. The 100m master did an FHM shoot, so we'll root for her on that alone (although we don't read FHM or anything... really.)

Stephanie Rice from Australia. Going through a well-publicized breakup has got to be a major distraction on the eve of the Beijing Games, but swimmer Stephanie is the world record holder in the 200 meter individual medley and should perform strong here.

Continued in Part Two: The Male Candidates.

Several pics via Webtv.

Women Get Away With Affairs Because of Their Expert Lying, Says Woman Who Got Away With An Affair With Future British Prime Minister

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:12:00 GMT

This is Edwina Currie, the conservative politician who cheated on her husband with married future British Prime Minister John Major. Edwina wrote a piece for the Daily Mail this week on the latest poll on cheaters and how they get away with it...

So a new survey has come up with the surprise revelation that women are just as likely to be unfaithful as men.
Why didn't anyone realise this earlier?
Simply, it seems, because we women are more wily. While men are likely to strut around bragging about their conquests - indeed, even exaggerating the scale of their extramarital infidelities - women, conversely, are apt to keep mum about theirs.
Two thousand women were questioned in a recent sex and relationship survey. One in six of them admitted to having adulterous sex.
But here's the revelation: while females almost invariably discover the truth when their spouses stray, women are adept at keeping their own infidelities secret.

Currie also points out the already-infamous recent interview given by Dame Eileen Atkins in which the 70-something actress confessed that Colin Farrell had repeatedly propositioned her one night a few years back, in which Atkins said:

'Women are more successful at infidelity than men - they're better liars.'

Interestingly, it was Currie who broke the news of the affair, more than a decade after it ended, in her 2002 autobiography. She later trashed Major for being sexist and racist and disparaged his work as Prime Minister. She also admitted that, after all that time, she still loved him...

Anyway, what do we think about this survey? Are woman better at conducting affairs (and getting away with them) because of their skills as liars?

Via the Daily Mail.

What Do We Think About Britain's Missing Top Model?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:21:00 GMT

Our first reaction was three words: a new low. But the more we think about the BBC's latest model reality show, premiering Tuesday night, the more we think it may be a largely positive idea...

The show, which is obviously a takeoff of America's Next Top Model, is unfortunately called Britain's Missing Top Model, which you would think means it's a detective show with the English version of Hayden Panettiere or something. Nope-- instead, it features

a woman whose arm was severed in a bus crash, another who is profoundly deaf and an aspiring film director who suffers from a degenerative neuro-muscular disorder, which means she is largely confined to a wheelchair. [News.com.au]

Great, promoting disability awareness by putting the cattiest girls alive in one apartment together? Once again, our assumptions seem to be incorrect:

Anyway, the title’s not the only baffling element of Britain’s Missing Top Model. To be frank, Britain’s Missing Top Model is a mess, and it all boils down to one, elemental problem: no lunatic sassy bitches. [Times UK]

Apparently, the producers put together mature, thoughtful, good-looking disabled women for the show-- there's no fighting or other fake drama on this show. Even so, are the producers still exploiting them for profit in the cruelest way or actually trying to have a decent reality show that presents the disabled in a positive light (i.e. "we can be cool and good looking, too" or whatever)?

What do you think?

Check Out The Top 10 Topless Socialists

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 20:41:00 GMT

It's a pretty weak list-- not all of these ten politicians and politically-connected socialists (in the most vague sense of the word) come sans shirt, but it's pretty funny and involves weird nude Italians, which is always welcome.

Surprisingly, these were the best photos they could find. However, there are more photos and more about these folks at Anorak.

Princess Eugenie's Endearing Nude Rampage

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:02:00 GMT

The English papers are in an uproar over Princess Eugenie's supposed nude "rampage" of last week. We here in America have a different word for it: we call it "college."

A senior staff member was woken by playful shrieks in the college grounds, and upon investigating found about a dozen young women dancing around without any clothes on. [via Telegraph]
“The girls had been drinking, possibly in a local pub, and decided to let their hair down.It was a couple of weeks ago just before people started taking their A-levels and some find exams all a bit stressful. For some reason they stripped off and started prancing about.” [via British Royal Wedding]

A royal source said: "It was nothing more than high jinks at the end of term in May. A group of them were reprimanded and that's the end of the matter." [Telegraph]

Yes, people, she's an eighteen-year-old girl in her (we're guessing) first year of university, having a bit of innocent fun in the buff, which is not immoral, not even in Britain. And, my God, hasn't the daughter of the Duke and Duchess of York suffered enough over the years, thanks to media scrutiny, a wild family life, and the pressures of royalty? Let's let her blow off some steam and, if she wants to stop allowing lame Photoshopping of her beautiful, natural curves (see bland, ultra-thin anti-Eugenie, pictured above) and ditch the oh-so-typical pretty boys, we are available for intercontinental iChat...

Mirror: Princess Eugenie Is Airbrushed

Telegraph: Princess Eugenie caught frolicking naked at school.

They Are What You Eat: Diets Can Change A Baby's Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 19:19:00 GMT

Do you eat a lot of calories? Well then, scientists in Britain say that means you're more likely to have one of these...

The sex of new babies is influenced by the mother's diet before she conceives, a new study suggests. According to a survey of 740 British mums to be, a high-calorie diet is more likely to lead to a baby boy in nine months' time.
The researchers are unsure of why this happens, although they suggest that it could be to do with levels of glucose in the blood. Male test-tube embryos generally require a more glucose-rich growth medium to survive in the lab — Mathews suspects that a similar process may operate in the uterus, so women with higher sugar levels are more likely to nurture a male embryo as it is implanted in the womb lining. [Nature News]

This article is way too intelligent for us to make snarky comments about... although that doesn't necessarily mean this study won't be debunked in six months or anything...

Via Nature News.

Eddie Izzard To Run For Parliament

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:33:00 GMT

It sounds like Eddie Izzard, the British comedian and star of FX's The Riches, will quit acting at the end of the show's run to launch a career in politics...

We're guessing that, based on his residency and outspoken nature, he'll run for Parliament.

Do you want to run for office?
Yeah. Don't you think I should?

Sure. Why not?
If you think I should and I think I should, then I should. I do like people and trying to make things work. We've got to make it work in Europe. People are very worried about sovereignty and the loss of sovereignty. I think the stakes are if we don't make the European Union work, then the world is screwed. End of story.

Do you have any big ideas for Europe?
Logical governance is the thing. It already exists. It's called subsidiarity, which is based on Catholic theology and is basically the idea that governance happens at its logical level.

Unfortunately, neither Barack Obama nor Hillary Clinton landed the big Eddie Izzard endorsement in the Newsweek piece. The comic simply says, "I want a Democrat to get in." (Ironically, it's the party's non-endorsement of one of the two candidates that will make it so much harder for a Democrat "to get in." Nonetheless, we're really looking forward to the "Stripped" tour, especially since we've never been a fan of his "Dress To Kill"/drag thing, as pictured above.)

Via Newsweek.

Rape = Chocolate Cake?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 15:29:00 GMT

The British National Party, "a far-right, whites-only party in the United Kingdom," [Wikipedia] is stirring up a hornet's nest full of stink with this latest social faux pas. It all started when some people with IQs above 14 got around to reading one candidate's blog...

"Rape is simply sex (I am talking about 'husband-rape' here)... Women enjoy sex, so rape cannot be such a terrible physical ordeal…To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting force-feeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous offence.”

Wow. We're not really sure which voters London Assembly candidate John Bull (yes, his real name) was trying to woo with this charming entry on his Blogspot page; Britain, as in America, does not have a large rapist voting bloc. We hope. Perhaps, as sources speculate, this was an attempt at "humor," an ancient Cossackian initiatian ritual, which is foreign to modern man.

In any case, Mr. Bull's response was the typical non-defense defense:

"It was never intended that each line be taken literally; that would be absurd."

Right, don't explain-- just say it was a joke. That'll end the discussion automatically. And make sure it's a great joke, like the one you heard at the urinal about how rape is like chocolate fucking cake.

Almost 80% of rapes are “acquaintance rapes,” or sexual acts forced upon women by someone they know. Partner/husband rapes are the most common... [Londonist]

I am no longer a candidate, an official or even a member of the BNP. [Bull's blog]

Way to stand by your statement without apology, show strength, and then to go into hiding because you believe in it so strongly. Making your party look wonderful, dude.

John Bull's Blog; the Londonist story.

The Heartwarming Story of A Debtor's Revenge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:30:00 GMT

It started out as a gag, a way for one anonymous man, allegedly in debt, to get back at Capitol One, but it quickly escalated into an internet sensation in Britain. The man posted the transcripts of his calls on an online forum devoted to money saving tips, where other users him on for several days. Then in March, a twist in the proceedings allowed the debtor to turn the tables on his tormentors and have the last laugh...

For the past two months, a poster under the name of "zincoxide" has been writing on the Money Saving Expert forum about his conversations with representatives of Debitas Legal Services. Debitas, which purports to be a debt collection agency although is in fact itself operated out of Capitol One, has been harassing "zincoxide" with up to 17 phone calls per day about his debt. What debt, says "Mr. X"? His card, he claims, "was used fraudulently" and he doesn't owe them a shilling. The fighting quickly turned ugly-- and off-the-wall funny, as per the below:

Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth?
Me: 25/12/00
Debitas: Sorry
Me: 25/12/00 - I am Jesus
Debitas: Sorry?
Me: That's Ok, I forgive all sins
Debitas: Is this Mr X
Me: You are speaking to Jesus
Debitas: Urm.....(hangs up)

No two calls are ever the same, nor does Mr. X/"zincoxide" ever repeat his characters, such as the old man who has lost his hearing aid:

Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth and post code?
Me: I don't really want to
Debitas: If it makes you feel any better, these details are available to the public on the electoral role
Me: Great! Why don't you confirm my details there and call me back!!
Debitas: How is that confirming your identity?
Me: Speak up
Debitas: (shouting) How is that confirming your identity?!
Me: I don't need to confirm my identity - I know who I am
Debitas: You are not helping yourself and you'll learn this in the future
Me: Oh dear - are you gonna send the boys around?
Debitas: A bailiff may be sent around
Me: Oh I hope he's the rugby type - does he have a firm bum?
Debitas: Keep your mobile on Mr X (hangs up)

Sometimes Debitas tries to call him back instantly to throw him off, but X always brings his A game. In one conversation, they ask him who he is and he replies, "the burglars." When they try to catch him faking by asking him to repeat his address, he deadpans, "I don't know, but there was a window open." The idiots amazingly continue to play along with his charades on every call. (Don't miss page 5, in which X pretends to be a Debitas operator that the Debitas rep has called by accident.)

Mr. X has tormented his equally anonymous callers by badly crooning "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"; answering under the guise of the STD helpline and inquiring as to the intensity of the caller's "burning sensation"; and forcing callers to mimic his mock-flamboyant "wassssupp" before answering any of their questions (they actually comply!) For 16 of the thread's 27 webpages, the two forces duke it out call by recorded cellphone call, until one side grudgingly admits defeat:

Debitas: Sorry sir - we are no longer dealing with this account
Me: Has it been passed on?
Debitas: The only notes I have on my screen are telling me we are no longer pursuing this debt
Me: Does that mean it's been passed back to capital one or you've sold it to someone else?
Debitas: It appears that we still have the debt but are no longer chasing payment

But Mr. X would not go gently into that good night. No, at this point, he'd gone from being upset to looking forward to their harassing calls, just so he could have a few laughs. He had to have one more, lest the whole thing ended with a whimper:

I decided that I would invoice Debitas for each call & text message I received after asking them to reply by letter ONLY. I have charged then £50 per call or text message and was amazed to find that it comes to £2450!! [Ed.: Note that this is far greater than Mr. X's debt.]
[T]he invoice... [gives] them 15 days to pay - after which time they will be charged interest at 8% per MONTH and I have also informed them that I am prepared to pass the invoice to a debt collection agency should they fail to pay.

Has anyone else out there turned the tables on collection agencies, telemarketers, or just your boring old neighborhood "breather"?

Half of English Men Would Trade Sex for TV

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 17:37:00 GMT

Maybe that woman in the UK who refuses to sleep with her husband is onto something: the husbands don't want to sleep with her either.

A new survey of folks across the pond finds 47% of their menfolk would give up a full six months of sex for the pleasure of a 50 inch television. Readers who are surprised by this revelation obviously have never seen Maria Bartiromo (pictured above) or, um, Mythbusters.

It should be noted that the study mentioned here was conducted by a television manufacturer and probably only surveyed married people, who aren't getting laid anyway. Two other things are interesting, though: only one third of women said they would give up sex for six months, compared to half of the men; and only a quarter of those surveyed said they would give up smoking.

Does that mean smoking is officially better than sex?