Scanner : esquire

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

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I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

[Image]

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 18:52:00 GMT

Megan Fox doesn't have anything to promote these days, but that never stops "gentleman rags" from running hot photos of her in an effort to "boost" their "circulation."

This time, however, her appearance on the cover of Esquire, and subsequent shots of her in her underwear, have something to do with Fox's promotion of the semi-new Red Cameras...

Here's what Esquire had to say about using the RedONE on this shoot:

For the first time in Esquire's history (and, we imagine, magazine history in general), a cover image was shot as a video. Using the RedONE, a video camera that captures images at four times the resolution of high-definition, photographer-director Greg Williams recorded ten minutes of loosely scripted footage with Fox — getting out of bed, rolling around on a pool chair, inexplicably lighting a barbecue. "It allowed her to act," Williams says. "She could run scenes without being reminded by the sound of a shutter every four seconds that I was taking a picture. As in still photography, a lot of it is capturing unexpected moments. This takes that one step further."

This, by the way, is the same camera that Che, Angels and Demons, and My Bloody Valentine 3D were shot with. It is rather revolutionary... despite the conventional use of Megan Fox to promote it.

Via Esquire-- these photos will be available on May 10th on newsstands everywhere.

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Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Sarah Palin hates me. So much so that she recently slammed me (and a few of my friends and colleagues if I'm being honest here) in Esquire.

"Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me….I'll tell you, yesterday the Anchorage Daily News, they called again to ask — double-, triple-, quadruple-check — who is Trig's real mom,” she said, in an interview to be published in the magazine’s March issue.

Perhaps she thinks "Emily Farris" is a pseudonym, or maybe she was alluding to the whole "Scanner Emily" thing, because the bored, pathetic, lying part is right on.

Let's take a little trip down memory lane to September 5, 2008:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Or perhaps our September 2 story was more your style:

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

What about October 4?

Sarah Palin Was not the First Chick to Fire an Automatic Weapon in a Bikini

Hey, at least there was some truth in our coverage of the election on October 7:

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

[CNN Politicker: Palin slams 'bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie']

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:55:00 GMT

Chloe Sevigny, who, we can attest from our one public encounter with her, has the best gams in town, talked with Esquire about blow jobs, Vincent Gallo, aroused casting directors, movie sex scenes, and why it's annoying when people say she looks better in person...

Here are our favorite moments, which unlike the original story, is annotated with links that help explain what she's talking about:

Harry Dean Stanton is very profound--everything that comes out of his mouth. There's so much weight to that guy. He always knows all his lines, always prepared. True, he might come straight from the bar, but he's got it together.
I'm ambitious, but I'm not ambitious enough to move to Los Angeles.
Stones over Beatles.

Then what I get a lot, too, which I think is really odd, is, "You're so much prettier in person." All the time. They think that makes me feel good?
I always found it distracting to be watching a movie and there was a love scene and the girl had her bra on.
I saw it in Cannes with everybody else. Vincent [Gallo] and I, we don't really speak anymore. But I'll always love him, and I hope that he makes another movie that's a million times better than Buffalo '66 or The Brown Bunny and blows everybody out of the water. And he will, if he can ever get the money for it.
Maybe we went too far.

She's referring, of course, to the infamous, epic on-screen blow job she gave Gallo in Gallo's movie The Brown Bunny, one of the most critically despised films ever released. Read more about that here.

I had an agent once who said that in an audition you have to make the women want to be you and the men want to fuck you. I said, I'm sorry, I can't just go into a room and, like, try to achieve that. That's not my motivation in life.

The rest of her quotes are here.

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Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:43:00 GMT

You ever hear a friend raving and drooling about a celebrity that you check out and say, "Why the hell are you attracted to that person?" (Fess up, Backstreet Boys anti-fans.)

Sometimes it's the media trying to make a hottie out of a starlet or reality show contestant forced on them by an overworked publicist. Or it's a massively successful makeup team turning a Plain Jane/Joe into a model so that the readers of Us Weekly can reassure themselves that they, too, can be prince(sse)s.

First up: the Ladies Edition.

5. Ivanka Trump. The fact that she's even related to the Donald is strike one-- strike two are the similar features to him, which is too creepy for us. Nonetheless, she's classy, self-assured, and apparently without a monstrous ego, which is more than we can say for most people.

4. Angie Stone. Great singer, looks snazzy in a hat, and her music doesn't depress the shit out of us. That's all gotta account for something. But, as with the rest of these choices, we can't decide whether she's attractive or not.

3. Mariah Carey. This would've been a no-brainer if we'd showed a screenshot of her video for the "Fantasy" single (maybe it's being brought up on The Dukes of Hazzard, but we've always had a thing for jean shorts and short shorts), but nowadays, with the fake boobs, terrible movies, and the other fiascos, we're not feelin' it anymore...

2. Nicky Hilton. We're learning toward the "not" on the "Hot or Not" scale of things, but it does help that she has beautiful eyes and is not her sister in almost every imaginable way, which probably makes her more appealing than she would be otherwise.

1. Alanis Morrisette. How many times have you gone out with someone and kept it going because you thought the person was an awesome conversationalist and you didn't want to lose that? That's the likely predicament we'd find ourselves in if we ever ended up dating Alanis-- she's well-read, world weary, and able to hold her own over a couple of vodka cranberry's until the wee hours... which may be why we'd rather best friend her than anything else. (Con: She dated Ryan Reynolds. Ouch.)

(P.S. We didn't include Britney Spears on this list because there's no question that she is not currently appealing on any level.)

What do you think? Are we crazy for not wanting to get it on with all these very pretty women? And who did we miss?

Top photo (of Charlize Theron) via Esquire. By the way, in case you were wondering, Charlize Theron is unquestionably hot.

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Halle Berry Has Better Sex Than You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:57:00 GMT

Halle Berry is taking advantage of being recently named Esquire's Sexiest Woman in the World with a new interview that will blow most of your minds.

In it, the Oscar-winning actress discusses her sex life and how she's not only the hottest celebrity in the Western world but also its best lay...

Berry says, "You know that stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That's all true, and, in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damn good orgasms.
"(They're) much better orgasms than when I was 22, and I wouldn't let a man control that. Not anymore. Now, I'd invite them to participate.
"I've learned my tricks. I know what I like. I do not wait around. I initiate. And I'm not all about frequency; I favour intensity."
Calling into the Oprah show in America on Friday, Berry revealed she felt inspired to talk openly about her sex life after Esquire named her their sexiest woman.
She said, "I was astonished. I was like, 'I've just had a baby. Don't you guys know..? This isn't the year to pick me for this.' I thought, 'Well, you know, it might be a really good year to talk about some things and talk about what sexy really is.'"
And she joked, "When I mentioned the big 'O' I'm sure when people first read it (article), they thought I was about to talk about Oprah."
Berry admitted that if her romance with boyfriend Gabriel Aubry ever ended, she wouldn't be looking for a toyboy to satisfy her sexually. She confided, "Men in their 20s? Forget it."

We resent that last remark... although we'll keep our weekends open in case she's available to be proved wrong.

Via IMDB.

And Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Last year, Esquire used the above photo to tantalize readers about its upcoming Sexiest Woman pick. That woman turned out to be Charlize Theron, who doesn't repeat her win in 2008.

...thankfully not Lindsay Lohan. Or even Megan Fox. (Did you miss our announcement yesterday, thanks to Scanner Emily? Don't worry, we reveal it now, with glorious celebratory photos, below.)

Nope, this is a blast from the past, thank God. (Thank God, that is, we actually knew who this woman was before today's revelation...)

According to our friends at CNN.com, the winner had this to say for herself:

"I don't know exactly what it means, but being 42 and having just had a baby, I think I'll take it..."
"Sexiness is a state of mind -- a comfortable state of being," she says. "It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments."
"I share this title with every woman, because every woman is a nominee for it at any moment," she says.

Figured it out yet? Too late now, you've probably already peeked below...

No, that's not a young Alicia Keys... that's a wham-bam-thank-you-mam hot Halle Berry almost ruined by Esquire's product placement... but really, has there ever been a photo where Halle Berry didn't look 100% fantastic?

Photos via Just Jared. Story via CNN.

Related:

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While You Were Sleeping: Which Hollywood Celeb Loves Anal Sex?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

The leader of the dreaded Taliban in Pakistan is dead. Much to everyone's chagrin, his death is from kidney failure.

This new Dr. Drew sex show isn't going over well. Especially the stuff about Moms and their sons discussing each others' sex lives.

That nonsense about Russia being so close to Alaska? Turns out it's truer than we thought...

Owen Wilson's new addiction? Text messaging.

Sharon Stone is really starting to freak us out. Stop it!

And we were going to wait for the full Esquire feature, but it's taking forever to come out, so we'll just tell you what we know: Anne Hathaway has become the first Hollywood star to publicly praise anal sex:

“Every woman should try it, otherwise they miss out on something amazing.” She adds that anal penetration makes her feel “feminine in a very special way.”

The actress also spoke at length about the significance selecting a trustworthy partner for first time anal encounters.

Via Pop Crunch.

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Lindsay Price: "I'm Afraid To Pose Naked," Poses Naked Anyway

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:06:00 GMT

Lipstick Jungle, the redheaded stepchild* of Candace Bushnell (yeah, one of her other books), isn't back on the air until September. But NBC is already pushing hard for the Brooke Shields-led "comedy-drama" to become a breakout hit this fall...

...and they're backing it up with glorious, pointless nude photo shoots for its stars and supporting also-ran's. Chief among these is the Esquire photo shoot Lindsay Price did this month, for which she did an as-told-to story... about doing a nude photo shoot:

The week before the shoot, I worked out harder than I had in my entire life. I was anxious all week. The day of the shoot, I had fantasies of driving to Mexico to avoid doing it. I took the longest shower of my life, exfoliating, moisturizing, paying really close attention to where I shaved. I went to the set in my baggiest jeans and my most comfortable sweatshirt -- a really antisexy outfit.

The photographer and I worked out some poses while I was still wearing my robe. My heart started beating a mile a minute when he told me it was time to get started, because I knew I’d have to take off the robe. I just yanked it off and threw it to the side really quick. I’ve been skydiving, and this was so much scarier than jumping out of that plane.

Luckily for connoisseurs for the female form, Lindsay dropped any pretense of being scared and just bared it all. Covered up, of course-- this is Esquire, after all.

Lindsay wholeheartedly encourages others to strip away their inhibitions for the camera:

Since the shoot, I’ve started taking a good look at myself every time I get out of the shower. And I’m pleased. I definitely take a little longer getting dressed now.

Via Esquire.

Disclaimer*: This is not to disparage redheads. We have a special affinity for redheads. Please see sidebar photos for more.

Name That Girl: "Breasts like plucked guinea hens, undercooked and overstuffed."

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 18:28:00 GMT

"Blond hair the way God meant, blond like Clorox sunshine. A caviar body, if you like your caviar lacquered in barbecue sauce. Breasts like plucked guinea hens, undercooked and overstuffed. And those legs, like those of every coed in every early-80s corduroy skirt, waving across the quad at the guy just behind you. Cheerleader legs. Jackknifing legs that split the air like seesaws. In the Dukes of Hazzard music video, those legs are in cowboy boots, moving like joysticks across your screen. She's got that dumb-fox high-maintenance pout. She's got her own money: She can buy your house just to use the toilet. She's one of those Easy-Bake celebrities, up from Abilene, Texas, with a fizzy pop beat on church-choir training wheels. She's hot as fresh milk and has an okay voice, and the rest just happens around her. Luck on Red Bull."

She's been having a hard time lately, what with her little sister getting all the attention, but Esquire still loves Jessica Simpson, and so do we after reading their "Women We Love" cover story on her.

You should go read it. Especially because it was written by a woman.

[Esquire: The Case for Jessica Simpson]