Scanner : ex-wives

Sloppy Seconds: Sarah Palin's Next Move

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 23:41:00 GMT

Memo to morons: setting someone's lawn on fire is not a "prank."

What kind of person tells her daughter she doesn't love her, then makes the girl pose for a photo for an article about how unloved she is?

The rumors are flying about why Caroline Kennedy is out of contention for the Senate seat.

Here's the resume help we all sorely needed.

Katy Perry on that whole celibacy vow thing: "I'd rather die!"

A guy is suing his ex-wife over having funded their daughter's life. The problem? DNA tests have proved the ex-wife was impregnated by another man.

And you thought your landlord's a shithead.

Cate Blanchett is so well-respected in her native Australia that she's going to get her own postage stamp.

And Sarah Palin appears to have hired a lawyer in preparation for a major book and or television deal. GO AWAY.

Today in "How'd That Get Up There?"

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

The Vivienne Boys Show a Little Bum

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Flash Mob Protest

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Here's a program we can get behind: putting the sex back in sex ed.

Kids say the darndest things to Obama. The best one is the kid who says Obama gets to run around like "a maniac" in the Oval Office.

Damn, this Verne Troyer dude has a buttload of sex. Check out the latest story on his escapades:

Troyer, along with one of his randy mates, were at porn baron Hugh Hefner’s Hollywood Playboy mansion in 2005 when he took part in the all-night five-in-a-bed romp with the three gorgeous girls. [He] told News of the World: “I love the mansion and have had some of the best nights of my life behind its walls. I’ve been so many times and it never loses its appeal—but why would it? ...I didn’t just pleasure one Playboy Bunny, I pleasured three. And it doesn’t get much better than that. I watched while they touched each other, then me and my friend joined in. I know exactly how to make a woman feel like a woman. I know the spot, and I’ve got plenty of inches where it matters. I know what women want and it’s me.”

Maybe so, but his vindictive ex says those "inches" are a stretch.

Watch out, guys. In case you didn't know, demanding your wife get freaky with another woman can spell the beginning of the end for your relationship.

Devo is headlining the 2009 SXSW.

Will Bush pardon Scooter Libby and Ted Stevens today? By the way, don't forget that, amidst all this hoopla, today is George W. Bush's last day in the White House, woo hoo!

There was a flash mob protest over the weekend at London's Heathrow airport. If anyone has photographic evidence of the multiple nude incidents, please send them to scanner@nerve.com.

And Terry Gilliam is putting the finishing touches on the final Heath Ledger movie, a job he finds incredibly difficult to push through.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:22:00 GMT

Memo to the ladies: never marry a man who has sex with you ten times a day-- it can only lead to disappointment.

In an interview with News of the World, Verne Troyer's ex-wife, incredibly hot Playboy playmate Genevieve Gallen pays her rent for a few months with an unrestrained (and unnecessarily TMI-filled) rant about her former lover. Gallen, who was dumped just a few months after her wedding to the Austin Powers star and featured contestant on the upcoming Celebrity Big Brother (UK), reveals more than you ever wanted to know about the B-list actor:

“We had to be creative—but because of my yoga experience I could get into the right positions to make it work. And I was soon head over heels in love with Verne.
“We could have sex up to 10 times in a single day. We’d do it for 45 minutes and he would just keep on going as I had orgasm after orgasm.
“He was a sex addict. He was then only the second man I’d ever slept with. He told me he’d had huge numbers of girls.”

Only the second man she'd ever slept with? A 30-year-old Playboy bunny barely not a virgin? For some reason, we're not sure we buy that, but whatever, moving along:

“I would dress up in my sexiest lingerie every day and try all sorts of role-play games. Sometimes I dressed as a prostitute, other times a cheerleader—and even a schoolgirl. I once put on a dark wig, some sexy lingerie and put on a Russian accent so he would think I was a high class call girl.
“There was no doubt in my mind he was the man for me.”

Based on what? The sex? After all, that's all she seems to use as a qualifier.

“I was nervous but determined we would do it that night. I had even researched what condoms to use for a little man... We made love three times that night. For me it was emotionally satisfying... But I was surprised when I saw him naked for the first time that night—I had expected him to be better endowed. But Verne’s body is proportional all over, so he was smaller than I expected.”

However, it went downhill in a hurry:

"...he was so drunk he passed out wearing his socks and boxers. At the end of the day, I think he was more in love with alcohol than he was with me.
"I heard he was in hospital and when I got there he was lying in bed covered in vomit and diarrhea...
He demanded an annulment, claiming he would only land a part on an American reality show if he was still single.

Ouch! Did Troyer really believe getting married made any difference to his career-- as if the women of the America would stop lining up by the millions if the read the news on the front page of their tabloids. Poor Genevieve...

Via News of the World.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Drew Peterson killed two of his wives.

As these are only accusations at this point (and barely even that-- the police haven't even charged him with a crime), we could get in a bit of trouble for saying that. But we may have to sacrifice a bit of our own livelihood to wake up this obviously delusional, possible future-victim about to make the biggest mistake of her young life...

An unnamed twenty-four-year-old woman from Bolingbrook, Illinois (if we knew her name, we'd call 4-1-1 and straighten her out, Alec Baldwin-style) is reportedly engaged to Suspect #1, Drew Peterson, whose wife hasn't even been declared dead. This guy's got major cojones-- I thought he was like OJ, searching for the real killer. And hell, at least OJ had the brains not to get engaged during the investigation into his ex-wife's murder.

This guy is one sick individual, God knows what he's capable of doing to his latest early-20's "love." (That's right, his current wife is 24, if she's still alive. How is this guy cleaning up the Illinois-area single women?)

While You Were Sleeping: America's Most Wanted Murder... Solved

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Bill Murray Becomes His Character From Rushmore

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:10:00 GMT

When we were in high school, we were one of the last actors to get a call to read for the lead role in Rushmore. But before we could finalize the appointment, Jason Schwartzman was cast and went on to, um, semi-fame.

Anyway, our biggest disappointment about the experience was not getting to mess with Bill Murray all day, especially in the sequence where Max (the Schwartzman character) tries out a bunch of (comic) methods to kill Murray's Herman Blume, who is too busy smoking and drinking himself toward divorce to notice.

Now, Murray has broken his silence about his real-life divorce and internal suffering, saying that kind of life isn't as fun as Blume made it out to be in the film...

Here are the highlights... including word of a Ghostbusters III, woo hoo:

Murray said he identified anew with those characters -- like the dour Herman Blume in "Rushmore" -- when his wife of nearly 11 years filed for divorce in May. In the papers filed by Jennifer Butler Murray, she alleged that Murray abused her and was addicted to alcohol and marijuana.
"That was devastating," Murray said. "That was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my entire life."
Murray said his lowest point came a few weeks ago. When friends asked if he wanted to participate in an air show to support the Illinois United Service Organizations (Murray grew up outside Chicago), he accepted the skydiving invitation.

"They asked me on a day I didn't care," said Murray. "I didn't even care if there was a parachute..."

The writers of "The Office" have been hired to pen a "Ghostbusters III," which Murray thinks could offer a fresh take on the films, the second of which he (and many others) found disappointing.

We're not sure the fact that he doesn't refute any of his ex-wife's charges may not return him to Scanner Emily's good graces, but we feel for the guy: he sounds genuinely sorry for having screwed up...

Read the rest at CNN.com.

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Today in "How'd That Get Up There?"

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Sloppy Seconds: Are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Really Splitting Up?

Bill Murray: Back on The Market But Do We Want Him?