Scanner : elementary school

With Most Teachers Already In Jail, Principals Getting In On The Student Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 19:10:00 GMT

Yes, we're exaggerating a bit when we claim "most" teachers are in jail for sleeping with their students (or other underage kids.) But it's no great lie to say that it feels like at least twice a day now that we're hit with another rough set of allegations about teaching staff going hog wild in locker rooms, parked cars, or on classroom desks.

Brookann Collier, a 32-year-old from Santa Maria, California, decided that she would be one of the few to get away with it...

Collier is was a principal at Tunnell Elementary School in town, which is where she met a 14-year-old that she slept with for almost five years. The victim, now 20, since graduated from both the elementary school and a nearby high school, but that doesn't mean Collier was off the hook. While many grown men claim they "wish" something sinister like this had happened to them in their glory days, there's an usual twist here:

The victim is a girl. The rumor is she wasn't a lesbian at all and continued the relationship under force. Either way, Collier is charged with child molestation because the victim was under 15 at the time of the first sexual assault. The accused posted the $100,000 in bail and is now out on the street.

Image via here.

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"Oh My God, Is My Penis Going To Shrink?"

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:16:00 GMT

MSNBC has a terrifying little advice column called Sexploration that we were recently alerted to.

This week's questions included one of the funniest and most disturbing the website has ever run...

Is it natural for a man, as he ages, for his penis to become smaller? Can anything be done to stop the shrinkage?

When I was in third grade, the school's top female student informed me, with casual sincerity and absolute conviction, that a boy's penis falls off at age 13, whereupon a new, puberty-ready penis, complete with hair and larger testicles, would eventually emerge in its place.

Thankfully, I took her warning with a grain of salt, thinking that at least it would be cool to not have to pee for a time while I waited for my dick to grow back. Had I believed her-- as I should have, given her status as the resident smarty pants-- it may have been a two-year period of terror and constant underwear inspection.

I bring this up because, seeing that question, I had that same momentary panic I suffered at the age of eight: Holy God, isn't the penis difficult enough to deal with without this bit of information hanging over us?

Here's how writer Brian Alexander answers-- in our mercifully abridged version, of course:

Like what, for example? Washing only in cold water?
Penis worry is just another indignity you can chalk up to aging, like asking why weird, wiry black hairs are starting to pop out of your ears and why you can’t drink anything after 7 p.m. and without having to rise at 2 a.m. to pee.
But whether or not it actually shrinks is open to debate. You could try taking a tape measure to your gym’s locker room and measuring penises young and old, but German researchers have saved you from being banned for life by doing the work for you...
You’ll be happy to know that mean flaccid length was actually longer in the older men. Mean erect length was slightly longer in the young men, but barely. Erect width slightly favored the kids.
...but then I asked Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a urologist and editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “I believe that elasticity of the tunica [albuginea] (and thus penile size) decreases with age,” he said.
Well, penises... work better if you keep them working. [MSNBC]

Something to look forward to, dudes: you'll look better when you're unaroused and naked, a state you're more likely to be (unaroused, that is), as the years roll by...

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Sex And Drugs And Elementary School

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:39:00 GMT

Dear Mom and Dad,

Elementary school is rad! Sixth grade is going to be the best year ever! I got some merry wanna from a friend of mine who played with the ding-a-ling of our friendly neighborhood drug dealer! Isn't she cool?!

Sorry, we had to slip into the cocoon of childhood for a minute there to be able to deal with this story: according to an Orlando TV station, two sixth graders have been caught up in an investigation involving sex-for-marijuana.

Police said on Friday that a girl at a Palm Bay elementary school traded sex for drugs.
Palm Bay police said they want to know where the elementary school student got the marijuana she brought to school. Yvonne Martinez of the Palm Bay Police Department said their investigation is leading to South Florida and illegal sex with a sixth-grader. [WESH]

A bunch of students, probably jealous of all the laughs the kid was having, apparently narc'd on the 10- or 11-year-old boy, who was busted en route to his home to smoke up. He, in turn, narc'd on a classmate, also ten or eleven-years-old, who apparently had sex with a drug dealer to get the weed. Wait, she's so desperate to get somebody else high that she slept with a grown man?

We're all in favor of smoking marijuana (Disclaimer: Scanner/Nerve is not in favor of smoking marijuana), but this is sick. What happened to getting high on household chemicals before moving up to the illegals?

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Porn Star Lunch Lady Scares Parents

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Louisa C. Tuck, formerly known as Crystal Gunns, has incensed a number of sanctimonious parents who are demanding she be fired from her current job as their elementary school’s part-time cafeteria worker and playground monitor due to her porn star past.

The Daily Journal reports that parents insist Tuck/Gunns be ousted from their Vineland, New Jersey elementary school after learning of her former career, but lawyers on both sides of the issue say there are no legal grounds to give her the pink slip due to the fact that she hasn't done anything illegal.

Tuck says she’s only making $5,772 a year and claims she quit the industry five years ago when she was twenty-seven. We are sure some of these self-righteous parents would rather not talk about the things they did in their twenties, so why not leave the poor woman alone and end the witch hunt?

We assume this may inspire an onslaught of humor-intended pun-ridden porn flick titles (Sloppy Second Joes?) or give new meaning to Adam Sandler’s goofy adolescent 90's anthem, “Lunch Lady Land.”

::Sigh:: we miss Chris Farley.

Related:

Scanner : elementary school

With Most Teachers Already In Jail, Principals Getting In On The Student Sex

Huge High School Sex Investigation Ends In Single Arrest... A Lesbian Teacher

Shockingly, This Teacher Did Something Inappropriate to Students

Jersey Girl's Torrid Love Affair With An Eighth Grader

Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade

"Oh My God, Is My Penis Going To Shrink?"

Scanner Emily on Intercest, Cupcakes and When His You-Know-What is Too Big

Happy Ending To This Naked Man's Prank

Are Too Few Baby Boys Being Circumcised?

Scanner Brian's Year in Review

Microchip To Make Sex Fiends, Nerds Out of All of Us

Sex And Drugs And Elementary School

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The Greatest Dive Bars: The Comfort Zone

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