Scanner : fake boobs

Sloppy Seconds: Free Boobs!

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:36:00 GMT

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has a penchant for pretty women (what politician doesn't?). And it's a source of "suffering" for his wife, Veronica Lario, she wrote in an open letter. [Yahoo!]

Simon Cowell joked that he's "secretly in love" with fellow American Idol judge Paula Abdul. And we wouldn't be all that surprised if he jerked off to the "Cold Hearted Snake" video back in the day... or if he still does. [Us]

After her double mastectomy, breast cancer survivor Christina Applegate says she still feels sexy, especially because her boyfriend, Dutch bass player Martyn Lenoble loves her "from head to toe." [People]

Is there no more bromance in the world? Chace Crawford is apparently looking to move out of the pad he shares with Gossip Girl co-star Ed Westwick. [PageSix]

Everyone can stop worrying about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They're taking the necessary precautions to prevent catching swine flu (the swine flu?) while on their honeymoon in Mexico. Whew. We know we'll sleep better tonight knowing they're okay. [MTV]

Did California pageant officials buy homophobic Miss California, Carrie Prejean, new breasts? And if so, how do we get some? [Defamer]

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

B-List British Celebrities Finally Realizing Fake Boobs Won't Help Anything

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 16:31:00 GMT

The Sun and The Daily Mail are competing today, as always, over who has the better stor(ies) about Grade-Z reality show stars with breast implants.

One thing everyone seems to agree on is that the tide has turned against gigantic boobs on the isle across the pond...

We reported earlier on B-list model Kerry Katona having her implants removed for a charitable eBay auction. Now comes the story of Chantelle Houghton, a former contestant on Celebrity Big Brother (why she was considered a celebrity before the show, we're not entirely sure), broke out from the show when she underwent a makeover, divorce, and boob job all in a row. Now, she says, maybe that wasn't the world's greatest plan:

'They're just too big. Now I just want to hide them. I thought I wanted to go up to that size and I loved them at the time, but now I wish I'd never had them done.'
'I'm very bad at making decisions and I just change my mind really quickly, so I do regret it now. Looking back, I did it for the attention. I realise it was a cry for help.'
She now visits a physio twice a week for back pain caused by the heavy implants.
She has said: 'They're taking over my life.'

Meanwhile, singer Michelle Heaton skipped the boob job, but kept the makeover and divorce, and is now the darling of all British tabloids. Could this headlining story today-- which was about a simple photo shoot spoofing Cindy Crawford's recent Allure spread-- be a sign of things to come for Britain?

The former Liberty X singer - ever the publicity-lover - slipped into a midriff-baring cut-out swimsuit and energetically tore up a loaf of white bread in an effort to recreate the supermodel's latest photoshoot which appeared in Allure magazine last month.
Michelle is apparently enjoying a new burst of confidence after losing two stone on a strict no-carb diet and is eager to show off the results.

Before you get all excited that Britain is now into healthy body images, check out this ad series from fake-boobed Lucy Pinder. These have been playing again recently and are still sweeping the nation...

Via the Daily Mail: here and here.

Related:

eBay Removes Kerry Katona's Breast Implant

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Audrina Partridge Already Reduced to Nude Advertisements

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Botulism, Abortion, And A Woman's Right To Choose

What Country Has The Most Women Wearing DD Bras?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:10:00 GMT

We're betting you were going to guess "the United States of America" right off the bat. Don't.

According to a variety of sources, the average bra in the US is a B Cup, more specifically a 34B. (In a widely circulated survey in 2005, Americans were found to be wearing more B cups than C cups, 44% to 28%, and more A cups than D cups, 15% to 10%.)

If you were going to say the United Kingdom has the most double D's, guess again...

The winner of our unofficial and unscientific survey is... Australia!

Up to 40 per cent of Australian women now buy bras with a cup size of DD or higher, new figures from lingerie suppliers show.

In the 1950s, the most common bra-cup size was a B - three sizes less than a DD.

Modern breasts are getting so large that some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K, The Sunday Telegraphreports.
...sales of DD-plus bras have grown from about 20 per cent of sales to 28 per cent in just five years.

The best line of the whole story explains that boobs are growing because of The Pill and artificial hormones... but, of course, because of obesity, as well. If that's the case, we have to wonder why the World's Fattest Country hasn't enlarged its average cup size.

Meanwhile, a local surgeon says his breast reduction schedule has doubled in recent years.

"There's no question that because the population is bigger their breasts are bigger as well, because it's all fatty tissue.

"As women get older the amount of fatty tissue increases, and also the proportion of fat increases."

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eBay Removes Kerry Katona's Breast Implant

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Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:13:00 GMT

A blog covering the town of Burien, Washington, which is near Seattle and has a mere 31,000 residents, announced yesterday that a strip club is moving into a space that once housed an Office Depot. Normally, we could care less about this development, except our eyes fell straight to the words "strippers on Segways..."

Of course, it's definitely an April Fool's joke.

What, we can't goof on ya just because April Fool's Day was yesterday? Listen, we don't need no stinkin' calendar to tell us when to have a laugh at the world's expense. Plus, there's not much else happening right now except news stories about how everyone was duped by news stories yesterday (yeah, right-- the world's bullshit detector is always on high alert for 4/1.)

Here's the bizarre and obvious passage:

The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will... feature the latest trend in adult entertainment - Strippers on Segways.
“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have - an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”

“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.

“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”

Amazingly enough, even with quotes from a guy with three x's in his name, some commenters were worried it was real:

-This is an april fool's joke right? Absolutely ridiculous.

-I hope this is an April Fools Joke also? This would be terrible for Burien!

-Gosh I hope this is an April Fools joke too...yikes....empty space beats a strip joint any day.
-why would it be bad for burien ????......i'm sure it is an april fools joke...but if not the girlfriend and i will be there..............(crossing fingers)

Us, too, buddy... although minus the girlfriend aspect...

Via B-Townblog.

PETA Celebrates Mother's Day With Caged Pregnant Ladies

Coke Ad Offends the Entire Country of Sweden

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

Audrina Partridge Already Reduced to Nude Advertisements

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

Audrina Partridge is gearing up to star in a (hilariously awful!) spinoff of (the hilariously awful!) MTV fiction show The Hills.

Partridge and her ridiculous breast implants are apparently worthy of their own sitcom, since Partridge was such an exciting addition to The Hills that the 30-program could hardly cram in all her personal and professional trials and tribulations. Those mainly consisted of sitting around a pool, talking in an annoying voice, and not pretending to get married in Mexico.

So, MTV decided it can't have Partridge promote her upcoming series by going on "talk" shows, because it doesn't want to scare off its last two potential viewers. Instead, Partridge landed a deal with Divine Rights of Denim jeans, which continues the trend of having celebrity spokespeople pose nude to advertise their lame products...

Have we vented enough yet? Good.

By the way, the ads are above and directly below, followed by what you really clicked on this for: the lost nude Audrina Partridge photos.

More of the Divine Rights shoot here.

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PapSmeared: Brooke Hogan Spends Daddy's Money on More Stuff She Doesn't Need

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 16:21:00 GMT

[Image]

Drug Charges

Scanner Matt — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 17:14:00 GMT

Oh, that wacky, lovable Palin family... what have they got themselves into this time? Drugs? You betcha!

We never learned too much about Levi Johnston, except for a few gems of info found on his myspace page and the fact that he knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol. Here's an intimate look into his family life. The Anchorage Daily News reports Levi's mom was (ready?):

...arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

Troopers charged Johnston with second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance -- generally manufacturing or delivering drugs -- as well as fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession.

When asked about the arrest, Palin's spokesman, Bill McAllister, issued the following statement by e-mail: "This is not a state government matter. Therefore the governor's communications staff will not be providing comment or scheduling interview opportunities."

And oh yeah, eighteen year-old Bristol Palin is likely due on Saturday.

Related:

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin..

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

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(Bonkers) Woman Ejected From Giants Game For Big Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 21:18:00 GMT

You may have heard about the crazy, fame-hungry Sondra Fortunato and her attempt to make a football game worth watching this week.

Sondra wore fishnets, a Santa Suit, and ginormous fake boobies to the delight of Giants fans both at the stadium and on TV. For her troubles, she was unceremoniously booted from the game.

From her sadly-designed website:

Sondra has been honored to represent Miss Liberty @ certain functions. Her main area is character modeling & print. It seems where evershe goes people know her and receive her warmly, after all she is part of the show. [All typos and spelling/grammatical errors are hers.]

The Giants management disagreed with that self assessment. They objected to her tiara, leather boots, bathing suit... and Santa top. "Can't you come to the stadium dressed like a normal person?" The self-proclaimed Miss Football is unaware of her odd fashion sense, and so was baffled that anyone would think she was gross. "I guess some ladies got jealous and complained," she told the New York Post with a shrug.

Via various sources.

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Which Would You Rather: Small, Natural Boobs or Big, Fake Ones?

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Every time I complain to my double-D mom about the breast injustice in my family, she reminds me that "men would rather have lemon drops on an ironing board than fake ones." Then Scanner Brian posited this this morning and no one answered. Now we need to know, is it true?

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

Five Things Women Think They Know About Men (But They're Wrong)

[Image, Image]

While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

A woman who selflessly built homes for Katrina victims is CNN's Hero of the Year, an award which is obviously way cooler than Time's Person of the Year.

However, you look at it, this company is in deep shit: a radio station is being sued after a Win A Date With A Great Guy contest ended in the unlucky winner being raped. One commenter: "Is the radio station [really] responsible for doing a through criminal background check? What's a 24 year old woman dating a 46 year old man anyway?" Answers: possibly and we have no clue whatsoever.

Here it is, the annual annoying survey of the Top 10 stars you'd like to invite over for Thanksgiving...

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Tina Fey
3. Ellen DeGeneres + Portia De Rossi
4. Patrick Dempsey
5. Suri Cruise
6. Tyra Banks
7. Jonas Brothers
8. Keira Knightley
9. Beyonce Knowles
10. Robert Pattinson

Barack Obama joked he's going to throw his "weight around" regarding college football playoff rules. Isn't it great to have a President(-elect) whose kidding doesn't make you scream in horror?

Remember that big Hollywood wiretap scandal involving Tom Cruise and some other celebrities? The culprit was sentenced to three years in prison.

Biden does appear to be setting up his Senate seat for his son to take over in 2010.

93% of respondents to a Fark survey said they prefer real boobs to fake ones. Duh. It would've been more of a story if the question was, "Which do you prefer: small natural boobs or big enhanced boobs?"

And you could win a $500 gift card to Ikea and a date with one of the guys from Pavement.

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

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Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:55:00 GMT

There are so many nude photos of "Sarah Palin" floating around the web, photos that are either of Palin's head on some unknown model's body or Julia Louis-Dreyfus's. Readers previously debated this very question, unprovoked, in our first post of the supposed leaked photos, all of which are doctored or mislabeled in some way.

Now, we're going to ask you for real, with four naked photos of our next (Vice?) President to fight over...

Set of four photos via Fleshbot.

Related:

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

No Wonder Sarah Palin Wants Kids to Stop Reading Books

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

Sarah Palin Thinks Global Warming Is Polar Bear Sh*t

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Hot or Not: Jodie Marsh's Boobs?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:07:00 GMT

Lest we forget that Britain has its own terrible reality show (stars) that never cross the Atlantic, this is Jodie Marsh of the UK's Celebrity Big Brother. (We'll trade anyone on America's Next Top Model for any of yours, guys, at least so we can have a change of pace.)

She is the subject of much debate, mainly because she presents the usual annoying paradox in the sense that, much like the boy whose father is killed in a car crash but can't be operated on because the surgeon is his mother, Jodie Marsh is a person with gigantic bosoms who we'd normally enjoy having sex with except she is totally repulsive^.

So, your Hot or Not work assignment for today (you know, rather than actually doing work) is not just about Jodie Marsh's boobs. It's about whether Jodie Marsh herself is hot or whether or not a) fake boobs mean she's automatically not, b) boobs this fake mean she's automatically not, or c) being this annoying means she's still not automatically not hot. Confused? Never mind, just let us know if she's hot or not.

Marry Me Jodie Marsh was launched with the teaser "I'm getting married this September... Only problem is that I don't have a man!". Men were invited to submit an application for a series of open auditions for the chance to marry Marsh that September. MTV filmed the search and subsequent wedding.^[7]

The reality series featuring Marsh entitled Totally Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up the Aisle?, premiered in July of 2007 documenting Marsh's search to find a husband.^[8]Marsh eventually chose Matt Peacock, an ex-boyfriend of fellow glamour model Jordan.^[9]

[Except...] In the final episode of the show, MTV executives confronted Marsh and Matt Peacock with taped footage of Peacock's audition claiming he and Marsh had been dating for months and living together for three months, contrary to the show's claims. "I'm not hiding the fact I did the TV show for money. Of course I did". ^[14]
On Friday 13 January, Marsh was first to be voted out of the Big Brother house — with 8 out of 10 possible nominations (the highest ever margin)... She cried during her post-eviction interview with Davina McCall describing the experience as "horrific" and her housemates as "vile jealous bullies".^[5]

Um. We'll pass, thanks.

Via the Superficial.

Related:

Hot or Not: Michael Musto's Lindsay Lohan's Marilyn Monroe

Hot or Not: PETA Protests?

Hot or Not: 32K Boobs?

Hot Or Not: Skinny Actresses

Hot Or Not: Jamie Lee Curtis: The Results

^it's ridiculous that we have to say this, but... "we're kidding..."

Maxi Mounds And Her Boobs Break Guinness Record...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 16:22:00 GMT

...but when you learn which record it is, you may become grossed out to the max.

As reported on the Playboy blog:

a stripper from Sarasota has been officially recognized as having the world's largest implants. Her Guinness World Records certificate reads:

"Maxi Mounds (USA) was measured at Sarasota, Florida, USA, on 4 February 2005 and found to have an under breast measurement of 91.44 cm (36 in) and an around chest-over-nipple measurement of 153.67 cm (60.5 in). She currently wears a US size 42M bra (UK 42J)"

Good Lord, this woman's implants weigh 20 pounds... each. Does she want to be a hunchback at the age of 51? Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Ouch. Even more painful are photos of the breasts in all their glory:

Why Guinness felt these were boobs to be noted for anything short of a Darwin Award, we're not entirely sure. Maybe they need the publicity or something? According to Wikipedia:

Mounds' implants are polypropylene string breast implants, which irritate the breast tissue, causing them to grow continuously as they fill with fluid. She approached Guinness in August 2003, but the category did not yet exist. After creating the category, Guinness contacted her to request documentation of her measurements.

Thanks, but we'll stick to awarding every possible available natural-breasted woman sex before we go anywhere near this individual.

Via Playboy.

Fake or Not? Two Breasts, One Correct Answer

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:48:00 GMT

We snatched this pic from the website Fake or Not which thrives on the very simple idea that some breasts are fake, some are not and you can't necessarily tell the difference. We played their sick, twisted game and got 152 points. That is not a very good score for people who pride themselves on being good judges of the breastage.

So, what do you think? Silicone or homegrown? Answer (and a closer look) below.

They're fake! We know! Totally ridiculous.

Five Things Women Think They Know About Men (But They're Wrong)

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 19:00:00 GMT

At the risk of turning into Cosmo for the day, we're going to set the record straight about some things, since all of them are getting out of hand.

5) We are freaked out if you want to cook us dinner... on the second date. Back when Washington was copping his first feel under the cherry tree (ah, young love), it was not frowned upon for a woman being courted for marriage to prepare a meal for her chaperoned suitor. This trend, it seems, peaked most especially in the 1950s, arguably one of America's most conservative eras. So why is it that women these days are afraid of cooking so early on in a "courtship?" The country has grown ever more progressive, yet small tokens of affection have increasingly been put off to a more secure point in the relationship. If you find yourself dating a guy who might balk at a minuscule hint at romance on the second date, get out now.

4) Wanting to have a serious conversation in bed, especially after sex, is acceptable. We know it's been a long day, you worked late, and this our first chance to talk. Too bad-- wait till the next opportunity to bring up your unintended pregnancy, marriage plans (for me!), and anything else with the exception of STD's. Yes, after sex is a great time to bring those up... or, you know... before, whichever's more convenient for you.

3) Men love breast implants. And we can tell, ladies, because your boobs don't move-- and part of the appeal of boobs is that they can move. But more importantly than that, it's a real turnoff to learn a) you're seriously lacking self-confidence and b) you think you'll attract more/better mates with those things. You won't. Which kind of guys do you think are more likely to appreciate fake tits? Confident, successful, "keepers" or keg-standing douches? (Remember, kids: organic beats processed any day.)

2) The thinner, the better. Ladies, skinny or otherwise, it's not a biggie (really), but when we start to pay more attention to your ribcage and vertebrae than your hypnotic eyes and sensational personality, we will force a waffle cone of rocky road ice cream on you. You'll thank us for it when you realize how much healthier it is to avoid looking as grossly thin as Paris Hilton.

1) Men give a rat's bunghole what shoes you're wearing. Certainly not unless they are gnarly flip-flops exposing even gnarlier toes or a pair of hot high heels. If you asked us what our girlfriend's shoe closet looks like, we will look at you like you are a martian or, worse, a Ron Paul supporter.

Feel free to add numbers six and up in the comments...

George Clooney's Ex Posing Nude For Playboy?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:31:00 GMT

Sarah Larson, the Vegas cocktail waitress recently ditched by George Clooney, allegedly after getting breast implants, is now up for the cover of Playboy...

"She likes her new body so much that she would consider posing for Playboy," the source claims. Sarah's "rep" denies the rumor.

Like George, we're strongly against breast implants-- at best, they only attract the wrong type of guys-- but we're even more against ex-reality show stars (Larson won "Fear Factor") becoming A-list (or even C-list) stars... hopefully, George will next choose someone who doesn't need to do a nude pictoral as breakup revenge. A classy person deserves another classy person, no?

Via the Post-Chronicle.

Who Would You Rather: Pamela Anderson or Madonna?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 19:30:00 GMT

Scanner Bryan already exposed Madona's diabolical plan to violate the sacred celluloid known as "Casablanca" as little more than a ripoff of Pam Anderson's 1996 boondoggle "Barb Wire."

But the question remains: will these two have a catfight over their two classic films? A better question: who cares? No one is ever going to see "Casablanca," starring Madge and set in modern-day Iraq (we guess all the scenes will be in secret, underground bunkers?), so, more importantly...

This time, it's enormous fake tits + endearing sense of humor + no acting talent + married to two of the most unlikeable men ever to walk the pages of Us Weekly (not including Tommy Lee) vs. one of the coolest pop singers of all-time + not the hottest nude celebrity we've ever seen + still beautiful at 50...

Who...

would you...

rather?