Scanner : florida

Take Him to Detroit: America's 11 Most Depressing Places

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:46:00 GMT

This really ain't Michigan's week, is it? First, some dumbass ex-Mayor was arrested for having an extramarital affair in the middle of the street. Then, we made a mean joke about the Detroit Free Press and it's sex advice column, complete with a newspaper headline that says, "Detroit Blows." Now, comes word that Business Insider is further driving down the state's property values by including two MI cities on its list of the most depressing places in America.

Cheer up and enjoy this sprightly little list...

11. Stockton, CA. Stockton actually topped the recent Forbes list of the 10 worst places to live in the country, which is somehow different than "depressing." At that time, we commented: "The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here." It turns out that they Mayor has the town in an uproar for trying to unload his condo/apartment with a short sale.

10. Flint, MI. Business Insider calls Michael Moore's favorite city "an impoverished, depressing dump." In the 20 years since Roger & Me, no one claims the city has improved its quality of life, so we're going to have to assume BI is right to include it here.

9. Wichita, KS. Apparently, the only city with worse dating opportunities for young people is Kansas City, Missouri. And even though one of the scariest serial murderers in history, the BTK Killer, has been brought to justice, a cloud of dread hangs over the city like so many horrific tornadoes of the past... or something.

8. Alpharetta, GA. What the hell is Alpharetta, GA? "Alpharetta, a suburb of Atlanta, is the bank-failure capital of the U.S. Three banks based in Alpharetta--NetBank, Integrity Bancshares and Alpha Bank & Trust--failed in just 13 months. That's more than any other single town in America." Oh, that Alpharetta, GA....

7. West Palm Beach, FL. Business Week claims there really isn't a terrible place to live in Florida, while we insist all of Florida is terrible. If you want to live somewhere warm, move to a tropical island-- most people in FL just end up the source of hilarious news for the rest of the country. Speaking of hilarious, check out this bizarro ad for a company called Condo Vultures Realty. It's apparently real.

6. Kokomo, IN is not the place The Beach Boys told you-- not by any means. It has a staggering 20% unemployment rate (wonder how much that rises when you factor in the "real unemployment rate" in this country, which is somewhere around 15% now) and is likely to go down with the Titanic that is the nation's auto industry. If you ever needed a reason to move to Indiana... well, you won't find it here.

5. Mahoning Valley, OH. Really, this one's all about Youngstown-- formerly a great steel and mining community, Youngstown is now almost as violent as New Orleans or Brooklyn when the subway stops running. Check this out: "Car bombings were so frequent that they became known as 'a Youngstown tuneup.'" Can an HBO series be far off?

4. Yuma, AZ. Sporting highs in the 60's and 70's all winter long, it's no wonder many Arizonians have winter homes there. Somehow this hasn't translated into year-round employment for the sleepy town, which has jobless numbers rivaling (and often topping) a little place called Kokomo. You wouldn't know it from the Wikipedia page, but Business Week claims this is the unemployment capital of the country. Ouch.

3. East St. Louis, IL. Jesus Christ, who the hell actually lives in East St. Louis these days? GET OUT.

2. Inland Empire, CA. David Lynch's favorite place on earth-- need you hear anymore? It's also responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- or, should we say, dumbassery is what's responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- as they bought up a real estate company in the area shortly before the whole area's value dropped by an unfathomable 60%.

And #1... you knew it was coming, my Detroit friends, so let's get on with it:

1. Detroit, MI. Why is Detroit in such dire straits? Sure, the auto industry is all shot to hell these days (and probably permanently)-- but is that enough to make this the most depressing place in America? No, this figure is: "The average home price in Detroit is just $7,500 because no one wants to live there. The continuing catastrophe that is the US auto industry has reduced this onetime industrial behemoth to a nearly perfect picture of decrepitude. Last year when the murder rate dropped in the city, the mayor joked that the reason was that 'there is no one left to kill.'" The only thing wrong with this quote is the word "joked"-- everyone nodded knowingly when he said it. Then he went to jail for perjury... and it wasn't even big news because... no one cares about Detroit. Sorry, kids.

Via Business Insider.

Believe It Or Not, One of the Best Sex Advice Columns is Brought to You By... Detroit

Ex-Mayor in Michigan Arrested For Having Sex in the Street

Teenage Girl Sues Her Father For Grounding Her, Wins

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:17:00 GMT

Now you know why we voted for him (at least in part): Obama is redirecting all of the abstinence-only money, some $138 million, to the actually-effective methods of sex ed.

Agree with almost every word of this list of the thirteen people/things that ruined it for everyone else, although Jersey could only have been helped by a show as great as the Sopranos.

Fleshbot makes a case for those Rihanna photos-- the ones her people are so upset about-- being fakes.

Susan Boyle did Oprah-- is she ever going to sing another song or just wave to photographers and do sparse interviews? She also turned down a makeover.

An Iraqi journalist who isn't exactly on board with the Palin campaign met with the Governor yesterday and said only that her voice was "annoying in person."

The adorable fawn and bobcat seen above are best buds after being rescued from the Santa Barbara wildfire. Ellen Degeneres and others are raising money for the animal rescue efforts, which are already overwhelmed with the number of cases.

Figleaf's Real Adult Sex has some good advice for those-- including, possibly, Rihanna-- who were the victims of someone "posting 'sexually incriminating' information against their will."

And Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who is apparently outed with a slew of evidence in a new film released over the weekend, announced he will run for Senate.

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson Is In Trouble Now

PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

While You Were Sleeping: Teacher Sex Never Gets Old

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

While You Were Sleeping: Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape Is Inspiring to Young Girls?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

Say what you want about its culture, but Wal-Mart workers in Miami may be the first in the nation to unionize.

The top 10 places to kiss.

Here's one we haven't heard before: police raided a topless bar that featured a fourteen-year-old stripper.

Arlen Spector's historic decision to switch to the Democratic Party yesterday not only gives the Donkeys 60 seats in the Senate, it also means they'll probably seize the seat next fall.

SJP and Matthew Broderick are having twins (through a surrogate.)

How can anyone give a flying fuck what Sean Hannity says after he relentlessly defended Kim Kardashian as a role model.

Dolph Lungren probably wishes he could've had Sly around to kick some major ass while this was going down.

And do you think this mother should have her children taken away? She is very overweight and was feeding them McDonald's (albeit UK McDonald's) at six months!

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Top 5 Nude Beaches in North America

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:43:00 GMT

If you're gay or just want to see a bunch of naked men making out, tanning, splashing each other, or just plain frolicking in the sun, OutTraveler has the list for you.

And if you're a lady person and just want to let it all hang out among guys who probably won't take your picture and put it on NudeBeachCam.com or whatever, you'll want to know where the hot spots are...

Theirs is a Top 5 list, beginning with the only entry for an ocean beach in the continental United States: unfortunately, it's in Miami...

1. Haulover Beach, Miami. Apparently, this is the only nude beach in Flordia and arguably one of the country's finest of any kind. Pro: Lots of good looking people. Con: It's in Miami, for God's sake. Not only that, it's a mob scene virtually from the crack of dawn to after the cops toss everyone off the beach.

2. Hippie Hollow, Austin. We were surprised to learn there was a nude beach in Austin and even more surprised to learn that Texas police haven't raided it with rubber bullets yet. Pro: "Over a hundred swimming holes, a gay-adored beach, and impressive climbing crags beckon from the star of Texas." Con: "The gay section is about 15 minutes walk to the left from the parking lot." Then again, that kind of distance between you and the rest of the local bathers could be a "pro."

3. Hanlan’s Point, Toronto. We don't often think "nude beach" and "Canada" go together, but this entry convinces us. Pro: The fifteen-minute ferry to the beach has an amazing view of the city and, at 6.50CA, is the only thing you'll have to spend money on to get to the sand. Also, water quality is monitored constantly and is usually excellent. Con: You have to wait for it to get hot enough. In Canada.

4. Little Beach, Makena, Maui, Hawaii. Up a trail in the hills of Maui, this island hideaway has one major catch: it's illegal to go naked anywhere in public in Hawaii. Pro: Bragging rights about going naked in Maui-- is there anything that can make your Facebook friends more jealous than to read that status update? Con: Having your hands cuffed behind your back when you're naked-- and not getting any S&M out of it.

5. Wreck Beach, Vancouver. Man, who knew there were so many opportunities to take your clothes off in Canadia Land? Pro: "Naked vendors ply the beach offering water, beer, sandwiches, and a surprising array of narcotics. Ask any student how to get to the access paths that lead down to the water." Better yet, ask a student while you're naked doing a snort of coke off your boyfriend's umbrella tip. Con: Absolutely nothing that we can think of...

By the way, if you're over in the UK, you should know that the country's oldest nude beach will close after this summer, thanks to coastal erosion (i.e. global warming.)

Via OutTraveler.

Related:

Calendar... Teachers?

Media Fawning All Over Sasha Grey Now That They're Allowed To

Nude Sunbathing Under Attack Worldwide

Dr. Prissy's Terror on Bird Island

Oh, The Things You'll Find...

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:52:00 GMT

A few weeks back (or thereabouts), we told you about the Melbourne, Florida church that rocked the conservative community by promoting a new series of sex workshops.

Unsurprisingly, most everyone in the area has decided that this is their cross to bear and each of them, individually, will try to prevent Christians from getting nailed properly...

The New Hope Baptist Church has been hosting its "risque" series at Sherwood Elementary School, but the local yokels aren't sure what to make of it:

Brevard Public School District's risk-management department has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of Sherwood...
Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" The three-week program kicked off inside the school auditorium. Pastor Bruce Cadle had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic.

Mark Langdorf, the director of risk management, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for elementary school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the school.

Langdorf says the church's lease contract is under review.

Of course, the lousy Associated Press didn't bother to get a quote from the Church itself. Here's what they have to say on the subject:

Is your sex life a bore? A chore? Feeling like you want more? Is sex supposed to leave you feeling guilty? Frustrated? Insecure? Empty? It’s supposed to be fun, right? So why does it seem like everyone else is having all the fun? Why are men and women’s desires so different? So incompatible?

Discover answers to all these questions and more at Great Sex For You, a new teaching series at New Hope Church beginning this Sunday at 11am. You’ll learn how to have the Great Sex that God created you to enjoy! You’ll discover how to find the right partner, how to affair proof your marriage, how to fan the flames of romance, and how to ensure that your marriage and love life gets better year after year. Don’t miss this life-changing message!

The Great Sex that God created us to enjoy? This is about the only workshop that could ever get us to willingly attend church services. Oh, and free Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt either...

Via the Church's website.

Related:

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Stripper Now Dances for the Lord

This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Gay Bishop is About to Get All "Gay Bishop" on Your Ass

This Week in Sex: We Couldn't Stuff It All In

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:06:00 GMT

We hope this is real and not the viral marketing work of some jean company...

Sometimes the stories are too small for their own posts. Sometimes there are two many stories for one week, which is definitely the case here.

Today, we'll present: the Not Ready For Daytime Players... in This Week in Sex, featuring tales of football teams, Bollywood nudity, Melissa Joan Hart, Playboy, brothers, and... Susan Boyle?!

A minister in Florida (where else) is being investigated for possibly sexually assaulting members of a high school football team. The man allegedly promised his victims help in their athletic careers-- not sure how his religion fits into sports. Maybe he promised to rig the coin tosses?

Apparently, there will be full frontal male nudity in a Bollywood movie. (We can't confirm that this is actually the first legitimate male nude scene from that genre, but it sounds about right.)

Melissa Joan Hart says she never did Playboy because her Maxim cover caused her brother too much embarrassment.

The State of Nevada decided not to tax brothel sex, but not before this classic quote was delivered:

"I don't know why people won't recognize that we have a legal industry," state Sen. Bob Coffin, who introduced the legislation, told the Associated Press. "I'm willing to go in and do the dirty work if no one else will."

Thanks, Senator, but your sexpertise won't be required. Moving on...

Those scary-lookers had some of the loudest sex we've ever heard (of.)

In Indiana, two little girls walked in on group sex in the bathroom of their local people Taco Bell.

Unlike our cheerleading coach friend, this woman deserved get fired: a teacher was given the boot for taking a bunch of girls to a strip club. The biggest problem is that some of the girls were under 18 and could've been arrested.

And the new porn marketing gimmick is officially is to offer whomever dominates the news a role in adult film in exchange for a million dollars:

See what [Publicity-Hungry Production Assholes] did there? Set up an entire website for something that will never happen (much like the Octomom porn) and then sit back and watch the traffic skyrocket for a headline that reads "Susan Boyle Does a Porn (Maybe)." Chances are, Boyle will never even see this site, and has never been contacted by these people. But just associating their adult films with a recent phenomena is the oldest trick in the book. Although who would ever pay to see Boyle lose her virginity on camera is another story alltogether.

This Teenage Sex Tape Craze Is Getting Out of Hand...

No One's Getting Laided On Facebook Anymore

Tropical Ants Have Completely Done Away With Men

This Teenage Sex Tape Craze Is Getting Out of Hand...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:28:00 GMT

And you thought it had gone too far when those two kids were arrested for making a sex tape of a consenting couple...

According to the Associated Press in Florida:

The Monroe County Sheriff's office has charged 10 teens from the Florida Keys with making child pornography after detectives confiscated a videotape of a 16-year-old runaway girl having sex with a 19-year-old man.
Authorities said the investigation started when a 14-year-old runaway told a school resource officer that she was worried her friend -- the girl having sex on the tape -- had been raped. The girl who appeared in the video denied being raped.
The teens, seven boys and three girls age 13 to 19, face charges of sexual performance by a child, a second-degree felony. Eight of the 10 were arrested Wednesday; the other two are out of town and will be arrested when they return.

Okay, one to operate the camera... another to hold the boom... my, this is a serious production now. So, we gotta ask, what were the other half-dozen participants doing during all this? Your suspicions, in the comments...

Via AP/ABC News.

Related:

Why Does Jamie Foxx Hate Miley Cyrus So Much?

Dr. Luchador to Anti-Homo Kid: Get Off the Internets

Joe Biden's Daughter Caught in Cocaine Scandal?

Cloris Leachman Won't Wait For Her Entree, Wants You Now

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

Today in the Apocalypse: The Only Survivors Will Be Cockroaches And Breastaraunts

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:04:00 GMT

My parents recently moved to Clearwater, Florida. Since then, I've come to learn that the town is known for two things, none of which is the nearly-deserted beach they live on: being the home of Scientology and the birthplace of Hooters. Make of that what you will, but let's just say that the holidays are going to be on the usual side from now on...

Florida has even created a new buzzword in order to have at least one story that doesn't involve monkeys escaping for zoos, crates full of pigs spilling all over the highways, and drunk people crashing through their neighbor's front rooms. That word is "breastaurants" and its king, Hooters, took in one billion dollars last year:

"People get in a fun atmosphere around Hooters, and I think they feel that," Bob Passwaters tells us. He's been doing marketing for Hooters for nearly two decades. "Of course, you have the girls and the food, kind of a neighborhood escape."
An escape where the food is inexpensive, and entrees are under $10.
These breastaurants offer a carefree atmosphere where Passwaters says, people can forget about the bad economy and eat a good meal.
"They just love getting away from sitting at their computer seeing all the bad news in the markets going down and this is going down," Passwaters told us. "Heck, let's go to Hooters and have some chicken wings and relax a bit."
Another reason breastaurants are seeing big success: local clientele. Regulars keep coming back for more.

Dude, they keep coming back because it's cheaper to have dinner and boobs at the same place than to have dinner, then head to the strip club for overpriced drinks, scary fake boobs and all the violence that has been taking place in the parking lots.

But hey, don't take our word for it... we're just there for the wings.

Via TampaBayConnects.

Related:

Watching the Watchmen Sex Scene

Normal Breasts Gallery Bums Us Out

The Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

We almost passed on even reading about this bizarre story because we were 100% convinced that it was going to be completely retracted within minutes. But as the hours passed, we realized we were doing you a disservice by not burdening you with the salacious details...

Here are the unconfirmed details as they now stand:

A 27-year-old woman in Lexington Park, Maryland* was airlifted to an area hospital after severely injuring herself during a sex-romp-gone-wrong. According to the woman's boyfriend, he thought that, somehow, if he attached a dildo to a saber-saw blade, the dildo would hold and... have you stopped reading yet? We did.

All we'll say from this point forward is that the blade didn't cut through the dildo until the toy had already arrived at its intended destination. Luckily, the victim's (Soon-to-be-ex-) Boyfriend was able to dislodge the makeshift device in seconds and the woman is expected to recover, although perhaps not fully.

UPDATE: MSNBC confirms our unconfirmed details.

*By the way, why has Maryland been making a recent run at Florida for its title of the Craziest State in the Union?

Related:

"Why Does Steam Come Out of My Vagina?"

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:19:00 GMT

The Britney Spears Concert Experience has always come off as a lame run-through of music that was immediately disposable, masked by "sexy" dancers and Kiss-inspired pyrotechnics. For all the "energy" Britney claims to have, it never translates publicly-- from lazy parenting to chewing gum with her mouth open and droning on about how great George Bush is, she can't seem to realize that people need to be impressed. That she isn't going to win over haters with her bad attitude and lack of enthusiasm for her own material should be obvious.

Those weaknesses are visible in this horrible concert performance from Tampa, Florida last night. At the end of "Slave 4 U" (lame, lame, lame), Brit appears to lose the bottom of her dress... according to the internet.

Starpulse and several other sources claim that at the end of this number (skip to the last ten seconds or so of the first clip), Britney's vagina popped out of her outfit... although we can't really see anything even when we blow the video up to fit the screen. UPDATE: Second clip doesn't confirm a slip, but does confirm what she said afterward:

[H]er leotard ripped, accidentally exposing her naked crotch to the audience.
The singer had just finished performing I'm A Slave 4 U and was being lowered beneath the stage when she revealed her costume blunder. Failing to realize her microphone as still on, she said, "My pussy was hanging out!" - causing the arena to erupt in laughter. But she refused to let the mishap hold up her set, with Spears completing her costume change and continuing on with the show. [Starpulse]

How do they know she wasn't talking to the audience? Just because she was being lowered down doesn't mean she thought her mic would be off. After all, this is Britney Spears we're talking about-- should we be surprised that she thought this revelation would be beneficial to the concert experience? Judging by her lackluster performance prior to the alleged slip, it shouldn't be any surprise that she doesn't really know what she's doing.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble..

Facebook is Turning Us Into Big Selfish Babies, or Something

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West Dresses Better Than the Gays

Top 10 Bands That Twitter

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Life-Sized Barbie Dream House: I Want to Go to There

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

We give Barbie a lot of shit here at Scanner—for her tramp stamp, for being too skinny, for not acting her age and even for making a skeezy porno—but you know what? Fuck that. Barbie brought us a lot of joy back when we were wearing Kissing Coolers and thought that Sesame Street was our "soap opera." Yeah, maybe we'd give her spiky hair cuts and put crazy colors in her spiky platinum 'do with washable markers, but she still loved us and we loved her. And when we were growing up in a government-subsidized townhouse in the meth capitol of the world, you can bet your ass there was nowhere we'd rather have lived than Barbie's Dream House. So forgive us if we're a little too excited about the life-sized Barbie Dream House that opened in Shanghai on Friday.

The House of Barbie, a six-story, hot-pink shrine to the doll—who turns 50 today—boasts a chandelier made of blonde hair, a closet stocked with 100 pairs of pink patent-leather pumps and a kitchen that exists solely for the purpose of baking cupcakes.

Of course, this Barbietopia is also a retail location. And the China market is one reason Mattel chose Shanghai for the flagship store.

Here, dolls range in price from $10 to $200 — for a Barbie in a Vera Wang wedding dress. But is Barbie too blond, too expensive for the China market? At a Shanghai primary school, opinion is divided.

"She's really pretty," says Wang Yiqi, looking longingly at Barbie's pink frilly miniskirt. The 11-year-old is a marketer's dream: she recognizes the specially designed $35 Shanghai Barbie and can't wait to go to the store. Others aren't quite as positive.

"I've got one just like this at home," says 7-year-old Yang Fangchen, "and it only cost $3, and she has a set of extra clothing."

Mrs. Wu, who's picking up her granddaughter, is horrified to hear of the price. "People of my generation find that really expensive. It's definitely not worth it."

In China, Barbie's world is likely to be full of impersonators. Xu Quanning, secretary general of the Shanghai Toy Trade Association, says that Barbie look-alikes for just $1 or $2 were far outselling the real doll.

But don't worry, there is no mass-market Chinese Barbie at the House of Barbie, though Mattell created a special doll which their calling "a pan-Asian likeness" (above right) for the store's opening.

[NPR: Mattel Hopes Shanghai Is A Barbie World]

Related:

The Real Story Behind Barbie... And The Truth About That Ken Dude

Video of the Day: Barbie and Ken (and Some Guy) Make a Porno

Video of the Day: Cougar Barbie

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

Video of the Day: Lithuanian Barbie Girls

Moran Stirring Up Controversy By Suggesting We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:31:00 GMT

We're trying to decide who's funnier: the guy above or the moran in this story...

The village idiot in Fort Walton Beach, Florida has spoken: he would like us to "get rid of" Obama, and will sit on his porch with his misspelled signs, waving the confederate flag until the Black Man is out of the White House.

We report on local Republican Larry Ford, who is causing guffaws all around the world with his special brand of populism... and this sign has gotta be seen to be believed...

Larry posted two copies of this sign in his front yard. And no, we're not going to make fun of a typo... just because it's a typo...

As for the misspelling, Larry says: "I think everybody knows who I'm talking about, don't you? American people are the stupidest people in the world, but something like that I think they can figure out."

Amen, brother, amen.

The local Democrats are taking it in stride: "(Obama) won, get used to it.... He won fair and square, unlike the election in 2000, when Bush didn't win fair and square. And we put up with him for many, many years."

The New Republic ends their story with this:

Ford said he will leave the signs up "until we get rid" of Obama.

Via TNR.

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Weddings in California Prisons

And We Thought Throwing Up in a Cab Was Bad

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

Video: Streaker Getting Himself in Trouble

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 18:37:00 GMT

The Internet is helping bored teenagers make their typical teenage bad moves in front of unprecedented audiences.

Take 18-year-old Brandon Krueger, who went for a streak in his local mall in Port Charlotte, FL.

His pals made the following NSFW video of the stunt, which takes a while to get going, but ends in contagious whoops and yells. This video promptly went up on Brandon's MySpace profile, though now it's gone, but the attention it drew on LiveLeak included the authorities.

And now he's facing potential misdemeanor charges.

The One Time Streaking Wasn't So Funny

Lady Streaker Scores a Goooooooooal!

The Latest Sexist Fad: Coleslaw Wrestling

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 18:07:00 GMT

Every year since 2003, the Cabbage Patch Bar in Daytona Beach, Florida has been hosting an event called Coleslaw Wrestling, which is the same as Jello Wrestling, only way more disgusting.

The event, a mainstay of the well-attended Biketober Fest and Bikeweek celebrations, draws hundreds of dudes in American flag bandanas, sleeveless leather jackets, and faded jean shorts... in other words, Real Americans...

One website claims some of the (always female) wrestlers perform topless, we found almost zero evidence of this. However, we only went through a tiny portion of the thousands of photographs taken of the event in the last five years.

We'll have the 2009 photos sometime after this weekend's Bikefest, which starts today. Until then, remember: Budweiser bathing suits are awesome... coleslaw wrestling? Not so much.

Via Cabbage Patch Bar.

Related:

Let's Settle This Ridiculous First-Date Pay Debate Once And For All

Who Organized The Arkansas Gay Wrestling Match?

Brazilian Carnival Outdoing Itself Almost Daily With Risque Nudity

Beer Pong Video Game Falls By Way Of Lenny Bruce, Poop Paintings, Janet Jackson's Nipples

Brazilian Carnival Outdoing Itself Almost Daily With Risque Nudity

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Dani Sperle. Remember the name of that nude Brazilian carnival superstar-- yesterday, we asked you to memorize the words Viviane Castro, but we're unceremoniously brushing her aside-- for Dani just took South America by storm or, rather, by boob...

According to unsubstantied reports from Brazil's front lines, Dani Sperle has just beaten Viviane Castro's 2008 record for the skimpiest carnival costume. If you think we're making this category up, you need to read this:

Brazilian media outlets are very excited about the fact that there is a new record for the smallest article of clothing to be worn in a Carnival parade. Model Dani Sperle showed up at the parade in Rio de Janeiro wearing a headdress, a necklace, boots, armbands ... and a piece of cloth that was 3 centimeters long. For as much coverage as this fact was given, none of the reports specify how she wore this piece of cloth. It broke the record set last year by Viviane Castro at 4 centimeters. Castro was penalized for not meeting minimum standards, though no penalties have been assessed against Sperle yet. [TampaBay.com]

It's in a Florida newspaper, and you know everyone is sane and not full of bullshit in that state. However, we can actually confirm the outfit, based on this unfortunately-censored photo:

Yesterday, one commenter asked where the "strategically-placed tape" was... your answer may appear above, good sir.

And if you're annoyed at the censored photo, here are two NSFW photos of today's record-breaker... put two and two together using your imagination, people...

Related:

Obama Crashes Carnival Party, Thanks to Naked Carnival Queen

Nude Night Invades Florida

Mr. Skin's 2009 Naked Oscar Nominees, Free & Uncensored

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

Nude Night Invades Florida

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:36:00 GMT

The peaceful small town of Orlando, Florida was considering going to bed early on Saturday when word began to spread among the populace: "Dude, you're going to miss Naked Night 2009!"

According to its website, Nude Night "is a juried art exhibition with hundreds of artists celebrating the body beautiful by creating a bazaar-like atmosphere of artistic talents not only in photographs and paintings, but also in live body painting, sensual performances, shapely sculpture and experimental installations." When you're done catching your breath, here's the layman's version: it's a shitton of nude art and several hundred leering guests.

The evenings begin with cocktails and DJs blasting out lounge music, while patrons peruse the immobile art projects. Later on, performers leap to the stage to offer "interpretations on the theme," according to the website. (See above photos.)

In case this sounds like your ideal evening out, don't despair, for the Nude Night art fair will hit Tampa this coming weekend, starting on Thursday and running through Saturday. Don't miss it... and remember to e-mail us a link to your Twitter pics.

Via their website. Top photo via the Orlando Sun-Sentinel.

Related:

Obama Crashes Carnival Party, Thanks to Naked Carnival Queen

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

Dita Von Teese Ends Her Paris Show in Style

Sports Illustrated Fails At Bikinis, Tries Bodypainting

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Dolly Parton has come to rescue Jessica Simpson, although we think it's a bit late for that now.

Mike Myers and Paris Hilton won several insulting awards over the weekend.

Ladies, don't despair: your best sex comes in your forties.

Thanks to this kid, the porn thief has been captured.

Is it better to be unemployed than to have a job in your 20s as an obit writer? In Florida?

Three Westboro Wackos were routed from protesting the Flight 3407 disaster-- and they didn't even need to use violence.

Nicole Richie is pregnant again.

Here's your idiot Republican of the day: a Senator who offhandedly predicted Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be dead within the year.

Although it was snubbed for Best Song (why? why? there were only three song nominees this year!) and, ultimately, a Best Actor statue, The Wrestler won Best Feature at the Independent Spirit Awards. More about the event here.

One of the worst-ever Academy Awards ended last night with Slumdog Millionaire moseying up the podium with its main cast in tow. The big upset was Sean Penn's win for Best Actor, which some are already calling an apology for their Prop 8 votes. (If they wanted to do that, why didn't they vote for Milk for Best Picture? That would have been a much better judgment call, plus Mickey Rourke has never won an Oscar and was almost equally deserving.) To read the complete list of winners, click here.

Related:

Scanner Predicts the 2009 Academy Award Winners

While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

Leo's Girlfriend is a Sports Illustrated Cover Girl

AskMen's Top 99 Women

Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:49:00 GMT

Sheila Langman may not be the most intelligent person.

She was arrested in October for having sex with a fifteen-year-old boy, pled not guilty, and is awaiting trial. That isn't why she's an idiot. We find her guilty of that charge because she couldn't resist a little V-Day affair with the same kid, even though she knew the police were monitoring her every move...

According to the Northwest Florida Daily News:

Sheila Langman, 38, was under GPS monitoring, according to the Santa Rosa County Sheriff's Office. At about 7:40 p.m. Friday, investigators say their alarm went off because she was near the boy's home.

Deputies tracked her and pulled her over on Misty Meadow Lane - about a mile from her own house on Parker Lake Circle - where they say the boy was in her car.

After her initial arrest in October, a judge ordered Langman, a former cheerleading coach, not to have any unsupervised contact with minors. And a perimeter around the boy's home was an "exclusionary zone" she wasn't allowed to enter.

Langman was originally arrested after a complaint was made to the Department of Children and Families, not necessarily by a family member. Police and prosecutors allege the cheerleading coach and her young man engaged in sex on multiple occasions last summer.

Oh, and in case you think this is a very, very sexy story for some bizarre reason (well, after all, the kid got in the car with her again last week), you might want to avoid seeing this mugshot.

Via NWFDailyNews.

Related:

Woman With the Best Perv Name Ever to Be Sentenced For, Well, Being a Perv

Hostel-Owning Perv Learns to Shut His Spy Hole

We Present... The Cougar Perv

Florida Pastor Wants Us to Have Sex!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:24:00 GMT

This guy is a Pastor and he believes people should have sex-- and not the unprotected, married kind of sex that may result in 14 babies. The other kind-- the kind that people actually want to have!

"You tend to hear about the 'Thou shalt nots,' " Underwood said. "We want to talk about the 'Thou shalts.'"

In a story in today's Palm Beach Post, Pastor Ray Underwood explains why he's chosen to feature sex advice in his Sunday sermons for the past several weeks (and through March 1st.) Among the choice excerpts:

"I think we should be more aggressive and upfront about talking about critical issues in people's lives. In the past, I think we were embarrassed and unsure about ourselves."
Underwood gave his first sermon, "Hot Monogamy," a PG-11 rating and suggested that parents take kids under that age to the child care center. A video projected on the church's big screen said, "so ... sex in church? Are we really going to talk about this? We need to." Though it could be kind of weird, the video warned — "like seeing a nude scene with your parents."
"We try to stay real, but this is a little more on the edge," he said. "Hopefully we won't fall off a cliff."

We personally hope you succeed, Pastor Ray, for if there's one thing religion needs, it's more sex. No, seriously-- perhaps if people were happier about their love lives, they'd leave the gays, Democrats, and other religions in peace.

And if anyone's going to make that happen, it's this guy:

Underwood often preaches in jeans, and the church's services feature video, drums and electric guitar. Though the church's style is edgy, he said, its message is more conservative.

Via the Palm Beach Post.

This Week in Gayness: The New Transgender Minister

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Top 10 Worst Places to Live in the U.S.

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

In these trying economic times, you can at least be thankful you don't live in one of these ten horrendous U.S. metropolitan areas.

Wait, you don't actually live in these places, dear readers, do you?

Strollerderby directed us to this Forbes list of the ten worst places to live in the rapidly-crumbling American continental empire. Aren't you glad you don't live in these cities? Seriously, none of you actually live here, right?

1. Stockton, CA. The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here.
2. Memphis, TN. Crime is what did this in, according to Strollerderby. In our experience, we'd have to agree. On our sole trip to Memphis, we saw lots of street arrests, including of a tourist who had to be tackled and maced repeatedly by a cop who was trying to eat lunch when the tourist attacked our friends.
3. Chicago, IL. Blago, you bastard.
4. Cleveland, Ohio. "Cleveland, city of light, city of magic," sang Randy Newman mockingly almost four decades ago. Things haven't improved since, apparently.
5. Modesto, California earns its place here by being "one of the top three most dangerous metropolitan areas in California." Why it's more dangeorus than other dangerous metropolitan areas in the U.S. is also beyond our understanding.
6. Flint, Michigan. Michael Moore could've told you twenty years ago this auto industry town was doomed.
7. Detroit, Michigan. Ditto Detroit.
8. Buffalo, N.Y. Buffalo is the new badlands. If you don't believe us, try spending two hours in a bar there without arming yourself to the teeth.
9. Miami, Florida. Miami is about to be the first major U.S. city to completely collapse due to the mortgaging crisis. Hey, we didn't say it-- Forbes did.
10. St. Louis, Missouri. Hey Scanner Emily, at least it wasn't Kansas City.

Via Strollerderby.

Related:

How The World Watches Porn Now

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

Publix Parking Lot Blow-Up

Colleen Kane — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 17:31:00 GMT

This Florida resident, George Bartusek, acted like a grade-A freakazoid yesterday, grinding on and making out with two blow-up dolls in his car in a Publix parking lot. But as The Smoking Gun points out in the man's defense, he was fully dressed and not harming anyone. So what did the authorities get him on?

Breach of peace.

Huh. So FYI, be careful how you act in public(x) with your blown-up companions.

PETA and the Real Dolls

Sex Doll Crimes Of Passion: One Man Just Can't Get Enough

This Week in Gayness: Portland Mayor's Sex Scandal Heats Up

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 17:40:00 GMT

A gay candidate for Mayor in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, is not helping the cause by being a "fiscal conservative" who runs up astronomical debts to small businesses and then refuses to pay.

If you're gay and want to be on Tyra, you'd better be a "queeny."

Ted Haggard's former superchurch may have bribed a 20-year-old man into keeping mum about his sexual relationship with the preacher man.

ABC is the top network for gay themes, if GLAAD Media Award nominations are an indicator.

New York was thrilled to hear that its LGBT nemesis Joe Bruno has been indicted.

Bobby Griffith, a gay man, committed suicide at the age of 20 because pressure from the world around him was too much to take. His mother was a hardcore Christian and had fought with him over his sexuality, but after his death, she realized her mistake and became a crusading activist for the gay cause. Now, Lifetime is airing a movie starring Sigourney Weaver about this story. Of course, Focus On (Breaking Up) The Family objects.

And Sam Adams, newly minted Mayor of Portland, Oregon, has been unable to dog sex scandal rumors. He has returned to work at City Hall while a probe looks into whether Mr. Breedlove, his possibly underage lover, was indeed underage at the time of their affair. Breedlove says the couple kissed twice when he was only 17, but that was it.

This Week In Gayness: Two Major Male Movie Stars Make Out

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

This Week in Gayness: Being Gay Is A Choice, Say Repuglicans

While You Were Sleeping: The 3-D Porn Movie

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Ever wonder what repairing a sex doll is like? Wait, you already knew this job existed?

We're hoping Kanye West is kidding when he says he wants to change his name. We are not amused.

Shockingly, your wife may become upset if you turn out to have a secret Playboy subscription.

Try not to panic-- 71,000 jobs were lost yesterday alone.

The hookers are flocking to Florida for the Super Bowl.

Good God! Molly Ringwald is 40 years old. Oh, and she's expecting twins...

The world's first-ever 3D porno flick (or so the producers claim, probably without having done any research) is all set to shoot. We'll, of course, provide a look behind the scenes, assuming this doesn't go way over budget, as an experiment of this magnitude is bound to do.

And forgive Paris Hilton, for she knows not what the hell she's saying.

Some Rapper No One's Ever Heard Of Arrested For Being An Idiot

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:07:00 GMT

My, this young man is very polite.

"Have you been drinking tonight?" Instead of answering, hiphopper Yung Berg answers, "I'm an artist, sir," which means "yes." He might as well have said, "My name is Yung Berg-- what do you think I've been doing tonight?"

Anyway, what kind of idiot is his manager-- doing that to a cop for no reason?

Related:

How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The new Iron Man 2 rumors say that there may not be enough money to include Samuel L. Jackson. Then again, they are somehow able to afford Emily Blunt for a role.

We're a sucker for crazy bets like this: a Republican senator lost a gentlemanly bet on a college football game to a Democratic senator. His repentance? He had to serenade Florida politician Bill Nelson, a former astronaut, with Elton John's "Rocket Man."

The Ex-BART officer who shot and killed an unarmed man on recorded video was found...

The former transit police officer accused of shooting an unarmed man at a California train station went to Nevada with his family "to clear his mind" after receiving death threats, his lawyer said Wednesday.
The lawyer's comments came after Johannes Mehserle was arrested on a fugitive warrant in Nevada.
Leads led investigators to Johannes Mehserle, 27, in Zephyr Cove, Nevada, on Tuesday, authorities said. He was contacted through his attorney and then surrendered. [CNN]

The blogs are predicting Amy Poehler's new Office "spinoff" is actually a knockoff.

If you're going to start a brawl, you might not want to do so in a brothel, especially when you're off-duty police officers.

We care what these people think of the John Mayer TV show? We could care less about his pop records and personal life, but the VH-1 show was inspired-- we always thought he would be a great late night host.

Going to the inauguration? 20+ jumbotrons. 5,000 port-a-potties. 10,000 National Guard troops. And clearly not enough beer vendors.

And Washington state will allow teachers to have sex with their students, as long as the students are legal.

Related:

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Jennifer Aniston Does GQ...Naked

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Did Obama Sell Out The Gays?

Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:43:00 GMT

Back in May, 2005, a 24-year-old woman in Jacksonville, Florida was arrested in a hospital emergency room after running red lights and refusing to wait while an officer ticketed her. The police tackled her to the ground and cuffed her, which is what they are trained to do.

Except there's a catch: Melanie Williams was in labor and bleeding, partly as a result of having been seven-and-a-half-months pregnant. Thankfully, she was later released and gave birth to a reportedly healthy boy.

We have to admit to not being in the least surprised to learn that Melanie Williams is black. Could that have been a factor in the decisions made by police? However, we'd also like to point out, had Williams just called 911 from her house and waited for an ambulance, this might never have happened-- although, we must add, we have to wonder whether she was afraid about the cost of the ambulance versus driving herself. Universal healthcare, anyone?

Obviously, she is now suing the shit out of everyone-- and it's hard to imagine a jury not feeling sympathetic to the plight of a woman in labor screaming about being pregnant and bleeding while being handcuffed on a hospital floor. The cops fear a jury trial, as well-- until yesterday, they were fighting a lower court ruling that ordered them to face a civil suit. The two deputies claimed to have "immunity," which the appeals court judge scoffed at.

(One more irrelevant tidbit: the day Melanie Williams gave birth was Mother's Day.)

[Earlier version corrected for clarity.]

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

Today in WTF: Gay Teens Much More Likely To Get Pregnant

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A teacher kissed his sixteen-year-old student three times, his wife found out, and he resigned his position. Then, whoops, it turned out he hadn't done anything illegal.

That investment adviser who tried to fake his own death via plane crash was caught in Florida.

Guess which television personality said this to Kate Winslet: "I love the fact that you have real breasts?" Conan? Bill O'Reilly? Sean Hannity?

Kate Winslet was on Oprah today, and Ms. Winfrey made a point of talking about the sexually explicit flick The Reader. "In all the scenes, your breasts do what real breasts do," Oprah mused.

"I love the fact that you have real breasts," Oprah gushed to Kate... "God bless your real breasts." Kate, ever the good sport, said, "Thank you," and the audience burst into applause as the two women clasped hands in a real-breast-love-fest. [Jezebel]

Is this the first arrest via Facebook?

STD rates continue to climb, in spite of brave CNN's noble efforts to alert us.

The parents of Drew Peterson's girlfriend sound way too nonchalant about this. Whatever happened to a baseball bat and a loud "you stay away from my daughter, you hear?!"

Even pointing out what a lying idiot Sarah Palin is has become an utter waste of time, since she won't even acknowledge it when every one of her accusations turn out to be bullshit.

For a stupid Nike commercial masquerading as a YouTube video, this is pretty funny-- although we still could care less about Taylor Momsen, whoever that is. (To offset the fact that we're basically linking to an ad, you should buy Reebok or any other brand instead.)

Photo of Taylor Momsen via Gawker.

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

Who Would You Rather: Hot For Teacher Tournament

Colleen Kane — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Inspired by the news of the latest teacher/student sexual liasons, more than 300 of which were allegedly perpetrated by married elementary teacher Christine McCallum (pictured, from Facebook) with a 13-year-old student after plying him with booze (waste booze much?), we decided it was time for a very important exercise: determining who of these allegedly/ definitely inappropriate teachers you, the readers, would rather. (Rather what? Er, "study under.")

Vote for your picks of the first two pairs of teachers, then those two winners will go on to compete against future winners, until we determine the favorite Teacher Gone Wild. We're told by someone who cares about sports that something called March Madness exists, where winners are determined in a similar fashion. Considering the amount of misbehaving teachers, this may very well go on until March and beyond.

First match: Newest teacher in trouble Christine McCallum. She seems to be saying, "Come 'n get it, tweens!"

VS.

Sandy Binkley, the 36-year-old Tennessee teacher who faces three felony counts of stautory rape after allegations of liasons with three different students.

And for the next match, in this corner we have everybody's favorite TILF, all-American beauty Debra Lafave, a married Tampa teacher who carried on with a 14-year-old student. (According to Jossip's roundup of rapey teachers, Nick Carter claims he lost his virginity to her.)

(We really don't see how anyone will beat this frontrunner, but we have to put her up against someone.)

VS.

Another classic, Pamela Smart, who pioneered this business way back in 1990 in New Hampshire, when she recruited her 15-year-old lovah and three other minors to kill her husband.

Related:

Teacher Takes In A 13-Year-Old Boy-- You Know What Happens Next...

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Droves of Students Coming Forward to Testify Against Skank Teacher

Female Teacher's Aide Guilty of Sex with 16-Year-Old Female Student

Creepy Dudes Now Using Sex Tapes To Blackmail You Into... Giving Them Nude Photos?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 18:32:00 GMT

We're guessing he grew tired of watching their sex tape. 44-year-old Steven Klig tried to blackmail his former lover, years after their liaisons, by threatening to send a DVD of their good times to her husband.

But this only grazing the surface of the story-- not only is Klig a married father of two, among the many revelations from this New York Post story: Klig sent some of his threats from Disney World, where he was on vacation with the wife and kids; Klig didn't want hush money. No, what he wanted was totally bizarre...

He wanted five photos of his victim, several of which wouldn't even feature her in a state of undress. Nonetheless, the woman refused and got the Federales involved:

The next day, an agent posing as the woman wrote Klig back, asking what he wanted and pleading, "I want to keep my family out of this."

He allegedly responded, "I don't need money. What I really want is something new to look at."
Klig then allegedly detailed his preferences for the "first installment" as: "(1) fully clothed; (2) without your shirt; (3) without your shirt and pants (in just a bra and panties); (4) without the bra and (5) fully nude."

He wanted to keep his family out of this? Well, even if she hadn't gone to the cops, she could have probably exacted revenge by making sure his family was entirely in the loop. But we don't condone that kind of behavior... do we?

Photo: A Fruity Affair

Related: