Scanner : ex boyfriends

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:12:00 GMT

A rabbi says he was able to conquer his fear of Nazis... by playing Call of Duty.

First, it was Bob Dole with the Tarantino movies. Now, it's Gary Sinise and Redacted. Why is it the conservatives always attack movies they haven't even seen?

Chris Brown and Rihanna are... writing a book? And it's about domestic abuse?!

Let The Right One In and Milk were released on DVD yesterday. Both are highly recommended.

Jennifer Aniston said she will "always love Brad Pitt" and hopes that they'll be friends again someday.

Oh no... Jamie Lynn Spears is planning to enter a recording studio to make a country album.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are working it out. Sorry, dudes.

There are over 2,000 registered sex offenders on MySpace... 2,000 registered sex offenders just from North Carolina. In other news, people are still "on" MySpace.

And is Jim Cramer the meanest, loudest, most awful crybaby? Well, no, that's Bill O'Reilly, but Cramer does come pretty close at times.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Sloppy Seconds: Evan Rachel Wood Isn't the Only One Tapping That

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:11:00 GMT

Holy hot lesbian, Batwoman. No, really! Batman's replacement is a batchick who loves chicks. Awesome. [Broadsheet/Salon]

Not cool: dudes who rape dogs. [Plog]

Cool: the anti-theft lunch bag. [ThinkOfThe]

Today in stuff I absolutely hate to admit is true: the butterfly effect, in which your ex boyfriend gets his shit together and starts dating a girl hotter than you after you break up. [New York Observer]

Okay, I don't know if girl on boy tapping can happen, but that's not the point. This is: Are Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love the best couple ever or the worst copule ever? [Vulture]

Oh, and I totally emailed Judah Friedlander for a date when I'm back in New York at the end of the month. Stay tuned to see if he bites. [TONY]

When Re-Touchers Get a Little Magic Wand Happy We All Suffer, Especially Scanner Emily

[Image]

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:22:00 GMT

So this is 2009. So far, so good. We're going to use the next few days to accidentally write "2008" on everything and take a look back at the year that was. You can expect the top 10 Scanner posts of 2008 on Monday. But first, as promised, Scanner Emily's top 10 lessons learned in 2008, including—unfortunately—a repeat from last year. Seriously, how many times must we humiliate ourselves online before learning that drinking and Facebook do not mix?

10. Even when you think you're eating sort-of maybe healthily, you're not, you fat fuck.

9. Everyone has daddy issues, okay?

8. Always, always, always back-up what's on your computer (not that we've actually gotten around to it yet).

7. You can always go home.

6. Don't fool yourself into thinking the only way to get The Herp at summer camp is by making out with a hot co-counselor in the art barn. It is not. (And If you have to make jokes about being the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world, you just might be.)

5. It is possible to attend the costume party of your dreams and actually have a blast. If you have not yet experienced this, keep the dream alive and don't throw away those ruffly bloomers you've been holding on to for just such an occasion.

4. Whiskey will not make you a better roller skater. Well, it won't make you better at stopping, anyway.

3. Yellow tights are super unflattering and will get you weird looks even in the Bellevue emergency room.

2. Never, ever try to use The Facebook on your phoneputer while totally shit-faced drunk. (Yes, we thought we learned this one in 2007.)

1. If your ex-boyfriend asks if he can write an article about you for the local alternative weekly, say no.

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Scanner Emily's Burlesque Fantasy Comes True, Sort Of

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 20:11:00 GMT

"Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine."

We love hearing from strippers out there, so if you have advice for those of who enjoying hitting the clubs, let us know! We're kidding-- we can't afford to go to strip clubs, even ones with the free admission and $10 Milwaukee's Best...

Nonetheless, check out this great bit of advice from a stripper...

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

Ass clapping! That's our phrase of the day, people.

During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit...

Wait a minute... is she for real?

Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off!

All right, we're pretty sure she's kidding now, but this is entertaining material...

Via Jocelyn's Corner.

Related:

"Performer" Ecstasy Can Rap and Wear Lycra at the Same Time

While You Were Sleeping: The Lapdancers And The Prime Minister

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

House Hotties Break Network TV Rules With Raunchy Sex Scene

Germany's Richest Woman Blackmailed With Own Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:34:00 GMT

You're the country's richest woman. You fear home invasion, kidnapping, extortion, and those pesky poor people with their hands out.

What you probably don't do is worry about getting blackmailed over your own sex tape. Unless, of course, you're this woman...

German police have been working on a case involving Susanne Klatten, Germany's 46-year-old female billionaire, and have arrested two men: Klatten's alleged lover and a friend of his, a hotel owner who filmed sexual trysts in his establishment. The duo hoped to received 40 million euros, but had to settle for 7.5 million from Klatten. Klatten, who helped foil her own kidnapping at the age of 16, was already talking to the cops.

Klatten, who holds a large stake in automaker BMW and Altana speciality chemical company, allegedly paid 7.5 million euros to a Swiss Helg Sgarbi to stop him from publishing compromising photos and videos of the couple's relationship, the German tabloid Bild am Sonntag reported.

The 41-year-old suspect was taken into custody by German authorities some weeks ago, Schmidt-Sommerfeld said.

The heiress to the Quandt family fortune and mother of three children "filed a complaint for fraud and blackmail in January 2008 with a Munich court," he added. Klatten has a personal fortune of 7.8 billion euros, according to German's Manager Magazine.

7.8 billion euros? That's like 40 trillion American or six Michael Bloombergs, right?

Seriously, we think we know why Klatten was embarrassed about this sex tape going public: she's "happily" married. Our guess is that she paid the hush money more so her husband wouldn't find out about the affair than any other public humiliation it could cause. The fact that she went to the police may only mean that she still hoped the media wouldn't find out about the whole incident.

Nice try.

Via Euro News.

Related:

Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

The Amazing Disappearing-Reappearing Britney Spears Sex Tape

Have We Finally Found Stills from the Britney Spears Sex Tape?

Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

Scanner Roundtable: What Counts As Cheating?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:15:00 GMT

A Tango story this morning gave us an idea: what do Scanner readers consider cheating? A kiss? A blow job followed by six straight months (but nothing shorter) of sex in a hotel room? What do you think?

We have been taught that the definition of cheating starts with a kiss, and that a physical tryst is the ultimate betrayal. But a lot of other flirtatious behavior can cross into the gray zone. Anything from sexy text messages and phone sex to a lap dance from a stripper and intense lunches with a coworker may not be immediate cause for a break-up, but these acts may be enough to make people re-evaluate what constitutes being unfaithful.

Take Eva, 25, a curator who lives in Chicago. Knee-deep into her relationship with her boyfriend, Rob, she started to feel restless. The sex with Rob was passionless and infrequent. Eva still loved him, but felt a need to jumpstart her love life. One day, she found a three-word email from an ex-boyfriend in her inbox: “How are you?” What started as innocent catch-up emails escalated into graphic reveries about their racy sexual past. Eva felt a thrill she hadn’t felt for months in her relationship with Rob. The ex-boyfriend lived in Italy, so the exchanges never resulted in a face-to-face meeting. Late at night, though, she wondered, “Am I a cheater?”

Damn, if sending e-mails is cheating, we're surprised no one's branded us with a bright-red "A" across our collective chests. But maybe you have a different opinion... let's hear from you in the comments.

Via Tango.

Russian "Cheatr" Photo Group Best, Most Dangerous Photo Group Ever

Nice Girls: Susie Bright on the Compulsion to Stand by Your Man

CBS News Correspondent Embroiled In Career-Defining Sex Scandal

While You Were Sleeping: The Heath Ledger Investigation

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:33:00 GMT

James Franco denies the shirt he wears in Pineapple Express is "stolen."

Betty White and Rue McClanahan both avoided Estelle Getty's funeral.

Shia Labeouf will not, as previously rumored, lose a finger.

Even some offensive jokes are too offensive for Bob Saget: he has lashed out at an eating disorder joke and other comments made at the expense of the Olsen twins during his own Comedy Central roast.

Celebrity Hero of the Day: Kirk Douglas, who has long fought for an official US apology for slavery, is thrilled that the House has passed a fitting resolution.

A judge tossed Lisa Marie's lawsuit against ex-boyfriend Tim Burton, which comes as no surprise.

The paparazzi have yet to capture Nicole Kidman's phantom baby. In a photograph, of course.

Can you believe the cast Chicago director Rob Marshall assembled for his new musical, Nine: Daniel Day Lewis, Penelope Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Kate Hudson, Dame Judi Dench, and Sophia Loren... for starters. There's also some guy named Fellini who's working on the screenplay...

The Heath Ledger investigation has closed. It's unclear whether Mary-Kate Olsen's refusal to testify is a reason investigators ended their search, for lack of evidence.

Via WENN.

Related:

Preliminary Results On "Who Would You Rather": DD Lewis vs. Bardem

Crush of the Week: Marion Cotillard

We Saw The Dark Knight In A Cavernous Movie Theater, During The Dead Of Night

Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Spiked Drink

"Please Have An Affair With My Husband"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 14:16:00 GMT

Who knew the Delaware State Police was a hotbed of swingers activity, so much so that one woman had to file a sexual harassment suit to put an end to the sexual madness?

1) Diane Miller claims a State Police Captain badgered her into an affair... with an assist from his swinging wife, who actually first broached the idea with Miller.

2) She was also sexually harassed by another male police officer, who groped her, hit on her incessantly, and even threw pieces of paper in between her cleavage.

3) Miller

charged that top brass failed to protect her from the unwanted sexual advances of Capt. John J. Laird even after she expressed concern about working for him. Along with the state police, Miller sued its parent agency, the state Department of Safety and Homeland Security.
According to Miller's lawsuit:
Laird and his wife befriended Miller after she began working for him at Troop 2 in Glasgow in June 2006. The couple often visited her home, sometimes spending the night. Laird made repeated advances toward Miller and Cissy Laird urged Miller to have an affair with her husband. One night, while Cissy Laird slept in another room, her husband had intercourse with Miller.

4) At this point, our instinctive reaction was: Wait, you slept with the guy and now you're suing him for harassing you? This better get better... and it does:

Cissy Laird also planned a July 2007 vacation for the trio at Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, where they stayed in the same room and Cissy encouraged the extramarital liaison, the lawsuit said. But Laird's wife soon became jealous and the trip ended in acrimony, with both badgering Miller to keep quiet about their activities, the lawsuit charges.

5) This is the part where Miller had to put up with the guy from incident #2 (see above.) She was transferred out of this guy's unit and told she was now working for... yep, Mr. Laird.

And in February 2007, while she recovered from surgery, Laird allegedly stopped at her home in full uniform, then grabbed her breast and tried to kiss her, saying, "It's OK. ... Cissy knows that I am here."
Not long afterward, Cissy Laird sent Miller a photograph of her husband in a bathing suit.
Also that month, the couple began visiting Miller's Dover home, often bringing food and wine. Cissy Laird reminded her that her husband had helped her and "had needs also," the suit said.
On one night when the couple spent the night, Cissy Laird slept in a spare room and her husband in Miller's bed where the two had sex, the suit said.
When the three went to Mexico that May, the two women were supposed to stay in one room, and Capt. Laird in another, the suit said. But upon arrival, Miller learned all three were booked in one room with a king-size bed. She expressed her displeasure, but Cissy Laird insisted she would sleep on a pull-out sofa because this is "what HE wants," the suit said.

6) This goes on and on... with no hint that Miller is unhappy with any of this. Until...

Miller and Capt. Laird later met at the Smyrna rest area, where he begged her to keep quiet about the trip. If she did not, Capt. Laird allegedly warned, she "better watch her back." She took his words as a threat, the suit said.
She soon hired an attorney and in August, after getting transferred to the Dover academy for recruits, filed a sex discrimination complaint with the State Department of Labor, Miller's suit said.
Martin said his client, who is in her 40s, felt she had no choice about having the affair.
"This is about a troop commander hitting on a subordinate," the lawyer said. "She felt a lot of pressure to give in to Capt. Laird."

There it is, folks. The chronology does not get into emotional feelings, just the facts, which is probably why we don't get a sense Miller is in any way dissatisfied with this arrangement. But looking back on it, it is clear that she is uncomfortable, at least, and it really doesn't matter in a sexual harassment case: if the advances are unwanted, it just takes a victim's say-so to make it valid.

Meanwhile, Laird was forced into retirement following the allegations. Meanwhile, Diane L. Miller is still working for the agency, as a $36K-a-year data processor...

Via Delaware Online.

Related:

Score! Photographer Pulls Off Public Nude Shoot Despite Police Invasion...

"This Is The City's Response To A Penis" One of Many Classic Moments From Nude Gallery Raid

What Has Happened to 63% of Women the NYC Subway?

Today in Sex: News From Around the World

While You Were Sleeping: Anne Hathaway and the Cops

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:25:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenneger took 200,000 people hostage today. It sounds like one of his terrible movies from 1980s but actually, it's part of an ongoing budget crisis in California. Blah.

Headline of the Day: Alba Bans Honor From Acting. If you've ever seen Dark Angel, you will agree with us in saying she may have also banned Talent.

Who is Michelle Williams seeing now that the media won't pounce on her for it?

Michelle Williams has sparked rumours of a new romance with filmmaker Spike Jonze - six months after the death of her ex-fiance Heath Ledger.
The former Dawson's Creek star has been repeatedly spotted with Jonze, the ex-husband of Lost In Translation director Sofia Coppola, near his Manhattan apartment in recent weeks.
The pair first met in 2006 when Williams auditioned for Jonze's film adaptation of the classic children's story Where The Wild Things Are. She won a role, but later withdrew from the project.

Nope, nothing is sacred anymore: MTV is working on a remake of "The Rock Horror Picture Show."

Two Danish lesbians making more than $100K a year lost their lawsuit against the doctor who implanted one of them with two embryos instead of one, thus giving them twins and doubling the cost of child rearing expenses. Yep, they wanted the doctor to pay half their expenses. Apparently forever.

Anne Hathaway's journals may have been seized by the police in their ongoing prosecution of her ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is not the plot of the next "Princess Diaries" movie...

And Lewis Black is, as usual, the go-to-guy for sane insanity in these, well, crazy times.

CNN Hasn't Been Getting Many Second Dates

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 18:10:00 GMT

CNN, which is trying to become the US Weekly of television, has put up a new article online listing all the ways women (or, really, men) blow their chances at a second date. Obviously, none of them were written by the man pictured above, a CNN employee who should have no problem getting a second chance, even after violating every one of these rules...

HOW NOT TO GET A SECOND DATE

"Forget" your wallet.

Cry.

Inappropriate disclosure of the personal kind. [Apparently, CNN has never heard of the term "TMI," which would have made this sentence far less awkward, uncomfortable, awkward, and redundant. - Ed.)

Inappropriate disclosure of the medical kind.

Perplexing Puppetry. [Huh? Guys, have you ever actually had someone do the hand puppets or "talk to the hand" thing on a date?!]

EXcessive EX Talk.

Still Smitten.

or worse...

Still Smiting (as in, "that bastard Anderson... why did he have to turn out to like the other sex?")

All these faux pas are somehow attributed to women by the CNN writer, but why don't the same apply to men? We've heard horror stories of "men" forgetting their wallets... or worse, using Entertainment Coupons.

Anyway... you can read the rest of this nonsense, along with tiresome explanations, at CNN.com. Instead, how about listing some more (i.e. "better") reasons a guy or gal won't be able to land a second date... in the comments...

The Ew! True Heatherwood Story: Sex, Sex, Sex!

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:11:00 GMT

"Researchers" have been digging into Heather Mills' past and have collected a bunch of her ex-boyfriends/lovers/etc for a documentary that one producer is calling "the program Sir Paul should have seen before he decided to get married."

"[They] have found some things she'll probably not be too happy to see again. She's tough and she's bounced back before. But she's worried this could lead to further problems for her in Britain."

While we're sure there's plenty of dirt on Ms. Mills, we'll have a hard time taking this documentary seriously. That doesn't mean we're not going to invite friends over and make popcorn and yell things like "nasty Bitch!," "dirty ho!" and "aw, snap!" at the television screen.

[Gabby Babble: Heather Mills Sex Life to Be Exposed on TV]

Snooping: Do You Do It?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 20:18:00 GMT

iVillage is doing a series on women who snoop on their boyfriends and what, if anything, they find out from their spelunking. (Guys, are you really this dumb that you give away your affairs by constantly writing on your ex's Facebook Wall? Or that you take naked photos of your ex to work with you? Actually, on behalf of guys everywhere, yes, we are.)

By the way, we hope some guys comment on their own snooping, lest we start to think iVillage is sexist and that only women can go to extremes.

Seriously, ladies, speaking on behalf of gentlemen everywhere, if you find yourself doing any of the following, it's time to a) dump his ass and get to a better place with yourself or b) just DTMA! Seriously.

I recently saw on his Facebook that [his ex] is constantly messaging him and writing on his wall, poking him nonstop. They talk on MSN often, probably even more than we talk. I decided to check his conversation history on MSN between them…They have very in-depth conversations about how life could've been for them, and that if they could go back in time to that one day...
I installed spyware on my home computer to find his email password. His email led to my discovery that he was seeing two other women while living with me.
I tried a GPS tracker, and that showed me one time that his car was parked at a deli for three hours.

Listen to yourself-- you are installing a stalking device on your lover's car to find out where he goes, when, and for how long... dump. the. motherfucker. already.

For more painful memories, click here. And guys, don't forget, do you snoop? Fess up, in the comments.

[Photo: Mad Magazine]

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton's Pussy Cat, Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman Talk Politics, Ethan Hawke's Belly, Porn and Snow

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:58:00 GMT

Paris Hilton left her pussy cat at the vet, and now they don't want to give it back.

Scarlett Jonansson and Natalie Portman talk monogamy and politics in W. We're not at all digging the cover and we're more than a little surprised that the Fug Girls haven't Fuged it yet.

We're trying to remember if we ever had a crush on Ethan Hawke, and we think that we probably did not (and we dig dudes with bellies).

Where do you hide your porn? We have an ex that hid his under "baseball."

And New Yorkers, you're not going to let a little snow come between you and the ones you love tonight, are you?