Scanner : food

Kama Sutra Chocolate

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:47:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: What is it about chocolate and sex that go so well together? Never mind, I think I figured it out.

Anyway, want the Kama Sutra in chocolate form? So do I, but this solid milk chocolate bar only comes in one Kama Sutra position of your choice. Which is too bad, because there's an even better, naughtier version of the Kama Sutra in Chocolate:

Read more...

Hot or Not: Playboy's 10 Sexiest CEO's

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:28:00 GMT

We're not sure how Playboy's (sadly) Safe For Work list of the ten "sexiest" female CEO's in the US qualifies as "sexiest" or even "sexy." Maybe it's the fact that these women probably make lots of money that appeals to the writer.

Even if you think these are ten incredibly hot babes, it's hard to see what's so appealing about seeing them on the Playboy site in their ~~birthday~~ business suits.

For example, check out the standouts:

Who she is: Julie Smolyansky [see above photo]
CEO of: Lifeway Foods; makers of kefir and other specialty dairy products
Age: 33
2008 revenue: $38.7 million
Year founded: 1986
Website: lifeway.net

Why she’s on top: Julie became CEO, treasurer and president when her father, the founder, died of a sudden heart attack. She went back to work the next morning, and under her direction the company more than quadrupled its stock price. A fitness junkie, she ends every day with a trip to the gym. It's obvious to us that all her investments are yielding impressive returns.

What, no lingerie photos or mock-Got Milk? shots from her session? And no punning remarks?

This one has the lingerie connection and a porn star's last name, but... no luck:

Who she is: Claire Chambers
CEO of: Journelle, a lingerie retail company
Age: 29
2008 revenue: $2 million
Year founded: 2007
Website: journelle.com

Why she's on top: After spending a few years in the buttoned-up worlds of management consulting and investment banking, she slipped into something a little more comfortable: lingerie. Now she spends her days letting women everywhere know that sexy and sophisticated underthings aren't just for special occasions, they're the kind of luxury they should indulge in every day. We couldn’t agree more.

This one's more like it... but... still lacking in the NSFW department:

Who she is: Kerry Knee
CEO of: Flirty Girl Fitness, a fitness lifestyle company
Age: 38
Number of employees: 120
Year founded: 2005
Website: flirtygirlfitness.com

Why she's on top: A former IT exec and calculus major from Toronto, Kerry—and her sister Krista—opened Flirty Girl Fitness as a social club where women can sweat hard in classes like Hottie Body Boxing and XXX Power Strip, then play hard at the "Flirty Girl Bar" afterward. We're burning calories just thinking about it.

See all 10 of the women at Playboy.com.

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10 Sexiest Women Over 50 (Part Two)

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Maine Wood Frogs More Despreate For Sex Than We Are

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:59:00 GMT

It turns out that a colony of wood frogs in Maine are more desperate for sex than we are. The 2 to 2 1/2-inch frogs that quack like ducks are in some serious trouble. You see, once they come out of hibernation, the little guys and gals have what they call "Big Night." It's their annual spring mating ritual, and it generally coincides with the first warm spring rain. But up in northern Maine, their favorite orgy pool, "Club Amphibian" is still iced over. And it gets worse.

Unlike some of us who eat too much to make up for the fact that we haven't had sex in, say, five months, wood frogs cannot eat until they've mated.

"There's a little, little bit of open water around the edges, so the animals usually hang out around the edges, waiting to get in," Aram Calhoun, a University of Maine associate professor of wetland ecology and a wetland scientist for Maine Audubon in Orono, said. "Isn't that something? That must be depressing for a cold-blooded animal. You get to the edge of the pool, and the whole bloody thing is frozen and they're probably saying, 'I told you it was too early to go.' There will be a lot of salamander divorces this time of year," she said.

Salamanders, however, apparently have many years to breed while wood frogs need to make it happen. Now. "Wood frogs are explosive breeders, yet they only live 3 to 5 years, so they only have a couple of times, if that, to breed," Calhoun said. "So, they're very anxious. Much more than the salamanders, which live 15 to 20 years."

This might explain why wood frogs are so damn horny:

Salamanders gather congress-style - they all get in the pool together - and do a little courtship dance, and no one gets hurt. With wood frogs, it's not good to be a female. "It's not uncommon for the females to drown, because she has three or four males on top of her," Calhoun said.

Wood frogs are the only frogs she knows of that attempt to mate with non-frog species.To illustrate just how crazy wood frog sex can be, Calhoun's graduate student, Kevin J. Ryan, who is working on his study site in Canterbury, Conn., photographed a wood frog trying to mate with a salamander."We've had wood frogs mating with our data loggers," Calhoun said. "The data loggers, they're in little plastic containers and they're mating with the containers. They don't care. It's just something to put your arms around. It's been a long winter, you know?"

Oh, we know. It has been a long winter.

But back to the frogs... if "Club Amphibian" doesn't thaw soon, they'll most likely move onto a new orgy pool, which, as Calhoun points out, could result in many squished frogs in the road.

Godspeed, little wood frogs!

[Sun Journal: Driven to mate, frogs on the move to orgy pools]

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Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

Aria Giovanni Wants To Show You How To Do Something

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:21:00 GMT

Why is Aria Giovanni showing us bachelors how to cook via Break.com videos and do we care? Not "do we care that she's on Break.com showing us how to do things we'll quickly turn into four-alarm fires" but does anyone care what she's saying, with images like these?

Note that at about 1:30... she appears to be lightly stroking the long stem handle... hmmm, very interesting demonstration...

Aria Giovanni Teaches Us How To Boil Eggs

In case you didn't know, Aria Giovanni is a nude model and, um, self-described actress who was the Penthouse Pet for September of 2000. You may recall her previous Scanner appearance when we shared the first episode of James Gunn's PG Porn. We'd share more of these videos if she did something, you know... exciting.

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Sloppy Seconds: Oral Sex is Bad, Mmmmkay?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

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From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

Disabled Girl May Win Runway Model Contest

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 21:29:00 GMT

She has four kidneys. Four kidneys, one hand, major digestion problems, and worse arthritis than your great-grandmother. And she's in the running to become the next Teen Princess UK...

According to the Daily Mail, 15-year-old Brit Maryelen Loughran idolizes former winner and tabloid magnet Katie Price and, despite having Motility Syndrome, which means she must keep a tube pumping food through her body for her entire waking day. But she is one of the strongest people we've come across in ages. Just check out these excerpts from her interview:

'My idol is Jordan, not because I want to be a glamour model, but because I think she is a strong independent woman who doesn't care what anyone thinks.
'I think having my disability - although I don't like to think of it as that - makes you think like that. It's worked for her and she is very successful.'

'He took some photos and then he posted them to us and I though why not give it a go - you have to have a positive outlook on life and can't be scared to try new things.'

Why not, right? It makes our problems seem ridiculously minuscule in comparison.

Via the Daily Mail.

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PapSmeared: Somebody Should Tell Suri Cruise That Flip-Flops Aren't Part of the Scientology Detox Diet

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:44:00 GMT

But damn, she still makes us want to have babies. Like, right now.

[Image]

Today in WTF?: Man Pours Chili on His Pregnant Girlfriend

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:11:00 GMT

Domestic disturbances are getting really, um, disturbing lately. First there was the woman who handcuffed herself to her husband and then bit the shit out of him because she wanted to talk and now we hear the story of a man who poured chili on his pregnant girlfriend because he didn't want to go to the other room to watch TV.

The 26-year-old victim told investigators her boyfriend, with whom she has two children and is nine weeks pregnant, came home Thursday evening and wanted to watch TV in their bedroom.

Boyfriend Edd M. Johnson, 21, is accused of kicking the TV and breaking it after she asked that he watch TV in the other room of the residence in the 2900 block of Southeast Delmar Street. The victim went to slice the power cord of the other TV with scissors when police said Johnson grabbed her neck and pulled her away.

The victim called her sister, who called the sheriff’s office. She grabbed her kids and got in her vehicle when Johnson came out with a can of chili.

“Edd also grabbed at (the victim’s) bra which tore off of her,” the report states. “Edd then poured the chili into the vehicle over the drivers seat of the vehicle and on (the vicitm)”

Deputies noted a “brown liquid substance” over the driver’s seat and on the left side of the victim’s face and ear. The 10-month-old child also had some in her hair.

Ew.

One would think that in these tough economic times we should be hoarding non-perishable chili, not using it as a weapon.

[TCPalm: Stuart man accused of pouring chili on girlfriend during argument]

Related:

Woman Handcuffs Husband to.... Talk?

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

Shameless Self Promotion: My Book! (<--There's a chili cheese corndog recipe in there!)

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Cloris Leachman Won't Wait For Her Entree, Wants You Now

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Seeing The Last Picture Show on VHS at age 12 did three things for our childhood: 1) we finally understood why men salivated over Cybill Shepherd; 2) we became madly obsessed with the honky tonk music of Hank Williams and 3) we developed a crush on an actress we assumed was still a total unknown, an Oscar winner named Cloris Leachman.

In the movie, Leachman seduces (or allows herself to be seduced by) a shy high school boy, who ultimately falls in love with her and loses her in a fit of miscommunication. Leachman, who plays an aging housewife in a heartbreaking marriage, gives one of the best performances in screen history and virtually could have been her own movie.

Last year, when Leachman was on Dancing With the Stars, her career took off again and, to capitalize on it, the sexy senior is dishing dirt on her romances with famous co-stars and other Hollywood dudes, leaving out none of the racy details...

On then box-office sensation Gene Hackman:

"As we moved into the main course, it was as if a cosmic wind enveloped us. Some giant space magnet was pulling us together. We didn't finish the meal. We went upstairs, flew into bed and made love. It was epic. And the next morning, Gene went back to his film and I went back to mine. I haven't seen Gene since that night, but I remember well the feisty lad he was."

On Ed Asner, her co-star on the Mary Tyler Moore Show (yep, that's where you know her from):

"He always told me he loved me, and every once in a while, he'd grab me and whisper, 'You're God's gift to man!'

"One day we made an agreement that I would have sex with him if he lost 32 pounds. He almost did it; he lost 29 pounds. We both got so disoriented at what we were facing that his weight shot back up, and our assignation never happened."

And on singer Andy Williams, a lifelong friend:

"enduring passion" "tryst with caviar and champagne" "a cascade of photographs fell onto the floor and into my lap. All were handsome shots of his wife and his daughter.
"There was not much either of us could say. It was apparent to both of us where Andy's heart lay. . . . [It] ended not in a fiery affair but as it should have, with a light, friendly kiss."

In case 82-year-old Leachman is starting to turn you on, there's this news from yesterday:

68 percent of men between 57 and 85 reported having sex last year, as did 42 percent of women... more older women might have wanted to have sex, but there just aren't as many available older men for them to partner with. [HealthDay]

That's where you come in, dear readers...

Excerpts obtained by the NY Post.

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Cloris Leachman Makes Bad Reality Show Halfway Watchable, Sexy

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PapSmeared: Nick Nolte is Just a Yellow Collar Guy

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 15:04:00 GMT

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SXSW In Review: The Best Worst Week

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:19:00 GMT

Scanner Colleen is a spoiled brat. That's all we're going to say about this photo, which we reluctantly captured for her.

After a week in Austin, we're at Scanner Emily's in Kansas City, Missouri, en route to New York. You can practically smell the burnout on our clothes-- or maybe that's the three-day-old B.O.

Either way, we're exhausted for a 12+ hour drive through most of the state of Texas, all of Oklahoma and Kansas, and finally a quick hop over the Missouri border into Kansas City. Amazingly, Emily drove every inch of the way, including several stretches without the coffee IV in her arm. Along the way, we listened back to all the free music we'd obtained-- and here's what we discovered...

To me, at least, these were the five best acts and/or shows we stood through during Austin's South By Southwest 2009 Music Conference.

Richard Swift - we had just arrived at the Bust Party when this up-and-coming crooner/rocker took the stage at the Mohawk. We all planned to hit the bar and clean them out of Lone Star and/or Shiner Bock when Swift kicked into high gear. (Watch a song from his performance here.) Speaking for myself, I forgot my original first priority and the fact that Bishop Allen were playing next and just stood on the balcony, transfixed by the funky, sweet, and tightly-wound opening performance.

Harlem Shakes - We were at Maggie Mae's, thinking We Were Promised Jetpacks were playing. As the Jetpacks hit the stage, our first thought was, "Man, I think I had them confused with another band-- they're rockin', but something's different. A new lead singer?" It turned out, I had misread the Maggie Mae's poster and I was actually seeing Harlem Shakes, which I only realized after standing through the entire set, knowing I was seeing a true breakthrough performance. I'm glad I did.

M. Ward - Years ago, we saw M. Ward open for Cat Power at the Warsaw in Brooklyn. It was altogether-- and to this day-- the worst concert we've ever seen. Ward played a droning series of piano ballads and seemed lost. Chan came out later on and actually was lost-- wandering into a Jim Morrison-like abyss from which she finally emerged a few years later to become the great stage presence we heard through the hair in her face that night. So, it was with great reluctance that we attended BrooklynVegan's party headlined by Ward, lately of She & Him. Within seconds, we had realized two things: 1) Ward continues to distance himself from his audience and 2) the echo added to his vocals, the catchy new songs, and, most of all, the choice of acoustic guitar over piano made for a dramatic about-face from the 2003 (?) show in New York. Check out his latest record and the instantly catchy "For Beginners."

Ken Haddock - for most of the week, we enjoyed free lunches at Latitude 30's British Music Showcase. None of the performers we saw topped our first show-- that of a group of ragtag Belfast folkies hoping for their own little Once deals. Haddock was our favorite, and someone would be wise to cover his songs ASAP.

Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - I actually missed their show in the park, but Emily filled us in with some mp3s yesterday. The band, which isn't as (yet) popular as their tour mates Rilo Kiley, seem tighter and more focused than that other California band. Perhaps Thao isn't as distracted by solo projects as Jenny Lewis. Perhaps-- hate to say it-- their music is just better.

There were plenty of notable bands and memorable moments: our friends the Crystal Stilts... the surprise of seeing Dinosaur, Jr. for free at 1:30am at the Bust party... even saving Sylvain Sylvain's cell phone before he was to play with the New York Dolls. But those five artists mentioned above are the ones we came away with expecting we'll be bragging about for the next 12 months.

You should check out their music and do the same.

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

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Food We'd Like To F*ck: Scanwiches

Ina Maier — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 20:15:00 GMT

We really love food. Mostly, we like to eat food. But in those miraculous moments when we're not eating, we like to read about food. Or better yet, look at photos. Well, we've got a new favorite site for your food porn fix. Who knew sandwiches could be a work of art?

The guys behind Scanwiches, that's who! They had the genius idea of taking their lunchtime meals, and squashing them onto a scanner...or something. We can't quite figure out how they do it, but it's sure fun to look at! Here are our favorites.

Because, hello, it's lobster!

Ed’s Lobster Bar: Lobster Roll, on toasted bread

Because who knew messy could be so delicious?

Katz Deli: Lox, Cream Cheese, Tomato, on an everything bagel

And, lastly, because who knew a breakfast sandwich could be so depressing?

Grocery Deli-Pizza: Bacon, Egg, and Cheese on a roll

[via]

Related:

Food We'd Like To F*ck: Ever Wonder Why You're Fat?

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ABC News: Guess What? Sex Is Good For You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 20:58:00 GMT

Thank you, ABC News. Without you, we wouldn't be able to have sex without worrying whether we were "harming" ourselves. We were worried nasal-clearing, spirit-lifting orgasm were the worst thing that could happen to our tired, rundown, useless bodies.

Seriously, there is some interesting information in this and a rival USA Today report on how lowering your cholesterol can affect your sex life...

1) Via the good neighbors at ABC:

Men who have sex three times a week can decrease their risk of heart attack and stroke by 50 percent, while women who enjoy sex tend to live longer than those who don't, according to Drs. Michael Roizen and Mehmet Oz.
It's interesting information for a species that thrives on sex.
"Humans maybe are the most sexual species of all," Roizen, an anesthesiologist and internal medicine specialist at the Cleveland Clinic, said on "Good Morning America" today.
He said researchers know this because women are sexually active for almost their entire lives and throughout all times of their menstrual cycle, meaning that they choose to have sex even during times when they are physiologically unable to produce offspring, he added.

Startling. Women are sexually active for almost their entire lives. You heard it here first, people.

Great sex can make your body feel two to eight years younger for women and the same is true for men who have 150 to 350 orgasms a year.
But the benefits don't stop there. Increasing sex from once a month to once a week is the happiness equivalent of an additional $50,000 in income for the typical American, Oz said on "GMA" today.

Yes, but most men would give up $50,000 of their income for sex with someone, anyone, once a week. If you think we're kidding, you obviously didn't hear about the two women selling their virginity for millions of dollars.

2) USA Today one-ups this report with one on statin-based drugs, which lower your cholesterol.

The greater the drop in cholesterol from taking statin drugs, the more sexual pleasure is reduced, suggests a study due Friday at the American Psychosomatic Society meeting in Chicago.

This may be the first research to pit statins against placebos to see how the blockbuster statins affect the ability to have orgasms. Statins generated about $13.1 billion in sales last year, according to IMS Health.

So, you'll have to weigh how much you want your cholesterol to drop versus how much you want enjoy sex? That's harsh.

Good news, though: if you stop-taking these life-saving drugs, your sex life will likely improve. The bad news is... something.

Via ABC and USA Today.

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While You Were Sleeping: Paula Deen Moons Her Audience

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Memo to Citibank employees: if you receive a letter requesting $27 million for the Bank of Ethiopia, check to make sure it wasn't posted in Nigeria.

The GOP attacked Obama on the stimulus... but this guy couldn't name a single piece of "pork," not even a general category.

You have to wait till the end of this Walker: Texas Ranger clip for the payoff-- and it's laugh-out-loud, knee-slappin' good times...

Ah, young love: these days, it entails sex with your teacher dozens of times in several locations, including the parking lot of a K-Mart.

A man accidentally shot himself during a robbery attempt. He proceeded to lose the loot... and his pants.

Prince dedicated his secret Hollywood concert after the Oscars to Penelope Cruz.

Authorities busted 500 people and freed 48 child prostitutes in a major raid yesterday.

And, in perhaps one of the greatest YouTube moments so far, Paula Deen mooned her fans at the Miami Food and Wine Festival...

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That's How Obama Rolls

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:17:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Do you heart Obama as much as you heart sushi?

Read more...

PETA Takes On Foie Gras, Valentine's Day, Decency Laws

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:24:00 GMT

Every year, PETA tries to top themselves for Valentine's Day. Since no one surveys the establishments or companies they protest in order to judge the effectiveness of a PETA-led boycott, there's no way of knowing whether these campaigns are having an effect one or another.

However, there's no denying it makes for a popular local news report...

Sometime yesterday, five PETA protesters took off their tops and covered their bosoms with signs reading "Have a heart -- drop foie gras" and stood in read heels in front of Selfridges, an upscale department/grocery store in London. Selfridges has not joined other fancy-schmancy stores in the UK in dropping foie gras from its stock, apparently believing force-feeding terrorist geese is okay as long as they're tasty. Or something. In any case, they basically blew off the protesters, while photographers, locals, and leering tourists snapped photos of the activists.

The BBC, the Independent, and the AFP have the skimpy story, while we have their photos. (Apparently, these were taken on London Bridge, which we thought was in Arizona these days, but whatever...)

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Giada De Laurentiis: Still Not Doing Food Porn

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

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Food We'd Like To F*ck: Ever Wonder Why You're Fat?

Ina Maier — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 22:34:00 GMT

Today is a special "Pop Quiz!" edition of Food We'd Like F*ck:

1) Do you ever wonder why you're fat?

2) Do you love food?

2a) Do you love food that is deep-fried / smothered in cheese / of an abnormally large portion size?

3) Does the phrase "Food Porn" mean anything to you?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, keep reading...

Scanner would like to take this moment to introduce you to your newest source of Food Porn...

This Is Why You're Fat: Where Dreams Become Heart Attacks

A food blog of the lowest common denominator, This Is Why You're Fat pulls together a daily offering of all that fattiest concoctions your beleaguered heart could ever desire, including (but not limited to)...

The (previously covered) Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt

The French Fry-Encased Hot Dog On A Stick

And (our personal favorite): The Bacon-Sprinkled Donut

Check it out. Your arteries won't be disappointed.

[All food photos via; Top photo via]

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes

Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Meat and Mashed Potato Cupcakes

Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:59:00 GMT

Two 19-year-old Russian men—Yuri Mozhnov, a florist, and Maxim Golovatskhikh, a street-market butcher and one-time psychiatric patient—were arrested after they enjoyed a simple pot roast of potatoes and 16-year-old girl.

The men are suspected of drowning the girl—an acquaintance—cutting her body up into pieces, roasting some of it (with potatoes!) and disposing of the rest around their city.

Parts of what police believe is the girl's body have been found scattered in plastic bags.

So why'd they do it?

"The arrestees said they ate the girl's body parts because they were hungry," said Sergei Kapitonov, a spokesman for the city's prosecutors.

[Telegraph: Russian men 'cooked and ate' teenage girl]

Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

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Food We'd Like To F*ck: Rainbow Cake!

Ina Maier — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Contrary to our gastro-intestinal beliefs and the culinary capabilities of one Scanner Emily, this is not a food blog. This is, however, a photo of a cake that we fully intend to make, like, tomorrow. More photos, recipe, and general multi-colored excitement after the jump.

We can't shower The Omnomicon with enough praise for having the ingenuity and sheer stick-to-it-ive-ness to come up with and complete this cake. That said, the recipe she offers is fat-free which, while admirable and honorable, is not something we can really get behind. So, we've dutifully tweaked the recipe to allow for the full fat festivities.

And so:

Ingredients

-2 Boxes of White Cake Mix

-Whatever the back of the White Cake Mix box says

-Gel food colouring

-Frosting of your choice (We'd probably recommend the kind with colored sprinkles. They're pretty.)

The Making Of The Cake Batter:

Follow the instructions on the box.

The Making Of The Rainbow Cake, per Omnomicon's instructions:

Measure the total volume (by my estimate, 64 oz), then divide by 6 and measure into separate bowls. There are 8 oz in a cup, so 64/6 = 10 to 11 oz, or 1 cup + 2 tbsp.

Stir colour into each bowl with its own spoon. For the first colour into the pan, measure out 2/3 to 3/4 of your mix (in this case about 1 c) as close to the middle as you can. Drop in your first three colours, then work on the other pan with the last three colours. So if you're doing rainbow order, the first pan should have red, then orange, then yellow, and now the purple, blue and green go into the second pan. As a recap, this is so both layers are roughly the same size.

Bake the cake as instructed on the box.

The Frosting Of The Rainbow Cake

Take spatula. Alternate physical act of frosting with physical act of eating frosting.

The Eating Of The Rainbow Cake

Cut slices. Alternate physical act of eating with physical act of taking as many photos as possible, none of which will come close to the beauty of the following:

Way more awesome photos here, here, and here.

Actual recipe, far more detailed instructions, and all around awesomeness can be found here.

Now, we're off to see what semblance of high school math we can remember that would allow us to turn this colored confection into cupcakes. So many brightly colored dollops. Yum.

In Defense of Cindy "Cookie Monster" McCain

Scanner Survey: Sexy Food

Shameless Self Promotion: My Book!

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes

Bacon Bra, Meet Your Soulmate

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Remember this from last year? Some of you must've, since it got linked just about everywhere and caused at least two vegetarians to publicly convert. (Okay, we made up the latter detail.)

The sports blog InGameNow has unveiled... the bacon bikini...

Another perk thanks to working from home: we can order four bacon cheeseburgers and no one is here to stop us. Or steal them.

By the way, the Modern Materialist has a purse for those ladies who love bacon... overcooked bacon, that is:

More photos at InGameNow.

Related:

No Regrets, We May Have Finally Found A Hangover Cure

Fatties: Get Up, Get Out So You Can Still Get it Up

Today in Food Porn: The Bacon Bra

Carmen Electra's Latest Playboy Shoot Explains Why The Magazine Is Failing

If You're Doing Anything For the Next Ten Minutes...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 14:06:00 GMT

...get lost in this extraordinarily adorable, funny, sexy, and entirely delicious stop-motion film starring muffins, limes, squash, and other edibles.

The internet doesn't get any better than this, folks. More of this lady's animated mastery is on exhibit here.

Today's Topless PETA Roundup

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 16:22:00 GMT

The fact that these topless PETA roadshows are getting fewer and fewer press hits might mean the animal rights group-- which, incidentally, euthanizes 90% of the animals in its care on an annual basis-- is on its last legs...

(Speaking of legs, don't ya kind of wish the girl on he right, whose name is apparently Virginia Fort, was the one half-naked and writhing on the ground? There's a lame and possibly offensive joke about her having a fortified "virgine," a la Borat, but we're too in love with her right now to bother.)

These ladies got in trouble with the law yesterday in Greenville, South Carolina when they should have been at home, worshiping President Obama. Then again, we're pretty sure they didn't get led away in cuffs, so score one for free speech.

On the other side of the world, Sydney, Australia today again proved that it remains PETA's #1 city for naked protesting, with this rather more effective campaign equating carnivorism with, well, cannibalism.

Top two photos via yesterday's Greenville, SC Online-- more here. Sydney photos via Flickr.

Related:

One Pro Cheerlearder Urges Another to Lay Off the Animals

PETA..blah blah...Sea Kittens...blah blah...MAKE YOUR OWN!

Caged Heat: PETA Takes Topless Roadshow To Louisiana

Sloppy Seconds: So There IS Hope in Dope

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Josh Brolin may have killed Sean Penn on the big screen (spoiler my ass; pick up a history book Wikipedia) but they are totes in love in the real world. [Vulture]

Eight-year-old Emily knew that Scanner Emily would become a crazy cat lady, but how did six-year-old Emily know Scanner Emily would take six years to finish college? [eefers]

Six-year-old Emily was not aware that Scanner Emily would grow up and develop a very serious condition called Status Update Disorder. [The Atlantic]

You must be a real fucking stud to survive testicular cancer, then win the Tour de France seven times, and after all that cutting and jiggling and jaggling, knock some chick up. [People]

In addition to hosting his TV shows, writing cookbooks and tending to his restaurants, Bobby Flay will have a SIRIUS XM radio show as of tomorrow. If he'd like a sidekick, we're more than happy to move back to New York. [Yahoo!]

Brad Pitt totally inhaled funny cigarettes in the 90's, proving to parents everywhere that there is hope in dope. (Repeat it with me, kids: There is hope in dope!) [Radar]

Pepper Spray and Tasers, Josh Brolin Arrest Video

Sloppy Seconds: Pornos Will Save Us All

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You Know What is Too Big

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

Over the past few weeks, I've developed somewhat of an Intercestuous relationship with Rachel Kramer Bussel.

In mid-December, I happened upon Rachel's Facebook page after a mutual friend had RSVP'd for the Cupcakes Take the Cake (Rachel's cupcake blog) anniversary party. As you know, I get a little too excited by food, especially cupcakes. I knew I'd heard her name elsewhere and after poking around her profile I realized that she's also an editor at Penthouse, has edited and contributed to a bazillion erotica anthologies and that she should be my new BFF (though I took no action to make this happen).

Days later, in a fascinating turn of small-world events, I was assigned a piece by SXSW World, the official magazine of South by Southwest. The editor said I was to profile none other than one Miss Rachel Kramer Bussel, who will host a food panel at SXSW Interactive. By the time we met for our interview the following week, she had already purchased my book, and made a recipe from it. She showed up with a copy of her most recent book, Best Sex Writing 2009 (for which I'm currently working up my Amazon review), and a cupcake. Insta-girl crush. (Men, for future reference: shower women with literature and cupcakes.)

Since our meeting, I've interviewed Rachel for an article that should appear on the Nerve homepage any day now, and she added me to the April lineup for her erotic reading series, In the Flesh (it's virgin night!).

Anyway, all of this is a really long explanation to say that she has a great column this week over at The Frisky where she explores the dealbreaker that is The Too Big Penis. Also, in writing this post I hope to coin the term "Intercest."

Okay, time to get to work on that article...

Related:

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Meat and Mashed Potato Cupcakes**

Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Image by Hilary McHone

This Porno Parsnip Has a Wee Peen

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 21:33:00 GMT

It may be small, but aren't you just the slightest bit impressed that it even has a peen? You know you want to see it...

Unfortunately for that parsnip, he has nothing on this carrot.

[Gothamist: NSFW: Porno Parsnip!]

Related:

Would You Put This Anthropomorphic Carrot in Your Mouth?

KFC Employees Found Finger Lickin' Clean in the Kitchen

Scanner Survey: Sexy Food

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

Scanner Emily's Savory Sweet Potato Recipe

While You Were Sleeping: Mexican Beauty Queen Stripped... Of Her Title

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Players and connoisseurs of music, Thelonious Monk's advice on playing in his band is an essential look at a mad genius.

Never been kissed? These kooks hadn't either, so they decided to make out in public and then tell the Daily News their real names.

Courtney Love and the Kardashians are at war...

Courtney Love faces possible legal action after accusing socialite Kim Kardashian's brother Rob of punching one of her gay employees.
In an angry rant on her MySpace page written on Wednesday, Love alleged that Kardashian's brother Rob Jr. broke the nose of her employee while calling him a "faggot" in September.

Love writes: "Rob Jr. cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my guy was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside Hyde lounge."

Talk about adding insult to injury: not only is he named Mike Hunt, but the internet makes fun of his name when he's murdered.

At last, CNN does something good with its website: it reports on a 17-year-old Maryland kid who heard about violence against Sudanese women who go looking for firewood and decided to raise money to send them stoves.

The war between Lindsay Lohan and her father, and her father and Samantha Ronson, rages on.

A Mexican beauty queen lost her title after getting caught up in a drug sweep.

$100,000 worth of cashews were stolen in Sydney yesterday.

And rumors involving the possible engagement of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen turn out to have been false (we think.)

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:55:00 GMT

After multiple anxiety attacks, two attempts at selling my shit on the street (hey, I made $273!) and lots of heavy drinking that led to a few teary goodbyes, the time has come for me to make the move to Kansas City. So I'll be offline for the next few business days.

I still have to pack up my massive vintage Pyrex collection and get the swing out of the closet before my dad flies up on Friday. After what I predict will be an ill-fated trip to IKEA we're going to pack up the truck and ride off into the sunset, er snowstorm, early Saturday. Considering Dave gets grumpy easily and has a soft spot for (and not-so-soft belly because of ) road-side food and Rolling Rock, we'll probably make it a three-day trip—keeping me offline until Tuesday.

I've enlisted Scanner Nicole to blog a little while I'm away, and as always, you will be blessed with the blog stylings of Brian, Colleen, Matt and Verena. Be nice to them. Or I will cut you.

I'll be back Tuesday, beginning my official tenure as The Scanner Blogger from Kasnas City. I'll try not to get knocked-up or addicted to meth by then.

Related:

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

[Image]

PC World Picks The 11 Worst Blogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Strangely enough, there are no LOLCat-related sites on this list... although we'd certainly nominate them.

Bad Hair Day. Seriously, this one's so boring we won't even trouble you with an analysis.

The Senator Ted Stevens Campaign Blog

The Michael Sandecki blog. It seems the answer to every "Who the hell is ____?" question we ask these days can be answered with "American Idol."

The Pepsi-KFC Blog. What ever do they talk about? Whatever it is, it's not interesting enough to research further.

The Adventures of Pat O'Neil. Despite the fact that we are bloggers, we were unaware that fictional historical characters have absurdist blogs.

Jesus Fucking Christ, Jack in the Box has a fucking MySpace blog.

Paris Hilton: A Paris Hilton Fan Blog, which was probably created by Paris Hilton or one of her BFF fembots.

Kim Kardashian's blog, which is somehow more pathetic than any fan blog about Kim Kardashian.

Rosie O'Donnell's blog, which is somehow more pathetic than Kim Kardashian's blog. Ouch.

CheckOut, which is really a big ad for Wal-Mart, according to PC World.

And the winner is... The Dullest Blog in the World. No comment.

Via MSNBC.