Scanner : drunk drivers

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Fight

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

According to Jezebel, the love letter is dead but the breakup e-mail is strong with this generation.

Michelle Rodriguez from Lost flipped out at a wedding-- if you believe this nonsense story.

But what happens when the pants come off? Push-up underwear for men isn't expected to go over big with Croatian women.

The Craigslist Killer may have murdered to help cover his gambling debts. Dumbasses-- don't gamble what you don't have in your bank account or you'll end up like this guy.

If you have a sword and dress like a ninja and are attempting to commit robberies, a dry cleaner is probably low on your list of priorities.

While wife Amy suffered burns on her leg due to... um... "a cooking accident," Blake Fielder-Civil has demanded his lover allow him to take a paternity test.

A woman who works for Fox61 in Connecticut was arrested twice in three hours in the same neighborhood and by the same officer, both times for driving drunk.

The Seinfeld adult film spoof is real... and features the Porn Nazi.

And a 52-year-old stripper, enjoying her first day on the job, was stabbed in the eye by a jealous co-worker.

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While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

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While You Were Sleeping: George W. Bush Is Brilliant

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 13:02:00 GMT

Howard Stern is understandably upset that the media thinks he's involved in this Anna Nicole Smith debacle.

We're not thrilled about the cast of the upcoming Beat Generation movie, although at least James Franco is in it.

As of this writing, in the wee hours of the morning Texas time, we're not sure what Natasha Richardson's condition is.

Forced entrepreneurship: the buzzword/phrase of 2009.

While Usher's wife recovers from botched plastic surgery, the singer... parties with strippers.

A pregnant woman, busted for her 7th DWI, went straight to the bar after her hearing.

Joan Rivers talked dildos on the Today Show a few days ago.

Who knew that George W. Bush would become such an eloquent, respectable elder statesman?

We love Judge Judy more and more every day.

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Today in the Apocalypse: The Only Survivors Will Be Cockroaches And Breastaraunts

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:04:00 GMT

My parents recently moved to Clearwater, Florida. Since then, I've come to learn that the town is known for two things, none of which is the nearly-deserted beach they live on: being the home of Scientology and the birthplace of Hooters. Make of that what you will, but let's just say that the holidays are going to be on the usual side from now on...

Florida has even created a new buzzword in order to have at least one story that doesn't involve monkeys escaping for zoos, crates full of pigs spilling all over the highways, and drunk people crashing through their neighbor's front rooms. That word is "breastaurants" and its king, Hooters, took in one billion dollars last year:

"People get in a fun atmosphere around Hooters, and I think they feel that," Bob Passwaters tells us. He's been doing marketing for Hooters for nearly two decades. "Of course, you have the girls and the food, kind of a neighborhood escape."
An escape where the food is inexpensive, and entrees are under $10.
These breastaurants offer a carefree atmosphere where Passwaters says, people can forget about the bad economy and eat a good meal.
"They just love getting away from sitting at their computer seeing all the bad news in the markets going down and this is going down," Passwaters told us. "Heck, let's go to Hooters and have some chicken wings and relax a bit."
Another reason breastaurants are seeing big success: local clientele. Regulars keep coming back for more.

Dude, they keep coming back because it's cheaper to have dinner and boobs at the same place than to have dinner, then head to the strip club for overpriced drinks, scary fake boobs and all the violence that has been taking place in the parking lots.

But hey, don't take our word for it... we're just there for the wings.

Via TampaBayConnects.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:58:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton told everyone about falling in love with Bill Clinton. Of course, they only want to hear about how she fell out of love with Bill Clinton.

By the way, where did Rielle Hunter get the name Frances Bean from?

Young women mistakenly think men want potential female partners to drink them under the table. Got that?

Is the future of the conservative movement this woman? Whatever it is, we're getting tired of hearing that its next round of leaders are all women. After all, every one of them turns out to be a porn star (Stormy Daniels, Sarah Palin, and this Russian woman-- just check out that tiny photo near the top.)

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley will battle for the love of Dylan Thomas in a new film. Winner, no matter what the historical evidence: Knightley.

A guy claims he successfully shipped himself from NYC to Vegas. We'd almost care except... he's a magician.

It always surprises us to see people driving along without a care in the world when their cars are wobbling violently from a flat tire. Turns out, they're probably wasted.

Why has it taken Congress so long to do anything to protect whistleblowers? What year did the Pentagon Papers come out again?

And the other woman in the Chris Brown-Rihanna story is revealed to be... his manager. (He may have had an affair with her at 16, Rihanna may have hit first, and a million other drops of bullshit that don't change the fact that he needs prison time.)

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Today in the Apocalypse: 17-Year-Old MADD Volunteer Hosts Quiet Gathering...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:52:00 GMT

Katie Rees, Miss Nevada USA 2007, who was stripped of her crown following this and other "scandalous photos"

Let me tell you something about Hartford, Connecticut, the city, I, Scanner Brian was born in.

Actually, better yet, let's not tell you anything about Hartford, Connecticut, because it would just be a waste of space after you read this story. Anything I tell you about Hartford will be brutally shoved aside after you read about one 17-year-old Miss Connecticut Outstanding Teen, a volunteer with Mothers Against Drunk Dumbasses, decided to do with her Saturday night when her parents went out of town.

If you think it's entertain little orphan boys with stories from award-winning children's authors, well...

Rachael Ramonas competed in the Miss America's Outstanding Teen competition in Florida this past summer, returning home without the ultimate title. Perhaps she was disappointed by her defeat and decided that, instead of continuing to volunteer with MADD, she would stop being an Outstanding Teen the minute her parents left her goody-two-shoes self at home for the weekend.

On Saturday night, cops arrested two dozen underage drinkers at the home of Miss Ramonas. Reports indicate that most of the kids were beyond wasted-- although, since Ramonas is a juvenile, cops can't say whether she was one of them, or even if she was arrested at all. According to this source:

Officers responding to an anonymous call about underage drinking Saturday night found beer, rum and items commonly used for a drinking game called beer pong. [AP News]

Luckily, no one was arrested for DWI's, so there's at least that bit of sanity... although we doubt she could've kept an eye on all 24-plus peeps who had vehicles to make sure they didn't further embarrass her or reveal some sort of "hypocrisy."

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While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 14:16:00 GMT

How was your V-Day? 40,000 people celebrated in Mexico by breaking a world record for makeout sessions.

M.I.A. has a baby boy, can't type for shit.

Who woulda thought Roland Burris, the Senator appointed by Blago, would end up in a possible ethical scandal?

Chris Brown doesn't appear willing to admit he doesn't deserve our sympathy. Meanwhile, Rihanna dumped his allegedly sorry ass.

What do you do when a judge loads a breathalyzer in your car? Why, rent a vehicle and crash it drunk instead.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson had a lousy V-Day, complete with a intrusive New York Post "reporter."

And the First Couple of the United States flew to Chicago for dinner at a local restaurant on Saturday night, apparently in honor of some sort of national holiday from staying at home and hoarding money.

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Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

You would think it couldn't get any weirder than an arrest photo, taken by the accused drunk helicopter pilot, in which he and the arresting officer mug for the camera with a bottle of vodka and the arresting officer's shirt slightly undone...

...oh... but it does...

Here's a photo montage TMZ released showing old hijinks of the guy busted for drunkenly piloting a helicopter carrying drummer Tommy Lee:

You'll not in the bottom right enhancement (no pun intended) that the gauge notes he is speeding at 60 knots... or 69 miles an hour (no pun intended, we swear.) In an interview with TMZ, the pilot, David Martz, claims he was 300-400 feet in the air when these boob-grab pics were snapped. He's been cited by the FAA on at least one occasion and has a host of other blemishes on his record.

So, how is this douche allowed to pilot a helicopter in suburban areas, where he is lucky to not have killed multiple already?

Charm. Look at how the cop in that photo is amused by his antics... how the woman is gleefully allowing him to photograph her boobs for internet glory. (How lucky she is that TMZ censored her nipple-- we would have broadcast the photos around the world, in all their NSFW glory, had we only figured out how.)

Via TMZ.

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This Kid Is Sooo Wasted...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The only time we've ever driven under the influence is after a visit to the dentist. We can't remember why we needed so much "laughing gas" and novocaine (or whatever it was they gave me before, one assumes, jumping my bones and filming it, a la that Seinfeld episode), but in any case, we remember turning on the car and "Mrs. Robinson" coming over the radio. For some reason, this was all of a sudden the funniest song ever recorded, and we began to sing along in a deliberate monotone that made the song sound like William Shatner with a brutal hangover. Then we started up the car and drove home, not remembering how to get there.

This 7-year-old boy got to have that experience, thankfully years before being allowed to drive. Luckily, his father, who apparently has no shame (or fear of being accused of exploiting children for YouTube glory), had promised to record the boy's tooth removal procedure in a kind of "before and after." Don't ask us why he thought the kid wanted this-- it doesn't really make much sense. Anyway, the poor kid is absolutely out of his mind-- veering from lucid blubbering to high-pitched screaming and back again in just under ten seconds.

Also, he is wearing a Florida Gators football t-shirt. That really says it all for us: this took place in Florida, the nation's craziest state.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:12:00 GMT

The police used to have a fetish for busting dying dope smokers. Now, they're getting into busting up private dance studios that teach pole dancing.

Here's your daily creep. Today, it's a driving school instructor.

Can you believe Bon Jovi hadn't been inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame? These judges give the state a bad name...

People are afraid to even acknowledge they know who Sasha Grey is-- even after calling her name in public.

Drunk driving is so 2008. How about drunk helicoptering?

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Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:19:00 GMT

This story is so disturbing, it has us worried about the next two generations...

A 14-year-old New Zealand girl was arrested earlier this week for driving drunk-- and that's just the beginning of the story. When her breathalyzer tests were released by police, it turned out she had a blood-alcohol level more than six times the legal limit. And there's more:

Acting Sergeant Kevin Crawford told the Northern Advocate the girl, who was four months pregnant, was stopped after her driving caught police attention.

She allegedly gave a false name and had difficulty spelling it.

She was forbidden to drive and taken to Whangarei police station, where she recorded a breath-alcohol level of 828mcg. The legal limit for drivers under 20 is 150mcg and driving licences are not issued to people under 15.

The girl would be referred to Youth Aid, Mr Crawford said. [Stuff.co.nz]

So, to recap: this wasn't some random checkpoint bust or a case of the cops pulling someone over for a broken tailight and then discovering the problem-- she was driving erratically, putting more than just two lives in danger. She tried to get out of it by using a fake name, which she couldn't even spell. And she didn't even have a driver's license to begin with-- who the hell gave her their car keys?!

Frightening.

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Some Rapper No One's Ever Heard Of Arrested For Being An Idiot

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:07:00 GMT

My, this young man is very polite.

"Have you been drinking tonight?" Instead of answering, hiphopper Yung Berg answers, "I'm an artist, sir," which means "yes." He might as well have said, "My name is Yung Berg-- what do you think I've been doing tonight?"

Anyway, what kind of idiot is his manager-- doing that to a cop for no reason?

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How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

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Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse vs. Norway

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:17:00 GMT

All right, let's wrap up the new year with a deluge of crazy celebrity, sex, and celebrity sex news around:

Charles Barkley, rumored to be gearing up to run for Governor of 'Bama, was arrested for DUI in Arizona.

The list of the 19 worst Americans of 2008 is hard to argue with.

Wayne Bent, the leader of religious sect, was sentenced to ten years in prison for laying on a bed (and nothing more, supposedly) with two naked teenage girls.

Video games, even shooting games, cause people to have poor body image.

Congratulations to Sam Adams, the new Mayor of Portland, apparently the first openly gay man to ascend to that office in the country.

We all know these pervert teachers send text messages to underage students. What we never know is what they actually wrote.

Amy Winehouse faces drug charges in Norway on January 12th. They actually think she's going to show?!

And will 2009 be the year Flight of the Conchords becomes a cultural phenomenon? Let's make it our collective New Year's resolution, people.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Giant Penis Show

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:39:00 GMT

Deep Throat died. No, not Linda Lovelace, silly.

Senator Norm Coleman is now down to a six vote lead over Al Franken, with more troublesome decisions likely to go his opponent's way.

This is a family that truly deserves coal in their stockings: a 21-year-old woman and her father have sued the victim of the car crash that killed her boyfriend, which she caused while driving drunk. The woman served only four months in prison and is lucky to be alive-- but that's not enough for her. Now, she's suing everyone in sight to somehow come out ahead in all this. Disgraceful, despicable, and (we wish) deport-able.

Check out this eye-catching ad for How I Met Your Mother, which is in the form of photographic reenactments of 2008's most memorable moments.

U2's next album will be out on March 3rd.

How'd you like to grow up in this (nut)house? An Arkansas family just welcomed their 18th child.

The Scarlett Johansson snot rag is selling for over 2 million dollars... if you believe anyone is actually going to pay for this auction.

And HBO greenlit a show starring Thomas Jane that revolves around a man and his massive dong. We're dead serious.

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Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:09:00 GMT

We love Brian Williams and we love food courts (our first job was at Chinese Delight in the Independence Center, yo) so it should come as no surprise that we really love that NBC's Brian Williams loves to eat in food courts. [Parade]

Disney meal ticket Miley Cyrus was killed by a drunk driver over the weekend. Except totally not at all! [MTV]

Michael Jackson is being sued by the future king of Bahrain after Jackson supposedly backed out of a recording contract. [Radar]

How much fashion is really involved in the Victoria's Secret fashion show? Because we just see lots of skin. [NY Daily News]

Did you know that Scarlett Johansson was the inspiration behind Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl?" [People]

Could that be why Lindsay Lohan is no fan of Scarlett Johansson. Probably not. Two years after LiLo wrote some nasty words about ScarJo on a New York bathroom stall, Johansson still has no idea why LiLo hates her. [Us]