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Today in WTF: Crying Japanese Sumo Baby Contest

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 21:32:00 GMT

We'd heard about this from friends of ours that had lived in Japan, but we couldn't imagine it was an annual event... or that it took place in multiple cities, with throngs of onlookers actually enjoying babies crying at deafening volumes.

Thankfully, LiveLeak has video to go with our story...

The festival translates as "Baby Cry-sumo" and participants are sat facing each other on tiny wrestling mats, then given some a reason to cry about it. The baby that cries the loudest is declared the winner and is considered blessed with health and happiness. Or something.

What weirded us out the most is all the laughing, smiling locals and tourists standing around the screamfest. How the hell can they stand all that? When we're in a restaurant with these monsters, we ask to move to another table, preferably by the kitchen, where the chef's screaming usually drowns out all others and bring us the health and happiness we were seeking.

Is this child abuse or the next Fox reality show, starring fat white Americans? Unfortunately, we'd guess both.

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Sexy Tattoos From The Pre-Badass Era

Japan Destroys America Again in Cuteness Department

Do Not Love: "More to Love"

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:16:00 GMT

Fox is developing a new reality dating show for what producers call "average-looking" people. The show will be similar to The Bachelor but instead of under-fed, over-tanned people desperate to date, the contestants will be over-weight weight women competing for the love of a man who resembles...

Kevin James. (Producers describe him as a "Kevin James-type." Kevin James is that guy from The King of Queens, by the way. We'd prefer a Drew Carey-type, but whatever.)

“For six years it’s been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that’s not what the dating world looks like,” Mike Darnell of Fox said. “Why don’t real women —the women who watch these shows, for the most part—have a chance to find love too?”

This is a good question, and one that's been ignored too long. But doesn't making a point of singling out the "fatties" just contribute to the bigger problem? If "normal" people are lovable, too, why do they really need their own show? Perhaps the producers could take a cue from Tyra Banks and America's Next Top Model and let some "average-looking people" compete against the "hotties."

[LiveFeed: 'More to Love' -- Fox orders dating competition series for the heavy set]

Related:

Video: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards for Skanks?

Would You Watch?: Denise Richards' Reality Show

Octomom: the Reality Series (Plus Porn Stars)

While You Were Sleeping: Adopt George Clooney

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:23:00 GMT

Let's just start the rumors here: Katie Holmes is not pregnant.

Singapore was stunned to experience the sight of an entirely-nude couple walking through the city for fifteen minutes. In New York, this wouldn't even get reported on Fox, but in a conservative place like Singapore...

In Sweden, if you're a teacher and don't like what a bunch of young ladies are saying about you on their blog, you can file a complaint against them. Boo hoo.

The great filmmaker Tom DiCillo is doing a documentary on The Doors that appears to have some incredible lost footage of the band.

It's the classic case of teach the kids to shoplift, take them shoplifting, leave the kids at the scene of the shoplifting. We've seen it all before.

We understand that there was discrimination involved, but why would anyone want to work at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone bikini bar anyway?

George Clooney, who will appear on the final episode of ER, would like you to adopt him.

And our headline of the day: "Pub Line bus service could become mobile bar for Fairbanks patrons."

Today In Headlines We Weren't Expecting

Scanner Roundtable: If Gay Marriage Is Legal, What About Polygamy?

This Week In Gayness: Two Major Male Movie Stars Make Out

Why Are Playmobil Playsets So Damned Crazy?

The Obamas Are Into What-Now?! (Video)

Colleen Kane — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 17:23:00 GMT

We at Scanner are no prudes, and we're glad Barack and Michelle are so affectionate and seem to have a healthy relationship. But did this lady on Fox, who was discussing the first couple's physical gestures of affection, just say what we think she said?

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While You Were Sleeping: Mariah Carey's Big Movie Surprise

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A topless revue that played the Tropicana in Vegas for almost half a century has shut down.

Crazy Courtney Love is "not anti-semitic," according to the Jews.

Remember that family that waited twelve years to report their adopted son's disappearance? Surprise, they are now facing murder charges.

Can you believe today is the last day of the Bush presidency? It all went by so fast... ha ha ha. Did you notice how we never once, in the eight years since he stole the election, referred to him as "President Bush?" He'll always be an asterisk to us.

Don't ever trust ultra-conservative Fox to live up to their ultra-conservative grandstanding when it comes to your naked photos-- they'll gladly exploit them for ratings.

Yet another reason Jimmy Fallon's late night show is gonna blow goats.

Here's the real surprise of the Sundance Film Festival: Mariah Carey is getting very strong reviews... and by strong, we don't mean "strongly-worded diatribes." Could this be the beginning of her biggest success of all?

And our new Mrs. Vice President reveals her husband was offered his choice of the #2 job or Secretary of State.

Naked Man Banned From Playing with His (Bowling) Balls

Wonder Woman Somehow More Wonderous If Covered in Body Paint

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

We Wish They'd Shut Down American Idol Instead of Stripper Idol

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:56:00 GMT

Did anyone else see this train wreck, pictured above, who somehow manage to squeak by the competition and land a trip to Hollywood? Not only did she skank it to the max to highlight her vocal shortcomings, but then she tried to make out with Ryan Seacrest-- twice. Bleech.

30.1 million people tuned in for Tuesday night's season premiere of American Idol. Among those who were not watching-- patrons at the Austin bar The Palazio Men's Club, who had better things to do...

(Sure, the contest is on Thursday nights, but it's not like the patrons were watching Fox the other night, what with glorious stripping right in front of them.)

American Idol's lawyers, who apparently have infinite amounts of money and time, decided to shut down the Texas competition which pits amateur topless females in 60-second strip-offs for a cash prize of $500. (That's it? Hell, strippers used to make $500 a night each... and now there'll only be one and everyone else gets zilch?) The bored lawyers claim that the "color scheme, design and font" of the Austin competition is too similar to the Fox one-- we're sure it's identical, but that's not the point-- and then this gem:

"There is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest."

Right. Grandma who wants to see another Jordan Sparks wannabe is going to go to a bar, thinking that the show is no longer on TV, and will somehow miss that the word "American" has been changed to "STRIPPER." Of course, the judge will side with whomever has the highest-paid lawyers, so Texas is screwed again.

Related:

Famous A-hole Puts His Name Where It Doesn't Belong... Again

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Forget everything you heard in 2008!!! It turns out hanging with that hepcat Jesus really does contribute to keeping America's youth free from sin.

According to Janet Rosenbaum, a post doctoral fellow at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, young people with strong religious backgrounds become sexually active about three years later than their non-religious peers. (It should be noted that her numbers are based on data collected from middle and high school students in 1995 and 1996, way back when even we were religious and not having sex.) But don't be fooled by those pesky virginity pledges or purity rings, she says.

Rosenbaum's study showed that making a virginity pledge doesn't play a role any sexual behavior because teenagers who take a pledge are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence. The study also revealed that those who took virginity pledges where less likely to use condoms that non-pledgers, she said.

So those kids with their purity rings can stop frontin'! However, if Rosenbaum thinks the numbers reflect the actions of today's teenagers, by "sex" she must mean purely "penis in vagina," because if we remember correctly, teenagers across the nation are gladly taking it up the ass—and other orifices—these days.

Of course, only FOXNews would report on a story that's based on 13-year-old statistics about 13-year-olds.

[FOXNews: Study: Religious Teens More Likely to Abstain from Sex]

ABC Calls Drunken Teenage Anal Sex "Love Making," Interviews Jezzies and Ultimately Tries to be Helpful
Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings
Video of the Day: Have You Taken Your Virginity Pledge Yet?
Today in WTF: Virginity Pledges Actually Work?
The Father-Daughter Purity Ball Is One Party Scanner Will Not Be Attending

While You Were Sleeping: Adam Sandler Loses

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Five banks were robbed on Monday in New York City. So far, no Depression-style Bonnie and Clyde types have emerged from these robberies or any others during the economic collapse.

Roland Burris, a former Attorney General, has been appointed as Obama's Illinois replacement in the Senate.

What is up with a country that starts putting diapers on its animals? Egypt, you have a lot of living to do.

Remember Tiffany Shepherd? She was the teacher who claimed to have been fired for having sexy pictures on her MySpace and a supposedly risque moonlighting gig. Now she's been arrested for harassing her ex's new girlfriend.

Never mind Jennifer Aniston, who took a backseat to a dog in that Marley movie anyway, Clint Eastwood and Tom Cruise were the surprise winners at the box office this weekend. The loser? Adam Sandler.

A soldier is suing the military for its "Christian bias."

Warner Brothers and Fox are unable to see eye to eye on the Watchmen movie, which means it may not be released any time soon.

And Iranian students, upset at Britain's support for Israel, stormed the UK's embassy in their country.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

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More Pictures Released from Jennifer Aniston's Naked 'GQ' Spread

Sexist Sex and the City Ripoff... With A Terrible Twist

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 17:32:00 GMT

Robert Altman's The Player opens with a send-up of Hollywood pitch meetings, including one where Buck Henry pitches a sequel to The Graduate, almost a quarter century later. The joke pitches are cringe-inducing in a humorous way, but you had to say to yourself, "This is probably nothing compared to how bad the real movie and TV ideas are that people are trying to sell."

Case in point: this bizarre new TV series being developed, according to the Hollywood Reporter, by who else but the Fox Network...

Check out the Reporter's description of the show:

Talk about a hairy "Sex and the City."

The Fox network is developing "Bitches," a dramedy about a quartet of female friends in New York who are werewolves. [Oh, so not only does it, in a way, rip off Buffy The Vampire Slayer, it also demeans and insults women! And, of course, it's a Fox production...]
The project, which has received a script plus penalty commitment from the network, hails from feature writer Michael Dougherty and Warner Bros. TV. [T]he project... [is] described as a quirky urban fairy tale...

"Bitches" continues the werewolf theme from Dougherty's recent horror flick "Trick 'r Treat." [And we all remember how sensationally entertaining and intelligent that feature was, right? If we remember it at all, that is...]
2009 is shaping up to be a big year for werewolves with the release of the Benicio del Toro-starring remake of "The Wolfman" and the "Twilight" sequel "New Moon." [Wonderful-- now they've sucked Benicio into their remake machine of doom?!]
WMA-repped Dougherty's writing credits also include "Superman Returns" and "X2: X-Men United." [No comment.]

Image via.

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Sloppy Seconds: Secret Celebrity Weddings... Who Done It?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 23:12:00 GMT

Fox News just got a little less liberal. (Bet you didn't know that was possible.) Hannity and Colmes will now just be, um, Hannity. [Yahoo]

Dr. Pepper was giving away free soda to celebrate the release of Guns 'N Roses' long-anticipated Chinese Democracy. Apparently, though, the high demand for free drinks crashed the beverage makers' website, leaving rock fans everywhere thirsty and disappointed. [Vulture]

Did you know Jason Lee was married? Neither did we. [Us]

Who else got secretly married?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. As if you care. Sorry. [People]

R. Kelly's nephew has been charged with attempted murder after a brawl in a barbershop. [MTV]

Was John McCain the only one who didn't know "suspending" his campaign was a terrible idea? Scanner Brian totally called it. [Political Wire]

What Do You Do When a Black Man is Elected President?

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 16:48:00 GMT

Why, you smoke weed and make babies.

While we hope this L.A. Fox affiliate newscaster wasn't trying to make any racial assumptions (because, let's be honest, if we weren't sitting in a bar in Kanas City with just our family and a few stragglers, we might have smoked it up and had some fun, too), this short clip almost makes it seem that way.

Contex, people!

Oh, and we'd like to clarify that if we'd had any weed we would have smoked it, even though we were in a bar, in Kansas City, with our family.

What A Five-Year-Old Thinks Of The Election

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

[Image]

This Week In Gayness: We Say No To That Yes On Prop 8

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

As we reported earlier, the gay romance on Grey's Anatomy has ended, thanks to a questionable change in the TV show's storyline. Hmmm...

We're still wondering about these gay-baiting robo-calls.

How is this guy still allowed out of the house? Ever? He should do 500 years in prison, at minimum:

A gay disc jockey in Raleigh originally convicted of violating HIV infection regulations in August has been placed on house arrest after admitting he broke probation orders in early October. On Sept. 6, Q-Notes reported that Joshua Waldon Weaver, 23, who works in clubs in Raleigh and Wilmington, pleaded guilty to charges that he failed to disclose his HIV-positive status and engaged in unprotected sex with three people. Weaver was given a suspended jail sentence and placed on probation. The terms of his probation ordered Weaver to use protection when engaging in sexual activity. About two weeks ago Weaver was arrested after Wake County Public Health officials contacted his probation officer with information that he had possibly violated court orders by having sex without a condom. Assistant District attorney Boz Zellinger told The News & Observer that health officials became aware of the DJ's violation after he contracted another sexually transmitted disease that could have been prevented by the use of a condom. Weaver could have faced 40 days in jail for his most recent violation, but District Court Judge Jacqueline Brewer instead sentenced him to six months of electronically-monitored house arrest. He will not be allowed to leave his father's house except for probation-approved employment.

Not that it matters now, but Obama did not support Prop 8. Pro 8, as you may have heard, appears to have passed, thanks to bigoted Mormons and, ironically, the black vote. Meanwhile, Florida and Arizona aren't helping move this country out of the Dark Ages.

And the Simpsons are causing controversy once again, this time with gay groups decrying the latest episode of the hit Fox show. (You can see the clip here, with the offending section at 15:45.)

Bart Simpson's cartoon nemesis is being blasted for his use of the schoolyard taunt "that's so gay" while bullying resident nerd Milhouse Van Houten in The Simpsons' annual Halloween episode airing last Sunday.

But the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network says the remark is nothing to laugh at.

"Many people say gay without even realizing what they're saying is bad,'" GLSEN spokesman Daryl Presgraves tells E! News.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Wants To Be Used... For Her Brain

Democratic State Senator Busted For Stuffing Her Bra

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

Sloppy Seconds: Which Olsen Twin Would Like You to Put a Baby in Her?

House Hotties Break Network TV Rules With Raunchy Sex Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Who woulda thunk Fox would be the network to air a groundbreaking (well, for network TV) lesbian sex scene? Well, that's precisely what's set to happen on Tuesday night, if this promo for the hit show House M.D. is to be believed...

Note that this video is NSFW, even if it is airing on (we can't get over it, so we'll say it again) the Fox Network:

Ironically, we posted a Who Would You Rather? on Friday that featured another medical drama's lesbian characters. We're pretty sure these two blow the Grey's Anatomy ladies off screen, even with a laughably fake scene like this one, at least on the pushing-boundaries angle...

Check them out for yourself and let us know.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Doctor Edition

Hot, Lesbian Doctor Action Coming to Tonight's "Grey's Anatomy?"

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

Town Rallies Behind Principal Who Discriminated Against Lesbian Student

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Is there even more "Sex and the City" in our future? [Us]

If you're just dying to hear Britney Spears' new single "Womanizer," here: [Radar]

Thank the God in heaven (who we don't really believe in): Elisabeth Hasselbeck is leaving The View (that we don't really watch) for Fox News (which we absolutely don't watch). [PopCrunch]

Is there trouble in Olsen Twin paradise? But not double trouble (har, har). [MollyGood]

Cynthia Nixon is very pleased with Brad Pitt these days. [People]

"It would be a disgrace and a humiliation if Barack Obama does not win," according to Woody Allen. [Yahoo!]

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Even Sarah Palin's Breasts Want You to Vote for Barack Obama

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Oh, those aren't Sarah Palin's breasts? Well, with all the nude pictures of the Republican veep nominee floating around the Interwebs, you could have fooled us.

Highs:

We learned to love Matt Damon. A little.

We helped spread some rumors about the Palin kids. And that was fun.

We did what we could to help the giant penis man.

We got super sappy over Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi's wedding video.

We just can't get enough Photoshopped pictures of Republicans.

We found the most ~~inappropriate~~ amazing slide ever.

We know what you're getting for Christmas.

We learned some new ways to talk about masturbation.

Lows:

Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan reminded us that yesterday was September 11. And then it got worse.

We learned the war on sex may last longer than the war in Iraq.

We were completely overwhelmed with nude pictures of Sarah Palin.

We saw our future flash before our eyes, and devised a plan to change it.

Minnie Driver still won't tell us who her baby daddy is. But we have some ideas on the subject.

We sold out on our local Fox station.

[Image]

The XXX Files: Mulder Loves Poon, Porn, Or... Scully?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:22:00 GMT

This post was written by Sean Flanagan, our guest blogger, and Brian Fairbanks

As Scanner Brian told you this morning, David Duchovny joined the League of Hollywood Horndogs and has now entered rehab for Bill Clintonitis: sex addiction...

Please, look up at the picture now.

Him?

To have rehab worthy addiction, and to assume a public embarrassment, one must assume that he was wanting it (and maybe even getting it) so much that sex became detrimental to his family life and career.

Him? That guy with the cup over his balls? He's married to Tea Leoni. We don't blame him for having sexual addiction. (Unless, of course, this is really all about homey having a hooker habit. That or he couldn't stop rubbing up against his co-workers. Or the corner of tables and desks to get off. Or... or or or...)

Mulder, please get better. We would really like to see an X-Files 3, one that would actually answer any of the convoluted plot points that the series ended on instead of a mediocre stand-alone story that was basically a rip off of Silence of the Lambs with Frankensteins.

Which sounds cool on paper, I don't blame you for doing it. But the world is supposed to end in 2012 and you were on the run from Super Soldiers. What happened?

Scully Wants Mulder To Die Masturbating in "X-Files 3"

Red Hot Chili Peppers Sue Showtime For Besmirching Their Sterling Reputation

Porn Poll: How Do You Like Your Porn?

The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

Who Would You Rather: House vs. McDreamy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:23:00 GMT

Plus the results of our "Who Would You Rather: Julie Newmar vs. Michelle Pfeiffer" Catwoman edition...

The winner... Julie Newmar, with 53% of the vote. (Of course, Eartha Kitt may have played third party spoiler in this case...)

Which is the bigger TV doctor sex symbol? Hugh Laurie, as the title character on Fox's "House, M.D." or Patrick Dempsey as Dr. McSteamy on ABC's "Grey's Anatomy"? Future philosophers will debate this very question over robot-made Red Bull Infused Hot Tea... or whatever they'll be doing in 2009...

Previously:

Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar

Who Would You Rather, Celebrity Chef Edition: Gordon Ramsay vs. Bobby Flay?

Who Would You Rather?: Kanye West vs. Jay Z

Who Would You Rather: Founding Fathers Edition

Sloppy Seconds: Is Ryan Seacrest Out?

Emily Farris — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Hey Ladies, reading most women's magazines is probably bad for your mental health. [Jezebel]

Why is it ok to publish paintings of boy and girl parts but not photographs? [Jossip]

Something new-ish to read while you're sitting alone at the bar trying to make eyes at the bartender: "Draft Magazine." [Fishbowl NY]

We might make fun of Amy Winehouse on occasion, but we love her music and we're super excited that she's supposedly working on a potential James Bond theme. [Yahoo!]

The Sex and the City movie will not open in New York City. [People]

No, no, no. I hope you didn't think we implying that— Anyway, rumor has it that Ryan Seacrest may be out at American Idol soon. [MollyGood]

[Image]

Video of the Day: "Moment of Truth" For Lauren Cleri, Humanity

Bryan Christian — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Holy Hannah! We are flabbergasted at the way Moment of Truth (Mondays on Fox!) contestant Lauren Cleri shivs her husband on national TV for $100,000 in the first minute of this clip. And it gets weirder from there. By the end, that dude from Antiques Roadshow is sermonizing like a Jerry Springer understudy and, even more strangely, you might actually have some sympathy for Mrs. (though we're guessing soon it'll be Ms.) Cleri.

Goddamn you, WGA! Your strike may be over, but the carnage you've wrought will never end!

UPDATE: Gawker's found her MySpace page and the New York Post got an interview with young Lauren. Apparently, she did it for the money. Ohhhhhhhh...

[via]

FOX News Porn: "This is over the top. Roll the tape."

Bryan Christian — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 13:08:00 GMT

Behold -- two minutes (well, like a minute and a half) of borderline-NSFW smut, gleaned entirely from Fox News broadcasts. Sadly, like most soft-core smut, there's too much story, but still: pleasantly arousing. Oh, also: terrifying.

Hey Scanner Sarah and Nicole: y'all find any more candidates for this in there?