Scanner : fleshbot

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:17:00 GMT

Now you know why we voted for him (at least in part): Obama is redirecting all of the abstinence-only money, some $138 million, to the actually-effective methods of sex ed.

Agree with almost every word of this list of the thirteen people/things that ruined it for everyone else, although Jersey could only have been helped by a show as great as the Sopranos.

Fleshbot makes a case for those Rihanna photos-- the ones her people are so upset about-- being fakes.

Susan Boyle did Oprah-- is she ever going to sing another song or just wave to photographers and do sparse interviews? She also turned down a makeover.

An Iraqi journalist who isn't exactly on board with the Palin campaign met with the Governor yesterday and said only that her voice was "annoying in person."

The adorable fawn and bobcat seen above are best buds after being rescued from the Santa Barbara wildfire. Ellen Degeneres and others are raising money for the animal rescue efforts, which are already overwhelmed with the number of cases.

Figleaf's Real Adult Sex has some good advice for those-- including, possibly, Rihanna-- who were the victims of someone "posting 'sexually incriminating' information against their will."

And Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who is apparently outed with a slew of evidence in a new film released over the weekend, announced he will run for Senate.

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson Is In Trouble Now

PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

While You Were Sleeping: Teacher Sex Never Gets Old

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 16:21:00 GMT

Last week, we presented exclusive footage of a stewardess and a pilot attempting to join the other kind of Mile High Club. In July, we showed you a video of a Ryanair press conference in which several executives announced planes for "blow jobs in business class," a joke that may have been taken literally by one stewardess.

Fleshbot and other porn blogs have outed Edita Bente, internet porn sensation, as Ryanair stewardess Edita Schindlerova, which is a way better porn name anyway.

Save your "I'd like to violate her airspace" jokes for after the jump...

Bente tells The Sun that, following her appearance in Ryanair's yearly calendar, in which she starred wearing a bikini, a coworker discovered her moonlighting gig and outed her to staff:

"I had this shit a year ago with a pilot with nothing better to do than check the Internet," she said.

Wow. Way to attack your base, Bente. Pervs have feelings, too, ya know.

Thanks to Fleshbot for the heads up.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Video of the Day: What's German For Blow Job?

The Rest of the Week Can't Possibly Top This Mr. T Infomercial

The Mile High Club Takes On A Whole New Meaning...

Watching the Watchmen Sex Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 18:06:00 GMT

We're not surprised to learn Watchmen took in $55.7 million, falling short of expectations. After all, it's a graphic novel, not a famous comic book series people have been reading or hearing about for decades, such as Spiderman or The X-Men. It has no movie stars (unless you count an unrecognizable Billy Crudup), a disorienting and uninspired trailer, and terrible buzz. It probably doesn't help that the same douche who directed a dud like 300 helmed this one-- word of mouth after Friday's opening was abysmal and the movie plummeted in the charts on Saturday and Sunday.

Even the film's sex scene has been disparaged. We get the feeling direct Zack Snyder was trying for laughs here, but this is the same guy that thinks Gerard Butler is a genius thespian and that wooden, clunky dialogue is acceptable in any genre. There's also the problem of how this sequence ends, with the most cliched Freudian moment in cinema...

Forgive the quality of these pics-- they are screenshots from a bootleg of a print of the film. But you'll get the idea, especially when you see the Fleshbot video of the scene.

On some sort of darkened space ship, two characters (hey, we're trying not to have any spoilers here) strip and immediately begin having amazing sex-- climaxing to the soaring strains of Leonard Cohen's (terrible) original version of "Hallelujah." Oh, and then one of them hits a button and the ship responds by "unloading" its jets. (See below.) One of the oldest sex jokes in the movie playbook. Yawn.

You can watch the entire sex scene in all its bootlegged glory, courtesy of Fleshbot.

Related:

Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Rosario Dawson Will Never Stop Having to Discuss Her Sex Scenes

Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

Gwyneth Paltrow Saves Joaquin Phoenix's Career With Her Boobs

Michelle Williams Strips, Seduces, Enjoys, And Freaks Out On Ewan McGregor

From the Annals of Boobs...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:54:00 GMT

We've been noticing a strange trend in the latest wave of free internet porn. (Hey, not that we're spending our workdays looking at porn or anything. No, that would be wrong. Wrong. Very wrong. Really wrong.)

Fleshbot and several readers have directed us to porn clips of late that involve one trend in boobs...

The Boob Rub. See evidence below:

And this...

...which proves internet porn trends do influence real world sex...

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

Mickey Rourke Enjoys the Flasher Groupies in France

Gwyneth Paltrow Saves Joaquin Phoenix's Career With Her Boobs

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 16:31:00 GMT

Now through March 11th, PETA has resolved to keep its topless protesters off the streets and to avoid throwing white paint at the Olsen twits and other enemies of furballs.

Instead, they've launched a new online competition featuring the Sexiest Vegetarians Next Door. The winner of the four rounds of voting wins a free trip to Hawaii... so, apparently, none of the girls pictured here are from Hawaii...

Alexi from Astoria (Queens), NY

Giselle from Miami, FL

Amy from Port Angeles, WA

Brooke from Ogden, UT. At the top of this post is Sunny from North Hollywood, CA. These are just a sampling of the many female contestants you can vote for at this link. The male contestants, as if anyone clicking on this post would care, are here.

PETA, via Fleshbot. For you enviable Europeans, voting begins here.

Related:

PETA Takes On Foie Gras, Valentine's Day, Decency Laws

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

PeTA: Again With Thinking Sex Sells Unpopular Idea

This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:45:00 GMT

The vandalization of a gay youth center on Long Island is being investigated as a possible hate crime.

Fleshbot has TV's hottest girl-on-girl makeout moments.

Cops are cruising dudes at New York City sex shops. The undercovers are entrapping them for prostitution charges by mentioning that they will pay for sex, then waiting approximately two seconds before other cops jump the gay guys and arrest them.

A junkie is whining that gays adopted her kids.

Is it time to boycott Fedex?

Gay marriage is legal in Canada, but even that didn't stop a Manitoba doctor for refusing to even treat lesbians.

Meanwhile, in another part of Canada, an interesting decision on sperm donors.

ESPN produced an ad starring Shaquille O'Neal that will blow your mind, once you realize it was made in the 21st century.

And new Illinois Governor Patrick Quinn keeps looking better and better: turns out he's a big fan of the gays.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Adopt George Clooney

This Week in Gayness: Portland Mayor's Sex Scandal Heats Up

Scanner Roundtable: If Gay Marriage Is Legal, What About Polygamy?

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Sloppy Seconds: Pornos Will Save Us All

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

A family decided not to report their adopted son missing... for a decade. Think they had a hand in his disappearance?

Is this officially the end of the Bush era? Jeb has declined to run for Senate in Florida, where he would have been virtually unbeatable.

The Josh Brolin-Jeffrey Wright bar brawl case has been resolved...

Cindy Kemp, spokeswoman for the Shreveport City Court, tells E! News that as long as the actors and five others accept "district attorney's probation" and stay out of further trouble, all misdemeanor counts against the group will be dismissed at their next court date, scheduled for March 11. [Yahoo!]

We're a little worried about a TV talking head getting a post in the Obama administration.

A woman was shot in the face by her roommate in New Orleans for being so stupid as to move in with him. Seriously, there's no motive whatsoever-- she hadn't even moved her stuff in yet.

Fleshbot reports that the Atlantic Monthly believes porn will save the economy. Or something equally ridiculous. [NSFW]

And Sean Penn and Josh Brolin had it out over a drunken exchange of words at the New York Film Critics Awards. We think they were kidding.

Related:

This Week in Gayness: The New Transgender Minister

While You Were Sleeping: Tara Reid Back To The Booze

While You Were Sleeping: Hugh Jackman and Cleopatra

Arousal Brings Out the Creep in Many Dudes

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:51:00 GMT

Scanner Santa has a slew of gift ideas for you: sex toys, DVDs, a pair of shoes and... an artificial virginity hymen?

Plus, there's a mother lode of delectable posts you missed out on this week...

HIGHS:

Fleshbot stuffed our stockings with dildos.

The 1925 office party almost made us wish we worked in an actual office instead of in our underwear.

Santacon: the only holiday event we participate in, besides gift-receiving.

The publishing industry is in turmoil-- get people books as presents, if you can.

It's the end of the year: time to crown a new Miss World and imprison the losers in a zoo.

Cops and hookers celebrated the holiday as only they can(not, under police rules.)

Scanner Verena drooled over the Santa undie run.

Joe Biden got himself a lovely Christmas present.

We're no longer afraid of Mike Tyson, thanks to how much turkey he obviously ate last month.

Italian scientists gave the women of the world the greatest gift of all: orgasms.

LOWS:

George Bush ducked a pair of shoes-- this would've been a high, if not for his excellent reflexes.

He responded to the controversy by releasing this atrocious video of his family's acting skills, which are worse than Leonardo DiCaprio's.

Paula Abdul also dumped some holiday crap on us.

We're still trying to figure out how Scanner Matt narrowed down this list to a mere 5 shittastic Christmas commercials.

This holiday season, skip the rom-coms that will be cropping up in your gift boxes.

The Artificial Virginity Hymen should not be on Christmas list. Just stop.

Meanwhile, Time Warner wasted time it should've better spent fixing New York's internet problems by producing this calendar.

And we're not sure if this is a high or a low: but an obviously poor boy broke into a dollar store to play with some of their toys. Merry Christmas, kid.

Same with this: Scanner Emily peaced out on NYC, moved to Missoura. We'll miss her physical presence up North, but she'll still be around in our Google chats and sidebars, for sure, starting next week.

Stuff Your Stocking With Fleshbot's Top Sex Toys of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 22:33:00 GMT

There's the Bo, the We-Vibe, the Curve, and something called the Babeland Nubby G.

These and six other sex toys round out Fleshbot's list of the Top 10 Sex Toys of 2008...

The full list includes: 10) The We-Vibe, a vibrating cock ring; 9) The Bo, a silicone cock ring, seen in the above-right photo; 8) The Babeland Nubby G, which had some problems back with toxic chemicals, is reborn in a bang-for-buck model; 7) The Curve, which Fleshbot calls one of the best dildos ever; 6) The Mia, seen in the above left photo, "could pass for a USB device" and is therefore recommended for air travel; 5) The Vibe, despite its imperfect "navigation system"; 4) The Jollie, a dildo of massive girth, and not to be confused with the Jolly Ol' Saint Nick or Angelina Plus 400 Pounds; 3) The Eleven, the $300 dildo for those of you not hit by the economy in any meaningful way; 2) We dated a Gigi in high school-- let's just say we'll order one of these for ourselves. And... #1...

The Sasi. You may recall we announced its release in terrified tones just four short months ago:

SaSi (pronounced "sassy"), is smart-ass vibrator, and does the following:
1) remembers what you like and knows how to repeat itself
2) weilds a "smooth round massage head" like the tip of a tongue, "creating a soft kneading" of varying speeds, in an apparent attempt to replicate some hot oral sex. According to the website.

See the full list here.

Related:

Babeland Launches The Erratic, Dangerous, Man-Eliminating Vibrator

Did You Vote? Then Babeland Would Like To Give You A Free Sex Toy...

Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

The Giant Penis Is Watching Over You

Oh Crap, We're Halfway Through National Masturbation Month and We Forgot to Masturbate

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:54:00 GMT

To be fair, having a broken wrist will do that to a girl.

But the cast is finally off and we plan to take full advantage of the sixteen days left in National Masturbation Month. Which, as Fleshbot points out, is also National Orgasm Month, Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month and, uh, National Salad Month and National Barbeque Month. And Bike Month, and Good Car Keeping Month, but back to the masturbation stuff...

Happy ~~fucking~~ Masturbation Month! We'll do our best to bring you some items to get you in the mood for next couple of weeks. Did Lily Allen's boobs do it for anyone?

Fleshbot Examines Yet Another Smut Site With a Dubious Business Plan

Bryan Christian — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Hey, anybody out there been using Zivity, a subscriber-based upscale smut site that's curently in that nebulous state known as "beta testing"? They're posing themselves as "the HBO of the Web” -- and getting a bit of investor cash in the process -- but we ain't drinking the Kool-Aid just yet, and neither is Fleshbot.

According to insidery Valley blog Techcrunch, the site will remain in "private beta" mode until at least 2009, but has already secured $8 million in private financing. When it does eventually go public, it will pay the models and photographers who generate the most interest based on user votes ... but not with that $8 mil. That money will come from user subscription fees, since you will have to pay to look at and vote on content.

... and of course, you can guess where this going: who's gonna pay for boobies when they're everywhere online for free? We'd like to put it another way: how is HBO possibly a model for a website when it's fundamentally a different business scenario? If we had to purchase access to 100 websites at a time, then yeah, we might consider a package that had high-class smut like this. But since it don't work that way (yet)... well, let's just say we're pretty skeptical too. Not that we're not open to perhaps having an open-minded look with one of those beta testing accounts... (hint hint).

Previously: Like Wal-Mart for Boobies, Porn.com Now Open for Business

Porn Stars: They're Just Like Half of All Adults (By Age 50)

Emily Farris — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 17:16:00 GMT

We were up perusing Fleshbot, as we often are at 1:27 in the morning, and came across this picture of porn star Joanna Angel. We looked a little closer and thought we might have seen a hemmorhoid. Do porn stars get hemmorhoids and then take pictures like this and hope no one will notice? Or are hemmorhoids all good in the hood in the porn industry? They're, like, the one skin condition down there that's not contagious, so maybe they're treated as a delicacy or something. We thought they'd at least Photoshop it out, but we're a little glad they didn't. Way to stand up for women with hemmorhoids, Joanna Angel!

Not to get all Perez Hilton on you, but do not click through if you are easily offended, or are at work, or are grossed out by a condition that nearly half of all adults will suffer with by age 50. We have highlighted what we're pretty sure is Ms. Angel's 'roid. Medical professionals, please feel free to correct us if we're wrong; we'd be really interested to know what it is if it's not a hemmorhoid.

[Fleshbot: Did You Know Joanna Angel is Jewish?]

Can I Wear The Obama Mask Now?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 18:45:00 GMT

Apparently, our Google Alert for Barack Obama doesn't cover the Houston-area "Men Seeking Men" section of Craigslist.

A nine-inch penis from Atlanta in town on business is advertising itself for a casual but memorable encounter. It sounds eerily similar to a scenario made up by a very stankin' con artist with way too much time on his hands: pick me up and take me back to your hotel room, where we will pound each other and swap Obama masks.

Poor Obama. First there's the whole Muslim thing, then there's that whole gay thing, then there's that whole Muslim thing, then there's this gay thing. In case it gets pulled by some overly-sensititive Barry fans, here's the text, followed by the actual link via Fleshbot:

houston craigslist > men seeking men

Hung Black Male (9)_Seeks White Masc Bottom To Pound Wearing Obama Msk - 34

Reply to: pers-583071497@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-22, 1:34PM CST

I am an attractive, in shape hung (9 inches) black male from Atlanta here on business. I am looking for a masculine white male to service me, then get pounded in my hotel room today or tomorrow (saturday). Send your pics, stats and background info. I want to wear my Obama mask while I pound you.

Location: Hilton Americas

Via Fleshbot.

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Has a Belly Just Like the Rest of Us While Marion Cotillard Has Some Naked Pictures Just Like the Rest of Us

Emily Farris — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:29:00 GMT

Brad and Angelina are thrilled to be adding to their brood.

In true American, post-award fashion, Fleshbot has some naked pictures of Marion Cotillard. Sorry, er, you're welcome?

Christina Aguilera will teach her son, Max, to respect women.

Britney Spears saw her sons for the first time in a long, long time.

Would you wear a David Beckham condom?

Gene Simmons Wanted to Know What Love Is and He Wanted You to Show Him

Bryan Christian — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Hey kids, did you hear about the Gene Simmons sex tape? No? Good. Then we'll speak no more of it.

Stubborn, eh? Well, you'll learn to regret such insolence. Lesson one: clips of the aging, tonsorially challenged Kiss bassist humping one of his employees. How depressing are they? Well, Gene's either so vain or so cold that he doesn't remove his shirt. Also his feeble attempts to kiss the girl -- a spokesmodel for an energy drink he's associated with -- are thoroughly rebuffed. Oh, and did we mention that Foreigner is playing in the background?

Still curious, eh? Well, Fleshbot has very NSFW (duh) sample clips, but if you want the whole thing -- and the privilege of paying for it -- well, then a) what is wrong with you? And b) head to genessecret.com.

[via AVN]

"The Joy of Sex" Redux

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 19:51:00 GMT

Whose parents didn't have "The Joy of Sex" stashed somewhere in the house? And who here didn't flip through it as a kid and feel a little funny down there? Now a whole new generation of children can someday feel the same way when they find the new edition, set to come out this year, in your not-so-secret hiding place.

[Fleshbot: Books, The Joy of Sex]

Own lubricate.com

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 20:25:00 GMT

Jump start your career today! Or put a picture of your ex-boyfriend up at asshole.com. A handful of dirty internet names are going up for auction this month. Get some.

[Fleshbot: How would you like to own a coveted domain?]

Because It's Friday

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 19:16:00 GMT

Because it's Friday and we know you love ~~boobs~~ silent films: Porn star Katie Morgan takes us on a magical, topless journey back to the days of silent "porn" films. Unfortunately, we can't find the code to embed the video in Scanner, so you're going to have to make the long journey over to Fleshbot to watch it without us. Enjoy!