Scanner : ejaculation

Semen Now Considered A Dangerous Weapon In Oregon

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 15:35:00 GMT

Last June, a woman who had recently broken up with her boyfriend was shopping with her young daughter at the Portland, Oregon Target, just minding her own business. Out of nowhere, her scorned lover approached her and threw-- not acid-- but his own spunk in her face, while the little girl looked on in horror.

The man's eventual convicted for assault wasn't enough for Oregon legislators. Earlier this week, they made it a crime more akin to sexual assault, with greater punishments, and passed a bill making the act of throwing your semen at someone a crime. (The state House passed it unanimously; now the moves on to the Senate, where it will likely have smooth sailing.)

We're not entirely pleased with what we expel during sex either and are always surprised (but in no way appalled) that our partners haven't minded handling it. But having it thrown on you in a public place? This is one of the few bills in the history of humankind that we can all get behind.

Meanwhile, men the world over continue to glorify an arguably degrading practice. The most popular photos of the morning were these Got Milk "parodies" from a Russian tease magazine:

Story via OregonLive.

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Fun With Wikipedia: Mammary Intercourse

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 21:01:00 GMT

Sometimes, when we read Wikipedia we think to ourselves "why don't they just call a spade a spade? What's the point of mis-educating the public?" But that's what the Urban Dictionary is for we guess, and also, apparently, Wikipedia audio, which offers an enlightening tutorial on "mammary intercourse."

[Wikipedia: Mammary Intercourse]

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[Image]

Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:48:00 GMT

A recent post in the Rants 'n Raves section of Craig's List Eugene alerted us to the fact that there are places called "sex arcades" where, instead of watching a peep show, people have sex on their lunch breaks.

Wha?

Here's how it breaks down: according to a Time Magazine story from April of 2005 (ouch-- we have been missing out), Houston's "so-called adult bookstores... offer private booths in which patrons can watch 25¢ peep-show movies and engage in anonymous sex with other patrons through holes cut in the walls." Sure, we were aware of the existence of glory holes and were well aware peep shows could be used for all varieties of sex, and that sex shops sold books (books! what the hell do we need those for in this day and age of free internet hardcore movies?) What we weren't aware of is that they are all happening under one roof these days, and that they are happening in small cities like Eugene, Oregon, for starters.

The unsigned Craig's List post by a "bookstore" employee offers us advice for our first an all future visits. As usual, we offer an abbreviated version of the epic-as-hell piece:

1) It is a complete wast[e] of time to become upset when I refuse to shake your hand after you exit the arcade.

2) I'm sorry if you have only limited time to have gay sex with a stranger during your lunch break. If the only customers I have in the arcade are so old you are wondering how they remain upright, much less get it up, I simply can't waive a magic wand and fill the arcade with an all gay swim team. ...I am not a resident fall back option and I'm sorry, but offering me cash for sex will not change my mind on this one (ever).

3) If you enter a booth with a window, please don't be surprised if you look up and find someone watching you.... If you enter a booth with a gloryhole, please don't be surprised if at some point a penis comes through it. Also don't be surprised if a voice comes through it asking for you to stick your penis through the hole, it's what it's there for.

4) You enter a booth, insert a 1, 5, 10, or 20 dollar bill into the bill acceptor, and have a seat. The movie will play until the time limit for the amount of money you put into the machine runs out. If at that time you have not managed to relieve yourself you have still received what you paid for. Sitting in a booth with no money in the machine while you desperately try to grunt out a quick one is just not acceptable.

4[B]) If you happen to be a horny gay man (nothing wrong with that) and inappropriately proposition another man in the parking lot and he punches you in the mouth, YOU HAD IT COMING.

5) I could care less if you have a wedding ring on as you suck off 12 dudes... I don't care if you enjoy dressing in your little sisters cloth[e]s and putting on a show for strangers in a window booth.... I do not need a play by play description of what you were just doing. Keep it to yourself or write it in your journal or whatever.... I will not be impressed, seriously.

6) If you pee in the trashcans and I catch you you will be cleaning that booth and I will be berating you the entire time it takes you.

7) [I]f you come walking out of the arcade with cum in your beard, on your shirt, pants, whatever, I reserve the right to point and laugh. We thoughtfully provide paper towels just for that situation.

8) We have janitors clean the arcade 3 times a day, every day. I can do little for you if the booth you so desperately need to whack off in has a load of cum dripping down the monitor.

He lists his location as "whack shack." You can read the full-length rants here.

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Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 18:37:00 GMT

Doctors in the UK would like you to know that gardening as little as 30 minutes a week can dramatically improve a man's performance in bed—but not because it teaches you to use your hands or cultivate your materials.

It's exercise. Of course, you could also get off your ass and take a hike or ride a bike or any other moderate activity, but gardening is the activity du jour.

As little as 30 minutes a week tending the garden or allotment can dramatically improve men's performance in bed, according to the experts in the field.

Digging, weeding or mowing the lawn for half an hour reduced men's risk of failing to live up to expectations in bed by more than a third, the survey found.

The same study showed other forms of moderate exercise, such as dancing and cycling, could have similar benefits.

Men who spend even more time in the vegetable patch can more than halve their risk of impotence, researchers at the Medical University of Vienna found in their study.

"Erectile function can be maintained even by low, regular physical activity," concludes the report. "Energy expenditure of as little as 1,000 calories a week reduces the risk. Doctors should use these findings to encourage their patients to do more physical training and adopt a healthier lifestyle."

[Telegraph: Gardening boosts men's sex lives, claims study]

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Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:16:00 GMT

These excerpts from Pravda RU (an online newspaper not to be confused with Russia's other Pravda newspaper, which is also available online) made us laugh even harder than we did when we saw this imaginary "orgasm face."

Since, we all know, there is no such thing as the female orgasm.

Here are our favorite moments from an unsigned series of articles on the mysterious G spot, clitoris, and female ejaculatory function:

Female orgasm is probably one of the most mysterious phenomena in the world. There is very little precise knowledge about this phenomenon, some people hardly believe in it, although they do think that one needs to talk about it. Female orgasm is like the divine afflation – it is different and unique every time and all the time.
Some think that the clitoris is the most important organ in the process of achieving female orgasm, whereas others prefer to point out the importance of the vagina, or even both. Another theory says that female orgasm is a pure myth, which party girls made up to steal other women’s husbands.
The state of affairs with male orgasm is simple: relatively long frictions result in a small explosion and a little bit of moaning and panting, and it is pretty much it. A man ejaculates a substance, which incarnates the triumph of the materialistic philosophy over the idealistic philosophy: there is no God, “a spark will kindle a flame” if no contraception is used.
[To find the G spot] According to Grafenberg, one needs to insert two fingers in the vagina (fingertips turned upwards) and move them around.
[A] woman’s ability to experience orgasm can be determined through a simple and inexpensive procedure. [Yes, it's called letting me take her to dinner.]

But seriously-- these are actual excerpts. We were trying to eat, so we read no further for fear of choking to death on lunch prepared by our subservient wives. However, we did notice Pravda's other headlines of the morning:

Israel prepares to wipe Gaza Strip off Earth’s face

The absurd persistence of domination: Of speciesism, capitalism, and shaking their foundations

Ukraine’s unprofessional president and prime minister to kill the nation

Wonder if these people are hiring English translators...

More here and here. Image via this link.

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And The Bad Sex in Fiction Winners Are...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:18:00 GMT

The British know their sex... which is why they're also qualified to judge the 2008 Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. And this ain't "bad sex" that appears "in fiction." It's bad sex writing from some of the great novels of the year, including John Updike's Witches of Eastwick sequel...

Updike takes the year's Lifetime Achievement Award, while the year's top honoree is Rachel Johnson, sister of London Mayor Boris (what's up with these conservatives, like Bill O'Reilly and Scooter Libby, not knowing how to write sex? Wait, nevermind, we know the answer.)

Based on a cursory search of these books for sex scenes, we found this one from Updike's latest:

She said nothing then, her lovely mouth otherwise engaged, until he came, all over her face. She had gagged, and moved him outside her lips, rubbing his spurting glans across her cheeks and chin. God, she was antique, but here they were. Her face gleamed with his jism in the spotty light of the motel room, there on the far end of East Beach, within sound of the sea.

In a Guardian interview, Johnson is a good sport, while the article's author points out some passages that might have caught the committee's attention:

Johnson was singled out for her novel's slew of animal metaphors, including comparing her male protagonist's "light fingers" to "a moth caught inside a lampshade", and his tongue to "a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop". Literary Review deputy editor Tom Fleming was also disturbed by the heroine's "grab, to put him, now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside".

Just for laughs, here's the 2007 winner, by our good buddy, now deceased, Norman Mailer:

'Are you alright?' she cried out as he lay beside her, his breath going in and out with a rasp that sounded as terrible as the last winds of their lost children.
'All right. Yes. No,' he said. Then she was on him. She did not know if this would resuscitate him or end him, but the same spite, sharp as a needle, that had come to her after Fanni's death was in her again. Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.
The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. it surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.

It's enough to turn you off having sex, let alone just reading about it.

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Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:46:00 GMT

A Swedish court handed down a decision last week acknowledging that The Madonna of Orgasm Church (the other Madonna) had a right to registration as a faith organization, which, according to news reports, is some sort of slap in the face to Christians...

Originally, the Legal, Financial and Administrative Services Agency (Kammarkollegiet) had refused the church’s registration application on the grounds that its name may offend Christians.

What, because of the word Madonna? Man, those freaks need to get over themselves.

According to the Skånska Dagbladet newspaper, the idea for the church came to Bebeacua, who is the church’s self-appointed cardinal, after a painting of his entitled 'The Madonna of Orgasm' sparked protests requiring police action during the 1992 World’s Fair in Seville, Spain.

“The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper.

“The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

Bebeacua says his church has a few hundred followers, but we beg to differ: it's more like hundreds of millions, all of whom would probably welcome climaxing via landscape, if only we could figure out how the hell that's going to happen...

Via the Local.

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Todd Solondz Moves Reign of Terror Off Shore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 14:35:00 GMT

For the seventh time now, director Todd Solondz is returning to work hoping to make someone else uncomfortable with his unique perspectives on sexuality, identity and suburbia. For the first time, Solondz has jettisoned his normal Jersey environment for a new location….

People of Puerto Rico, take cover!

The upcoming film, originally called Life During Wartime and focusing on the Iraq war, is set to begin shooting this fall – just as the cooling temperatures begin to effect the body’s ability to long distance run, or in this case, swim. According to JoBlo, the film is

a proposed semi-sequel to his twisted cult classic "Happiness," starring Demi Moore, Paul Reubens and Emma Thompson among others, as people twittering on the edge of an unpredictable, sexually alienating world (sounds about right), and is slated to begin shooting in October.

Once again creating a pseudo sequel to an earlier film that met some acclaim and failed to fill many theatre seats, LDW is building on a story that previously dealt with statutory rape, sex crimes and a dog eating a teenagers first ejaculate.

Todd Solondz can be a brilliant man. But… the friendly threat of a new feature coming our way is enough to make ones cheeks clinch until one hundred percent, scientifically verified, confirmation that it is safe to let go.

From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:21:00 GMT

A former college professor forwarded this article from 2003 on to us this week with the subject line, "Ignore at your own risk!!!! For God's sake!!!" And yes, in case you were wondering, we did go to a liberal arts school in New York. Anyway, we thought it was worth sharing since we missed it the first time around (did you?) and this is information that could save lives.

Men could reduce their risk of developing prostate cancer through regular masturbation, researchers suggest.

They say cancer-causing chemicals could build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly.

And they say sexual intercourse may not have the same protective effect because of the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, which could increase men's cancer risk.

Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who had not about their sexual habits.

They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop the cancer.

The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20s.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.

Find the rest of the story at BBC News.

[Image via, NSFW]

Best or Worst Ad of the Week?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:55:00 GMT

Sorry for the screenshot... it's really not the same as just a jpeg of the pic, minus that wonderful, boner-in-cheek headline.

Cryoss International, a sperm bank in downtown Manhattan (perfect for the closeted lawyer at your firm who never gets to use that sperm anyway), has an interesting homepage, linked via the same obnoxious Craig's List ad we've captured above.

We love how the page is vulgar and crass, visually, but whips out the ol' legalese in the text, as if nothing is happening and a man is not looking down his boxers with an exaggerated gesture of measuring his manhood.

Here's one from the golden age of advertising if the above image doesn't get you smirking: