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While You Were Sleeping: Sex Scandal Star Fights Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 16:34:00 GMT

Bob Dylan has the #1 record in England, making him the oldest musician to ever hold that spot. Although he has had many more top 5 records there than in the United States, it's his first chart-topper since 1970.

Angela Merkel... in her undies?

An eight-year-old girl was finally allowed to divorce her middle-aged husband.

Here's an in-depth look at Masters and Johnson, who may have faked those "gay conversion" studies, as we reported last week.

A look at life under "socialist" European government.

Donna Rice Hughes was half of the sex scandal that doomed Gary Hart's 1988 Presidential campaign. Now, she's back in the spotlight, fighting pornography.

Wanna see someone get waterboarded?

And the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction case drags on.

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Couple Busted For Having Sex At the Queen's Residence, Filming A Japanese Porno

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:28:00 GMT

We really had to check secondary sources to substantiate this one.

A couple of thirtysomethings were arrested for having sex outside Windsor Castle, while the freakin' Queen of England was kickin' it old school inside. You won't believe what they got away with during an amazing twenty-minute romp in the garden while untold numbers of tourists and pedestrians cheered them on...

Police say the unnamed pair had sex on a private sliver of grass while Japanese tourists filmed them on their Handycams or whatever. People on the street pointed camera phones and flash photographs were taken. The duo did the nasty without interruption for twenty minutes before the Royal Protection Squad finally figured out what was up. Great to know the Queen has a top surveillance system in place these days.

It doesn't even seem like they have been charged with a crime-- the couple were released after a sobering night in jail and "cautioned" not to give the Queen a thrill like that again. Most outrageous of all, observers say, is that the couple violated a "Keep Off the Grass" sign. We're not joking.

Some info sourced from the Telegraph.

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Med Student Dies From Legal Party Drug

Colleen Kane — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:56:00 GMT

Med student and aspiring surgeon Hester Stewart was found dead in Brighton, England on Sunday after a party following an awards ceremony with her cheerleading squad. She died from a drug the kids are taking which has not yet been made illegal.

Hester's body was near a vial of the colorless, odorless liquid GBL (gamma-butyrolactone), which mixes with stomach acids to form GHB, aka the date rape drug, and it's available on the Internet legally. This is thought to be the third GBL-related death in the past year.

The kicker is that the UK's Home Office announced it would make the substance illegal a full eight months ago, declaring it "can lead to dependence, unconsciousness and even death by intoxication."

A spokesman explained why GBL is still available. "We are currently looking at the legislative options for control, to target the problems of misuse of GBL, which has a number of legitimate uses."

Of course even if the drug were illegal, that doesn't mean that someone who either chose to take the date rape drug or was slipped the date rape drug wouldn't have done it anyway. As to who was the responsible party in the drug-giving or taking, one of Hester's fellow partygoers said she took the drug herself, though of course her mother denies she ever would have done such a thing. No one is being charged with slipping her a mickey.

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The PETA Empire Strikes Back

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:53:00 GMT

After a huge wave of justified negative press raked PETA over the coals last month, the activist organization has launched an all-out campaign blitch to redirect the attention to animal rights.

The People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, it was confirmed, is guilty of euthanizing 90% of the animals in its care every year. Ingrid Newkirk's group (of mostly white American women in their early 20s) struck back this week with Audrina Partridge, Mike Ness of Social Distortion, and a wave of nudity worldwide...

In Kansas City, Missouri, two girls dressed as cave people and wielded fake human bones to tell pedestrians and passing drivers that fur is for cave people. That annoying asshole from the Geico commercials had no comment. In a Maryland suburb, two bikini girls were photographed cavorted in a tub full of some sort of red vat, parked across from a McDonald's. In England on Sunday, four girls stripped naked and climbed into a skimpy blue makeshift shower to protest (their belief) that eating one pound of meat is as damaging to the environment as six months of showering.

Following that, the group announced punk rocker Mike Ness had joined the movement and Audrina Partridge posed for a magazine ad in far more clothing than she might wear to a memorial service.

Via KC Blog. [Please right-click and set to open in a new tab/window.]

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Sexy Garden Gnomes Offend Wankers

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:59:00 GMT

In West Midlands, UK, the Old Guard is trying desperately to prevent its open-minded seniors from corrupting the youth with their naked garden gnomes.

The full, horrific and incredibly graphic photos of these hideous beasts-- along with equally hilarious quotes from those who seek to save us from these insults to our mores-- after the jump...

For more than fifteen years, nude gnomes have stood in 64-year-old Sarah Smith's garden, unashamed of the imaginary bodies their imaginary God gave them. Then, of course, an unnamed woman moved in next door and was worried her young children might be filled with wild, underage lust for old bearded men if they saw the nude creatures. So she called the town council and had a police officer order Smith's little dudes covered up:

"I don't think they should be in a garden with my young kids running around nearby," she said.

"They are childish and I think it pathetic that they are in a front garden in full view of everyone."

Of course, there's nothing pathetic whatsoever with caring so much about a bunch of naked garden gnomes that you have to get the cops involved. Nothing at all.

Via the Telegraph.

Whatever You Do, Don't Pack Lingerie for a Trip to England

Colleen Kane — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 20:52:00 GMT

So, apparently in the UK it's fine to turn away someone at the airport if the Border Agency doesn't approve of the wardrobe they've brought. In the case of a 32-year-old Brazilian woman, she was recently refused admission to Newcastle from Geneva when her luggage contained only T-shirts, lingerie, and a robe.

And this is illegal because...?

For one thing, the woman wouldn't specify her plans in Newcastle, other than seeing the city center. For another, she had been refused admission to the UK three months prior, when she attempted to fly into Belfast with sex toys and a list of escort services.

A spokesperson for the Border Agency said, "Visitors to the UK must play by the rules. Those who do not are refused entry and sent home." Sounds like this woman is guilty of being sexy! But what rules did she not play by? BBC News did not specify.

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What Country Has The Most Women Wearing DD Bras?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:10:00 GMT

We're betting you were going to guess "the United States of America" right off the bat. Don't.

According to a variety of sources, the average bra in the US is a B Cup, more specifically a 34B. (In a widely circulated survey in 2005, Americans were found to be wearing more B cups than C cups, 44% to 28%, and more A cups than D cups, 15% to 10%.)

If you were going to say the United Kingdom has the most double D's, guess again...

The winner of our unofficial and unscientific survey is... Australia!

Up to 40 per cent of Australian women now buy bras with a cup size of DD or higher, new figures from lingerie suppliers show.

In the 1950s, the most common bra-cup size was a B - three sizes less than a DD.

Modern breasts are getting so large that some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K, The Sunday Telegraphreports.
...sales of DD-plus bras have grown from about 20 per cent of sales to 28 per cent in just five years.

The best line of the whole story explains that boobs are growing because of The Pill and artificial hormones... but, of course, because of obesity, as well. If that's the case, we have to wonder why the World's Fattest Country hasn't enlarged its average cup size.

Meanwhile, a local surgeon says his breast reduction schedule has doubled in recent years.

"There's no question that because the population is bigger their breasts are bigger as well, because it's all fatty tissue.

"As women get older the amount of fatty tissue increases, and also the proportion of fat increases."

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Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:05:00 GMT

They'd never get away with this in America: one British high school is making headlines after a teacher showed her sex ed class a parade of naked men and asked them which body parts they wanted to focus on...

The dudes were parading around the school gymnasium for a live camera feed set up by Channel Four's The Sex Education Show, which aims to teach young people healthy attitudes about lovemaking-- you know, not that abstinence garbage. The cameras zoomed in on the body parts in question, examining their remarkable differences and proving no two people are alike, according to this local news story.

Even more incredibly, this was sanctioned by the school and the parents. (In America, they would bring back lynching specifically to deal with these people.) The students thought it helped show boys that not everyone is supermodel thin and there is nothing wrong with the un-Photoshopped body. Hear, hear.

Check out what Assistant head teacher Jo Postlethwaite has to say about the program:

"I think what this has given us is a starting point to revamp sex education. The students really benefited from people from outside the school coming in to talk to them about sex. It can be hard for both students and teachers to go from a teacher being your maths teacher to being your sex education teacher. Maybe it needs to be someone completely different."

We really have nothing more to say about this except "bravo." Meanwhile, Italy is in an uproar over a teacher who discussed genital piercings, bondage, and all that jazz during an off-topic rant about masturbation. This was during a sex ed class being taught to eleven-year-olds, which is apparently not acceptable over there.

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Alfie's DNA Test Results are In

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 17:16:00 GMT

You remember this poor little bastard, Alfie Patten, the four-foot tall 13-year-old new dad. First came the news of the 13- and 15- year- old parents, then came allegations that the baby momma Chantelle had slept around with numerous other schoolboys. Alfie agreed to take a DNA test, once his mum explained to him what a DNA test was. We'd just been wondering ourselves what the results of the paternity test had been when this update hit the tabloids...

Alfie is not Maisie's dad.

Apparently Chantelle told her half-sister the father could have been any of a number of boys she'd slept with, but her mom ordered her to say she'd been a virgin when she slept with wee Alfie.

Alfie's dad Dennis helped start the press blitz when he gave an interview shortly after the baby was born, saying, “He hasn’t a clue what a baby means and can’t explain how he feels. When I spoke to him he started crying. He said it was the first time he’d had sex, he didn’t know what he was doing or the complications that could come. I’ll talk to him again and it’ll be the birds and bees talk.”

We need to find some less depressing stories today.

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Jarvis Cocker & Other Rockers' Skivvies Up for Auction

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 20:02:00 GMT

An eBay charity event is auctioning off 37 pairs of celebrity undies to benefit NNLISDropin, a charity to support poor asylum seekers.

(Nick Cave sure has some girly panties, huh? He is a slight man, but damn!)

So far, the knickers drawing the highest bids are...

Fergie, at £120

Jordan £120

Jarvis Cocker at £142

Marc Quinn £205

Steve Bell £200

R. Crumb's boxers with portrait start at £200, but have 0 bids.

The auctions can all be seen here on eBay.

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English High School The World's Most Sexually Dangerous

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 18:51:00 GMT

Headlands School in Bridlington, Yorkshire has the highest rate of teacher-student sexual encounters in, we're guessing, the first world.

On Friday, British police charged a staff member, which sounds wrong, with having sex with a teenage girl, bringing the grand total of arrests to...

FIVE.

Five teachers or staff members at Headlands High have been charged in less than three years. Here's a breakdown of how the endless scandals have all played out:

Three years ago, an art instructor by the name of Ian Blott (man, these stories can't be real, can they?) received a blot on his record and four years in prison for forcing himself on a teenage girl. The girl claimed that she was traumatized from the encounter and left with bulimia and other medical problems.

In 2007, Steven Edwards, until then a science teacher, was convicted of having sex with three students (their genders not identified here) and is now serving a five-year sentence. The abuse/relationships occurred over the course of four years, but only came to light after Blott's trial.

Even after two such cases in as many years, school officials did nothing to or were unable to stop the tidal wave: two more teachers were arrested last year. Terry Mann, a teacher, had sex with a student from another school and somehow managed to escape with a suspended sentence, possibly because he plead guilty and admitted everything immediately. One of his colleagues, a teacher's assistant, also received a slap on the wrist for carrying on a long-term relationship with a boy at school.

Again, the school did nothing to successfully control its staff.

The fifth case came to light last week, when Chris Reen, who works as a substitute or fill-in at the school (what, the janitors are getting in on this, too?), was arrested for seven sexual encounters with a girl throughout the end of 2008. Parents were understandably outraged, since the school is apparently on probation for failing to properly protect and educate its charges. This is about as solid a case for homeschooling as any...

By the way, according to this story, Reen is "a newlywed." Wow, way to bring shame to your family, dude.

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Riches are Wasted on the Rich

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:11:00 GMT

Dorothy Parker once said, "I hate almost all rich people, but I think I would be darling at it." As with many DP quotes, I have to give an AMEN! If I were rich, I would do things like wear really cute outfits, get my hair cut more than once or twice a year, and like, help animals and stuff.

Not so for this 18-year-old priveliged son, who is the artist of the phallic rooftop graffiti seen above.

Apparently the 60-foot painting has been there for a year, and his parents only just found out. They say their son will have to wash it off when he gets back from travelling. Oh really? Whenever he gets around to returning to the million-pound Berkshire mansion he defaced? How about cutting off his credit cards? That would get him back sooner.

Oddly enough, this post comes a year to the day from when Scanner Emily posted about a very similar prank in Arizona.

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eBay Removes Kerry Katona's Breast Implant

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:04:00 GMT

Kerry Katona did two things right: one, she went on MTV in the UK and had her 34-double-G's removed. Those fake boobs were ridiculous and very unattractive (to our minds.)

The second thing she did was even more inspired-- she autographed one of those implants and put it on eBay for The Breast Cancer Campaign...

According to Fox News, which we will quote from here so you don't have to give them any of your page views, eBay then did the dumbest thing imaginable: it pulled the auction.

"The implant was on eBay and I believe the idea was to raise money for Breast Cancer Campaign," a rep for the charity told Tarts. "However eBay have now taken the item off because people were putting fake bids in, £8 million ($11.34 million US) at one point."

But according to eBay it wasn’t bogus bidders that resulted in the item being removed, it was actually Katona who broke the rules.

"Our policy team weighed in and said that this auction was removed for the Charity Violation contained within the item description as there was no letter of written consent by eBay's Office of the President to allow the item to be sold under our Charity guidelines," an eBay rep told Tarts.

Oh, shut up, eBay. You're just a bunch of conservative whimps that always side with the ripoff artists when they claim to have never received expensive items from honest sellers. And your conservative founder is running to further ruin the state of California as a Republican governor. eBay, you should know, we have negative feedback to give you.

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Barded Man of the Week: Shakespeare

Colleen Kane — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:37:00 GMT

A portrait recently came to light that experts say is the only portrait of Shakespeare painted during his lifetime, and so the only accurate depiction of how he really looked. As a friend who passed this story along observed, "Shakespeare was a babe!" I don't know if I'd go that far, but he does look markedly better in the newly discovered portrait than in many previous depictions, like the above...

The painting has belonged to the Cobbes family for several centuries, but they never realized who the subject of the portrait was until one family member saw a reproduction of his family's painting at a Shakespeare exhibit at a gallery. Now, one expert says they are 90 percent sure the subject of this portrait is Shakespeare, and x-rays and infrared anaylsis confirm the painting was made in 1610, when the Bard was 47. Also, the Cobbes family is distantly related to Shakespeare's only known patron, so it's totally him.

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Captain Obvious Says Sex Can Save Your Marriage

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:26:00 GMT

We were rather disturbed by how many of you claimed to be in a sexless marriage after Scanner Emily's post yesterday.

Moreover, we were worried you all are going to end up miserable and/or divorced, if this survey conducted by a U.K. wedding site is to be believed...

3,000 Britons were queried about surviving a marriage, and those who have lasted ten or more years responded with these tips:

Having sex three times a week;

Kissing four times a day;

Cuddling thrice on a daily basis;

Sharing two hobbies, and;

Holding two romantic dinners a month.

Having sex three times a week doesn't seem totally unreasonable and neither does kissing four times a day. But how many chances are you really going to have to cuddle? (When you first wake up, on the couch after dinner, and before bed can work, in our view.) But Jesus, isn't it hard to find someone to fall in love with who is interesting enough to have two hobbies you also enjoy, has time for two romantic dinners per month after many years together, will remember to kiss you four times a day, and can arrange for three separate cuddles in a 24-hour span... not tomention sex every other night?

Not saying we're against it or that it's impossible, but now we're beginning to understand why so many marriages end in divorce.

CBC via Confetti.

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Schoolgirl's Double Life as High-Payin' Ho Betrayed By Bag of Condoms

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:39:00 GMT

A 15-year-old British girl was tried today for prostitution, after a teacher discovered her double life by looking in her backpack. In the girl's school bag were condoms, lube, the number of her pimp and the escort agency she worked through.

When police raided her home, they found more than $11,000 stashed away. The girl has not been charged, but the found money has been siezed.

But before she was caught, the young hooker had quite a racket going on for about two months.

She kept up with her studies, said the Daily Mail, and earned around $2500 each weekend, which if kept up, would have worked out to nearly $150K per year. (What was that sound, you ask? Never mind, just shooting self for choosing such an unprofitable profession.)

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New Female Railway Uniforms Are A Tid Bit Nipply

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 21:12:00 GMT

The Sun took a peek at the controversial new female uniform for National Express's East Coast line in England, where people still ride trains because they're cool. What they found will shock you... especially if the uniform turns out to look anything like this...

The Daily Mail has a more believable story, one that doesn't, um, describe the uniform as well as the above photo, but comes mighty close to giving credence to the unreliable Sun:

Women railway workers are refusing to wear new uniforms because they are too see-through, it was revealed today.
Female staff on National Express's East Coast line between London and Edinburgh said the new blouses were too thin and 'left little to the imagination' of passengers.
The Transport Salaried Staffs Association said its members had sent the blouses back to the company and demanded new ones which were not see-through.

With the way the world is turning, it's possible we'll see nude Hooters servers and shirtless Chippendale's parking valets any day now...

Via the Daily Mail.

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Meet the Orgasm Coach

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 17:53:00 GMT

A friend of ours does "career coaching" work, a career choice that itself may be in danger due to all the cost-cutting in this economy.

If the old cliche is true that "sex sells," perhaps he could give his freelance gig a shot in the arm if he adds "orgasm coach" to his business card. After the jump: the woman in England who has that country screaming with pleasure...

Here are some highlights from the extensive website of Dr. Lisa Turner, Ph.D, orgasm coach, who asks

"Are you one of the 28% of women who rarely or never achieve orgasm? Don’t worry help is at hand (so to speak)."

She divulges an extensive background in sex therapy...

"Previously, I worked as a senior lecturer in Automotive Engineering..."

Turner wants you to live orgasmically:

Raise your energy and begin to harness your sexual energy. Build on the inner connection of your Self and merge it with your Soul, bring the soul and spirit into the body in a divine union.

Become a model of excellence and a charismatic leader who changes the world, people and how they think. Become a power to be reckoned with and unstoppable.

In other words, if you work with her, you can have mindblowing orgasms, like Adolf Hitler did! Okay, we're getting silly now... let's look at how her one-on-one coaching can improve that soul-crushing 28% figure:

Release past Trauma, painful emotions and limiting beliefs. Clear your energy channels ready for your orgasmic energy. Learn to raise and harness sexual orgasmic energy. We are constanly [sic] adding new home study products, e-courses, mp3 downloads and teleseminars so keep checking for updates...

So far, we haven't learned much about what the coaching might be like ("try harder, damn it!") but maybe we need to stop by the "For Men" section of the website for a clue. After all, it would help if men knew how to give orgasms, too:

Help your partner to achieve orgasm / Become a better lover / Overcome impotence or premature ejaculation / Increase the intensity and length of your orgasms / Become a multi-orgasmic man / Improve and revitalise your sex life

That "Multi-Orgasmic Man" sound kind of like a porno spoof of Iron Man or something... so perhaps we should look into this...

Via the Orgasm Coach.

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Penis, Penis, Peanuts

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:09:00 GMT

With some British accents, we often think we hear the word "penis" on a constant basis.

Basically, whenever a British broadcaster says "peon," "peanuts," or "tasty ballpark weiners," we could swear they said "penis." It turns out, we're right-- at least in this case. Watch a CNN reporter make our morning by saying the word twice in 27-seconds... and say it for real.

Yes, yes, we're immature little children, we know.

Man Commits Suicide by Stabbing Himself in the What?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

This may be the craziest way to die we've ever heard.

Experts say it's very shocking when someone, as in the case of singer Elliot Smith, commits suicide by knife because of how painful and prolonged the plunge can be. (We promise the story we're about to tell is much more subdued than that graphic sentence.) That kind of self-inflicted stabbing has nothing on what one Chinese man did to himself...

A very confusing report out of China indicates a man was admitted to the hospital due to some sort of poisoning fear. There may also have been some external bleeding. X-rays soon revealed that the man had a knife inside his body and that the knife had entered through his... yeah, we won't finish that sentence lest you vomit. According to the man's nephew, the victim shoved the knife up his anus in an attempt to kill himself, likely over an outstanding debt from a recent surgery and a generally rough life.

The report seems to say he survived and made a full recovery, then goes on to talk about how he's deceased. We can only speculate that the one odd paragraph (about his survival) is incorrect or was supposed to be updated, while the rest of the story is accurate. Or maybe some bored Chinese newspaper made all this up and we're falling for it.

Either way, we've finally found the story that trumps the anal absurdity of the woman about the vicar admitted to an English hospital with a potato up his butt.

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The UK Babies Having Babies Plot Thickens

Colleen Kane — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 16:36:00 GMT

The story of 13-year-old baby daddy Alfie, 15-year-old mum Chantelle and their newborn Maisie had some new developments over the weekend. Two other teenage boys came forward as potential fathers to Maisie and called her reputation into question. And have you seen Alfie's estranged dad?

Does no one involved in this affair have any judgment?

Alfie and Chantelle both deny that Chantelle had ever been with anyone but Alfie, and the little guy has agreed to do a paternity test, although he had never heard of such a thing before this mess began.

So depressed now.

Full story at The Sun.

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UK Babies Have Baby

Colleen Kane — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 19:09:00 GMT

It's all over the news today that two British kids, 13-year-old Alfie Pattman and 15-year-old Chantelle Steadman, have made a kid of their own, Maisie Roxanne.

Wee Alfie is only four feet tall, his voice hasn't even changed yet, and he doesn't know what the word "financially" means. It gets more depressing-- won't you join us after the jump?

Chantelle hid her pregnancy from her mom until she noticed the protruding tummy, reports the Sun. Mum Penny couldn't have been too surprised, though, as she allowed the two to sleep together in Chantelle's bedroom. Alfie even kept a school uniform at his lady friend's place, so he could go right to school from there. Penny and husband Steve are on the dole, by the way, aka welfare.

This situation calls for a pressing of this button.

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Naked Man Takes Over the Tate

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:47:00 GMT

Have you ever noticed that museums host an assortment of paintings and photos of nude women, but hardly any of men?

These noble internet troublemakers noticed...

An image of a naked delivery driver from Newcastle has been projected onto the side of Tate Britain in a bid to break the taboo of showing the male form.

But the stunt is not the product of the art establishment, 25-year-old Neill Richardson was dared to show off his body on a bragging website.

He sent in the picture - displaying his tattoos and behind - and it was (somehow) picked as the 'best' and projected 50ft tall onto the side of the famous art gallery. [Newslite]

While their intentions may not have been as heroic as some might suggest (they weren't out to "break the taboo" any more than they wanted to top a similar prank from 1999 that projected a naked Gail Porter onto the backside of Parliament), at least now people in the art world are discussing that controversial subject: the nude male form and the unspoken conservative suppression of it.

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Girl Claims to Have Slept With 200+ Strangers, Thanks to Craig's List

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:05:00 GMT

We say: "Is that all?" Just kidding-- we don't sleep with strangers, as a rule, so this specie is baffling to us.

“I can’t explain the buzz I get from meeting someone for the first time and knowing that in a couple of hours we’ll be ripping each other’s clothes off. It’s addictive."

Yes, it's called sex addiction. You have it, Bill Clinton has it, pretty much everyone we know has it. That doesn't mean you're an awful person, however.

“A lot of women may call me a slag, but I’m not. The sex is on my terms — I call the shots.”

Well, it's refreshing to hear that you're in control, but calling the shots has nothing to do with why they're calling you "a slag."

The 25-year-old bar manager is hooked on net sex and has slept with 200 online date mates.
On average, she beds a different man every FIVE DAYS. She’s even had sex with THREE of them in ONE DAY.

Calm down, News of the World-- you Puritan pigs. We've never seen you run a story about a guy having sex with 200 women and calling him a sleazebag-- and if you did, we'd call you on your moral grandstanding for that, too...

“My friends will meet guys in clubs and take them home,” she argues. “That’s more risky than what I do because I can check mine out before we meet.
“I’ll always insist on safe sex and carry condoms. If the guy complains, I won’t meet him.”

Ah, finally, some sanity.

“I hear pals moan about their partners and thank my lucky stars I don’t have to put up with snoring, pants lying around or getting dinner ready.
“When I have a date, I put on sexy undies, drink wine with a gorgeous guy who takes me home and ravishes me.
“I’ll settle down one day but it’s too much fun at the moment.”

Read more about 25-year-old bar manager "Louise's" sexploits on News of the World.

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Dare to Dream, Girls: High School Offers Pole Dance Demo

Colleen Kane — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 18:35:00 GMT

A high school in Paignton, England offered a lesson in pole dancing during a recent lunch break as part of Be Healthy Week. The demo was given by 32-year-old instructor Sam Remmer from the pole-dancing company The Art of Dance, in a public area of the school.

Students in the crowd made videos with their cell phones, and presumably something like the teen craze "sexting" ensued. As did staff complaints. The second demo was moved inside to the gym.

Remmer gave these lessons for free on the condition she could post her own videos online, and that's where this situation gets even more problematic. The school asked her to take down her videos, and she took down the videos that showed students, but not others in the gym, and defends herself thusly:

"Mrs Remmer said unless people are educated in the differences between modern fitness pole dancing and lap dancing then negative stereotypes will not go away," reports the Sun. "She said pole dancing is appropriate for young teenagers at school as it is a mix of dance moves and gymnastics and is excellent for fitness."

And, for some, it teaches a profitable, if short-term, career skill!

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The New York Times Said "Butt Hole"

Colleen Kane — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:50:00 GMT

The New York Times ran a story dedicated to suggestive-sounding place names in the U.K. and the people challenged with living in places like Crapstone and Penistone.

And because the Internet is making us less literate, you won't have to read the whole story (unless you'd like to know how residents deal with telling people where they live); this blogger struggled through the article to bring you some of the best names.

Crotch Crescent

Titty Ho

Wetwang

Slutshole Lane

As for Butt Hole Road, depicted above, “If they ordered a pizza, the pizza company wouldn’t deliver it, because they thought it was a made-up name,” said Ed Hurst, co-author of Rude Britain and Rude UK, about a couple who lived there. “People would stand in front of the sign, pull down their trousers and take pictures of each other’s naked buttocks.” The couple has since moved away.

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Image: New York Times

Princess Eugenie, An Amateur Stripper, Is Our Favorite Female Royal

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:35:00 GMT

Last June, we reported on Her Royal Highness Princess Eugenie of York's nude rampage. The daughter of Sarah Ferguson from Weight Watchers and some British dude has been trying to publicly top herself ever since-- because you know the Queen likes nothing better than to hear about her heirs getting all liquored up and running wild in the streets...

Her Royal Rockness spent Thursday night partying past dawn at a London gentleman's club-- the London's Sophisticats** Gentleman's Club, that is.

The princess giggled as she watched a brunette dancer perform a raunchy routine for one of her male friends, before standing up and dancing next to her table with a pal.
Eugenie then asked if she could get on stage and strut her stuff on the pole.
A source told Britain's The Daily Mail newspaper: "Because of health and safety regulations she was told she would not be allowed unless she was employed by the club and had undergone training on the pole, like all their dancers. It was all done very tongue-in-cheek and Eugenie took it in good spirits."

Eugenie, 18, is so wealthy, she's not only able to start her weekends one night early, but she can afford a £20 lapdance. (£20 converts to about "three times the average American's checking account.)

The royal was accompanied by her Police Protection Officer, who sat at a neighbouring table watching the teenager. [Royal Watch]

We have a sinking suspicion he may have been enjoying his job for the first time...

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Getting in Shape for the New Year? Bench Press a Dwarf

Colleen Kane — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 16:18:00 GMT

I will laugh at many an immature gag, but have never found midget- or dwarf- based humor funny. The whole, "ha ha, they're small, you can make them dress like elves and throw them" never did it for me. With that out of the way, I bring you a nutty tale from across the pond involving little and not-so-little people.

London gym Gymbox at Bank allows patrons to bench-press human weights, ranging from large to, well, little people. Mind you, it's not a gimmick; this method allows the person lifting to visualize the weight. Riiiight. And I'm sure Gymbox' "chav fighting" and "WAG Workouts" (real programs at this gym) aren't gimmicks either.

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Image

Londoners Knew How to Drink Us Under the Table

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 20:39:00 GMT

Did you know that in the 1920s, long before Paris Hilton (can you believe there was a time B.S.T.-- Before Sex Tapes--?), London was a hotbed of sexual mania? And you thought Hemingway was having all the fun in Paris and the speakeasies had the best parties in New York.

According to a new book and the following awesome vintage photographs, Austin Powers was too late by about forty years...

According to the WSJ, the above photo is from a "Second Childhood" themed party-- which wouldn't be so creepy if it didn't wind up being a massive orgy:

And for those who think that freewheeling sex and drugs didn't come into vogue until the advent of rock 'n' roll, these bright young people might have said, "Well, my dear, the orgies," before tucking into the heroin and cocaine that were as much in evidence in these circles as face powder. But although this seamy side of the era occasionally protruded into the public view in law courts and coroner's inquests, for the most part what the public heard about was pranks, larks and elaborate scavenger hunts -- outrageous fun, just enough to shock but not to appall the great British public.

The Boston Globe adds in their review of the book, entitled "Bright Young Things: The Lost Generation of London's Jazz Age":

He discusses the group's connections, style, self-image, wherewithal, employment, appetites, proclivities, and most notorious capers and parties. But, in the end, he shows that the element that really made them an entity, that defined and even created them, was the press. Various newspapers took them up in gossip columns (some written by Bright Young Persons themselves) and made of their exploits a continuing saga with familiar, recurring figures chiefly for the consumption of middle- and lower-middle-class readers. A life of a Bright Young Person became, in print, a "faintly sinister frieze, in which quiddity [was] reduced to idiosyncrasy."

Sound familiar? Wonder if your average gossip writer read the above story in yesterday's paper and had a change of heart.

The same Globe article mentions there's also a book out called "The Hell-Fire Clubs: Sex, Satanism and Secret Societies." Sadly, according to the review, it doesn't live up to its title.

The Bright Young People were also -- many of them -- part of a gay subculture that had started at Eton and continued at Oxford. So these pages are filled with charming cross-dressers and men who make up their faces and dither about it: One of them, who became Lord Faringdon in his later years, was described by an irate heterosexual as "a pansy pacifist of whose private tendencies it might be slander to speak." Faringdon once addressed the House of Lords as "my dears," instead of "my lords." This founding of a gay lifestyle seems as political in its way as the controversy over California's Proposition 8 is now. We don't want to do it your way, the Bright Young People seemed to be saying. Look what your way got us into. We want to do things our way and slip into our chiffon. [Washington Post]

Top image via the Boston Globe. Second image via the Wall Street Journal.

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If You're Going to Give A BJ In Public...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:33:00 GMT

...you might not want to do it front of cameras and startled onlookers...

...as English lass Emma Modrate has learned the hard way. (Side note: although the original article in the Sun doesn't mention it, it was most likely a blow job. Ah, the Sun... topless women running rampant in its pages for no reason, but God forbid they use the words "oral sex" in order to clarify what the hell they're rambling on about.)

The most amusing thing about this story is that a) Modrate has made thirty-three court appearances in just ten years and b) the judge's actual words to her?

“It seems the probation service have more faith in you than I have. I have reviewed your case over the last year and it seems you have been going backwards. However, I am going to give you one more chance."

Apparently, Emma's boyfriend gave her two chances... to finish up the blow job that is. Closed-circuit footage of the incident indicates that Liam Dougherty, whom the Sun barely even mentions (you know, because the guy shouldn't get in trouble at all for this), kept coming back for more. It must not have been all that wonderful, since the dude decided to converse with a passing hobo, who we're sure reflected philosophically, Kevin Smith-style, on the state of blow jobs in this confused and diversified world of ours...

Oh, and here's the Sun's photo of this woman... we don't condone laughing at someone's appearance... so let's all laugh at the fact that she's a smoker!