Scanner : george w bush

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 14:09:00 GMT

Jason Segel has no luck with women, claims the Post.

Really dig this Tropic of Cancer-inspired photo. [NSFW]

George W. Bush is writing a book on "the most important decisions of his presidency." Since those were all made by Cheney, we wonder why they're calling this an autobiography.

It was a setup. Big Joe is gonna be so pissed.

Ooh, Twilight fans-- some of the cast may be sneaking into the midnight DVD release parties.

Three people robbed Victoria's Secret of $3,400 worth of panties.

Natasha Richardson died from a skiing injury yesterday at age 45.

John Mayer Tweeted that his penis fell asleep. And no, it didn't have anything to do with his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And this guy thought he was on his deathbed, so he confessed to decades-old murder charges he'd bailed on. Whoops.

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While You Were Sleeping: George W. Bush Is Brilliant

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 13:02:00 GMT

Howard Stern is understandably upset that the media thinks he's involved in this Anna Nicole Smith debacle.

We're not thrilled about the cast of the upcoming Beat Generation movie, although at least James Franco is in it.

As of this writing, in the wee hours of the morning Texas time, we're not sure what Natasha Richardson's condition is.

Forced entrepreneurship: the buzzword/phrase of 2009.

While Usher's wife recovers from botched plastic surgery, the singer... parties with strippers.

A pregnant woman, busted for her 7th DWI, went straight to the bar after her hearing.

Joan Rivers talked dildos on the Today Show a few days ago.

Who knew that George W. Bush would become such an eloquent, respectable elder statesman?

We love Judge Judy more and more every day.

Wanted: 20 More Vadge Volunteers

Sloppy Seconds: The Most Amazing 9-1-1 Call Ever (AUDIO)

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The Iraqi shoe thrower was sentenced to three years in prison. Come on, even if this happened in Texas while Bush was Governor, he probably wouldn't have received such a lengthy prison term.

Radiohead to a vindictive Miley Cyrus: shut up and "grow up."

This mama monkey in Thailand shows her incredibly cute lil' monkey offspring how to floss with human hair. And they say evolution is a myth.

Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith's doctor were charged with being complete assholes to her, basically helping her die young.

A great many teens appear to blame Rihanna for Chris Brown going medieval on her. Where does this kind of thinking come from? The parents?

Ashley Alexandra Dupree is getting spiritual advice from... Russell Simmons? Not that we're against it, but we're hoping he's advising her to abandon her singing career.

It seems John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up again. Moving along...

And Will Ferrel will broadcast his Broadway show on HBO at 9pm EST on Saturday.

While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Crush of the Week: Carrie Brownstein

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Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

Moran Stirring Up Controversy By Suggesting We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:31:00 GMT

We're trying to decide who's funnier: the guy above or the moran in this story...

The village idiot in Fort Walton Beach, Florida has spoken: he would like us to "get rid of" Obama, and will sit on his porch with his misspelled signs, waving the confederate flag until the Black Man is out of the White House.

We report on local Republican Larry Ford, who is causing guffaws all around the world with his special brand of populism... and this sign has gotta be seen to be believed...

Larry posted two copies of this sign in his front yard. And no, we're not going to make fun of a typo... just because it's a typo...

As for the misspelling, Larry says: "I think everybody knows who I'm talking about, don't you? American people are the stupidest people in the world, but something like that I think they can figure out."

Amen, brother, amen.

The local Democrats are taking it in stride: "(Obama) won, get used to it.... He won fair and square, unlike the election in 2000, when Bush didn't win fair and square. And we put up with him for many, many years."

The New Republic ends their story with this:

Ford said he will leave the signs up "until we get rid" of Obama.

Via TNR.

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Christians Retaliate Against Atheists With Even Lamer Ad Campaign

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 18:02:00 GMT

Last month's story about the atheism bus and subway ad campaign is far and away the most-visited post we've ever run. Fools on both sides of the aisle are still debating the merits of the anti-God argument and every other aspect of the article. As of now, there are more than 80 comments (hey, that's a lot for us) and no end to the debate in sight.

Now, comes word that the Christians are striking back publicly, with their own counter-campaign to the counter-campaign...

After more than 150 complaints about the above-pictured slogan from whiners who had no problem with the original campaign, a pro-Christian God-loving and in-your-face bus ad, the Christians decided that public momentum was on their side. They've decided to strike back with this new marketing strategy: a bus ad.

"There definitely is a God. So join the Christian Party and enjoy your life."

Wow-- what, was "I know you are, but what am I?" already taken? Golf clap for creativity, guys, just taking the original slogan and changing the words to fit your own opinion. That kind of thinking is why Democrats gave it up to loser candidates like George Bush and Saxby Chambliss. ("No, terrorists are not going to kill you" "no, we will not raise taxes on the middle class," "no, John Kerry is not Herman Munster," etc.)

Then again, this is all just preaching to the choir-- almost literally. No one will be persuaded by either of these arguments, but it was admittedly refreshing to see an ad that didn't use scare tactics (that means you, "show up to church or God will punish you" billboards in the American South) to express a religious message.

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The Other Long Goodbye: Magazines

Colleen Kane — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:31:00 GMT

Now that that clown W is out of office, it's time to turn our attention to the other long goodbye. The slow and agonizing death of magazines in general isn't necessarily the domain of Scanner, but the sputtering gasps of this particular title that laid off editors last week is.

Yep.

Et tu, Penthouse? Conde Nast Portfolio announced that seven Penthouse employees were let go last week, although their CEO Marc Bell called it a downsizing and relocation.

We hope it ain't so that the title is in danger, but the future remains uncertain.

Today in Page Six: Naomi Campbell, Prince, Joe Francis, Unnamed Penthouse Pet

Penthouse Model Gives Us an Excuse to Write About the Fox Business Network

Sloppy Seconds: Penthouse at the Nursing Home

While You Were Sleeping: Mariah Carey's Big Movie Surprise

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A topless revue that played the Tropicana in Vegas for almost half a century has shut down.

Crazy Courtney Love is "not anti-semitic," according to the Jews.

Remember that family that waited twelve years to report their adopted son's disappearance? Surprise, they are now facing murder charges.

Can you believe today is the last day of the Bush presidency? It all went by so fast... ha ha ha. Did you notice how we never once, in the eight years since he stole the election, referred to him as "President Bush?" He'll always be an asterisk to us.

Don't ever trust ultra-conservative Fox to live up to their ultra-conservative grandstanding when it comes to your naked photos-- they'll gladly exploit them for ratings.

Yet another reason Jimmy Fallon's late night show is gonna blow goats.

Here's the real surprise of the Sundance Film Festival: Mariah Carey is getting very strong reviews... and by strong, we don't mean "strongly-worded diatribes." Could this be the beginning of her biggest success of all?

And our new Mrs. Vice President reveals her husband was offered his choice of the #2 job or Secretary of State.

Naked Man Banned From Playing with His (Bowling) Balls

Wonder Woman Somehow More Wonderous If Covered in Body Paint

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Flash Mob Protest

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Here's a program we can get behind: putting the sex back in sex ed.

Kids say the darndest things to Obama. The best one is the kid who says Obama gets to run around like "a maniac" in the Oval Office.

Damn, this Verne Troyer dude has a buttload of sex. Check out the latest story on his escapades:

Troyer, along with one of his randy mates, were at porn baron Hugh Hefner’s Hollywood Playboy mansion in 2005 when he took part in the all-night five-in-a-bed romp with the three gorgeous girls. [He] told News of the World: “I love the mansion and have had some of the best nights of my life behind its walls. I’ve been so many times and it never loses its appeal—but why would it? ...I didn’t just pleasure one Playboy Bunny, I pleasured three. And it doesn’t get much better than that. I watched while they touched each other, then me and my friend joined in. I know exactly how to make a woman feel like a woman. I know the spot, and I’ve got plenty of inches where it matters. I know what women want and it’s me.”

Maybe so, but his vindictive ex says those "inches" are a stretch.

Watch out, guys. In case you didn't know, demanding your wife get freaky with another woman can spell the beginning of the end for your relationship.

Devo is headlining the 2009 SXSW.

Will Bush pardon Scooter Libby and Ted Stevens today? By the way, don't forget that, amidst all this hoopla, today is George W. Bush's last day in the White House, woo hoo!

There was a flash mob protest over the weekend at London's Heathrow airport. If anyone has photographic evidence of the multiple nude incidents, please send them to scanner@nerve.com.

And Terry Gilliam is putting the finishing touches on the final Heath Ledger movie, a job he finds incredibly difficult to push through.

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While You Were Sleeping: Kate Hudson's Latest Prize

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A teenage girl sent 14,528 text messages in one month-- proving that actual, human conversations, even ones over the telephone, are dead. (And yes, her family had her on an unlimited SMS plan.)

We're pretty sure George W. Bush's final news conference will go down in history as his most memorable. Check out the full text here.

Can someone explain to us why Megan Fox thinks she looks like this guy?

And you thought Mail Googles were useless? Turns out they're helping people who e-mail in their sleep.

Would you support a ban on cell phones while driving?

Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez? Well, they've already dated everyone else.

Congress will be televised on YouTube. We're starting to think YouTube has gotten too popular for its own good-- like MySpace, when your grandmother joined up.

And Bruce Springsteen, Shakira, Usher, Sheryl Crow, Beyonce Knowles, and Stevie Wonder are among the highlights of the Obama inaugural shows.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Next Major Blockbuster Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Has the Senate ever been this entertaining? Between Dick Cheney swearing in a shit-eating-grin-sportin' Joe Biden to Roland Burris, barbarian at the gate?

Aubrey O'Day will receive one half million smackers to allow her boobies to appear in Playboy.

We have to admit, we're skeptical the "safe sex" soap opera can convince teens of anything.

This will either be worse than Rocky V or even better than First Blood: Part Two.

How the hell do you win the lottery 21 times? Probably by buying all the tickets.

According to Forbes, the most boring big city in the country is in... Arizona. Runners up include... cities in Arizona.

The next big movie event involves Spielberg, Peter Jackson, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. Oh, and don't forget Tintin.

Will Ferrell is about to kick off his George Bush spoof on Broadway.

Did you hear about the woman who set her husband's nuts on fire? She killed him and burned her house down, and now she's being charged with murder, having confessed to her neighbors that she did it because if she couldn't have his dick, no one could.

Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton died. At least we can say we saw them twice...

And in Virgina, a six-year-old boy missed the school bus, so he did the next best thing, as his grandfather would've instructed: he ~~walked~~ stole the family car, with predictable results.

This Week in Gayness: The New Transgender Minister

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:16:00 GMT

Bloggers are defending Anderson Cooper's right to privacy. Can a "Leave Anderson Alone" YouTube video be far behind?

Four suspects have been arrested in that San Francisco lesbian gang rape case.

Meanwhile, also from San Francisco, some positive news...

First United Lutheran Church in San Francisco, the first Lutheran church to ordain an openly LGBT pastor in the 1990s, recently welcomed a new queer member of the ministry. Jay Wilson, now one of the few openly transgender pastors in San Francisco, was ordained by Extraordinary Lutheran Ministries and installed as a pastor at First United last month. [Bay Area Reporter]

Ruben Diaz, Sr., part of the Axis of Evil Democrats that are stand in the way of gay marriage in New York State, is under major pressure from unions, LGBT groups, and others to stop his insane power grab.

Believe it or not, the LGBT-friendly Hero of the Week? George W. Bush, who signed legislation that requires "businesses to roll over retirement benefits to a same-sex partner in the event of the employee’s death."

The ACLU is suing ass-backwards Arkansas for barring unmarried people, gay or straight, from adopting. As we said before: great, let's make it harder for people to be happy and for orphans to find homes. This was a top priority!

And that Richard Simmons clip we showed you earlier today? It means he isn't gay, according to Jossip, which obviously didn't even watch it.

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RNC Candidate Produces "Barack the Magic Negro" Song

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:02:00 GMT

If you think the historic and decisive victory of Barack Obama has dealt a death blow to this country's racial intolerance, you're going to want to see this...

Chip Saltsman, the genius who turned Mike Huckabee's win in the Iowa caucus to a triumphant defeat down the road, is running to be the head of the Republican National Committee. Since, as is the case with Sarah Palin, the vilest candidate should win here and, with the unfunny "parody" song he handed out to colleagues at Christmas and the huge uproar over the weekend, we would peg him as the new front runner for the job.

Here's a video someone made set to the song. Our second favorite, way less amusing, is here. There's nothing to say here except these people are incredibly sad... just sad...

...with caveats: 1) The video opens with Paul Shanklin, an Al Sharpton impersonator (more like "mocker"), letting everyone know this is closed captioned for the "thinking impared." Yes, that's how he spelled it. Oh, and there are no captions in the video whatsoever. 2) Even if the rest of the ignorant lyrics fail to turn you off, just keep reminding yourself that Saltsman is white and the use of the word "Negro," his defenders argue, is completely acceptable because he's "being funny." 3) The smack-yourself-in-the-forehead break in the song, which either Saltsman or Shanklin use to claim that people vote for Obama because "this is about justice"-- as if those tens of millions of votes were all because people feel sorry for the Civil Rights Era (yeah, tell that to the Jesse Jackson '84 and '88 campaigns, and to George Bush, who would be relieved to know it had nothing to do with him.

If the video gets pulled (it has been once already), please email us at scanner@nerve.com and we'll get another version up immediately.

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While You Were Sleeping: Kirsten Dunst Off the Deep End

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:49:00 GMT

A very lame-looking Jim Carrey movie based on a superior autobiography opened with a mere $18 million.

Teachers can't keep banging teenagers.

A registered sex offender volunteering at the post office is the reason the Letters to Santa operation was suspended last week. It will be up and running, in a modified version, with enough time for this week's mailings.

The brand of shoe thrown at Bush has since big numbers since the incident.

CNN killed the crawl.

Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and back out on the streets.

Why is Saudi Arabia forcing an eight-year-old girl to remain married to a fifty-eight-year-old man?

And Kirsten Dunst is, according to the Superficial, trying "to fill the void left by Tara Reid," who recently checked into rehab.

[S]omeone has to become Hollywood's once-aspiring actress who can't keep her face out of the drink. Enter Kirsten Dunst. Here she is drunkenly leaving Bardot last night with her male companion The Cosby Sweater Bandit.

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Eliza Dushku Set For Fame Thanks To This Sex Scene

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George W. Bush Attacks Our Vaginas

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:11:00 GMT

Gore Vidal predicted more than five years ago that George W. Bush would leave office the most hated President in history, and he was unfortunately right. (We would've been satisfied if Bush had simply been voted out in 2004 by any margin.) And it seems George is more than happy to accommodate this prophecy, regarding his legacy as little more than a few good days and some more money for his ultra-rich friends.

With his latest move, W. has now made it easier for you to be denied contraception...

Bush has now imposed a 127-page rule preventing any health care provider from being fired for refusing a patient medical care on religious grounds. Well, that's just great-- a rule that's supposed to let doctors and nurses avoid participating in abortions (hey, dumbass-- there's already a law for that, so that's not what this is about!) is actually a rule that will allow providers to avoid giving women access to contraceptives, ostensibly to keep them from having gay premarital ass sex... or something.

We all know what this is really about:

1) Preventing people from obtaining the pill from pharmacies

2) Preventing lesbians from conceiving

3) Preventing rape victims and others from receiving the morning after pill

4) Preventing women in danger of dying in childbirth from having abortions... and on and on and on.

If doctors are allowed to refuse to do anything "morally objectionable," does this mean a doctor could refuse to treat a gay man who has been the victim of an attack?

Barack Obama, are you reading this? What are you going to do, on your first day in office, after signing the bailout? We hope it's shooting down this order before it has time to do any real damage...

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While You Were Sleeping: George W. Bush Under Attack

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Apparently, bisexual men enjoy The Rock.

What are these parents going to tell their kids when they get beat up because they insist, even into their later years, that they clearly remember going to the North Pole, where they met Ronald McDonald and Santa Claus?

The producer of Don't Look Now's unforgettable sex scene clears up the "did they or didn't they" debate:

“My company had made it and it was the most beautiful lovemaking scene with Donald Sutherland [and Julie Christie.]

“[It was] beautiful visually and beautiful emotionally because it is in fact about a married couple who have gone through a terrible tragedy and they are trying to get themselves back together so it was a very strong, important part of the picture.”

However, Deeley insisted that contrary to popular belief Sutherland and Christie were merely acting.

As usual, Hollywood's shitty fare fell flat on its face at the box office this weekend.

At 33, Tara Reid finally checked into rehab.

A teenage girl had her party crashed by an obnoxious Facebook group. On the plus side, it might lead to a modeling contract for her.

And George Bush was nearly assaulted by two flying shoes at a press conference. They were thrown by an Iraqi journalist, who said something like "This is the end, you dog" and wanted to insult Junior.

Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!

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Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:36:00 GMT

The adults at one Georgia Middle School have found a way around the no-sex-on-the-job rule: just set up an inflatable mattress in an unused room.

Bush used to be a drunk, as we all know, but now he isn't afraid to talk about it. This guy has nothing left to lose-- he's more dangerous than ever.

The stars are coming out for Obama's inaugural...

Anne Hathaway, Susan Sarandon, Marcia Cross, Tim Robbins, Seal, Adrian Grenier, Ashley Judd, Jane Krakowski, Rachael Leigh Cook, Blair Underwood and directors Spike Lee and Ron Howard are confirmed. And that's just a partial list of the hosts for an unofficial inaugural ball.

Elvis Costello is the headliner and rock stars Sting and Sam Moore will also appear, according to The Creative Coalition. The ball is a fundraising event for the nonprofit arts and entertainment advocacy group.

The event will kick off in Washington's Harman Center of the Arts the night of Jan. 20, when Obama is sworn is as the nation's 44th president. Musical guests are scheduled to perform until midnight.

As if you needed a reason to stop buying a shitty magazine like Us Weekly.

If there really is such a thing as the "liberal media," why is this story about the Head of Homeland Security hiring illegal immigrants only on Daily Kos?

Is the Governor of Ilinois innocent? Of course not, but he may not be found guilty either, if you listen to these kooky law professors.

92% of women masturbate. Yep, this is a very big news day.

Amy Adams, if you didn't enjoy your first marriage proposal, we'll gladly show you how its done.

And is this guy real or Photoshopped to death? He looks like a bad Jenny Craig ad personified. Metro UK seems to think he's the real deal: a 69-year-old buff mofo.

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While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:09:00 GMT

The Golden Globe Award nominations will be announced today. We'll have that story for you as soon as we can get it together.

There's trouble at Miss Porter's School, alma matter of Jackie O and Gloria Vanderbilt, site of some of this Scanner blogger's most notorious teenage escapades. Let's hope everything gets cleared up real nice... so not-so-nice boys can continue to bother females there for years to come.

Ugly Betty added a new, annoying celebrity to add to its roster...

Former The O.C. star Mischa Barton looks set to be returning to TV screens - the actress is reportedly in talks to join the cast of Ugly Betty.

Our favorite excerpt of the morning:

The question of penis size
UW Badger Herald - Madison,WI,USA
In lots of anatomy textbooks, the vagina is portrayed as a gaping black abyss, but in real life, the vaginal opening looks more like a fold of tissue...

Will Ferrells' Bush mockery revue will play HBO.

Best Picture of the Year? According to the NY critics, it's Milk.

And Khloe Kardashian's bizarre appearance in a PETA ad has nothing to do with how her body looks-- that hair is just freaking us out.

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Controversial "Courting Condi" Cancelled By Cronies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:54:00 GMT

The 2008 election year may have ended, but Bush & Co. aren't splayed out on the front steps of 1600 Pennsylvania, waiting for the Obamas to roll in.

Condoleezza Rice, for one, hasn't resorted to phoning it in. She shows up for work every day in classy Saks, brushes the Katrina victims aside, and strides through the front gate to the White House, where her boss, her hero, awaits with a non-alcoholic beer and a bag of pretzels. Together, they are Nixon and Kissinger, circa 1974, with the fireplace ablaze and the rocks in a glass of whiskey clattering back and forth, hashing out their escape plan.

Part of that plan is to ensure their legacy and making sure, for starters, that any revealing documentary films are dead in the water before they're even released...

We're not sure we buy the filmmakers claim that Karl Rove asked the Discovery Company to rescind its promise to fund the film or that the State Department had their hotel rooms bugged, but it may be true friends of or even Condoleezza Rice herself asked that Stanford University cancel an advance screening of "Courting Condi," a documentary following an actor-musician's quest to at least go on a date with Madame Secretary.

The Stanford Film Society (SFS) today cancelled a screening of a controversial documentary about Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and a debate on whether Stanford University should welcome her back to its faculty when she leaves office in 2009.

The film’s director, Sebastian Doggart stated: “This has all the hallmarks of Rice’s cronies scaring the Stanford Film Society into pulling the screening.”

The movie, Courting Condi, is a documentary about Condoleezza Rice, charting her life and career from her birth in Alabama, through her time as Provost at Stanford, to her tenure as Secretary of State. Contributors include close friends of Rice, her top biographers Marcus Mabry and Glenn Kessler, and senior Republican politicians such as Brent Scowcroft and Lawrence Wilkerson... [it] is due for general release in February 2009.

We'd like to add that the film also co-stars Adrian Grenier and Steve Earle's music, plus its lead by the kid (now grown) who played Macaulay Culkin's demented brother in Home Alone.

The SFS at first offered no explanation for the cancelation; after some prying, the President claimed a Professor had asked to use the space and his agenda took priority. But the SFS added that they didn't think the post-screening debate would be balanced and that that fear factored in their decision. Doggart chalks all this up to a, well, not-so-vast right-wing conspiracy:

“Our documentary has seen these tactics of obstruction and intimidation before,” Doggart states. “Eighteen months ago, Discovery committed to financing $600,000 for the movie. One week before shooting, they pulled out. We subsequently learned that Karl Rove found out about the deal and advised the CEO of Discovery it would be bad for their ‘good relations with government’ to proceed. Discovery pulled out the next day, leading to legal wrangling and a final settlement of a $150,000 ‘kill loan’ from Discovery, and forcing us to make the film on a shoestring.”
Doggart continues: “The obstructive measures got worse. Her supporters did all they could to stop us securing archive materials of Rice’s time at both Denver University and Stanford. And then her agents raided our inn when we were filming in Washington DC.”

Here's the film's trailer. Tell me-- is this a documentary or more likely a mockumentary?

Via Courting Condi.

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Report: Obama Picks The First-Ever Black Attorney General

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 20:33:00 GMT

Newsweek's blog claims that the Barack Obama transition team has made a choice for Attorney General that, if true, is not only a big surprise but an historical choice similar voters made in picking their President...

The man's name is Eric Holder, and he is an African-American lawyer-- who has learned the ropes of-- yup-- Washington, DC.

President-elect Obama has decided to tap Eric Holder as his attorney general, putting the veteran Washington lawyer in place to become the first African-American to head the Justice Department, according to two legal sources close to the presidential transition.
Holder, who served as deputy attorney general during the Clinton administration, still has to undergo a formal “vetting” review by the Obama transition team before the selection is final and is publicly announced, said one of the sources, who asked not to be identified talking about the transition process. But in the discussions over the past few days, Obama offered Holder the job and he accepted, the source said. The announcement is not likely until after Obama announces his choices to lead the Treasury and State departments.

By the way, the reason you aren't hearing about this anywhere else yet is because the decision is not final. Holder has yet to formally accept a full vetting, which he will likely agree to. But there are reasons to believe this is true: Holder was, again, Deputy Attorney General, served on Obama's VP-selection team, and ironically, Holder has actually been Attorney General of the United States, albeit an acting one: in 2001, while the Senate debated the disastrous appointment of John Ashcroft, Holder continued to serve President George W. Bush.

Meanwhile, members of the Obama transition team are still mulling the possible appointment of Hillary Clinton to be Secretary of State. They have to ask themselves whether Bill Cinton's financial dealings with foreign governments and hands-on approach to his wife's career could steal the future President's thunder. All signs point to Obama overruling these objections and nominating the Senator.

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New York Times: Iraq War Ends

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:07:00 GMT

Did you enjoy our little prank?

Well, we didn't come up with it, but we knew about it and were part of it on our own undisclosed way... and if you don't know what we're talking about, you will now.

And hey, if Lili Taylor thought it was awesome, it was worth getting up at the crack of dawn to pass these out in Union Square:

New York Times Special Edition Video News Release - Nov. 12, 2008

For those of you who don't live in New York City, here's a rundown from our friends Beka and Andy:

Hundreds of independent writers, artists, and activists are claiming
credit for an elaborate project, 6 months in the making, in which 1.2
million copies of a "special edition" of the New York Times were
distributed in cities across the U.S. by thousands of volunteers.

The papers, dated July 4th of next year, were headlined with
long-awaited news: "IRAQ WAR ENDS". The edition, which bears the same
look and feel as the real deal, includes stories describing what the
future could hold: national health care, the abolition of corporate
lobbying, a maximum wage for CEOs, etc. There was also a spoof site, at
http://www.nytimes-se.com/.

"Is this true? I wish it were true!" said one reader. "It can be true,
if we demand it."

"We wanted to experience what it would look like, and feel like, to
read headlines we really want to read. It's about what's possible, if
we think big and act collectively," said Steve Lambert, one of the
project's organizers and an editor of the paper.

"This election was a massive referendum on change. There's a lot of
hope in the air, but there's a lot of uncertainty too. It's up to all
of us now to make these headlines come true," said Beka Economopoulos,
one of the project's organizers.

"It doesn't stop here. We gave Obama a mandate, but he'll need mandate
after mandate after mandate to do what we elected him to do. He'll need
a lot of support, and yes, a lot of pressure," said Andy Bichlbaum,
another project organizer and editor of the paper.

The people behind the project are involved in a diverse range of
groups, including The Yes Men, the Anti-Advertising Agency, CODEPINK,
United for Peace and Justice, Not An Alternative, May First/People
Link, Improv Everywhere, Evil Twin, and Cultures of Resistance.

In response to the spoof, the New York Times said only, "We are looking
into it." Alex S. Jones, former Times reporter who is an authority on
the history of the paper, says: "I would say if you've got one, hold on
to it. It will probably be a collector's item."

UPDATE: Our lawyer just let us know that some of the 1.2 million copies are "already on sale on E-bay at prices from $30-40 to $200."

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While You Were Sleeping: Female Charles Manson on the Loose

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:58:00 GMT

Here's the strangest story you'll read all day: a man faces five years in an Arizona jail for being an illegal immigrant, which was proved in part by his handwriting sample.

Britney's son is out of the hospital.

If these two end up on Hannah Montana, we might actually try to find out what channel that show's on...

Barack Obama's daughters, Sasha and Malia, have been invited to appear on Disney's "Hannah Montana" show, Billy Ray Cyrus told "Access Hollywood." [MTV News]

Ever wanted to check out Einstein's FBI file? All 1,400+ pages of it?

Republicans in Minnesota are willing to eat their own Secretary of State if he doesn't get on the Stop The Voting bandwagon.

The female Charles Manson is a manipulative socio/psychopath and she's on the loose.

Caption this photo of Barack Obama and President Bush.

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The Onion Called It Seven Years Ago...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

First, they predicted the emergence of Joe the Plumber in a story published in the nineties. Then, they perfectly encapsulated the Bush Administration... just days into W's first term.

The story went on to "quote" Bush on his administration's support for nation building, something Bush the Candidate had said he was against.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

In a high-profile story today that was picked up by CNN, MSNBC, and various other outlets, Joe Garden, an Onion editor and our pick to replace Conan O'Brien when Conan takes over the Tonight Show, had this to say:

Writers at the satirical paper still speak reverentially of the story, in which Bush promises to take the country into a deep recession, worsen the environment and "end the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton."
"Wow, was that prescient," marvels Joe Garden, the Onion's features editor.
"We get asked a lot if we secretly want Republicans to win since there's so much more material," [assistant editor Megan Ganz] says. "The thing is, we always say, we have to live in the country, too. And also, when stuff is really going bad, it's harder to make jokes." [CNN]

Check out the original story here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Wants To Be Used... For Her Brain

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The guy who ate the last mango in Paris passed away in Key West. (By the way, to get the song out of your head, listen to it here.)

See, raising a public stink does send the right message sometimes: a baby born in India to a surrogate mother was allowed to leave with her Japanese father, even though the law says her mother was supposed to accompany here.

Guess who helped Ryan Reynolds at the New York City Marathon? And no, it wasn't Scarlett Johansson...

"(During the race) I thought a lot about my father [who had Parkinson's] and Michael and the 500,000 other people afflicted with this awful disease in the United States alone. I ran for those who can't...

"When I saw Michael J. Fox on Fifth Avenue, I gained about 15 pounds in goose bumps. It kind of pushed me through the last six miles or so."

It's possible a man with the last name of Kennedy could have just set George W. Bush's public disgrace in motion...

A judge has ordered the Justice Department to produce White House memos that provide the legal basis for the Bush administration's post-Sept. 11 warrantless wiretapping program.
U.S. District Judge Henry Kennedy Jr. signed an order Friday requiring the department to produce the memos by the White House legal counsel's office by Nov. 17. He said he will review the memos in private to determine if any information can be released publicly without violating attorney-client privilege or jeopardizing national security.

Kennedy issued his order in response to lawsuits by civil liberties groups in 2005 after news reports disclosed the wiretapping.

Paris Hilton says men used her for sex. That's just not true, dear, we love you for your brilliant intellect.

Circuit City is going to close more than 150 stores, rumor has it.

The more we hear about Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno movie, the better it sounds. Check out where he ended up yesterday. By the way, the above photo is of Governor Ahnuld getting accosted by Bruno and the Bruno film crew: some say it was staged for the film, which is entirely possible, although Schwarzenneger has not made a cameo in years. We, however, want to remind you that the Governor of California could never act well enough to make the above, very-convincing "distress face" on cue...

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Video of the Day: The Mourning After

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 20:29:00 GMT

On November 3, 2004, we were driving a van full of volunteers back from Ohio and we stopped at a gas station in West Virginia to listen to John Kerry cede the election to George W. Bush. It was a sorry sight, a bunch of 20-somethings bawling our eyes out in a 15-passenger van at a gas pump in Appalachia. But we can imagine that was nothing compared to what might be on November 5, 2008 if that one thing that we don't even want to think about happening actually happens... Some filmmakers in Pittsburgh think so, too.

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This Week in Gayness: Ellen vs. the Bigots

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 16:21:00 GMT

Nutjob of the Century anti-gay activist Janet Porter actually believes Barack Obama will name Bill Ayers to the Department of Homeland Security and that his wife Michelle will read about the Weather Underground to schoolchildren. Do you think these people actually believe these complete exaggerations and lies or are they just trying to win at any cost?

In troubled times, the homeless suffer the most. In George Bush's America, the gay homeless suffer the most.

The internets wish there was more to this story of Gwyneth Paltrow agreeing to "help" Madonna get over Guy Ritchie...

A decade ago this headline would have been a lot hotter: Gwyneth Paltrow says she's "helping" Madonna get over Guy Ritchie. [Fark]

The New York Times thinks the Connecticut gay marriage fight will come down a fight at the constitutional level.

And you just knew Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi would make a video to fight Proposition 8.

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If You're A Liberal And Terrified Your Vote Won't Count...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

...you won't want to watch this... or read this horror story from West Virginia (who would've thought, just six months ago, West Virginia would be this fierce?)

1) The horror show... this is former NRCC head Tom Davis at the National Press Club, answering a question from the audience about whether the GOP is going to be up to their usual tricks this time around. Remember: this is a GOP-friendly reporter asking a fellow GOPer if the GOP is going to put the band back together, as it were. The response is the most frightening political thing we've seen since Wally O'Dell, the guy in charge of many of Ohio's voting machines in 2004, said he was "committed to delivering [the state's] electoral votes to George Bush."

Note that it isn't so much what he says but how he says it... and the almost sinister laugh from the room. It's the closest thing we've ever seen to the media admitting the GOP is disgracefully and possibly illegally purging voters.

2) In case you think we're exaggerating or even, somehow, imagining that this hasn't been going on for years, here's another classic example:

Virginia Matheney and Calvin Thomas said touch-screen machines in the county clerk's office in Ripley kept switching their votes from Democratic to Republican candidates.

"When I touched the screen for Barack Obama, the check mark moved from his box to the box indicating a vote for John McCain," said Matheney...

When she reported the problem, she said, the poll worker in charge "responded that everything was all right. It was just that the screen was sensitive and I was touching the screen too hard. She instructed me to use only my fingernail."

Even after she began using her fingernail, Matheney said, the problem persisted.

She isn't the only one. The Charleston Gazette has reported that West Virginia is experiencing these problems all over, with election officials attributing the malfunction to "shifting" that occasionally occurs in transporting the machines to the polling sites. No one, of course, had an explanation for why there were all changing only Democratic votes.

More here. Image via Mother Jones.

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McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:44:00 GMT

It's time someone called "nuts!" on this McCain campaign suspension, fake attempt to save the economy, and the sabotaging of that fake attempt once it appeared Obama had the upper hand on the issue again...

Here's what we've heard. It's possible, of course, that Politico, Politics1, RCP, and all the other sources are wrong, but let's assume otherwise for the moment:

1) McCain told David Letterman he couldn't do anymore interviews because he was rushing back to DC to work on legislation. This was proven, on air, to be a lie, as McCain ran over to do an interview with Katie Couric instead. Fine, whatever. But why then did McCain wait until the morning to fly to DC? Didn't he know that would be a big red flag for people?

2) McCain said he was going to suspend campaigning. But we've heard from several sources that his ads are still running, his workers are still working, and McCain is still "campaigning" in every sense of the term except for actual stump speeches. See more about what his campaign has been up to since the suspension here.

3) Politico and Politics1 report on how the deal fell apart, thanks to McCain and Bush and their political maneuvering. You have to read this whole thing to appreciate it:

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson['s] $700 billion bailout... fell apart in bitter arguing during the meeting at the White House called by President Bush... [which was held] at the urging of John McCain. [The Dems] jointly deferred to Barack Obama, who set forth the[ir] concerns. One Republican at the meeting told Politico that Obama's leading role -- versus McCain's nearly silent role at the meeting -- was "an ambush" and the Democrats "did a very good job" of surprising Bush and McCain.
Obama immediately raised concerns that House Republicans had spent the day secretly plotting with McCain to sabotage the Bush/Paulson plan. Obama said the Democrats would not be party to advancing any bailout plan if McCain and the Congressional Republicans were not solidly behind the plan. Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) -- one of the fiscal hawks who had been crafting the conservative alternative plan -- confirmed that the House Republicans had met with McCain during the day as they worked on the rival plan. ..."This is such a crisis I'm not going to draw some line in the sand. We can't leave without doing something, but we don't think the votes are here for Paulson," said Ryan. As the White House meeting degenerated into bickering, the Democrats walked out to caucus...

Here's the short version of the rest: Paulson apparently (literally!) got down on his hands and knees in front of Pelosi and begged them not to quit the talks. According to Politico, his worst fears about what Bush and McCain would try to do-- that is, play politics with the legislation and try to give most of the gargantuan payoff to those who didn't need it, like CEOs-- were confirmed and the talks stalled. The Democrats and Republicans sectioned themselves off and continued into the evening with the discussions, leaving some to wonder...

4)... is John McCain going to show up for the debate? As we've said before, if he doesn't, he could get trashed like no Republican has been since Bob Dole's bumbling 1996 campaign. Obama would be able to mop the floor with him in a town hall-style discussion and emerge the almost unbeatable frontrunner. John McCain: are you getting any of this?!

More via Politics1.

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You Can't Argue With A Conservative... No, Really, It's A Fact

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 14:35:00 GMT

We're traveled all across the country for political reasons over the years. Sometimes to cover a story for a newspaper, other times to campaign for our preferred candidate. And not to get all "there are only two kinds of people in this world, son" on you, but... there are two kinds of political people in this country: the liberal, who thinks just because he's right and has the facts on his side, he can change the oppositions mind, and the conservative, who thinks if he just sticks to his talking points and ignores what the other person is actually saying, he will eventually get the other person to give up.

They're both wrong, although a new study shows that presenting facts and truth to conservatives makes them more likely to reaffirm their original position...

From the Washington Post:

One group was given a refutation -- the comprehensive 2004 Duelfer report that concluded that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction before the United States invaded in 2003. Thirty-four percent of conservatives told only about the Bush administration's claims thought Iraq had hidden or destroyed its weapons before the U.S. invasion, but 64 percent of conservatives who heard both claim and refutation thought that Iraq really did have the weapons. The refutation, in other words, made the misinformation worse.

[The study suggests] that Republicans might be especially prone to the backfire effect because conservatives may have more rigid views than liberals: Upon hearing a refutation, conservatives might "argue back" against the refutation in their minds, thereby strengthening their belief in the misinformation. [They] did not see the same "backfire effect" when liberals were given misinformation and a refutation about the Bush administration's stance on stem cell research.

Well, either that or liberals are just whimps who cower before conservative's loud awesomeness!

Via HuffPo.

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"We Support George McCain For President"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:32:00 GMT

For our last post about the RNC (thank The Lord Jesus That Watches Over Conservatives for that!), we wanted to show you a video that we think summarizes the feelings on the floor of the entire convention. Those feelings, conveniently, can be melted down to one line: some Republicans are staunch in their support of Bush and McCain, while others just wanted America to forget about Junior...

This video is one in which I, Scanner Brian, must, in the interest of full disclosure, admit I was participant (I got Dennis Hastert to say how much he loved Bush and McCain and to take a sticker-- he was by far the nicest GOP power player we met in the Twin Cities.)

We recommend watching it on YouTube in high quality, but it's not important. Anyway, don't miss the ending, in which Senator Norm Coleman is asked what his feelings are on the Bush legacy:

Q: I just want to know how you feel about the last eight years of George Bush.
A: Well, uh... bleheelyelylelyelyylellelelalalelela... [not an exact transcription]

Also, although it's not in this video, the woman who puts the sticker on her forehead was ultimately completely unable to say why she supported Bush (or McCain) and, in fact, called her husband on camera to ask him for her talking points. ("He says we don't believe in wealth redistribution." Genius.)

Via YouTube.

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While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 13:42:00 GMT

Wonderful: right as Michael Lohan is tearing his daughter's life apart, his father dies. Maybe Michael will reassess his values now that the guy had to go out right in the middle of an embarrassingly public family dispute.

We missed out on Michael Phelps giving swimming lessons at the Y.

Is David Duchovny having an affair of just trying to promote his show, Californication, with this latest shocking report?

David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. [His reps] declined to elaborate further.
Duchovny plays a sex-obsessed character on the Showtime series...

In Other News:

John McCain will announce his VP today in a bad to take Obama down a notch after last night's historic speech.

Talk about historic: a man proposed to his lady at Mile High, right as Al Gore took the stage-- and Wonkette was sitting right behind them!

BREAKING: The RNC is considering delaying the start of the convention because of Hurricane Gustav... they don't want a reminder of Katrina hanging over their convention... Scott McClellan thinks this will allow Bush to blow off the convention unnoticed, since he is a political liability anyway... read more at the Washington Post.

By the way, this is the greatest post you'll read all day. Even if you don't agree with its politics, you'll certainly (we hope) agree that sicko religious zealots should be laughed out of stadiums everywhere:

Y'all remember the AP report of a "short video produced by Focus on the Family Action shows a man with an umbrella talking about his wish for rain as he stands in front of Invesco Field [before Obama spoke there]. The man in the video explains his desire for rain by saying he's against abortion and gay marriage and says he's "just an ordinary guy" who's looking for people to pray for rain?"

And y'all remember how hurricane Katrina was supposed to be God's punishment for New Orleans sinful ways?

So what will y'all think if next week's Republican Convention (yawn) is eclipsed by landfall in the US of not one but two hurricanes?

Y'all think there's a lesson in there somewhere? [End of post - Ed.]

A school district near Atlanta lost its accreditation, the first such case in 40 years, mainly for ethics violations by board members.

And Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potsmoker movies, is doing his first stripping/naked/sex scene-- or something like that. He's "stripping off for"

his first sex scene for Cherry Bomb and is excited about the flick.
'I loved the script,' he tells The Metro. 'It was quite a challenge.'

Getting naked is nothing, Rupert. Hell, Daniel Radcliffe does that every night. (PS: Hmmm... Cherry Bomb, you say? How can we be sure it's not some Virgin Teens Dot Com movie or something?)

Image via AOL.

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