Scanner : games

Pick The Perp: The Most Depressing Social Experiment We've Played All Day

Ina Maier — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:40:00 GMT

We all know the internet was invented solely to provide abused office drones with a constant stream of mindless entertainment while simultaneously instilling a false sense of happiness in the form of cute videos of animals playing instruments, riding roombas, and getting tickled.

Which is why our most recent discovery, Pick The Perp, is so important. It’s a game that – get this! – is not particularly entertaining, nor uplifting! After two and a half minutes of playing, we were mildly depressed, averaging under 30% accuracy, and questioning our subconscious level of socio-economic prejudice. Join in the fun after the jump!

The point of the game, by now, should be obvious: the site gives you a crime and 5 mug shots – you pick the perp. But be careful! The perps don’t always fit the crime. For example, the domestic abusers can be women!

Turns out, though, that we've got a knack for picking out a particular kind of criminal, which is to say: Disorderly Drunks!

And Drug Traffickers!

And, um, stalkers:

That said, we can't for the life of us figure out what it means to be charged with "Utter Forged Instrument".

Anyone?

[PickThePerp.com]

Boob Claw Machine Makes Those Damn Grabby Games a Little More Satisfying, Maybe

Speaking of Sex and Video Games...

Nintendo DS Boob Cover So Cute, We Want To Cover Everything With Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:48:00 GMT

We don't really understand the need to spend four hours a day playing video games, as many people who own video games do. But then to take a portable gaming device on the subway to play it all the way to 86th St.? That's just excessive.

Playing video games by oneself has always seemed kind of pathetic-- what, real life sports or conversation isn't stimulating enough that you want to play a fighting game alone?-- but now the Nintendo DS has gotten a whole lot sexier, thanks to one unidentified artiste.

The following boob-related cover for the DS makes the gaming device almost sexy and appealing... we said "almost."

Unfortunately, it's not for sale.

Related:

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Padma Lakshmi Suddenly, Surprisingly Naked

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:50:00 GMT

You'll never guess in a million years what tattoo-covered topless Amy Winehouse is looking at-- and don't say that woman's gigantic bosom...

Amy Winehouse, who flies back to her burglarized home in England today to try to salvage her marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil, spent her last hours in St. Lucia not doing drugs, not stealing drinks from the hands of tourists, not even falling over some frat douche on the beach.

She was playing Scrabble.

Winehouse told the Sun:

But perhaps the recovering junkie’s strangest move is her new love for Scrabble.
"I am trying to think of something clever. No, I ain’t got the right letters for rehab."
Amy’s holiday wasn’t all good clean fun though – she’s regularly been seen drinking and openly smoking joints.
Two weeks ago The Sun printed pictures of Amy crawling up to holidaymakers on all fours and grabbing their drinks after hotel bar staff deemed her too wasted to serve.
She also put on a number of performances for guests in the lobby...

Scanner Emily, looks you'll now have an online Scrabble partner when Parker Brothers finally allows it to start up again...

Via the Sun.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Sends Topless Pic To Wrong Guy

How Low Can You Go, Wino (and Us)?

Wino Goes Topless and We Say No No No

Today's Topless PETA Roundup

The Mammary Game: Test Your "Boobie" Skills

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:48:00 GMT

Confession: we sort-of want to see Role Models and not only because we want to make sweet, sweet love to one of its stars, Paul Rudd. The movie is centered around Rudd's character Danny, and his friend Wheeler (Seann William Scott) who end up doing community service in a mentoring program after an energy drink fueled bender (really?) left a company truck trashed.

Anyway, apparently boobs (er, "boobies") play a big part in the movie, so the marketing geniuses behind its promotion have put together The Mammary Game, basically an online boob-matching game.

So, if you have nothing better to do than look at boobs all day, click through to find out how to play.

Play the Mammary Game

[Image]

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:23:00 GMT

Scanner Brian is in Minneapolis-St. Paul this week reporting from the Republican National Convention...

We have to admit our trip to the Trojan Bus near the Excel Center yesterday was not entirely on the up-and-up (no pun intended.)

We heard there were a half dozen hotties flirting with delegates, handing out condoms and buttons, and asking the ladies and gentlemen of the RNC to take some sort of condom test. This, we thought, sounds like Scanner material...

Trojan claims this is not a marketing ploy (you know, buy our condoms and you'll get these hot girls to like you), but rather a booming wake up call about the state of the country's sexual health. Hint: it's in the shitter.

David Johnson, Group Project Manager for Trojan Brand Condoms, says, "The main initiative is to open people's eyes and get them involved in the Evolve cause." The Trojan Evolve Tour plans to visit 60 college campuses in six months. The Trojan Tour Bus will have multimedia stations where students can play games and win the necessary prophylactics for all their sexual needs.College OTR] [

Ah, yes... about those games. What we experienced was basically the Relay Game. If you've read the rules off the sign in the above photo, you've pretty much figured out how that goes, we imagine. If only there was a way to roll a condom over a banana while taking pictures (we never did get the one-hand move down yet-- again, no pun intended), we would have figured it out and presented a full photo essay here. As it is, we think you can use your imagination.

However, here is some visualization, if only of the bus, which has a little ~~peep show booth~~ video booth where students and anyone else off the street can record their own sexual health-related message to America. (Our was going to be something about how it's Wednesday, which means it's Business Time, but we thought better of that...) Note that the story we're referencing in this short and relatively pointless Q&A with the leader of the Trojans is this one.

[Ugh, Vimeo screwed up our video and it's too late to fix it today. We'll update tonight. Here's the basic rundown: we try to get the Trojan Girl to say anything about Republicans or Democrats, but she rightly avoids our dumb questions and sticks to the subject. In any case, we will say this: we're glad a very dedicated group of people of any age are spreading a positive message about condoms. As one of the girls told a delegate as we walked back to the RNC, "One and four New Yorkers has herpes." The numbers, you should know, are almost as bad everywhere else as well...]

UPDATE: Here we go...

Trojan Girl Explains Her Presence At The RNC from Brian Fairbanks on Vimeo.

Follow the tour via Facebook and read more at the Trojan website. By the way, can someone please explain the logic behind the bus "evolution" drawings?

While You Were Sleeping: Dancing With The B-Listers

Those Who Can, Do; Those Who Can't, Teach Porn Techniques...

Sloppy Seconds: Carmen Electra's Stripping Tips

Summer Camp is So Gay!

Obama and McCain Condoms: F**cking Silly

Sloppy Seconds: Nobody Wants To See Lindsay Lohan Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 21:39:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton grew up playing dice games with barons and earls. She knows how to throw straight 7's in the oldest established craps game in New York, where she's lived her whole life. She also apparently played the ancient game of pinochle, before it and the dinosaurs were extinguished by the Mesopotamians.

HFS! One half of the gay black porn star twin burglar brothers escaped from custody by smashing through a police car window with his head. He then threw himself out of the car and landed face first on the pavement. Following this, most people would be a) dead or b) begging to be Tased into unconsciousness. Not this dude.

With his hands still cuffed, he swam across a pond, taunting his pursuers with a classic "You'll never catch me!" ever-fading yell.

In other not-so-recent-news-you-should've-told-us-about: A teacher has been spotted in a YouTube video, much to the delight of her mocking students. Even better: she's in an ad for construction worker porn. Or something.

Last week, we offered to take you through a tour of (Weddings From) Hell. We should have waited a few days to include this one: a pair of newlyweds spent their first night of marriage in a detention center after their California wedding descended into chaos. Christ Almighty, even the groom ended up getting Tased. (Choice line: "The bride was taken into custody on suspicion of public intoxication." Really? A bride drunk at her own wedding? Come on, officer, you don't think that might've been too easy?)

Hey, who does Lindsay Lohan have to flash to get a film deal around here? Attempting to salvage her reputation (too late, it dead), Lohan, who last appeared in nude in New York Magazine only a few months ago, offered to flash her pubes for an indie film she's only getting $75,000 for. The producers vomited up in their mouths a bit and then said, "yeah, let's just stick to your fake boobs, mmm-kay?" She will indeed show her boobs, however, in the lead role of a nympho waitress. (Man, if this doesn't qualify for an automatic Oscar nomination, it's time to hang it up, girl.)

Previously: Identical Twin Gay Porn Stars; We're Done Thinking of Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe.

Hooters, Like Cockroaches, Will Survive the Apocalypse... And The Olympics

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 14:12:00 GMT

When the Olympics swarm Beijing this summer, many bars and restaurants inside the city's stadium compound will close their doors to keep the focus on the Games and keep the foot traffic moving. This will put many hospitality employees out of work for the duration of the Games and put a dent in industry profits. But China has exempted at least one business in the area from closing.

The local Hooters, which opened last year, will remain open throughout the Olympic Games. And what better represents internationality, sportsmanship and community than Hooters?

[Fanhouse: Olympics Will Close Many Beijing Businesses, but Hooters Will Remain Open]

This Week in Gayness: Desperation, Post V-Day

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 18:33:00 GMT

Karl Rove didn't realize his stepdad was gay. How long before he comes out of the closet in some bizarre, McCain-style sex scandal?

A really, really, really, really desperate guy wrote "I Need A Man or A Date" on his t-shirt, along with his phone number, and was kicked out of a gym for it.

Larry Sinclair, the almost certain fraud who accused Obama of cocaine/crack/gay sex, is whining some more and probably changed his story from a 2003 interview.

Kathy Griffin apparently has some sort of "gay games night." We're not gay, but we RSVP'd yes to her e-vite.

A ban on teaching about gay stuff in Tennessee has fallen short of the required votes.

Rupert Everett is no fan of gay pride.

And some homosexuals in Israel believe a recent earthquake there was caused by homosexual activity. United still has seats available on flights today, folks...

The Love Detector: Creepiest New Technology

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:16:00 GMT

For the person who needs to know everything their lover is thinking, and for their lovers, who either won't know about this or don't mind being self-conscious about every breath, mumble, sneeze, and unspoken thought.

As reported by Reuters on V-Day:

Users who speak by pointing their mobile phones at themselves for video conferences can see a "love meter" bar on the screen of their handset during a conversation.

They later receive an analysis of the conversation delivered through text message that breaks down the amount of affection, surprise, concentration and honesty of the other speaker.

That's according to KTF in South Korea, makers of a product we love to hate. Just like those creepy-ass old carnival games, The Love Detector, now available for Skype PC, is about the weirdest and possibly the most fraudulent technology yet invented for mobile phone use. It was allegedly designed for people who couldn't be bothered to simply ask a crush if the crush is mutual, but apparently that didn't work and now they are moving into the girlfriends-of-strong-silent-types-who-don't-talk-about-their-feelings. (We can just hear it now: Man: Honey, I'm going to be late. Woman: Oooh, no! The Love Detector says you are suffering from a sense of detachment, are possibly homosexual, and are fondling a small dog while we're on the phone. What would you like for dinner?)

But that doesn't stop us from asking some poor soul out there with a PC (ha ha, suckers!) to try it out and not bill us for your use...

What Would You Rather: Scrabble vs. Scrabulous

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 17:34:00 GMT

You must have seen this one coming. As we reported last week, Hasbro and Mattel, the manufacturers of the "real" Scrabble are trying to pull Scrabulous, the Facebook application that's almost exactly like the "real" Scrabble, down from the Internets.

So, which would you rather? Scrabble, which you can play with friends and booze? Or Scrabulous, which you can play in your underwear, with friends online with booze? Not that we've never played the real Scrabble in our underwear, because we sure have. With booze, too.

Pack the Bags: We're Going on Scrabble Holiday

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:48:00 GMT

Sorry for all the Scrabble coverage today, but all things Scrabble and Scrabulous-related are hot news right now. And we got a little too excited about the Scrabble Holiday being offered at a hotel in the English countryside.

Thanks to Facebook, defiantly undigital board games are enjoying an electronic revival, and serendipitously the country retreat is offering a Scrabble holiday. The Lake District does not have to fear that its peaceful shores will be polluted by the beeping of computers, however. The five-day retreat at Rothay Manor, hard by Lake Windermere, at the start of March, will feature the more traditional Scrabble format: a board, some tiles, and probably even the famous green bag, with competitors face to face, eyeballing each other over a well-thumbed dictionary.

Who's with us?

[The Guardian: Bed and the Scrabble board]

Scrabble vs. Scrabulous... All's Fair as Long as Scanner Emily Still Wins

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:14:00 GMT

Scanner Emily's pathetic reason for living might soon see its end. Hasbro and Mattel, the manufacturers of the "real" Scrabble are trying to pull Scrabulous, the Facebook application that's almost exactly like the "real" Scrabble, down from the Internets.

The "real" Scrabble offers its own free version of the game online. Unfortunately for Hasbro and Mattel, Scrabulous beat them to getting it up on Facebook.

Also, ouch. When we googled "Scrabble online," the first hit was Scrabulous.

Honestly, we'd never heard of Scrabulous before Facebook and we have nothing against the real Scrabble. In fact, whoever created it was a fucking genius who has changed the lives of millions, if not billions, of people. But listen Hasbro and Mattel, if you succeed in your mission, you better make damn sure that you put your version up on Facebook pronto, or someone's getting a Deluxe board to the head. For serious.

Of course, all of this begs the question, which would you rather, Scrabble or Scrabulous?

[News.com: 'Scrabulous' debate may rewrite the rules of the game]

[Previously on Scanner: Top 10 Things We Didn't Need to Waste Time Doing This Year But Did Anyway (File Under: Facebook)]