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Racist Small Town Hoodlums Getting Away with Murder

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:10:00 GMT

Brandon Piekarsky entering court before his acquittal on third-degree murder charges. Piekarsky's level of involvement in the killing is unclear, as he wasn't believed to have helped in the beating.

On July 12th, in Shenandoah, Pennsylvania, a group of white teenagers were walking home when they came across a young Hispanic man in the park with a teenage girl. One of them yelled out, "Isn't it a little late for you to be out? Get your Mexican boyfriend out of here."

The Mexican man, whose name was Luis Ramirez, became enraged and screamed back at them and began calling for backup. Eighteen-year-old Brian Scully then traded punches with Ramirez, with no one ever agreeing on how the fight actually got started. Derrick Donchak, then 19, jumped on top of the badly-beaten Ramirez and, with a piece of metal between his knuckles, began pummeling Ramirez's face. Miraculously, Ramirez was able to recover and the boys ran off, hurling more racial slurs back as they ran. This enraged Ramirez, who chased after them until a quick blow to the head from Colin Walsh, a 17-year-old component of the all-white group, wiped him out. While Ramirez was down, Scully (it is said by witnesses) kicked Ramirez in the head, causing him to foam at the mouth and convulse. He died as a result of that brutal blow.

At the boys' trial, no one seemed to dispute these facts (except which boy did what.) Nonetheless, the jury acquitted the accused of third degree murder and various other charges while convicting them of simple assault. The defendants and their families emerged from the courtroom triumphant, while legal observers say this was on obvious miscarriage of justice:

"There's been a complete failure of justice," said Gladys Limon, staff attorney for the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund, who attended the trial and informed Ramirez's family of the verdict. "It's just outrageous and very difficult to understand how any juror could have had reasonable doubt."

She said the evidence "clearly established that Luis Ramirez was brutally beaten."

Prosecutors cast Ramirez as the victim of a gang of drunken white teens motivated by a dislike of their small coal town's burgeoning Hispanic population. But the jury evidently sided with defense attorneys, who called Ramirez the aggressor and characterized the brawl as a street fight that ended tragically. [New York Daily News]
As Avery Friedman argues persuasively in the video from CNN yesterday, this was a pretty clear-cut case of jury nullification: the weight of evidence against the accused was so powerful that it's clear the all-white jury -- like similar juries in the South during the Civil Rights struggle -- was not going to convict two young white men of murdering a Mexican. Even if, as Friedman says, "the only reason he is dead is because he was Mexican." [Crooks and Liars]

Now, some activists are putting pressure on the state's Democratic Governor, Ed Rendell, to speak out about the hate crime. They believe the worst is still to come from a town that is almost 100% Caucasian and only 1% Hispanic...

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While You Were Sleeping: Flirting Caused That Plane Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Hurricane Ike may have caused a baby boom in Texas.

Playboy may cut back on the number of issues it puts out every year and raise the newsstand price. A truly sad day for America.

Holy balls! Dolph Lundgren had a penis slip!

It's time we started to boycott people who boycott Pepsi for it's "pro-gay and human rights agenda."

Sounds like many of the places we've worked: seven people were hospitalized when their work refrigerator cleanup proved to be horribly toxic and stankin'.

A toilet kneeler-- and what exactly would anyone need this for?

The plane crash in Buffalo may have been caused by a middle-aged co-pilot hitting on his young female co-pilot. Oh, and the fact that the guy was basically unqualified to fly commercial planes might have been a contributing factor.

And remind us what Sarah Palin has accomplished beyond being elected Governor after running a tiny village into the ground that warrants a "memoir?"

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Son of the Montauk Monster!

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

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This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke just gave us another reason to hate his awful company-- he signed a petition to ban gay adoptions in Arkansas.

A gay porn star attending college has received a reported 150 hate e-mails from so-called "good Christians."

Bigots like Rick Warren and Sarah Palin are among Time's 100 Most Influential People.

Moron Republican Congressman Steve King thinks gays wouldn't get "bashed" so much if they just stopped acting so gay (never mind that many hate crime victims are straight people mistaken for homosexuals.) Jon Stewart, thankfully, had something to say about this.

Kudos to Britain for banning hatemonger and violence-inciting shout machine Michael Savage from entering their country ever again.

A McDonald's in Kentucky settled with two patrons who were called "faggots" by restaurant staff.

By the way, we heard that the Democratic Governor of New Hampshire might veto the gay marriage bill. Anyone else heard this?

The most trusted Mom(s) in America? Portia and Ellen:

With 31%, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi took the top spot. Rounding out the list were Jennifer Aniston (22%), Rachel Ray (20%), Angelina and Brad (18%) and coming in last was Oprah Winfrey with 9%. [Strollerderby]

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AZ Gov. Candidate Posts Topless Photo of His Roommate on Flickr

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:33:00 GMT

John Paul Mitchell, 30, teaches yoga and is studying for his doctorate at the University of Sedona. He is not your typical Republican candidate, particularly since he is running against a newly-ascended state leader, Jan Brewer, who took over for Democrat Janet Napolitano when Napolitano accepted a cabinet post. He also isn't your typical politician-- he maintains a Flickr account, which he updates with campaign and personal photos on the same page.

Normally, this would be no big deal... until a photo of a topless woman appeared on the page.

Mitchell claims that the photo, which was deleted before we could at least see it and tell you what it looked like, is of Mitchell's female roommate. The candidate, who has a girlfriend, says the flatmates share an account on the site and that she posted it and meant to make it private, but forgot to. Or something. It all sounds a bit suspicious-- too many lapses in judgment for that to happen. Obviously, it sounds like he took an illicit picture of his roommate, a woman he admits to sleeping with in the past, and posted it to what he thought was a private, blocked-off area of his Flickr account. Not saying she didn't consent, but that's possible.

In any case, he had to play damage control in the news media all day yesterday:

Why would she post topless photos to the Flickr account?

Because she has hundreds of photographs on there. She uploads pictures from family gatherings, to vacations, to self-taken pictures. What she does in the privacy of our home or elsewhere is her personal business.

Again, the picture was meant to be flagged as private and not viewable by the public.

Why do you have a shared account?

Because I initially set it up for my use, but later allowed her to use the Flickr account to have an online storage space for her photography.

Did you and the woman ever date or have a romantic relationship?

Yes, at one point, we were involved romantically. However, we made a mutual agreement that it was best we remain only friends. Our friendship is going on its sixth year and we consider each other best friends.

At this point, the woman has yet to speak out. One has to wonder what her take on all this is-- is she embarrassed into silence or being asked by the candidate not to comment, for fear of keeping the story going? Or is she secretly furious about the photo ending up on his Flickr account? His account, by the way, can be seen here.

Via AZ Central.

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Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:50:00 GMT

Back in 2005, radical right-wing protofascist Christian Neal Horsley admitted to FoxNews anchor Alan Colmes that he had, at the age of 11 in 1955, engaged in unlawful carnal knowledge with a mule. In other words, he raped a mule and confessed to the crime on live radio.

That hasn't stopped the scary-as-hell Georgian from announcing he is running for Governor...

NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."

NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"

AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."

All his opponents have to do to get rid of Horsley (oh, if only it had been an equestrian indiscretion!) is to send that interview out as a mailer for three days straight at the end of the campaign. Of course, Horsley isn't much of a challenger-- he's running on the Creator's Rights Party platform. And his campaign is going about as well as David Paterson's in New York. From Daily Kos:

"We're talking about the mule now?"

Yes, he says. The mule.

"A small mule?" I ask.

"No, a full grown mule," he says. "She loved me, though."

We both laugh, but I'm still trying to figure out the logistics. How big is this thing? The size of a horse, he says.

"All I had to do was give her an ear of corn." He laughs again. "She was a [prostitute] mule."

"How did you reach?"

"I don't know... I stood on something. The kicker is, as soon as I was done she pissed all over me. It was embarrassing. I never told anyone that before."

Not only that, but Horsley has had sex with men. He was in the Air Force, it was a cold night, yadda, yadda, yadda, he had sex with him, ahem, the way he did the mule. "It was gross," he says.

It should come as no surprise to our readers, all of whom have read stories here about right-wing hypocrites and their laughably ignorant world views, to learn that this is a man who has been linked to the murderers of abortion doctors, thanks to his involvement with the Army of God, and is known to express anti-gay views. He's also the modern-day equivalent of a Confederate traitor to the United States, since he advocates secession over the legalization of abortion and told an interviewer he would kill his Army-Sarge son if sonny boy was sent out to stop him.

Asked if he was ready to sacrifice his own son in a national insurrection, Horsley recounts a fight with his son where he almost killed him.

“I was one foot from killing my own son, or hurting him really, really bad,” Horsley told Krider. “If he would have attacked me again, I would have stuck him. Or cut him or sliced him or done something to stop him. That’s the point, you[r] hypothetical has literally already been worked out with me, and that’s what makes me different from the other candidates for Governor. They understand I’m not like no politician they have looked at, ever. I am prepared to do a John Brown. I’m not prepared to do an Abe Lincoln and talk out both sides of my mouth and try to get a majority together. I’m looking for the people who are prepared to go with me and take over the foundry, then set up shop and prepare to fight to the death. I’ll do it.” [Raw Story]

He is prepared to do a John Brown? Where is law enforcement when you need him? If we still have legalized executions in this country, why not put this guy on the list, for treason? Just kidding, that would be stooping to his level... or, should we say, "standing on something to get at him?"

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:39:00 GMT

Kelis is divorcing Nas, even though she's seven month's pregnant with his baby.

If you're (still) a Tori Amos fan, get her new single via free download.

Ladies, you should (apparently) be washing your bras more than every-other-month, okay?

The world's oldest Benedictine month finally got bored of this world at the age of 108.

Milla Jovovich's nude past has been unearthed. Again.

A male lawyer who let his female client work off her debt to him via sex has been disbarred.

How nice it must be to be the son of two celebrities: Redmond O'Neil will not have to go to jail for heroin possession, DUIs, and other charges.
There's a two-year-old girl in Mensa, thanks to her 156 IQ.

And Gavin Newsom's wife's porno (we wish it was really a porno instead of a B-movie with some chaste sex scenes) is back in the news again thanks to the SF Mayor's Gubernatorial run.

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This Week in Gayness: Boycott Jamaica

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 19:42:00 GMT

Gawker broke down the Amazon gay scandal.

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, who, as we reported earlier this week, is locked in a bitter divorce battle with the state's First Lady, doesn't "believe in" domestic partnership benefits.

A ruling on the legality of Prop 8 could come as early as Monday.

David Paterson introduced the gay marriage bill today in New York.

Has anyone besides us been cracking the hell up about all this "teabagging" business-- and not just because the Republicans are so unintentionally hilarious?

Gay marriage in Iowa has everyone riled up, especially the crazies.

Stop drinking Myers Rum and Red Stripe beer, say the owners of the Stonewall Inn.

An 11-year-old boy killed himself after enduring homophobic taunting in school.

Oh my God! There's a fucking gay elephant! Let's freak the fuck out about it for no reason!

Who Knew There Were So Many California Doctors Against Gay Marriage? [VIDEO]

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Nevada Governor's Sex Scandal May Top Eliot Spitzer's

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:50:00 GMT

Jim Gibbons, Republican Governor of Nevada and accused sexual assailant, is one helluva piece of work. We've previously told you about Gibbons and an incident involving a waitress who claims she was assaulted and told to "shut up" by the Governor one night in a parking garage, although no charges were filed.

Now, the juicy details of the Gibbons family divorce are burning up the wire...

Mrs. Dawn Gibbons was sick of Gibbons and his philandering, although it was the Governor who filed for divorce last spring. Nonetheless, she has a bone to pick with him about his affairs with two specific women, although more infidelities are alleged.

1) One woman received approximately 860 texts from Gibbons's state-issued cell. When this information first came to light, Romeo was forced to reimburse $130. According to USA Today, Gibbons denies these were love notes.

2) As depicted in the photograph above, the Love Gov. is alleged to have snatched up a colleague's ex-wife: specifically the ex-wife of Reno's Mayor, who happens to be Leslie Durant, a former Playboy bunny and, we believe, Miss September 1989, something not reported in the mainstream media. (See here for a blog that discusses their relationship and outs her as 9/89's girl.) UPDATE: It has come to our attention that someone other than a Leslie Durant was Miss September that year, although there is a variety of evidence Leslie Durant (probably under her maiden name) appeared in Playboy that month.

Let us remind everyone that it's better to break up with someone than to cheat on them and try to get away with it. Gibbons hasn't learned that lesson from Bill Clinton or Spitzer, apparently.

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eBay Removes Kerry Katona's Breast Implant

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:04:00 GMT

Kerry Katona did two things right: one, she went on MTV in the UK and had her 34-double-G's removed. Those fake boobs were ridiculous and very unattractive (to our minds.)

The second thing she did was even more inspired-- she autographed one of those implants and put it on eBay for The Breast Cancer Campaign...

According to Fox News, which we will quote from here so you don't have to give them any of your page views, eBay then did the dumbest thing imaginable: it pulled the auction.

"The implant was on eBay and I believe the idea was to raise money for Breast Cancer Campaign," a rep for the charity told Tarts. "However eBay have now taken the item off because people were putting fake bids in, £8 million ($11.34 million US) at one point."

But according to eBay it wasn’t bogus bidders that resulted in the item being removed, it was actually Katona who broke the rules.

"Our policy team weighed in and said that this auction was removed for the Charity Violation contained within the item description as there was no letter of written consent by eBay's Office of the President to allow the item to be sold under our Charity guidelines," an eBay rep told Tarts.

Oh, shut up, eBay. You're just a bunch of conservative whimps that always side with the ripoff artists when they claim to have never received expensive items from honest sellers. And your conservative founder is running to further ruin the state of California as a Republican governor. eBay, you should know, we have negative feedback to give you.

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This Week In Gayness: Sean Penn vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 17:31:00 GMT

Is former New York City Mayor Ed Koch gay? Does anyone even care at this point?

Scariest hate crime suspect of all-time? This guy: "So I killed somebody - that makes me a bad guy?" We're against the death penalty, so let's hope he gets brutally beaten in prison every day for the next fifty years.

Lesbians in Massachusetts are suing the US government because they aren't allowed to check "Married, filing jointly" to save money on their taxes. (See similar post from yesterday.)

The Family Resources Council thinks prosecuting hate crimes is the same as prosecuting people for thought crimes. Yes, because when you drag a lesbian out of her car, rape her repeatedly for being a lesbian, beat her up and leave her for dead, you're only thinking it.

James Dobson is retiring from Focus on the Family. But we won't forget about him.

Our idea of a good time might occasionally involve a gay bar, but never when we're in Galveston, Texas.

All Sean Penn wants is to make Harvey Milk's birthday Harvey Milk Day. It's the least Gov. Ahnuld could do, right?

Meanwhile, California is doing what it can to stop Prop 8. First, the legislature did this. Tomorrow, the state will be in court to do this and hopefully help these people.

The next Mormons versus the gays battle? This time it'll be over civil unions in Illinois.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:45:00 GMT

The vandalization of a gay youth center on Long Island is being investigated as a possible hate crime.

Fleshbot has TV's hottest girl-on-girl makeout moments.

Cops are cruising dudes at New York City sex shops. The undercovers are entrapping them for prostitution charges by mentioning that they will pay for sex, then waiting approximately two seconds before other cops jump the gay guys and arrest them.

A junkie is whining that gays adopted her kids.

Is it time to boycott Fedex?

Gay marriage is legal in Canada, but even that didn't stop a Manitoba doctor for refusing to even treat lesbians.

Meanwhile, in another part of Canada, an interesting decision on sperm donors.

ESPN produced an ad starring Shaquille O'Neal that will blow your mind, once you realize it was made in the 21st century.

And new Illinois Governor Patrick Quinn keeps looking better and better: turns out he's a big fan of the gays.

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Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse vs. Norway

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:17:00 GMT

All right, let's wrap up the new year with a deluge of crazy celebrity, sex, and celebrity sex news around:

Charles Barkley, rumored to be gearing up to run for Governor of 'Bama, was arrested for DUI in Arizona.

The list of the 19 worst Americans of 2008 is hard to argue with.

Wayne Bent, the leader of religious sect, was sentenced to ten years in prison for laying on a bed (and nothing more, supposedly) with two naked teenage girls.

Video games, even shooting games, cause people to have poor body image.

Congratulations to Sam Adams, the new Mayor of Portland, apparently the first openly gay man to ascend to that office in the country.

We all know these pervert teachers send text messages to underage students. What we never know is what they actually wrote.

Amy Winehouse faces drug charges in Norway on January 12th. They actually think she's going to show?!

And will 2009 be the year Flight of the Conchords becomes a cultural phenomenon? Let's make it our collective New Year's resolution, people.

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Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:36:00 GMT

The adults at one Georgia Middle School have found a way around the no-sex-on-the-job rule: just set up an inflatable mattress in an unused room.

Bush used to be a drunk, as we all know, but now he isn't afraid to talk about it. This guy has nothing left to lose-- he's more dangerous than ever.

The stars are coming out for Obama's inaugural...

Anne Hathaway, Susan Sarandon, Marcia Cross, Tim Robbins, Seal, Adrian Grenier, Ashley Judd, Jane Krakowski, Rachael Leigh Cook, Blair Underwood and directors Spike Lee and Ron Howard are confirmed. And that's just a partial list of the hosts for an unofficial inaugural ball.

Elvis Costello is the headliner and rock stars Sting and Sam Moore will also appear, according to The Creative Coalition. The ball is a fundraising event for the nonprofit arts and entertainment advocacy group.

The event will kick off in Washington's Harman Center of the Arts the night of Jan. 20, when Obama is sworn is as the nation's 44th president. Musical guests are scheduled to perform until midnight.

As if you needed a reason to stop buying a shitty magazine like Us Weekly.

If there really is such a thing as the "liberal media," why is this story about the Head of Homeland Security hiring illegal immigrants only on Daily Kos?

Is the Governor of Ilinois innocent? Of course not, but he may not be found guilty either, if you listen to these kooky law professors.

92% of women masturbate. Yep, this is a very big news day.

Amy Adams, if you didn't enjoy your first marriage proposal, we'll gladly show you how its done.

And is this guy real or Photoshopped to death? He looks like a bad Jenny Craig ad personified. Metro UK seems to think he's the real deal: a 69-year-old buff mofo.

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Governor of Illinois Arrested Over Obama Senate Appointment... And That's Not Even the Weirdest Story

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:51:00 GMT

Check out this weird Exorcist bobblehead doll.

Rush Limbaugh is engaged to an Ann Coulter impersonator.

The Governor of Illinois is free on $4,500 bail, which he could raise by selling one minute of his time to somebody in his waiting room.

Note to Salon: we don't need any more stories about women who are celibate because they are afraid of dating.

Hugh Hefner's daughter resigned as head of Playboy. Even she hates that shit reality show.

The housing crisis prepares to claim an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition home.

And Jessica Biel is reportedly topless in a new movie... meaning, more topless than she is in these screenshots from the trailer for her new movie. Justin's gonna be so piiiiissed.

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Governor of Illinois Arrested Over Obama Senate Appointment... And That's Not Even the Weirdest Story

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:44:00 GMT

If this is a story about the very corrupt (allegedly, of course) Governor of Illinois, why are you looking at a picture of Fran Drescher?

First, the very strange breaking political story of the morning:

An official says Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich (bluh-GOY'-uh-vich) has been arrested in Chicago on corruption charges stemming from the selection of the successor to President-elect Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat.
U.S. Attorney's office spokesman Randall Samborn says both Blagojevich and his chief of staff John Harris were arrested Tuesday. Authorities aren't yet releasing details about those charges. However, a federal law enforcement official tells The Associated Press the governor is accused of corruption charges. The official says the charges stem from the selection process of a successor to Obama.
Federal prosecutors have investigated Blagojevich's administration for at least three years. They've been looking at everything from how he hired people for state jobs to the actions of friends and contributors. [NYTimes]

(The Huffington Post adds that he was "conspiring to financially benefit" from the appointment and for threatening to illegally withhold state assistance in the matter of the sale of Wrigley Field to the Tribune Company.)

He was already under investigation for corruption in an unrelated case, so what does he do? Apparently, it's not realize that he may have a stoolie in the house or a tap on his phone and take some more bribes, this time from... wait, how is this corruption? Did Jesse Jackson, Jr. offer him a bribe? We find it hard to believe Tammy Duckworth, the Iraq War vet serving in the state of Illinois would've entered into a corrupt bargain, but maybe. And maybe it's not even involving an actual candidate-- just someone who wanted to influence the decision.

In an unrelated story, Fran Drescher has expresed interest in being appointed to Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. We're dead serious. Here's the report from CNN, which is so insane, even they can't keep a straight face:

No, seriously.

"Fran Drescher, actress, women's health advocate and public diplomacy envoy for the U.S. State Department, announced that she is throwing her hat into the ring of contenders for the senate seat being vacated by Secretary of State-designate Hillary Rodham Clinton," Drescher spokesman Jordan Brown told CNN in a written statement late Monday.
Drescher, 51, is best known for her starring role in the 1990s television comedy "The Nanny" and an adenoidal voice that could strip the rust off an engine block — a talent that might come in handy during a Senate filibuster.

But since a bout with uterine cancer, she has become an activist for better health care for women and was named a State Department public envoy on the issue in September. Drescher recently toured Eastern European countries to raise awareness of the issue on behalf of the State Department. [CNN]

She has no chance whatsoever of being appointed by the Governor of New York, but that won't stop Chuck Schumer from breathing a sigh of relief when another person is named. After all, he's probably looking forward to having easier competition for press competition than Hillary Clinton...

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New Study Claims Women Don't Care For (Sick) Men

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 14:47:00 GMT

Get your typing fingers ready to comment on this one...because a survey that finds that women don't have any sympathy for men, aren't willing to take days off for them, and think sick men are pathetic is bound to be divisive...

The finds:

52% of women lose interest in tending to a sick male partner after only five minutes
18% of women are never interesting in tending to a sick male partner, not even for five seconds
70% of men ceaselessly support a sick female partner
60% of men do housework and 64% cook dinners they wouldn't have cooked if their partner was well
37% of men would take a day off while only 19% of women would the same for a sick man
56% of women would say bail on a Girl's Night Out while 73% of men would stand their guy friends up

Angry yet?

Almost three in 10 (29 per cent) take one look at him and think “he’s going to be grumpy all day” the survey found, while 28 per cent just think “hurry up and get better”, and one in 10 men claims to have been told not to be a hypochondriac.

Men by contrast present themselves as saintlike in comparison with 48 per cent claiming their first thought is “poor thing” when their partner is unwell, although only 13 per cent of women said their partners had looked after them.

What do you think of this (CRAZY LOONEY) survey, conducted for a new cold medicine called Lemsip Max All In One... which claims to work in five minutes?

Actual conversation about this:

She: "You know, a lot of males are raised to deny vulnerability, which includes times of sickness.They expect the women they are in a relationship with to be tough about it as well... so they're not as sympathetic. They think women should just tough it out."

He: "Yeah, but the survey talks about how women see the whining guy, the whimpering and pain and they stop being sympathetic immediately. In my view, this may be because they like their guys to be strong and not, obviously, whiners... so when that does a complete one-eighty, they wanna get outta there and go to work."

She: "But women are the caretakers. They'll take care of the kids. That's such bullshit about more men will cook dinner when women are sick than women will cook when it's the reverse. I don't buy that women will cook less if the man is sick."

We have to agree with that.

More here. Photo via SF Gate.

While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Wants To Be Used... For Her Brain

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The guy who ate the last mango in Paris passed away in Key West. (By the way, to get the song out of your head, listen to it here.)

See, raising a public stink does send the right message sometimes: a baby born in India to a surrogate mother was allowed to leave with her Japanese father, even though the law says her mother was supposed to accompany here.

Guess who helped Ryan Reynolds at the New York City Marathon? And no, it wasn't Scarlett Johansson...

"(During the race) I thought a lot about my father [who had Parkinson's] and Michael and the 500,000 other people afflicted with this awful disease in the United States alone. I ran for those who can't...

"When I saw Michael J. Fox on Fifth Avenue, I gained about 15 pounds in goose bumps. It kind of pushed me through the last six miles or so."

It's possible a man with the last name of Kennedy could have just set George W. Bush's public disgrace in motion...

A judge has ordered the Justice Department to produce White House memos that provide the legal basis for the Bush administration's post-Sept. 11 warrantless wiretapping program.
U.S. District Judge Henry Kennedy Jr. signed an order Friday requiring the department to produce the memos by the White House legal counsel's office by Nov. 17. He said he will review the memos in private to determine if any information can be released publicly without violating attorney-client privilege or jeopardizing national security.

Kennedy issued his order in response to lawsuits by civil liberties groups in 2005 after news reports disclosed the wiretapping.

Paris Hilton says men used her for sex. That's just not true, dear, we love you for your brilliant intellect.

Circuit City is going to close more than 150 stores, rumor has it.

The more we hear about Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno movie, the better it sounds. Check out where he ended up yesterday. By the way, the above photo is of Governor Ahnuld getting accosted by Bruno and the Bruno film crew: some say it was staged for the film, which is entirely possible, although Schwarzenneger has not made a cameo in years. We, however, want to remind you that the Governor of California could never act well enough to make the above, very-convincing "distress face" on cue...

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It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:10:00 GMT

We're busy getting ready for the debate tonight... stocking our liquor cabinets, preparing pancakes, you know, the usual...

We don't have time to tell you all about the other amazing stories going on in the world right now. The stories that involve Sacha Baron Cohen's invasion of an Italian fashion show... Wonkette's most hilarious debate watch party drinking game... Johnny Cash's beyond-the-grave meditation on freedom... and much more...

But we'll give you a varrry nice taste...

Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno crashed the Iceberg show in Milan and walked the runway in that hilarious outfit. He was soon escorted out, but not before footage was captured for his totally ridonkulous new movie film... [Telegraph]

People Magazine released a beautiful and preachy recording of Johnny Cash reciting "I Am the Nation."

Fark has video of the first 1992 VP debate, which is apparently going to be somehow similar to this evening's Presidential battle. Meanwhile, Wonkette's drinking game for tonight is the greatest thing they've ever come up with.

A press report indicates the McCain campaign is in utter "chaos" following McCain's decision to suddenly fly to the site of the debate.

And a candidate for governor of Bangkok has pulled a McCain and suspended her electorial fight after her campaign manager drowned during a publicity stunt. The campaign manager was swimming in a canal with the candidate call attention to the area's unsafe drinking water when he began flailing his arms. TV cameras and onlookers assumed the worker was goofing off and didn't rush to help until after he had long since disappeared. The campaign manager, by the way, has a seven-months-pregnant wife. Damn.

That is all.

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McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Which Candidate Spends More on Make-Up Than We Do On Shoes?

BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

While You Were Sleeping: Ciara's Naked Vibe Cover

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:43:00 GMT

We still have a long way to go, baby: gay marriage is not equal to straight marriage in California and Massachusetts... at least when it comes to taxes.

Inspired by Radiohead's slap at the record industry, Michael Moore will post his next movie online for free. We think it's called "Sicko II: The John McCain Story."

And aren't we past this, especially with a female Vice Presidential candidate on the Republican ticket?

Kacy Stuart, a freshman at New Creation Center, a private Christian school, had practiced as a kicker for two months before being told by Hank St. Denis, executive board chairman of the Georgia Football League, that she would not be permitted to play.
Her mother vows to take the League to court.

A new study indicates there is no link between those who are given the measles vaccine and autism.

Check out Screengrab's amusing look at the top films about school for the R-rated crowd.

The Governor of Texas is weighing whether he should stay the execution of an inmate. The inmate's trial, by the way, was marred by the relationship (sexual!) between the prosecutor and the judge. Oh, and here's a little Texas justice for ya: the Governor knows the inmate's appeals hearing is scheduled for after the inmate's scheduled execution.

We saw a headline scrolling along a building this morning: Breaking news: 84,000 new unemployed filings in August; rate jumps to 6.1%. Can't be good for the McCain campaign to wake up to after that speech.

Isn't that a bizarre cover? If the McCain campaign can fool people into thinking Tina Fey is actually his VP, he's got it all locked up...

And Ciara dishes on her relationship with 50 Cent on an (all nude) cover story for Vibe...

Video of the Day: Tracy Morgan Responds to Tina Fey on SNL

Who Would You Rather?: Evangeline Lilly In A Manshirt or Tina Fey Scarfing A Sandwich

The Next Big Star: Marisol Nichols

Howard Schatz Reminds Us How Much Steamier Sex Is Underwater

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 14:02:00 GMT

This is nothing against Sarah Palin-- after all, all GOP candidates are a little bit frightening, a little bit awesome in their determination and genuine will to make the world a better place-- but is she doomed?

No one here in Minneapolis is even talking about the convention. Every conversation at every restaurant in town is centered around one question: what's going to happen to Governor Palin, what with all these rumors and controversies that are swirling around her...

First, there was this e-mail, which we received from reader profrobert on Friday, alerting us to the possibility that Palin's fifth daughter, born less than five months ago, is not hers.

But what would be even more incredible is if it's NOT true: http://www.ktuu.com/global/story.asp?s=8194634

This means her water broke in Texas. She hung around to give a 30-minute speech. She then went to the airport and GOT ON A PLANE. TO ALASKA. I don't know where she was in Texas, but DFW-ANC non-stop is a seven-hour flight.

He makes a great point: who is this person who has her water break and then waits around not only to give a speech but for a plane to take her across most of the entire fucking continent. Her husband claims that a) they just wanted the baby to be 100% Alaskan and b) that his daughter's five month or so absence from school was the result of a bad case of mono. Suuuuuuure it was...

So, of course, the liberal blogosphere goes batshit over the story but no mainstream media outlet wants anything to do with it. Gustav sweeps Palin off the front pages, then the RNC delay further buries the rumors. Meanwhile, Palin is at a rally where she doesn't address the rumors but causes another stir by saying:

“Then we have our daughter Bristol, she’s on the bus with the newborn, and then we have our daughter Willow, who is here, and our youngest daughter Piper,” Ms. Palin said as she introduced her family. “On that bus we have our son, Trig, who is a beautiful baby boy we welcomed into the world just in April..."

Of course, Palin's phrasing would've been completely normal under any other circumstances. But conspiracy theorists flipped again, saying Palin wasn't even saying the words "her" and "baby" one after the other, implying that perhaps Palin is setting herself up to eventually confess to lying. Meanwhile, photos showing that Palin had no baby bump during her pregnancy were all deleted from the Governor's official websites. (We are trying our best to stay out of this, but must add that we defy anyone to locate photos of Palin in the nine months leading up to April 2008 in which she appears pregnant. As soon as an un-Photoshopped photo comes our way, we'll believe her version of the events.)

Then, the bigger story: Palin announces the same daughter is currently five month's pregnant, thus ruling out the possibility of Bristol having already given birth just a few months ago. And while we believe this, again, it doesn't rule out the possibility that Palin is lying: after all, no one is going to ask her to prove conception date. For all we know, she's really only a few months pregnant and that, by the time the baby's born, it will be too late for anyone to stop Palin from becoming Vice President because of the lie. (Side note: Bristol's boyfriend is a self-proclaimed "redneck" who says on his MySpace profile that he doesn't want kids. Wonderful.)

Meanwhile, the Troopergate story (as winking bloggers are referring to it), the mere mention of which earned us a drubbing from her supporters in a previous post, has knocked the pregnancy story off the front pages, albeit for a fairly innocus reason: Palin just now hired a lawyer to defend her in the two-month old investigation. Hmmm....

In any case, the liberal HuffPo has realized Palin is a weak spot on the ticket (we've heard that from numerous fence sitters among the Minneapolis public.) Here's what their front page looked like in the wee hours of this morning:

... TOP GOP GOVERNOR: I'VE HEARD NO DISCUSSION ABOUT REMOVING MS. PALIN FROM THE TICKET ...

'Fringe' Alaskan Secessionist Party: Palin Was A Member... Almost Recalled As Mayor... Directed Fundraising For Indicted Senator's 527... Troopergate Scandal... Calls Iraq A War For Oil... Admits She Hasn't 'Really Focused On Iraq'... Alaska National Guard General: Palin Plays No Role In National Defense... 17 Year-Old Daughter Pregnant...

Also, did you guys hear the Fox News commentator and others pick up the talking point that Palin has "national security experience" because Alaska is "so close to" Russia? What? That's like saying Scanner Nicole and I have foreign policy experience because we're located near Denmark.

All this adds up to one thing: Palin, as a VP candidate, is in trouble. The rumors we're hearing from reliable GOP sources center on two possibilities: 1) Palin may drop out, citing family commitments, and time this withdrawal so that McCain's second choice will be accepted without question by GOP leadership, for fear of losing the election if they don't immediately unite or 2) Palin will continue to cause McCain problems to the point where he will drop Palin himself, but in favor of a female candidate or even Joe Lieberman.

While both seem highly unlikely events, either of them is much less far-fetched now than they were even 24 hours ago...

We'll have more on this story during the next two days of convention coverage...

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Scanner Roundtable: What Did We Think About The DNC & Obama's Speech?

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Today in WTF: Ex-Candidate For Kentucky Gov. Arrested For Sex Offenses After Obvious Joke

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 19:57:00 GMT

Our first reaction: ha ha, perv.

Our second reaction: this is a travesty of justice! A man's life and career are at stake...

Here's the lowdown, you tell us if he isn't either a) completely lying or b) the people pressing charges against him should be the ones in prison:

1) Otis "Bullman" Hensley, pictured above in one of many campaign photos featuring riding, yes, a bull, was charged with attempting to lure a thirteen-year-girl and her eleven-year-old sister into “illegal sexual activity." Hensley, a two-time failed candidate for Governor of Kentucky, called the allegations a "misunderstanding."

Here's the part where you say: "what part of 'you show me yours and I'll show you mine' is every misunderstood?" Okay, now read on:

2) The incident in question took place in a supermarket, where Hensley was making off-the-cuff remarks while trying to win over the annoyed locals:

“The one girl turned around and looked at me and smiled,” Hensley said. “I said ‘Ma'am, do you want to trade them girls for a good fattening hog?' and then I went on into the meat department. That was all that was said.”
(The phrase may be a reference to the long-ago practice of giving farm animals as part of a dowry.)
Hensley said the grandmother became upset and went to tell the girls' father about his comment.
He said he followed the family out of the store and then to the courthouse trying to apologize.
He meant nothing sexual, he said, and uses the phrase often as a joke and a means to “cut up with people” in the county, where he is well-known for his unorthodox campaign style. Just before going into the grocery store, he made the same comment to a woman and young girl in the bank, he said. [Herald Leader]

It would be easy to make jokes about how humorous remarks revolving around farm animals and sex usually don't go over big in states like Kentucky, but...

In any case, Hensley was busted for first-degree unlawful transaction with a minor-- guess what? That's a felony, punishable by up to 20 years in prison. Speaking of prison, as of press tim, Hensley was still in jail, kept separate from the lynch mob known as the prison population, awaiting a mere $15,000 in bail money...

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New York to Follow California in Legalizing Gay Marriage?

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 May 2008 15:16:00 GMT

No, not exactly, but the Empire State is one step closer to being as cool as California.

New New York Governor David Patterson has told state agencies to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states and countries where it is legal.

The governor's legal counsel told state agencies in a May 14 memo to revise policies and regulations to recognize same-sex marriages performed in California and Massachusetts as well as Canada and other countries that allow gays and lesbians to marry, said Erin Duggan, the governor's spokeswoman.

The memo informed state agencies that failing to recognize gay marriages would violate the New York's human rights law, Duggan said.

The directive follows a February ruling from a New York state appeals court. That decision says that legal same-sex marriages performed in other jurisdictions are entitled to recognition in New York.

While this isn't the best possible news for gay New Yorkers, it's pretty great news. And while Paterson isn't the hero of gay rights, at least he's not the bad guy, right? Smooth move, DP.

[CNN: New York to recognize gay marriages]

Emergency "Which NY Governor Would You Rather" Re-Vote

Katie Halper — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 15:03:00 GMT

Earlier this week, we asked you which extra-maritally engaged New York Governor you would rather "get behind." In case you missed it:

Now that Spitzer has been de-governized for "going after prostitution" a little overzealously, David Paterson has come clean about his extra-marital affairs. This, of course, begs the question: which NY Governor would you rather? The sexy Spitz? Or David "he's so hot he's legally blinding" Paterson?

We want to make sure you are informed voters. So before you cast your vote, look long and hard at their photographic record, which we should have included.

And remember. It's not the size of the governorship. It's the motion of the ~~ocean~~ gubernatorial motion.

Sloppy Seconds: How One Man Got-R-Dun

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 21:44:00 GMT

New New York Governor David Paterson may owe his campaign fund $103.87 in principal and interest for monies borrowed during his extra-marital trysts. The Scanner collection plate is headed your way. We can all afford to throw in a few bucks to keep this guy around, right?

A man apparently hanged himself yesterday on a construction site owned by actor/ director/ Christian crusader Mel Gibson. Maybe he thought that he was closer to Jesus on Gibson-owned property?

How did Floyd Beebs come to have "Git-R-Dun" tattooed on his forehead?

Why, he did lots of crystal meth, of course.

Charges have been filed against the Kansas man who allowed his girlfriend to sit on the toilet for two years straight. "The only thing I am guilty of is I didn't get her help sooner," he told the press. Um, yes.

Not only is it the first day of spring, it's Wear a Sweater Day, in honor of Mr. Rogers' 80th birthday. We're going to put on a light cardigan and make the most of this beautiful day.

Which New York Governor Would You Rather?

Katie Halper — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:02:00 GMT

And the hits just keep on coming! Now that Spitzer has been de-governized for "going after prostitution" a little overzealously, David Paterson has come clean about his extra-marital affairs. This, of course, begs the question: which NY Governor would you rather? The sexy Spitz? Or David "he's so hot he's legally blinding" Paterson?

Which governor would you give your vote to?

Deep "That's What SHE Said" Thoughts On... Spitzer

Katie Halper — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 20:10:00 GMT

It's too bad that Eliot Spitzer didn't use his gubernatorial powers to legalize prostitution in New York. But, like all men, Spitzer was thinking with his "other head" when he joined the Emperors Club VIP list. Of course, now, since Scanner Bryan broke the story, it's too late. But it would have been a good idea. Another opportunity Spitz squandered would have been portraying his act of sin as an act of resistance, a protest against our punitive and puritanical society's punishment of prostitution.

In all seriousness, though, isn't it time we made prostitution legal? Does anyone honestly think there will ever be a deterrent strong enough to stop people from seeking out sex? I know this isn't an original idea, but if we acknowledge that prostitution isn't going away, why not legalize it? Scanners, what's your vote? Is it time to Nevada-ize New York? Or should we keep prosecuting prostituting?