Scanner : emily farris

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Colleen Kane — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:03:00 GMT

Last night, all of us Scanner types at SXSW finally met up in person. This photo is about how it went. Emily was calling that dangling bit her phone's penis. I thought she looked rather like a blow-up doll in this shot, so that's going to be her Halloween costume this year.

This is Emily stepping up to the guy from the New York Times. In the background is Fairbanks acting scandalized.

But then everybody made up.

We ended the evening at a karaoke night, where Emily danced with her new boyfriend here, who was then dumped a moment later when we pursuaded her to leave.

Related:

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

My Deflowered Memoir Is Not So Flower-y

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:11:00 GMT

I lost my virginity to my manager at Just For Feet ("The world's largest athletic shoe store!") two weeks before my 18th birthday in his apartment behind the bowling alley behind the mall. He was 23 and had just broken up with his fiance. It was less than spectacular.

That is the abridged version of my deflowering. If I were to tell you the longer vesion I might include the part where I left thinking "wasn't that supposed to hurt?"

If I were to write the longer version, I might also submit it to Deflowered Memoirs, a new website (and hopefully book) that shares women's stories of their first times.

Because I was sick with nerves, I wanted to treat him like a sex deliveryman who had come to quickly perform a service…to rid me of this stupid embarrassing leftover of babyhood. Then, he could be off to his next sad and pathetically old virgin client. Unfortunately, he wanted to eat before we got started. So, we went to the local Tasty Freeze, just like "Jack and Diane" of John Mellencamp's teen love anthem, which retrospectively seems ironically appropriate. Energized by burgers and fries, we headed back to my apartment, where I nervously attempted small talk. Thankfully, Mike grew impatient quickly. He clumsily lifted me mid-sentence, pushed me hard against the nearest wall, and shoved his tongue down my throat. "It's beginning" I thought with relief as he carried me to my room, threw me on the bed, disrobed me and deflowered me. There was no pain, no blood. I even had an orgasm thanks to his "cunning linguistics." About five minutes in to the experience I thought, “this is so not a big deal. What the fuck was I worried about?” Nevertheless, when it was over, I prayed for him to leave. I didn't want to be bothered with a post-coital intimacy that didn't exist. Thankfully, he did; and I quickly called Jackie to tell her all about the experience. Then, I made a list of other boys I wanted to "hang out" with now that the virginity monkey was off my back. But, before moving on to that list, I decided to travel north to Indianapolis to perfect my skills with Mike the following weekend…and the weekend after that, and the one after that…and then all hell broke loose...and I realized that perhaps sex wasn't as perfectly simple as I wanted it to be.

That's an excerpt from creator Abby Kincaid's memoir. But it sure does sound a lot like ours.

[Deflowered Memoirs]

Related:

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Virginity Auction: Now How Much Would You Pay?

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

Takin' Care of Business

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:31:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder from the Scanner Business Office that:

1. you can reach us quicker on your phoneputer at our direct URL, dailyscanner.com.

2. Scanner Emily is now Twittering, as is Scanner Colleen.

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:37:00 GMT

We've heard Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" played all over the place for the last six months or so, always thinking we were listening to TV on the Radio. We should know better, considering Kyp Malone of TVOTR used to be our upstairs neighbor. But, apparently living close to coolness does not make one cool.

After discovering that the man singing was Justin Vernon we set out to learn one thing: does he have a beard? You fucking bet he does.

Watch these videos and tell us you're not in love with him, too:

We totally want him to put a baby in us. But just one.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Want to See What We Twat?

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:19:00 GMT

Just a friendly reminder that Scanner Emily and Scanner Colleen are now on Twitter. We're new to all this and we ~~need~~ want you to follow us so we feel good about ourselves.

Also, we thought we'd let you know that one can Twitter and blog under the comfort of a Snuggie.

Related:

Is the Past Tense of Tweet Twat?

Scanner Roundtable: If We Tweet, Will You Follow?

Today in WTF? The WTF Blanket Will Give You Super Herpes (Video)

Stars, They're Just Like Us: Ashton Hates His "F@#king Jackass Neighbor", Too!

3 Things We Wish We'd Gotten For Christmas, Or: Scanner Verena Is A Sucker For Infomercials

[Image]

We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did.

We understand there are spiritual issues behind the length of this beard and by all means if you think God wants you to grow a beard, who are we to argue? But we just can't, er don't want to, imagine getting our feet all tangled up in this thing during sex:

via videosift.com

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:43:00 GMT

It's pretty obvious to everyone by this point that the LOST producers and writers have no idea what they're talking about. So we're not surprised that two of the producers last night called Dr. Jack Shephard's beard "gross." While we saw the beard in Season 4, it made a re-appearance in Season 5. And since stupid Ben Linus made Jack shave it off last night, we will honor the great beard that was, after the jump.

Yummy! Damn you, Benjamin Linus!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Our Bearded Man of Last Week Has Some Issues

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

So, we're starting to think we should just find a homeless dude to be our boyfriend. Because we're definitely not turned off by this picture of Joaquin Phoenix. In fact—well, never mind...

Anyway, that's not why we're posting it. The poor guy fell at a concert last week and after watching the video (after the jump) we want to just scoop him up and hug him. And maybe, just maybe, throw him in a shower to sober him up. But we're keeping the beard!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

[via LadyThrills]

Blog for Choice Today

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 17:53:00 GMT

Today is the 36th Anniversary of Roe v. Wade and NARAL's National Blog for Choice Day. If you'll recall, last year on this day we blogged about our own experience with choice and this year, NARAL is asking participants to blog about their top pro-choice hope for President Obama and/or the new Congress.

See what Scanner Brian and Scanner Emily had to say after the jump and learn how to sign up.

Scanner Brian: "For the first time in Gonzales versus Carhart," Obama said, "the Supreme Court held—upheld a federal ban on abortions with criminal penalties for doctors. For the first time, the Court's endorsed an abortion restriction without an exception for women's health. The decision presumed that the health of women is best protected by the Court—not by doctors and not by the woman herself. That presumption is wrong."

My hope is that Obama rescinds these restrictions. There is no way you can justify saying that abortion is bad AND a mother should still have the baby even if her life is in danger.

Scanner Emily: I hope that today Obama reverses the "Global Gag Rule," that tomorrow he talks about it using the term "anti-choice" and that going forward he encourages Congress to lift restrictions on female reproductive care for women who have Federally-provided health care. And that's just the beginning. When I lived in New York, my "girl parts" were insured by the state. My girl parts should be insured by every state. Unfortunately, I now live in a state that, like my father, would rather just ignore the fact that I have a vagina.

Add your blog to the Blog for Choice Blogroll.

Related:

Roe v. Wade 35 Years Later

My Obama, My Choice

Abortion Issue Heats Up... For The GOP

Send Flowers to Your Abortion Doctor

Is the Past Tense of Tweet Twat?

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:10:00 GMT

Cause I did it.

Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

Yesterday, two birds took down a Kansas City man's ice cream. Today, an entire plane full of people, right into the Hudson River. [BBC]

A 19-year-old Wisconsin woman is facing charges after she got drunk and ran pantsless through an IHOP. Good thing there were never cops around all the times we ran half naked through fast food chains. [The Smoking Gun]

A man in Atlantic City is facing charges after he posed as a female veterinarian and doing all the things veterinarians do, except, we hope, fixing cats and dogs and other furries. [Press of Atlantic City]

And dumbass Johnny Knoxville is facing charges for allegedly taking a grenade into LAX. WTF, Johnny? [Yahoo!]

How excited are we for the "Gossip Girl" spin-off that will tell the story of Lily and Rufus? Very. Very excited. Srsly. XOXO. [Us]

Rappers Kelis and Nas are reportedly expexcting their first child. [MTV]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:57:00 GMT

Last month, a slew of New York City bartenders decided to grow out their beards, just for the hell of it. Well, that and to make us rethink our rule against dating bartenders. And our decision to leave to leave New York.

Glorious hairy pictures after the jump...

[Time Out New York: Bear market indeed: Unshaven bartenders face off]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Sarah Palin hates me. So much so that she recently slammed me (and a few of my friends and colleagues if I'm being honest here) in Esquire.

"Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me….I'll tell you, yesterday the Anchorage Daily News, they called again to ask — double-, triple-, quadruple-check — who is Trig's real mom,” she said, in an interview to be published in the magazine’s March issue.

Perhaps she thinks "Emily Farris" is a pseudonym, or maybe she was alluding to the whole "Scanner Emily" thing, because the bored, pathetic, lying part is right on.

Let's take a little trip down memory lane to September 5, 2008:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Or perhaps our September 2 story was more your style:

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

What about October 4?

Sarah Palin Was not the First Chick to Fire an Automatic Weapon in a Bikini

Hey, at least there was some truth in our coverage of the election on October 7:

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

[CNN Politicker: Palin slams 'bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie']

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

Of course I did. Of course I did. Of course I did. While you check out the list (after the jump) to find out where your city ranks, I'm going to head over to Petfinder.com to see about getting a few more cats.

Worst Cities for Dating

   1. Kansas City, MO
   2. Wichita, KS
   3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
   4. Detroit, MI
   5. Louisville, KY
   6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
   7. Atlanta, GA
   8. Pittsburgh, PA
   9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC

Best Cities for Dating

   1. Austin, TX
   2. Colorado Springs, CO
   3. San Diego, CA
   4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
   5. Seattle, WA
   6. Charleston, SC
   7. Norfolk, VA
   8. Ann Arbor, MI
   9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI

A glimmer of hope: It should be noted, and noted yet again, that this study was conducted in conjunction with AXE Body Spray (from the Methodology: "AXE, known coast-to-coast for their dating game expertise...").

Again, if you know any nice bearded men, please send them to Scanner Emily c/o Kansas City, MO.

[Via Plog]

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Hey Dudes, Please Think Twice Before Busting Out the Axe Body Spray and Thong

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

[Image]

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more.

Read more...

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:37:00 GMT

We've always like Joaquin Phoenix just fine. We loved him in "Walk the Line" and even, shamefully, in "The Village." But we've never wanted to, you know, shove him into the nearest bathroom stall and rip his clothes of. Well, not until now, anyway. Joaquin grew a beard!

We pulled this image from Dlisted. They didn't like his beard as much over there, just look at what the image was named: http://www.dlisted.com/node/29980/images/joaquinishideous2.jpg

That's fine D, we'll take him at Scanner.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Sloppy Seconds: So There IS Hope in Dope

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Josh Brolin may have killed Sean Penn on the big screen (spoiler my ass; pick up a history book Wikipedia) but they are totes in love in the real world. [Vulture]

Eight-year-old Emily knew that Scanner Emily would become a crazy cat lady, but how did six-year-old Emily know Scanner Emily would take six years to finish college? [eefers]

Six-year-old Emily was not aware that Scanner Emily would grow up and develop a very serious condition called Status Update Disorder. [The Atlantic]

You must be a real fucking stud to survive testicular cancer, then win the Tour de France seven times, and after all that cutting and jiggling and jaggling, knock some chick up. [People]

In addition to hosting his TV shows, writing cookbooks and tending to his restaurants, Bobby Flay will have a SIRIUS XM radio show as of tomorrow. If he'd like a sidekick, we're more than happy to move back to New York. [Yahoo!]

Brad Pitt totally inhaled funny cigarettes in the 90's, proving to parents everywhere that there is hope in dope. (Repeat it with me, kids: There is hope in dope!) [Radar]

Pepper Spray and Tasers, Josh Brolin Arrest Video

Sloppy Seconds: Pornos Will Save Us All

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You Know What is Too Big

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

Over the past few weeks, I've developed somewhat of an Intercestuous relationship with Rachel Kramer Bussel.

In mid-December, I happened upon Rachel's Facebook page after a mutual friend had RSVP'd for the Cupcakes Take the Cake (Rachel's cupcake blog) anniversary party. As you know, I get a little too excited by food, especially cupcakes. I knew I'd heard her name elsewhere and after poking around her profile I realized that she's also an editor at Penthouse, has edited and contributed to a bazillion erotica anthologies and that she should be my new BFF (though I took no action to make this happen).

Days later, in a fascinating turn of small-world events, I was assigned a piece by SXSW World, the official magazine of South by Southwest. The editor said I was to profile none other than one Miss Rachel Kramer Bussel, who will host a food panel at SXSW Interactive. By the time we met for our interview the following week, she had already purchased my book, and made a recipe from it. She showed up with a copy of her most recent book, Best Sex Writing 2009 (for which I'm currently working up my Amazon review), and a cupcake. Insta-girl crush. (Men, for future reference: shower women with literature and cupcakes.)

Since our meeting, I've interviewed Rachel for an article that should appear on the Nerve homepage any day now, and she added me to the April lineup for her erotic reading series, In the Flesh (it's virgin night!).

Anyway, all of this is a really long explanation to say that she has a great column this week over at The Frisky where she explores the dealbreaker that is The Too Big Penis. Also, in writing this post I hope to coin the term "Intercest."

Okay, time to get to work on that article...

Related:

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Meat and Mashed Potato Cupcakes**

Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Image by Hilary McHone

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:18:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Read more...

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Read more...

Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

It seems like just last year that we were doing this...

Highs:

Hey, apparently, we're going to get laid more this year. We hope. Please.

We discussed the pros and cons of oral sex, without you.

We took a few days off.

We learned that Scanner Brian has better hair than he used to.

Then he showed us some funny pictures.

And reminded us how creepy we can all be sometimes.

Speaking of funny pictures, we made a carrot feel a lot better about himself.

We contemplated time travel.

We were rated NC-17.

Lows:

We learned just what kind of crazy, obsessive society we live in.

We worried some famous people would die.

We didn't get everything we wanted for Christmas.

We looked back at the lessons learned last year.

We found yet another reason to be glad we left New York when we did.

Teachers continue to believe children are the future, show them all the beauty they posses inside.

We were disappointed by the updated "Joy of Sex."

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:01:00 GMT

Sorry we're a little (okay, a lot) late on the Bearded Man this week. Believe it or not, we had a hard time coming up with one (send bearded men to scanner@nerve.com or straight to Scanner Emily in Kansas City!) until we saw this little headline: "POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?"

Hot damn!

We think the beard is a vast improvement on his royal baby face. What do you think?

[People: POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:22:00 GMT

So this is 2009. So far, so good. We're going to use the next few days to accidentally write "2008" on everything and take a look back at the year that was. You can expect the top 10 Scanner posts of 2008 on Monday. But first, as promised, Scanner Emily's top 10 lessons learned in 2008, including—unfortunately—a repeat from last year. Seriously, how many times must we humiliate ourselves online before learning that drinking and Facebook do not mix?

10. Even when you think you're eating sort-of maybe healthily, you're not, you fat fuck.

9. Everyone has daddy issues, okay?

8. Always, always, always back-up what's on your computer (not that we've actually gotten around to it yet).

7. You can always go home.

6. Don't fool yourself into thinking the only way to get The Herp at summer camp is by making out with a hot co-counselor in the art barn. It is not. (And If you have to make jokes about being the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world, you just might be.)

5. It is possible to attend the costume party of your dreams and actually have a blast. If you have not yet experienced this, keep the dream alive and don't throw away those ruffly bloomers you've been holding on to for just such an occasion.

4. Whiskey will not make you a better roller skater. Well, it won't make you better at stopping, anyway.

3. Yellow tights are super unflattering and will get you weird looks even in the Bellevue emergency room.

2. Never, ever try to use The Facebook on your phoneputer while totally shit-faced drunk. (Yes, we thought we learned this one in 2007.)

1. If your ex-boyfriend asks if he can write an article about you for the local alternative weekly, say no.

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Scanner Emily's Burlesque Fantasy Comes True, Sort Of

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC]

Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us]

I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People]

Madonna donated $2.6 million dollars to the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles. She should have also paid a photographer not to take this close-up of her (not that I wouldn't mind looking like that at her age). [FadedYouth]

The folks at Facebook are apparently not fans of The Teet. Last year, the site's administrators took down photos of breastfeeding mothers because they featured "exposed breasts" which apparently violated the Terms of Use. A spokesman for Facebook says that only pictures where a nipple is fully exposed are problems, but some hip Facebook moms staged not only a virtual protest, they got out from behind their computers and suckling babes and demonstrated outside of Facebook's offices in California. [Jezebel]

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

What Your Areolas Say About You

"Could you make sure that her areolas aren't showing?"

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

[Image]

See You Next Year, Suckers!

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:14:00 GMT

Tomorrow I, Scanner Emily, will take advantage of my ~~God~~ Rufus-given day off—well, my two Rufus-given days off—to drink too much and then recover from drinking too much (which may involve drinking too much again). However, there's no need to panic; as I've mentioned before, Scanner Brian needs to blog at least every other day to survive, so you'll be spending tomorrow with him. But when that lovemaking is all said and done, what will you do?

Do you plan to pay a ridiculous cover at some scene-y bar with the high hopes of having crazy New Year's bathroom sex? Or will you, like me, refuse to even step out the front door? Considering that The Ghost of New Years' Past has taken me on so many exciting adventures*, I'm happy to cozy up with a few close friends and more than a few bottles of bubbly. Perhaps it will still end in crazy bathroom sex. Wouldn't you want to have sex in this bathroom?

See you next year... when I'll hopefully tell you all about how the Kahlua ended up in the clawfoot tub.

*2001: On I-70 leaving the crappiest New Year's party ever
2002: Hugging a four-pack of Charmin on the D train, crying
2004: Getting punched in the vagina
2008: Passed out while the cat peed on me because I had closed off the litter box during my "party"

Related:

Hey You, Happy New Year

Back in Two and Two

Who Would You Rather: Jon Favreau vs. Jon Favreau?

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

You probably know Jon Favreau, the actor, screenwriter, director and all around guy we'd like to have over for breakfast. You may or may not be as familiar with the new Jon Favreau on the block: president elect Barack Obama's 27-year-old speech writer.

We'd go for the funny bearded (though we realize the error of the goatee in this case) burly guy over the Brad Pitt-esque suit any day—except today. The country is wet for Obama, and so are we. Fucking Obama's speech writer probably falls somewhere along the lines of making out with your crush's roommate in college. It gets you close enough to what you want and at least keeps you satisfied until you get it, or realize you're never going to get it.

So, who would you rather? Jon Favreau or Jon Favreau?

See their dueling Wikipedia entries here and here.

Related:

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Tim McGraw

News Anchor Fired After His Swingers Craigslist Ad Cracks Up The Office

CBC Apologizes for Calling Sarah Palin a "Porn Star"

[Image, Image]

Sloppy Seconds: "I Don't Need Your Sex, I'll Masturbate"

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 18:21:00 GMT

It's the end of the year as we know it...

Self-proclaimed "sex kitten," singer ("Santa Baby"), actress and all-around cool chick, Eartha Kitt, is dead at 81. [AP]

Our old friend Scanner Sarah, now Salon Sarah (Hepola) explores the death of the celebrity scandal in 2008—a year chock full of, well, celebrity scandal. [Salon]

Jezebel rounds up their top eight Lezebels (girls who like girls who are liked by the ladies at Jezebel) of 2008. We have a hard time believing they couldn't have made it a top 10, though. Hello? Wanda Sykes? Maaaaybe Queen Latifah? [Jezebel]

Hollywood.com rounds up The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of 2008—mostly a bunch of people we've never heard of, or at least pretend not to know. [Hollywood.com]

The Village Voice rounds up the worst lyrics of 2008. While we're sort of partial to T-Pain's "I don't need your sex/I'll masturbate" from Therapy we have to agree with the choice of Nickelback's "You look so much cuter with something in your mouth" from the aptly titled Something in Your Mouth, and even Usher's "You order Chinese food right before you do me" from Trading Places. [Village Voice]

Stay tuned for Scanner's round ups when the year is actually over...

[Image]

Today in Studies that Freak Us Out: Breakfast and Sex

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 17:01:00 GMT

We read quite a few news stories about studies here at Scanner. Generally, we pass them over, sometimes rolling our eyes, other times not even caring enough about the subject matter to waste the energy of actually moving our eyes. Today, however, we were intrigued by a headline and after reading the first paragraph—"that those who skipped breakfast in their early teens first had sexual intercourse at an average age of 17.5"— thought, "Holy Shit! That's us!" (Us, being me, Scanner Emily, natch).

Of course, the study was conducted in Japan, where apparently the average age for first sexual intercourse is 19. But still, holy creepy correlation, Batman!

The poll was conducted in September by asking people aged 16-49 to fill in questionnaires about the age at which they first had sex and their lifestyles when they were in grades seven to nine.

Kunio Kitamura, the researcher in charge of the poll for the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare, said the study showed some interesting correlations.

"While it is important to delay sexual activities in order to reduce unwanted pregnancies among young people, the result suggests that the family plays a major role for that (delay) to happen," he said.

"An appropriately regulated lifestyle may be making some people prudent about sexual activities."

Those who said they did not have happy memories of family life or those who expressed feelings of hatred toward their mothers also had a tendency to have sexual intercourse early, the poll suggested.

Those who said they disliked their mothers first had intercourse at an average age of 16, compared with 18.6 for those who said they hated their fathers.

Oh, Jeebus....

[ABC: Skipping breakfast linked with early first sex: study]

Related:

Scanner : emily farris

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

My Deflowered Memoir Is Not So Flower-y

Takin' Care of Business

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Want to See What We Twat?

We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Our Bearded Man of Last Week Has Some Issues

Blog for Choice Today

Is the Past Tense of Tweet Twat?

Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Top 10 Scanner Posts of 2008: Because We Can Never Get Enough Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Sloppy Seconds: So There IS Hope in Dope

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You Know What is Too Big

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

See You Next Year, Suckers!

Who Would You Rather: Jon Favreau vs. Jon Favreau?

Sloppy Seconds: "I Don't Need Your Sex, I'll Masturbate"

Today in Studies that Freak Us Out: Breakfast and Sex